Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

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Robindaybird: Aug 21, 2007; Neat. Sweet. Petite.

Piers Anthony posted:

Forrest said.
Dawn said
Eve added.
Forrest said.

For once in my life, I am actually suggesting that someone to actually use a Thesaurus because you don't need to use 'said' every. flippin' time.

# ? Jan 15, 2014 23:03

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# ? Jun 7, 2024 22:15

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

Robindaybird posted:

For once in my life, I am actually suggesting that someone to actually use a Thesaurus because you don't need to use 'said' every. flippin' time.

"Eve added".

# ? Jan 15, 2014 23:11

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 10. Forrest explains who they are to Ida, who has her own toroidal moon here. The twins insult it by referring to it as a donut, when its name is in fact Torus.

quote:

"Oh, we're sorry," Dawn said, blushing a modest blue.

"Extremely sorry," Eve agreed, blushing an immodest blue. "We're so ignorant."

Forrest knew that this was at least in part an act, similar to their flirtation with him, but it was nevertheless impressive. The twins were very good at manners.

Ida has been confined to her island by the Blue Wizard. They hope to find how to proceed, and while Ida has no idea how to stop the Wizard, she does have a guess as to that part. She believes the answer lies on Torus, with the Ida who lives there. That is, after all, why the Wizard confined her to an island enchanted to keep all other creatures of Pyramid away. The spell apparently never considered people from other worlds. They also learn that Ida has no idea what Xanth is. When it is explained, she suggests they check to see if there's an Ida above it. They offer to trade information on Torus to Ida in exchange for visiting, so no one has to lose mass. They use the soul spell to go to Torus, just as before. Imbri lands them vaguely near Ida with her night mare homing powers. They end up landing near a tangle tree, one armored with dragon scales.

quote:

But the two girls, heedless of their own safety, drew two sharp little knives he hadn't known they carried, and reached up to stab at the tentacle from either side. One must have gotten a point past the armor, because suddenly the tree squealed in pain or outrage, and the tentacle hauled Forrest up twice as high. Then two more tentacles whipped out and wrapped around the girls. They screamed as they too were hauled into the air.

"Ooooh, this is worse than I thought," Eve cried, as she reached up to touch a metal scale. "The tree has eaten many dragons, and saved their scales to make it impervious."

Dawn reached up similarly. "And it has healing elixir in its sap, so that it heals as fast as it is injured."

"Look at that trunk!" Eve cried. "It has mirrors to make it almost invisible."

"And it has the strength of a sphinx," Dawn said, gleaning more information from the living part of the tentacle she touched.

"If the trunk is also protected by dragon scales," Eve said, "then it can't be burned, even by salamander fire."

"And it has a voice, and can talk," Dawn said.

"For sure," the tree said. "Now which of you delectable creatures shall I chomp first?"

Forrest escapes via the blanket of obscurity, and the tree tries to hunt him down, filling the area with tentacles. It actually pulls out a sword to help.

quote:

Then Dawn tried a new tack. "I know all about you, tangler," she called. "You lied. You're not Torus's worst dream. What about the Golem King?"

The whole tree shuddered. "I will eat you first, you impertinent creature," it said. "You look delicious." The tentacle started to swing toward the trunk.

"I am delicious," Dawn retorted. "But you don't deserve me, because the Golem King is worse than you, and he should get me."

The tentacle hesitated. "You're bluffing," the tree said. "You don't know anything about the Golem King."

Forrest made his way toward her. If he could throw the blanket over her before she got eaten, the tree would lose track of her too.

"Yes I do!" Dawn said. The tree didn't know that she was reading all this information from its own partly living wooden flesh. "The Golem King can make golems in a second. He can make golems like people, and like tangle trees, and like dragons, and he can make them life size or gnat size. He's a golem himself-and so are you, you big fake!"

"Aieeee!" the tree screamed.

"And if he ever got hold of a pretty living girl like me, he wouldn't eat me, he'd marry me," Dawn concluded triumphantly. "Because he's lonely down in the earth region where he lives, because nobody else will go there. He's cunning and can change his form instantly, but he has no company, and that's what he wants most of all. So when he finds out that you caught me and ate me, instead of turning me over to him, he'll destroy you with one flick of his finger. Or maybe turn you into a golem privy potty."

"Or a golem sphinx dropping," Eve added, tittering.

It almost worked. The tree shuddered, and the three captives were lowered toward the ground. But then it recovered some of its wooden cunning. "But I'll make sure he never finds out. I'll gobble all of you down immediately and bury your bones where they'll never be found."

Forrest saves Dawn with the blanket. She kisses him and then almost offers to gently caress him until he reminds her that now is not the time. They save Eve, but Imbri is now in grave danger. They try to throw the blanket over her, but miss and land it in the tangle tree's mouth. It spots them, but doesn't attack.

quote:

Then Imbri had it. "It's forgotten its mouth!" her dreamlet exclaimed.

"It can't eat us because it has lost track of how!"

They walk away unmolested, and having lost nothing but the hour it takes to recharge the spell. They ask Forrest why he didn't use his petrified wood cross, and he explains that he (read: Piers Anthony) never thought of it. They find a nearby village.

quote:

They walked on in. There was a banner flying in the center. It said HOLLOWDAY.

(Pun Count: 188) One of the locals explains that Hollow Day is empty and hated, not a holiday. They suggest he brighten his day by helping them, and he directs them to Ida. They thank him.

quote:

"It doesn't matter," the man said. "We exchanged." He faced away from them. "Hey villagers! We have something to celebrate!"

They follow the path and find an island. Dawn and Eve make unhelpful comments, hit on Forrest and then have Eve check the water.

quote:

"It's my turn." Eve walked to the edge of the water and poked her finger in. "This is the Sarah Sea, containing the Isle of Niffen, which is a large island with white beaches and lush, colorful foliage. Sparkling streams run in all directions, and there is one huge flat rock right smack dab in the middle of the island. It's inhabited by unicorns, dragons, Pegasus, griffins, mermaids, elves, winged goblins, harpies, genies, and assorted crossbreeds, all living in harmony. Especially Niffy Gliff, who is half dragon, half Pegasus, with a unicorn horn from somewhere in her ancestry. They don't much trust strangers, because once hunters came in an ugly little boat, wanting to capture and kill the people and animals and build a squat commercial tourist hotel instead. Fortunately Niffy and his friend Cliffy put on their scariest costumes, snuck up on the hunters, cried. "Neeehhhoooooouuuuu!!!" and scared them out of their skins, saving the isle." She stood and came to take Forrest's hand.

Forrest was impressed. "You can tell all that, just from sticking your finger in the water?"

"It's my talent," Eve said. "Just as my sister could tell all about every nymph you ever chased and caught, just from touching one of your fingers. Including the one who turned out to be a harpy. But of course she wouldn't tell anybody about that, or about the way the leaves of the neglected tree got disgustingly soiled with-"[/quote[

I can't identify the puns or references there. It seems like it's just extremely weird and goofy. They confirm that Ida is on the island.

[quote]"Ooooh, suppose we get trapped on the Isle of Niffen," Dawn said.

"And there's nothing to do but live there forever and raise our children," Eve said.

"Which we will no doubt have to signal the stork for many times."

"Somehow coaxing the cooperation of a reluctant faun."

Imbri sent a dreamlet of two lovely nymphs, one fair and one dark, tugging a reluctant faun toward a love spring. His hoofs were leaving drag-marks in the soil. The mare was evidently enjoying the way the twins constantly put him on the defensive. Both girls laughed, appreciating the apt image.

"We won't get trapped," Forrest said, trying to sound neither intrigued nor grumpy. "We'll have the one big cross left, and anyway, once we talk with Ida, we can return directly to Pyramid to pursue our mission."

They cross the lake and explain to Niffy that they're harmless, then head to Ida. Her moon is conic. She tells them the answer to their quest lies on Cone, her moon.

quote:

Forrest quailed. "We have to go to another moon? We're already on the moon of a moon of a moon."

