shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: Don't keep talking to me in that fancy cashier talk lady!

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Das Boo: Jun 9, 2011; There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.

I like the idea that someone thinks doctors are willing to kill healthy people for organs and that because you're a blood relative, all your organs are auto matches.
As someone whose nephew is waiting on a new heart, I take particular offense to that one.

# ? May 5, 2013 19:12

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# ? Jun 8, 2024 18:18

CJacobs: Apr 17, 2011; Reach for the moon!

Well, it all worked out for Will Smith so obviously that means it'd work out in real life. v :shobon:

# ? May 5, 2013 19:17

GAINING WEIGHT...: Mar 26, 2007; See? Science proves the ~~Jews~~Muslims are inferior and must be purged! I'm not a racist, honest!

"ma'am your son has a bad heart"
"What, like he has cardiac arythmia or like, there's a hole in it, or what?"
"Nah, it's just like, lovely"

# ? May 5, 2013 19:27

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

CJacobs posted:

That is exactly what happens in the Will Smith movie Seven Pounds. gently caress you, Facebook chain-post-maker.

Except he kills himself at the end to do it. He doesn't just go to the hospital and say "Hey, take my organs."

# ? May 5, 2013 19:35

CJacobs: Apr 17, 2011; Reach for the moon!

muscles like this? posted:

Except he kills himself at the end to do it. He doesn't just go to the hospital and say "Hey, take my organs."

Yes, I know that, I saw the movie. It didn't very make sense the way he did it either.

# ? May 5, 2013 19:36

Celery Face: Feb 18, 2012

muscles like this? posted:

Except he kills himself at the end to do it. He doesn't just go to the hospital and say "Hey, take my organs."

He also kills himself with a goddamn box jellyfish, which would make his organs useless for donating but no, he had to pick the most painful death he could think of. Whoever was behind that screenplay was a loving idiot. Also, you can't choose who your organs go to.

Celery Face has a new favorite as of 19:41 on May 5, 2013

# ? May 5, 2013 19:38

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

GAINING WEIGHT... posted:

"ma'am your son has a bad heart"
"What, like he has cardiac arythmia or like, there's a hole in it, or what?"
"Nah, it's just like, lovely"

Uncut video of the transplant available here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjEAjvuLv00

# ? May 5, 2013 19:45

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Das Boo posted:

I like the idea that someone thinks doctors are willing to kill healthy people for organs and that because you're a blood relative, all your organs are auto matches.
As someone whose nephew is waiting on a new heart, I take particular offense to that one.

Why? Did they already offer to kill you and take your heart?

# ? May 5, 2013 20:49

Shorter Than Some: May 6, 2009

If I don't get a vital internal organ for my birthday from each and every member of my immediate family I swear to god I am going to freak out NAR style.

# ? May 5, 2013 22:32

Palisader: Mar 14, 2012; DESPAIR MORTALS, FOR I WISH TO PLAY PATTY-CAKE

oldpainless posted:

I'm sure the one-liner didn't happen but I assumed the author was a guy based on physical description. Where does it say the author is a woman?

Sorry, I didn't set it up well. She's a former co-worker of mine.

# ? May 6, 2013 00:59

sexpig by night: Sep 8, 2011; by Azathoth

GAINING WEIGHT... posted:

"ma'am your son has a bad heart"
"What, like he has cardiac arythmia or like, there's a hole in it, or what?"
"Nah, it's just like, lovely"

"Welp get the surgical shotgun and give me a slug in the brain and let's get this transplant over with."

# ? May 6, 2013 04:10

Zelder: Jan 4, 2012

Palisader posted:

Sorry, I didn't set it up well. She's a former co-worker of mine.

Did...did someone add boobs to your avatar?

# ? May 6, 2013 04:14

Palisader: Mar 14, 2012; DESPAIR MORTALS, FOR I WISH TO PLAY PATTY-CAKE

Zelder posted:

Did...did someone add boobs to your avatar?

They've always been there :ssh:

It's Bernard Black with breasts. Trust me that you're better off not knowing after that.

