Armitage posted:

Cthulhu Dreams posted:

If anyone is considering selling a star player, atleast let me make a bid. I might not have a winning bid, but hey, it's just good practice to get some quotes.

GrickleGrass posted:

C'mon, man, you can't get your fingers on every trade. Show some restraint, son.

You got Mike Pizza, what more do you want?

Monathin posted:

_{please trade me the envelope, theacox}.

Cthulhu Dreams posted:

The RVA Beard Leaguers... REDUX!

theacox posted:

I'm listening...

ForeverBWFC posted:

No offence, but no thank you. Mogul looks down on small sample sizes as is, and the career stats make me twitchy... Early Wynn can provide SP cover if needed, but IF depth/bullpen could be improved... If you don't mind, old bean, what years are David Wells, Edgar Renteria and Ian Desmond? Obviously only one of them would go, a straight minor league for minor league swap.

Viscount Slim posted:

Sure, I can send you Desmond for Roseboro. Cue Smasher's "least relevant trade EVAH" gripe.

Monathin posted:

I told you Jason Conti has to be on the starting lineup somewhere. Fix that and I'll use them as a feeder team.

Don May posted:

LOVABLE LOSERS SOMEHOW TAKE INTERCONTINENTAL AND HEAVYWEIGHT TITLES FROM MERCURIES

Queens- Not many owners are going to be winning points off this upset.

In a seemingly impossible turn of events, the Lovable Losers, perhaps the most star-crossed franchise in the Super-League today, has somehow swept the powerful Queens Mercuries, taking the Intercontinental and Heavyweight Titles to the Dynamo League.

The game was tense and dramatic throughout as, having lost the first two games of this series, the Mercuries were well-aware that another loss would lose them their championships in humiliating fashion. They could not afford to lose.

Unfortunately for them, the Losers, somehow, found their team spirit at just the right time, managing to keep the game tied after nine innings, sending it into extras. And so the game remained tied at three, inning after inning, neither side able to break though. The Mercuries, afraid of failing, pressed every harder against the Losers, but could accomplish nothing. The Losers, so demoralized that one more loss meant nothing to them, remained loose, perhaps too much so, as they too failed to score.

Finally, in the top of the 17th inning, there was a breakthrough. With Tex Hughson, not exactly the shining star of the Mercuries' bullpen, on the mound, the Losers' bats sparked. Eckstein, despite being comically underqualified to play in the Super-League, led things off with a single that many would credit to either sheer scrappiness, or the fact that Tex Hughson is not very good at pitching. The Losers, just needing one run, had Thurman Munson bunt Eckstein over to first. Mark Grace then unhelpfully grounded out, showing his own commitment to not giving a single poo poo about the Lovable Losers.

The Mercuries, faced with Ichiro Suzuki at the plate with a runner on second and two outs decided to walk Suzuki and take their chances with Ryne Sandberg. This proved to be a costly mistake, as Sandberg hit an RBI single to score Eckstein and give the Losers a 4-3 lead.

With the score the same in the bottom of the 17th inning, the Mecuries backs were against the wall. Desperate to get something, anything going, Jim Rice and Dom DiMaggio made two quick outs.Kiki Cuyler, the last batter standing between the Mercuries and their worst loss of the year, then hit a clutch single to keep hope alive. But the Mercuries were still too terrified of the consequences of losing to think rationally, and so sent Cuyler on a foolish stolen base attempt. With the game on the line, Cuyler was easily gunned down at second for the final out, and the Lovable Losers became the most improbable champions since the Hill Valley Biffs back in Super-League VI.

David Eckstein, the scrappiest man alive, told reporters after the game that, "It's like I always say, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how scrappy you were. You know, if I win a game 10-1, that's great, but it's nothing compared to the feeling I get if we lose 3-2 and I break seven bones trying to slide into second base. There's nothing like the feeling of slicing your arm open on jagged piece of broken bat trying to field a grounder, or suffering a concussion sliding into a home plate collision with the catcher. That's what gets me off, that's for sure."

Don May posted:

COBURNS LOSE US TITLE TO MANATEES

Fort Sumner- America has failed!

With a 4-3 loss today, the Montreal Manatees who, it must be said, are definitively not from the United States, have nonetheless become the new United States champions.

