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Stables of fighters. I like it.
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Nov 18, 2013 14:09
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As mentioned previously, I'm all in favor of having team based matches next go around. I really like the idea of running it like a football league, based on wins, rather than Last Man Standing. It would give some other builds a chance to shine that they might not get otherwise. I'm also digging the "Game of the Week" or "Monday Night Fights" approach, where we get the play by play of one fight, and a description and results of the others. Makes it easier on Jazz, and speeds up the tournament. I'd also love to see another Battle Royale at some point (and not merely because Dies dominated the last one). Maybe we could go with a little less lava this time though, it claimed too many people last time. I like the idea of rewards for continued participation, but I'm not sure if points is the best way to go about it. Vox had a thing going where the victor of the previous round started the next with a prestigious piece of gear, which worked because it was Gold which meant it wasn't very protective and was heavy as poo poo so it was more like an albatross around your neck that you had to overcome. Which was great, but I'm not sure it's the right route to go either. I'll have to think about this some more.
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Nov 18, 2013 14:25
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Might be interesting to have requirements on how teams are formed -- like one Small character (goblin, gremlin, etc), one Medium (human, snakeman, ant-woman, etc), and one Large (minotaur, yeti, etc). I also think that just doing one major writeup and brief summaries of the other matches would work fine. As long as the combat logs are linked, everyone can get whatever information they might want. Not sure how hard it might make the bookkeeping, but what about distributing "experience points" based on performance? Maybe every match they play, fighters receive get 50 points. For every win, each fighter on a team then get, say, an additional 25 additional points, and maybe an additional 25 for every kill they make during the match. (note: these numbers would take some thought to balance -- I'm just throwing them out as placeholders for the sake of discussion). If you wanted, you could also have thread voting for that game-week's MVP across all matches played, which would be another XP bonus. Not sure about bonuses for sticking with the thread. I'd like any extra edge to help me win, to be sure, but I think if there is one, it should be minimally advantageous (like the extra gear RickVoid mentioned). We don't want to discourage potential new players by giving them the impression that the veterans have a significant built-in advantage (which, really, we kind of already have by having seen how all the different builds perform).
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Nov 18, 2013 15:29
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I'm up for whatever you feel happy doing, frankly. I'm just really excited to see the Arena active!
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Nov 18, 2013 16:05
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Having run a couple of my own mini-tournaments within the thread, I am *totally* in for any and all new content. Been loving the hell out of your write-ups Jazzimus and I'm very excited to see who will be the (eventual) winner. As far as feedback goes, not being 'out' when you lose would be a great bonus... but we'd have to restrict the number of entrants, wouldn't we? Part of the problem with the S2DFAC was that we started with so many people the first round took forever. Maybe we could split it up into multiple 'divisions' and the top few teams from each would qualify for the finals tournament? I was recently part of a Blood Bowl private league that worked much the same way... each team played each team in their division once and then the top 4 teams from each division played in the finals tournament. I do really like the idea that you can 'level up' even after a loss so that EVERYONE gets character and skill growth instead of JUST this 'big-guy-smash' meta we've currently got. It still might not help, mind you, but it'll be a nice new thing for little guys.  By far, the most time-intensive thing in this thread is doing a proper battle write-up. Perhaps if people are interested and committed we could have other participants of the thread doing writeups too? Just to make sure nobody tries to game the system, perhaps Jazzimus could 'run' the fight then just send the combat log to whoever is in charge of that 'division'? I think there are SO MANY fights that it's a hell of a burden to ask one person to do ALL the writeups.
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Nov 18, 2013 17:04
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Loving the MVP idea, we could do it on a weekly basis. If we're going to have losing teams continue to compete, we'll need to figure out how we're going to do their xp gains. Maybe they get half the xp the winning team gets? Otherwise a team that wins is going to keep on winning, because their xp gain is going to outstrip the losing teams pretty quickly. How many fighters do we want to have on a team? I was thinking pairs before, but a three on three fight could be interesting. We definently would need to implement some kind of "weight" limit though. Three tigermen versus three gremlins would be... rather one sided. Idea: Size catagories. 2 Tiny fighters count as one slot, small and medium fighters count as 1 slot, large fighters count as 2 slots. Yes, this would allow teams of tiny fighters that are a six man swarm. I'm tempted to download the version being used for this tournament to run some test matches. VladTheEater posted:By far, the most time-intensive thing in this thread is doing a proper battle write-up. Perhaps if people are interested and committed we could have other participants of the thread doing writeups too? Just to make sure nobody tries to game the system, perhaps Jazzimus could 'run' the fight then just send the combat log to whoever is in charge of that 'division'? I love this idea.
