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Smasher Dynamo posted:"And while I'm here, I would also like to insult the following British bands: Coldplay, The Stone Roses, The Smiths...and let's add Morrissey while we're at it, The Cure, The Police, anything by Eric Clapton after 1985, the Rolling Stones after 1970...those by name and all others." The Police get a reprieve because Andy Summers was in Soft Machine, and sat in on the Animals' Love Is. The rest can go gently caress themselves, though.
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Apr 30, 2013 02:39
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I guess Clemens was too tired to start the wildcard game? I would've preferred him to start over Pedro (as I requested), but it wouldn't have mattered, anyway, what with the outcome so it doesn't matter. It's too bad both Ralph Kiner and Edgar Martinez were injured-- I really could've used those right handed bats. Good show, Walney. My hat is off to you. I wish you luck against the Landers, here's hoping for an upset. I'll be rooting for you the rest of the way. I'd like to take the opportunity to say how proud I am of my team, they've really done Canada good in providing an exciting distraction that raised awareness in the wake of the recent poutine flood that claimed the lives of two elderly cheese makers and a cow. Good gravy. Not since the cheese curd avalanche of '63 has such a tragedy occurred on Quebecois soil. Canada is proud of the mighty sea cow. For the Manatees, I echo one last glorious  !Time for the honorable Canadian tradition of observing the rest of the playoffs between days on the golf course in preparation for the season ahead. I really didn't think we'd do any better than .500 (as the best possible outcome, our EC record) so snagging a wildcard spot surprised the hell out of me. I kind of didn't deserve to be here among such great competition, so it's better off I didn't go on to embarrass myself against the Landers. Oh,  I'll be looking forward to Super League X: Marauder's Revenge. Maybe we can hang on for season 11-- ah, I'd better not get ahead of myself and the luck of the Manatee.Anyway, I've rambled on too long. Thanks for the opportunity, Smasher. This season was a lot of fun and a happy distraction from the monotony of my living situation. This Canuck appreciates all your hard work.
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Apr 30, 2013 02:41
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Expansion Owners Pick 'Em Pick winner, number of games, and final score of the final game Cleveland Unicorns @ Burma Imperialists in 4, 6-3 Coburns @ Rockford Losers in 3, 5-1 Ryleh Cultists @ Queens Mercuries in 5, 4-3 Walney Rakers @ Luna Landers in 4, 3-1
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Apr 30, 2013 02:52
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Imperialists in 4, 4-2 Losers in 4, 5-2 Mercuries in 5, 4-3 Landers in 3, 6-2
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Apr 30, 2013 03:09
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oldskool posted:
I'm interested in Andruw Jones. Let's talk shop.
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Apr 30, 2013 03:59
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oldskool posted:
I may be interested in Cecil Travis. Is this pre-war or post-war Cecil? I don't have too much in the way of starters that would be worth that trade, unless you'd like a young Jamie Moyer or a younger Jamie Moyer (or I suppose alternatively an Al Leiter who ended the season 5-0 with a sub 1.00 ERA for a while filling in for the Big Unit-- ignore the sample size), but I do have a few relievers available (and some in my feeders I didn't roster as I was unsure this being my first season). Some lefties: John Franco, Dennis Cook, Mike Gonzalez, Kenny Rogers, Norm Charlton. That's just off the top of my head. Could use a utility guy to cover all positions. If anything catches your eye, let me know. EDIT: Also, my own block: The Block: 1B/DH - Rafael Palmeiro LF - Willie Stargell OF - Rickey Henderson DH/RF - Vlad Guerrero 3B/SS - Carlos Guillen IF - Robin Ventura IF - Edgardo Alfonzo & RP - Octavio Dotel SP - Jamie Moyer the Younger (Have an old Moyer and want a younger one? One can never have too many Moyers!) SP - Jamie Moyer the Elder (Want to compile as many Moyers as possible? Now's your chance!) SP - Orel Hershiser And any of the previously mentioned relievers. If there's any interest, let me know and I can hop on IRC to talk or just make an offer in the thread. GrickleGrass fucked around with this message at 05:33 on Apr 30, 2013 |
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Apr 30, 2013 05:00
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That's a pretty good start to a playoff career. The odds next round aren't good, I'll admit, but an effort has to be made regardless. Josh Gibson vs Jim Sundberg: The biggest positional mismatch in Super League playoff history? GrickleGrass: What year is that Rickey?
