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Guesticles posted:Cockfruit, post the stories. A Nike Swoosh that turns into Just Do It would own.
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Sep 5, 2012 03:58
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kensei posted:A Nike Swoosh that turns into Just Do It would own. I was thinking like the frogout, but he begins to look annoyed and says "post it all."
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Sep 5, 2012 04:41
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When I was much younger me and my cousin would discuss with all seriousness about how we were going to get superpowers and what methods we'd use. I think we gave up when we were eleven. So I guess we were pretty close to being a pair of "Denises" And we really did actually try pursuing it, like we asked our parents and teachers all about DNA modication. Somehow after all of that my knowledge of the subject still contained gems like DNA was green slime. Thank god we lost interest. Mind Loving Owl fucked around with this message at 05:00 on Sep 10, 2012 |
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Sep 5, 2012 07:12
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Sep 5, 2012 07:41
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Mind Loving Owl posted:When I was much younger me and my cousin would discuss with all seriousness about how we were going to get superpowers and want methods we'd use. I think we gave up when we were eleven. So I guess we were pretty close to being a pair of "Denises" Pretty sure this stuff doesn't count if you are eleven. Add a decade or two before you start voicing fears of having been close to Denise levels.
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Sep 5, 2012 08:11
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Alright, I have some time. 'Josh Vs The Bad Weed Vs The Door' So Sam and Rachel were related. I was blown away. Thankfully the day of the big revelation was quick to resolve itself, with Rachel basically getting dressed and speeding off, and a hilarious exchange with Sam and I explained what I had truly been through at the hands of his sister, and him laughing until he had tears in his eyes. Stories of sabotage, in every way shape and form, left him breathless. He shared some of his own stories, Including a hilarious one that involved her unscrewing the shower head so it fell off when he turned on the water - simply because he showered before her. He got her back by taping over her Sailor Moon VHS's with Power Rangers. The funny thing is, he would deliberately wait until the opening had finished before he started the recorded. So it would end the song with "SHE IS THE ONE - SAILOR MOON!" and then suddenly "YESSS....AFTER TEN THOUSANDS YEAR'S I'M FREEE!" How positively NEFARIOUS. You can see why she was so into the prank warfare, eh? I acted as some form of garlic to the Rachel vampire, her knowing I was there stopped the random visits that plagued Sam's bachelor pad (His mother had extended her stay in greece an awful long time) So he was inclined to keep me around. I continued to look for a place, but was absolutely enamored with my lovely life eating bad food and playing video game, so I will be honest - I slacked off a bit. (read: A lot) It was one fine day that I was playing Natural Selection, and a familiar face/name entered the server. .:OoO:. Rocker has connected. Rocker: Cockfruit, plz unblock me on msn, its important .:OoO:. Rocker has disconnected. Ugggh. This can't be good. Stupidly, I left the server, and unblocked Josh on MSN. (Remember those days? The unthinkable act of BLOCKING someone on MSN.) He immediately leaped into a tirade about how Claire needed help. J: "Seriously man she needs help, she wont listen to me" Me: "Why? Is she going to hurt herself or something?" J: "NO! she is dating some guy from AMERICA" Me: "..." Me: "...So?" He continues to explain that after me and her broke up the most recent time (Due to the SMS fiasco - Rachel!!!  ) he made his move on her and they almost got back together (thanks for the information man, glad to hear you are desperate to tap my ex) and apparently things where going well when... SUDDENLY, American Internet Hunk cockblocked him. Now, 'Laen' had stolen her heart and she was talking about moving overseas and blah blah etc. I explained to him that it was not our business and should just leave her alone, but I won't lie I was a little bummed. Most of the time when we break up we just stay mad for a while, then get back together in a tumulteous tornado of passion. But honestly, poo poo happens and I think I had pushed through the usual half-sadness I felt when away from her and figured it would be best to distance myself. Josh got huffy, and simply asked me to make sure she was okay, so - I unblocked her on MSN. Amazingly, it seemed she had unblocked me and I hadn't even noticed. Maybe I had missed the 'make up' period we usually get while playing computer games with Sam. poo poo.Me: "Hi" C: "oh hi" Me: "look Josh just begged me to