CJacobs posted:

EDIT:

To the above:


I didn't know Nicolas Cage was into buying trailer hitches.

bonestructure posted:

From now on, I will hear every customer's lines in Nic Cage's voice. Specifically, the one from The Wicker Man.

Trash Boat posted:

To add to the long list of STDH from NotAlwaysRight, this has to be one of my absolute favourites:

Haymaker_Betty posted:

I don't know, and I cannot imagine a heroin addict [on heroin, at the moment of the alleged robbery/mugging] doing much more than lying down on a bench, or trying desperately to not lie down, and failing miserably at it.

roboshit posted:

Holy crap, Nic Cage would be perfect as every STDH character ever.

quote:

Customer: *to my coworker* “I need to find this.” *shows a trailer connector*

Coworker: “It’s my first week here and I’m not sure if we carry this. However, let me ask my coworker here; she’ll tell me if we have some.”

Customer: “Her?"

Adelheid posted:

jodai posted:

Now I can't stop picturing Nicholas Cage in drag saying all of Man-beaters lines. Actually, now I just imagine the whole scene as some kind of "Nutty Professor"-esque thing where Cage plays all the characters.

axolotl farmer posted:

I have never worked retail, but does it ever happen that regular people just start cursing and threatening everyone around them when they can't get the beverage the want?

Decrepus posted:

It is reassuring that there are women who have persecution complexes just like our MRA buddies.

shameful forums posted:

I dated an Otherkin once. Poor girl was bad. It wasn't just that her soul was different and unique, but that her soul was none other than Morgan LeFaye/Morgause/Morgana whatever version of the tale you like (Arthur's sister, and Modred's Auntmom). We couldn't gently caress in missionary because it hurt her wings to lay on them. She sacrificed a chicken when we were on a picnic to some half assed, made up psuedo-Wiccan ritual. I dumped her when she drank my blood mid coitus. Normally, with a girl that hot, I'd finish then dump her. But no. This one was special. I picked her up and dropped her naked rear end in the hallway of my apartment building and locked the door.

A Fancy 400 lbs posted:

Now I feel kinda bad for ignoring the women working at GameStop the other day. I really was just waiting for my friend who was the only guy working that shift, but it probably looked like I was just being another misogynist rear end in a top hat to them.

Pththya-lyi posted:

I can see someone ignoring female staff or insisting on talking to a man, but I can't see anyone being as aggressively misogynistic as the guy in the STDH. I don't believe that even the most dyed-in-the-wool MRA shithead would keep on screaming about how women should be beaten.

quote:

While he was attending high school, this troper's brother (we'll call him "Jay") had a friend ("Bill") who often had his lunch stolen and wasn't confident enough to defend himself. During lunch one day, the bully who had been taking his lunches told Bill to give it to him. Under his breath, Bill said, "No." The bully asked, "What did you say?" Before standing up to defend his friend, Jay locked his feet in the bench of the table that he and Bill had been eating at. Jay then stood up and said, "He ***ing said no, ***." The bully then pushed Jay, fully expecting him to fall on the ground, only for him to spring right back in the bully's face. Jay then stared down the bully, who then left.

quote:

This Troper's mother's first serious relationship (which resulted in my older sisters) was witha physically abusive man. After six years, she eventually managed to gather up enough courage to tell him to go gently caress himself, and went back to her mothers with her daughters. A CMOA in itself, but there's more. Years later, after she'd met my father, the two of them were at a party together and she saw a man slapping his wife across the face. My mum - who, by the way, is a complete shortarse - FLEW ACROSS THE ROOM and slammed the man into the wall, and grabbed him by the neck. The man rose his fist to hit her off, but stopped. Three other men were stood behind my mother. One of them said "Just loving try. I dare you.". The man proceeded to scurry away with his tail between his legs. The very best part? My dad was in the coatroom and had no idea what was happening. When he came out, and heard what had happened, he wouldn't believe it. Brilliant.

quote:

