Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Locked thread
Lily Catts
Oct 17, 2012

Show me the way to you
(Heavy Metal)

Mr.Drf posted:

So November is coming up. I know the work NaNoWriMo produces is mostly tripe, and that the whole event seems looked down upon in this thread. On top of that I know I am not a regular poster in this thread, but would anyone be interested in a writing camp style NaNoWriMo thread?


I'm wanting to do it like they do the weight loss threads. Where writers from here make a TOXX clause that promises to write X many words before the end of the event, and then we could all critique and help out with whatever each person involved wrote. It could evolve in to a thread not just for general writing advice, but specifically about writing novels.

From my experience with Nanowrimo, it felt like writing one long first draft for a month. It left me little time to step back, reflect on my work, or rewrite anything. It was definitely a "don't get it right, get it written" thing. So I don't think a camp could work.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Symptomless Coma
Mar 30, 2007
for shock value

Schneider Heim posted:

From my experience with Nanowrimo, it felt like writing one long first draft for a month. It left me little time to step back, reflect on my work, or rewrite anything. It was definitely a "don't get it right, get it written" thing. So I don't think a camp could work.

This is a good discussion to have. An opinion:

The only thing that got me through NaNo the time I did it was to never look back, only forwards. If there were to be a NaNo thread I'd imagine it working in a similar way: one group of people saying "I'm stuck here" / "I hate my book" etc, and another group saying "Have you tried x?" / "Shut up and write". No analysis, just strategies to keep going. If that's useful to people, there's merit...

(Let's face it: it's going to happen anyway, because it's fun)

Mrfreezewarning
Feb 2, 2010

All these goddamn books need more descriptions of boobies in them!
If no one is in, it's not a big deal. We had one last year, I just envisioned one that would pressure people into getting stuff on the page. Since that is the biggest problem guys in this thread seem to have. We have a NaNoWrimo thread from 2012, but it was just a meandering piece of crap.

The NaNoWrimo people on Facebook have been laying out a structured sort of framework for their writing groups. That involve group "sprints" of writing at agreed upon times, weekly talks about how every one is doing and whether they have met their goals, brainstorming and support from group members to help everyone get prepared and finish. I know it's more intimate and hugboxish than the Thunderdome and more focused than the Farm.

Lily Catts
Oct 17, 2012

Show me the way to you
(Heavy Metal)
I got through Nanowrimo by telling myself that I only had to reach the word limit, and keeping to schedule by writing a certain amount of words per day. It helped that I had an outline that dictated what would happen for each day, though of course I didn't get to follow that to the letter.

I suppose the simple goal of "write n words in a month" doesn't seem like good advice for writing quality fiction, and it isn't, not directly. Since your output's going to be a first draft at most, it's going to be pretty bad. So no one needs to know what you've written. No one needs to care. Surprisingly, this killed my internal editor and I was slogging words every night while tired or drunk because gently caress everything, I'm just writing. And then I hit the word limit.

I think the experience did me a lot of good, because I used to be a real prissy perfectionist and never got anything done because I was fussing over every sentence even before I completed it. It best hammered to me the advice that your first draft sucks so just get it written and revise, revise, revise.

Mr.Drf posted:

The NaNoWrimo people on Facebook have been laying out a structured sort of framework for their writing groups. That involve group "sprints" of writing at agreed upon times, weekly talks about how every one is doing and whether they have met their goals, brainstorming and support from group members to help everyone get prepared and finish. I know it's more intimate and hugboxish than the Thunderdome and more focused than the Farm.

I take that this is the "normal" way of doing Nanowrimo? Being an introvert, I'd probably crash and burn if I followed that approach, since I tend to forget writing around people and get distracted by them instead. But it sounds like a lot of fun, I don't believe people are supposed to treat Nanowrimo as their super-serious novelist debut or something.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
Just make a thread for it and see if people will join.

I made a writing group (from this thread) and it seems pretty successful so far. We are doing novels over four months though, so we have more time to discuss stuff. If I were going to do NaNoWriMo, I would want to be in some kind of group for it so I didn't feel I was doing it in a void.

