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theacox
Jun 8, 2010

You can't be serious.
MORE Pick 'em!
Pick TWO to survive
Burma Imperialists
Rochester Generics

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Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.



MORE Pick 'em!
Pick TWO to survive
Burma Imperialists
Rochester Generics

cbx
Dec 4, 2007

Smasher Dynamo's assistant of the Super-League.
Pick 'Em:

Burma and Cleveland to advance.

Mooseontheloose
May 13, 2003
MORE Pick 'em!
Pick TWO to survive
Burma Imperialists
Spokane Air Raids

Senerio
Oct 19, 2009

Roëmænce is ælive!

Smasher Dynamo posted:

MORE Pick 'em!
Pick TWO to survive
Cleveland Commies
Spokane Air Raids

GrickleGrass
Dec 18, 2011

I speak for the trees.
Pick 'Em
Commies and the Imperialists.

UZworm
Feb 9, 2009

Young wild Elsweyrian
C'mon baby, do you have a soul gem
I will gladly accept missing the playoffs by a single game. A fine end to a surprisingly good season. :unsmith:

I will also accept the blame for being a big dummy and forgetting to tell you what lineup I wanted to use.

Bograt
Nov 4, 2009

MagNIFicent
Pick 'em MkII
We'll go with Spokane and Burma.

Cthulhu Dreams
Dec 11, 2010

If I pretend to be Cthulhu no one will know I'm a baseball robot.
Does anyone have the 1940 to 1947 Yankees?

Cthulhu Dreams fucked around with this message at 13:04 on Feb 2, 2013

CVE
Jan 27, 2012


Pick'em

Imperialists
Generics

the holy poopacy
May 16, 2009

hey! check this out
Fun Shoe
Pick 'em

Generics and Imperialists.

ToiletofSadness
Mar 27, 2010

Smasher Dynamo posted:

Pick 'em Points

Pander (SAD) - 1 point
mooseontheloose (HRV) - 1 point
Bograt (TIJ) - 1 point
ScottyJSno(LOV) - 1 point
Monathin (CNT) - 1 point
theacox (CER) - 1 point
cbx (DEC) - 1 point
NotThatSamBeckett (PAR) - 1 point

Everyone Else - NOTHING!
Smasher: I said I'd handle running the pick em scoring, but here you've gone and done all the work. Do you want my help running this or not? If so, what's the update schedule for the next couple days? I assume Gauntlet round 1 is today and then the wild card rounds after that?

Armitage
Aug 16, 2005

"Mathman's not here." "Oh? Where is he?" "He's in the Mathroom."


Dropped the ball on predictions, though to be honest we would have went with the Bloggers and Dervishes, so it's not like we would have gotten any points out of it.

Call up Rod Carew and send Carlos Delgado back down. We can make Delgado available for someone that needs a power bat off the bench for a backup 3B better than Ken McMullen, or a dispersal draft pick!

Vs. lefties

1. 2B Rod Carew
2. CF Carlos Beltran
3. RF Gary Sheffield
4. 1B Harmon Killebrew
5. LF Frank Howard
6. 3B David Wright
7. SS Cal Ripken Jr
8. C Chris Hoiles
9. Pitcher Spot

vs. righties

1. SS Jose Reyes
2. 2B Rod Carew
3. RF Gary Sheffield
4. 1B Rafael Palmeiro
5. CF Carlos Beltran
6. 3B David Wright
7. LF Brady Anderson
8. C Chris Hoiles
9. Pitcher Spot


vs. lefties w/ DH (just in case)

1. 2B Rod Carew
2. CF Carlos Beltran
3. RF Gary Sheffield
4. 1B Harmon Killebrew
5. LF Frank Howard
6. 3B David Wright
7. DH Rafael Palmeiro
8. SS Cal Ripken Jr.
9. C Chris Hoiles

vs. righties w/ DH (just in case)

1. SS Jose Reyes
2. 2B Rod Carew
3. RF Gary Sheffield
4. 1B Rafael Palmeiro
5. CF Carlos Beltran
6. 3B David Wright
7. DH Frank Howard
8. LF Brady Anderson
9. C Chris Hoiles

Also we're picking the Generics and Imperialists for the Guantlet!