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Apr 30, 2013 10:14
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gingemidget posted:
Yeah, how old is Henderson and Stargell? And Vlad
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Apr 30, 2013 10:19
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Expansion Owners Pick 'Em Pick winner, number of games, and final score of the final game Cleveland Unicorns in 5, 4-3 Coburns in 4, 6-1 Ryleh Cultists in 3, 4-2 Luna Landers in 4, 5-3
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Apr 30, 2013 10:46
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Cleveland Unicorns @ Burma Imperialists in 4, 6-4 Coburns @ Rockford Losers in 5, 4-3 Ryleh Cultists @ Queens Mercuries in 4, 3-1 Walney Rakers @ Luna Landers in 3, 7-3
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Apr 30, 2013 15:34
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 Imperialists in 4, 4-2 Coburns in 5, 5-4 Mercuries in 5, 6-1 Luna Landers in 3, 12-1 The Bombers trading block, while we're all at it: '95 Jose Canseco: In his prime, already hit five home runs during DH duty over the first two months, but he can also play both COF positions. I'm looking for a starting quality catcher, and I could throw in a 4th/5th starter or a reliever if I can get somebody pretty good.
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Apr 30, 2013 16:08
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Smasher Dynamo posted:
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Apr 30, 2013 16:25
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 Coburn prepares to do battle TFR bonus - that is a Browning Hi-Power, appropriate, given my lineup  I've been torn for a while about whether to bring in young Clifton Lee, bad-roll Bert Blyleven, or unpredictable Mike Garcia, but it's the playoffs and I don't need to over-think a guy who won't be in the rotation. Does that mean I'm rolling with Sonny Siebert and the corpse of Tom Seaver against the Rockford goddamn Losers? Reckon so. At least we just got some practice at hitting around Don Drysdale. DLDS Roster Lineup 2B Rod Carew/Ryne Sandberg RF Mel Ott 1B Jimmie Foxx LF Ted Williams 3B Mike Schmidt CF Bernie Williams SS Barry Larkin C Jorge Posada Bench C Roger Bresnahan (no P.C. order) C Det. Don Slaught (moral support, pinch hitting, and mustache presence) SS Cpt. Derek Jeter OF Chuck Klein UT Davey Lopes Rotation '75 Bert Blyleven (i.e. the good one) '66 Sonny Siebert '84 Tom Seaver '94 Greg Maddux CL Tom Henke SU Bill Campbell SR Jeff Reardon SR John Franco MR Eppa Rixey LR Mike Garcia MU El Tiante
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Apr 30, 2013 16:58
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Expansion Owners Pick 'Em Pick winner, number of games, and final score of the final game Cleveland Unicorns @ Burma Imperialists, 4 games, 6-4 Coburns @ Rockford Losers, 5 games, 8-5 Ryleh Cultists @ Queens Mercuries, 4 games, 5-2 Walney Rakers @ Luna Landers, 3 games, 6-3
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Apr 30, 2013 21:24
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 +(SLIX!)Divisional Series Roster LF R. Henderson 2B E. Collins 1B J. Bagwell CF J. Edmonds RF C. Beltran SS R. Yount 3B E. Mathews C P. Fisk C J. Roseboro (catches for Wood) OF C. Cedeno OF J.D. Drew IF M. Williams IF R. Alomar UT L. Berkman SP H. Smith SP M. Dihigo SP S.J. Wood SP D. Sutton CL J. Papelbon SU D. Eckersley SR M. Timlin SR R. Eastwyck MR S.S. McDowell LR R.R. Feller MU A. Messersmith Turn up my high pitch count slider to, oh, +4, please.
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Apr 30, 2013 21:49
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Cleveland Unicorns @ Burma Imperialists, 4 games, 3-0 Coburns @ Rockford Losers, 4 games, 7-1 Ryleh Cultists @ Queens Mercuries, 5 games, 4-3 Walney Rakers @ Luna Landers, 5 games, 8-4
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Apr 30, 2013 22:10
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 Expansion Owners Pick 'Em Pick winner, number of games, and final score of the final game Cleveland Unicorns @ Burma Imperialists in 5, score 5-1 Coburns @ Rockford Losers in 4, score 6-3 Ryleh Cultists @ Queens Mercuries in 4, score 3-1 Walney Rakers @ Luna Landers in 3, score 8-2
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Apr 30, 2013 22:25
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gingemidget posted:GrickleGrass: What year is that Rickey? Rickey's '99, and Vladdy's '11, so they spend most of their time trolling for women around the Montreal area retirement homes. But Rickey's still got his legs and a good eye, so he can swipe more than a bag or two and get on base at a reasonable clip-- a good fourth outfielder and pinch runner. Vlad is still suitable as a DH or replacement right fielder-- he's lost some of his power but still can make good contact. Willie Stargell's from '64, so he's 24 years of age. Plays passable outfield, I probably wouldn't stick him anywhere but left, though, as he never was too great a fielder-- but with his young legs he's about as good as he gets in the field. Hits from the left side, has big dinger potential, and hits for a decent average. The only reason I'm considering getting rid of him is I prefer Kiner in left for now (got enough lefties as is), but Willie's my best bat off the bench, so I'd need a reasonable replacement. And while I'm at it, Raffy is from '90, so he's 25 and feels alive. Hits the ball over the wall. Plays first base with a smile on his face and boy, oh boy, does he like to DH. Ba-dum-csssh.
