Disillusionist posted:

hey, I just met you
and this is crazy
please kick my balls
i'm Call Me Abey

het posted:

it's really sad that you changed a single line (beyond the actual joke of Abe's name) and it doesn't even scan

Smarmy Coworker posted:

"It's hard to look right
at your baby."

- Carly Rae Jepson to Abe's mother, 2012

Empty Sandwich posted:

'kick my ballsack' would work (not mine guys) (abe's)

no they will not posted:

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ABE

1.
You are Abe, GBS moderator and nothing man. You are wearing a burgundy shirt, some camo patterned cargo shorts, and sandals with socks. You are ready for a brand new day. The possibilities are endless!
To leave your room, go to section 16
To check your phone messages, go to section 11
To commit noose suicide, go to section 7

2.
Arriving at your ex-girlfriend's apartment building, you notice a broken-down old man wearing clothes such as a hobo, in the foyer.
To go over to the homeless man, go to section 3.
To go straight to your girlfriend's apartment, go to section 13.

3.
After shaking the man a few times, he blinks. He looks to your face, grogginess still in his eyes. After a few seconds of silence, he begins to projectile vomit, directly into your face. This continues for 90 uninterrupted seconds, before he slumps over again, spent.
Return to section 2.

4.
No, I'm not even going to dignify that by writing a section.
Return to section 10.

5.
Abe, you stupid motherfucker, thit isn't how choose your own adventures work. You get run over by a big tank and die. THE END.

6.
"My son is also named Bort", you say, displaying the trademark wit and charm of a GBS moderator. "Ah sick, I get the ref", the receptionist says without looking up.
Return to section 10.

7.
You silently tie the noose, your hands unusually steady. In a life full of gently caress ups and goof-os, this decision seems more right than any other. As you surrender your body to the rope, you see a bright light, but it's not heaven, it's hell. Solemnly, you accept your fate. "I deserve to go to hell and burn for all eternity", you think in a hillbilly accent.
THE END

8.
You run screaming at the receptionist, and smash through the window, showering you both in broken glass and blood. After you notice she has no pulse, you realize she must be dead. All you have to do to save your house is find the documents ordering your house's destruction, and steal them.
To steal the documents ordering your house's destruction, go to section 15.
To run home and commit noose suicide instead, go to section 7.

9.
You decide to allow a human person to lose their life for no reason, and instead head down to the local grocery store. You decide on some old cheese to use as soap and a mannequin someone trod on to use instead of a mirror, and instead of paying you try to steal them but get caught. The security guards tase you repeatedly and pull down your pants and laugh at your small dick. You head home, another day done, and jack off to some choice sailor scouts for 5 hours before bed.
Sleep for 7 hours on a stained, greasy futon, and then go to section 1.

10.
You arrive at the Demolition offices, that are also the Realtors' offices. You find the room to be empty, apart from a sullen-looking receptionist who seems to be ignoring you. You try clearing your throat a few times to get her attention, but to no avail. If you're going to save your house, you'll have to do something.
To drop a classic Simpsons ref, go to section 6.
To try a charm offensive, go to section 4.
To use violence, go to section 8.

11.
You pick up your phone and check for new messages. You have two new texts. The first is from a local demolitions company:


Dear sir, your third warning for late payment had been issued one month ago today. As you know, this means we will drive the crane with a wrecking ball on it to your house and destroy it. We will also do donuts on your lawn to make the grass all hosed up, and if someone nails you with a loose brick, they get $50. gently caress you.


The second is from an ex-girlfriend:


abe im sorry for all the things i said to yuo i want to get back together with you i wont even wear the gloves this time xxx love you bby. gently caress you


To try to save your house from being destroyed, go to section 10.
To go talk to your ex-girlfriend, go to section 2.
To ignore the texts and leave your room, go to section 16.
To commit noose suicide, go to section 7.

12.
Tailing Adolf Hitler from a distance, you follow him into his secret lab. Peeking through the door, you see a row of tanks, each containing a suspended Abe. Your quest is only beginning...

THE END

13.
You find your ex-girlfriend's door unlocked, so you open it and step inside. The room is pitch-black. Suddenly, the lights turn on, with the sound of an airhorn, and your ex-girlfriend, your family, and the bullies who beat you up in high school all jump out from behind furniture. "Surprise, fucker!", your ex says, "Who would ever want to get with such a homo, haha", she continues. Everyone starts laughing at you and you start crying and run home while you pee yourself in sadness.
Return to section 2 to try again tomorrow.
Go to section 7 to prevent this from happening ever again.

14.
You roll towards the road like a foul katamari, narrowly managing to save the man. Startled, the driver swerves into a tree and is killed instantly, gg. Startled, you notice that the man you saved is infamous dictator Adolf Hitler. "Hello", he says, "I am Adolf Hitler. From the nazi party. Thank you for saving my life. I used a time machine to come forwards in time to this moment, before I did the holocaust, world war II, all that good stuff. Because you saved my life I can go back in time again, and do it. Bye." He leaves.
To follow him, go to section 12.
To hang yourself in remorse, go to section 7.