# ? May 6, 2013 05:04

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Palisader posted:

They've always been there It's Bernard Black with breasts.

god why does this turn me on

# ? May 6, 2013 06:34

axolotl farmer: May 17, 2007; Now I'm going to sing the Perry Mason theme

Das Boo posted:

I like the idea that someone thinks doctors are willing to kill healthy people for organs and that because you're a blood relative, all your organs are auto matches.
As someone whose nephew is waiting on a new heart, I take particular offense to that one.

I have seen people in GBS argue that you should never sign up to be an organ donor, because if you have an accident doctors will not as hard to save your life since you're useful as spare parts if you die.

# ? May 6, 2013 09:38

Barack HUSSEIN: Mar 20, 2003; Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it

I guess every superhero need his theme music

axolotl farmer posted:

I have seen people in GBS argue that you should never sign up to be an organ donor, because if you have an accident doctors will not as hard to save your life since you're useful as spare parts if you die.

Thanks a lot, Obamacare.

# ? May 6, 2013 10:13

Marley Wants More: Oct 22, 2005; woof

axolotl farmer posted:

I have seen people in GBS argue that you should never sign up to be an organ donor, because if you have an accident doctors will not as hard to save your life since you're useful as spare parts if you die.

But then the purpose in letting you die is to save a life. Doesn't really make sense. Unless saving a life by way of organ transplant is more fun than saving a life that just needs intubation or fluids or something. I suppose a doctor's life might get boring and moving kidneys around could spice it up a little bit.

# ? May 6, 2013 12:21

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

Djeser posted:

But seriously while it has its legitimate uses, it's used mainly for:
4. maybe legitimate uses?

Many armed forces use them (not called IQ tests obviously) to help figure out who's suitable for what. Of course they don't work as some magical standalone test for smarts but it's a start.

# ? May 6, 2013 12:26

Enilev: Jun 11, 2001; Domesticated

quote:

Trust Your Instincts 2013-05-06
by snoofle

I'm not looking for a new job, but a head-hunter called (from a five year old resume) with a position that sounded pin point perfect. Since there is nothing going on at work, I thought I'd check it out.

At the interview, I met some mid and senior level developers, and the team lead. They asked the usual technical, problem solving and how-would-you-x type of questions. I answered fairly well, and established a decent rapport while trading war stories. They seemed to feel the same way, as they grabbed the manager to chat with me afterward.

I spent about 30 minutes answering higher level architectural, support and management type questions. Then he asked me something for which I was completely unprepared.

"Do you ever read The Daily What-the-F***?"

"Um, sure; I read it often! Why?" (my fault for asking)

"Have you ever read any articles by 'snoofle'?" (uh oh; where is this going?)

"As a matter of fact, I have; why do you ask?" (again my fault, I was flustered)

"What do you think of the way he seems to deal with incompetent co-workers and management?"

(How to proceed?)

"I think he accepts that IT is there to support the business, and that you can't always do things the 'right' way; but it's important to ensure people understand the cost of running up a technical debt. Then try to gently nudge them in the right direction. What do YOU think of him?"

He generally agreed. I sensed an opportunity: "What would you do if snoofle walked in here, sat down in this chair, handed you a resume and asked to be considered for this position?"

"I'd hire him outright!"

"Without tech'ing him out?"

"Yes; I know the type from his writings."

"What if he and I were both sitting here?"

"I'd probably go with snoofle..."

"(With a smile) Even though your team has already decided I'm a keeper?"

"I think so, but you're here and he isn't..."

I asked if I could use his PC to show him something, opened up a browser, went to TDWTF, logged in as snoofle and showed him. After a moment, his eyes bugged out...

Shortly after the interview ended, I got a call from the agent: "Congratulations; you got the job!"

That night, something about the manager's willingness to blindly hire an unknown entity started to bug me. I don't know why; it just did. The next day, I begged off and declined the position.

Naturally, the agent gave me the hard sell, but then I got a call from the hiring manager...