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May 1, 2013 00:03
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  You know, I could come up with some eloquent summation of the Gauntlet right here, but instead, let's keep it simple: I'm going to cut some dead weight from this league.    Two Bonds may not carry this team far, but it will carry it for today.    Sometimes I feel like your team has some sort of inborn death wish. Like it knows that it was never supposed to survive its first season, and just wants me to finish it off. Still, against the weakest competition possible, the Gumshoes have enough firepower to survive.    To the surprise and sorrow of no one, the Lovable Losers have passed from this mortal coil.    Ironically, your team died because, in this one instance, it didn't have enough pitching.   Pick 'em Rolls On! Pick Two! Arkansas Destroyers Harvard Elites Lombard St. Gumshoes Sad Pandas
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May 1, 2013 01:24
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Pick 'em Rolls On! Pick Two! Arkansas Destroyers Harvard Elites Lombard St. Gumshoes Sad Pandas
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May 1, 2013 01:36
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NOTE: When the update hits later tonight, there will be a bunch of rookies on everyone's teams. These are dudes from the Amateur Draft and will be gone by next update. Expansion Cup IX Injury Report, June: Automatons SP Moe Drabowski (Surprisingly not for 90 days!) - 3 Days RP Eric Show (Oh, that's why.) - 90 Days Brooklyn Bombers RP Joe Page (PAY ATTENTION, DAMMIT!) - 73 Days Carolina Llamas SS Chris Gomez (Whining) - 1 Day SP Kevin Brown (Met 'Sweet Carolina') - 78 Days Connecticut Thunderstorms SS Gil Conrado (Stuck a fork in a light socket) - 5 Days RP Dan Plesac (Recreated the Ben Fraklin kite-flying experiment) - 28 Days Cuba Batmen SP Fergie Jenkins (They had ways of making him pitch better, but there were... complications.) - 13 Days Indianapolis Generals SP Steve Carlton (Marched 20 miles in the wrong direction!) - 6 Days 1B Fred McGriff (Tactical Withdraw) - 61 Days Juneau Juggernauts SP James Shields (Well, that didn't work.) 260 Days/Out For Season C Johnny Kling (Have a not so horrible injury to make up for that one!) - 8 Days Krakow Dragons RP John Wetteland (It's his Dungeons and Dragons night!) - 1 Day Leicester Hunchbacks SP Jose Navarez (Rookie jet lag! He'll be gone by next week.) - 6 Days Louisville Muggers SP Frank Tanana (The price you pay for your performance this month!) - 1 Day CL Tom Henke (Befitting Muggers, this isn't a very steep price) - 14 Days RVA Beard Leaguers LF Tom Raines ("You've been warned." - J.C.) 163 Days/Out For Season Richmond Squirrel Flyers C John Tommy (Virgina Turnpike anxiety) - 1 Day CF Boots Day (Mistaken for Puss In Boots, a cat, the squirrels' mortal enemy!) - 114 Days/Out For Season Rochester Generics LF Joe Medwick (Rochester Blues strikes again!) - 5 Days SP Red Donahue (Tried some 'Frosted Wheat Shapes') - 10 Days San Marcos Engineers SS Freddy Parent (Tried to jump out of a moving train) - 8 Days Somali Pirates P Johan Santana (Recreated 'Down Periscope') - 5 Days South Dakota Marmosets SP Ned Garvin (Another pitcher? Jesus christ.) - 110 Days/Out For Season Southie Hitmen 1B Jim Thome (Revenge of the Pudge) - 9 Days CF Dom Dimaggio (Deep south is no place for Dom!) St. Louis Congratulators CF Jim Edmonds (Felt 'tired') - 1 Day RP J.J. Putz (Clearly I haven't injured enough pitchers yet!) - 2 Days SP Ian Kennedy (There we go, all done!) - 2 Days Monathin fucked around with this message at 01:57 on May 1, 2013 |
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May 1, 2013 01:49
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 Pick Em Scoring through Gauntlet, Round 1 pre:Owner Score mentholmoose 5 Chilly McFreeze 4 factorialite 4 kw0134 4 Monicro 4 Robert_Deadford 4 tatankatonk 4 Beet 3 FairGame 3 GVOLTT 3 Revenant Threshold 3 alpha_destroy 2 CaptainYesterday 2 mks5000 2 Zodiac5000 2 TheFlyingLlama 1 oldskool 0
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May 1, 2013 01:52
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 Everyone loves a loser, right? Owner: ScottyJSno Location: Chicago, IL Home Grounds: Wrigley Field[/b] Teams Used Past Records Expansion Cup VIII 78-84, 3rd Place, Aaron Sele Division Super-League IX 59-103, 5th Place, Vae Victis Division, Gauntletted Gauntlet VIII Round 1: 16-24, 4th Place, Relegated Championship History 1x Hardcore Championship 1x Television Championship 1x Intercontinental Championship 1x Heavyweight Championship Time ScottyJSno spent on this team About an hour Time I spent working on this obit About an hour Obit In a way, we never really knew the Losers. In one sense, they were a classic underdog story where a ragtag bunch of misfits rises up and defeats the rich snobs. Of course, a pretty key part of the story is that the underdogs ultimately prevail, as otherwise it's just kind of depressing. