Turtlicious posted:

As someone who has lived in Group Homes since a very young age, I too can confirm that staff are ordered under no circumstances to hit clients. You have to be in a special facility with a special license for that.

hollaback grandma posted:

Fathis Munk posted:

I obviously did not mean to hit them. But maybe grapple and restrain them. Even that is not allowed ?

Fathis Munk posted:

From Reddit "What would you do if you knew you could get away with it? Throwaways welcome", talking about rolling bowling balls down steep streets

Fathis Munk posted:

I obviously did not mean to hit them. But maybe grapple and restrain them. Even that is not allowed ?

Fathis Munk posted:

Has anything more cliché ever been written ?

hollaback grandma posted:

Alex posted:

When I was 16, I was backstage at a Warped tour show and I met Liv Tyler. We actually sat down and hung out for like an hour or two, she seemed really cool. She actually told me that she thought I was really cute, and that I was the type of guy that she'd like to date if only I weren't too young for her.

Alex posted:

So this thug walks up to the counter and he's doing this ridiculous walk, like this. [Here, Alex did an impression of heavily pronounced thug-style swagger walk.] And so I asked him, "Are you handicapped?"

Alex posted:

So I asked him, "Are you handicapped?" and he just looked confused and asked me what I was talking about. So I said, "Well, you're walking like a loving retard, so I'm just wondering what's wrong with you."

So the guy got really pissed and said, "Do you want to die? I'll shoot you."

I looked at him dead in the eye and I said, "You want to kill me, come try it. Have you ever tasted six inches of cold, hard steel?" [At this point in the story, Alex brandished his prized pocket knife, which was not six inches long.] The guy thought better of messing with me, and left the store in a huff.

Alex posted:

I'm not afraid of guns or violence, because... I've been trained as a Navy SEAL. I actually almost completed my training, but I broke my leg during an exercise and had to leave the Navy.

Alex posted:

Could you not tell anybody else in the store about that? When I joined the Navy to train to become a SEAL, I knew that my mom would worry about me a lot, so I never told my family what I was doing. Then after I hurt my leg and left the Navy, I decided there was no point in ever telling them about it, so I really don't want you to mention it to my aunt, okay?

JackMackerel posted:

Yeah, at this rate, it's either old folks who don't know better or kids who don't know better, seeing "oh hey brown ppl in loud shirts lol". Granted, I'm in Cali, so even my (fully Filipino) brother gets mistaken for Mexican by younger kids, though I'm pretty sure most of them are joking. He did, after all, attend a high school with literally only five white people in it. He doesn't have obvious Asian features and looks way more Mestizo, but still... well, Filipino.

hollaback grandma posted:

Fathis Munk posted:

From Reddit "What would you do if you knew you could get away with it? Throwaways welcome", talking about rolling bowling balls down steep streets


I'm such a rebel !

change my name posted:

The upper east side & 2nd (so I'm assuming Yorkville) is flat as poo poo.

Khazar-khum posted:

I dunno...I'm in SoCali. Our friend Robert is Chumash. He was out mowing the lawn when a neighbor asked him how much he charged for yard work...in Spanish.

The White Dragon posted:

You know which people call it a "Hawaiian accent" instead of moke or pidgin or local or HCE? White people who immigrated to Hawaii within the past two years

Turtlicious posted:

As someone who has lived in Group Homes since a very young age, I too can confirm that staff are ordered under no circumstances to hit clients. You have to be in a special facility with a special license for that.

skip. posted:

What is this license to hit, and how do I get one?

Mr. Mallory posted:

I know it's been posted multiple times in this thread probably, but does anyone have the goon Regina Spektor story where he banged her and then she wrote Samson about him? It's such a classic.

Romes128 posted:

On Lexington or maybe 3rd around 100th st there's a pretty steep elevation change. It caught me off guard the first time I drove to my friends apartment.

The rest of the story is bullshit though.

quote:

I grew up in a small village and i was raised very religiously, i went to church every sunday. As is grew older i got a minimum wage job at the local pharmacy. It was a boring, low-paying job but i accepted it as it was. As time went by i wanted it to change. I wanted to do something with my life. I started giving every spare cent i had to church and i prayed for it to go better, for three years i did this but nothing happened... Dramatically enough the pharmacy where i worked went bankrupt shortly after. Around that time i discovered reddit, and with it /r/atheism. Reading of all the flaws in christianity combined with god not answering my prayers i stopped attending church. It was weird, but nothing bad happened and i started saving up more and more money because i didnt give anything to church. With this money i rented a small flat in a big town where i started searching for a job. After a week i got a job at an IT company with a pretty decent salary. It has been going well for about two years now, i live in a decent house with my girlfriend and i want to propose to her soon.
I just wanted to thank the people of /r/atheism for giving me the last push to let loose of god and church. My life has become way better after that.
Amen. -Jonathan.
Edit: spelling, i am dutch so im not the best at english.