"Why did you turn us down?"

I explained my uneasiness with his willingness regarding an unknown entity, and politely thanked him for his time and consideration.

After some futile pressure on his part, he continued (hesitatingly): "You know, I can tell folks your real name..."

To myself: What the... did he just threaten me?

I told him there was nothing I could do to stop him, but if he did, then I'd be completely justified in posting all over the Internet about his threat - identifying him by company, department and full name. Then I advised him to let it go. Then I hung up.

Interviewing is something of a soft scientific/artsy kind of process, but when all is said and done, trust your instincts.

(from the daily wtf)

"I'm so internet famous that they offered me a job on the spot!" And I like how he spent time interviewing with the team, and another half hour with the manager that offered the job, but then turned the job because he thought they were too willing to hire an unknown quantity.

Is eyes bugging out on the bingo?

Enilev has a new favorite as of 13:57 on May 6, 2013

# ? May 6, 2013 13:48

The Duke of Ben: Jul 12, 2005; Listen, if you're not going to tell me how the entire world economic, political, and social order can be completely replaced in every detail, then I think maybe you should consider that this is the best of all possible worlds.

Check and mate.

Enilev posted:

(from the daily wtf)

"I'm so internet famous that they offered me a job on the spot!" And I like how he spent time interviewing with the team, and another half hour with the manager that offered the job, but then turned the job because he thought they were too willing to hire an unknown quantity.

Organization okay.
Pay as required.
Gets along well with potential co-workers.
Agrees on management style and strategic purpose of IT.
Discussed why they agree on the above.

Oh no, they would hire someone that they have read extensively to do a job in the field that person writes about, better turn that terrible job down.

Is dailyWTF popular enough that this even makes sense? It seems super nerdy to me, similar to an interviewer asking "Are there stairs in your house?" during an interview.

# ? May 6, 2013 15:13

Hughlander: May 11, 2005

The Duke of Ben posted:

Is dailyWTF popular enough that this even makes sense? It seems super nerdy to me, similar to an interviewer asking "Are there stairs in your house?" during an interview.

I read it daily with my morning coffee. I couldn't tell you the name of a single poster. Not even the guy running the site.

# ? May 6, 2013 15:27

oldpainless: Oct 30, 2009; This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS 👥 - It's for your phone📲^TM� #ad📢

"This resume certainly speaks well of your qualifications. It certainly isn't.....SOMETHING AWFUL!"

(eyeballs spin crazily in their sockets before settling on you)

# ? May 6, 2013 15:27

pathetic little tramp: Dec 12, 2005; by Hillary Clinton's assassins; Fallen Rib

Enilev posted:

(from the daily wtf)

"I'm so internet famous that they offered me a job on the spot!" And I like how he spent time interviewing with the team, and another half hour with the manager that offered the job, but then turned the job because he thought they were too willing to hire an unknown quantity.

Is eyes bugging out on the bingo?

Interviewer: Have you ever followed @fart on Twitter?

Me: Logs in to Twitter. "Sir, I AM @fart"

Interviewer: *runs from the room, other interviewer offers me his job and blows me*

# ? May 6, 2013 15:34

Das Boo: Jun 9, 2011; There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.

pathetic little tramp posted:

Interviewer: Have you ever followed @fart on Twitter?

Me: Logs in to Twitter. "Sir, I AM @fart"

Interviewer: *runs from the room, other interviewer offers me his job and blows me*

He proposed then and there! But at our wedding, his mother called me a shameless jezebel at the altar. But without missing a beat, I bon motted her into oblivion and she left the event in a huff! Everyone applauded as my hubby and I kissed and all of the bride's maids threw me their panties with their phone numbers scrawled across the crotches!

It's like Mad Libs, only the sentences are already completely written out for you.

# ? May 6, 2013 17:55

Mogambo: Jan 6, 2011; This has been a public service announcement to put me on ignore.

"Have you ever heard of Adolph Hitler?"

"Umm...I suppose so. Why?"