check on you and make sure everything is alright and...well, is it?" C: "yeah I am fine" Me: "American boyfriend?" C: "He's just a friend." Me: "k." I forget how the exchanged continued, but eventually she reached the point of explaining what happened between her and Josh, and they had not grown ultra close but he had managed to shift into high gear and make some sexually charged comments to her about possibly whapping his rear end with a riding crop. I swear I laughed for a full hour. (Years later she would correct me and say she actually mean he wanted the riding crop inserted  ) So I left it at that, and for some loving reason, I got a call later from a private number - and in my tradition of making bad decisions on this day, I decided to answer it.J: "...Cockfruit. Claires saysh she told you about shum poo poo." (wow, he was drunk as gently caress) Me: "Um, Josh, are you okay?" J: "I'm shick of being a joke....cock fruit...so I am going out with a bang." Me: "gently caress, where are you." J: "Home" Me: "Give me 10 minutes." loving hell. I hated the thought of it, but I knew if he was this drunk he'd probably try something stupid. I decided to go to his flat (me, him and Claire used to LAN there a lot) and check on him, and possibly wait around long enough for police to turn up. He was basically downhill from Sam's place, so I grabbed my long jacket and took off at a brisk jog. I texted Claire asking what she was doing that night, but no reply obviously meant she didn't want anything to do with me. Perfect. I arrived at his house, and the front door was open. I closed it behind me and headed to Josh's room. Only he isn't there. poo poo, ok. I head into the kitchen, nobody else appears to be home (he had 2 housemates). I do a full sweep of his house, and my stomach sinks at the thought of having to possibly explain to people why Josh was dead. Because of a riding crop. Christ. Suddenly, the automatic lights at the front of the house turn on, and I realise someone is coming in. I know basically everyone who lives here, so I sit tight and wait it out. I hear someone fiddling with keys, and the sound of keys getting dropped, swearing (Is that Josh?) and suddenly... *SMASH.* A fist ERUPTS through the thin panel window that sits besides the door. I poo poo myself and wonder what the hell home invasion is about to begin, when the hand slowly drags it's way back out, and I hear a great deal of swearing. poo poo, it IS Josh. I rush to the door and open it, to be greeted by him, hand and arm bleeding loving loads, and his eyes wide like saucers - and red as hell. Me: "WHAT THE gently caress JOSH." J: "I...I couldn't use the keys..." Me: "So you PUNCHED THROUGH THE loving GLASS?" I grabbed a towel from the linen cupboard conveniently located right besides the front door and threw it at him. J: "I....I smoked the bad weed" ...Right, let's pause there. Now for some back story. Over Josh's back fence lived a crazy dude in a wheelchair, who was a dealer. People say that he got away with dealing and such was because people didn't want to confront a man in a wheelchair when they could just lie to themselves and say "Oh, he probably needs it." and be on their way. One summer day a long while ago, me and Claire were washing Josh's car (He loving hated doing it, and we'd flirt like mad when doing it) and we hear a voice behind us say "Hey, you guys want some weed?". We turned around to see wheelchair guy, basically doing a chin up on the fence to make eye contact with us. Me: "Um...no thanks?" Wheelchair: "It's cheap! Just got too much, and I think I mixed it wrong." Me: "Mixed it?" Wheelchair: "Yeah, with some speed(I think he said speed?)." ...We managed to convince him we didn't want some crazy drug laden super weed, and we told Josh later, and he said he'd been offered THE BAD WEED before. Now I wasn't an angel, I had smoked some pot before, but I never went so far as to even think about harder stuff. So fast forward back to now. Josh looks like he is crazy, but you can tell he is hurting, and luckily for him he is VERY close to the hospital. Now, my usual situation-handling instincts kick in and I start weighing up options. He is close enough to the hospital, being dropped off there would only take a second. Calling an ambulance would take time, and then we'd need to wait for them to dispatch AND arrive. A cab would take too long. poo poo. Now, Josh has a car. Some pseudo hopped up thing (only word I can conjure is 'Exa'? I think) and I figure, poo poo I need to take him there. Me: "Josh, where are you keys?" J: *blank stare* Me: "JOSH - car keys, Where?" J: "Oh um..." he manages to slip the hand that isn't hosed into his jacket and pull out his car keys. Me: "Get in the car." J: "But you can't drive." And how right he was. Now, it wasn't that I strictly CAN'T drive, more that I am awful at it. My father was a driving instructor, and we had our falling out around about the time he decided it was time I learned how to drive, and I had basically managed to learn the tiny basics of stopping and starting and changing