15.
Congratulations! You have saved your house for another day.
To claim your reward, go to section 1.

16.
You step outside your front door, blinking your little piggy eyes in the sunlight and wrinkling your stupid rat nose. Scoping out the scene, you notice hastily abandoned food items, drink cans, and infant children; the tell-tale signs that abe has made his way onto the scene. Suddenly, in the distance, you see a single remaining person on the scene - and he's about to be run over by a car!
To attempt to rescue the person, go to section 14.
To ignore that and go shopping instead, go to section 9.

no they will not posted:

5.
Abe, you stupid motherfucker, thit isn't how choose your own adventures work. You get run over by a big tank and die. THE END.

no they will not posted:

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ABE

14.
You roll towards the road like a foul katamari, narrowly managing to save the man.

no they will not posted:

[...]instead of paying you try to steal them but get caught. The security guards tase you repeatedly and pull down your pants and laugh at your small dick. You head home, another day done, and jack off to some choice sailor scouts for 5 hours before bed.

Dabbo posted:

lol i didnt recognise u with the new av and almost instinctively skipped this

no they will not posted:

You decide on some old cheese to use as soap and a mannequin someone trod on to use instead of a mirror, and instead of paying you try to steal them but get caught. The security guards tase you repeatedly and pull down your pants and laugh at your small dick. You head home, another day done, and jack off to some choice sailor scouts for 5 hours before bed.
Sleep for 7 hours on a stained, greasy futon, and then go to section 1.

no they will not posted:

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ABE

1.
You are Abe, GBS moderator and nothing man. You are wearing a burgundy shirt, some camo patterned cargo shorts, and sandals with socks. You are ready for a brand new day. The possibilities are endless!
To leave your room, go to section 16

16.
You step outside your front door, blinking your little piggy eyes in the sunlight and wrinkling your stupid rat nose. Scoping out the scene, you notice hastily abandoned food items, drink cans, and infant children; the tell-tale signs that abe has made his way onto the scene. Suddenly, in the distance, you see a single remaining person on the scene - and he's about to be run over by a car!
To attempt to rescue the person, go to section 14.

14.
You roll towards the road like a foul katamari, narrowly managing to save the man. Startled, the driver swerves into a tree and is killed instantly, gg. Startled, you notice that the man you saved is infamous dictator Adolf Hitler. "Hello", he says, "I am Adolf Hitler. From the nazi party. Thank you for saving my life. I used a time machine to come forwards in time to this moment, before I did the holocaust, world war II, all that good stuff. Because you saved my life I can go back in time again, and do it. Bye." He leaves.
To hang yourself in remorse, go to section 7.

7.
You silently tie the noose, your hands unusually steady. In a life full of gently caress ups and goof-os, this decision seems more right than any other. As you surrender your body to the rope, you see a bright light, but it's not heaven, it's hell. Solemnly, you accept your fate. "I deserve to go to hell and burn for all eternity", you think in a hillbilly accent.
THE END

Space T Rex posted:

Your s may be better spent at a strip club, my friend.

Space T Rex posted:

Your s may be better spent at a strip club, my friend.

no they will not posted:

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ABE

no they will not posted:

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ABE

1.
You are Abe, GBS moderator and nothing man. You are wearing a burgundy shirt, some camo patterned cargo shorts, and sandals with socks. You are ready for a brand new day. The possibilities are endless!
To leave your room, go to section 16
To check your phone messages, go to section 11
To commit noose suicide, go to section 7

2.
Arriving at your ex-girlfriend's apartment building, you notice a broken-down old man wearing clothes such as a hobo, in the foyer.
To go over to the homeless man, go to section 3.
To go straight to your girlfriend's apartment, go to section 13.

3.
After shaking the man a few times, he blinks. He looks to your face, grogginess still in his eyes. After a few seconds of silence, he begins to projectile vomit, directly into your face. This continues for 90 uninterrupted seconds, before he slumps over again, spent.
Return to section 2.

4.
No, I'm not even going to dignify that by writing a section.
Return to section 10.

5.
Abe, you stupid motherfucker, thit isn't how choose your own adventures work. You get run over by a big tank and die. THE END.

6.
"My son is also named Bort", you say, displaying the trademark wit and charm of a GBS moderator. "Ah sick, I get the ref", the receptionist says without looking up.
Return to section 10.

7.
You silently tie the noose, your hands unusually steady. In a life full of gently caress ups and goof-os, this decision seems more right than any other. As you surrender your body to the rope, you see a bright light, but it's not heaven, it's hell. Solemnly, you accept your fate. "I deserve to go to hell and burn for all eternity", you think in a hillbilly accent.
THE END

8.
You run screaming at the receptionist, and smash through the window, showering you both in broken glass and blood. After you notice she has no pulse, you realize she must be dead. All you have to do to save your house is find the documents ordering your house's destruction, and steal them.
To steal the documents ordering your house's destruction, go to section 15.
To run home and commit noose suicide instead, go to section 7.