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Nov 18, 2013 17:12
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So, I propose the following setup:
Lingering questions:
edit: VladTheEater posted:By far, the most time-intensive thing in this thread is doing a proper battle write-up. Perhaps if people are interested and committed we could have other participants of the thread doing writeups too? Just to make sure nobody tries to game the system, perhaps Jazzimus could 'run' the fight then just send the combat log to whoever is in charge of that 'division'? The downsides to this approach is that A) more people means more complications, to say nothing off the diffusion of responsibility effect and B) there's some information about fights you can't get from the logs (positioning, status, etc). An alternative would be for Jazzimus to groom alternates who are set up to run/comment fights on their own if he can't do it in a timely manner. Haystack fucked around with this message at 18:17 on Nov 18, 2013 |
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Nov 18, 2013 18:06
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Oops. Quote is not edit
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Nov 18, 2013 18:15
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Haystack posted:Lingering questions:
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Nov 18, 2013 18:36
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RickVoid posted:[list] That's another question: One owner to a team, one owner per PC, or one owner per slot? I think it depends on how many people sign up.
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Nov 18, 2013 22:20
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Haystack posted:That's another question: One owner to a team, one owner per PC, or one owner per slot? Ah, okay, now I understand where you're coming from a little better. I've been looking at this as one player per slot, So you'd have teams of two to three players. I don't think we'd have trouble finding players, there's been plenty of interest in this. Plus, we'd probably want to open a new thread for the new season anyway.
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Nov 18, 2013 22:27
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Dang. Sorry, burg. That was rough.
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Nov 19, 2013 00:53
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I'm pretty easy on what form season 3 would take, but I'd volunteer to help run/write-up fights. I've had a little experience.
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Nov 19, 2013 04:21
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Clockwork Gadget posted:Dang. Sorry, burg. That was rough. Haha I just wanted to have some crazy one-shotting wizard with no defense. I knew it was a "First good hit wins" kind of thing, just like it has been every round. I hoped he'd keep going completely unencumbered by such silly things as "armour" and "some kind of codpiece".
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Nov 19, 2013 11:10
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 Round Four, Match Four Match Four, Sir Smellsalot (Black Griffon) vs. MLK (Red Dragon)  Welcome to Arena Challenge, live from Matul Remrit Memorial Stadium! I'm Waldorf, providing the play-by-play, along with Statler who will be providing the color commentary! I thought we were retired from all of this? There is no retirement in Dwarfhalla! Just the eternal return to the fighting pits. Or the occasional return into the broadcast booth in our case, intermingled with those long-term periods of relaxation. I kind of preferred the latter. Who wouldn't, you old jackass? And by the way, Jazzimus wants to have the tournament done by the end of the year! He's delusional. He'll be lucky to have this round done by the end of the year. Regardless, you and I have a job to do tonight, unless you'd rather be consigned to an eternity of something that asks more of you, and isn't quite as entertaining. Okay then. So tell me, why are both fighters' managers named for an ominous color prefixing a fearsome mythical creature? Huh? I mean, Black Griffon vs. Red Dragon. Is there a deeper meaning here? How the hell should I know? Luck of the draw, I guess, that they both got this far and happened to meet each other here. But I'm glad you're paying attention for once. Let's get on with it then. In the left corner, Sir Smellsalot the tigerman has a steel whip and a wooden shield, and wears a full set of iron armor -- greaves, gauntlets, high boots, a breastplate layered over a mail shirt, and THREE layers of iron headgear -- a pair of layered iron caps beneath an iron helm. He's wearing almost as much protection as I was that night I spent with your sister. Now that was just uncalled for! And in the right corner, MLK the Minotaur has an iron warhammer, and... nothing else. So it's another naked guy. But that kind of approach seems to work out more often than you'd think here in Arena Challenge, so we'll see how it works out for him. And there's the bell, and they're off! MLK is just a little bit faster than his enemy, probably because he isn't wearing any armor. But Smellsalot strikes first! And it looks like he only scored a bruise there. MLK counters, and bashes Smellsalot in the foot with his hammer! Again, it looks like he only left a bruise. But Smellsalot also counters! Another strike to the same spot, and MLK is bruised pretty badly now! MLK angrily charges at Smellsalot! Smellsalot blocks the strike with his shield, but the fighters collide and Smellsalot gets knocked to the arena floor! They strike at each other, but neither can land a blow through the other's guard! Lying on his back, Smellsalot blocks a blow from MLK with his shield and counters, but misses badly! He shouldn't have countered there, he should have jumped back to his feet! Maybe he enjoys being on his back as much as your sister does. Shut up! I don't even have a sister, you idiot! Oh? That's too bad, I was really looking forward to my next insult. You do have a mother though, right? I mean, everyone does, don't they? MLK swings his hammer again, and connects with Smellsalot's left shoulder! The tigerman howls in pain! But Smellsalot finally gets back to his feet. MLK charges again! He throws an ineffective punch, but collides with Smellsalot, knocking him down again! I'll tell you, the tigerman is on his back almost as much as your -- STOP IT, or I'll cut your microphone! While Smellsalot is down, MLK shatters his ankle with a hammer strike! Well, that's one way to make sure he won't stand back up. Smellsalot tries to strike from the ground, but MLK backs out of range to rain down hammer blows on Smellsalot's lower body! And it looks like the minotaur just fractured Smellsalot's spine there. And while Smellsalot is stunned, another strike from MLK to Smellsalot's chest breaks some bones, and sends the sharp point of a fractured rib right through the tigerman's heart! Just like I broke the hearts of all of the ladies in your family. Okay, okay, now that one was just stupid. You're trying too hard. You're not even being clever anymore. And now with Smellsalot laying there helplessly, MLK just goes to town with his hammer, breaking bones and rupturing organs left and right! And speaking of organs, my organ and your mom... I said SHUT UP! You're not funny! Smellsalot is still alive but unable to fight back! And now MLK brings his hammer down on the tigerman's hand, causing Smellsalot to finally drop his whip! Is this fight still going? Well... not anymore! Smellsalot just bled to death! Do I have time to make one more joke? No you don't, and those weren't even jokes, they were all stupid and offensive. For my colleague Waldorf, this is Statler, and good night from Matul Remrit Memorial Stadium! Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm late for a date with Waldorf's daughter. You'll get her home by 10:00 PM, right? That all depends on whether the little blue pill works as advertised. See you all next time!Combat Log Edited a year and a half later, I can't believe I made Waldorf call himself Statler in the first drat line Jazzimus Prime fucked around with this message at 06:05 on May 18, 2015 |
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Dec 10, 2013 07:10
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Oh hey this is still going! Well good work Jazz, looking forward to another season, presumably in 2019.