Panda So Panda
Feb 21, 2010

Stuporstar posted:

Read this right loving now, http://writerunboxed.com/2013/07/19/avoiding-boring-character-biographies/ and then write some scenes for your character.

I took the "When was she most ill, or most near death? Who cared for her, if anyone, and what bond was formed or undermined through that ordeal?" prompt and came up with a one-page, 721-word thingy. Where should I post that, The Farm?


SuBeCo posted:

Panda So Panda, it might be useful to look at why your character is both brainy (intellectual/educated) and physical (fit/strong). Being smart doesn't make you know things automatically, and having the potential to be fit doesn't mean you'll work out. Was she placed in the gifted program at school? Did her parents place an emphasis on education? Did they notice her becoming withdrawn or a bookworm and put her into team sports to develop her emotional intelligence? Did she realise she couldn't relate to peers in her age group and so decide to take up sports to make friends? Did she read about feminism and realise that the stereotype of brainy=weak was bullshit and decide to work on her physical strength? Does she find her brains difficult to deal with and enjoy the stress release and endorphins of exercise?

You need to think about your character and what forces have shaped her life.

Actually, she isn't necessarily both brainy and physical at the moment. In fact, the way I've thought of her so far, she's primarily a brain. However, over the course of my story, she would be thrown into some hairy situations where she would benefit from a little more than just book smarts. My original question was about how much buttkicking could she reasonably do without it seeming ridiculous and unlikely? The questions you listed gave me additional food for thought, so thanks for them.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW

Panda So Panda posted:

came up with a one-page, 721-word thingy. Where should I post that, The Farm?

Correct.

SuBeCo
Jun 19, 2005
Amazing... Simply amazing...

Panda So Panda posted:

Actually, she isn't necessarily both brainy and physical at the moment. In fact, the way I've thought of her so far, she's primarily a brain. However, over the course of my story, she would be thrown into some hairy situations where she would benefit from a little more than just book smarts. My original question was about how much buttkicking could she reasonably do without it seeming ridiculous and unlikely? The questions you listed gave me additional food for thought, so thanks for them.

Ah, my apologies. Well, being a relatively average girl here's some random information for you (I'm assuming that you're a guy). I'm not terribly fit - I can do a few boy push-ups, but I can't do a pull-up. Interestingly, though, my sister is incredibly fit and quite strong - she does yoga, pole-fitness, aerial hoop and more. She can't do a pull-up. What she does have though is a very high level of endurance, and from my experience with people I know this is quite common among girls who are fit. Will your character be likely able to go toe-to-toe with some six foot guy? Nope. Could she outrun him over a long distance? Maybe. Basically what I'm saying is, if your character has no real history of physical fitness, be wary of applying your own experiences to her capabilities. Pull-ups in this scenario stand in for upper-body strength which most guys (even the not so fit) have more of than girls.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022




Or kick him in the yarbles.

Crisco Kid
Jan 14, 2008

Where does the wind come from that blows upon your face, that fans the pages of your book?

Chairchucker posted:

Or kick him in the yarbles.

Yep. Being rear end-kicky is sort of vague, anyway. Cunning, ruthlessness, and being good with a weapon are all ways to work around a lack of pure strength. And as SuBeCo mentioned, you don't want to take for granted that there are different types of fitness, just like there are different types of intelligence. For example, I'm also a young woman, but my distance endurance is pretty poo poo. I can do 10 to 21 pull-ups though, depending on how much I've worked out.

Symptomless Coma
Mar 30, 2007
for shock value
An unrelated form question about the short but not-so-short story.

There's a competition deadline coming up and the word limit is 4,000. This feels like a tricky length to me - 1,500 or 2,000 I can do because you've usually got half that's rising action, and half that's resolving it (or not necessarily that rigid, but y'know). Longer things also make sense, because they're chaptered. You can meander.