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Wait a minute, Smasher, what about the original Rocky? Apollo Creed won the decision and Rocky lost! And yeah, that's true, and that ending as so unsatisfying that they ended making an entire string of increasingly improbable sequels as a result. And besides, even if you grant that the ending Rocky proves that the underdog doesn't need to outright win, the whole point was that Rocky "went the distance". The Lovable Losers didn't really go the distance by any real metric. Their owner ditched them by the mid-point of the season, and they got bounced in the first round of the Gauntlet. So what I'd like to do now is make a pitch for a slightly different version of events that would have been more narratively satisfying: Lovable Losers (2013 Reboot) So, in real life, ScottyJSno is just some guy who is apparently living in Japan or something, and decided he wanted to make a team. Clearly, that's a pretty lame origin story for a protagonist. Instead, let's have him be an investment banker with a drinking problem who gets pulled over for a DUI, and then gets sentenced to lead a Super-League team as community. Granted, that does sound like a rip-off of the Mighty Ducks, but innovation is overrated in storytelling. Shakespeare "ripped off" Pyramus and Thisbe to create Romeo and Juliet and we all agree that was a good thing.2 Anyway, so ScottyJSno is forced to work with his team, the Lovable Losers, and they aren't very good at all. They don't really have any pitching. They have David Eckstein starting at shortstop, and Barry Bonds is still under federal indictment. Even worse, the rival owner Lord Mayor Humungus shows up and makes fun of the team. Also, he's an evil banker and intends to foreclose on the land that the team uses as their home field because he is evil. Also because Humungus thinks that the neighborhood is due for gentrification, and by gaining possession of this property would be able to make millions by selling it to a real estate developer. ScottyJSno, realizing that his team will never be good in the conventional sense, instead teaches his team to use their quirky talents to help them win. For example, he tells Mark McGwire to take even more steroids to help him hit more home runs. And he teaches David Eckstein how to swing a baseball bat, which he had not previously known how to do. Satisfied that his team is now assured of victory ScottyJSno then challenges Humungus to one more game, winner take all. If Humungus wins, he gets the property as well as the deed to ScottyJSno's house. If he loses, he signs the field over to ScottyJSno. The game is tense. The Rockford Losers, Humungus' team, are like a well-oiled machine. As the game progresses, though, the Lovable Losers use their ragtag powers to slowly inch ahead. Just like in Major League. 3 McGwire hits a home run thanks to steroids! Eckstein takes a Nolan Ryan fastball for the team, and shows his grit by staying in the game even after that beaning fractures his skull! Ryne Sandberg wonders how he got roped into this mess! The Lovable Losers eventually win the game on a Shawon Dunston home run in the bottom of the ninth, proving that even the worst major league player can be a hero, even if only for a second, and even if his level of play is so bad that, on the whole, his presence is incredibly detrimental to a team's success and, in fact, there would be no need for said heroism had the player been less awful in the past. Humungus is then forced to stop the foreclosure process, and the team lives happily ever after. The end. Anyway, that would have been a better story than the real life adventures of the Lovable Losers, which were mainly concerned with sucking and dying. Although, in that scenario I created, it seems like I intimated that the Lovable Losers were all poor, and then said that their neighborhood was gentrifying, meaning they'd probably end up being forced out of their homes because of the rising property taxes. gently caress, I can't even come up with a fake story for the Lovable Losers that ends well for them. Footnotes 1For those of you who have never seen the Rocky films, here's a brief summary: Rocky: Rocky is a kind of lovely boxer working a menial job in Philadelphia. Apollo Creed, the Heavyweight Champion of the World, needs a new opponent, and it's assumed that because Rocky is dumb, slow and acceptably ethnic, the public will latch onto him as the ultimate underdog. No one expects Rocky to do well but, thanks to his hard work and his trainer Mickey's training methods, Rocky is able to complete an iconic sports montage where he runs around Philadelphia. Also, he fights Apollo Creed and manages to last all 15 rounds, but isn't that good a boxer, so he loses a split decision to the champ. But his wife still loves him so....hooray? Rocky II: Rocky is still Rocky, but he decides that he wants to retire rather than have Apollo Creed bash his brains in again in their inevitable rematch. No one besides Rocky and his wife, Adrian, is really happy about this, especially since everyone knows that's where this is heading. Apollo Creed spends about an hour goading Rocky into another fight, because he wants to prove that he's better than Rocky...even though Apollo won their last fight. Rocky eventually