quote:

I went to high school in Georgia, and my biology teacher literally said "The state mandates that I have to teach you guys evolution, but let me tell you what really happened..." retrieved her family bible from the stand she had for it on her desk, and began "In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth..."
This was high-school biology. We literally spent a week learning about Creationism. Not 'Intelligent Design' even, outright Creationism. Said biology teacher was also head of the Bible Club and humped the hell out of it in almost every class. Did she give the kids that were in bible club preferential treatment in class? You bet your rear end!
God, I think of all the things I could have learned had I not been stuck in a High School in loving Georgia. I transferred there from Philadelphia and was over a year ahead of all of my classmates in every core subject. I was in pre-algebra and the 'advanced' math class I was in was learning how to reduce loving fractions.
Thanks, Army, for stationing my step-dad at loving Ft. Benning.

quote:

This happened to me when I was in a middle school in Michigan too. Though I didn't outright ask, "why aren't you covering evolution?" I asked what it was because we were covering dinosaurs or something in our generic "science" class and I stumbled across it while reading. The guy got this terrified look on his face and gave me a quick, "oh, we don't talk about that here." explanation, stared at me hard for a good two or three seconds to make sure I didn't press him further, then continued on like nothing had happened.
Through the entirety of K-12, going to five or six different schools in different parts of the country, none of them covered the subject in any detail. Only one even gave a basic overview. Though that might just be more of an indicator of the lovely state of schools in general rather than teachers not being willing to cover it.

quote:

(I work at a fast food chain. I have just finished dealing with an absolutely horrendous customer, but I cannot take a break yet. My boss is sympathetic, but a little strict about breaks. I steel myself for the next customer.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “One second, sorry.”

(She is writing something on a slip of paper.)

Customer: “Okay, thanks for waiting. Can I get some sweet tea? Also, that last guy was a jerk. Here!”

(She hands me the piece of paper. It says: ‘notalwaysright.com’.)

Customer: “If you need to feel better, then go here!”

(Thank you so much, miss! I had never heard of this site before today, and I’m so glad you were kind to me!)

nar posted:

(My friend and I head to a coffee shop. When we get there, there’s a customer screaming at the barista.)

Customer: “You useless little s***! How hard is it to make a d*** drink? I’m going to ring your manager; I’m going to complain to head office…”

(He continues making threats. The poor girl behind the counter is pretty much in tears. My friend’s patience runs out.)

My Friend: “Oi, mate! I don’t know what’s going on here, but screaming isn’t helping things.”

Customer: “Mind your own business, b****!

My Friend: “What did you call me?”

(The customer turns back around to my friend. The customer is a pretty big guy, six foot, and fairly wide. My friend is five four, female, and fairly unimposing. He squares up to her.)

Customer: “I called you a b**** who should learn to mind her own business. Now p*** off!”

(The customer shoves her.)

My Friend: “Don’t touch me.”

Customer: “Or what?”

(The customer goes to shove her again. My friend grabs his arm, turning with it, and throws him to the ground hard enough to wind him. She puts her foot over his crotch.)

My Friend: “Or you learn I have a black belt in judo. Apologize to the nice lady now.”

(The customer apologizes, but the police are still called. My friend and I get a free lunch!)

nar posted:

(Three men walk in at the same time to the adult bookstore where I work. Customer #1 heads straight for the lesbian porn. Customers #2 and #3 are regulars, and they are a couple. They have specially ordered certain items, and are there to pick them up.)

Me: “Hey, guys! I have your order in the back. Let me go get it!”

(I disappear, but as I’m picking up their box of items, I hear shouting. I rush out front.)

Customer #1: “Homosexuality is a sin! Read the f****** Bible!”

Customer #2: “Sir, you’re yelling at us in a porn store, while holding a DVD of lesbian porn. You are just a hypocrite, and I don’t need to listen to you.”

(Customer #2 grabs Customer #3′s hand, and they continue to walk around the store. Customer #1 turns red, but comes to me to check out.)

Customer #1: “Can you f******* believe those f***?”

Me: “I can, and you know what? I love them, and accept them for who they are. As for you, I don’t accept your hatred. Get the h*** out of my store.”

(I take the DVD, put it into the return to shelf bin, and wait for him to leave. He starts screaming.)