How does a 4,000-worder work? I can imagine taking a 1,500 and making it less lean by describing more things, or adding colour by using more examples to illustrate the relationship between two people, but these feel like repetition to me. So does the plot have to get more complicated, but only slightly.

I now realise this isn't a proper question, so here's one: does anyone have any thoughts on what makes a good 4,000ish word story? What's your favourite story of such a length? Annoyingly, mine is Guts, which achieves that length through digression, unless I really missed the point.

Anyone?

Accretionist
Nov 7, 2012
I BELIEVE IN STUPID CONSPIRACY THEORIES
Panda, I think you're pretty much limited to mace or the old 'Jab your thumb into his eye and run' trick.

E: Or surprising your assailant with a taser. Being the subject of unduly low expectations is a lot like having the element of surprise.

Accretionist fucked around with this message at 05:22 on Jul 24, 2013

Crisco Kid
Jan 14, 2008

Where does the wind come from that blows upon your face, that fans the pages of your book?

Symptomless Coma posted:

An unrelated form question about the short but not-so-short story.

There's a competition deadline coming up and the word limit is 4,000. This feels like a tricky length to me - 1,500 or 2,000 I can do because you've usually got half that's rising action, and half that's resolving it (or not necessarily that rigid, but y'know). Longer things also make sense, because they're chaptered. You can meander.

How does a 4,000-worder work? I can imagine taking a 1,500 and making it less lean by describing more things, or adding colour by using more examples to illustrate the relationship between two people, but these feel like repetition to me. So does the plot have to get more complicated, but only slightly.

I now realise this isn't a proper question, so here's one: does anyone have any thoughts on what makes a good 4,000ish word story? What's your favourite story of such a length? Annoyingly, mine is Guts, which achieves that length through digression, unless I really missed the point.

Anyone?

Just check out some great short story anthologies and reverse engineer them. Honestly, I've heard 3000-7000 words is the sweet spot for sales and fairly normal, and I'd much rather read that than a bunch of thousand word snippets. Though I have never been able to write anything less than 7000 words, so take that with a grain of salt.

Some famous examples:
Ambrose Bierce, An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge: 3804
Shirley Jackson, The Lottery: 3773
Edgar Allen Poe, The Black Cat: 3998
Roald Dahl, The Lamb to Slaughter: 3899
W.W. Jacobs, The Monkey's Paw: 4134
Rudyard Kipling, The Cat that Walked by Himself: 4108

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER
http://www.sfwa.org/2009/06/turkey-city-lexicon-a-primer-for-sf-workshops/

This is an incredible collection of terms used to describe certain traits in writing. Kind of like tropes I suppose. I'm just had it sent to me by one of my writer mentors, and it's pretty goddamn good.

Here's a snippet to give an example:

quote:

“Burly Detective” Syndrome
This useful term is taken from SF’s cousin-genre, the detective-pulp. The hack writers of the Mike Shayne series showed an odd reluctance to use Shayne’s proper name, preferring such euphemisms as “the burly detective” or “the red-headed sleuth.” This syndrome arises from a wrong-headed conviction that the same word should not be used twice in close succession. This is only true of particularly strong and visible words, such as “vertiginous.” Better to re-use a simple tag or phrase than to contrive cumbersome methods of avoiding it.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

magnificent7 posted:

http://www.sfwa.org/2009/06/turkey-city-lexicon-a-primer-for-sf-workshops/

This is an incredible collection of terms used to describe certain traits in writing. Kind of like tropes I suppose. I'm just had it sent to me by one of my writer mentors, and it's pretty goddamn good.

Here's a snippet to give an example:
I remember reading that years ago and thinking Damon Knight must be the most terrible loving writer, to have all these things named after him. Then it turns out he's friends with the guys who wrote it and it's stuff he makes fun of in crit sessions.

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

I remember reading that years ago and thinking Damon Knight must be the most terrible loving writer, to have all these things named after him. Then it turns out he's friends with the guys who wrote it and it's stuff he makes fun of in crit sessions.
yeah - not named after the offender, named after the discoverer.