Ida smiled. "I suppose that would get confusing. No, I can take a cone section and get the information. Let me concentrate."

(Pun Count: 189)

quote:

She concentrated. The moon took note, as its point pointed straight up for a full orbit. "Yes, I have your information," Ida said. "But there is a complication you may not have considered."

"There always is," Imbri muttered in a dreamlet sent to Forrest alone.

"What complication is that?" he asked Ida.

"It is that here on Torus, anyone who does another a favor or a service incurs a burden of emotion. The greater the service, the greater the emotion. So we are rather careful about the services we render, and to whom."

"Emotion," Forrest said. "As in happiness or sadness?"

"Not exactly. As in liking or loving."

[...]

"Exactly. Considering the importance of the information to your mission, I will be in love with you. And without meaning any affront to you, I must say that I do not care to be in love with a creature who will immediately leave me forever."

The only way to counter this is to exchange services.

quote:

"Unfortunately, what I most desire is knowledge of something I fear you would be even less in a position to know than I. As you may have noticed, the Isle of Niffen is on a small sea. I would like to know all about this sea, from its name to its deepest creatures. I already know all about the Isle, but the water has eluded me."

"I can-" Eve started, but Forrest cut her off with a sharp glance. Her sister wiped the cut off her face; the glance had been too sharp.

"You don't want to do that," Forrest said. "Because then you would love Ida."

"Then Eve would love Ida, and Ida would love Forrest," Dawn said.

Imbri suggests Eve tell Forrest, since she already loves him.

quote:

So Forrest and Eve followed the path back to the water. The assorted animals of the Isle let them be, knowing that they were not hunters. Eve insisted on holding his hand again. "If I am going to be even more in love with you, I want to grab every moment I can," she explained.

"But such contact with me will only increase your desire to-to do what we should not."

"It can't," she said dreamily.

Forrest decided not to argue, though he was not entirely at ease with this. For one thing, this was the first time he had been really alone with either girl, so the inhibition of numbers was gone. Eve was evidently working up to more than just information. And he was evidently facilitating it, though he knew he should not. The complications of relationships with nonnymphly women were both confusing and tantalizing.

Eve hurls them both into the lake, gets naked and grabs Forrest before telling him anything.

quote:

"Our agreement is up to, but not including, the stork. We must be together for that. So I'll give her the chance to do you an equivalent favor before then, so we'll be even again. And we'll both give you opportunity to do us favors, on other days, so your interest will match ours. We will keep you quite busy, for a while."

"You girls are almost frightening in your cooperation."

[...]

At last they emerged from the water. Forrest was shaky, not from the information, but from Eve's kisses. There might not be magic in them, but they nevertheless had extraordinary force. She was right: he would be dreaming of her during whatever off moments were available, and when the time came, he would not make any excuses. She had captured his desire. The irony was that his weakness of the moment gave her the pretext to put her arm around him and help support him. She hadn't bothered to form clothing, and her touch remained electric.

"If you had been a nymph, all this would have been abated in seconds," he muttered. "With no emotional complications. Instead you have chained me."

"I know," she said smugly. "You're not used to dealing with women with minds. We're dangerous. We are aware of consequences, and we know how to make a temporary interest permanent." She nudged him without using an elbow. "But somehow this session hasn't changed my feeling for you."

"It couldn't increase what was already complete," he said glumly.

"Maybe." He decided not to inquire what she meant. She surely understood further aspects that would only alarm him worse. He had anticipated problems with terrain, monsters, magic, and people, but never with emotions. He had hardly known what emotions were, before all this began. Now he knew that they were the most formidable of the lot.

They head back.

quote:

Forrest approached Ida. "The name of the lake is the Sarah Sea," he began. He went on to describe its depths in meticulous detail. As he spoke, he found himself becoming increasingly interested in Ida. She was an attractive woman, with a remarkable talent, and now he was in a position to know how special her moon was. Eve had tempted him wickedly, but he knew it was desire rather than love. Ida did not tempt him in that manner, but his feeling for her was becoming encompassing.

He wanted to stay with her forever, and bask in the delight of her mere presence. This, he realized, was love, an emotion he had never before experienced. It was different from desire, though there were connections between the two. Should Ida express any interest at all in desire, he realized it would spring fully formed from the broad base of the larger emotion. Fortunately she gave no such indication, though her moon angled to observe him better.

"Now it is my turn," Ida said when he finished. "You have delivered in full measure, and satisfied my lifelong curiosity. Do not be concerned about your present emotion; it will shortly pass. Here is the information you need. You have to talk to the margins, and explain to them that they have been deceived. That they are not giving favors, they are stealing them, and will be diminished thereby."

"Margins?" Forrest asked. "The lines?"

"The creatures who generate the lines," Ida said. "They are kept in the cellars, and not told much of anything that is true."

A bulb flashed over Forrest's head. "So if they learn the truth, they'll stop generating the lines, and the power of the Wizards will collapse!"

[...]

"You have merely to locate Ghina, whose talent is to put people to sleep," Ida said. "She is somewhere on Pyramid's red face, and will help if you ask her. Also Jfraya, whose talent is to draw a door that opens.

"But how do we find Gina and Jeffrey?"

"Ghina, the daughter of Graeboe Giant and Gloha Goblin-Harpy, I believe. A large invisible winged goblin girl. And Jfraya, of uncertain origin, on Pyramid's green face. I fear you will have to accept some favors there, and be accordingly diminished."

And Forrest no longer loves Ida. Dawn won't let them leave until she, too, has done Forrest a favor or found one for Forrest to do for Eve, so that they're still even. Ida tells them it's too late to fix things by exchange of favors anyway - the emotion's already set. Dawn checks the party with her talent to see if there's anything she can do, and finds something, but needs Ida's advice about it.

quote:

Ida nodded. "There may be, dear. If you care to tell me what is on your mind, I would be free to offer an opinion, which you would be free to ignore. So there would be no actual service. Would that do?"

They leave, then come back.

quote:

Dawn and Ida emerged from the house. Dawn looked radiant. She marched right up to Forrest. "I love you as much as Eve does, now," she said, embracing him and kissing him ardently on the mouth. He realized that it must be so, for her passion was heating him, making him desire her as much as he desired Eve. Her body was pressing him in all the places Eve's body had, just as urgently. "So we're even, again."

She gave him a final squeeze, and turned him loose.

He reeled, and would have fallen, had not Imbri alertly intercepted him and supported him with her solid shoulder. "We had better complete this mission soon," Imbri said in a dreamlet. "Those girls are too much for you."

Dawn can't say what she did, though. They return to Pyramid.

quote:

It became easier as they oriented on the larger world. They were too diffuse to continue holding hands; their substances passed right through each other. But now there was no danger of getting lost. Still, one nebulous figure clung to his left extremity. That would be Eve. Or was it? What was he to do about her, whichever one it was? When the two girls had been equally interested, it had been awkward, and worse when Eve was more interested, but now it was worse yet. Because now he was wishing that the mission could be finished, so that he and they could do whatever they had in mind. He would have to play no favorites, but that would be a lie; Eve had become his favorite. She had aroused emotions of a scope and complexity he had not before experienced. Yet Dawn had the capacity to even it up, as her last embrace had shown. Just what had she done, to increase her emotion?

When their own monstrous bodies came into view, they separated, each descending toward his or her own. Even Eve's empty body intrigued him now; it looked lovely in its dark perfection. He would have to dissipate that feeling, if he could.

They all reintegrate, and the chapter ends.

Pun Count: 189 by the end of Chapter 10.

# ? Jan 17, 2014 14:43

BrianWilly: Apr 24, 2007; There is no homosexual terrorist Johnny Silverhand

quote:

Imbri sent a dreamlet of two lovely nymphs, one fair and one dark, tugging a reluctant faun toward a love spring. His hoofs were leaving drag-marks in the soil. The mare was evidently enjoying the way the twins constantly put him on the defensive. Both girls laughed, appreciating the apt image.

Hahaha rape.