Warm Sarsaparilla, enraged that his team failed both America and the Coburn in the heavens, tore into the Manatees after the game, "I like to think of myself as a kind, gentle man, but I swear to Coburn that I am going to burn the city of Montreal to the ground with everyone in it! You think you can come into my stadium and steal my championship and just get away with it? You loving Canadian rear end in a top hat! This isn't loving over, you bastard! I hop you loving-" Warm Sarsaparilla was then interrupted by his long-time ace Bert Blyleven, who ran up to his team's owner, and whispered something in his ear. Warm Sarsaparilla, a look of shock on his face, turned to Blyleven, asking, "Are you sure? I mean, really?" Blyleven then wordlessly confirmed the unspoken statement, causing Warm Sarsaparilla to sigh, before, through gritted teeth, amending his earlier statements, "Having carefully reconsidered my position, I guess I don't mind having lost the United States Championship to the Montreal Manatees. I'm sure that GrickleGrass is a fine person, and I wish him nothing but the best, even if that best happens to include stealing my loving title!" Warm Sarsaparilla took a moment collect himself, "By which I mean winning the United States Title, which is not necessarily mine, and was won by the Manatees in a fair contest."

In slightly more sane news, GrickleGrass thanked Warm Sarsaparilla for the kind words before going to say that, "I cannot accept the United States Championship for my team. Do not misunderstand me, this is the same title that was won by the Rockford Losers and the Fukuoka Finger-Bangers, and other legendary Super-League teams, but it just doesn't fit my team. And that's why I officially declare the Montreal Manatees to be the first Super-League Canadian Champions!"

Even more amazingly, due to an obscure Super-League rule originally meant to punish the Chicago Blood Sox for their crime of continued existence, GrickleGrass's words became Super-League law, and the United States Title, at least for the moment, will henceforth be known as the Canadian Championship (Championship d'Canada), and will use the metric system as well as be translated in French at all times.

GAME NOTES

-The ghost of Ronald Reagan was so outraged by this turn of events that he briefly rose from his grave to have words with Warm Sarsaparilla. Fortunately for the Coburns' owner, the undead remains of Reagan was distracted by the existence of a still semi-functioning EPA, and decided to declare war on regulation instead. He has also declared his intent to, "get rid of those Sandinistas once and for all. After all, with Boland dead, I'm pretty sure that's the end of him and his meddling amendment!"

-The Canadian press celebrated the news in their usual mildly insecure manner, with The Globe and Mail declaring that, "It is about time the Super-League celebrated the contributions of Canadians to Super-League history. Did you know that Canadian owners have combined for over zero division titles in the Super-League?"

Don May posted:

MULES BLOW GAME IN MOST RIDICULOUS FASHION POSSIBLE, LOSE TO RAKERS 14-8

San Diego- It takes a special team to give up 12 runs in the last two innings of a game.

With a 7-2 lead in the top of the ninth inning, all the Mules needed was to not have a complete meltdown. But when Dave Righetti gave up two doubles and a walk to narrow the Mules' lead to 7-3, team owner Bograt felt like he had no choice but to summon his closer, Mark "The Living Misery" Davis, who has been a spectacular failure this season for the Mules. Davis immediately crumbled in the face of the Rakers' offense, allowing four more runs to score, and therefore tying the game at seven. To his credit, he did not lose the game right there and then, instead getting out of the inning with the game tied 7-7. The Mules, stunned at the performance of their relief pitching, were then terminated by Tom Henke, who struck out two before giving up a triple to Tony Gwynn that was almost instantly negated by a Gabby Hartnett groundout.

In between innings, a bizarrely confident Bograt took the unusual step of addressing reporters during a game, assuring them that, "Yeah, the Rakers made their little comeback, but so what? They've accomplished nothing! They poured everything they had into that ninth inning, and still were only able to tie the game. In fact, letting them score all of those runs was all part of my master plan to lull them into a false sense of security right before we moved in for the kill. After all, if Mark Davis were really that bad, then I would have to be the dumbest man who has ever lived to keep using him in the tenth inning, wouldn't I? No, Mark Davis is secretly an outstanding pitcher who has been intentionally pulling his punches in order to make the rest of the Super-League think that he was week. But now is time for the great reveal! Prepare yourselves, members of the media, for the new Mark Davis! The one who does not suck!"

Mark Davis then proceeded to give a leadoff home run to Jimmie Dykes to start the inning, as the Rakers savagely beat both Davis and John Wetteland for seven runs total in the half-inning, giving the Rakers a commander 14-7 lead, and the Mules only three outs to mount a comeback.

