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Benny, if you don't tell the thread things, people will start posting drama. You've told me a ton of poo poo despite us barely knowing each other or talking, so I'm sure other people know some of the things I know. Just re-reg or something if you want the problem to go away, but don't feel up to outlasting it.
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Jul 26, 2013 13:29
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If people start dragging in drama, they will regret it and the thread will disappear. Behave yourselves, you goddamn goony-rear end goons. If the dude stops posting stuff in the thread, it doesn't obligate anyone to post privately revealed information or create drama just for the sake of keeping this going. Go elsewhere and find something else to post about, or go outside or something.
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Jul 26, 2013 15:47
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Noisycat posted:That's really not cool in posting something private Benny trusted you with. Come on, dogpiling and chewing him out is one thing, but that's just a dick move. Yeah, I agree. Though, I thought the writing was an interesting start. Bother an editor or two. ... I am hoping Benny gets a good job, too.
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Jul 26, 2013 19:40
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You can be a successful writer without actually being good at it. People do it all the time. Just admit to yourself that your grammar is horrible. Get help here, use a website, post your work for people to correct, etc. The insults, drama and hilarity can't possibly get any worse. Honest to god, as long as you don't post personal info, worst case scenario, your out $10. I didn't get to read the sample posted against your will. Don't care. You could write a story about cock riding space cowboys, have someone edit it up, figure out how you wanna distribute it, learn some InDesign, go through the process, etc. As long as you can figure out a way to get it out there, some assholes will buy it. Everyone here could hate it and laugh you off the Internet, but some desperate shut-in with too much money might frivolously drop $20 on it. I dunno how easy/difficult it is to publish a book, but I'm sure it could be done as long as your willing to drop a couple hundred bucks. Twilight happened. So can you, Benny.
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Jul 26, 2013 19:42
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But Benny, why are you ignoring the thread? There is some good advice in here. Also, when you began the thread, you had no job and were fighting with your mother. Now you at least have some work, and are talking to a doctor. I think you've made progress, partially owed to the goons posting here. Some of the goons posting here. The one who posted your novel is a dick.
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Jul 26, 2013 20:46
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Noisycat posted:That's really not cool in posting something private Benny trusted you with. Come on, dogpiling and chewing him out is one thing, but that's just a dick move. Yeah, that's really lovely. Benny doesn't deserve that.
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Jul 26, 2013 20:58
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I didn't read the excerpt posted here by the dumbass, but as far as cyperpunk/noir/hardboiled fiction goes, I would recommend reading some Richard Morgan. His Takeshi Kovacs novels feature a hard-boiled space mercenary/detective, and remind me of Dashiell Hammett's protagonists, only with way more explicit sex scenes (which are somewhat embarassing to listen to, if you're reading via audiobook in a public setting, trust me). You might like them, considering you mentioned Chandler and Bestor (two of my favorite authors). I also second the suggestion to read Stephen King's "On Writing". Keep up the writing, and the doctor's visits and the Target job, Benny.
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Jul 26, 2013 21:22
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Benny, i started reading your leaked chapter one and got HOOKED. Unfortunately, i got busy at work and couldn't finish, nbd i thought at the time, I'll finish reading about Johnny Steel and his mustang after work...well you can imagine my disappointment when I find it's been taken down. I think we'd all like to read more. At this point, Benny the Snake and his thread is more a cult of personality as opposed to a real genuine effort to help your personal life--why not post more of your story? People here are very talented and only want to provide valuable feedback. Art isn't art if it isnt shared. Who else gon read it? Your comicbook hating mother? Your callously aloof brobro? Your Target peers? Get your stuff out there. Sharing and critique is healthy and cathartic.
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Jul 27, 2013 00:35
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See, I kinda don't care about the book but I am invested in Benny's success as a Person Who Doesn't Live With His Crazy Parents.
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Jul 27, 2013 01:55
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Uncle Salty posted:I am invested in Benny's success as a Person Who Doesn't Live With His Crazy Parents. Sell! Sell! Sell! Benny never wanted to move out of parents house. This thread was first about comic books, then about trying to redeem himself to the goons who made fun of him for being a grown man who had to worry about mom throwing out his comics. That didn't work out so now he's pretending to be invested in his writing.