:smithfrog:

Hahh

# ? Jan 17, 2014 15:16

Tardigrade: Jul 13, 2012; Half arthropod, half marshmallow, all cute.

BrianWilly posted:

Hahaha rape.

Hahh

If it helps any, it sounds like a description of Bouguereau's Nymphs and Satyr. Not that it makes it any better.

# ? Jan 17, 2014 16:11

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 11. Ida helps everyone get settled.

quote:

Both girls laughed. "Emotionally, we changed," Dawn said. "The two of us fell in love with him, and he became fascinated with us."

They then prepare for their mission and head out.

quote:

Dawn & Eve hugged her. Then the four of them left her blue stone house, and walked off the blue ridge to the blue lake. There Forrest took the large cross from Imbri's pack. They clustered together, and shot across the water in a bundle.

They landed tumbled together on the far shore. Dawn was plastered across Forrest's front, and Eve across his back, all of them on top of Imbri. But no one was hurt. He wondered to what extent the girls had arranged things that way. Did it matter?

They continue for some time without event.

quote:

But night was coming. They needed a place to spend the night. They were in deep woods, and weren't sure how safe it would be, because the blanket would wear off long before the night ended. Already they heard the howling of the hunting wolf spiders. They didn't want to blunder into a wolf web.

(Pun Count: 190)

quote:

Dawn went from tree to tree, touching their trunks. "This is a tea tree," she said of one. "It grows all kinds of teas: Mediocri, subversi, adverse, propensi, versatili, priori, superiori, monstrosi-"

(Pun Count: 198)

quote:

Dawn circled around it. "And on this side it's a Tree Tea," she announced. "When enemies meet here, they can make a peace agreement."

(Pun count: 199) They find a house, where they meet a pair of people named Ilene and Gerrod, the children of Grey and Ivy. Ilene can control storms, and Gerrod talks to water. They take a rest, and then head off with some packaged storm clouds from Ilene. They soon reach the edge of the red face, and find a colony of lings nearby to help reorient.

quote:

That was a relief. They crossed back to the blue face and walked along the edge until they were near the lings. This happened to be by the shore of a blue lake that went right up to the boundary, bent around the corner, and became a red lake at the new angle. Then they waited for the obscurity to wear off, so that Forrest could crawl to the lings camp. But as the spell faded, a large canine creature loped toward them from the blue side.

"What is it?" Eve asked, concerned.

"That looks like a dire wolf," Dawn said. "Get well away from it!"

"Maybe I had better invoke the blanket of obscurity again," Forrest said, taking it out of his knapsack.

"No, just cross to the red side," Dawn said urgently. She and Eve were already doing so, while Imbri stood warily by.

A deep bass note sounded from the lake, almost under Forrest's elbow. He jumped-and the can flew out of his hand. It splashed into the water, where a big fish swallowed it.

"Oh, no!" Dawn cried. "That's a largemouth bass. It swallowed the can."

(Pun Count: 201)

quote:

Meanwhile the dire wolf was coming close. Forrest quickly brought out a storm package and opened it. Dark clouds swirled out, making sheets of rain and peals of thunder. The wolf got a blast of spray in the snoot, reconsidered, passed close by them, and ran on, not attacking. "Of all the bad luck," Forrest said.

"That's the thing about a dire wolf," Dawn said. "Wherever it goes, disaster follows. That's why we had to get away from it."

(Pun count: 202) They dry off and find the lings, reorienting and turning red. They find Ghina, realize she's invisible and talk to her. They have to explain that the Wizards are actually bad people, though, who are stealing from Ptero. They introduce themselves.

quote:

Ghina's cowl looked thoughtful. "Are you related to Magician Trent?"

[...]

"That's the one! Mother knew him." The cowl looked down, as if blushing. "In fact, Mother rather liked him. If he had been willing, she would have ordered me from the Stork Works with him, instead of with Graeboe, and I might have been visible. Not that I have any objection to Graeboe; he's a fine father. It's just that sometimes I wonder what I might have looked like."

"Like this," Imbri said. In the dreamlet, her human figure conjured a bucket of red paint and flung it at the cowled Ghina figure. The paint splashed all over, washing off the cowl and leaving a red winged goblin girl.

"Oh!" Ghina cried, delighted. "I'm pretty!"

Anyway.

quote:

"It�s in the center of the red triangle," Ghina said. "But I don't know the best way there. I'll ask the chess nut."

"Chestnuts talk?" Forrest asked.

She must have smiled. "You're funny." She led the way through the forest to a glade wherein stood assorted life sized redwood figures of men, women, horses, towers, and children. The floor of the glade was marked in squares: light red and dark red. As they approached, a figure of a light red man with a pointed hat slid across a diagonal and grabbed a dark red child figure. It tossed the child to the edge of the glade, where it joined a tumbled collection of figures.

(Pun Count: 204) The chess nut is Ghina's uncle, Kerby. They get directions to the red center, but realize they must first head for the green face. Kerby offers to take them there for a smile. He drops them off rather far into the green.

quote:

"Welcome, Niece," he called back, as he started back toward his chess game, his voice sounding lower because of the special magic of Doppler.

It occurred to Forrest that Doppler must have been an interesting Magician, though it wasn't clear why he wanted to fool with sounds.

(Pun Count: 203) There are no lings around, though, so they have to brace each other.

quote:

They found some greenbriar vines, but they were too thorny to use. Then they saw a green rope leaping around. Forrest managed to snag it as it jumped over him. The rope struggled, wanting to be free to leap some more, but the girls grabbed hold of its ends and subdued it. "It's a jump rope," Eve gasped. They wound it around, and tied themselves into a clumsy mass. It worked, not well, but better than nothing, and the rope's natural inclination to jump helped. Imbri was the center, and the other four clustered around her, their feet bracing outward. It was uncomfortable, but feasible, for now.

(Pun Count: 205)

quote:

Forrest was wedged against Ghina, because there needed to be two people to a side and the twins couldn't agree which one of them would get to press against the faun. Ghina was invisible within her cloak and cowl, and quickly shed those so as to be entirely invisible and less noticeable. But her body was solid. Forrest felt her wings brushing him every so often, and he was aware of other parts of her. He realized that he was in close contact with yet another healthy young woman. How did he keep getting into these situations?

Ghina hits on Forrest, and he dissuades her. They find Jfraya.

quote:

A woman appeared in the dreamlet. She was of course green, especially her thumbs, and carried a green watering can. "Who are you?"

(Pun Count: 206) They explain things to Jfraya, who decides this is too confusing to argue and agrees to help. Jfraya draws them a door to the green Wizard's castle.

quote:

Dawn went first, and stood on the slanting wall, which was about right for her orientation. Then Eve joined her. Their upper bodies were pointing slightly downward, so the wall was close to right angles to them. Their four dainty feet were aimed almost directly at Forrest.

"Say, we'd look good in skirts," Dawn said.

"Yes, considering the angle," Eve agreed.

Their red jeans fuzzed and became flaring red skirts. Forrest quickly clapped a hand to his eyes before he saw very far beyond their four nice knees. "Stop it!" he cried.

[...]

"I wish I could do that," Ghina murmured.

That intrigued him, though he knew it shouldn't. "Couldn't you, if you put on stockings and panties?"

"No. They're too close to my body. They turn invisible. Only the thicker material can retain its opacity."

They head through.

quote:

Then Jfraya emerged. "I think my greens have enough water for a few days," she said. She entered the passage, standing in its floor. This was awkward, because she was about at right angles to them, and their upper bodies were at cross purposes. But they would just have to give her space and make do.

(Pun Count: 207) They use a goblin tunnel behind the door.

quote:

hey proceeded onward with greater confidence. In due course the passage opened into a series of galleries. In one some metallic green plants grew, with fierce straight spikes. "A steel plant!" Eve exclaimed. "They make swords from these." She touched one of the spikes. "Too bad we delicate girls don't know how to use swords."

(Pun Count: 208)

quote:

They knew how to use whatever else they had, though, Forrest thought darkly.