*Interviewer holds up mirror, I scream in horror at what I see*

(They still offered me the job though, heh.)

# ? May 6, 2013 17:59

sharktamer: Oct 30, 2011; Shark tamer ridiculous

Daily wtf stories always border on the unbelievable, but the above was just all kinds of ridiculous and pathetic. What was the follow up question if his reply was "No"? Would he have been rejected based on his internet browsing preferences?

# ? May 6, 2013 18:29

General Panic: Jan 28, 2012; AN ERORIST AGENT

Mogambo posted:

"Have you ever heard of Adolph Hitler?"

"Umm...I suppose so. Why?"

*Interviewer holds up mirror, I scream in horror at what I see*

(They still offered me the job though, heh.)

This was probably actually an entry in The Hitler Diaries .

# ? May 6, 2013 18:43

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

Maybe there's something I don't understand about that field but if this guy is so particular about work that he won't work with a company that would hire an "unknown entity", why even go in for the interview when they are hiring from a five year old application? Doesn't that say more about the company than a willingness to hire a guy without "tech'ing him out"?

Also, I wish that more people would make this kind of poo poo up and it would trickle down to NAR and people would start posting stuff like "The interviewer asked me if I ever read livejournal and if I had ever heard of a user named SSJNaruto. I asked what they would do if SSJNaruto came in here right now and handed him a resume..."

# ? May 6, 2013 19:13

Zulily Zoetrope: Jun 1, 2011; Muldoon

jodai posted:

"The interviewer asked me if I ever read livejournal and if I had ever heard of a user named SSJNaruto. I asked what they would do if SSJNaruto came in here right now and handed him a resume..."

I don't see how this is in any way different from the stdh I just read.

# ? May 6, 2013 20:39

GWBBQ: Jan 2, 2005

axolotl farmer posted:

I have seen people in GBS argue that you should never sign up to be an organ donor, because if you have an accident doctors will not as hard to save your life since you're useful as spare parts if you die.

"No, with my last ounce of strength I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have sticky fingers."

I've heard people make this claime. Maybe next time I come across one I'll ask if they donate blood or are on the bone marrow registry, and everyone will applaud, and one of the people who overhears me is a paramedic who debates conspiracy theorists in her free time, and now we're married.

Actually, now that I write it out, it sounds more like an XKCD comic than STDH.

# ? May 6, 2013 21:06

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

GWBBQ posted:

Actually, now that I write it out, it sounds more like an XKCD comic than STDH.

It's a very thin line, I can see where someone could get confused.

# ? May 6, 2013 21:08

Mister Roboto: Jun 15, 2009; I SWING BY AUNT MAY's
FOR A SHOWER AND A
BITE, MOST NATURAL
THING IN THE WORLD,
ASSUMING SHE'S
NOT HOME...

...AND I
FIND HER IN BED
WITH MY
FATHER, AND THE
TWO OF THEM
ARE...ARE...

...AAAAAAAAUUUUGH!

oldpainless posted:

"This resume certainly speaks well of your qualifications. It certainly isn't.....SOMETHING AWFUL!"

(eyeballs spin crazily in their sockets before settling on you)

If I were an interviewer and the applicant made a reference to SA at any point I would call security.

# ? May 7, 2013 00:14

Lap-Lem: Oct 21, 2005; Lap-Lem the Village Tard

jodai posted:

Maybe there's something I don't understand about that field but if this guy is so particular about work that he won't work with a company that would hire an "unknown entity", why even go in for the interview when they are hiring from a five year old application? Doesn't that say more about the company than a willingness to hire a guy without "tech'ing him out"?

He said the initial call was from a headhunter. From my experience Headhunters collect resumes from people who don't have enough experience in the field and then call them 5-10 years later hoping they have been working in said field. I got nailed hard by headhunters about 5 years after my last job search, but I was very happy in my position. The Headhunter will either get an updated resume from you or update it with present employment themselves.

The headhunters calling on a 5 year old resume is one of the only parts of that story I DO believe. One I will never believe is that a manager said "gently caress". You will never convince me in a thousand years that in an interview a manager is going to open the can of worms dropping the f-bomb is going to open.

