Don May posted:

COBURNS EXPLODE FOR FIVE RUNS IN SEVENTH, WIN GAME 5-4

The Dome- In a battle of faith in James Coburn against faith in the purity of sport over society, James Coburn fired a metaphorical bullet right into the head of the blackmongoose, as the Coburns used a late rally to move onto the divisional round 5-4.

The Unspecifieds had held a 3-0 lead going into the top of the seventh, but that's when things abruptly fell apart, where two singles and an error set up a Larkin home run that gave the Coburns a 4-3 lead. Moments later, another error allowed another run to score, giving the Coburns a 5-3 lead that the Unspecifieds could not overcome, and that ended their season.

blackmongoose, whose Unspecifieds have still never won a playoff game, vowed that he would have his revenge next year, "The great communist-fascist-capitalist-anarchist conspiracy that seeks to keep down this revolutionary team will never succeed. We are the union of society and sport, and that is a power that cannot be denied eventually. For many seasons, we were an after thought. Last season, we survived, but did not make the playoffs. This year, our dreams were cut short in the first round. These are disappointing results, but they show an undeniable progression. The time will come when the divisive colors of the world are stripped, and a uniform sea of white blankets the entire world, a snow of peace to blanket this stained world. Soon...but not today."

The owner of the Coburns, Warm Sarsaparilla, attributed his victory to, "The will of Coburn, who has guided me this far, and decided that the Coburns must now continue on in their holy mission. The Bangers, faithless and monstrous, loom before us, and we will teach them an important lesson in the stark inability of man to control his own fate. Marauder thinks himself a man of destiny, who can bend the Super-League to his whims. No man has that power, not me, not him, not even Smasher Dynamo. The only one who decides who wins and who loses is Coburn, and, if I may be so bold, I believe that the time has come for James Coburn to strike the Bangers down for their unforgivable arrogance!"

Asked why, out of any of his starters, Sonny Siebert was called upon to start the game, given Siebert's struggles this season, Sarsaparilla defended the decision, "There are no mistakes. Whether Siebert should or should not have started that game, he did, and he was marvelous. I have no regrets, for now all of my regular starters are fully rested for out final battle with the Bangers."

Marauder, who was scheduled to play the winner, was in attendance for the game, and had a few remarks of his own, "Ah, so it is the Coburns is it? That's good, because beating the Unspecifieds into a bloody pulp had grown a bit tiresome. And, what's better, these Coburns have a little god of their own. That's good news. Causing owners to doubt themselves is fun, but by the time I'm done with the Coburns, I intend to shake their faith in their god himself. That is the sort of challenge I live for. It should prove a diverting experience while I'm waiting for my destined revenge against the Losers. Yes, I must say, I approve of this turn of events. How wonderful!"

GAME NOTES

-Barry Larkin, as always, was a hero.

-The Unspecifieds outhit the Coburns 14-7, but the Coburns drew more walks and hit more power than the Antarctica club, proving just how effective a lineup with power and patience can be in the right hands.

-Both teams will survive until Super-League VIII, there to continue their new rivalry.

Don May posted:

LANDERS OUTLAST MASHERS, WIN 2-1 ON NOMAR WALK-OFF SINGLE

Moonbase 0-2- Once upon a time, CraigK thought his Mashers were doomed, and pondered whether to just pack it in and try again during Super-League X.

A few weeks later, he was just three outs from taking the wildcard game to extra innings, giving them a chance to enter the divisional round of the playoffs.

The Mashers, it should be said, had suffered something of a power outage in this game, scoring only on a Matt Williams home run. But Bob Gibson, not the pitcher CraigK had wanted to start this game, but perhaps the one he needed, was able to hold down the Landers to a single run of their own.

Unfortunately for the Mashers, they did not have home-field advantage, so the Landers would have the chance to end the game in the bottom of the ninth. Compounding to the difficulty, the Mashers did not have the strongest bullpen in the world, and they had no stomach to use Billy Wagner here and leave themselves high and dry in extra innings, when, because they were on the road, a save situation would, if they had any chance of winning, be nigh-inevitable. So Jason Motte would have to be the one to take the Mashers to a tenth inning.