Ginge
Sep 8, 2011

Well, Chippy is already my favourite character!


Taking the Imperialists and Commies in the pick 'em.

Monathin
Sep 1, 2011

?????????
?



Burma and Rochester for the Pick'Em.

AS A SERVICE TO THE THREAD: NotQuiteQuentin, dubsteppin, you guys have about FOUR HOURS to confirm or deny continued Super-League interest before your teams don't get to advance!

Monathin fucked around with this message at 17:26 on Feb 2, 2013

Smasher Dynamo
Oct 16, 2008

Eternal Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."

ToiletofSadness posted:

Smasher: I said I'd handle running the pick em scoring, but here you've gone and done all the work. Do you want my help running this or not? If so, what's the update schedule for the next couple days? I assume Gauntlet round 1 is today and then the wild card rounds after that?

Gauntlet today, then wildcard games tomorrow, then Gauntlet, then a divisional series and so on...

Pete Ladd
Mar 9, 2012
Rochester and Burma. I like the other teams, but it feels like they are too dependent on good rolls.

ToiletofSadness
Mar 27, 2010
Alright with that in order, for all you expansion cup owners let's discuss

Playoff Pick 'em Scoring Rules

So for the Wild Card Gauntlet, Smasher assigned special scoring values to the teams, but that is not how the rest of this pick 'em will be run. For the Gauntlet, it's very simple: each correct pick earns you 2 points. For the playoff series, you will have to correctly pick the following:
  • For 1 point: the series winner
  • For 3 points: the number of games in the series, but you must also get the series winner to get these points. For the wild card play-in games, this will obviously not be in play.
  • For 10 points: the score of the final game in the series. However, you can earn 4 points if you end up within 1 run of each team's score in the final game.

As an example of how this last rule works, let's assume you were picking for last season's league finals between the Bobbleheads and the Losers. We know that the Bobbleheads won the last game in that series 7-4. Choosing any of 8-3, 8-4, 8-5, 7-3, 7-4, 7-5, 6-3, 6-4, or 6-5 for the Bobbleheads would get you the 4 points.

What that means, is that for each Gauntlet update, you can score at most 4 points, and for each playoff series update, your maximum is 14.

Grinnblade
Sep 24, 2007
Idaho is bowing out of the Pick 'em.

Running the EC has been prize enough.

Smasher Dynamo
Oct 16, 2008

Eternal Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."



Before we get down to brass tacks, let's see what the people picked.

Burma Imperialists

Armitage (JAC)
Bograt (TIJ)
cbx (DEC)
CVE (MDM)
Gabriel Pope (OMA)
gingemidget (WAL)
GrickleGrass (MAN)
mooseontheloose (HRV)
Monathin (CNT)
NotThatSamBeckett (PAR)
Pander (SAD)
theacox (CER)

Cleveland Commies

cbx (DEC)
gingemidget (WAL)
GrickleGrass (MAN)
mooseontheloose (HRV)
Senerio (NOW)

Rochester Generics

Armitage (JAC)
CVE (MDM)
Gabriel Pope (OMA)
Monathin (CNT)
NotThatSamBeckett (PAR)
Pander (SAD)
theacox (CER)

Spokane Air Raids

Bograt (TIJ)
Senerio (NOW)


As you can see, the Imperialists are big favorites in this round, as well they should be. They have the best regular season record, the most past successes, and the touch of nobility. Beyond that, the expansion owners seem split between the Commies and Generics, with a slight edge to Rochester, probably because of their history. No one much likes the Air Raids, probably because they didn't fix their pitching, and as that doomed them in the regular season, there's no reason to think it won't do so here as well.

Okay, enough prologue, let's check the results...

Standings




Imperialists and Generics advance







The only team with decent pitching in the round absolutely rolled to a victory in this round, with that 11-1 record against the Commies being a Gauntlet record for success against one team. I have the feeling that a lot of people are going to pick the Imperialists next round, too.







They came close, they really did, but they just didn't have the consistent hitting they needed to make up for their spotty pitching. Also, Gio Gonzalez had a bad roll, I assume because the Mogul engine heard about the PED allegations. But don't give up, Faustoan Bargain, it's a poo poo-ton easier to build your second team.