Interviewer : Hey do you read gently caress You Magazine.
Interviewee : I'm calling HR.
HR Guy : No need, we sit in on the teleconference. Manager dude we need to talk.
Interviewer : poo poo piss gently caress-rear end
everyone claps, crazy hobo boss is the best!

# ? May 7, 2013 01:09

DoctorStrangelove: Jun 7, 2012; IT WOULD NOT BE DIFFICULT MEIN FUHRER!

So a few months ago in this thread there was a goon who made the most stdh story imaginable, the climax of which was the protagonist winning a 1v12 dodgeball fight against bullies whilst wearing his Naruto headband, complete with a "that kid... is inhuman!" The intention was to post it on reddit but I don't think that ever played out.

Does anyone have a link it it?

# ? May 7, 2013 01:22

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Here ya go:

Boofchicken posted:

When I was in high school, we had those long days with like seven different classes. I liked it a lot because I was a great student. Hard to imagine I managed a solid C average while still getting to my Kenjutsu and Karate classes. While I was going there, a kid named Brock was always picking on me. I know, you would think having a name based off my favorite character from Pokemon would be nicer, but he wasn't. I usually managed to avoid him and he never really managed to hit me(due to my reflexes), but he was still a nuisance.

So on a typical day like any other, I was starting off our first class. As luck would have it, he was in all of my classes. But luck DID'NT have it store for him that day. His girlfriend was in the class too. She had been friends with me for awhile, but after seeing how in love she was with Brock, I couldn't take talking to that stuck up bitch anymore. Her name was Carly but I called her gnarly, because she had some light blond hair on her arms, which made her instantly disgusting. Plus she could lose about three pounds. First period was Biology and I had to be partners with her. We had to take swabs from the insides of our partners mouth and look at it under a microscope. She asked how my day was and I just mumbled something about justice. She looked at my weird, but decided to get on with the project. As I looked at her swab, I noticed what looked to be...sperm cells. What a slut she was, giving blow jobs to her long term boyfriend. It could have been my sperm if she wasn't such a bitch. I kept this secret knowledge to myself and finished the project.

As luck would have it, the days lesson turned to health, and sex! My favorite subject. I know once I finally do the sex, I will be great, since I have seen a ton of anime where they do it and once I even stayed up late to watch the awesome sci fi movie Species, so if it is anything like that, I am prepared. The teacher started to talk about sperm(if only she knew!) and how it is comprised mostly of sugar. My lab partner then asked why it tastes so salty. Seeing a perfect chance to show her how smart I was, I belted out this great fact "Because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue, not the back of the throat!" She looked at me then ran out of the room while the rest of the class laughed. I smugly sat back in my chair while her boyfriend looked at me with seething rage. "I'll see you later twerp!" I wasn't worried, if he only knew my true power he would never say that to me. One day I will show him.

In gym class, everything came to a head. As I was changing, Brock came over to shove me. Seeing his reflection in the lockers, I deftly moved to the side and he tripped, banging his head into the locker. Laughing derisively, I said better luck next time, ROCK. Everyone in the locker room laughed and one guy even patted me on the shoulder. He glared at me and said "Just you wait." I finished changing and put on my official Naruto headband. Today we were playing dodgeball and I planned to win.

To say that I could dodge balls is an understatement. Due to my intense training with my sensei, I have keen senses and an uncanny ability to detect my surroundings. My team mates were not so fortunate. Eventually, it was down to me. The other team had Brock and his three buddies. Each one had a ball while I had none, plus all of the balls were on their side of the court. If only they knew what was coming.

Brock looked at me and said "This time your mine". I stood there calmly and looked him dead in the eye and said "Let's dance."

They started throwing balls and I dodged them with the grace of a samurai warrior. Each one that came my way missed me by a hair. The room was quiet and you could hear someone in the background say "That kid isn't human."

