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Uba Stij posted:That never seemed as funny to me as moving the furniture around. They screw doorknobs to the walls.
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Dec 3, 2013 06:48
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tehloki posted:I have crafted this idea into a joke Well done sir. Lurken posted:Excuse me sir, I learned the joke from the classic comedy series known as Scrubs and you are wrong. Furthermore Man I love dumb kids jokes.
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Dec 3, 2013 06:59
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death .cab for qt posted:They screw doorknobs to the walls. I think we found a winner!
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Dec 3, 2013 08:15
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Kaizoku posted:I think we found a winner! Nah, that one's the worst one. The other two make more sense. She knows where the doors in the house are. The one about moving furniture around is the best. Even the toilet one doesn't make sense because a deaf-blind person is going to check to make sure the seat is up or down each time, and I imagine they touch the back of the toilet rather than the seat itself to check, so that they don't get pee on their hands, and if they do that, they're likely to come into contact with the plunger.
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Dec 3, 2013 08:33
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MoFauxHawk posted:Nah, that one's the worst one. The other two make more sense. She knows where the doors in the house are. The one about moving furniture around is the best. Wow. I love the amount of thought you're putting into these. Can we think of more ways to gently caress with Helen Keller?
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Dec 3, 2013 08:38
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Kaizoku posted:Wow. I love the amount of thought you're putting into these. Can we think of more ways to gently caress with Helen Keller? Mouse traps. Mouse traps everywhere.
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Dec 3, 2013 08:58
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Dross posted:You told it wrong. It's supposed to go: A: Feeling depressed, the skeleton went alone to a bar. Q: Who ordered a drink and a mop?
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Dec 3, 2013 10:43
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I was planning on reading the whole thread before posting to make sure I wasn't repeating any, but since there's been plenty of repeats by page 10, I'll just post. ------------- Mick and Paddy are unemployed. One day, they're in the Job Centre, and the woman behind the desk says to them "Now, what sort of work are you after?" Mick says "Oh, anything we can do, really. Factory, farm work, that sort 'o thing." The adviser nods, and says "Alright, I think I've got something. The lumber mill is looking for tree fellers." Paddy shakes his head. "Oh, no. That does sound grand, but that's not going to work." Mick nods sadly, and says "There's only two o' us." --------------- A blind man walks into a bar, orders a drink and starts talking with what sounds like an attractive woman sitting next to him. Deciding to try a joke, he says "Ok, so this blonde walks into a bar-" The woman says "Wait, let me stop you there. First of all, I'm blonde. My two friends? Also blonde. The bartender is blonde, the waitress is blonde, the chef is blonde. Both bouncers are blonde. And the rugby team you can hear celebrating in the corner? Blonde. Now, do you really want to finish that joke?" The blind man considers this, and says "No, you're right, that would be a bad idea. I don't want to explain it twenty times." ---------------- An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman have broken out of prison, and are on the run from the police. They duck into an alleyway, only to find it's a dead end, with the law hot on their heels. Fortunately, the Englishman finds some sacks in the alleyway, and says "Quick, hide in these!". So they do, and just in time. The police begin searching the alleyway, and one officer looks at the sack the Englishman is hiding in, then gives it a kick. Thinking fast, the Englishman responds "Woof! Woof!". The officer shrugs. "Just a dog in a sack." Another officer comes upon the Scotsman's sack, and gives it a kick. Following the Englishman's lead, the Scotsman goes "Meow! Hiss!". The policeman dismisses it. "Just a cat in a sack." And then they come upon the Irishman's sack, and give it a kick. "Potatoes!" --------------- And so, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were all caught, re-imprisoned, and sentenced to death by guillotine. The Englishman goes first. He is dragged to the block, made to kneel, and closes his eyes as the lever is pulled. There's a whoosh and then a wooden thud as the blade gets stuck half-way down. The executioners reset the apparatus, and try again. Once again, the blade gets stuck. After a third time, the executioner declares "If the blade stops three times, it's clear God does not want this man dead." and the Englishman is allowed to live. The Scotsman goes next, feeling a glimmer of hope that maybe he will be spared as well. Sure enough, once, twice, three times the blade gets stuck half-way down, and he is allowed to live. Finally, it's the Irishman's turn. He walks to the guillotine, kneels down, and with a whoosh-thud, the blade gets stuck. It happens a second time, and then, the Irishman says "Oh, wait! I can see what's stopping it!" -------------- A man is in a bar, alone save for the bartender, when he hears a little voice that says "I like your shirt." He looks around. The bartender has his back turned, and it didn't sound like him, but anyway the man asks "did you just say something?" The bartender turns around, and says "Huh? No, it wasn't me." The little voice says again "That's a nice cologne." The man can see the bartender's face this time, it definitely wasn't him. Feeling confused, and blaming it on the drinks, he wanders over to the quiz machine. The screen flashes up ***You look like a rapist!*** "What?" the man declares, and presses a button. The message changes to ***And a pedo, too!** The man staggers back to the bar, and once again hears the little voice "Who does your hair?" This time, he manages to pinpoint the source. It's coming from the dish of peanuts, near his elbow. He looks to the bartender, and says "Am I crazy? The peanuts keep saying nice things to me, but the quiz machine is horrible!" The bartender says "Ah, that explains it. The nuts are complimentary, but the quiz machine is out of order.