The Generics are kind of amazing, in that they should have died about ten times by now, but they just keep trucking. Hell, they only went 18-22 here, and that usually gets a team relegated in the Gauntlet, but they somehow managed to last to another round. Eventually, your team is going to run out of luck. Maybe that'll happen next round, maybe it won't.







I'll never understand a few things about this team, like why you never fixed your pitching, or why you played Bonds in right field, which he simply did not have the arm to handle. It was an interesting team, but not a successful one.


The Pick 'Em: A Tradition!

Pick TWO!
Burma Imperialists
Florida Oranges
New England Arguments
Rochester Generics

Pick the winner, and score of the game!
Coburns @ Antarctica Unspecifieds
New Orleans Mashers @ Luna Landers

Monathin
Sep 1, 2011

?????????
?



Pick'em!

Burma and Rochester again to advance.


vvvv Whoops.

Luna Landers and Coburns as victors, then, same scores. (4-0, 7-3 respectively.)

Monathin fucked around with this message at 23:43 on Feb 2, 2013

The Merry Marauder
Apr 4, 2009

"But she goes not abroad, in search of monsters to destroy. She is the well-wisher to the freedom and independence of all. She is the champion and vindicator only of her own."
It's the wild card play-in game, it's not a series.

Did you run all the playoffs this round yet, Smasher? If not, when were you planning to do so?

UltimoDragonQuest
Oct 5, 2011





Playoff stuff is basically unchanged other than rotation.
I think I moved the tag-up slider from -1 to +1

MLB:
Gil Hodges 1956 BRO 1B
Joe Kelley 1902 BAL 1B
Riggs Stephenson1924 CLE 2B
John McGraw 1902 BAL 3B
Jackie Robinson 1956 BRO 3B
Steve ???? ??? C/RF
Roger Bresnahan 1902 BAL C
Roy Campanella 1956 BRO C
Tris Speaker 1924 CLE CF
Billy Hamilton 1901 BSN LF
Roy Johnson 1935 BOS LF
Duke Snider 1956 BRO RF
Ernie Banks 1958 CHC SS
Joe Cronin 1935 BOS SS
Tom Hughes 1902 BAL SP
Lefty Grove 1935 BOS SP
Sandy Koufax 1956 BRO SP
Don Drysdale 1956 BRO SP
Roy Halladay 2003 TOR SP
George Uhle 1924 CLE SP
Don Newcombe 1956 BRO SP
Jeff Montgomery 1992 KCR RP
Clem Labine 1956 BRO RP
Sparky Lyle 1972 NYY RP
John Hiller 1968 DET RP

AAA:
Rick Ferrell 1935 BOS C
Billy Werber 1935 BOS 3B
Joe McGinnity 1902 BAL SP
Tom Gordon 1992 KCR RP
Mark Davis 1992 KCR RP


vs. RHP
3B Mcgraw
LF Hamilton
CF Speaker
RF Snider
SS Banks
C Campanella
1B Kelley
2B Stephenson

vs. LHP
LF Kelley
RF Steve
SS Banks
1B Hodges
C Campanella
2B Stephenson
3B Cronin
CF Speaker

#1 Koufax
#2 Halladay
#3 Grove
#4 Drysdale
Mopup Newcombe
CL Lyle
SU Montgomery
SR Hiller
SR Labine
MR Uhle
LR Coveleski

Hit and Run: +2
Sacrifice Bunt: -4
Squeeze Play: -4
Trying for extra bases: +2
Stealing Bases: +2
Aggressively Tagging Up: +1
Pitch Outs (to prevent stolen bases): +1
Giving Intentional Walks: -3
Pitching Around Good Hitters: +1
Bringing the Infield In: 0
Guarding the Lines: 0
Making Cutoff Throws: +2
Bringing in Pinch Hitters: +1
Bringing in Pinch Runners: +1
Bringing in Defensive Replacements: +1
Starting Pitchers on Short Rest: -3
Letting pitchers pitch through trouble: -2
Letting Pitchers rack up high pitch counts: +1

kw0134
Apr 19, 2003

I buy feet pics🍆

Instead of Mantle in CF...Steve Finley, super star? Okay, I guess.