gears. Now here I was, with a hyperventilating idiot, in his 'performance vehicle' and I need to drive maybe 10 blocks over a steep hill right to the emergency room. Let's play hero. I turned the key. THUMPING MUSIC STARTS RAPING MY EAR DRUMS. For those that are curious? The song was 'Fever for the Flava' by Hot Action Cop. (Josh was ALL class: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAURo0rwt6g) I manage to fumble the CD player until the front of it just pops off and falls under the chair. Like I care. Miraculously I find first gear and we're off. Now, I'd love to tell you all about some magic journey here that involved me running over a dozen nuns and driving the wrong way through traffic, but honestly it can be summed up as follows: I drove at about 60-70 kilometres an hour, heart pounding as I prayed to whatever god was listening that I was the only person on the road at that time of night. And reached the Hospital in one piece, with maybe some irreparable damage done to an engine that was forced to drive in gears waaay lower than it might like. I managed to park on the wrong side of the road, and drag a very pathetic/sad Josh into the emergency room. Now, upon entering I was rushed by staff (thank god) and they took him away. They asked me a grand total of 3 questions: 1) What happened? ("He punched through a window.") 2) Is he on anything? ("He may have smoked some laced weed.") 3) Are you a friend or family member? Do you wish to come through with him? ("gently caress no, I am out of here.") So I walked out of the emergency room, safe in the knowledge that Captain gently caress-up was safe for now, and started heading back to Sam's. Walked for about 20 loving minutes before I realised I still had Josh's keys and I really didn't want an excuse for him to come visit me, So I turned around and head back. I got to the ER doors, and thought about going in to see him - then turned around and locked his keys in his car. For safety. (Hey, it was a good idea at the time - Stupid O'Clock) I look at his car and I remember asking myself, right then, if I felt like a hero. And all I could think of was "No, you were basically a babysitter to a giant idiot baby. Idiot." Then I walked home and ate microwave pizza with Sam and watched Evangelion. Epilogue: This whole situation was basically what stopped me an Josh ever talking again. He sent me a single text about a week later, saying 'Thanks', and one of his housemates told me that he thought I was a hero for not leaving him there, but he was pissed that I had done something baaad to his car. Years later me and him passed in the street and he didn't recognise me - But I am okay with that. Oh and Claire and I hooked up again because she thought I was a hero. But we broke up again 2 days later because she caught me talking to someone with a feminine name in an online game. True story. Edit: Holy poo poo this is a long post - sorry everyone 
a cock shaped fruit fucked around with this message at 00:05 on Sep 6, 2012 |
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Sep 5, 2012 09:03
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edit- ^^^^We like your long stories, don't worry! Oh and the thought of a terrified non-driver in a muscle car with that music blaring out gave me a wonderful mental image, and a laugh so thanks for that! a cock shaped fruit posted:Does it make it any better if it was completely unknowingly?  (Really an excuse to show that Robo-Pat toy off. Look at it!) I think you and Rachel are destined to be together, how many times has fate conspired to reunite you two? It's written in the stars, my friend. 
Rondette fucked around with this message at 09:18 on Sep 5, 2012 |
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Sep 5, 2012 09:06
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My brothers knew a kid who in all sincerity believed he was Ben Ten. He even did the lame kid show sum up the moral thing. Also to avoid going of topic, do assholes with significant delusions, but for the most part their un likeability doesn't directly stem from those illusions belong in the thread?
Mind Loving Owl fucked around with this message at 09:52 on Sep 5, 2012 |
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Sep 5, 2012 09:21
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Mind Loving Owl posted:When I was much younger me and my cousin would discuss with all seriousness about how we were going to get superpowers and whatt methods we'd use. I think we gave up when we were eleven. So I guess we were pretty close to being a pair of "Denises" 
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Sep 5, 2012 09:48
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We actually considered the idea of steroids for super strength! So have we had any weird conspiracy theorists kids yet?
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Sep 5, 2012 09:56
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Two updated images at the behest of an anonymous person: OR  I feel like the first could have multiple applications...