Customer #1: “I’m going to put you in your proper place as a woman!”

(Customer #2 and #3 come over.)

Customer #3: “She told you to leave. Either you leave on your own, or we’ll help you.”

(Customer #1 turns pale, and runs out of the store.)

Customer #1: “The f*** are gonna get me!”

(I turn to the two regulars.)

Me: “Would you like a free DVD?”

Djeser posted:

quote:

Customer #2: “Sir, you’re yelling at us in a porn store, while holding a DVD of lesbian porn. You are just a hypocrite, and I don’t need to listen to you.”

sweeperbravo posted:

I figured out what the general STDH writing style reminds me of. It's like a blend of formulaic sitcom structure and that weird stilted really proper writing that Victorian writers tended to use.

sweeperbravo posted:

I figured out what the general STDH writing style reminds me of. It's like a blend of formulaic sitcom structure and that weird stilted really proper writing that Victorian writers tended to use.

Tatum Girlparts posted:

"I'm going to put you in your place as a woman" is sure a line.

jalopybrown posted:

It sounds like something a rapist would say, I sure hope that wasn't the intention.

quote:

Regular: “Is [coworker] here?”

Me: “No, is there something I can do for you?”

Regular: “Oh, I was just here yesterday and I was chatting with [coworker], and didn’t pay for my espresso. I’d like to pay for it now.”

(I look at him in shock.)

Regular: “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Me: “Because most people aren’t that honest.”

Regular: “Well, they should be; what’s so difficult about it?”

Me: “Nothing, but it’s unusual. Would you like your usual along with it?”

Regular: “Yes, please, but make sure you charge me for yesterday’s as well.”

(The girl I am working with and I are just awestruck. It puts us in a good mood for the rest of the day.)

quote:

(I work at a clothing department store. We don’t offer a discount to our military, but we do have deals going on all the time. I overhear a customer speaking as if he has a military background. He eventually comes up to the counter.)

Me: “Hi, I couldn’t help but overhear, but what branch are you?”

Military Customer: “Oh, I am in [legitimate military branch]. I did a tour of Iraq for a while.”

Me: “In that case, I can see that you forgot your coupon! That’s not a problem; we’ll take 30% off for you!”

(The next customer behind him starts yelling.)

Next Customer: “I don’t have my 50% coupon!”

(I ignore her, and finished the soldier’s purchases.)

Next Customer: “I deserve my 50% off!”

Me: “Ma’am, our store has never had a coupon that goes over 30%.”

(The next customer begins to yell.)

Next Customer: “You gave that discount to him! Why can’t I get the discount?”

(The military customer calmly walks over, and takes off his left arm. The next customer’s eyes get really large.)

Military Customer: “Don’t worry, the 50% discount only costs an arm and a leg; give or take a bit.”

(The next customer flees without buying anything. Thank you to all of our military, and especially the ones with great humor!)

quote:

From not alwaysright

(I am out to eat with a friend, and we are waiting for our table. There is an older Spanish-speaking couple nearby also waiting, and two boys of about high-school age. I don’t speak Spanish, but I picked up a handful of words from an old job.)

Spanish-Speaking Woman: *asks me a question in Spanish*

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I only know a few words in Spanish. What was that?”

Spanish-Speaking Woman: *smiles, and repeats herself*

(I realize she needs to know where the bathroom is.)

Me: “Oh! See the stairs? Go to the hallway next to the stairs; it’s right there.”

(She thanks me, and hurries off to the bathroom. The high school boys make faces at me, and chime in.)

Boy #1 (Excessively rude person, Racist/Sexist Antagonist): “drat, b****, why are you helping them? You should’ve made them ask in English first!” Fluent in the same language, thought that point is kinda moot here

Me: “I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”

Boy #2: “Hey! You show me and my friend some respect, old lady! Do you know who we are?”

Me: “I don’t care who you are, my dear child. Why don’t you go bother somebody else?”

Boy #1: “Oh, hell naw! You ain’t talkin’ to me like that! You show me some respect, right now!” You can't talk to me that way/How dare you

(He stamps his foot. My friend and I burst out laughing.)

Me: “Oh, this is going to be an entertaining evening.” One-liner

Boy #1: “You ain’t allowed to laugh at me; I’m a man!” But you're a girl

Me: “No, dear. What you are is a minor child throwing a temper tantrum because you happen to be a racist. Now, shoo, adults are talking.”

Boy #2: “Naw! All you gotta do is show them d*** immigrants who’s boss! They gotta speak our language if they want to be here! I went to Mexico and none of them f****** spoke English! Ain’t got no respect!”