decides just to go along with it. As is tradition, Adrian stands in Rocky's way to pad the story out for another fifteen minutes, but then gives him her blessing to go fight Apollo Creed. Rocky then beats Apollo to become the new champion. Movie over. Rocky III: Rocky wrestles Hulk Hogan to prove that he's no longer taking any of this poo poo seriously. Mr. T then shows up as a dangerous new boxer with a rep for carnage. Rocky isn't too concerned until Mickey reveals that Rocky has lost the heart of a champion, and Mickey has been arranging weak fighters for him to face in title defenses because he no longer has faith in the champ. He assure Rocky that, should Rocky face Mr. T in a match, Mr. T will surely gently caress him up. Rocky, not being the brightest guy in the world, nonetheless accepts Mr. T's challenge. Mr. T promptly fucks Rocky up, and becomes the new championship. Mickey then has a fatal heart attack because he's had enough of this bullshit. Rocky now needs a new trainer for the rematch, and Apollo Creed shows up and takes over that gig because he is upset that because Rocky beat him, by the transitive property, Mr. T defeated him as well. And Apollo Creed is NOT going to be the fool that Mr. T pities. Several montages later, it's time for the rematch, which Rocky wins after adopting his new strategy of "Get punched in the head by Mr. T seven hundred times to psych out Mr. T." This strategy somehow works, and Rocky is once again the heavyweight champion of the world! Rocky IV: The Soviets announce that they have trained an unstoppable boxing machine named Ivan Drago to show the superiority of Marxism and figure that since that the Rocky series has become a symbol of capitalist excess, that Drago's first fight should be beating the gently caress out of ol' Rock. Apollo Creed, though, is feeling old and useless, and decides to challegen Drago instead. Rocky warns Apollo that, in fact, Apollo is old and useless, but that does little to dissuade the former champ. They hold the fight in Las Vegas, and Apollo enters to a live performance of James Brown's "Living in America". This proves ironic, as Ivan Drago proceeds to beat Apollo to death in the ring. The irony is lost on Rocky, though, who feels the need to gain vengeance for his fallen friend, and challenges Drago to a match. Drago accepts, but only if they have the match on Christmas Day in Russia for maximum dramatic effect. Rocky agrees, and flies out to Russia so that he can train in a cabin for several weeks because that's apparently how boxing training works. He chops wood! He carries wood up hills! He shouts Drago's name to the heavens! And then, my friend, is how you train for a prizefight. Come Christmas Day, the fight begins, and Rocky confounds the Russians' expectations by not being horribly slaughtered in the middle of the ring. And, come the final round, Rocky's love of capitalism, and fondness for Apollo, proves to be enough, as he gets the knockout win over Drago. Thus, communism is forever defeated. Rocky V: Rocky's patented strategy of getting punched in the face hundreds of times before making a gutsy comeback has left him with brain damage. Whoops. Therefore, he can no longer box professionally. Also, he lost all of his money. He still has the gym he trained in, though, and so takes a young boxer named Tommy Gunn under his wing. A boxing promoter then steals Tommy away with promises of title shots and glory....and delivers on those promises. Unfortunately, since Tommy ends up winning the heavyweight championship from some other boxer, and not Rocky, he is deemed to not be a real champion. Tommy, therefore, wants to fight Rocky. But, Rocky has loving brain damage, so Rocky doesn't go for it. Tommy persists, and they ultimately have a street fight outside a bar for some reason. Rocky wins, proving that brain damage can be overcome with enough spirit and heart..or something. Rocky Balboa: Rocky no longer has brain damage, which is good! But he is now old, and his wife has died, which is bad. ESPN, as always, having trouble filling time, decide to simulate a fight between young Rocky and the current champion, Mason Dixon. You can tell that Mason's parent's took to heart the central message of Johnny Cash's "A Boy Named Sue." Rocky wins the simulated fight, pissing off Mason, who now has this deal with in addition to his ridiculous name and the waning popularity of boxing in the face of MMA. Rocky, on the other hand, decides that he's going to go back to boxing, because apparently in the process of healing the brain damage from last movie, he forgot what gave him the brain damage in the first place. Mason's promoter instantly agrees to an exhibition because it's actually a win-win scenario...other than the grim possibility of Mason possibly beating an old man to death on national television. Rocky gets ready for the fight, and also mends fences with his adult son, because he assumes that audiences care about that sort of poo poo. The fight finally happens, and Rocky once more goes the distance, and loses on a split decision to the champion, providing bookends to the series...if you ignore the fact that the heavyweight champion of the world was only barely able to beat a 60 year-old. And that's the end of the Rocky films. 