Not quite impressive as some of the other entries, but it was a big deal for insecure twelve-year-old me (as opposed to loud-mouth bitch sixteen-year-old me.) To start at the beginning: There was a talent show, and I sang. My CD was, long story short, unattainable, so I sang a capella. Because of the music in my head, I stopped for the instrumental break that only I could hear, and the audience thought I was done and started clapping, to which I responded, horrified with myself, "I'm not done yet!" into the mic before slinking offstage. Obviously this is quite fail (though a lot funnier now than it was at the time) and not the CMOA. Next week, the kids sitting next to me in class continually responded to everything I said to them with "I'm not done yet!" until Friday rolled around-a week from the incident-and it had been a particularly bad day. I said excuse me as I passed one of these kids, and when he said "I'm not done yet!" I hit him on the head with a textbook and said "Yes. You are." After he was done screaming "OW!" We both looked over to the teacher expectantly, who was watching this with an unreadable expression. She stared at us both before smiling and then going back to her work without a word.

quote:

This troper was about 13 when this happened: I was picked to take back the English books at the end of the lesson, and was at the table of two people who had been picking on me since the beginning of school a year and a half ago. I put the already collected books on the table next to on of them, so I can put the other books on top of them, and one of the bullies knocks them off the table on purpose, spilling them all over the floor. Not wanting to get into a fight, I bend down to pick up the books, crying at the futility of the situation, when the other bully pulls the back of my bag so that I fall on the floor. I attempt to keep picking up the books, and he does it again. I get back to the books, and I just snap. I had had enough of these loving bullies. I stood up, turning around at the same time, and punched the bag-pulling one as hard as I could right in his loving face. Most satisfying thing I have ever done.

quote:

This Troper's father had one of these at work. He's a milkman, so naturally, he delivers milk to stores, schools, and the like. On his old route, he had to deliver to a private school in Manhattan. He parked his truck, unloaded the milk, and delivered it, only to come back to see Mario Batali, in his limo, screaming about how the truck was blocking him and he had to drop his kids off at school. He began to scream at my father, ranting about how he was inconvenienced, dragging the principal into it on his side. Keep in mind, Mario Batali was about a foot shorter than my father. When he screamed up to him, "Do you know who I am?" my father replied "You're no Emeril." He proceeded to get in the truck and drive away, leaving behind an incredulous short chef and principal.

quote:

This Troper is very Jewish. The first Shabbat after he'd bought his house, his doorbell rang. He answered to find a couple of Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses or something like that at his door. In attempting to make his point, he greeted them with "Shabbat Shalom, how can I help you?" First question they asked: "Do you believe in G-d?" I look slowly at the Mezuzah affixed to my door, showing off the Kippah (Yamulka) I'm wearing, then slowly down at the Star of David hanging on my highly visible necklace. "No. I believe in the Flying fuckin' Spaghetti Monster. Of course I believe in G-d, you schmuck!" They look at each other, look at me, one says, "Have a blessed day," and quickly got off my property. I never did figure out who they were from, but they haven't come back since. This was in the Summer of 2007.

quote:

At times, it seems This Troper's father is a walking Crowning Moment Of Awesome. The incident that springs to mind most immediately is the following. We live near an enclave of Jehovah's Witnesses, and for years they pestered us godless heathens, trying to convert us to their religion (as they are wont to do). My father finally got sick of it, and one day as they came to make another attempt, he was just out of the shower. So my father, a soaking wet, hairy, middle-aged man, greets them at the door. Naked. They have not come back since.

quote:

This troperette and her friend Kaycee (ADHD girl) have an odd habit of carrying around toy guns and knives, and pointy umbrellas. Now, one rainy day, this guy walks up to us and says "Gimme your money and everything else you got on you or I will shoot your brains out" in Tagalog. I have the tendency to speak big words when mad, so:
>Me: I do not believe you will. My friend and I shall now continue our journey to our residence.
Dude won't believe me. He whips out his knife and snarls, "Don't joke" in Tagalog again. Keep in mind, Kay and I carry around toy guns and knives and pointy umbrellas. Guess what we both did? Yep. Kaycee whipped out a toy knife and gun while I just started poking him with my umbrella. We kept it up till we turned him in at the police station, where Kay said this priceless line:
>Kaycee: Thanks for playing! We were wondering what to do with these toys. Ooo, is that a cell?
The guy is now in jail and crying over the fact that he got tricked by a girl wielding toys and poked all over by a girl with a pointy umbrella.