Up first, the best catcher in human history, Josh Gibson, and he was looking to start off the inning right. And he did, hitting an infield single to short as Alex Rodriguez simply could not get to the ball fast enough, likely due to his shipment of "supplements" being held up by the Moon Customs Office. But Motte reasserted himself, and retired Manny Ramirez and Hank Aaron to leave Gibson still at first, now with just one out left to get in the inning. Things certainly looked manageable. But the Landers were not out of tricks, as George Brett hit a single to center, putting Gibson at third. That brought up Nomar, and he was in no mood to wait. On the first pitch of the at-bat, Nomar smacked a sharp single into left field, scoring Josh Gibson, and giving the Landers a walk off win. It was the first playoff victory in mrnoun's career as an owner.

Obviously, he was excited by that, "It's been so drat long. So loving long. I deserved this seasons ago, but you all worked against me. You derided me, mocked me. You all let scum like Bruzer, and the corporations, and that talentless hack Grinnblade, who I am going to annihilate next season, just like I did with his last crappy team. It's finally time I took what was mine, and that is the Super-League Championship. Just like prog rock, it was only a matter of time before the universe came to its senses, and put the best back on top. I know the W's are waiting for me in the next round, but I don't care. I've faced the W's before, and I haven't been impressed impressed. Jack McDowell doesn't win championships. Eri Yoshida doesn't win championships. The Sainted Mark Bellhorn doesn't win championships and, even if he did, I've got a copy of my own. No. It's time the Super-League finally got a champion it deserves, someone with talent, someone with actually creative ability, and someone who isn't just a lucky moron who Smasher takes pity on. The moon is going to rise on all of you."

CraigK was more succinct, "God drat it!"

GAME NOTES

-Tim Raines stole four bases on Joe Torre's mediocre throwing arm.

-Eddie Collins, Manny Ramirez, and Hank Aaron went a combined 0-for-12 with no walks. And the Landers still won.

Smasher Dynamo posted:

Pick 'em FOREVER!
_{Pick the winner, the number of games (best-of-five), and score of the final game}
Luna Landers @ South Bolton Eazy W's
Finger Lakes Phoenixes @ Lombard St. Gumshoes
Coburns @ Fukuoka Finger-Bangers
Rockford Losers @ Cancun Tornados

Smasher Dynamo posted:

Pick 'em FOREVER!
_{Pick the winner, the number of games (best-of-five), and score of the final game}
Luna Landers @ South Bolton Eazy W's in 4, 3-2
Finger Lakes Phoenixes in 3, 1-0 @ Lombard St. Gumshoes
Coburns @ Fukuoka Finger-Bangers in 5, 2-1
Rockford Losers in 4, 2-1 @ Cancun Tornados

ForeverBWFC posted:

#9: Ted Simmons (C)

mrnoun posted:

EDIT: Smasher, if you need me to tag in for a couple more obits this year, let me know.

mrnoun posted:

And you all laughed when I spent the entire offseason trying to replace Nomar! Well, who's laughing now? Wait, that doesn't work.



I guess I can turn my "stealing bases" slider down a bit, since the W's have--


--oh. Uh, leave it at +5!


EDIT: Smasher, if you need me to tag in for a couple more obits this year, let me know.

Senerio posted:

The correct score for the landers

Smasher Dynamo posted:

Pander posted:

Luna Landers @ South Bolton Eazy W's 3-7
Finger Lakes Phoenixes @ Lombard St. Gumshoes 6-5
Coburns @ Fukuoka Finger-Bangers 6-4
Rockford Losers @ Cancun Tornados 0-4

Atlantis Examiner posted:

TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE, TIJUANA CLINCHES TL DOWNING WITH WIN

Atlantis -- It really was inevitable. The Tijuana Mules held a 15 game lead as the last month of Expansion Cup VIII began, so it was a question of "when", not "if" the Mules would win the Taggart League Downing Division.