I also like their take on relaxing some of these rules in order to tell a better story vs. hide behind all them big fancy words, (I'm totally guilty of that).

magnificent7 fucked around with this message at 19:07 on Jul 24, 2013

Panda So Panda
Feb 21, 2010

Sorry for the delay in getting my character blurb posted - busy work week! After some proofreading, it ended up being 510 words instead of 700-whatever. It is over here for your critique.

SuBeCo posted:

Ah, my apologies. Well, being a relatively average girl here's some random information for you (I'm assuming that you're a guy). I'm not terribly fit - I can do a few boy push-ups, but I can't do a pull-up. Interestingly, though, my sister is incredibly fit and quite strong - she does yoga, pole-fitness, aerial hoop and more. She can't do a pull-up. What she does have though is a very high level of endurance, and from my experience with people I know this is quite common among girls who are fit. Will your character be likely able to go toe-to-toe with some six foot guy? Nope. Could she outrun him over a long distance? Maybe. Basically what I'm saying is, if your character has no real history of physical fitness, be wary of applying your own experiences to her capabilities. Pull-ups in this scenario stand in for upper-body strength which most guys (even the not so fit) have more of than girls.

Surprisingly, I am also female. I've just never been terribly good at gauging other people's physical fitness since I grew up in the slender-but-not-"fit" category. My youthful metabolism was pretty decent, but now in my twenties I'll have to work at it, so thank you (and the others who offered info along these lines) for pointing out the perspectives. There are a few female characters in this writing project that are supernaturally inclined to have more-than-normal strength, so this realism-check won't necessarily apply, but this particular character does not so she certainly won't be able to go toe-to-toe with most guys of average and above height and strength. Her degree of cardio fitness may enable her to outrun danger, at least for a little while, depending on who or what pursuing her.

PoshAlligator
Jan 9, 2012

When SEO just isn't enough.
I just wrote up a blog post about Live Writing. I'm not sure if that's an actual thing many people have done or if I'm in the minority.

Essentially it's writing live (via Google Docs or whatever), and using it to gauge pacing and reader response and stuff. I sort of come to the conclusion that it's pretty good for things like comedy writing, but only in certain situations. But when it works it really works.

Was wondering if anyone else had any thoughts or opinions on it, as I had a real blast and found the experience tremendously helpful with the piece I wrote using it. Just a rough first draft, mind you.

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER
I read your post - and, so, you write and people react WHILE you write your story? Does that suck if there's only one person following you? Or none at all? And I guess it's more like performance art than writing? Strip away the comments that happen while you're writing, and does the document make any sense at all?

PoshAlligator
Jan 9, 2012

When SEO just isn't enough.

magnificent7 posted:

I read your post - and, so, you write and people react WHILE you write your story? Does that suck if there's only one person following you? Or none at all? And I guess it's more like performance art than writing? Strip away the comments that happen while you're writing, and does the document make any sense at all?

I'll be honest, I'm not super popular so I had like 7 people watching tops. That actually probably let me keep an eye on it better.

I suppose you could do it in a more performance-focused way, but the way I wrote my thing was just traditional. The main thing I got out of it was being able to gauge what people thought as I wrote it, and being super conscious of losing people if it was boring.

You could read it and not know it had been written that way, though. I guess it's kind of like watching a movie with friends as you make the movie.

The book is pending approval on ebook distributor sites right now if you're interested in how it turned out.

BlueInkAlchemist
Apr 17, 2012

"He's also known as 'BlueInkAlchemist'."
"Who calls him that?"
"Himself, mostly."
I have a courtroom scene I need to knock out. It's an arraignment. Does Law & Order get that part of the courtroom procedure right, or can I get directions to another source I can draw reference material from so the scene feels authentic?

PoshAlligator
Jan 9, 2012

When SEO just isn't enough.
Haven't there been some cases where actual courtroom proceedings have been recorded for the public recently? There's definitely actual transcripts, but I'm not 100% sure on the best place to get those and sometimes you need to pay a fee.