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Dec 11, 2013 05:23
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Yep it's always an unexpected treat to see an update to this. I really like Jazzimus' way of presenting them too, even if it does take a while to put together. We must have nearly reached the fights I've actually bet on now!
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Dec 11, 2013 14:22
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Round Four, Match Five Match Five, Junai (TurninTrix) vs. Pinball Wizard (Dallbun)  Hello again, and welcome to Talllabored Colosseum! I'm Al Michaels, here with my colleague John Madden. And yeah, you all did read that right, that's Talllabored with three L's in a row. Because it comes from the words "Tall" and "Labored". In the left corner for tonight's match is Junai, a female werewolf managed by TurninTrix. She's wielding a steel great axe in one hand and holding a wooden shield in the other, and she's wearing a bronze cap under a bronze helm, a copper mail shirt under a bronze breast plate, and a set of bronze leggings and gauntlets. She's protected pretty well, except for her feet. And now, this might come into play later, since the easiest way to bring down a big fighter is by crippling the feet or the legs, and a lot of times, if you can do that, that's enough to swing the momentum of the whole battle right there. In the right corner, the goblin Pinball Wizard, managed by Dallbun, has a steel crossbow and steel bolts for a weapon, but wears only an iron helm and a set of iron gauntlets! Now this, this right here is an interesting fighter build. Manager Dallbun took the ultimate "glass cannon" approach with this fighter. The glass archer build can sometimes pay off in a big way, like we saw here a few years ago when EagleEyed Prick the Elf took 3rd place out of 64 with this approach. Now, the way that fights involving guys like this usually work out, is that the melee guy charges while the archer guy stands there and shoots. And the archer guy usually has enough time to get off about three shots before the melee guy closes in. If the archer guy can cripple the big guy with one of those three shots, that's usually enough for the archer to win. But if he can't land a crippling shot in those three chances, it's usually bad news for him when the melee guy gets into melee range, because the archer guy isn't really built to handle melee. So what I think Pinball Wizard has to do here, is that he has to shoot for Junai's unprotected feet, and if he can land a hit and knock her down, he's got a great chance to win, and to move on in this tournament. Thanks for that analysis, John, and there's the bell! Junai charges with her axe held high in her right hand, while Pinball quickly loads his crossbow! As Junai sprints across the arena, Pinball fires his first shot, aiming low for the feet! This could be it! But showing superb reflexes, Junai leans over and reaches with her shield, and just barely manages to get it in place to block the crossbow bolt! And Junai's skill with a shield probably just kept her alive right there, because if that shot hits and she can't charge across the arena, she'd just be a sitting, uh, a sitting pincushion for Pinball and his crossbow to plink away at. Pinball has already reloaded, but Junai is now halfway across the arena! Pinball fires again! And this time, the shot connects with Junai's left arm! It looks like the bone might have been fractured, and she's in serious pain! And, and that was a really good idea there by Pinball to try to disable her shield arm, and he almost got it done. But Junai managed to hold on to her shield, and, and even though she's in pain here, she isn't slowing down. Pinball probably has one more chance here before he's in real trouble. But just as Pinball finishes reloading, Junai reaches melee range and raises her axe! Uh oh, Pinball took too long to reload! I don't think he's going to get off that third shot in time! You're right, John! Before Pinball can get his crossbow aimed, the werewolf brings her axe down, and chops off Pinball's right foot! And the goblin can still get one last shot off before this is over, but now he REALLY has to make it count, since he couldn't keep her out of melee range. He probably needs to land a head shot, or a heart shot, or, uh, maybe a spine-breaking paralyzing shot now to win this fight. Junai swings again while Pinball is trying to roll into position to take a shot, and severs the other foot! And Pinball better get that shot off quick, because he's bleeding out really quickly now. Pinball raises his crossbow to shoot, right as Junai crashes the pommel of her axe right down onto his eye! And, and that's going to make it really hard for him to aim that last shot right there. Junai tries to decapitate Pinball with a wild finishing swing, but Pinball rolls away! The blood loss is really starting to get to him now. Pinball rolls to his back, and fires his last shot! And he needs a miracle here! And the goblin's last-ditch shot is... BLOCKED again by Junai's shield! And, and I think that's all she wrote for this fight here. Junai swings her axe down at the prone Pinball a couple more times, chopping off his crossbow hand! And, uh, and I don't think there's any way at all he can come back from this now. You're right, John, as Pinball finally, mercifully, dies from his injuries. Junai advances to the quarterfinals! And you see, those are the risks that you take when you put an archer into the arena. If you can't cripple your opponent before your opponent reaches you, you really don't have the tools you need to win a melee fight, especially when that opponent is so much bigger than you. For John Madden, this is Al Michaels, saying goodnight from Talllabored Colosseum!Combat Log