quote:

This troper, while not as awesome as other people on this page, has had a couple of CMOA's himself. One was when in the eight grade, he backhanded a desk into three other rows to get to someone. This happened because something the other person said about someone really pissed this troper off and he wanted to make the guy say sorry. Thankfully this troper was stopped by someone elses CMOA when the person who stopped this troper jumped over all of the desk this troper had backhanded out of the way while they were moving and stopped this troper.

quote:

This troper finally got bored with people bullying him at school, and so after three months of planning and laying groundwork, he managed to round up all 9 of the people who had been making his life a misery, coaxed them into the school basement, locked the door with the only key, and promptly switched off the fuses for the basement lights, and used the PA to send them ax crazy messages based on a test i asked a friend to run on them (Who claimed it was for their pyschology.) as to what would freak each and every one of them out, and did so for the better part of two hours, until finally unlocking the door silently, sneaking in, locking the door behind me, and getting a friend to turn the lights back on. Two of them actually wet themselves, and not one of them has come near me since. It's such a shame we don't have a section for 'crowning moment of batshit crazy'.
So, let me get this straight; you practically psychologically tortured nine people, possibly doing severe mental damage, because they bullied you a little? Yeah, nice work pal.
Who said anything about "a little", Mr. Assumption?

quote:

Pyro Skittle had her crowning moment recently. There is a racist black jerkass at her school. She is one of the few who dealt with him in a forced manner because she is good friends with his girlfriend. How he even has a girlfriend Pyro(S) will never know. At this time it must be mentioned that Pyro(S) is the girl that makes friends with everyone, including ladybugs, (No really- they've assaulted me with their red-and-black lovin' almost monthly since last June,) can make friends with the most conservative Muslim girls that actually wear the veil and refuse to talk to non-Muslims, and has an ability to diffuse serious situations within two sentences and a tip of her hat. He said a comment that broke the straw that broke the camel's back after she warned him about her lack of patience when dealing with him for FOUR YEARS with continuous racist, hypocritical, and sexist comments virtually every time she dealt with him. He then called her fat. She got very quiet for a moment before shouting out loud, "Get Dangerous, Bitch!" kicking him in the balls- with skateboarding shoes that feel like iron boxes filled with cotton, no less, grabbing his fro and shoving his nose into her knee, waiting for him to try and stand up, and punching him hard enough in the kidney for him to shriek when he fell again. He couldn't get up. He now has a broken nose and * apparently* a very large and dark bruise on his groin, since he still talks in soprano after four days. Her English teacher told her that it was the most epic thing she had ever seen, and she used to teach in the low-income public school area. She wrote me up anyway, but only put in the cockkick because she'd gotten fed up with the jerkass, too. She now has no cell phone or TV until summer, and no regrets whatsoever.

quote:

It was the first day of 1st grade and the teacher had decided that she wanted assistant volunteers to come and help her for whatever reason. So I walked into the classroom with a dorky little 5 year old grin on my face and bout 3 years worth of television plus another 1 year of gaming under my belt. And to my right I see this little crippled kid who can't reach his pencil box. The teacher had said we have to get our pencil boxes for class. Well I had already grabbed mine but decided to help this kid and grab his for him. Well ms. bitch didn't like that at all. She came right on over, grabbed my neck and DRAGGED me to the assigned seat where she continued to verbally berate me while the teachers aids ignored her entirely. All except one, this woman comes over to the desk waits politely for the teacher to pause until the teacher stops for a second and mustering her best sweet old lady voice asks "Yes, how may I help you?" The woman looks down at her and announces this single line in a voice which trailed through the whole room like a lightning bolt cuts through a cloud. "THAT, IS MY SON!" The teacher froze in place because at that moment she knew one thing and one thing only. Her career was over.

quote:

This female troper's big sister has a more or less infinite number of these under her belt, but her most recent is still fresh in my mind: This chick was verbally assaulting me in the hallway, claiming I was the reason we "failed" our group assignment (in quotes because we got a B-). She was right in the middle of calling me an idiot when she seemed to vanish in the blink of an eye. Confused, I looked around to find her on the ground to my left, clutching her hip. My sister, who I hadn't seen come up to my right, was standing there with her foot hovering in mid-air. Yes, she had shoved the girl with her high-heeled foot. But the best part was when she turned to me and said, "You ready to go?", completely ignoring the girl on the ground. Stunned, I followed her towards the exit. Without turning around, she yelled, "Next time, it'll be your face, {girl's name)!"