The next chamber was encrusted with green gems. "Now these we might use," Eve said, touching one. "They are strata-gems, from the stratosphere. They help folk devise plans."

(Pun Count: 210)

quote:

The next chamber was filled with bouncing orange-green balls.

"Basketballs," Eve said after checking. "For storage."

[...]

She caught a ball and pulled at its binding. It opened out into a basket. "Put whatever it is inside, then close it up and let it bounce. It will keep until you open the basket ball again."

(Pun Count: 211) They can't get into the castle, but can exit in sight of it, then have Ghina take out the guards.

quote:

They foraged for something to eat. The first plant they found had berries like big green toes. "Well, maybe," Dawn said, touching it.

"These fruits make a special kind of jam." She paused. "Toe jam."

(Pun Count: 212)

quote:

Then they found a sweetie Pi tree, with sweetie pies, and feasted on them. After that they settled down in a chamber to which Jfraya opened a door, and found a number of nice pillows therein. It was wonderful to relax for a while.

(Pun Count: 214) The girls hit on Forrest some more and they make their way in.

quote:

There were perhaps a dozen little green pyramids with triangular faces, sitting on the stone floor. From several of them green lines projected upward.

Imbri can talk to the margins, and it seems they think they are improving Ptero.

quote:

"There are bad folk there. Marginalizing captures them, and takes away their magic, so they can't do any more harm."

They reveal the truth, and agree to stop in three days, to keep the Wizards from catching on. They head red next.

quote:

Jfraya opened a door to a passage slanting to the center of the red face, and they walked along its wall. That was a relief, after their struggle on the surface. This one was unused, like the other, but not perfect. They passed a gallery supported by pillars that resembled feline creatures: cat-i-pillars. There was what appeared to be a prison cell there, wherein was a comely young woman. "Look," Ghina said. "The goblins left a prisoner behind. We should rescue her."

(Pun Count: 215)

quote:

Eve touched a pillar, learning what it had seen. "That is a geis-a girl," she said, pronouncing it GAYSH-A. "Anyone who gets close to her may be caught by her geis, and have to do whatever she says."

(Pun Count: 216) They decide to leave her.

quote:

The others reluctantly agreed. "Uncle Grey Murphy could take away her magic, as punishment, if she did anything wrong on Ptero," Dawn said.

"But Uncle Grey is trapped in the margins," Eve said. "Caught before he could nullify their magic."

"Then maybe Mother Electra could use an Outlet to free her when no one else was near," Dawn suggested.

(Pun Count: 217) They find some snakes, and convince them to take them to the snakes' leader. By, uh, shouting 'take me to your leader.'

quote:

Forrest and his party walked the nearest wall in that direction. Here lay a large snake wearing a crown. "It's the King Cobra," Dawn whispered.

(Pun Count: 218) The King agrees to help them out, getting them to the red surface.

quote:

It was still night. They proceeded directly to the Red Castle, and Ghina put its guardian monsters to sleep. Except for one. This was an animated angle.

"I recognize that," Eve said. "It's a guardian angle. It protects folk against math courses."

(Pun Count: 219) They are thus able to easily pass it. They get things explained to the red margins, then head for the blue face.

quote:

They emerged, and passed through a door to a passage leading directly to the blue face. This one, however, was not completely deserted. "But there aren't any really bad folk on it," Eve said, after touching its wall. "Except maybe the cuss toady."

"A toad that swears?" Forrest asked.

"Not exactly. It is found in the grounds for divorce. If we avoid the chamber where those grounds are, it shouldn't bother us."

(Pun Count: 221)

quote:

They avoided that chamber by taking a detour. On the alternate passage they encountered a man of many colors. His skin was not blue, red, green, or gray, which explained why he wasn't walking the surface of Pyramid. Instead it was rainbow colored.

"Hello," the man said. "I am Hue Man."

(Pun Count: 222) They head on, reaching the blue face by nightfall.

quote:

This time they learned something new. The blue margins mentioned that they were able to communicate along their lines. That was how they identified people trapped within the enclosures formed by the lines. So if anyone got in the line of sight of a line, between the margin and the world of Ptero, he or she would be able to talk to the margin generating it. The lines did not become solid barriers until they were close to the surface of Ptero, because there was no sense wasting magic.

There is just one problem now: there are no passages to the bottom face. It is stormy and cold due to constant shadow. They need to find some centaurs.

quote:

"They are said to live in the Atlas Mountains," Dawn said, reading her tree.

"Which are beyond the tropical depression," Eve said, reading her ground.

[...]

Soon the ground sank lower as they entered the depression. Exotic warm weather plants grew in it. But Forrest started feeling extremely sad.

(Pun Count: 223)

quote:

Beyond the depression rose the peaks of mountains, shown outlined against the dimly illuminated sky. Then they reached the base of the first mountain-and discovered that it consisted of piled books. Atlases.

(Pun Count: 224)

quote:

"Watch out for the bookworm," Eve warned.

They paused in their crawling as a large worm crawled across their route. Its segments consisted of books.

(Pun Count: 225)

quote:

At last they reached the centaur village. Centaurs came bearing torches. "Don't you folk of the red face know you can't travel readily here?" one demanded. "You're just not red-dy for the blue."

(Pun Count: 226) Chaz, Chalice, Chafe, Chide, Checkers and Chenille Centaur agree to take them. (Pun Count: 232)

quote:

An earthy brown-blue mare trotted up. She was as well endowed as the usual centaur filly, which was impressive by the standards of lesser females. Forrest tried to mount her back, but couldn't; his angle was wrong. Finally she picked him up with her arms, pressed him to her ample bare bosom, twisted him around, and plopped him on her back. Once firmly set there, he was able to hang on and maintain his position.

They call in Chicory, Chiffon, Chime and Chip to help bring Imbri. (Pun Count: 236) They ask about the centaurs' talents as they go.

quote:

"Certainly. My talent is with pottery. I can fashion blue-brown clay into excellent utensils. The other centaurs have talent too. You saw Chenille's ability as a seamstress. Checkers has great ability with board games. Chicory is a herbalist. Chiffon can make things transparent. Chime is an excellent minstrel. And Chip can shatter objects. He's my foal," she added proudly. "We discovered his talent at the expense of a vase."

The centaurs also give them warm clothing.

quote:

"You are all welcome," Chaz replied. Then he produced a horn from his pack. "Here is a bull horn. If you return this way and need more favors, blow it."

"A bull horn summons centaurs?"

"No. It summons bulls, of course. They graze at the bull market. But we will hear the stampede of their hoofs, and come to investigate. You would not want to ask favors of the bulls."

(Pun Count: 234)

quote:

"No worse than the bears, generally. But these ones can be. Edi and Para Bull are all right, with their food and stories, but Stum is clumsy, Trem is fearful, and you wouldn't want to encounter Trou or Terri. You wouldn't believe Incredi Bull."[/qupte]

(Pun Count: 242) They make their way through the snow as best they can.

[quote]At last, as the day faded, worn out with the struggle, they had Jfraya open a door into an isolated cave. It was blessedly warm, and they were able to stand comfortably on the walls, but Dawn and Eve were doubtful.

"There are mites," Dawn said. "Stalag mites."

"And they stop anyone from using this cave," Eve added.

(Pun Count: 243)

quote:

In two thirds of a moment all of them were bare-legged and scratching off the mites. Then Ghina managed to fill the cave with her sleep spell, and the remaining mites fell asleep and dropped off. However, the spell also affected the rest of them, though more slowly because they were more massive. So they lay down to sleep.

The last thing Forrest remembered was Imbri's dreamlet. "Now we know how to remember the stone columns," she said. "when the mites go up, the tites come down." He groaned and tried to forget it.

(Pun Count: 244) They head on, using the snow to make paths they can walk on. However, it becomes clear that they won't make it to the center in time, especially after Jfraya hurts her foot. They reach the castle by nightfall, when the other margins will have already shut off.

quote:

But as they made their way to the castle's outer wall, passing the ring of trees, Eve stiffened. She signaled Dawn, who brushed by the tree Eve had just touched. Then came a joint dreamlet: "Those are ore trees."

