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A platoon of the Alpine Corps is doing the usual hike in the mountains, as part of their training. Suddenly, one of the soldiers, private Wasp, slips and nearly falls in the canyon coasting the ledge. He's hanging on a root, but he feels that he can't hold on for much longer. Seeing one of his comrades, he cries for help. "Sure", says the other "but you'll have to kiss me, and jerk me off". "No! Go away, you sick bastard". He sees another one coming, and again he cries for help. "Sure", says the other, "but you need to blow me and let me come on your face". Private Wasp of course refuses. But now he's feeling that he can't resist anymore. He sees yet another comrade coming, and cries "Help! Help me! I'll do anything you want, I'll kiss you, jerk you off, blow you... but please, help me!". The other soldier comes close, looks at him, and stomps his hands shouting "DIE, human being!". note: if you actually stomp your foot, the joke gets better
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Aug 11, 2013 22:26
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 23:08 |
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I can't remember where I heard this, and it's not really very funny, but it's probably my favourite joke of all time; I have difficulty telling it to people because I always crack up when it comes to the punchline. A woman walks into a bar, and notices a guy sitting at a table who has a gigantic orange head. She orders a beer, and tries to keep her eyes on her drink but can't stop herself sneaking glances over at the guy with the gigantic orange head. After a minute or so he looks over at her and says "you're wondering about my gigantic orange head, aren't you?" She looks embarrassed and says "Oh, no, not at all!" "It's okay," he says. "I'll tell you what - buy me a beer and I'll tell you how I got a gigantic orange head. Deal?" "Sure", she says, because she doesn't really know what else to say. She orders a beer for the guy with the gigantic orange head and he beckons her over to his table. She comes over and sits down, and he begins his story. "Well... I didn't always have a gigantic orange head. I was using my metal detector at the beach one day last year, just looking for loose change that people had dropped and stuff like that. I hadn't had much luck, but right down where the sand meets the sea my metal detector started beeping like crazy. So, I dug down in the sand and found an old lamp - you know, an old Aladdin-type oil lamp. It wasn't gold, it was just tarnished brass or something - or copper maybe, it was pretty green and dingy." The woman nods to show she understands and takes a sip of her beer. "Anyway, I rinsed it off in the water, and because I didn't want to get my bag soaking wet I gave it a quick rub with the edge of my T-shirt. And I know it's hard to believe, but as soon as I did that a genie appeared in a puff of blue smoke. Just like in some cheesy film. I just about poo poo myself, but he then started giving that whole spiel about 'you have released my from my prison, in return I will grant you any three wishes you want'. You know how it goes. So, first of all I wished for a million dollars, and he kind of waved his hands around and pulled this briefcase from the air and tossed it over to me. I opened it up, and it was packed full of fifty dollar bills. I kind of wished I'd asked for more, but it was still more money than I'd ever seen in my life. While I was still trying to get to grips with what was happening the genii asked my what my second wish was, and I thought for a moment and told him I wished that I was twenty and healthy again. And he waved his hands around again and I could feel my skin smoothing out and the pain in my back going away. I didn't tell you this at the start, but I'm actually pushing seventy. Well, it would have spoiled that bit of the story, really." "Sure," the woman says. "So anyway, he asked me what my final wish would be, and I was getting pretty excited by now, but it was now that I made a major gently caress-up and asked for something that, in retrospect, was really loving stupid." The man falls silent and looks sadly into his beer, slowly shaking his gigantic orange head. "So," the woman prods after a moment, "what on earth was you final wish? How did you end up like... well, like this?" "For my third wish," the man replies, "I wished for a gigantic orange head".
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Aug 12, 2013 01:26
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1 posted:"For my third wish," the man replies, "I wished for a gigantic orange head".  Unhumor is not humorous.
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Aug 12, 2013 02:14
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That made me laugh myself sick. Seeing spots here, oh god.Captain Trips posted:
Eye of the beholder, man.