I haven't seen Law & Order but I wouldn't bet on it being exact. But then, there's no reason you have to be either if it's not some law specific thriller.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









PoshAlligator posted:

Haven't there been some cases where actual courtroom proceedings have been recorded for the public recently? There's definitely actual transcripts, but I'm not 100% sure on the best place to get those and sometimes you need to pay a fee.

I haven't seen Law & Order but I wouldn't bet on it being exact. But then, there's no reason you have to be either if it's not some law specific thriller.

Google court transcripts. You'll find loads.

Phil Moscowitz
Feb 19, 2007

If blood be the price of admiralty,
Lord God, we ha' paid in full!

BlueInkAlchemist posted:

I have a courtroom scene I need to knock out. It's an arraignment. Does Law & Order get that part of the courtroom procedure right, or can I get directions to another source I can draw reference material from so the scene feels authentic?

Law & Order is typically heavy on banter from the judges, and zealousness from the lawyers, but generally they have the procedure correct. Depending on what kind of court you're in (federal, state) the affair may be more wooden or livelier. I know criminal court here in New Orleans has more of a zoo atmosphere whereas federal court is more like a library.

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003

"It's time....to DIE!"
In some courts, arraignments may be open to the public. Call the courthouse, say you need to see one for a writing project, and ask 1) if they are open to the public, 2) which court would be good to sit in on, 3) when they occur.

Of course if you work 9-5 and can't leave for an hour, you might be out of luck.

Phil Moscowitz
Feb 19, 2007

If blood be the price of admiralty,
Lord God, we ha' paid in full!
Also if you are doing a scene in Federal court where someone is getting sentenced, remember federal sentences run in months, not years, and are based on guidelines.

ViggyNash
Oct 9, 2012
Can anyone give me a link to something that discusses flow in creative writing? My sister took a look at part of a short story I'd written and mostly complained about wordiness and flow, saying that it felt too saturated. My problem is that I don't know how to remove the wordiness to improve the flow without losing the meaning and details.

Chillmatic
Jul 25, 2003

always seeking to survive and flourish
Post some of what she read so we can determine what she might have been talking about.


Saturated, wordiness, flow--these are meaningless words. If I can get a glimpse at the writing itself I might be able to give you a few concrete ideas as to what's wrong with it.

ViggyNash
Oct 9, 2012
These are the first three paragraphs, meant to build (some of) the setting and the scene, and to give it some atmosphere, and are also the passages she criticized the most. I've revised this quite a bit since her comments, but I'm still not sure if I fixed it.

quote:

The alley between the two warehouses was a dead end. Half way down the alley, a towering fence of corroded metal blocked the way past to the parking lot at the other end. The warehouse walls lining the alley were made of thick corrugated steel, streaked red with rust from years of rain. The entrance was lit by the pale, intermittent orange glow of a flickering streetlight. The far end of the alley was lit by a brilliant stage of powerful spotlights strewn throughout the harbor beyond the fence. Neither could wash away the deep, oppressive darkness of the alley’s center except the faint radiance of the full moon far overhead, but only subtly.

Within that darkness stood three silhouettes. Jason, with his back to the streetlight, leaning with his right arm on the rusted metal as he choked through painful, heaving exhalations. He doubled over to cough up a glob of phlegm on to the weed ridden concrete, then returned his focus to the woman’s lifeless silhouette. Maya stared coldly and anxiously at Sarah, her breathing slow, as if restrained. She was consciously aware of the gun tucked into the back of Jason’s shorts, and kept the necessary muscles tensed for when the moment came. Sarah leaned listlessly on the fence with a silent air of resignation. She was motionless as she stared down the barrel of the gun.

The air was still. The pervasive moan of faraway machines, the distant clang of shipping containers and Jason’s gasping breaths were all that could be heard. The much of the simple orange t-shirt he was wearing was glued on like a second skin by profuse sweat. He might be far past his life’s prime, but a body moulded by war is not so easily broken or deformed. The moment the assassin fires, his hands will already be in motion. Before she can turn to shoot him, he will have fired at her. But he put his confidence in the fact that she most likely believed that, though he himself did not have confidence in a tired body that was over a decade older than his adversary’s. He forced himself to swallow to slow his accelerated heart.