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Jul 27, 2013 05:19
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Benny I am offended that you admitted to ignoring this thread so that it will go away and wish upon you that your mom starts chargging you $1220 a month in rent and your brother benefits from it.
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Jul 27, 2013 07:14
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Benny, stop quiting on everything you do in live and update this thread. So many goons in here to E/n and the only ones who ever stand a chance of getting their life on track are the ones who stick it out and keep up with there threads. You Honestly should not be getting so bent out of shape when the people over the internet make fun of you. You should be bent out of shape because you are like 25 and only just now doing things that a highschooler would be doing to via work experience. As pathetic as this sounds, its still a huge step forward from were you were like 6 months ago "hiding in your comic jack off chambers convincing yourself that your parents are in the wrong for not wanting you around". So Stop being such a manchild and just get tough with it. Treat this thread as like you would treat a pet. Would you really let a pet lizard or snake just starve because it bite you? IF you would then your a pile of poo poo. So don't let just ignore this thread because it will just prove to the world that you are someone who isn't capable of taking what life can thought at you. If you are really that lovely with self confidence then you need to really work on that. I've already posted about simple yet effective techniques to help you feel better about yourself but you haven't even attempted to try it out. Benny if you want to pm me fine but stop being a wuss and just ignoring everything I say. IF you want things to change, then you need to learn how to stick with it and endure alittle discomfort, I suggest you start with this thread.
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Jul 27, 2013 15:57
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I saw my psychiatrist today. His diagnosis...scared me to say the least. But in the spirit of reaching out for help, I'm gonna confess to you guys a whole lot of things. It's one thing to lie, but withholding information is just as bad. I was let go from Target on the 12th of this month. When I talked to my manager, he gave me the reason that I hit the bumper of a car. Well, I knew there had to be some reason beyond that. And after talking with a friend, I figured out why; I hit the bumper of a car, but I never followed through and reported it. I didn't want to say anything with my managers because I was paranoid that they'd cut me loose. I had this mindset of if anybody could do this job, then if I showed any sort of vulnerability or asked for help, I'd be cut right then and there. That and I wasn't part of a team; I was in active competition with everyone else. If I slipped up and they found out, they'd fire me and find someone else. So most times I felt overwhelmed or had an incident on my hands, I wouldn't say anything. But by not say anything, I made myself a bigger liability. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with severe depression with psychotic tendencies. That last part scares me but at the same time, it makes too much sense. My family curse is insanity and belligerence. I had developed paranoia and emphatic tendencies as a learned response. I learned to be vigilant to the point of obsession and to read people's moods because I had to in order to figure out if my parents were going to fight again. I lived in constant fear of somebody attacking somebody in my home. I never played well with others because I grew up in a hostile environment where you couldn't trust anybody at all. You had to always be on guard or else somebody was going to attack you. For gently caress's sake, my Dad to this day quotes the Book of Revelation whenever something significant happens in the world. He was insufferable when Prop 8 was overturned last year; kept talking about "the will of the people" being denied by the Supreme Court as a means for the state turn an obscene profit off of marriage licenses (his reasoning, not mine). I was raised and taught that one day, every last person in the world would hunt us, the members of the "true church", down like wolves. Paranoia is the least of it all. And don't misconstrue this: I'm not blaming my neurosis on my decisions; I am tired of them influencing my decisions and I am angry at myself for giving in to them. So I'm doing something about it. I'm in weekly therapy right now. I've been prescribed both an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic. I can't afford the anti-psychotic but I'll go back to the office to get free samples. As for the job search; I'm staying away from restaurants and focusing on retail. The manager who told me I was being let go told me that I was an excellent cashier (1 red card per day I was scheduled as a cashier) and if I come back for seasonal hiring in October they'll have something for me. I'm not counting on that, but I am confident at my skills as a cashier enough to where I'm applying to other retailers. I'm also sending resumes and cover letters online; I'm gunning for the typist position at my local police department. I won't know until next month but I'm applying elsewhere. I didn't want to tell you all about getting let go because I was paranoid that all of you would eat me alive. But after I got my writing posted online without my consent, I figure I don't have much left to hide and that I need to be honest with you all.