After the barrage that didn't even hit me, I grabbed one of the balls, took off my headband and said "Now it's my turn."

The first one I threw hit one of them so hard he had to crawl away. I doubt he will be walking anytime soon. The second one gave another a black eye. Two left and I only had one ball. I had to make it count. Then they lined up perfectly and I knew what I had to do. I took aim and fired. The first one hit brock in his mouth, knocking him to the floor, where it bounced off and hit the other in the back of the head. It was over and everyone was silent. You could see Brock spitting teeth out of his mouth. Then the whole class erupted in applause and it was deafening.

What I hadn't noticed was that once the match got intense, kids started going around to grab other kids. There was half the school in the gym and they were going nuts for me. They came over to pick me up and put me on their shoulders. One of them handed me Brock's tooth as a trophy and I kept it. I could hear my name being shouted over the roar of the crowd and then I saw her. Carly had been watching the whole time. They dropped me down right beside her and she told me she saw everything. She said she was sorry for how she treated me all these years. All I did was pull her down to my eye level (I'm only 5'4, but very solidly built) and kissed her. Then we held hands and walked out as the crowd parted. Like a slow but steady avalanche, the clapping started. First one, then another. Soon, everyone was clapping and we ran through the crowd smiling at each other. With the applause following us, we ran out the doors. I would never be alone again!

e: And the original THAT KID...IS INHUMAN:

Troper Tales posted:

This troper took a few levels when, after years of being a Woobie so pitiful Shinji would say what the heck is wrong with you, I had enough of a girl I liked always going for this tall, blond guy. When they were talking right in front of me in the street and holding arms and talking and all that, I said, "Shut. The. Hell. Up." The boy looks around and walks over, trying to look menacing. Martial arts studies come in. I take a punch to the forehead and then slide under and punch him in the stomach, he goes backwards and I land another one to his face. I then go berserk and full body tackle him. He managed to crawl away, and say, "That kid...is inhuman!"

hyperhazard has a new favorite as of 01:41 on May 7, 2013

# ? May 7, 2013 01:32

Hughlander: May 11, 2005

poo poo that may have happened?

NAW of course posted:

Me: �Hi, I�d like the eggplant parmesan sandwich, please.�

Employee: �We outta eggs.�

Me: �Oh, no, not egg; I�d like the EGGPLANT sandwich.�

Employee: �WE OUTTA EGGS.�

Me: �But� eggs and eggplant are two different things. Eggplant is a big purple vegetable.�

(The employee shrugs at me, and then turns to his manager.)

Employee: �Hey, we got any eggplant?�

Manager: �Nah, we outta eggs.�

The NAR version: I tried to explain to this idiot 5 times that Eggplant parmesan uses eggs in the batter but the fuckhead just didn't get it and kept saying eggplants and eggs weren't the same thing!

# ? May 7, 2013 01:48

Mr. Anderson: Jan 28, 2009

Imgur has been running a lot of these recently:

# ? May 7, 2013 01:48

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

Lap-Lem posted:

One I will never believe is that a manager said "gently caress". You will never convince me in a thousand years that in an interview a manager is going to open the can of worms dropping the f-bomb is going to open.

I have had at least two interviews where the hiring person said gently caress, and one where they said oval office. The second dude was a lawyer. It happens, not everyone has an HR department and some people want to expose you to the kind of language they use on the job.

# ? May 7, 2013 02:21

GWBBQ: Jan 2, 2005

Hughlander posted:

poo poo that may have happened?

The NAR version: I tried to explain to this idiot 5 times that Eggplant parmesan uses eggs in the batter but the fuckhead just didn't get it and kept saying eggplants and eggs weren't the same thing!

I want to see a sketch comedy competition where improv actors are randomly assigned to groups of 3 and given 15 minutes to throw costumes together and build a short performance of this script.