(Pun Count: 245)

quote:

Forrest felt a chill not of the landscape. Ore trees were actually huge vicious animals that resembled trees only when in repose. They were the most dangerous of guardians. They might be snoozing now, but if they came alert, they might pounce too suddenly for Ghina to put to sleep. It would be impossible for them to flee these monsters at any speed, because of their sidewise orientation. The party had to hope that the ores were not alert. So far that seemed to be the case.

They enter, but are found by the Dark Wizard, an immense woman. She believes that one of them is hiding.

quote:

The huge woman frowned. "So you think to deceive me. We shall see about that. Cerci!"

Two servants pushed forward a large tank of water. In it was a mermaid, her tail in the water, her head above the surface. "Yes, mistress," the mermaid said.

"Change-" The Wizard looked around. "That one." She pointed to Ghina.

The mermaid reached her arm toward Ghina. "Oink!" she said.

And Ghina became a visible pig.

(Pun Count: 246) The Wizard has Jfraya pigged, too, and they realize the Wizard thinks Imbri is just a horse. Forrest has Imbri use her dreams to go tell the margins the truth.

quote:

Then he spoke aloud to the Wizard. "She is hidden where you will never think to look. She will destroy your power. You can turn us all into pigs, but she will get you."

"So now you are ready to deal," the Wizard said, satisfied. "Turn her over to me, and I will let all of you live."

"As prisoners?" he asked. Actually he knew she would kill them, thus effectively banning them from this region. But he was stalling for time.

"Perhaps," the Wizard said. "Unless you agree to use your talents on my behalf, so I can take over the provinces of the three lost Wizards."

Ghina, though a pig, still has her magic, and puts Cerci to sleep.

quote:

"You're stalling. Cerci! That one." The Wizard pointed to Dawn. There was no response. The mermaid had fallen asleep. The Wizard glanced at her. "Cerci!" she snapped. The mermaid was jolted awake. She looked surprised. The Wizard squinted. "So one of you has the ability to induce sleep. Then we shall delay no more. Polly!"

Another young woman approached, coming from the far chamber.

"Polly Graph, tell me the truth," the Wizard said. She faced Forrest again. "Where is your sixth member?"

(Pun Count: 247) Forrest refuses to reveal where, so Dawn gets pigged, as does Eve. Forrest finally cracks and tells the Wizard what Imbri is and what their plan was. It's too late, though - the margins stop, and the Wizard shrinks, freeing all of her servants.

quote:

"Gee. Do you want your friends depigmented?"

"Yes, if you please. Then we shall have to go home-as I hope the rest of you will do." Actually, once they left this world, they would be able to form their natural shapes. But Ghina and Jfraya wouldn't. So it was better to get them changed back now.

They had won. And it was time to return to Ptero.

(Pun Count: 248)

Pun Count: 248 by the end of Chapter 11.

# ? Jan 17, 2014 16:48

Lottery of Babylon: Apr 25, 2012; STRAIGHT TROPIN'

Robindaybird posted:

For once in my life, I am actually suggesting that someone to actually use a Thesaurus because you don't need to use 'said' every. flippin' time.

The issue isn't so much the word choice as the sentence structure. Every single line is written exactly the same way.

"That's no good," Dipshit said. "If we don't meet our rape quota in the next six hours we'll be in big trouble!"

"Don't worry," Ephebophilius said. "I know a place nearby where we can find all the prepubescent children we want."

"That is splendid," Dipshit said. "Though I fear we may encounter a few chapters' worth of random puns on the way there."

"Short opening phrase," Character said. "A longer phrase elaborates and continues my poor excuse for a thought."

# ? Jan 17, 2014 16:51

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 12. The Gray Wizard, now just an elf, wants to talk and says that since the party are better people than she was, they won't just kill her or turn her to a pig. She offers to order the ores to obey the "new mistress" of the castle, since Jfraya will enjoy staying there.

quote:

"The folk here are a unit," the Gray Elf said. "They like working here. They just don't like me. If you treat them well, they will serve you well."

"True," Polly said.

"But I assumed they were all captives," Forrest said.

"True," Polly said. "You did so assume, but it is false. We were better off serving the Gray Wizard than we would have been out in the snow."

Jfraya remained bemused. "You, Cerci-you don't want to go home to the sea?"

"Well, maybe for visits," the mermaid said. "To see my parents, Cyrus and Merci. But the truth is that the water out there is cold, and I am more comfortable here in the heated pool."

The elf also offers to find Ghina a boyfriend, which she apparently sorely needs.

quote:

"I know where there is a winged male goblin of relatively sweet disposition, on the blue face, where she never would have found him."

Ghina's outfit stood up straight. "How does he feel about appearance?"

"It is a matter of indifference to him. He is blind. This has severely restricted his flight and his social life. However, if he had a companion willing to guide him, he would be most grateful."

In return, she wants to go back to her original home village, where they have no idea she became the Wizard. They agree to the deal. The twins agree to visit occasionally, and Forrest decides to leave the bottle of magic soul elixir with them, since they don't need to leave the planets, just go to them. He, the twins and Imbri head back to Ptero. All problems in the castle are now solved, and everyone has returned. And everyone wants to meet their saviors so it's time for a barrage of names.

quote:

King Ivy snapped her fingers. There was immediate silence. "Forrest Faun and Mare Imbrium will meet each of you in turn. Please introduce yourselves as you approach, and do not dally unduly. They are surely tired from their unusual journey. There will be a banquet at-" She paused to look at her left wrist, where a collection of eyes resided.

Then she looked at her right wrist, where a pack of tiny dogs were sitting. "At dawn, according to my watch band, and my watch dogs," she concluded.

(Pun Count: 250)

quote:

The first in the line was a young woman. "I am Wigo, daughter of Hugo and Wira. My talent is draining magic, but I could not prevail against the margins. I am so grateful to you for doing it and rescuing us all!"

[...]

The next one approached, a very small woman. "I am Glitter Golem, daughter of Grundy and Rapunzel. My talent is the sparkle."

She illustrated by issuing a shower of sparkles. "Thank you so much for saving us!"

(Pun Count: 251)

quote:

Next were two young folk. One was a handsome young man in a gray suit.

"I am Prince Grant, with the talent of reading minds," he said.

The other was a young woman with green eyes and brown hair, in a green dress. "I am Princess Isabella Emily Carolyn, with the talent of borrowing talents, for an hour," she said.

"We are children of Grey and Ivy," Grant added.

"But aren't there already-?" Forrest began.

"There are many of us, in this realm of might-be," Isabella explained.

"And my friend Arien has a similar talent. Might-be covers a lot."

[...]

A child approached. "I am Nora Naga, daughter of Nina Naga and Briskil, son of Esk Ogre and Bria Brassie." she said. "I am twelve years old and my talent is to teleport folk or things anywhere. I wish I had someone to play with. Maybe now that everyone is back, I'll find someone."

The next one came up, a grown man. "I am Trenris, the son of Magician Trent and Sorceress Iris, following their rejuvenation."

"But they were rejuvenated only three or four years ago," Imbri said, this time speaking directly in her surprise. "How can you be full grown?"

"Well, of course I can be, on Ptero, where geography is time," he said.

"But I take it that you mean I should be no more than about fourteen years old at this particular site. And the answer is that I am fourteen, but that I age rapidly, because they are both actually much older than they look. My talent is that of reversing the effect of other talents, thus making illusions literal or magical spots on the wall fade. But I wish someone could reverse my aging, before I become decrepit in my youth. However, that is neither here nor there; I came to congratulate you on the success of your mission, and to thank you for saving all of us from the dread marginalization."

"Wait," Imbri said. "Have you met Surprise?"

"I have been surprised by many things."

"No, I mean Surprise Golem, daughter of Grundy and Rapunzel. She has multiple talents, each of which she can use only once. Maybe she would change your rate of aging, if you helped her in some way."