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Jul 28, 2013 00:05
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That was very honest and brave of you to type that. I really hope the medication and therapy work for you. Now that you are aware of what the issue is, you are one step closer to your goal. I'm pulling for you from halfway across the country. Good luck Benny.
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Jul 28, 2013 00:12
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This is good news Benny. Do not be upset by it. Bad news would have been the psychiatrist telling you that you were perfectly mentally healthy and then realizing in that state you could not hold down a cart-pushing job. Now you know that you are performing sub-optimally because your brain is out of whack. You are also lucky enough to live in a time where you can do something about this. Hooray! E/N Success story still possible!
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Jul 28, 2013 00:22
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Out of curiosity how did they catch you for hitting that bumper? If no one saw it it seems like you could just feign ignorance and who knows maybe some rear end in a top hat customer left a cart out and it rolled into another car. If people directly saw you do it then I don't think there'd have been a point trying to hide it in the first place.
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Jul 28, 2013 00:31
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ArbitraryC posted:Out of curiosity how did they catch you for hitting that bumper? If no one saw it it seems like you could just feign ignorance and who knows maybe some rear end in a top hat customer left a cart out and it rolled into another car. If people directly saw you do it then I don't think there'd have been a point trying to hide it in the first place. They have cameras on the parking lot.
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Jul 28, 2013 00:38
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ArbitraryC posted:Out of curiosity how did they catch you for hitting that bumper? If no one saw it it seems like you could just feign ignorance and who knows maybe some rear end in a top hat customer left a cart out and it rolled into another car. If people directly saw you do it then I don't think there'd have been a point trying to hide it in the first place. What scares the gently caress out of me is "psychotic tendencies". Somebody please explain to me what they are exactly?
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Jul 28, 2013 00:38
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quote:I am tired of them influencing my decisions and I am angry at myself for giving in to them. So I'm doing something about it. The day you get the diagnosis (and some of the days after it) can really suck. The good thing about that day is that you have information you can use to make your life better. The very best of luck to you. e: "Psychotic" doesn't mean what you see in the horror movies. "Psychotic features" can mean hallucinations, but it can also mean delusions. Wikipedia tells me: "Common themes of mood congruent delusions include guilt, punishment, personal inadequacy, or disease." So (for instance) the belief you've mentioned in this thread, that everybody's out to get you, the belief you were raised to have, might well count. (Don't talk to Dr. Google right now; it will make you feel worse because you'll believe in the worst prognosis. I know because I've done it for myself.) Here's the good news: "Early studies suggest an 80-90% response rate in psychotic depression with combination treatment." That's drat good odds. Arsenic Lupin fucked around with this message at 00:50 on Jul 28, 2013 |
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Jul 28, 2013 00:43
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Benny the Snake posted:A customer complained and they have cameras out there in the lot. When a manager asked me about it, I played dumb and told her "I don't remember". It usually doesn't mean "ax murderer" don't worry. More like disorganized thinking etc. This can be greatly helped with medication. And remember those drugs take at least a month to get going. So don't get discouraged if you don't feel different right away. This is a good thing. You identified an issue and are on the way to resolving it.
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Jul 28, 2013 00:46
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The anti-psychotic was $900 a bottle. I have no insurance right now and I'm paying out of pocket. Like drugs run about the same price. Is there any sort of co-operative I could join or something so I could get these drugs on the cheap?
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Jul 28, 2013 00:51
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I'm over here across the planet cheering you on! It must be such a relief to have a solid idea of what's going on internally. Now you're on a path to making your brain work for you rather than against you. It'll be two steps forward, one step back, but you're on your way to making progress. A couple years ago my dad tore his rotator cuff. For like 8 months he's doing physical therapy thinking it was a sprain or dislocation or whatever. He finally got surgery, which is supposed to be a rather excruciating ordeal. The next day, he's in higher spirits than ever, looking up boats on the internet and getting all excited about bombing around the lake. I'm all "...uhh dad? Aren't you in huge amounts of pain?!" And he says "yeah!! But for the first time in almost a year, it feels like it's getting better!"