I'm an amateur so I wouldn't be surprised if this read like crap to anyone that wasn't me. By "amateur" I mean this is the first thing I've ever written that wasn't for a class, and I have no background in writing at all.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
You are describing too much for sure. We don't have to know what everything looks like. We don't need an adverb for every verb and a list of adjectives for every noun. Especially when nothing really is happening.

Here is a summary of what actually happens in the first two paragraphs:

They were in a dark alley. It was partially illuminated, but still dark in the center. Jason spit onto the ground and looked down at the woman's body. Maya looked at Sarah. She (who? Maya or Sarah? Probably Maya) was aware of the gun in the back of Jason's shorts. She tensed her muscles for when the moment came. Sarah leaned on the fence and stared down the barrel of the gun. (So the gun is out now?)

I have bolded how much "extra poo poo" you have in the first paragraph:

quote:

The alley between the two warehouses was a dead end. Half way down the alley, a towering fence of corroded metal blocked the way past to the parking lot at the other end. The warehouse walls lining the alley were made of thick corrugated steel, streaked red with rust from years of rain. The entrance was lit by the pale, intermittent orange glow of a flickering streetlight. The far end of the alley was lit by a brilliant stage of powerful spotlights strewn throughout the harbor beyond the fence. Neither could wash away the deep, oppressive darkness of the alley’s center except the faint radiance of the full moon far overhead, but only subtly.

Now the second:

quote:

Within that darkness stood three silhouettes. Jason, with his back to the streetlight, leaning with his right arm on the rusted metal as he choked through painful, heaving exhalations. He doubled over to cough up a glob of phlegm on to the weed ridden (should be weed-ridden) concrete, then returned his focus to the woman’s lifeless silhouette. Maya stared coldly and anxiously at Sarah, her breathing slow, as if restrained. She was consciously aware of the gun tucked into the back of Jason’s shorts, and kept the necessary muscles tensed for when the moment came. Sarah leaned listlessly on the fence with a silent air of resignation. She was motionless as she stared down the barrel of the gun.

From the summary I gave, you can see that very basic elements of WHAT IS HAPPENING are not clear. Who is "she," when did the gun go from Jason's back shorts to being out? Or is this another gun? Which of these people is the assassin? Who is the woman on the floor? Is it Maya, Sarah, or someone else? I didn't get to bolding the third paragraph, but you have a lot of "what will/would happen soon" rather than anything happening. I have read all three paragraphs and don't know what the relationship between these three (or is it four?) people is and what is going on or going to happen.

It's okay to put in adjectives and even sometimes adverbs, but look at all the stuff I bolded and look at the first few sentences of the first paragraph that do nothing but describe in too many words. With all of these words, I still don't know what's happening. Description can be great, but you have to do it sparingly and you have to leave the plot in the foreground.

The setting here is relatively important, but you could probably get away with mentioning a harbor, warehouses, and one rusted thing. The reader will imagine the rest, just describe one thing in some detail and let the plot move on.

More people are going to post further feedback, but really look at all those bolded words and ask yourself which you could cut out. You also are having issues with passive voice that really slow down the pace and make things read awkward. After reading "two warehouses" and "corroded metal," I have a mental picture of where they are. I then have to read several more sentences describing what is already in my mental image. It is frustrating to read because I am already imagining this rusted metal and uneven lighting, but you then describe it for me while I am thinking to myself, "Okay, but what is HAPPENING here?"

angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 15:44 on Jul 30, 2013

ViggyNash
Oct 9, 2012
So it boils down to "Show, don't tell." From what I understand, I'm trying to force too many details upon the reader and its taking away from their ability to imagine the scene, or understand it in the first place. From how much you've misinterpreted these couple of paragraphs its obvious that they need an intensive overhaul. The details that I'm giving are all the wrong details.