(Pun Count: 252)

quote:

A severe looking woman approached. "I am Misty Meanor, a curse fiend," she said. "I come to thank you not merely for myself, but for two who cannot be here directly: Gim and Gine Giant, the children of Girard and Gina Giant. They are too big to enter the castle."

(Pun Count: 253) The giants will also carry the pair west tomorrow.

quote:

A dusky youth stepped up. "I am Chaos, son of D. Metria after she discovered how to summon the stork effectively. I turn things transparent."

(Pun Count: 254)

quote:

Then, suddenly, the end of the line came. There were two handsome young princes. "We are Mourning & Knight," one said.

(Pun Count: 255)

quote:

"The sons of Prince Naldo Naga and Mela Merwoman," the other added.

"We don't have talents as such, but we are extremely virile princes."

Something jogged in Forrest's tired mind. "Have you met the princesses Dawn & Eve?"

"We haven't had that pleasure, but we did catch a glimpse of them from across the room when the four of you entered. They look lovely."

Imbri calls the girls over.

quote:

The two princes were gazing at the two princesses, and steam was starting to rise from them. The two princesses were glancing at the two princes, and little hearts were floating out from them. In about three quarters of a, moment, the four linked hands and walked away together.

"I think we won't be seeing them again," Imbri murmured.

"But we were going to-that is, the girls and I-"

"Did you really want to?"

"Yes! That is-"

"Do you really feel you should?"

"No." And he realized that along with his disappointment was a significant admixture of relief. After all, they were princesses, and he was just a faun. Their parents surely would Not Approve.

They head to the banquet, giving Ida the bottle. Once that's over, they head to the invisible giants. They are dropped off just before faun territory, at a comic strip.

quote:

There was nothing to do but plow through it. They braced themselves and did that. The first part of it was a paved section that looked deceptively innocent, but as soon as they stepped on it, there was a horrendous barking, as of dozens of fierce dogs. They jumped back, and the noise stopped.

"But I don't see any dogs," Forrest said.

Imbri explored with her dream mind. "There don't seem to be any." So they tried again-and the barking resumed. No dogs, just the sounds.

"It's a barking lot!" Imbri cried, catching on.

(Pun Count: 256) They then find a pool.

quote:

There was a narrow path around it. But the path was blocked by a many-toothed monster. "Can you guess my talent?" the monster enunciated precisely.

"Why should I?" Forrest asked.

"Because I won�t let you use this path otherwise."

"Then maybe I'll just go around the other way, or swim across the pond," Forrest said.

"Suit yourself, if you can handle the rays."

They circled the pool in the other direction. But blocking that path was a squat box with a grill on the front. As they approached, it shot out rays of bad music. The closer they got, the worse the music got, until it was so utterly obnoxious that they had to fall back, with their hands over their ears.

"What is that thing?" Forrest demanded as the music faded to merely annoying.

"It's a Ray D 0, stupid," the monster called. "The ray's letters stand for Deafening and noxious. Only teenagers can approach it."

(Pun Count: 257) drat those teenagers and their crap music! The monster's name is Airy.

quote:

He looked again at the pool. It seemed clear. He touched the surface with a hoof. Immediately a ray slanted up, almost catching his foot before he jerked it back. "What's that?"

"A ray," Airy said. "Can you guess my talent?"

"What kind of ray is it?"

"A ray of sunshine."

Forrest touched the water again. The ray shot out, and this time he saw that it came from a large, flat creature deep under the surface. Was it safe to swim there? He doubted it. Maybe the ray just liked to illuminate the depths-but maybe that light was so it could better see its prey.

(Pun Count: 258)

quote:

"I think I know the monster's talent," Imbri said in a dreamlet.

"Did you notice how clearly it speaks? Its talent must be diction."

"Diction, Airy," Forrest cried. "That's your talent! You pronounce words."

(Pun Count: 259)

quote:

They walked on around the pond. But they weren't yet out of the comic strip. There was a thicket ahead, and as they tried to make their way through it, two puny orange imps dropped onto their shoulders. They were invisible, but Imbri made a dreamlet that showed them.

"Who are you," Forrest demanded, trying to shake off his imp. "We are pun-kins," the one on his shoulder replied. "We are pundits who live in the punk trees of the punkin patch and punch out anyone who dares try to cross it, until he groans from the punishment. We are very punctual."

(Pun Count: 267) They leave the strip and found the faun region.

quote:

Forrest stared, for there, running up to meet them, was something he ever seen or even imagined before. It had goat's hoofs, a tail, and the upper section of a human being. But it was female.

"Hello," she said, bouncing to a stop. She had a huge head of blond hair that flared out and down, framing her upper torso to the waist without covering anything. "I am Deanna Fauna. How may I help you, visitor from afar?"

"Fauna?" he echoed numbly. Yet it made sense. Fauns were crosses between humans and goats. Why shouldn't there be any female crosses? He had never heard of any, but this was the world of might bes, and indeed, there might be such creatures.

"I-am Forrest Faun from Xanth. I came to ask-" he faltered, halfway mesmerized by her bare front as she breathed. A true female of his species! What a discovery!

Forrest explains his quest.

quote:

"To be with you?" she finished. "Why of course; that's what faunas do. You must have been horribly unhappy, with only nymphs to chase, instead of the real thing."

Forrest hadn't thought of it quite that way, but realized that the case could be made. This did seem to be the answer to his quest. "Well, then you can come to Xanth, and-" He paused, realizing that he wasn't sure how she could do that, since she didn't have a body already in Xanth.

"It is done by going back in time," Imbri said. "The Good Magician explained it to me. He gave me a spell to enable me to take my spirit back to the conjugation of a faun and nymph, to enable them to have their signal actually reach the Stork Works. Then the stork would deliver Deanna as a baby fauna, and in due course she would grow to her present age and appearance. So she would be there, waiting for Deanna's spirit to animate her, at the same time as you return to re-animate your own body."

"Then she can become a real person," Forrest said. "Bound to her tree, remembering her past, growing gracefully older."

"Ugh!" Deanna exclaimed. "I didn't know there would be such penalties."

"But this is the nature of life in Xanth," he said. "Fauns and nymphs who adopt trees lose their shallowness and become real people."

"Yuck! I couldn't stand it."

"But you would be real. You would have substance. Xanth has different rules than Ptero. For example, time is not geography; no one can change his or her age just by traveling."

"I would be stuck at one age all the time? I couldn't get old and wise or young and sexy any time I wanted?"

Deanna, of course, wants no part of this.

quote:

Forrest stared at her, this time seeing her nature rather than her front. She was so shallow that she liked shallowness. This was no fault in an ordinary faun or nymph, but he discovered that he no longer cared for that type of association. He had learned too much of full human ways to ever return to contented mindlessness.

"I guess it wouldn't work out," he said with real regret. "Are there any other fauns or faunas here who might feel otherwise?"

Deanna considered. "There's Faust Faun. He's a bit odd. He chases fauns and hates trees." She ran off, her limited attention span exhausted.

That wouldn't do either. "Then I guess what I'm looking for isn't here," Forrest said with regret. He looked at Imbri. "Is there any point in remaining here any longer?"

Forrest now wonders why he ever started this. Imbri, too, has not found her new pasture. They head back to Xanth.

quote:

Forrest saw the patchwork world of Ptero spreading out below, and felt nostalgia. It had been a remarkable adventure, and he had enjoyed much of it. Especially the interaction with Dawn & Eve. But he had known that that relationship wouldn't last, and maybe it had been best that it had ended as abruptly as it had, with their discovery of princes of their own world. Unfortunately they had left their mark on him, leaving him forever disappointed with mere nymphs, as the scene with Deanna Fauna had shown. So this adventure had spoiled him; he would never be satisfied with the type of existence he had known before. Thank you, Good Magician! he thought with irony.

Forrest runs into the child-twins on the way out.

quote:

Then both girls looked intently at Forrest, and split a smile between them. They looked eerily knowing.

Could these children have any notion of their adult association with him on other worlds?

"Don't let them bother you," Ida murmured. "Dawn can't really tell what's in your mind unless she touches you, and Eve can't tell where you've been unless she touches some object that was with you."