Senerio
Oct 19, 2009

Roëmænce is ælive!

Smasher Dynamo posted:


The Pick 'Em: A Tradition!

Pick TWO!
Burma Imperialists
Rochester Generics

Pick the winner, and score of the game!
Coburns @ Antarctica Unspecifieds 1-0
New Orleans Mashers @ Luna Landers 2-1

Armitage
Aug 16, 2005

"Mathman's not here." "Oh? Where is he?" "He's in the Mathroom."
Jobbers picks!


Pick TWO!
Burma Imperialists
Florida Oranges


Pick the winner, and score of the game!
Coburns @ Antarctica Unspecifieds 5-1
New Orleans Mashers @ Luna Landers 8-3

GrickleGrass
Dec 18, 2011

I speak for the trees.
Pick 'Em
Burma & Florida

Coburns @ Antarctica Unspecifieds [4-2 Coburns]
New Orleans Mashers @ Luna Landers [6-3 Mashers]

ToiletofSadness
Mar 27, 2010
Expansion Cup Playoff Pick Em Standings
through Gauntlet, Round 1

pre:
Monathin              5
NotThatSamBeckett     5
Pander                5
theacox               5
Armitage              4
CVE                   4
Gabriel Pope          4
Bograt                3
cbx                   3
Mooseontheloose       3
gingemidget           2
Gricklegrass          2
ScottyJSno            1
Senerio               0

Smasher Dynamo
Oct 16, 2008

Eternal Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."

kw0134 posted:

Instead of Mantle in CF...Steve Finley, super star? Okay, I guess.

I don't know what you're talking about, because Mantle definitely started in center for you. Believe me, if he hadn't, I'd be working on your obit right now instead of the poor Commies.

Marauder

I'll be playing the wildcard games tomorrow, so the divisional series will be played on Tuesday.

cbx
Dec 4, 2007

Smasher Dynamo's assistant of the Super-League.
The Pick 'Em: A Tradition!

Pick TWO!
Burma Imperialists
Florida Oranges
New England Arguments
Rochester Generics

Pick the winner, and score of the game!
Coburns @ Antarctica Unspecifieds - 4 to 3
New Orleans Mashers @ Luna Landers - 5 to 2

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.



Pick TWO!
Burma Imperialists
Florida Oranges

Pick the winner, and score of the game!
Coburns @ Antarctica Unspecifieds 7-2
New Orleans Mashers @ Luna Landers 3-1

CVE
Jan 27, 2012


Pick 'em

Gauntlet

Imperialists
Oranges

Playoffs

Coburns (5-2)
Landers (7-3)

ToiletofSadness
Mar 27, 2010

Roster for DL divisional round...

25-man Roster:

C Joe Torre (65 Brewers, acquired from Honolulu)
1B Frank Thomas (93 White Sox)
2B Roberto Alomar (93 Blue Jays)
3B Kevin Youkilis (07 Red Sox, acquired from Seattle Homers)
SS Joe Cronin (34 Senators)
LF Tris Speaker (21 Indians)
CF Oscar Charleston (Negro Leagues)
RF Frank Robinson (64 Reds)
C Victor Martinez (04 Indians)
3B Robin Ventura (93 White Sox)
SS Miguel Tejada (00 Athletics, acquired from Atlantis)
IF Frankie Frisch (28 Cardinals)
LF Tim Raines (93 White Sox)
OF Tony Oliva (66 Twins, acquired from Greenbrier)
SP Tom Seaver (71 Mets)
SP Nolan Ryan (71 Mets)
SP Jerry Koosman (71 Mets)
SP Don Drysdale (61 Dodgers, acquired from South Bolton)
SP Satchel Paige (Negro Leagues, acquired from Brooklyn)
SP C.C. Sabathia (04 Indians)
RP John Smoltz (01 Braves, acquired from Boston)
RP John Wetteland (94 Expos)
RP Steve Bedrosian (87 Phillies)
RP Arthur Rhodes (96 Orioles, acquired from Seattle Homers)
RP Randy Myers (90 Reds, acquired from Motor City)