That question was answered today as the Mules held off the Atlantis Aquamen 4-3 on a seven-inning gem from Stan Coveleski and a 3-run seven inning that featured a 2-run HR from Rich Aurilia.

You would figure that Tijuana Mules owner Bograt would be happy for his accomplishments in his debut Expansion Cup. Not so much: "Oh come on. This race was over at the loving All-Star Break, and we're gonna get our poo poo pushed in in the first round. At least the Dispersal Draft is based on overall win percentage. Hell, we barely even managed to beat a team that's not even advancing to the Super-League!"

Bograt's comments touched on an unfortunate reality of the Expansion Cup: two teams would not advance to Super-League IX due to owner abandonment. The Atlantis Aquamen were one of the teams, as NotQuiteQuentin has not been seen in months. A League-appointed replacement official would only state that "The Aquamen organization is doing its best to keep things in a holding pattern until the end of the regular season, at which time a decision will be made on what to do with the players on the roster. Thank you."

The Mules will take on the winner of the Taggart League Sele Division, where the CERN Colliders and the Omaha Forgettables are currently embroiled in a close race as we enter the home stretch of the season.

Scientific American posted:

COLLIDERS CLINCH SELE DIVISION ON WILD PITCH

Large Hadron Collider -- The Colliders' experiment continues with a berth in the Expansion Cup VIII Playoffs as winners of the Taggart League Sele Division. However, the race very nearly came to last one more day, as both Greg Maddux of the Lovable Losers and CERN's own Waite Hoyt pitched deep into regulation, only giving up one run a piece to leave the score tied 1-1 heading into the eighth inning.

From there, the Losers would send Mitch Williams out to set up for Francisco Rodriguez, hoping that their offense would be able to get to a tiring Waite Hoyt. However, it was not to be, as Hoyt finished out the ninth inning without allowing another run. Rodriguez would send the game to extras by killing a CERN rally.

The game would remain tied until the bottom of the 11th inning, where the wheels would seemingly fall off the Losers' proverbial wagon. With Mark Severance on the mound (due to there being no other choice, presumably), the inning would begin with a walk issued to Eddie Mathews. Tony Lazzeri would advance him to second with a sacrifice bunt. Mark Koenig was then walked intentionally to bring up Lew Burdette, the current pitcher for CERN, but theacox would send out Nap Lajoie to pinch hit. Lajoie would hit a deep fly ball to right field that allowed Eddie Mathews to tag up and take third base.

On the first pitch of the next at-bat to Earle Combs, Mark Severance would sever the Losers from their hopes of winning with a fastball that sailed over catcher Joe Girardi's head, bringing home Mathews for the winning run.

After the game, theacox gave yet another long, barely understandable lecture on the statistical improbability of winning a division on a wild pitch. Not only was the content dense for most sports journalists, but the lecture was given between fits of hysterical laughter.

ScottyJSno, on the other hand, took it in stride. "Well, it is right in our name to lose. And let's face it, my pitching was tired out to the point where I had to send some 26-year old farm-league washout to the mound. This was probably not going to end well."

The Colliders will host the Tijuana Mules in the Taggart League Championship Series.

Walney Times posted:

POTATOES CLINCH ML LARKIN IN RATHER ANTI-CLIMACTIC FASHION

Walney, UK - Everything seemed poised for the McQueen League Larkin Division to come down to a final three-game set in Moscow between the Idaho Potatoes and the Miami Manatees, as they were tied for the lead on September 1st.

However, with a 6-1 win over the Walney Rakers today, the Idaho Potatoes would ensure that their homecoming would amount to little more than a victory lap and a couple of days off before the playoff preparation began in earnest.

Potatoes starter J.R. Richard pitched seven innings of shutout baseball, giving up only 5 hits and 2 walks while striking out 5.