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Jul 28, 2013 00:53
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Depression comes out of the same part of the brain that's responsible for states of shock. If you find yourself wondering how much depression may have been keeping you down? Keep that in mind! And if you feel like learning a bit about depression, this is a lecture on depression from a world class neurobiologist! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc Starts at ~1:05.
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Jul 28, 2013 01:16
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There are some links to prescription assistance programs at the bottom of this page. Benny, I'm sorry you lost the Target gig, but it's great that you're getting help for your brain issues. Getting your neurology functioning better is going to help you make more logical decisions in the future. Best to you.
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Jul 28, 2013 01:48
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So do y'all wanna see my story again? I could post it here chapter-by-chapter or I could just open a thread on CC. I'm writing a prologue to it in order to commit to five chapters.
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Jul 28, 2013 02:07
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Benny the Snake posted:The anti-psychotic was $900 a bottle. I have no insurance right now and I'm paying out of pocket. I'm guessing it's not available in a generic? Google "prescription assistance programs (name of med)".
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Jul 28, 2013 02:08
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 Good for you Benny, this is the start of a better life for you! I am cheering for you!
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Jul 28, 2013 02:14
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Hey Benny, you did it! You're addressing the underlying issues that make you miserable and hard to employ! Getting your mental health squared away is a better step forward than a dozen retail job offers.
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Jul 28, 2013 02:23
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Hearing you go for and get treatment is awesome news!!! Go Benny!! I think a CC post with your story is appropriate, but if I could suggest you waiting a bit to post it for criticism, I would. Let your drugs have a chance to kick in and for you to stabilize a bit before you add open criticism to something you hold dear. Self-preservation and all that jazz.
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Jul 28, 2013 02:30
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Benny the Snake posted:tough stuff Hey Benny, no one's perfect. You're not, I'm not, people in this thread aren't. But what you've done here is a hugely impressive thing, and I defy anyone, even your biggest detractors in this thread, not to applaud you for taking the steps you took to get this diagnosis, and being honest here. I'm not sure if this is appropriate, but your story made me think of some classic Philip Larkin. This Be the Verse They gently caress you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were hosed up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself. —— Keep going, man. Life from here on gets, on the whole, better. There will be ups and down, and the downs might feel insurmountable, but they're not. The secret is reaching out for help. You'd be amazed at the number of people who'll hang onto you if you just put out an arm. Churchill might be a crotchety old dead guy, but when he said 'if you're going through Hell, keep going', he was drat well right. Chin up. Keep going! 
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Jul 28, 2013 03:05
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Oh Benny, E/N can be a bit bitchy at times but we don't stick with threads like this one hoping you will fail. I want you to be successful and happy and in a stable environment. It's actually good that Target said to check back with them in October. I've worked for them and if you mess up and get fired/quit they will not hire you back. Just go for cashier next time; it is a lot of fun for a retail job. Keep going! You can do it!
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Jul 28, 2013 03:25
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Congradulations, and You're wellcome!