Me: “You do realize that Mexico is a different country, don’t you?”

Boy #2: “Duh!”

Me: “And their official language is Spanish.”

Boy #2: “So?”

Me: “So… you think that people who move here should have to speak English because most people here do, in some form or another. But when you visit other countries, where official language is not English, they should have to learn to make your life easier?”

Boy #2: “Yes!”

Me: “I… have a headache.” One-liner

(The older Spanish-speaking couple are seated a few tables away from us. The teens are there to apply for jobs, but because they’d put on their little display in full view of the hostess, (Manager gets involved?) they were not-so-kindly shown the door.(Unprofessional conduct ?))

Fathis Munk posted:

From the PYF Meme thread, shit_that_just_keeps_happening.jpg

GWBBQ posted:

It's just like a Chick Tract!

quote:

So there's this wretched woman who owned a boutique next door from the restaurant where I work. One day she came into the pub and was her usual bitchy, entitled self. She ordered a club sandwich with extra extra extra crispy bacon and a extra spicy Bloody Mary, since apparently her taste buds stopped working years ago... I go to the bar to get her Bloody Mary, I douse the ice in Tabasco sauce and fill it up with vodka and our already spicy Bloody Mary mix. Then I add a bit more Tabasco sauce just for myself, around a full ounce of Tabasco in a 10 oz glass. To my surprise, she loved it! Ugh...
It came time to send the sandwich order to the kitchen. I put her order in and added a custom modifier to the ticket. In my frustration I wrote. "Set the bacon on fire and put the ashes on the sandwich."
When her order was almost ready the cook asked me if I was serious about it. I replied, "well, she ordered a club with extra extra extra crispy bacon."
He held up a spatula with 3 slivers of black, burnt meat that hardly looked like bacon at all. I chuckled thinking he had pulled a joke on me. At this point I was like, "gently caress it! That's what she asked for!"
He finished preparing the club, I brought it out to her ready and willing to take it back and have a new one made. She ate 3/4 the club and took the rest home, said it was the best time she'd been there... Tried as hard as I could to be an rear end in a top hat and it didn't work...

kinmik posted:

For all that imgurians like to pride themselves on being an anti-bullying, all-accepting internet hugbox, they're as sycophantic and unbearable as the rest of us. This story on the front page is plausible at best.

booshi posted:

"My friends and I were playing our variation of 'penis!', seeing who could say 'dildo' louder without getting in trouble. At one point someone chuckled. Then the teacher told us to be quiet."

quote:

Those Who Don’t Read, Can’t Read The Signs
RESTAURANT | ENGLAND | AT THE CHECKOUT, BIGOTRY, LOVE/ROMANCE, THEMED GIVEAWAY, TOP
(I am female. After leaving university, I have to cut my dreadlocks out to help me get a job. My hair is very short. My boyfriend and I enter a sandwich shop with our three-month-old son. They sit down while I go up to order, but there’s a bit of a queue. Two girls, also with very short hair, come in looking visibly upset and embarrassed. A few moments later, a group of very over-tanned girls come in, and join the queue. The other two short-haired girls try to avoid eye contact with them. One of the tanned girls approaches me.)

Tanned Girl #1: “Hey you, they fancy you.”

(She gestures over to the short-haired girls.)

Me: “Okay?”

Tanned Girl #2: “Do you fancy them?”

Me: “Well no, I’m straight.”

Tanned Girl #2: “You’re not straight at all!”

Me: “I’m not?”

(I call out to my boyfriend.)

Me: “Hey, when did you become a girl?”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “Well, according to these girls, I’m gay. So you must be a woman, and our son must be an immaculate conception. Either that, or these girls have their heads up their a****.”

(The two shirt-haired girls begin to giggle.)

Tanned Girl #3: “Wait, so you’re straight?”

Me: “What was your first clue?”

Tanned Girl #1: “But you’ve got short hair.”

Me: “Yes I do, which we all know is natural penis repellent.”

(Everyone in the shop is laughing.)

Me: “Now, will you please leave me and these girls alone, and stop being homophobic?”

Tanned Girl #2: “We’re not homophobic!”

Me: “You tried to make fun of me because you thought I was gay. Judging by the looks on their faces when you came in, I’m going to guess you were making fun of these two earlier for the same reason. You tease people because they’re homosexuals, therefore you’re homophobic. Maybe if you pulled your heads out your a**** every once and a while, you could take a look in a dictionary.”

Tanned Girl #2: “Books are for geeks and losers.”

Me: “Wait, so you girls aren’t intellectual readers?”