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Sep 5, 2012 10:10
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So at my old school there was this stuck up ultra religious kid (even by the standards of a Christian school) who came up to me one day and detailed how my family 's religion was part of a vast conspiracy against "his kind" (I later found out that a lot of this is might come from a Jack Chick comic propaganda thing) The Catholic Church he thought had this database containing the names of every True Christian family (i.e Protestant) and that we would bribe every government using money from those "support the Needy/Church/Whoever" boxes you get, and then we'd build gigantic towers for each Catholic on Earth and we'd get billions of slaves each. He said a ex Catholic told him every family of the faith must report protestants to the database, and that his parents took him to a class for it. Also he said that he once saw a Bible with all mentions of Jesus replaced with Mary. He knew I was a Catholic, so I questioned him on the logic of telling me he knew about this conspiracy if I was supposed to have direct contact with the Church. Should have said I was going to tell the Pope he knew to much. His brother later thought I got his sister a detention. Somehow. And that having an after school detention moved to the next day meant I was of the hook. And I like the first icon.
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Sep 5, 2012 11:22
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Mind Loving Owl posted:Also he said that he once saw a Bible with all mentions of Jesus replaced with Mary. Truly, there is no greater miracle in the Catholic canon than the Blessed Virgin Mary giving birth to herself.
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Sep 5, 2012 11:29
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This kid also wrote some bizarre self insert stories that I had the displeasure of being read out in assembly, being included in the "yearbook" (more like year fanzine), and before I really knew this kid, asking to read his book he apparently submitted to publishers. He probably didn't think they were real so would posting about those be a derail?
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Sep 5, 2012 11:41
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Cockfruit, you can make your posts as long as you want  Captain Capacitor posted:Two updated images at the behest of an anonymous person: I'm sensing a lot of love for One. I initially was going to make it :animeguys: to mystify future goons, any better ideas for the replace text?  maybe?
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Sep 5, 2012 16:06
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P.S. STILL COMPLETELY DEVOID OF MERIT
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The first is a bit weird, because "shut up" usually equates to "stop posting". I prefer the second one, which also fits better with
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Sep 5, 2012 16:12
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The second one has a consistent font too, which I like. It would be best to keep it as a generic emoticon I think rather than :animeguys:, lest we have another 
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Sep 5, 2012 16:17
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uglynoodles posted:I need to finish the Denise / VIRGIN HERE saga. Sorry but I just had to draw fanart of this. Denise is such an ugly person, outside and in. 
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Sep 5, 2012 19:13
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sorry.
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I'll contribute to the POST IT emoticon pile for fun. Five minutes in Photoshop, do not steal.  
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Sep 5, 2012 19:49
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Horrible Smutbeast posted:Sorry but I just had to draw fanart of this. Denise is such an ugly person, outside and in. That just beautiful.
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Sep 5, 2012 20:13
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Horrible Smutbeast: Thank you, truly you are a soldier for the cause. The cause being Denise is awful. I like broken pixel's contribution, JUST loving POST IT I think needs to somehow be the phrase, it sums it up most succinctly.
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Sep 5, 2012 20:14
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Captain Capacitor posted:Two updated images at the behest of an anonymous person:
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Sep 5, 2012 20:20
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Horrible Smutbeast posted:Sorry but I just had to draw fanart of this. Denise is such an ugly person, outside and in. gently caress yeah! (is the Denise saga officially over?)
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Sep 5, 2012 20:49
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Horrible Smutbeast posted:Sorry but I just had to draw fanart of this. Denise is such an ugly person, outside and in. Sweet jesus, that face.... uglynoodles posted:I like broken pixel's contribution, JUST loving POST IT I think needs to somehow be the phrase, it sums it up most succinctly. Captain Capacitor's theme with Broken Pixel's text? Should I do or :postit: for the replace text?
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Sep 5, 2012 20:49
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a cock shaped fruit posted:Prologue You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. A prologue comes BEFORE the story in question. I'm pretty sure you mean epilogue, which comes AFTER a story.
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Sep 5, 2012 20:53
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broken pixel posted:I'll contribute to the POST IT emoticon pile for fun. Five minutes in Photoshop, do not steal. Man, all I can think is that flashing red and white hurts my eyes to look at. Probably too small and short to cause problems related to epilepsy but I still hate to look at it.
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Sep 5, 2012 21:05
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Adelheid Stark posted:Man, all I can think is that flashing red and white hurts my eyes to look at. Probably too small and short to cause problems related to epilepsy but I still hate to look at it. Well, then you should have posted your loving story instead of asking if people want to hear it. 
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Sep 5, 2012 21:09
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Honestly, I think the original two-frame "just post" was the best option.
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Sep 5, 2012 21:29
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Allen Wren posted:Honestly, I think the original two-frame "just post" was the best option.