Ida is sure that he has his answer, though - he just doesn't know it. Imbri decides to follow him rather than return to Humfrey for directions.

quote:

"I know the feeling. Did the adventure on the little worlds spoil you for regular existence, as it did me?"

"I fear it did, Forrest."

"I'm sorry. I never meant to ruin your life too."

"I really don't have a life. Just half a soul. So there wasn't much to be ruined."

Forrest wishes he'd hosed Imbri when he had the chance, and tells her so.

quote:

They encountered two folk going along the path, looking lost: a young man and a short haired, green eyed cat. In fact they looked about the way Forrest felt, so he paused to address them. "Are you looking for something?"

"The Region of Madness," the man said. "I'm Christophe �Joker� Justino. I think I'm either coming from it or going to It, I'm not sure which. I thought Bluejay knew the way, but now I think she's lost."

He is Mundane. They direct him to it.

quote:

Then Forrest realized something. "They're like us!" he exclaimed.

"Without bearings, depressed, not knowing or much caring where they're going."

"Because they can't go back to where they were, and wouldn't want to anyway," Imbri agreed. "Oh, Forrest, if it weren't for your obligation to your tree, I would truly wish we could go back to Ptero."

"Maybe to keep company with Cathryn Centaur, or on Pyramid," he agreed.

"Or even on Torus, if Ida cared to share the Isle of Niffen," she said dreamily. As a day mare, she was very good at dreams.

Metria shows up now. She is sad to hear about the failed quest. Forrest tells her about her possible son, Chaos, and she leaves. Imbri approaches the clog tree once they arrive.

quote:

Imbri walked up to the tree. "I like your clogs," she said.

Then something strange happened. Misty colors flitted through the foliage of the tree, forming into an image. It looked like a woodland scene, a lovely little glade in the morning. Flowers blossomed around its edges, and water flowed into a pool in its center. A lovely darkhaired nymph sat sunning herself on a slab of sandstone, running a crystal comb through her lustrous tresses.

A figure appeared behind her. It was a man, no, a faun. He put his hands over the nymph's eyes, then bent down and kissed her on the mouth.

Then he brought out his panpipes and played a merry melody; the little black notes rose up, scattering across the scene. Some of them turned white, assuming the form of little storks. As he played, he danced. In a moment she got up and danced with him. They moved around the glade, in a mock chase, kicking their feet high to the music. But his dance was faster than hers, and soon he caught up to her. The panpipes disappeared as they joyously embraced and celebrated.

Then they adjourned to the meal she had evidently prepared: lemon herbal tea, oatcakes, and an assortment of creamy goat cheeses. He teasingly offered her a horse nut, but she declined any more after the first bite.

(Pun Count: 268)

quote:

Tiny hummingbirds flew in to perch on the stones and on the faun and nymph. They were all colors, scintillating like gems: topaz, ruby, opal, and lapis lazuli.

Suddenly Forrest recognized the figures. They were himself and Imbri in her nymph form. But what were they doing in a picture in the foliage of the tree?

He tried to make sense of it. Imbri had gone to stand close to the tree, and then the scene had formed. With the two of them in it. Loving each other. As if the tree had somehow picked up Imbri's secret thoughts and animated them. The dreams of a night mare.

A glorious suspicion washed through him. He reached over his shoulder and plunged his hand into his knapsack. He found the dear horn and hauled it out. As he did so, a fragment of paper fluttered down. It must have been caught in the horn. He reached down to pick it up. Could it be the lost notes of the Good Magician?

No, it was a different piece, royally embossed. A single word was written on it, in a princessly script: Imbri.

Suddenly he remembered when Dawn had touched them, on Torus, and learned something she wouldn't tell. She had talked with Ida, and then hugged and kissed Forrest, her special favor done. But she had never said what it was.

She must have slipped this note into his knap sack, under the cover of her embrace. Her answer about the identity of the creature he was looking for.

But why hadn't she just told him? Now that came clear too. If she had, his quest would have ended right there-and his mission with Dawn & Eve wasn't yet complete. It might have been out of his control; he and Imbri might have dissolved into soul substance and gone back to Xanth, unable to stop themselves. Leaving the human section of Ptero to its fate of marginalization. So Dawn couldn't tell him, until after that was done. But she wanted to tell him immediately, so that her love for him would be equal to Eve's. So she had done so, in her fashion, giving him a note that he would be sure to see eventually.

He lifted the dear horn and blew. The delightful sound went out, and echoed from Imbri, though she had no substance. She was indeed the one.

She had turned and was looking at him, not understanding. "Imbri-I saw your dream. Of you and me, together. The tree animated it."

Forrest tells Imbri that she can become the tree's spirit, as the tree will give her substance. They realize they're in love with each other.

quote:

She nodded. "But the Good Magician surely knew. Why didn't he tell me?"

"Because I wasn't ready. I thought that all I wanted was a faun for the tree. But in the course of the adventure I learned some of the human breadth and depth of mind and emotion. That left me forever unsatisfied with less. The Good Magician wouldn't take my Question because he knew it was the wrong one. He knew that I was your Answer-for you didn't know your real desire either. It wasn't for a new pasture, it was for true love. And I could be that love-once I learned how. And now I know that neither nymph nor human woman is what is right for me. What I need is a companion who has a similar length of life to my own. Who truly understands. Who I can love and be loved by. And that is you, Imbri. It was always you. It just wasn't always me."

"This is so hard to believe."

"Just adopt the clog tree. Then we will play out your dream scene. While you learn to believe, I will learn to love you. I am already falling." For he saw the little hearts forming, orbiting his head like tiny moons. They were shaping into gem-like hummingbirds. She was perfect for him, and not only because they had shared an experience like no other.

"Oh, you mustn't fall and crash," she said. She turned to the tree, stretching out her arms. As she did so, the foliage became brilliant, and her body became solid, in the form of a lovely nymph: small but perfect.

Then she turned back to Forrest, to catch him before he fell too far.

(Pun Count: 269)

Pun Count: 269 by the end of Faun and Games.

# ? Jan 17, 2014 18:30

GoodyTwoShoes: Oct 26, 2013

I don't know if I can survive another 16 volumes of girls egregiously hitting on oblivious/resistant guys. And mesmerizing panties.

I own 10 Xanth books from when I was young and dumb (and I like puns, so they kind of blinded me to the worst parts). Reading this thread has been astonishing, and I'm definitely glad I never read much of Anthony's work except for Xanth. I did read part of the Bio of a Space Tyrant series, but never the Incarnations of Immortality, or Firefly.

Suddenly, I am really glad for my "prudish" preference for books with no sex scenes. (Sex goes in my bedroom, not in the middle of my adventure books, okay?) I think I've saved myself from a lot of trauma. . .

# ? Jan 18, 2014 03:20

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

So, what was the plot there? Matchmaking and cameos and an excruciating list of puns?

# ? Jan 18, 2014 22:22

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

Alopex posted:

So, what was the plot there? Matchmaking and cameos and an excruciating list of puns?

Yep. Of course, this is the plot of almost all Xanth novels.

# ? Jan 18, 2014 23:45

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Zombie Lover stars Breanna of the Black Wave. Which surely isn't going to be awful, right? The 'Prolog' opens with Clio, the Muse of History, however. She heads towards Humfrey's Castle, walking across the moat easily ang warding Souffle off. (Wasn't he Roogna's monster?) She heads in to Humfrey and tells him that it's about time for...something. She tells him to assign Jenny Elf to handle invitations. To...a thing. Humfrey agrees, and Clio leaves, happy that she has annoyed him.

quote:

Humfrey looked as if he had swallowed a stink horn. He hated to go out in public. But now he had no choice. "Yes."

Clio completed her turn and stepped out of the dismal study. Only then did she allow a small smile to hover in the vicinity of her lips. A person who did not know better might have supposed that she enjoyed discomfiting the notorious Good Magician.