Here's a short checklist of things I'm going to work on:

- Explain the scene rather than the details of the scene.
- Leave enough description only to allow the reader to imagine the scene, but not too much to be superfluous or wordy.
- Make sure the details have been clearly relayed to avoid misunderstanding.

The one thing I'm not yet clear on how to do is how to create mood or atmosphere without superfluous description. Do I have to pick and chose the most effective details and leave the rest up to the reader's imagination?

And thanks for the analysis. It was EXTREMELY helpful for noticing the underlying faults.

Symptomless Coma
Mar 30, 2007
for shock value
I don't want to labour the point on those two overused words, but my attitude is to try and show things that tell.

So showing that the fence is rusty is fine, if a character is going to manage to get through it because it's weak, or contract tetanus because it's dirty. If you're saying it because you're trying to storyboard through words, then actually you probably can just tell the reader the alleyway's pretty nasty, and let them fill it in.

The (cautious) exception is fantasy/SF/weird, if you're describing something that doesn't exist and it's part of the effect of the story and you can do it well. I just finished and massively enjoyed China Mieville's Perdido Street Station, and love. If 'non-essential description was cut from that, it'd be about 20 pages long. And a ton of people hate that, so, take with a pinch of personal salt.

Symptomless Coma fucked around with this message at 11:08 on Jul 31, 2013

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
I would practice writing flash fiction for now and not even worrying about creating mood or atmosphere. You'll find it's hard enough to create a plot that works and execute it in 1000-1500 words. Once you can consistently write coherent plots you can start working on making them more interesting. Adding in atmosphere or mood is one way you could make them more interesting. Once you have the building blocks and base knowledge of laying out a coherent plot, you will be able to add in that "extra stuff" and know if its adding to the piece as a whole or detracting from it.

A big thing you'll do is write out the rough draft, then go back and edit the poo poo out of it. During the edits you'll probably notice a sentence that is very descriptive or atmospheric, but it might slow down the tension of a scene or detract from the plot, so you'll just delete it.

Chillmatic
Jul 25, 2003

always seeking to survive and flourish

ViggyNash posted:

These are the first three paragraphs



Woof. There is nothing salvageable there, even considering systran's edits.



Are you doing any editing? Revising? At all? I ask because there are a handful of faults with the paragraphs you posted that should have been caught during a cursory glance. I'm talking about the kind of faults that occur before one can even begin to get into show vs. tell and voice and so on.

For instance, look at this:

quote:

The alley between the two warehouses was a dead end. Half way down the alley, a towering fence of corroded metal blocked the way past to the parking lot at the other end. The warehouse walls lining the alley were made of thick corrugated steel, streaked red with rust from years of rain. The entrance was lit by the pale, intermittent orange glow of a flickering streetlight. The far end of the alley was lit by a brilliant stage of powerful spotlights strewn throughout the harbor beyond the fence. Neither could wash away the deep, oppressive darkness of the alley’s center except the faint radiance of the full moon far overhead, but only subtly.

You use the word "Alley" five times in a single paragraph as well as repeating other words far more often than you should. Accidental word repetition is a very basic problem that should clue you in that you're overdoing something. It fatigues the reader's ear. And their patience. Find better ways to help your prose flow more easily from one sentence/thought to the next; use stronger verbs and descriptions so that you don't feel it necessary to repeat yourself.


Beyond the fundamentals, the single biggest problem with what you posted is that it isn't really told from anyone's point of view, through any character's eyes. (until the end...sort of) We get some formless description--far too much, as already noted--through nobody-in-particular's perspective and this makes the whole thing look disjointed and messy. Then you head-hop from the girl to the guy.

If you're serious about writing, read some books on the subject or take a creative writing class--or even simply read through the books you enjoy, paying close attention to voice and perspective, and how it's used effectively. You've got a few baseline flaws that betray your lack of experience; easy enough to overcome, but will certainly take some work on your part.


Also:


Symptomless Coma posted:

I don't want to labour the point on those two overused words, but my attitude is to and show things that tell.