2For those of you who haven't seen the Mighty Ducks films, here's a brief summary: The Mighty Ducks: Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez) is a young kid on a youth hockey team playing for the state championship. The game has come down to a penalty shot, and his coach tells Gordon not to blow it. Gordon blows it. This haunts him... ...But not that much as he grows up to be a successful attorney. And then he gets caught drunk driving and is sentenced to coach the worst youth hockey team in the state as punishment, because this is Minnesota, and that is just how that state's legal system works. Anyway, Gordon meets his charges, and they aren't very good and he hates them. But one of them is Charlie, who is special because he is played by Joshua Jackson, and has a hot single mom. Eventually he warms to the team and starts turning things around, only to find himself confronted with his old coach, who is still coaching in the league, and is still mildly bitter than Gordon lost that game years ago, especially since that was the only championship his team didn't win in like 30 years or something. Gordon ups the ante by using a technicality to steal his old coach's best player for his own team that he ends up naming the Mighty Ducks for reasons too boring to relate here. Eventually, Gordon realizes that the law is nothing compared to youth hockey, and quits his job to help lead his team to the championship. It eventually comes down to a penalty shot and Charlie scores, and the Mighty Ducks win. D2: The Mighty Ducks: It sometime after the events of the last movie, and Gordon Bombay decides to try and become a professional hockey player! His knee immediately gives out, and so he goes back to coaching youth hockey. This time, Gordon gets appointed as the coach of America's team for the Junior Goodwill Games. Because he only marginally cares, he fills the team almost entirely with his old team from the first movie. The GM of the team then intervenes to bring in some ringers from across the country, none of which are particularly interesting. I mean, there's a girl goaltender but the team already had a girl...and a goaltender. Also some big dude...though the team already had a big dude. Either way, the team ends doing crushed Trinidad and Italy in the first two games of the tournament, because those teams are not very good at all. Everyone on the Ducks becomes overconfident because they're unstoppable and, with the defeat of the Soviet Union, there is no enemy nation that can stand as their rival. And then they get crushed by Team Iceland, who will be taking over the villain role for this movie despite being a tiny island with very few people living on it and a staunch American ally. Everyone is in shock because, holy gently caress, they got beaten by Iceland. The players, wandering through the streets of south central LA (the tournament is taking place in Southern California because that is a clear hotbed of hockey), when they meet a group of impoverished African-American youths playing roller hockey. Wait...it gets better! Their leader is played by Kenan Thompson! He teaches them all about street hockey! And then joins the team because only he has mastered the trick shot known as the knuckle-puck. It is an amazing scene in that not a single aspect of it bears any sort of relation to reality. Now revitalized, the Ducks defeat Team Iceland, bringing the championship back to America! Take that, Iceland! D3: The Mighty Ducks: Everyone on the team from last time gets scholarships to go to an elite prep school known for its hockey program, and pretty much everyone decides to go...but not Gordon Bombay, who decides to take most of the movie off doing...something that doesn't involve coaching. Instead, they get a new coach, Ted Orion, who sounds like he belongs in a Space Opera where he must blow up many, many planets. No, he's just a stern coach who doesn't much care for the ragtag bunch of recruits he's been handed. He puts everyone besides the Ducks' best player, Adam Banks, on Junior Varsity. Oh, and the players on the varsity team don't particularly like the Ducks either because, well, if your school handed an entire team's worth full of players full scholarships, and then put them into direct competition with you, you probably wouldn't like them either. Charlie gets upset and decides to quit the team until someone tells him of Ted Orion's tragic past. Amazingly, it does not involve him failing to defeat the Warlord of Perseus IX, and instead is just about him having a paraplegic daughter. Ted Orion is very underwhelming. He doesn't even ever cut off Kenan Thompson's head with a lightsaber. Anyway, everyone realizes that there's really nothing at stake in this movie, so the Dean shows up and threatens to revoke everyone's scholarships. Gordon Bombay shows up and prevents that, and then it's decided to wrap things up with a Varsity vs. Junior Varsity game. If the Ducks win...the Ducks win! But if they lose...then they won't have won! Ducks win, series over! 3A brief