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Dec 14, 2013 21:18
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Round Four, Match Six Match Six, Mrs. Vox (Bad Munki) vs. Dr Stranglelove (Anchors)  Welcome to the second half of our Saturday Arena Challenge Doubleheader! Maybe Jazzimus will have this round finished by the end of the year after all. I'm Gorilla Monsoon, alongside my broadcasting partner Jesse Ventura. This match comes to you live from Sirocco Gazebo in Syrupleaf, where the snowstorms have died down, a warm front has moved in, and the temperature has reached a balmy 14 degrees Fahrenheit! And that's minus 10 Centigrade for you freaks who measure it that way. This time of year is as close as it gets to anything like summer this close to the South Pole. In the left corner for tonight's match, Mrs. Vox the female troll wields a steel greataxe, but she's protected only by a wooden shield in the other hand and a steel mail shirt! That's not a whole lot of protection, Gino, but it seems like the bigger fighters can usually get away with that. And in the right corner, Dr Stranglelove the four-armed strangler is wielding two steel picks, holding one in his two right hands and one in his two left hands. He's wearing a bronze mail shirt, an adamantine helm, and four adamantine gauntlets, one on each hand! Both of these fighters are under new management since the start of the tournament, Gino. Dr Stranglelove has been a popular upset pick for this match, but I'm not sure that I buy it. There's the bell, and they're off! Dr Stranglelove looks a little faster out of the gate, Jesse. And it isn't just his running speed, Gino, he looks a whole lot quicker all-around! That he does, as he fakes an attack with one pick, causing Mrs. Vox to flinch back, and the strangler sinks the other pick right into her foot! That's just the start that every other little fighter has needed this tournament, but that none of them ever seem to get! Mrs. Vox can't put weight on her right foot, and she crashes to the arena floor! If you can get the big fighter to the ground, it's a whole different fight. But this one's far from over yet, Gino. From the floor, Mrs. Vox swings her axe viciously at Dr Stranglelove, but he jumps away! And there's that strangler quickness again! The little strangler stands just out of range, waving both of his picks threateningly! And Mrs. Vox is trying to sit back up so she can have a better position to fight back from! But Stranglelove leaps at the prone troll and sinks a pick into each arm! Mrs. Vox roars in pain as both arms are fractured! And the Syrupleaf crowd who braved the elements to watch this just literally exploded in cheers! Gino, the word "literally" doesn't... oh, never mind. While Mrs. Vox is stunned, Stranglelove swings again and knocks out the troll's left tusk! He's not giving her any opportunity to mount an attack here, or to even get back into a defensive position! The strangler tries to finish the fight by bringing both picks down at the troll's head, but she manages to get her shield up just in time to block! She's still holding on to her weapon and her shield, Gino. You can't count her out yet. You can NEVER count the bigger fighters out in these matches. Now the strangler backs away... then charges again, shattering Mrs. Vox's left tibia with one of his steel picks! Why not just call it the lower leg bone, smart guy? Because there are two bones between the patella and the tarsus -- the tibia and the fibula. And Dr. Stranglelove presses his advantage, and a blow to Mrs. Vox's weapon arm fractures the radius and severs the radial nerve! Thanks for the anatomy lesson, Dr. Gino. Will you stop that?! Mrs. Vox can't hold onto her weapon anymore, and the strangler immediately strikes again, fracturing the other tibia! Mrs. Vox is in terrible pain now. All her limbs are broken! I don't see how she can stay conscious much longer. Finally, with the troll lying near-helpless on the arena floor, the strangler brings his picks down on the troll's face, and it's all over! I didn't think it could be done, Gino, but the little strangler brought down a fighter eight times his size, and now he's in the quarterfinals! So for Jesse Ventura, this is Gorilla Monsoon, saying goodnight from Sirocco Gazebo in Syrupleaf, where Dr. Stranglelove has advanced to the next round!Combat Log
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Dec 15, 2013 00:36
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In your face, Bad Munki!