quote:

To all the tropers complaining about Jehova's Witnesses, at least they only visit you once in a while. This troper's mother is a Jehova's Witness and for the last ten years has been dragging me to their awfully boring and hypocritical meetings. Well, one fateful day I was at my breaking point, Most likely drunk, and when a speaker was going on about "Oh our religion is the best!!", I stood up and gave this speech: "You all need to get your heads out of your asses. Your religion sucks infested, pus covered rear end! Why the gently caress do you think people shut the door in your loving face or hide when you knock on their doors!? Why would you go knock on peoples doors on CHRISTMAS loving DAY??" Then turning to my mother, "If you try to bring me here or to any convention they hold I will jump out of the car while it's moving and hitch-hike home!" This troper then walked home in six inch heels. To this day I have not returned to that place. Oh happy day!

quote:

This Aspie troper fondly remembers a few truly Awesome moments while growing up three immediately come to mind. Also simply looking back and realizing how far I've come in regards to my social skills and comfort levels in groups is pretty awesome itself. 1: I was Twelve years old and being constantly harassed by the class dick, it was a cold winter's day and we were out at recess in the middle of what must have been a blizzard. He was swearing at me and taught me all sorts of bad words on the spot. The guy was a walking F-Bomb. So I punched him when he really got in my face, I punched him so hard I lost sight of him. I never saw him again. Never. I never heard of him again. People forgot about him. I PUNCHED HIM OUT OF EXISTENCE!! 2: I was in High School Hell at this point and frankly I was the school's Butt Monkey. Mostly due to my poor social skills in one of those really clique-esk places. So I was trying to relax in the noisy as a sin cafeteria by playing some one man pool. We had a table so for a loonie you got a game. Then one of my most constant tormentors shows up and demands the table after calling me a Zitface despite the fact that I had maybe twenty pimples and he looked like an inflated pepperoni pizza with extra pepperoni, I point this out and he slugs me with a Falcon Punch to the back of the head. Seriously he gave out some sort of scream as he did it and it didn't even faze me. I shrugged it off so easily that he freaked and bolted. I barely felt it to be honest and this guy was an athlete weighing in at nearly two hundred pounds of muscle I think he was a football player, and I was maybe one hundred and ten pound then? Soaking wet maybe? 3: My final one was at twenty one a few months ago and is one not of violence or endurance, but being too good to patronize. A pair of Jehovahs Witnesses showed up at my door during a cold winter's day. "Excuse me sir? Do you believe in God?" they ask me. "I believe in A God but I don't think any current Theologies have an accurate assumption upon God. So I try to find God my own way." I answered. They spent the next twenty minutes showing off a flyer and avoiding eye contact. Then without even realizing it I drove them off by inviting them in for a hot drink so we could discuss ALL theology and it's inherent flaws. They left. I guess I was too nice. Go figure.

Jerry Manderbilt posted:

Jerry Manderbilt posted:

Who wants some... awesomefantasy moments of standing up to bullies?

quote:

his Troper is very Jewish. The first Shabbat after he'd bought his house, his doorbell rang. He answered to find a couple of Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses or something like that at his door. In attempting to make his point, he greeted them with "Shabbat Shalom, how can I help you?" First question they asked: "Do you believe in G-d?" I look slowly at the Mezuzah affixed to my door, showing off the Kippah (Yamulka) I'm wearing, then slowly down at the Star of David hanging on my highly visible necklace. "No. I believe in the Flying fuckin' Spaghetti Monster. Of course I believe in G-d, you schmuck!" They look at each other, look at me, one says, "Have a blessed day," and quickly got off my property. I never did figure out who they were from, but they haven't come back since. This was in the Summer of 2007.

Metal Gear posted:

That last one is sperging so hard that you can practically taste the autism.

Jerry Manderbilt posted:

Man, I knew I had to include it when I read "This aspie troper".