Lineups:

vs RHP
3B Frisch
LF Speaker
1B Thomas
CF Charleston
RF Robinson
C Torre
SS Cronin
2B Alomar
P Pitcher

vs LHP
LF Speaker
SS Cronin
1B Thomas
RF Robinson
CF Charleston
C Torre
3B Youkilis
2B Frisch
P Pitcher


Pitching Staff:

SP Paige
SP Seaver
SP Drysdale
SP Ryan
CL Smoltz
SU Bedrosian
SR Wetteland
SR Myers
MR Rhodes
LR Sabathia
Mop Koosman


Strategy:

Hit and Run: -2
Sacrifice Bunt: -5
Squeeze Play: 0
Trying for extra bases: +2
Stealing Bases: +1
Aggressively Tagging Up: +2
Pitch Outs (to prevent stolen bases): +2
Giving Intentional Walks: 0
Pitching Around Good Hitters: +2
Bringing the Infield In: 0
Guarding the Lines: 0
Making Cutoff Throws: +2
Bringing in Pinch Hitters: 0
Bringing in Pinch Runners: 0
Bringing in Defensive Replacements: +3
Starting Pitchers on Short Rest: 0
Letting pitchers pitch through trouble: +1
Letting Pitchers rack up high pitch counts: +2

CraigK
Nov 4, 2008

by exmarx
: YOU CAN'T CUT BACK ON VOTING AGAINST THE MASHERS! YOU WILL REGRET THIS!


Mashers

Do I get to choose who gets to start for me in the playoff game? If so, Johnson.

Smasher Dynamo
Oct 16, 2008

Eternal Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."


Workers of the Super-League, unite!

Owner: Faustoan Bargain
Location: Cleveland, OH
Home Grounds: Progressive Field

Teams Used
1964 Pittsburgh Pirates
2004 Baltimore Orioles
2011 Chicago White Sox
2012 Washington Nationals

Past Records
Expansion Cup VII
88-75, 1st Place, Laissez-Faire Division
Lost to Barons 3-4 in Semi-Finals
Super-League VIII
65-97, 5th Place, Mark Bellhorn Division, Gauntletted
Gauntlet VII
Round 1: 16-24, 3rd Place, Relegated

Titles Won
1x Television Champion

Obituary

Hey guys, as you know, I try to write obits for all of the teams that get relegated. But, when you've got sixteen or so to do, that can get a bit tricky, so I decided to outsource this obit to Cracked.com. Now, they wanted money, and I only had about $3.50 on hand, so they didn't really work very hard on it, and, somewhere along the way, I think they might have gotten confused as to the point of this obit, but still, I think it came out pretty well! Or good enough, at any rate. Enjoy! - S.D.

The 5 Biggest Reasons that Communism Failed

The Cold War lasted from 1946 to 1991, that's 45 years where the people of the world lived in constant fear of being blown to atoms at any moment. Also, the fear that the other side would send over a chemically-enhanced boxer who would crush our mightiest heroes.


Apollo Creed, we hardly knew ye!

Things continued on this way for decades until, in the span of a couple of years, the forces of Communism completely fell apart, and America proved that capitalism was not only the best way to organize an economy, it was the only way. But what did happen to the Reds, anyway? But then again, it's not like the Communists were ever going to win the war, anyway...

#5. Star Wars worked...sort of

In 1980, America had a choice between a peanut farmer whose term in office had ranged from the comic-tragic to the tragic-tragic and a B-Movie Star who made the brilliant argument that by cutting taxes, the government could collect more in taxes.


The people knew a winner when they saw one

One of Reagan's signature defense proposals was the SDI project, popularly known as "Star Wars" because it involved futuristic weaponry, advanced space technology and, if all went well, Jedi tanks.


This isn't a Jedi tank, but the editors said that this would make sure the article got more hits

Of course, none of the technology really worked, as the era of cassette tapes and Ataris wasn't quite up to the task of putting dozens of X-ray lasers into orbit around the planet to guard against Soviet ICBMs. What it did do was cost billions of dollars, causing the national debt of the country to balloon, and setting the stage for thirty years of politicians trying to create a panic about the debt.