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Dec 15, 2013 00:48
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drat, that little Strangler is a vicious fucker.
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Dec 15, 2013 00:56
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Man, I'm always amazed at how well Dr Stranglelove does.
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Dec 15, 2013 01:43
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I must have been handed a poo poo build to work with, that's the only explanation! Under normal circumstances, my fighters are always wildly successful!
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Dec 15, 2013 01:49
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Picks are pretty great if they connect.
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Dec 15, 2013 01:53
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Now I am become Death, the strangler of worlds.
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Dec 15, 2013 04:38
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Holy Crap. Junai's match put me in the top five richest bettors!
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Dec 17, 2013 18:13
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Oh right, I think I always bet against myself, so this might not have been a total loss... Bettee: Dr. Stranglelove Result: WON Bet Amount: 1752.00 Opponent: Mrs. Vox Payout: 3233.97 Not a ton, but better than nothing!
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Dec 17, 2013 19:42
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Round Four, Match Seven Match Seven, McGruff the Crime Hound (Pure Kamikaze) vs. Barrelbum (FebrezeNinja)  Welcome to another edition of Arena Challenge, coming to you live from Holistic Detective Arena in Headshoots! As your guest hosts for Arena Challenge just for this one night only, to make good on an old bet with Jazzimus Prime that we never should have made, I'm Penn Jillette, alongside my colleague and fellow illusionist Raymond Teller. And tonight we have... a werewolf and a tiger-man. Uh... this doesn't look like any kind of kickboxing match I've ever seen. I'm hoping these are just costumes, and this is all some kind of joke. So... in the left corner, McGruff the Crime Hound, a male werewolf, is wearing a silver helm, two layered mail shirts -- one bronze, one silver -- beneath a set of leather armor, leather leggings, and bronze high boots, and wields a... uh... large steel dagger. And, uh... Jazzimus never said anything about weapons. And in the right corner, Barrelbum, a male tigerman, wields -- holy poo poo -- a steel halberd in one hand and a wooden shield in the other, and wears a set of iron armor -- a helm, a mail shirt beneath a breastplate, greaves, gauntlets, and low boots. And I'd be saying the same thing if I hadn't signed that stupid loving contract before making that bet, Teller, but I'm afraid there's no backing out of this now. There's the bell, and the fight is underway! The fighters charge to the center of the arena, McGruff the werewolf just ever-so-slightly faster than the tigerman! And McGruff lands the first blow, stabbing Barrelbum in the leg with his dagger! Oh poo poo, blood sprays everywhere, and Barrelbum roars in pain! I think he chipped the leg bone! Barrelbum is hurting, but he bravely continues to stand on his injured leg and keeps on fighting! Now Barrelbum charges at McGruff! He slashes his huge loving halberd down at the werewolf's left paw -- foot -- or whatever thing it is that werewolves stand on, and then collides right into him and knocks him flat on the floor! Barrelbum tries to skewer the prone werewolf with a stab from his halberd, but the wolf-man parries! And Barrelbum stabs again, but McGruff rolls away from the strike! And I guess I really, really, REALLY had no idea what I had signed Teller and myself up for! McGruff stabs at Barrelbum from the ground, but the tiger-man blocks with his shield! Barrelbum tries to counter, but misses! Oh, the tension in the arena here is so thick, you could cut it with the blades that I didn't know these fighters were gonna have! McGruff braces himself to try to stand up, but Barrelbum quickly swings the axe blade of the halberd and slices open the wolf-man's arm! Blood sprays everywhere! Oh, gently caress, I think some of it even got up here in the booth! It's on my FACE! Now Barrelbum strikes again, but McGruff parries with his dagger! Then McGruff slashes his left claw at the tigerman's face, but only manages to connect with metal armor, and the strike is completely ineffective. As McGruff tries to recover from his miss... oh poo poo oh gently caress oh HELL, Barrelbum takes advantage of the opening, and stabs his halberd deep into McGruff's belly! McGruff throws up all over the nice clean arena floor! Now Barrelbum brings down his halberd at the same spot again, and... AUGH... slices open McGruff's belly! His guts spill out all over the arena floor! Ughh... I... I... I'd sure hate to be the janitors that have to clean up all of this blood and gore and, uh... effluvia! McGruff is in too much pain to mount an effective defense, and Barrelbum chops the wolf-man's left leg off at the knee! I don't think he'll be standing back up again this fight, ladies and gentlemen. From the floor, McGruff weakly tries to attack, but Barrelbum blocks with the shield, then swings his halberd again twice in quick succession! McGruff's left hand is completely severed, and his right hand is mangled badly enough to cause him to drop his dagger! McGruff looks at his own spilled intestines and retches... and I don't blame him, because I think I'm about to do the same! And there's a huge, huge pool of blood on the arena floor, and I think most of it is McGruff's... but a little bit of it is probably Barrelbum's from that first strike that cut open his leg, and... I'm feeling sick. And now Barrelbum stabs McGruff right in the liver, a liver which I may note is EXPOSED to the air for all of us to see through McGruff's slit-open belly... and Barrelbum TWISTS THE HALBERD AROUND! Oh loving fuckity gently caress gently caress gently caress this is brutal and horrible and just not right! Barrelbum stabs again with the point of his halberd, chipping one of the werewolf's leg bones! McGruff, bravely fighting to the end... and showing more strength than I probably have just from watching this... swings his one mangled claw at Barrelbum's face but doesn't even come close to connecting! And Barrelbum stabs McGruff in that mangled claw again, and... and finally, mercifully, McGruff has bled out, after having suffered like no sentient being should ever have to! Oh, if you'll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be sick, and I'm even more sure that Teller and I will NEVER be doing this again. We HONESTLY had no idea what we were getting ourselves into with this, and we believed that liar and fraud and all-around SHITHEAD Jazzimus when he told us that this was "pretty much the same thing as UFC". So for my colleague Raymond Teller, I'm Penn Jillette, and good night from us for the first and LAST time here from Holistic Detective Arena in Headshoots!Combat Log Jazzimus Prime fucked around with this message at 07:32 on Dec 21, 2013 |
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Dec 21, 2013 07:12
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Beautiful. Teller's commentary is all I hoped it would be and so much more.