I love how they expect people to believe them when they talk about how they TOTALLY made the evil bullies wet their pants

quote:

So I punched him when he really got in my face, I punched him so hard I lost sight of him. I never saw him again. Never. I never heard of him again. People forgot about him. I PUNCHED HIM OUT OF EXISTENCE!!

Jerry Manderbilt posted:

When I read the revenge bullying 9 people story again, I was thinking "Christ, get help!"

quote:

Pyro Skittle had her crowning moment recently. There is a racist black jerkass at her school. She is one of the few who dealt with him in a forced manner because she is good friends with his girlfriend. How he even has a girlfriend Pyro(S) will never know. At this time it must be mentioned that Pyro(S) is the girl that makes friends with everyone, including ladybugs, (No really- they've assaulted me with their red-and-black lovin' almost monthly since last June,) can make friends with the most conservative Muslim girls that actually wear the veil and refuse to talk to non-Muslims, and has an ability to diffuse serious situations within two sentences and a tip of her hat. He said a comment that broke the straw that broke the camel's back after she warned him about her lack of patience when dealing with him for FOUR YEARS with continuous racist, hypocritical, and sexist comments virtually every time she dealt with him. He then called her fat. She got very quiet for a moment before shouting out loud, "Get Dangerous, Bitch!" kicking him in the balls- with skateboarding shoes that feel like iron boxes filled with cotton, no less, grabbing his fro and shoving his nose into her knee, waiting for him to try and stand up, and punching him hard enough in the kidney for him to shriek when he fell again. He couldn't get up. He now has a broken nose and * apparently* a very large and dark bruise on his groin, since he still talks in soprano after four days. Her English teacher told her that it was the most epic thing she had ever seen, and she used to teach in the low-income public school area. She wrote me up anyway, but only put in the cockkick because she'd gotten fed up with the jerkass, too. She now has no cell phone or TV until summer, and no regrets whatsoever.

Alabaster White posted:

...what? What on earth is trying to be conveyed here? Who is being talked about??

quote:

He said a comment that broke the straw that broke the camel's back...

quote:

I’m sure that as members of Something Awful, there have been countless occasions where your worldly knowledge, razor sharp wit and sheer force of charisma combined forces to produce a golden moment in public - one which compelled anyone within the immediate area to collectively stand up and applaud.

I invite you to share your tales, but first I’d like to share my own experience.

Requiem for a Smug Professor

I consider myself a pretty sharp guy. I coasted through high school, was pretty good at using a computer and would sometimes have long discussions with the Philosophy teacher on topics ranging from the nature of our existence to Voltaire’s theories on religion (I didn’t even take Philosophy as a subject). Needless to say, I feel that I am more than capable of taking on the challenges of my course in Finance at University.

About a week ago, I was sitting in a lecture on Corporate Governance which basically deals with business ethics. It’s generally viewed as one of the more ‘optional to turn up’ classes, but I was in the mood for a laugh and decided to go. I didn’t even bother to wear my normal respectful class attire of a crisp pressed white shirt and conservative jeans, opting to wear my space invaders t-shirt and jean shorts instead.

The professor was already setting up his slides and notes as I sat down. He was a portly man in a faded grey suit, with thin rimmed round glasses and slightly scruffy grey hair. Hardly the professional image one might choose to project while addressing some of the leaders of tomorrow, right? Oh well, at least I already felt vindicated in my choice of clothing.

20 uneventful minutes passed, as I drifted in and out of the lecture. Responsibility, Stakeholders, Mitigation blah blah blah. But all of a sudden, I was jolted out of my stupor when the subject of taxation came up – finally something interesting, maybe his views on how to minimise corporate tax bills while keeping a positive public image!

If only.

The professor started talking about how corporations should ideally eliminate the use of tax shelters and think about their contribution to their host country. As his jowls rhythmically moved up and down and he kept braying on about responsibility, time itself seemed to slow down. My blood began to boil and the pencil I had been twiddling in my hand snapped. I did a quick cursory scan of my surroundings and all I found were slightly bored looks, but no-one seemed to be doing anything about this! It was up to me. Time slowly returned back to normal as I stood up and said…

“Sir I believe you are wrong.”

There was a deathly silence in the room as all eyes fell on me. Perfect.