After the game, in which his team's atrocious defense was once again called into question after giving up 17 hits to the Potatoes, gingemidget let forth with a stream of profanity that we have quite learned our lesson on printing, thank you very much, before then launching into another blue-streaked monologue on learning that the Rakers were also out of contention in the McQueen League Barreta Division.

Grinnblade's comments were far less obscene: "I understand that a lot of people will claim this divisional victory is the result of corruption in the office of the Expansion Cup. I have always, and will continue to, deny these claims outright and point to my handling of the Great Time Catastrophe last month as proof that I am running the Cup fairly and honestly. Hell, I could have let the Nowhere Men rot with 4/5ths of their rotation gone. I could have further murdered the Canton Catastrophes' dreams by shattering their outfield completely. But no, I even REACHED OUT and enlisted the aid of the Timelords to fix things up! And yet I remain vilified because of Smasher Dynamo's insistence on branding me as a moralless libertarian nutjob!"

Grinnblade's tirade would be cut short when he recieved word about the results of other games around the league. He looked down at the paper, saw a specific score, and visibly blanched, before muttering "We're completely hosed, aren't we?" and walking off.

The Potatoes will square off against the winner of the Barreta Division.

Detroit Free Press posted:

COUGARS CLAIM BARRETA DIVISION WITH 12-7 MAULING OF BEARD LEAGUERS

Detroit, MI - cbx's comeback is complete.

With a 12-7 victory over the rudderless RVA Beard Leaguers today, the Cougars closed the door on the Nowhere Men in what had been a hotly-contested race in the McQueen League Barreta Division.

For some reason, the Beard Leaguers play decent baseball only when it is inconvienent to their opponent to do so. That theory held true today, as the Beard Leaguers laid the hurt on Cougars starter Gaylord Perry, getting 5 runs on 9 hits, two of which were home runs. This offensive display is even more interesting considering that the Beard Leaguers quite literally are playing for nothing, as the League-appointed official in charge of keeping the Leaguers afloat has already gone on record as saying he "would rather stick a shotgun in (his) mouth" before the Beard Leaguers would make it to Super-League IX. This meant that even the Leaguers' horrid record, that has already clinched worst in the Cup, would not earn them the top overall pick in the Expansion Cup Dispersal Draft.

At any rate, the Cougars responded with an even more overpowering offense, shelling Bryn Smith for 8 runs on 10 hits in only five innings en route to the victory.

cbx, when asked for comment on facing the Potatoes in the McQueen League Championship Series, said this: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-- oh, wait, you're serious. Listen, Grinnblade may have the system behind him, but let's be honest. The Harvard Elites, the team currently LAST in my division, would be in contention for the Larkin Division crown. The Potatoes are just a roadbump, and I look forward to contending for the Expansion Cup VIII crown, then we're gonna take this team to Super-League IX and right the wrongs of the Splinter Cells ONCE AND FOR ALL."

The Cougars will face the Idaho Potatoes in the McQueen League Championship Series.

ManifunkDestiny posted:

Er wait, so where am I relegated to? Or does my team simply cease to be?

Also, Smasher, how exactly would I have fixed my pitching? I drafted as much SP as I possibly could and lacked depth in any other position to offer via trade. So what other recourse did I have?

ManifunkDestiny posted:

Er wait, so where am I relegated to? Or does my team simply cease to be?

Also, Smasher, how exactly would I have fixed my pitching? I drafted as much SP as I possibly could and lacked depth in any other position to offer via trade. So what other recourse did I have?

Smasher Dynamo posted:

First of all, you probably shouldn't have spent your first pick in the dispersal draft on George Brett. Instead, you could have drafted Ted Williams and then traded him for multiple starting pitchers, or traded the pick for the same.

More to the point, at a certain point, you really had to roll the dice and trade Bonds or Pujols for multiple pieces, including pitching help. Yeah, that might have made things worse but, at a certain point, it became clear that your pitching staff, as presently constituted, was not good enough to survive, and you had to try something else. Would trading Bonds or Pujols for pitching have saved your team? Probably not. But it was worth a shot.