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Dec 21, 2013 10:25
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Ahahahahahahaha! Love the guest commentators. I have not been betting dorfbux, but if I did I would be putting all of my money on Barrelbum. Halberds are the greatest melee weapon this world has ever seen. Ignite Memories fucked around with this message at 18:30 on Dec 21, 2013 |
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Dec 21, 2013 15:01
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That commentary 
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Dec 21, 2013 17:48
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I'm rich! And a quarter-finalist! That fight was exactly what I was waiting for. That opening shot was worrying, but I guess one good leg's enough.
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Dec 21, 2013 18:04
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A friendly reminder to ZeeToo, longgonejohn, Clockwork Gadget, TurninTrix, Anchors, and FebrezeNinja: You can spend your fighter's victory points now! You don't have to wait until the end of the round. Speaking of which... the next match, which will conclude Round Four, features Dies Horribly the goblin vs. Pip the tigerman! Will Dies Horribly continue his improbable historic run through the tournament that started with the play-in battle royale over two years ago, or will Pip's sheer size be too much to overcome? Stay tuned!
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Dec 22, 2013 08:27
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 Why are you bothering me? What's this thing you keep talking about? It's "Let's Play Arena Challenge", Mr. Heenan. And just what exactly is "Let's Play" supposed to mean? Well, it's, uh... this thing where people watch other people play video games on the internet, and sometimes the viewers even participate. Are people's lives really that empty and utterly devoid of meaning these days? Uh... it's a hobby just like any other. And please don't insult the viewers. Why do you need me for this, anyway? We're doing the final match of the round on Christmas Day, and Jesse Ventura isn't available that day to work with Gorilla Monsoon. Oh, I see. He's too busy starting another failed political movement? He's out of town on a Christmas vacation with his family, actually. So will you do it? Oh, fine, fine. Hey, all you LP'ers out there in internet land, I'm Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, and if any of you have any brains at all, which I doubt you do, you'll tune in for our Christmas Day match, featuring me, the Brain.
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Dec 22, 2013 11:03
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I'd follow you anywhere Mr. Heenan.
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Dec 22, 2013 11:45
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The next commentary should be even more amazing.
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Dec 22, 2013 16:12
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Roctavian has been updated for next round. Using all my points to get to level 15 in biting was probably the best choice.
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Dec 23, 2013 00:03
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This is gonna be great! I won't be able to view the results until the 26th, but I await the results with anticipation!