“Um. Excuse me young man?” stuttered the so-called professor.

I sighed, trying to understand what it was that he didn’t get. Nevertheless, he deserved the full meat of my argument.

“I believe that you are inherently wrong about corporations needing to pay higher taxes than they do now. They deliver valuable commodities to society, are often involved in charitable events and are the largest pistons to the engine that is our economy. If you tax them, they will simply move to a more tax-friendly nation and if pushed hard enough, may even be pushed to form their own utopia, leaving society to suffer. With the greatest of respect, Professor, following your renegade moral compass would lead to straight anarchy.”

For a moment, I wondered if I had used too many metaphors and laid on the flowery rhetoric, but I dismissed the thought immediately as I saw him wipe a bead of sweat from his greasy forehead.

That’s when it happened.

I heard a single person clapping slowly from the back of the hall. This solitary clap soon spread like an airborne mutated version of the T-Virus, infecting every single student in the hall. 10 seconds later, that solitary clap had turned into a thunderous roar of applause and cheering as people I didn’t even know were rushing to shake my hand and pat me on the back. One girl whispered “Thanks, a lot of us wanted to put that guy in his place!”. She was your typical blonde and busty chick but meh, I had too much on my plate now to pay any attention to her, so I replied with a polite “You’re welcome” while maintaining my James Bond-like neutrality.

“SETTLE DOWN EVERYONE” screamed a familiar voice. The crowd parted to leave a clear path of eye contact between me and the professor. “Young man, your views have been noted but I would like to explain why they are slightly incorrect, after which we may have a civil debate in my office if you’d like after class hours. Now everyone please return to your seats” he said, as he smugly pushed his glasses to the tip of his nose with the tip of his middle finger.

It was too late though. The seeds of anarchy had been sown and the students refused, loosening their clothes and choosing to sit casually on top of the tables or on chairs facing backward. The lecture quickly descended (or ascended I might say) into a riff-fest, where everyone pooled their wits into mocking the professor relentlessly as he carried on with his futile attempt to salvage order. One student led the way with an inspired quip:

“People, your first exam is in a month and this single lecture covers materials that counts towards 50% of your grade”

“Heh. Too bad this module is worth nothing and 50% of nothing is STILL nothing. Also professor, you are gay.”

Towards the end of the lecture, I knew that I had to put the professor out of his misery. I grabbed a shard of the pencil that I had broken earlier and nimbly sprinted towards his desk. Before he had time to react, I was already behind him with a bloody pencil shard in my hand. I let out a small sigh and turned around to see the professor collapse to the floor, gasping for breath and trying to contain the blood gushing from his neck. I casually walked back towards my seat, picked up my belongings and started to leave. Just before I left, I turned to the stunned students and beckoned a cute, petite nerdy looking chick with glasses and a Zelda t-shirt over.

As she proceeded to blow me back at my place, I smiled contentedly. The professor had been put in his rightful place and all was right with the world. The icing on the cake came as I reached into my jean shorts pocket to find a condom and found that the blonde, busty chick from the lecture had slipped her number and body measurements into my pocket. This was going to be a great week.

Not Always Right posted:

Customer: “Can I borrow a pen?”

Coworker: “Yeah, sure.”

(My coworker hands the customer a pen, and she goes back to her table. However, she returns a few minutes later.)

Customer: “YOU’VE PUT A BEWITCHMENT ON THIS PEN!”

(She throws it hard at my co worker. Turns out she hadn’t taken the lid off. Half an hour later, she approaches another coworker.)

Customer: “Why should I have to queue? I have already done so once!”

Coworker #2: “Because that’s what you have to do in civilised society.”

(The customer queues and buys a piece of cake, then walks into the stock area out back, with PRIVATE written on the door, to find my co worker.)

Customer: “I’m sorry for shouting. Please take this cake.”

Coworker #2: “Sorry, I can’t. We aren’t allowed to eat on duty.”

Customer: “SHUT UP AND EAT THE BLOODY CAKE! I WON’T LEAVE UNTIL YOU DO!”

(While this is going on someone calls the shopping center security. They come remove her from the entire shopping center. Later on that day, she comes back for one last salvo.)

Customer: “I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME?!”