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Dec 3, 2013 11:36
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Masonic Youth posted:Well, not alone. But two can, if they squeeze in real tight. They could grip it by the husk.
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Dec 4, 2013 07:23
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Kaizoku posted:Wow. I love the amount of thought you're putting into these. Can we think of more ways to gently caress with Helen Keller? Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead.
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Dec 4, 2013 10:49
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Not The Wendigo posted:Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead. I've always heard that as Because she's a woman.
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Dec 4, 2013 11:43
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Cross posted from an EN thread: Squeakyneb's sitting on a stool in a coffee shop, when this zit-ridden but cute 38 year old woman comes up, sits next to him, and says "I'm kinky, are you kinky too?" He says "Yeah, I'm kinky." She says "let's go be kinky at my place, then." He says sure, and they head to her place. She leads him in, and half the room is blocked off behind a velvet curtain. She says "Wait here, I'll go get ready." She disappears behind the curtain, and the sounds of zippers, buttons, stretching rubber, creaking leather, and locks clicking emanate. Five minutes pass, and the motorized curtain starts to slide open. She's strapped to a cross, covered head to toe in leather and latex and Lycra. She sees Squeakyneb fully dressed, getting ready to open the door. "Where are you going? I thought we were going to be kinky together!" Squeakyneb replies "I'm already done!" "You're already done? What do you mean?" Squeakyneb says "What more can I do, lady? I already poo poo in your handbag and jacked off into your shampoo!"
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Dec 4, 2013 12:12
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34 pages in and haven't seen this one, but I was reminded of it by another there. An Irishman is in a pub in London, when he hears an Irish accent to the side of him call out "Another Guinness!" He turns, and says to the other patron "Excuse me, I just overheard your accent. It's good to meet another Irishman, away from home." "Oh, indeed. Good to meet you. It's been too long since I was back on the Emerald Isle." "Me too, me too. I was only a boy, when my father moved the family here." "Well what a coincidence, that's just what happened with me! I came over in ninety-two..." "Me too! Why, I was only eight at the time..." "Me too! I still have fond memories of Dublin though..." "Me too! I grew up in the south side..." "Me too! Went to St. Patrick's Primary School..." "Me too! Do you remember old Professor Morgan" At this point, a new patron who has overheard this gives the bartender a funny look. the bartender shakes his head, and says "Don't bother. It's always like this when the Murphy Twins are drunk."
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Dec 4, 2013 13:29
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Hey, did you guys hear about the new wooden car? With a wooden engine, a wooden chassis, and wooden wheels? It wooden go.
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Dec 4, 2013 19:52
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A man goes to see a doctor, a frog sticking out of his forehead. "Ooooooo..kay," says the doctor "care tell me how this happened?" "Well," said the frog "it started with a boil on my rear end.."
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Dec 4, 2013 22:06
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What do you get if you sleep under a cow? A pat on the head. What do you get from an angry shark? The hell away. What's black and white and red all over? a sunburnt penguin. What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's black and white and red all over? A nun in a strip club. What's brown and not so sticky? A twig. What's black and white and red all over? The Times. What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What's black and white, black and white, black and white, red? A nun falling down the stairs. What's blue and fluffy? Cold pink fluff. What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white? A nun falling down the up escalator. What's green and turns pink at the flick of a switch? A frog milkshake in a blender. What's pink and hard in the morning? The Financial Times Crossword What's pink and turns green at the flick of a switch? Mum when she saw the blender.
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Dec 5, 2013 14:25
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So that barrage of terrible jokes reminds me of a couple I got from a friend. Some of these may have already been covered. What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint How did Hellen Keller break her arm? Trying to read road signs What did Hellen Keller think of the cheese grater she got as a gift? It was the worst book she'd ever read
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Dec 5, 2013 18:37
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I have just discovered this hopefully this isnt one here already It was Christmas eve A couple was doing a last minute shopping trip when the wife notices her husband has disappeared, so she phones him. "Where are you?" She says In a calm voice he replies " Darling remember the jewellery shop we went in 5 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and that I have always promised I would get you?" Her eyes filled with tears she says "Yes I remember" He replies "Well I'm in the pub next door"
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Dec 7, 2013 13:16
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Well, since we're still doing these, What did Helen Keller say at the polls? "Our democracy is but a name. We vote? What does that mean? It means that we choose between two bodies of real, though not avowed, autocrats. We choose between Tweedledum and Tweedledee … You ask for votes for women. What good can votes do when ten-elevenths of the land of Great Britain belongs to 200,000 and only one-eleventh to the rest of the 40,000,000? Have your men with their millions of votes freed themselves from this injustice?"