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Dec 23, 2013 18:04
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Round Four, Match Eight Match Eight, Dies Horribly (rickvoid) vs. Pip (CommaToes)  Hello everyone, and a VERY Merry Christmas to you all from Gemclod Arena, right here in front of a sellout crowd of 92,713, the site of the last fight to qualify for the quarterfinals! I'm Gorilla Monsoon, and with me today is Bobby "The Brain" Heenan! And what better way to celebrate peace on Earth and goodwill towards mankind than with blood, death, and destruction? Sounds good to me! Stop that! And I'd like to extend our most sincere holiday greetings to all of you nerds out there in internet-land watching this on 4chan or on Reddit or whatever. That would be the Something Awful forums, you ignorant weasel. Like I said, whatever. 4chan, Reddit, Something Awful... they're all the same. Will you stop?! You're insulting the audience when their page-views are paying your salary! Well, they could stand to pay a little more, Gorilla. I have more than one family to feed, and a lot of ex-wives to pay alimony to. I wonder why they ever left you, Brain. What are your thoughts on tonight's match? I'm glad you asked. Dies Horribly the goblin is a very good friend of mine. He and I go way back. In fact, I taught him everything he knows about the arena. Oh, really, is that so? I'm pretty sure that RickVoid, his manager, taught him everything. RickVoid might be his manager, Gorilla, but Rick didn't teach him anything; I did. I know a lot about winning in the arena, Gorilla. As a matter of fact, my right foot is still sore today from all the rear end I kicked in the 1980s. But to get back to your original question, my good friend Dies Horribly is my pick to win tonight, and to go on and win the entire tournament. Well, we'll see about that, since he has his work cut out for him tonight... where he's up against a tigerman, a fighter from a much, much, MUCH bigger weight class! And not only that, but the crowd will all be against him tonight, Brain! What? What are you talking about? Nobody mentioned anything about that to me. Credit for the illustration of Arena weight classes -- or lack thereof -- goes to Boing The fighters are making their way to the arena! Making his way to the left corner, Dies Horribly the goblin is wielding a steel pick in one hand and has a copper shield in the other, and he's wearing a copper cap under a copper helm, and an iron mail shirt under a silver breastplate! Just look at him, Gorilla! That's the look of a guy who learned from the best, and who knows how to win in the arena! This is a single-elimination tournament, Brain! The only fighters LEFT in this thing are the ones who know how to win in the arena! But he's the only one who had to win a battle royale! Did I mention that I taught him everything he knows? And now, making his way to the right corner to a HUGE round of applause from the crowd, Pip the tigerman wields a steel short sword in his off-hand, and a steel two-handed sword in his main hand! Hey, HEY! This isn't fair! He's CHEATING! You can't hold a two-handed sword in one hand! Well, you can if you're that big, Brain. It's not cheating. Yes it is! I know all about cheating. I've had six very successful marriages! The applause continues for Pip, and grows even louder for his beloved manager Commatoes, who was the Baron here at Gemclod for well over a decade! CommaToes himself follows his fighter into the building, stopping just outside of the ring, and the crowd of 92,713 dwarves goes bananas, giving their former Baron a standing ovation! Baron of Gemclod, hah! More like a cripple who never left his bed for 15 years! Like it or not, Brain, Pip is a huge hometown favorite! Pip wears an iron helm, an iron breast plate, iron gauntlets, iron leggings, and a pair of bronze low boots. And most importantly of all, he's more than twice Dies's size! This isn't fair to Dies! Jazzimus rigged this, he probably doesn't want Dies to win! All these matches are randomly determined at the start of each round, and the random draw is witnessed by a group of several impartial observers. You call them impartial, I call them paid off! I wasn't there to witness anything. And besides, Dies was lucky enough to fight mostly smaller fighters in the first few rounds. You didn't complain when Dies was beating up on stranglers and ant-people earlier in the tournament! Hey, those ant-people knew exactly what they were signing up for! And so did Dies. Tell me something, Gorilla. Just what exactly is a tiger-man anyway? Does this have anything to do with those "Furry" perverts? I don't think an arena tigerman is really the same thing as a furry, Brain... Sure it is! Just how the HELL do you end up with something that's half-human and half-tiger anyway? Maybe we should go ask the weirdos over at the Anime forum, I bet they'd probably know what's involved. On second thought, I'm not sure I really want to know. Will you STOP?!?! There's the bell, and the fighters are off! They charge towards the center of the arena! Dies is just a little bit faster than Pip! Dies can win this. I know he can! Now Pip lowers his shoulder, headed straight for Dies, undoubtedly having learned from all the earlier fights that bigger fighters win by knocking the smaller guys down! This isn't fair, Gorilla. There oughta be weight classes! Dies shows a perfect sense of timing, as just before they collide, Dies strikes first, and lands a perfect wide-arcing swing with his pick to the back of Pip's leg! YES! YES! YES! Hahahahaha, I knew he had it in him! What did I tell you? I told you Dies could win this thing! Pip crashes to the floor, no longer able to stand! That last hit opened up his lower femoral artery and tore apart his gastrocnemius! You know, Gorilla, I thought I had a case of gastro-nemius the other day, but it turned out it was just some bad clams I'd had for lunch. What? Never mind. Now Dies stands over Pip and raises his pick high above his head with both hands, ready to sink it into Pip's head and put an early end to this match! Just like I taught him, Gorilla! Press that advantage, and end the fight early! But before Dies can bring his pick down, Pip stabs with his short sword, and runs Dies's foot right through! Blood sprays everywhere, and Dies Horribly falls to the arena floor as well, no longer able to stand! OH NO! NO NO NO NO NO! This