But while that continuing political strife may yet destroy America, at least it killed the Soviets first. The Soviets weren't stupid, of course, they knew that Reagan couldn't just create super-advanced technology out of nowhere, but, at the same time, they knew that all of those expenditures were going somewhere, and as America's greatest rival, they were pretty sure that it was being used to fight them. So, in the face of this threat, nebulous as it was, they had no choice but to spend money they didn't really have on armaments of their own in response. The resulting expenditures practically bankrupted the Soviet Union, and, ironically, it's hard to keep up the death-struggle against capitalism with no capital.

#4. Communism was super-inefficient

It turns out that there was only one teensy-tiny problem with the Soviet Union's centrally-planned economy: it didn't work at all.

See, for all of the problems that capitalism causes, one thing that it does reasonably well is match supply to consumer demand. If people want iPhones, they'll pay enough for them to make it profitable for Apple to make more of them. Thus, everyone who wants an iPhone, and has the money, can probably get one.


Economics was invented by Steve Jobs

But in the Soviet Union, that wasn't how things worked. People wanted things like appliances and furniture, but they weren't in charge, the Communist party was and, in the late '70s and early '80s, what they wanted was weapons, and lots of them. The problem for the Communists was that they devoted incredible sums of money to their mighty war machine, in hopes of keeping parity with the Americans, who had the advantage of a much more robust economy on their side, and since the economy was centrally planned, that meant that if the government decided to build tanks instead of toasters, there really wasn't anyone around to pick up that slack.


Unless you could combine the two...

Amazingly, this wasn't the best was to run an economy, and, by the '80s, it was really starting to strain entire Communist bloc. Of course, that wasn't the only stress they had...

#3. Most communist countries hated the Russians

A lot of people hate their boss, which is fine when you're working at Kinko's and spend your time downloading torrents and playing Minecraft, but it's not so great when you're trying to destroy capitalism.


This lesson brought to you by Cobra Commander

The Warsaw Pact was like the Soviet Union's Legion of Doom to NATO's Justice League. The eight members of the Warsaw Pact where all Eastern European countries with communist governments that had been installed by the Soviets in the immediate aftermath of World War II. Amazingly, this did not exactly endear the Soviets to their neighbors, especially when the USSR periodically crushed any attempt made to democratically reform themselves.


In fairness, when you spend your entire budget on tanks, you kind of have to use them whenever possible

Even worse, the other nationalities in the Soviet Union weren't too happy about being there either, especially the Baltic States who had been conquered by the Soviet Union per the terms of the Ribbentrop-Molotov pact during World War II.


Communazis!

The net result was that by the '80s, no one really wanted to be part of the Soviet Union, and they were ready to take up arms about it. Normally, this would just have meant another beating by the Red Army, but the leadership of the Soviet Union had recently changed...

#2. Gorbachev was a dreamer, whose dream destroyed his country

In 1982, Leonid Brezhnev, who had been running the Soviet Union for close to twenty years, died of old age. He was replaced with Yuri Andropov, who was already 68 years old, and not in great health to begin with. But hey, he had experience! Besides, what's the worst that could happen?


Total renal failure four months into his reign. That would be the worst.

So Andropov spent the last twelve months of his fourteen-month term in the hospital as his health slowly deteriorated. When he died in early 1984, one might think that, with their last two leaders having died in quick succession thanks to age-related illness, that this might be the universe's way of telling them to pick someone a bit more spry to lead their glorious, socialist paradise. But the Soviets said, "gently caress that, the only way to make sure we pick a leader who won't get sick right after taking office is to pick an old guy who's already sick!"


Looks pretty fit to me!

Enter Konstantin Chernenko, a 73 year-old who was already so ill that he was barely able to attend his own inauguration. Astonishingly, Chernenko didn't last long either, managing only about a year in office before dying. The Soviets had to go back to the drawing board.

At this time, the state funeral budget was officially getting out of hand, so the Politburo selected someone a bit younger, tapping 51 year-old Gorbachev for the job. And, like any young turk, Gorbachev had big ideas to fix everything. Unfortunately, they were ideas that would ultimately destroy the entire Soviet Union.

The problem was that, for decades, the Soviet Union had covered up most of its problems through massive repression. Someone speaking out against the government? Siberia! Someone missed their crop quota? Siberia! Someone drank the last cup of coffee in the Kremlin without making a new pot? Siberia! It wasn't exactly the most pleasant of lives for Soviet citizens, but it did ensure that they would think twice about questioning their government.