(Everyone in the shop is now laughing so much, that they’ve stopped serving people in order to calm down. The group of girls run out of the shop with their cheeks the brightest shade of red I have ever seen. The two girls are so happy with what I said to them, that they bought both me and my boyfriend lunch.)

quote:

(My mom and I are flying home to California after staying with friends in Colorado. We have had to get up extremely early, and I have had a stressful week after dealing with a new friend. I should also mention I am a brony, meaning I like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I am wearing a T-Shirt my best friend got me that says Ponyvengers with five ponies dressed up as the Avengers. We are stopping off to get some juice before we get on the plane home.)

Me: “Hi! I’ll have [fruit drink].”

Mom: “And I’ll have… a small [another drink].”

Cashier: “You got it. Your total is [total].”

(After my mom pays, the cashier walks backwards as he goes to make our drinks. My mom isn’t looking up. He motions to his chest and mouths ‘I love your shirt’. I give him a huge grin and thumbs up.)

Mom: *to me* “Oh! I forgot to get water! Can you go get me some?

Me: “Sure.”

(She hands me some money. I grab two water bottles and put them on the counter, in front of the same cashier.)

Cashier: *smiling widely* “It’s on the house.”

Me: “Oh, wow! Thank you!”

(As my mom and I are walking away with our drinks.)

Mom: “He didn’t let you pay for the drinks?”

Me: “Nope!”

Mom: “Why?”

Me: “Because he’s a fellow brony. It’s an automatic bond between us, even though we’ll probably never see each other again. Bronies care about each other, and since we had already paid for our drinks, he didn’t want to make us pay for anything else.”

Mom: *confused* “Oh… seems odd to me.”

Me: “That’s because you’re not part of the herd.”

Fathis Munk posted:

E : Yesssssss :

Fathis Munk posted:

E : Yesssssss :

quote:

(The Electronic Arts class is having a show featuring their final projects — computerized or mechanized sculptures. I’m getting my project installed.)

Classmate: “Hey, can you help me a second? This bulb socket is giving me trouble.”

Me: “Sure.”

(He tries to screw in a replacement light bulb into his project, but it won’t light up.)

Classmate: “That’s weird. It was working a minute ago.”

Other Classmate: “Are you getting power to the socket?”

Classmate: “Let’s find out…”

(He picks up a high-voltage multimeter –— the right tool to measure 120 V –— but puts it down, instead selecting a homebrew circuit another student built to test nine volt batteries.)

Classmate: “This will work, right?”

Everyone: “NO!”

(Before he can put it down, it literally explodes, showering us all with molten plastic and pitting his hands with hot metal.)

Classmate: “What… what the?!”

(The door flies open and a breathless security guard comes flying in, hands up to fight.)

Security: “THE F*** WAS THAT? AIN’T NO ONE SHOOTING UP MY SCHOO— the h*** you doing, crazy boy?”

Classmate: “I… wha…—”

Security: “Someone tell me what the h*** went down here before I start punchin’ people!”

Other Classmate: *looking over at classmate* “Don’t worry, he’s just an idiot.”

Security: “I got that! The h*** he do?”

Other Classmate: “120 V AC across a 9 V circuit.”

Security: “120… you tryin’ to die motherf***er?! Lemme see that!” *snatches tool from classmate*

Classmate: “Uhh… here?”

(Security grabs a bunch of tools from the surrounding area and gets to work.)

Security: “This circuit is just fine! 120 V AC just like you want!” *holds up the bulb* “But this? This s*** ain’t right. This is a f****** fancy bulb for a f****** fancy flashlight. You blew this poor b****** right the h*** up!”

(The security guard jumps on a desk and unscrews a bulb from the ceiling.)

Security: “Now THIS is what you want!”

Classmate: “Uh, isn’t that… hot?”

Security: “Sure it is, but you’re the one whose hands got smoke coming out of them!”

(The security guard looks over at the student’s project and gets it back online in time for the professor to arrive.)

Professor: “That was quite an impressive job. Were you an electrician?”

Security: “No, I lived in Kenya. When I was 14, my house caught fire from faulty wiring and burned down. When I was 18, my house caught fire from faulty wiring and burned down. When I was 22, my house caught fire from faulty wiring and burned down. So finally, I taught myself how to look at wires. When I was 23, a drunk man drove a truck into my house, and it caught fire and burned down. So I gave up and moved to America.”

Professor: “Are you interested in learning any more about electronics?”

Security: *face lights up* “Sure! I love this stuff! You got some books?”

Professor: “Plenty, and you’re welcome to my class. It’s the least I can do for extinguishing my student.”

(Last I heard, the security guard had tested out of all but the most advanced classes!)