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Aug 12, 2013 02:47
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Forgive me if this has been done. A police officer pulls over a guy on a chopper for speeding and asks for license and registration. The man has none, so the cop asks for a name to run through the database. "Fred," claims the man. The officer asks for a last name. "Ain't got one." The officer asks how that can be. Fred leans back and explains himself. "When I was a kid my name was Frederick Dingaling. I used to get teased a lot because of that, but I wanted to show them I could succeed in life. So, I got good grades, went to college and got my PhD and became Doctor Fred Dingaling, PhD. I made myself a nice nest egg, but that wasn't enough for me. I wanted to be a dentist. So, with my salary I went back to school and got myself a DDS and became Dr. Fred Dingaling, PhD, DDS. I opened up a clinic and hired a secretary. "Well, we had a fling. She had VD, of course. Now I was Dr. Fred Dingaling, PhD, DDS, with VD. The AMA found out about my VD and revoked my PhD so I was Dr. Fred Dingaling, DDS, with VD. Then the AMA told the ADA about my VD and revoked my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling with VD. "Then the VD took away my Dingaling so now I'm just Fred." Double May Care has a new favorite as of 03:42 on Aug 12, 2013 |
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Aug 12, 2013 03:40
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A blonde is rowing a boat in a corn field on the side of the highway. Another blonde sees this, pulls her car over, and stands on the highway shoulder. "What are you doing out there?" she yells. The nautical blonde replies, "Rowing my boat, duh!" Highway Blonde isn't happy about this response. "You idiot! You're the reason people tell jokes about dumb blondes! You're giving the rest of us a bad name!" Boat Blonde is nonplussed. "So, what are you gonna do about it?" Highway Blonde yells back, "Nothing right now, but if I could swim I'd go out there and kick your rear end!"
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Aug 12, 2013 04:08
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A the blondes in the world get sick and tired of blonde jokes, so they have a big public rally. To prove that blondes aren't dumb, the speaker calls on a random blonde to come on stage and answer trivia questions. "What's the capital of the United States?" "Umm, I dunno, California?" The crowd starts shouting "That question was too hard! Give her another chance!" "How many ounces are in a pound?" "Umm, I dunno, like a hundred?" Again, the crowd starts shouting "That question was too hard! Give her another chance!" "What's two plus two?" "Ummm, four?" The crowd still shouts "That question was too hard! Give her another chance!"
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Aug 12, 2013 05:09
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Doing this from memory, hope nobody's posted this one: So a guy's walking down a beach, and his eye catches a pier. On the edge of the pier he sees a wheelchair-bound girl, and from the distance he's at it looks like she's sobbing. So, never being one to back away from someone in trouble, he approaches the pier, and upon reaching the edge, the girl notices the faint sound of footsteps coming towards her. "Hey, are you feeling OK?" the man says. "Well," she starts, "I've really been thinking about things lately, and I realized that I've never been hugged before." It's pretty clear that the girl's very distressed about this, and it would be a shame if she did something drastic, this close to the water... The man asks, "May I?" The girl nods, and he wraps his arms delicately around the girl's chairbound form in a strong, passionate hug. As he releases his arms from the hug he notices her mood hasn't really improved. "Is there something else wrong?" The man asks. "M-my mom... She fell into a coma at the hospital, and died about a week ago... I never even got to kiss her goodbye. Could you please give me a kiss, for her?" The man happily obliges, and soon enough the girl recieves a kiss on the cheek. "I had this boyfriend, too, a while back. He turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. In the later stages of it, he got more and more violent. He's the reason I'm like this," she gestures to her immobile legs. " The last things he ever said to me were things like, 'Nobody in their right mind would ever gently caress you!' In retrospect, it was a pretty bad relationship, but I guess I clung to it out of desperation...I understand this might be a bit much, but could you...?" The man, having been in some rocky relationships himself, completely understands. He takes his shirt off... yanks her out of the wheelchair, PUNTS her into the lake, and once she resurfaces runs off with the wheelchair yelling, "NOW you're hosed!"
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Aug 13, 2013 02:07
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What do you call a man with a dick on his face? gently caress knows.
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Aug 13, 2013 15:12
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What do you call a man with dicks for ears? Anything you like, he can't hear you
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Aug 13, 2013 15:49
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We talked about 'kid jokes' earlier in the thread - those jokes that make little or no sense. My son popped out with two of them at breakfast a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to share: what did the fork say to the knife? We do not make sense! What did the fork say to the spoon? Let's have a fight! Yeah, I don't get it either.
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Aug 13, 2013 18:49
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in my post - that means I'm right no matter what.
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What do you call a man with a 2inch penis? Justin
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Aug 13, 2013 19:32
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Macklemost posted:What do you call a man with a 2inch penis? I feel retarded because I tried to find a pun for like 10 seconds in this one.
