• Do not express horror at the children riding on motorbikes without helmets (especially while riding through the slums of Klong Toei in an air conditioned taxi). It is okay to laugh at how much poo poo Cambodians can fit on a motorbike, though.
  
• Do not speak with imagined authority on when to eat the ice, whether you're eating the ice or when and where it's "safe" to eat the ice. Just eat the loving ice. Same for fruit and other poo poo. It's Thailand and you're going to brag about not eating things?
  
• Do not order only things that come in a sealed bottle and do not make it a point to tell the waitress poo poo like, "Make sure not to open it!" unless you're in some skeezy club where you might get date rape-drugged. The waiter at the roadside restaurant is not looking to drug and kill you.
  
• Do not tell people how much you love "chicken with basil" and do not order it at every meal. Yes, everyone eats it, but we eat it from 30 Baht street stalls because it's a like a working class staple food. We don't go to the fanciest restaurant in town and order it.
  
• Do not tell people how great you think Chang is or talk about how you wish you could get it back home. We don't all hate Chang, but no one brags on it. It's like bragging about drinking Milwaukee's Best or loving your cousin (also do not order a "Sing-HA" as no one says this outside of tourist enclaves).
  
• Do not talk about how hot it is or how humid it is. We have skin and pores and body parts that experience heat as well.
  
• Just put the loving ice in the loving beer already.
  
• Do not regale us with tales of the seventy year-old foreigner you saw with what you're just sure was an underage prostitute. She was a prostitute, she wasn't underage and while we laugh at that guy a lot (particularly the Pattaya/Samui types), it doesn't make him a paedophile, just a sex pensioner.
  
• Double-shut-up about the relatively normal middle-aged foreigner walking down the street in Central Bangkok hand-in-hand with the eight year-old Thai boy. It's his loving son, moron.
  
• Do not talk endlessly about the "ping pong show" as if it's just the most outrageous thing ever. On the US/Mexican border, women gently caress donkeys for tourists' entertainment. It's pretty tame here by comparison.
  
• Just loving walk over to the waitress and ask for your bill. Yes, it works differently here and she's used to some old Chinese Thai hag screaming at her from across the room to get her attention. She's not ignoring you because you're foreign or because she's lazy (okay, she probably is kind of lazy), she's ignoring you because she's underpaid and because service works differently here - or if you're in a resort area, likely because she's a terrified-or-nearly-enslaved Burmese or Cambodian person whose life loving sucks. Don't sit around talking about how unbelievable it is that a waitress won't walk 10' to your table and give you the bill. Get up, walk over to her and say "check bin" with a smile, then pay and leave.
  
• They were talking about potatoes, not you, get over yourself.
  
• If it's wrong and you paid a $1 for it, eat it anyway, or take it with you and give it to someone else.
  
• Don't tell everyone how shocked you are at how difficult it is to find vegetarian food in the Buddhist paradise of Thailand. News flash, it's about as Buddhist in practice as America is Christian in practice.
  
• Yes, the music is way too loving loud and, no, they are not going to turn it down and, no, it will not be quieter at the next place. Bring earplugs.
  
• No, your hotel was not just the cutest little hotel in the world. There are about 10,000,000 identical Balinese style "boutique hotels" here now. They're all the same.
  
• Don't stop and talk to every idiot who walks up to you to sell you something, give you supposed advice or take you somewhere and then complain about how you got scammed when every guide, web site and authority in existence tells you not to talk to anyone who approaches you. We know, you're stupid, don't brag about it like it was an adventure. If you think that's a great story, hand me your wallet and your iPhone and I'll steal it so you can brag about that.
  
• Take your Goddamn backpack off on the skytrain or subway when it's crowded, you moron. We don't need you jamming it into our faces constantly because you're too stupid to put it on the ground in front of you to make room on our often-overcrowded BTS.
  
• The boat stop for Khao San Road is Phra Athit Pier, it's number N13. They're numbered, there are big signs. Don't make a big fuss about it on the boat, running around trying to spot the signs and then have a fit when you somehow manage to miss the stop. There will be another boat to take you back - or a taxi if it's too late.
  
• If you're in a taxi with someone who lives here and they get pissed at the taxi driver for trying to scam you, don't say, "It's okay, let's just pay it." We never get scammed, it's annoying and it's because you look like such an obvious mark that we're getting scammed!
  
• Yes, it's a man. Unless the man is chasing you around Nana trying to grab your dick (which is completely possible), get over it.
  
• Don't wai anyone, ever, unless they're on portraits all over the country.
  

ReindeerF fucked around with this message at 19:08 on Sep 1, 2012

evilwaldo fucked around with this message at 02:31 on Sep 2, 2012

ReindeerF fucked around with this message at 09:12 on Sep 2, 2012

raton fucked around with this message at 15:37 on Sep 2, 2012

ReindeerF fucked around with this message at 17:57 on Sep 4, 2012

lol internet. fucked around with this message at 20:17 on Sep 5, 2012