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Jan 17, 2014 20:44
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But nobody could understand her mumbling and flailing, and so her point remains unmade. Isn't that a riot?
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Jan 17, 2014 20:56
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You do realize that's an actual Helen Keller quote, right?
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Jan 17, 2014 21:02
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Ben Murphy has a new favorite as of 13:31 on Sep 20, 2014 |
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Jan 17, 2014 21:06
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I told some friends the moth story the other day, and the next day the one guy emailed me asking me if the moth managed to get the help he needed. The answer I gave him, of course, that the podiatrist recommended a good affordable counselor and the moth is making great strides in overcoming his depression. 
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Jan 18, 2014 03:12
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Gay Abortions posted:You do realize that's an actual Helen Keller quote, right? This ain't the poignant quote thread, poigndexter. 
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Jan 20, 2014 14:29
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RillAkBea posted:This ain't the poignant quote thread, poigndexter. I see you tagged your response correctly, thank you for acknowledging the obviousness of the joke inherent in flipping the expectations present in a standard Helen Keller joke by use of the common un-joke method. Now, for content, how many goons does it take to drive a joke into the ground? 3, 1 to make a joke, 1 to not get it, and 1 to report then both for being unfunny fucks.
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Jan 20, 2014 17:41
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Gay Abortions posted:I see you tagged your response correctly, thank you for acknowledging the obviousness of the joke inherent in flipping the expectations present in a standard Helen Keller joke by use of the common un-joke method. I think the problem is that while there may be a "standard helen keller joke", its not as widely known as say your "Knock knock" or "Why did the X cross the road", so your attempted subversion comes off more like just saying stuff one after another. I'm from the UK, I've never heard a helen keller joke, I'm vaguely aware that helen keller is blind but beyond that... It may not be the universal touchstone you believe it to be. Either that or you just arent funny. Definately one of those 2 things.
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Jan 20, 2014 20:01
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Helen Keller jokes are very common in the US and everybody knows who she is here unless they are completely out of touch.
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Jan 20, 2014 20:12
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Also there's a bunch of them in this thread.
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Jan 20, 2014 20:15
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When is the best time to visit the dentist? Tooth:hurty
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Jan 20, 2014 22:49
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Synonamess Botch posted:Helen Keller jokes are very common in the US and everybody knows who she is here unless they are completely out of touch. This is like when George Carlin died and America went "woe, oh woe, our finest comedian and social commentator has passed from this mortal coil", and the rest of the world went "oh hey I guess the guy from Bill & Ted died?"
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Jan 20, 2014 23:19
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Untasid posted:When is the best time to visit the dentist? When does Sean Connery usually show up to Wimbledon? Tennish
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Jan 21, 2014 14:06
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Buzkashi posted:When does Sean Connery usually show up to Wimbledon? Does Sean Connery enjoy garnishes? Only parsley
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Jan 21, 2014 16:56
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1redflag posted:Does Sean Connery enjoy garnishes? Idgi.. Can a native english speaker elaborate? I get it's to do with the pronunciation, but I don't know what it's supposed to play off.
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Jan 21, 2014 21:02
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Tias posted:Idgi.. Can a native english speaker elaborate? I get it's to do with the pronunciation, but I don't know what it's supposed to play off. Parsley = Partially
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Jan 21, 2014 21:09
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Tias posted:Idgi.. Can a native english speaker elaborate? I get it's to do with the pronunciation, but I don't know what it's supposed to play off. Parsley, partially.
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Jan 21, 2014 21:09
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Why did the elephant paint his balls red? to hide in the cherry tree. What is the loudest sound in the jungle? the giraffe eating cherries
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Jan 21, 2014 22:33
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What do you get when you cross a reluctant agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who loses sleep worrying about the existence of a dog.
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Jan 26, 2014 18:26
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Alpacalips Now posted:What do you get when you cross a reluctant agnostic and a dyslexic? Variant I heard was "Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic who had dyslexia?"
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Jan 31, 2014 12:31
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Lets Pickle posted:Why did the elephant paint his balls red? You forgot the middle part: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? See, it works!
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Feb 1, 2014 00:49
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My wife's left me because of my obsession with mispronouncing Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes. She'll be back.
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Feb 1, 2014 15:56
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