isn't fair! This isn't fair at all! Oh, my apologies, everyone, but I just don't think I can be impartial tonight. When have you ever been impartial?! Pip pulls himself up to a sitting position and raises his arms to work the crowd, and the audience here just went strictly bananas! "Strictly bananas"? What's that even supposed to mean? It looks from up here like that stab severed Dies's anterior annular ligament and his saphenous nerve! Where do you get the names of all these body parts? It just so happens that I've studied anatomy. You're welcome to try and name the body parts yourself if you want, Brain. Okay, then, I will. From the ground, Dies kicks with his good foot, and gets Pip square in the uterus! That's his left tricep, Brain, and male fighters don't... oh, just forget what I said about trying it yourself. Both fighters are on the ground, in pain, both trying to sit up so they can mount an offense! Well, at least Pip can't charge and knock down Dies anymore! That's true, Brain, but Dies is already down and not getting back up anyway. Only because Pip fought dirty and took out Dies's feet! Like Jesse Ventura once said, there's no such thing as fighting dirty when you're fighting for your life in the arena! Now Dies sits up and swings his pick from the ground, but Pip parries! And Pip tries to counter, but misses! Dies can still do this! I believe in him! Pip strikes again with his greatsword! But he's unable to land the cutting edge from his position on the floor, and smashes Dies with the flat of the blade instead, knocking Dies out of his sitting position and onto his back again and leaving a nasty bruise! The crowd roars, they're literally hanging from the rafters here! I knew they had it out for Dies! This match was fixed! He never had a chance! It isn't fair! Dies grits his teeth in pain, but rolls over and swings his pick as hard as he can, and connects! The pick goes right through Pip's tibia and fibula, and his left leg is nearly severed at the knee, and the crowd goes quiet! YES! What did I just tell you? He can still do this! Pip swings again with his greatsword, but misses! Then Dies swings his pick again, but Pip rolls right on top of Dies to avoid the blow! NO! Oh, NO! NO NO NO NO NO! This isn't fair! He's cheating again! He's using his size! This isn't fair! Yes it is! Not to Dies, it isn't! Pip furrows his brow, and scowls, and looks like he's ready to grapple with Dies to put an end to this match! That's not fair at all! How are you supposed to grapple with a guy twice your size? Pip glances at the swords in each of his own two hands, and decides he's not willing to grapple if it means letting go of one of his weapons while his foe is pinned underneath him! Well.. this isn't fair either! Pip stabs down at the ground, but Dies twists his body away at the last second, and the strike just misses! Pip's sword is stuck in the arena floor! YEAH! Just like I taught you, Dies! Nobody believes that you taught him anything, Brain. Pip yanks his arm and and pulls his short sword out of the mortar in the arena floor, giving Dies a chance to swing his pick from underneath! Dies is gonna END THIS RIGHT HERE, Gorilla! But Pip dodges, rolling away from the strike! Brilliant! That's just exactly how Dies planned it! Now he doesn't have 700 pounds of furry tiger-pervert on top of him anymore! Will you STOP?! Both fighters are still unable to stand, due to their leg injuries, and Pip is starting to get pale from blood loss, with both of his lower femoral arteries having been cut open earlier! Hey, can I make up names for body parts again, like you're doing? I'm not making up any names, and NO YOU CAN'T. Dies swings again but Pip parries! Both of them are still fighting from the floor, as neither fighter is able to stand! Oh, I don't think my heart can take it, Gorilla! I hate these close matches! If Dies were still on his feet, this fight would already be over. Now Pip rolls over and tries to bring his greatsword down on Dies again! Oh NO! Oh please God, I swear I'll never ask you for anything else ever again, just please, please, PLEASE let Dies pull this out! Dies rolls over and gets his shield up at the last second to block! Then, quick as a cat, Dies counters, and his pick takes off Pip's right hand! Pip's greatsword crashes to the floor, and blood sprays everywhere from the ulnar and radial arteries! This Gemclod crowd goes dead silent, seeing that their hometown favorite CommaToes's fighter is in real trouble! Hahahahaha! YES! I KNEW it! I KNEW he could pull this out! Take that, Gorilla! Eat it, Jazzimus! But it's not over yet! Pip strikes at Dies and HITS... no, it's BLOCKED! Dies has blocked again with his shield! YES!!!! Yes yes yes yes yes yes YES! Dies is showing newfound strength, and Pip doesn't have much left! You may be right, Brain, as Pip is too weak from blood loss now to do much of anything! Dies may be battered, and bloodied, and unable to stand on his feet, Gorilla... but he's rolled back up to a sitting position, and he's ready to finish this off! That he has, Brain! Using all of his strength, he raises his pick high above his head! He's going for the big finish! Dies's pick comes crashing down! Pip tries to roll away at the last second, but can't quite get out of the way, and Dies's pick chops off Pip's tail! More blood sprays all over the arena floor, and Pip finally stops moving, and it's all over! YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!! Yes! The bell rings, and the fight is over, and Dies has done it again! Pip has bled to death! You know something, Gorilla? I really, really, really, REALLY hate to be the kind of guy who says "I told you so", but... I TOLD YOU SO! This tournament isn't over, Brain! Can he win again next round to make the Final Four? Can he win three more matches and take the title crown? You just watch! We'll see. For Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, this is Gorilla Monsoon, and good night and Merry Christmas from Gemclod Arena, where Round 4 has ended, and Dies Horribly has secured the last quarterfinals spot!Combat Log
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Dec 25, 2013 23:48
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Holy poo poo that was the best match yet, both in commentary and action.
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Dec 25, 2013 23:54
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