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Sep 5, 2012 22:35
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beckyogg posted:You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. A prologue comes BEFORE the story in question. I'm pretty sure you mean epilogue, which comes AFTER a story. God drat it. The second I used it, I wondered if I actually meant Epilogue. Should have googled it.
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Sep 5, 2012 23:02
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Back to the stories! A million posts ago I introduced everyone to Liz & Cat, two women who had a rather bizarre habit of undressing and meowing like cats while rolling around each other during D&D games. Liz was vicious & manipulative; Cat sweet-natured and basically good-hearted, handicapped by some traumatic brain injury as a child. Well. Bill, 'friend' of all of us, is on Facebook. And via him I learned the horrible truth: Liz has a daughter. The girl is in her late teens now. All Bill knows about her paternity is that it isn't his. I knew it would be horrific, but I couldn't help myself--I had to look at her pictures. Oh dear Lord. She's what you'd expect: a fat teenaged Liz, in Loli clothes and cat ears, prancing around with poor, crippled old Cat, who is similarly dressed--and on a leash. And people wonder why I avoid Facebook.
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Sep 5, 2012 23:05
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a cock shaped fruit posted:Now, Josh has a car. Some pseudo hopped up thing (only word I can conjure is 'Exa'? I think) and I figure, poo poo I need to talk him there. An Evo, maybe?  I know it doesn't really matter, but I imagine him as a ricer. You're a good friend. Allen Wren posted:Honestly, I think the original two-frame "just post" was the best option. 
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Sep 5, 2012 23:47
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hyperhazard posted:An Evo, maybe? A friend of mine messaged me after I posted, and linked me an image of a Nissan Pulsar Exa  That's it right there. His was black, and was a lot more impressive all those years ago.
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Sep 6, 2012 00:04
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Allen Wren posted:Honestly, I think the original two-frame "just post" was the best option. Yeah, I agree. It's simpler and you can imagine someone hunched over a keyboard muttering "just post" through gritted teeth. That's what I imagine everything I see it.
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Sep 6, 2012 00:12
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a cock shaped fruit posted:Then I walked home and ate microwave pizza with Sam and watched Evangelion. Was it one of the hosed up later episodes? The only way that story could be better is if you watched one of the headtrip episodes after taking care of a speed freakout.
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Sep 6, 2012 01:36
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Butcher up or reappropriate anything from the emote I posted at will. It's a personal interpretation of the feelings behind the "just post already" motif. The eye-rape flashing red is 100% intentional in that version, too... Though it would be a bummer to cause someone to have an emote-induced seizure.  I just wanted it to have excessive emphasis!I definitely like the other ones, as well... I was simply bored.
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Sep 6, 2012 01:43
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MadRhetoric posted:Was it one of the hosed up later episodes? The only way that story could be better is if you watched one of the headtrip episodes after taking care of a speed freakout. I remember Sam spending like, a solid 20 minutes trying to explain the Lance of Lodginess (?) to me and I got up and said "Seriously Man, I don't get it." and went to take a dump.
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Sep 6, 2012 02:01
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So the anti Catholic kid, he wrote this novella (he thought it was a full length book) that one of the teachers announced one assembly (school pride and all that)that said student had sent in his book "The Seven Elementals" to publishers. I got curious and asked if I could read it. The file I got was read only, which was quite awful since he used some of the tiniest font ever, so I had to magnify the text as I went along. On the world of Elementia (yes that was it's name), a world teleported across the universe randomly because God doesn't want it corrupted by Earth's original sin. Despite changing places in the universe every night they navigate by the stars some how. This planet has two countries, God-Land and Atheist, in the latter they worship the Devil, no I haven't changed the names. Also Atheist is ruled by men with huge boobs because they practise witch craft. Or as the author describes them "Weights in their chests" More to come if this isn't the wrong thread. Mind Loving Owl fucked around with this message at 03:57 on Sep 6, 2012 |
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Sep 6, 2012 02:30
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Mind Loving Owl posted:This planet has two countries, God-Land and Atheist, in the latter they worship the Devil, no I haven't changed the names, also Atheist rulers a men with huge boobs because they practise witch craft.
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Sep 6, 2012 02:31
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Grammar I'm afraid. Also in the story the characters were all him and people he knew with a letter or two of their names' changed and removed. Also in Elementia there were no natural bodies of water, just what the people with water powers make
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Sep 6, 2012 04:02
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