summary of the Major League franchise. Major League: The Indians suck. Their owner, the widow of a former local magnate, wants them to suck extra hard, though, so they will draw so few people that they can break their lease with Cleveland and move to Florida. To that end, she recruits the worst players she can find on the cheap: Dennis Haysbert as Pedro Cerrano, a giant Cuban who believe in voodoo, but cannot hit a curveball. Wesley Snipes as Willie Mays Hays, who can run really fast and showboat but has no other discernable baseball skills. Charlie Sheen as Rick Vaughn, a fireballer with absolutely no control and a criminal past. Tom Berenger as Jake Taylor, a former all-star catcher whose knees no longer work. and Corbin Bernsen as Corbin Bernsen as...who the gently caress cares. Anyway, the team isn't very good, and the season starts off poorly. Fortunately, each of their putative stars has an easily fixable flaw. Vaughn just needs glasses, Hays just needs to be taught to not be an rear end in a top hat all the time, Cerrano just needs to learn exactly the right sacrifice to his god needed to be able to hit a curveball, and Jake Taylor just needs to win Rene Russo back to fix his knees...or something. With all of that taken care of, the team surges to contention, drawing enough fans to foil the plans of the wicked owner. The GM then reveals to the coach of the team that it doesn't really matter, as the owner will just fire all of the players after the season, and bring in even worse players to try again with this exact same strategy next year. It's a pretty loving good plan as far as things go. The coach decides to motivate his troops to make the playoffs because...uh...well the writers kind of wrote themselves in a corner there. They eventually end up in a one-game playoff against the Yankees to determine the winner of the NL East. Each of the stars has their moment in the sun or, as the Ancient Greeks call it an "aresteia", and they win the game! Movie over! Major League II: Hey, remember how the Indians made the playoffs at the end of the last movie? Well, the White Sox eliminated them in the ALCS. On the plus side, the owner from the first movie, instead of firing everyone, just sold the team to Corbin Bernsen instead, and he kept all of his buddies around. Except Wesley Snipes, who is replaced as Willie Mays Hays by Omar Epps. Anyway, the success of last season has transformed the stars. Vaughn is trying to reinvent himself as a cultured, mild-mannered player to rack up more endorsements. Hays wants to hit home runs now, despite a total lack of power. Cerrano has embraced Buddhism which has robbed him of his ability to play baseball, apparently, and Jake Taylor's knees finally give out and he has to retire and become a coach instead. Also, there is a super-stereotypical Japanese guy whose nickname is 'kamikaze.' For obvious reasons, they start sucking again, which leads to attendance dropping, which leads to Corbin Bernsen being forced to sell the team back to the owner from the last film, who immediately reinstates her plan to move the team to Florida. The stars all realize that attempting personal growth was a big mistake on their parts, and just go back to what worked last movie. This gets them back to the playoffs and this time they're even able to beat the White Sox to go to the World Series! Major League: Back to the Minors: This movie happened. Scott Bakula is some...who the gently caress cares? This film actually expects you to root for Scott Bakula to succeed! Anyway, he's a former pitcher who Corbin Bernsen, who now owns the Twins, recruits to manage that team's AAA Affiliate, the Buzz. As any Twins fan can tell you, the Twins minor-league system in the mid-90s was not the greatest assemblage of talent in the world, and so Bakula is forced to make do with what he has. And all he has is Cerrano, because Dennis Haysbert is still a few years from becoming President Palmer, that horrifying Japanese stereotype introduced last movie, and power hitter Walton Goggins, the Twins' only real prospect. Also, Bakula ends up in a feud with Ted McGinley (the one from Married with Children, not the one from Scrubs), who is the manager of the Twins. They decide to have an exhibition game between the Twins and the Buzz to settle things, and the Buzz manage to tie the game. Because losing the game in extra innings to a minor-league team would make the Twins seem ever more terrible than before, McGinley arranges for a black out to end the game in a tie. McGinley is impressed with Walton Goggins, though, and so promotes him to the big league club over Bakula's objections. Goggins struggles in the majors, and ends up getting sent back to the Buzz. Bakula then challenges McGinley to a career vs- career rematch between their two teams, where if Bakula wins, he gets to be the manger of the Twins and if he loses, his salary goes to McGinley. McGinley accepts for no real good reason, evidently not having thought this through at all. The Buzz win, and Bakula decides to stay a minor league manager after all. And then you realize that you will never get the two hours you spent watching this movie back.