# ? May 7, 2013 02:29

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# ? Jun 8, 2024 18:18

Djeser: Mar 22, 2013; it's crow time again

NAR never disappoints

quote:

(My girlfriend and I are at a friends shop looking for new training pads for her. She is a 5′ tall blond, who weighs 95 lbs. I am 6�1″ and 175 lbs, and the owner is about 6�4″ and 200 lbs. All of us have done different forms of martial arts for over 20 combined years. I am making small talk with the owner by the register, while my girlfriend is looking at more pads.)

Customer: �Hey, where are your training pads?�

Owner: �Just past the speed bags, on the right.�

(About a minute later, we hear a small crash, followed by arguing. We rush over to find the man trying to grab the pads from my girlfriend.)

Customer: �You stupid b****; give me those!�

(He finally manages to pull them out of her hand.)

Girlfriend: �H*** no, I got them first; give them back!�

Customer: �You don�t even need them. I have a fight in two weeks!�

Girlfriend: �Then you should have thought about that sooner!�

(The customer finally notices us; he turns to the owner.)

Customer: �Hey, I need to pay for these pads.�

Owner: �No, she had them first. You need to give them back to her.�

Customer: �No, she is just a dumb b**** who need to learn her place. Get me your manager.�

Owner: �I am the owner here, and I�m going to insist you give the pads back to the young lady and leave.�

Customer: �I need these pads! Who�s going to make me?�

(My girlfriend is fuming, and it is pretty obvious. I cut in.)

Me: �Just give her the pads back, man.�

Customer: �What are you going to do?�

Me: �Nothing, but she will.�

(I point to my girlfriend; the customer laughs.)

Customer: �That puny b**** couldn�t if she wanted to!�

Girlfriend: �Just give them back you a**-hole!

Customer: �You going to make me?�

(My girlfriend kicks the man�s legs out from under him, grabs his arm, and puts it in a hold.)

Customer: �Ow! You stupid b****; let go of me!�

(She holds him down for a few minutes, until he starts to calm down.)

Girlfriend: �Now, are you going to shut up?�

Customer: *meekly* ��yes.�

(She lets the man up, and he scampers out. My girlfriend then turns to the owner, and talks like nothing happened.)

Girlfriend: �Okay, I think I�m all ready.�

(Two weeks later, my gym had an exhibition with another gym. Guess who was my opponent?)

The only part of it that makes it slightly plausible is that these people who are all black belts are in a 'martial arts store' according to the header. That story has the secret martial arts, the 'I'm not going to stop you but she will' lines, the badass significant other, the inexplicably sexist AND inexplicably greedy antagonist, and 'two weeks later'.

quote:

(I�m working the evening shift. The head waiter in another section of the restaurant tells me there�s a problem with some customer harassing the waitresses. I offer to switch places. The offending customer is quickly spotted; he is busy groping a waitress as I walk in.)

Me: �Sir, I�m gonna have to ask that you stop doing that. We�re trying to work here.�

(The customer grumbles, clearly irritated. I walk off, thinking it�s resolved. Five minutes later, I watch as a waitress comes to the customer�s table to put down some food, and the customer reaches out for the waitress� behind. I jump between them.)

Me: �Sir, I already told you to stop it. You didn�t listen the first time. I�m now going to ask you to leave the restaurant.�

Customer: �I demand to see a manager!�

(I�m just a waiter, but I take a chance.)

Me: �That would be me. Now as I told you, the only solution I see is you leaving the restaurant.�

Customer: �I�m not going anywhere!�

Me: �No, you�re coming with me to the front right now. You�re going to pay for your meal and leave!�

(The customer is still refusing. With the aid of another waiter, we pull the customer out of his seat and bring him to the front, where he finally pays. The rest of his party are horribly embarrassed.)

Manager: �Yeah, I need to see you about something. You pretended to be a manager?�

Me: �I�m sorry, I��

Manager: �I heard the story. That guy got off easy! I�m glad you managed to make him pay for his food!�

Thanks for not coming to get me when someone was sexually assaulting my employees and instead pretending to be a manager! I wish all of my employees pretended to be managers like you. :thumbsup:

# ? May 7, 2013 06:38

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: Don't keep talking to me in that fancy cashier talk lady!

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