9.
You decide to allow a human person to lose their life for no reason, and instead head down to the local grocery store. You decide on some old cheese to use as soap and a mannequin someone trod on to use instead of a mirror, and instead of paying you try to steal them but get caught. The security guards tase you repeatedly and pull down your pants and laugh at your small dick. You head home, another day done, and jack off to some choice sailor scouts for 5 hours before bed.
Sleep for 7 hours on a stained, greasy futon, and then go to section 1.

10.
You arrive at the Demolition offices, that are also the Realtors' offices. You find the room to be empty, apart from a sullen-looking receptionist who seems to be ignoring you. You try clearing your throat a few times to get her attention, but to no avail. If you're going to save your house, you'll have to do something.
To drop a classic Simpsons ref, go to section 6.
To try a charm offensive, go to section 4.
To use violence, go to section 8.

11.
You pick up your phone and check for new messages. You have two new texts. The first is from a local demolitions company:


Dear sir, your third warning for late payment had been issued one month ago today. As you know, this means we will drive the crane with a wrecking ball on it to your house and destroy it. We will also do donuts on your lawn to make the grass all hosed up, and if someone nails you with a loose brick, they get $50. gently caress you.


The second is from an ex-girlfriend:


abe im sorry for all the things i said to yuo i want to get back together with you i wont even wear the gloves this time xxx love you bby. gently caress you


To try to save your house from being destroyed, go to section 10.
To go talk to your ex-girlfriend, go to section 2.
To ignore the texts and leave your room, go to section 16.
To commit noose suicide, go to section 7.

12.
Tailing Adolf Hitler from a distance, you follow him into his secret lab. Peeking through the door, you see a row of tanks, each containing a suspended Abe. Your quest is only beginning...

THE END

13.
You find your ex-girlfriend's door unlocked, so you open it and step inside. The room is pitch-black. Suddenly, the lights turn on, with the sound of an airhorn, and your ex-girlfriend, your family, and the bullies who beat you up in high school all jump out from behind furniture. "Surprise, fucker!", your ex says, "Who would ever want to get with such a homo, haha", she continues. Everyone starts laughing at you and you start crying and run home while you pee yourself in sadness.
Return to section 2 to try again tomorrow.
Go to section 7 to prevent this from happening ever again.

14.
You roll towards the road like a foul katamari, narrowly managing to save the man. Startled, the driver swerves into a tree and is killed instantly, gg. Startled, you notice that the man you saved is infamous dictator Adolf Hitler. "Hello", he says, "I am Adolf Hitler. From the nazi party. Thank you for saving my life. I used a time machine to come forwards in time to this moment, before I did the holocaust, world war II, all that good stuff. Because you saved my life I can go back in time again, and do it. Bye." He leaves.
To follow him, go to section 12.
To hang yourself in remorse, go to section 7.

15.
Congratulations! You have saved your house for another day.
To claim your reward, go to section 1.

16.
You step outside your front door, blinking your little piggy eyes in the sunlight and wrinkling your stupid rat nose. Scoping out the scene, you notice hastily abandoned food items, drink cans, and infant children; the tell-tale signs that abe has made his way onto the scene. Suddenly, in the distance, you see a single remaining person on the scene - and he's about to be run over by a car!
To attempt to rescue the person, go to section 14.
To ignore that and go shopping instead, go to section 9.

Amateur Saboteur posted:

thank you for this

no they will not posted:

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ABE

The Fattest PI posted:

when abe was born the doctor asked what his name was and his mom was about to say "a bitch" but got cut off after the first syllable because she strangled herself with the umbilical cord

Cheap Shot posted:

Exclamation Marx posted:

Jigsaw posted:

i would suggest asking a mod to replace a glistening hodor's av with this, but abe would probably try to do it and just gently caress it up

VanSandman posted:

I ask why it hasn't already happened.

no they will not posted:

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ABE

Cheap Shot posted:

no they will not posted:

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ABE

2.
Arriving at your ex-girlfriend's apartment building, you notice a broken-down old man wearing clothes such as a hobo, in the foyer.
To go over to the homeless man, go to section 3.
To go straight to your girlfriend's apartment, go to section 13.

3.
After shaking the man a few times, he blinks. He looks to your face, grogginess still in his eyes. After a few seconds of silence, he begins to projectile vomit, directly into your face. This continues for 90 uninterrupted seconds, before he slumps over again, spent.
Return to section 2.

ddinkins112 posted:

This is absolutely spectacular, well done! I just see one small mistake. By making it a CYOA you're implying that Abe has free will or cognitive ability.

no they will not posted:

The security guards tase you repeatedly and pull down your pants and laugh at your small dick. You head home, another day done, and jack off to some choice sailor scouts for 5 hours before bed.