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Jul 28, 2013 03:34
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You know there's something I shared with my therapist that I'd like to share here. Spite is like a blade without a hilt; it's going to cut your hand but it feels so good to stab somebody in the back with it. It was around senior year of high school when I finally snapped and figured out just how much bullshit I put up with my parents. I became resentful, argumentative, loving manic at some points. I stopped going to church. I stayed up at my dorm on the weekends. I wanted nothing to do with them. I might still live here but I try my best to get away from my family. All my fear and anxiety turned into bile, vitriol, and rage. I turned passive-aggressive and told everyone how much I hated my Dad in front of my other family members when he wasn't around. I knew all this hate would consume me; how I was poisoning myself from the inside out; how I'd probably snap and turn violent. I'd have dark thoughts, fantasies really, about the kind of violence I could inflict upon my family; how all the schadenfreude and pure joy I could enjoy from telling each and every one of them off. Or just get in one huge brawl with everyone involved; break a few noses, crack a skull or two; leave all kinds of bruises and scars. All as penance for the years of misery I had to endure from all of them. So I let that hate fester inside me like a cancer. I knew it was venom but I hoped that by keeping it inside me that it would turn more potent like aging wine. I fantasized that one day I'd finally be able to let the fangs out and poison everyone else. At this point, I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll always be a bitter person. My hope though is that I'll be able to find something to channel all that those negative feelings into. Like how you make anti-venom out of venom. I became attracted to reading because I found solace in other writers. I hope I can offer the fearful, the resentful, and the hateful solidarity. But the years of drama I endured from my family I've also developed a massive inferiority complex. It's a vicious cycle that only now I've come to realize that I have to get myself out of. There's only one person in my family that I have any real love for and who's exempt from my feelings of hate and belligerence; my little sister. She's adorable. She's studying to become an astrophysicist. She's smarter than I am and I try to encourage that by spoiling her with Marvel movie stuff and this year for her birthday I'm gonna get her Hyrule Historia. But then a few weeks ago she announced that she was going to transfer out of her Cal State to a private Christian college. I want her to stay in a private college; I want her to experience other views and maybe one day realize how full of poo poo our parents are. Instead she's joining the line for Kool-Aid at Jonestown 
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Jul 28, 2013 04:22
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Part of maturing is moving past the bile and hatred. All of us at one point or another had some true hatred or anger at our parents. Everything about your parents, from your perspective, is one of severe yet caring parents. I know it doesn't feel that way but they obviously love you and care for you despite all you go through with them. Realize that you don't have to direct your bile on to something or someone else. You can forgive, you can move on. Theres so many other avenues that you can take without it leading to more hatred. Best of luck dude.
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Jul 28, 2013 04:27
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Just take ownership of your lovely situation, realize you are in no position to dole out advice or perspective to anyone, especially not your little sister. GJ on therapy and all that but yeah.
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Jul 28, 2013 04:29
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Benny the Snake posted:But then a few weeks ago she announced that she was going to transfer out of her Cal State to a private Christian college. I want her to stay in a private college; I want her to experience other views and maybe one day realize how full of poo poo our parents are. Instead she's joining the line for Kool-Aid at Jonestown Plenty of successful, intelligent scientists are Christian. There's nothing inherently bad about your sister attending a Christian college. Not all Christians are your parents. If your sister is intelligent, Christianity isn't going to make her dumb, or hateful, or anything negative. It's entirely possible for her to recognise your parents are bad examples while remaining involved with Christianity.
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Jul 28, 2013 06:18
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The fact that you sought mental help is the first real step towards being an independent adult you have taken, and you should be proud.
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Jul 28, 2013 10:49
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Your bitterness is probably a natural and justified emotion. It sucks having bad parents and it sucks having to live with them. If you get another appointment you really should talk about dealing with your violent fantasies. Those could be real trouble if acted upon. As for your sister. Ideally she'd be able to explain her reasons and you'd be able to voice your concerns without being judgmental. Practically, your family seems unable to communicate without being totally toxic to each other and your thinking right now isn't the best. I don't know.
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Jul 28, 2013 12:16
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Good on you for being honest with yourself and us, man.
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Jul 28, 2013 14:19
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Benny the Snake posted:The anti-psychotic was $900 a bottle. I have no insurance right now and I'm paying out of pocket. Like drugs run about the same price. Is there any sort of co-operative I could join or something so I could get these drugs on the cheap? Good lord, what medication is this? I thought the generic lamotrigine (Lamictal) at $129 per month was ridiculous. My insurance knocks it down to $12 monthly, though. You should probably try to get some kind of prescription assistance, because I'm on three different anti-psychotic/mood stabilizers (Lamictal, Tegretol, and lithium, with a little Prozac on the side) and they seriously CHANGED MY LIFE for the better in tremendous ways.
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Jul 28, 2013 17:40
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