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May 1, 2013 01:59
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Pick 'em Rolls On! Pick Two! Arkansas Destroyers Harvard Elites Lombard St. Gumshoes Sad Pandas
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May 1, 2013 02:06
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Maybe I should have carried some backup pitchers. loving injuries.
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May 1, 2013 02:17
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Destroyers and Gumshoes move on! Also how long is Dom out for? and can guys get injured in AAA? Because Thome was supposed to be sent down. If hebwasent then uh, that would be pretty unfortunate. Paul Zuvella fucked around with this message at 02:34 on May 1, 2013 |
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May 1, 2013 02:29
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mks5000 posted:and can guys get injured in AAA? Because Thome was supposed to be sent down. If hebwasent then uh, that would be pretty unfortunate. I'm thinking probably, because this Gil Conrado guy sure as heck wasn't on my team when the month began, unless the Amateur Draft automatically put him on my bench or something, or he was simply a made-up player for my roster after the previous player was sacked, and got called up briefly himself because of minor injuries on my team or something... Can't speak for Thome if he wasn't sent down, though.
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May 1, 2013 02:43
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Thome was sent down, and people can be injured in AAA.
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May 1, 2013 02:49
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Destroyers Gumshoes
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May 1, 2013 03:31
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 Injuries aren't long enough to rejigger the lineup for a month and I trust the manager will shuffle as necessary. Bad luck for the Million Dollar Men, I thought you'd make it. Pick 'em Rolls On! Pick Two! Harvard Elites Lombard St. Gumshoes
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May 1, 2013 03:33
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Smasher Dynamo posted:Major League: Back to the Minors: This movie happened. Even the movies about the Twins suck  . And the movie having Tom Kelly apparently be a terrible person is even worse. Although I wouldn't be surprised if some of those '90s teams lost to a minor league team.
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May 1, 2013 04:38
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blackmongoose posted:Even the movies about the Twins suck What about Little Big League? ... Oh wait. Never mind.
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May 1, 2013 04:40
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cbx posted:What about Little Big League? ... Oh wait. Never mind. That was why I pluralized movies. I hope those are the only two...
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May 1, 2013 04:43
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I never watched Rocky Balboa because I was afraid he'd die at the end so thanks for writing all that up oh, and the baseball stuff too i guess
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May 1, 2013 04:53
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Destroyers and Gumshoes survive!
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May 1, 2013 07:42
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I have to say that was an absolutely incredible obit. I really liked the part about the best worst movies of all time. Any time one of those is on television, I proceed to bother the ever-loving poo poo out of the missus for an hour and a half as I watch intently while describing how I feel about every stupid, minute detail. I pretend they won't win in the end, because that would be so unlikely for such a ragtag group of amateurs, and cheer them on enthusiastically when they do. I explain in intimate detail each character's background, and discuss my favorite parts while reminding her that the multitude of flaws the movie possesses only succeed in making it more of a "classic." She was a film major. This is how I know she loves me.
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May 1, 2013 08:58
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Pick 'em Rolls On! Pick Two! Harvard Elites Lombard St. Gumshoes The first two Mighty Ducks films are great while the third is terrible, but i'm unable to articulate or understand why. All of them are terrible. And yet, if the first two come on TV, i'll watch them.
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May 1, 2013 09:35
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Smasher Dynamo posted:Several montages later, it's time for the rematch, which Rocky wins after adopting his new strategy of "Get punched in the head by Mr. T seven hundred times to psych out Mr. T." This strategy somehow works, and Rocky is once again the heavyweight champion of the world! It's a real strategy used by real boxers. (Also in Real Steel)
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May 1, 2013 10:32
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Senerio posted:(Also in Real Steel) Hey don't start hating on Real Steel I may need to get mad about about robot boxing also hugh jackman Monathin fucked around with this message at 12:57 on May 1, 2013 |
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May 1, 2013 12:48
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Monathin posted:Hey don't start hating on Real Steel I may need to get mad about about robot boxing also hugh jackman I loved Real Steel. I was just saying at the end that ATOM was using Rope-a-dope against Zeus.
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May 1, 2013 13:00
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