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Aug 13, 2013 20:04
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SheepNameKiller posted:I feel retarded because I tried to find a pun for like 10 seconds in this one.
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Aug 13, 2013 20:05
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SheepNameKiller posted:I feel retarded because I tried to find a pun for like 10 seconds in this one. Trust your feelings, Luke.
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Aug 13, 2013 20:22
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Splizwarf posted:Trust your feelings, Luke. His name's not Luke, it's Justin.
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Aug 13, 2013 20:42
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SheepNameKiller posted:I feel retarded because I tried to find a pun for like 10 seconds in this one. Just 10?
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Aug 13, 2013 20:42
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Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field
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Aug 13, 2013 21:58
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OppositeOfLove posted:We talked about 'kid jokes' earlier in the thread - those jokes that make little or no sense. My son popped out with two of them at breakfast a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to share: There's a whole blog of nonsense kid jokes: http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/ It's been cracking me up for weeks.
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Aug 13, 2013 22:00
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SheepNameKiller posted:I feel retarded because I tried to find a pun for like 10 seconds in this one. Buggiezor posted:Just 10? Justin -> Just In -> You're just in enough for me to feel something
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Aug 13, 2013 22:16
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Manslaughter posted:Justin -> Just In -> You're just in enough for me to feel something  For new content, Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The cermony was so-so, but the reception was great!
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Aug 13, 2013 22:32
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OppositeOfLove posted:We talked about 'kid jokes' earlier in the thread - those jokes that make little or no sense. My son popped out with two of them at breakfast a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to share: Told to me yesterday by a five-year-old: A rich man walks into a McDonald's and says "I'd like a One Gram Burger." And this one, which is actually pretty deep. Or not. I am you and you are me. Who am I?
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Aug 13, 2013 22:47
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Dave Syndrome posted:I am you and you are me. Who am I? The Walrus.
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Aug 13, 2013 23:38
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quote:Blonde jokes How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's not funny.
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Aug 14, 2013 17:39
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How many rabbits does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You can't even fit one rabbit in a lightbulb.
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Aug 14, 2013 19:08
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says " Hey, why the long face?" The horse replied "my wife just died of leukemia."
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Aug 14, 2013 19:23
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Gay Abortions posted:How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.  (Note: that emoticon is a description of how to deliver the answer - with as much smugness as possible.)
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Aug 14, 2013 19:37
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beato posted:Works better with Biggish. Or if you tell it to Sean Connery.
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Aug 14, 2013 21:01
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Did you hear about the trainspotter who fell in front of the Flying Scotsman? He was chuffed to bits.
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Aug 14, 2013 22:00
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quote:blonde jokes How can you tell if a blonde is suicidal? Bulletholes in her mirror
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Aug 15, 2013 12:44
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The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher Called the hen a most marvelous creature. The hen, pleased with that, Laid an egg in his hat. And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
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Aug 15, 2013 13:49
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This one is making the rounds on facebook. Apologies to those who've already seen it - I laughed. " These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you making GBS threads me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law."
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Aug 16, 2013 15:59
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I'm sorry you seem to have mistaken this thread for STDH.txt
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Aug 16, 2013 16:06
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Yeah I saw those before.. in 1999! 
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Aug 16, 2013 16:08
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Yeah, while those are still funny, most of them are probably a decade old at bare minimum. e:f;b
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Aug 16, 2013 16:09
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My dad is laughing his rear end off right now, here's some from him: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car? She was a woman. Yo' mamma's so fat she wore a Malcolm X shirt and a helicopter tried to land on her. Why did Michael J. Fox go to Sonic? for the shakes What's the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scot? A Rolling Stone says "Hey, you, get offa my cloud" while a Scot says "Hey, McLeod, get offa my ewe!" Stairs has a new favorite as of 16:35 on Aug 16, 2013 |
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Aug 16, 2013 16:23
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Dave Syndrome posted:Told to me yesterday by a five-year-old: My Persona?
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Aug 16, 2013 20:36
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Dr. Jamming posted:My Persona? No, dammit! You're not me!
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Aug 16, 2013 23:17
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Stairs posted:Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car? How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They stuck a plunger in the toilet. Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide? You would too if your name was Baaahfewjahhhfraebahhhj. That's all I can recall from being a not-funny 14yo.
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Aug 17, 2013 00:15
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 23:08 |
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When Helen Keller fell down the well, why didn't she grab the rope? She was too busy screaming
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Aug 17, 2013 00:52
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