This is good, important advice. Also known as "The Law of Conservation of Detail".

ViggyNash
Oct 9, 2012
Like I said Chillmatic, I'm an amateur at this. Things that you and others might find obvious aren't necessarily going to be obvious to me. I meant for this short to be a learning experience, which it has. The reason I've never written anything before was because I was never able to translate any of my ideas into actual content. Then I realized that I would never learn how to do so until I made some attempt at it in the first place. This is that first attempt.

Chillmatic
Jul 25, 2003

always seeking to survive and flourish

ViggyNash posted:

Like I said Chillmatic, I'm an amateur at this. Things that you and others might find obvious aren't necessarily going to be obvious to me. I meant for this short to be a learning experience, which it has. The reason I've never written anything before was because I was never able to translate any of my ideas into actual content. Then I realized that I would never learn how to do so until I made some attempt at it in the first place. This is that first attempt.


I did read your post (where you already said all of this) and do understand that you're an amateur. The advice I gave you was tailored with that in mind. Why are you repeating yourself, here? I pointed out that the writing did, as you suggested it would, come off as the work of an inexperienced amateur.


I apologize if you're offended by my critique, but the fact remains that the work itself was very, very bad. You can become a better writer but you'll need to do some concerted work in order to improve. Doing more writing is a huge element of that, but having some guidance along the way will help you improve much more efficiently/quickly.


I've recommended this book about 600 times already, and I'll keep doing it till the day I die--or until a better one comes along.

http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Tools-Essential-Strategies-Writer/dp/0316014990


It has exercises you can do and an easy-to-understand format. This book, above all others, skyrocketed the quality of my prose several times over. It would be a good place to start if you're serious about improving as a writer.

Chillmatic fucked around with this message at 20:10 on Jul 30, 2013

ViggyNash
Oct 9, 2012
It sounds like you didn't mean it to be, but it felt a bit condescending. Ignoring that, thanks for the recommendation. I'll be sure to give it a read.

Chillmatic posted:

Beyond the fundamentals, the single biggest problem with what you posted is that it isn't really told from anyone's point of view, through any character's eyes. (until the end...sort of) We get some formless description--far too much, as already noted--through nobody-in-particular's perspective and this makes the whole thing look disjointed and messy. Then you head-hop from the girl to the guy.

What I'd been going for was an omniscient third person perspective where I objectively narrate the events as they occur. There is a reason for this which tied into a plot point that shows up almost at the end of the story. I'll put it down as a sloppy attempt and reconsider how I want to tell the story.

ViggyNash fucked around with this message at 21:10 on Jul 30, 2013

Symptomless Coma
Mar 30, 2007
for shock value

Chillmatic posted:

This is good, important advice. Also known as "The Law of Conservation of Detail".

I looked this up and found it helpful. I don't know if there any cardinal rule against linking to TVTropes, but... http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheLawOfConservationOfDetail

Think of everything in your alley as a potential Chekov's Gun. If it's not going to go off, don't put it in. Especially in short fiction, where you make a covenant with the reader that you're not going to waste their time.

ViggyNash
Oct 9, 2012

Symptomless Coma posted:

I looked this up and found it helpful. I don't know if there any cardinal rule against linking to TVTropes, but... http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheLawOfConservationOfDetail

Think of everything in your alley as a potential Chekov's Gun. If it's not going to go off, don't put it in. Especially in short fiction, where you make a covenant with the reader that you're not going to waste their time.

I think that's a great way to put it. And put that way it really shows the importance of writing shorts before continuing on to larger projects. That's pretty much the mindset I now have as I rewrite my story.

e:vv Already ordered from Amazon. It should arrive before the weekend.

ViggyNash fucked around with this message at 18:06 on Jul 31, 2013

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER
DEJA VU!

I absolutely second or third Writing Tools, the book recommended by Chillomatic. He recommended it to me two or three times and I replied similarly to the way you replied, and then I read the book, and now suggest that book as well.

For reals. Go get the book.

  • Locked thread