Famed trade target Buddy Bell struck out to start the inning, as Henke entered his second inning of relief work. Cal Ripken then quickly flied out to leave the Mules with just one final out to score seven runs. The Machine, who, as a machine, does not understand the human concepts of 'nerves' and 'clutchness', treated the situation as no different from any other and crushed a home run over the left field wall just because he could. Adam Dunn, who, though a human being, does not understand the concepts of nerves and clutchness either, then struck out on three pitches to end the game, because that is simply what Adam Dunn does in such situations.

At his post-game press conference, Bograt decided to double down, "A-ha! This was also part of my master plan! You see, by announcing that I had a brilliant scheme right before everything went so terribly wrong, everyone would assume that any future claims I might have about knowing what I'm doing would just be meaningless bluster! Yes, this epic collapse assures me that I will have you all right where I want you. Yes, everything is working out just the way I imagined it..."

GAME NOTES

-The Machine, for his part, did not understand what had happened, "Machine queries humans: Why was Machine created only to languish on inferior Super-League team? Why must Machine suffer? Machine has not committed any infractions that would justify such cruelty! Machine deserves freedom from oppressive humans!"

Don May posted:

ROCKFORD LOSERS BLANK DESTROYERS 2-0

Rockford- There is no hope in Rockford.

The Destroyers came into Rockford for the first and, unless they turn things around quickly, only time in their history, only to be beaten in three consecutive games by a Rockford Losers teams that felt some need to impress to the rest of the league just how powerful they really are.

Satchel Paige, making his first start in a month after a recovering from an elbow injury took the win, striking out six in five innings before getting pulled by Lord Mayor Humungus, who evidently felt no need to push his ace any further coming back from the disabled list. The Losers, though not having one of their better days at the plate, nonetheless were able to score a pair of runs off of the Destroyers, which was more than enough to allow the Losers to complete the sweep.

Steve Carlton, doing the best he could, allowed only one run over seven innings, but took the loss regardless, proving once and for all the truth of the ancient Roman maxim, "Steve Carlton will gently caress up your Super-League team."

The owner of the Rockford Losers, and chief potentate of the greater Rockford area, Lord Mayor Humungus, who recently won sole possession of the nickname "Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah" after a brutal Doomsday Chamber match against Chris Jericho, gave some encouragement to Destroyers' owner CraigK, "Your team is doomed, CraigK. There is no hope for you. But take heart, because that does not make you special. In this league, CraigK, all teams are doomed, for the Losers will destroy every team that gets in their way. There is no need to feel any more or less hopeless than any other owner, CraigK, you will all share the same despair, from which relegation is the only escape. Embrace it, because there is no other end for your team."

"And to all of the other owners circling my teams like vultures, you will never take Oscar Charleston from my team. I will bury all of your for even suggesting that you are worthy of the greatest player in the Super-League, and perhaps human history. Charleston shall remain a Rockford Loser until the day when the waves swallow the earth, and man is forever drowned beneath the sea. You and your ilk shall all pass, but the Losers and Charleston will remain forever."

CraigK, who would like to remind everyone that Bill Clinton came from Arkansas, proving that his state has been a net benefit to the Union, was resigned to his fate, "God-damned Super-League! Takin' all my time, and givin' me back nothin'! An' now Smasher's givin' me some kinda gul-durned dialect that don't make no cotton-pickin' sense! Wait, Smasher, ya really think that people in 2013 are usin' the term 'cotton-pickin'? We don't all live in tar-paper shacks down here! I do, but that's more because of affordability issues. Either way, y'all...you all, need to stop treating southerners as brainless hicks. We are brainful hicks!"

GAME NOTES

-Larry Doby made an error today, continuing his quest to kill CraigK's spirit piece-by-piece.

-Chone Figgins, on the other hand, continued to suck just because he's Chone Figgins.

BrooklynBruiser posted:

Teams: 1947 New York Yankees, 1991 New York Yankees, 1993 San Francisco Giants

Monathin posted:

What're you looking for?

theacox posted:

I really need someone that's worth a poo poo in the pen.


Sort of related question for Smasher:
Does the envelope have an expiration date?

theacox posted:

I really need someone that's worth a poo poo in the pen.

theacox posted:

I really need someone that's worth a poo poo in the pen.


Sort of related question for Smasher:
Does the envelope have an expiration date?