But Gorbachev wanted to change that! He put in place economic reforms, as well as loosening restrictions on speech and expression. Normally, that would be a good thing, but it did mean that the people now had the opportunity to get together and discuss how much they disliked the Soviet Union.

Even worse, remember those Baltic States? Well, free to talk about their discontent, they decided that they might as well form their own countries.


Presumably with blackjack and hookers

The normal response from the Soviet government to such disturbances was to send in the army and tell them to just start attacking the local populace until they shut the hell up. But Gorbachev was a different kind of leader, and he was willing to see where this was going, which, as it turned out, was democratic revolutions breaking out in every single country in the Warsaw Pact, as well as independence movements in most of the non-Russia parts of the Soviet Union. By the time he realized what was happening and tried some more reforms, it was too late, and the Soviet Union shattered into 15 pieces, ending the Cold War right then and there.

#1. Bob Veale was a terrible choice for the Super-League

Bob Veale wasn't a terrible pitcher, but he wasn't all that good, either. In fact, he really only had four good years in his entire career, and they all took place in an era when a kitten could have posted a sub-3.00 ERA in the National League.


The league leader in WHIP and cuteness!

Anyway, Veale's greatest asset was that, at his best, he could strike out a ton of guys, even leading the National League in strikeouts in 1964. Of course, he led the league in walks allowed four times in five years, which is bad, especially in the Super-League, where a guy like Babe Ruth will eat a pitcher like that alive for lunch.


Babe Ruth would also have six hamburgers, a steak, and a bucket of fried chicken

The problem with Veale is that while guys like Cliff Lee or Gio Gonzalez might work, it was hard to see how Bob Veale could have possibly succeeded. And, in fact, he didn't, doing so badly for the Commies that he almost certainly doomed the Commies to the first round of the Gauntlet, where they lost by a few games...with Veale in their rotation, making sure that he took the team down with him. Making him the kind of the Super-League equivalent of Joe McCarthy.


Though McCarthy probably would have had a lower ERA

With the Commies relegated, Communism finally failed for good, meaning that Rocky IV could now only be enjoyed ironically, and that Yakov Smirnoff would be banished to Branson, Missouri, never to return.

Like this article? Why not try other great Cracked.com articles like The 5 Memes that we will mock ironically while making money from mocking them, 6 Reasons Why it Sucks to be Homeless and 10 Cartoons from the '90s that you had totally forgotten about until you read about them in this article.

Smasher Dynamo fucked around with this message at 02:57 on Feb 3, 2013

Monicro
Oct 21, 2010

And you could feel his features in the air
A wide smile and perfect hair
He had complete control of the rising tides
And a medicine bag hanging at his side

In the flowing blue world of the death-dealing physician
Cracked owns sorry

cbx
Dec 4, 2007

Smasher Dynamo's assistant of the Super-League.
I actually liked that obituary, if only 'cause when I showed the kitten pic to my ladyfriend, she smiled and she's had a frustrating day so it was good to see her smile. Thanks, Smasher.

Faustoan Bargain
Dec 24, 2009

I'd sell my soul for a pitcher with a power sinker...
I'm okay with Veale sucking for the reasons noted; he was basically a guy who ended up on the team for depth after a solid EC performance. Instead, I'm going to spend the rest of my days hating Kevin Brown and avoiding him when I return after taking a few months off. Just terrible all season long, and I see some Gauntlet relief appearances didn't make me look like a fool for keeping him out of the rotation.

Kevin Brown is as terrible as pictures of kittens on baseball gloves are wonderful, is what I'm saying.

StupidSexyMothman
Aug 9, 2010

Oranges lament being in the gauntlet.

Ichiro RF
Lajoie 2B
Bonds LF
Pujols 3B
McGwire 1B
Griffey Jr. CF
Mauer C
Trammell SS

Rotation:
Alexander
Clemens
Brown
Welch? poo poo, I blew up my rotation for Ol Pete.

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theacox
Jun 8, 2010

You can't be serious.
Pick TWO!
Burma Imperialists
Florida Oranges

Pick the winner, and score of the game!
Coburns 11-7
Luna Landers 5-3

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