(Pun Count: 1) Chapter 1 then jumps us to Breanna.

quote:

Breanna felt fortunate. It was partly her appearance, which was filling out nicely: she had lustrous black hair to her waist, and glowing green eyes. Her dark skin fairly shone. That was because she was a bright healthy girl of the Black Wave, and proud of her heritage. She should really be something, she thought, when she finally turned sixteen.

She turned away from the mirror pond and looked for a blackberry pie to eat before dawn. And that was the main thing: alone among the teens of her village, she had a magic talent. Normally only a baby delivered in Xanth had magic, but she was special. She blessed the day she had discovered it, for it had changed her life. She had come to the Land of Xanth with her Wave six years ago when she was nine, and thought she would never have magic. How wonderfully wrong that had turned out to be!

(Pun Count: 2)

quote:

Her talent was to see in blackness. That was why she now went about by night, and slept during the day. It was just so much more interesting at night, when other human folk were sleeping, and the weird creatures of darkness were abroad.

(Pun Count: 3) Also, Breanna has a spell that is supposed to warn her of direct threats to her body, and also has a knife.

quote:

There were no pie trees close by, but she did spy a tart bush. Tarts were a bit sharp on the tongue, but would do. She picked a black raspberry tart and bit into it, and it was fine. She found a coffee tree with a cup of black coffee, and that was fine too. At home she wasn't allowed to drink coffee yet, but that was yet another adventure of going out on her own: no one told her what not to do. Her folks were so dull that they could see only mundane things, despite living in a magic realm now. They would need special magic glasses to see most of the magic of Xanth.

(Pun Count: 5)

quote:

Breanna really didn't miss Mundania. Xanth was so much more interesting. Oh, there were dangers, but they were mostly magical, instead of dreary things like robbers and drunk drivers. She might have liked to have some chewing gum, but here it was as apt to chew the person as to be chewed.

(Pun Count: 6)

quote:

She saw what looked like a barrister bloom. Maybe if she wore its flower, it would enable her to argue her case better at home. It had a nice daisy-like flower. But as she touched it, something awkward happened. She jumped back. Oh, now she saw that it was a different plant, a bare aster. She wouldn't want to wear one of those flowers. She came to a river that seemed a bit too wide and deep to wade across. Fortunately there were big banana plants, or plantains, growing by its banks, with the biggest fruits she had seen. Magic could be very good for plants. So she grabbed onto an old plantain and managed to haul it down. She wedged it open and scooped out the remnant of its pulp. Now she had a banana boat. She used an old stem as a paddle, and moved across the water.

(Pun Count: 9)

quote:

Another craft came floating down the stream. It was small, and had two hulls, and several cats were on it. Oh�a catamaran. It figured. It had a sail, but one cat was busily shredding it with its claws. Then the cat spied Breanna, and dived down out of sight, terrified. That one would be called Fray D. Cat, she was sure./quote]

(Pun Count: 11)

[quote]She landed, and saw a big dog house with a small pup tent beside it. That too figured: big dog. little dog. Things tended to be literal, in Xanth.

(Pun Count: 14)

quote:

She saw a bright rift forming in the east, and realized that it was the first crack of dawn. Night was over, and soon light would spill through the crack and inundate the region, flooding it with day. So it was time for her to sleep. She loved her talent, but it did have the small disadvantage of making daylight uncomfortably bright for her. She acclimatized when she had to, but preferred not to bother. Also, she got tired, after being active all night. So now she simply slept in the daytime, when away from home.

(Pun Count: 15)

quote:

Unfortunately she wasn't sleepy yet. Oh�because of that coffee. She should have remembered that it had a mild wake-up spell. That was why her folks didn't let her drink it: they said she was enough of a handful by day, and they didn't need to have her active by night too. How little did they know! But though she hated to admit it, their rule would have helped her in this case. How could she get her rest? She looked around. She saw a large dried fish mounted on a pole. Birds were coming in to sit on it. That was a perch; it was a favorite resting place for birds. But she was no bird.

(Pun Count: 16)

quote:

There was a commotion, and several small metallic objects ran by. They looked like keys for doors, still new and shiny. Oh�those would be latchkey kids, running home. As she herself should be doing, if she weren't too ornery to give up her adventure. She saw them charge up to a big block marked WRITER. What were they doing around a writer's block? They climbed up on top of it, where there was a board. They settled down comfortably on that board, each little key evidently having its own spot. When every key was in place, the block put down wooden pegs and walked away.

"Oh, I get it," Breanna said. "The key board unlocks the writer's block." But her problem wasn't being blocked, but needing to get some sleep.

(Pun Count: 19)

quote:

She saw a spreading tree whose branches might offer a decent place to be. But then she recognized it as a sycamore, and the last thing she wanted was to get more and more sick.

(Pun Count: 20)

quote:

Then she remembered something she had seen nearby; dark glasses. They were supposed to have a spell to put folk to sleep. So she walked back to the spectacle bush she had passed recently and checked it over. Sure enough, one of its offerings was a handsome dark pair. And, conveniently close, was an open shelter with what looked like a comfortable bed under a pleasant canopy. Nobody was using it, so she would borrow it for a few hours.

(Pun Count: 21) Breanna is awakened by someone kissing her. She breathes in to scream, andh er glasses fall off, and she shuts her eyes. And as she does, she shuts her mouth because, and I quote, "she never thought to practice screaming with her eyes closed." And then she realizes that she should see if the kisser is hot before getting mad. She opens her eyes and squints, but can't see much yet. The kisser claims to be King Xeth, and says he woke her with a kiss because she is in the Pavilion of Love.

quote:

"When a woman wants to marry, she sleeps in the Pavilion of Love," he explained "Only a man of good appearance, character, and breeding can enter. If he chooses her, he kisses her awake. I was so glad to find a sleeping beauty instead of a sleeping bag."

(Pun Count: 22) Oh yes, only of good character. Xeth is 30, and Breanna is only fifteen, but he's sure she'll be a good wife. She tells him that she missed the sign, and he claims she'll be a great queen of zombies.

quote:

"The zombies. We felt it was time to have our own kingdom, so we held an election, and the healthiest zombie won. Me. But it is a condition of kingship that I marry, so as to summon a suitable heir and continue the line. That's why I came here, to find a wife."

"You�you're a zombie?" she asked, newly appalled Her hand came up to wipe frantically at her mouth. Her lips didn't feel zombied, but she wanted to wash them ten times as thoroughly as possible Was it contagious?

Xeth, see, is the son of Zora Zombie and Xavier. He plans to organize the wedding ASAP, but Breanna flees.

quote:

"But it has been decided," he protested. "You slept here. I kissed you. All the zombie women will be jealous of your lustrous long hair and firm flesh."

He can't find another girl because the magic of the Pavilion made him love her. His talent, of course, is mind reading.

quote:

"That is my talent: mind reading. I may fudge the details somewhat, but the power of your emotion comes through delightfully. I can tell that you have very strong feelings for me."

"That's because I loathe the very notion of being close to you!" she shot back.

"Yes, you love the notion of being close to me," he agreed. "It will be a perfect marriage."

She suspected that there was a bit of rot in his ear, too, but she didn't stay to argue the case. She tried to sneak behind a small tangle tree, but he still pursued her. "Why don't you marry a nice zombie girl?" she demanded over her shoulder.

"Because they are all too rotten," he said with considerable accuracy. "While that is no fault ordinarily, it is a fact that the storks don't like to deliver babies to zombie women. That's why it took ten years to persuade the stork to deliver me to my mother. So I need a living woman, just as my mother needed a living man. You are just perfect."

He had given her much too good an answer. She could not refute it logically. So she tried to do it emotionally. "I'm not perfect! I'm too young and immature and unready to settle down. I don't love you."

"You will surely grow older and more mature, and learn to settle down. You will be a fine inspiration for our corps d'esprit, our undead army. And I know where there is a fine love spring. The one where my mother learned to love my father."

(Pun Count: 23) Truly, his logic is inescapable.

quote:

He was still out-arguing her. If there was one thing she detested worse than a zombie, it was a smart zombie. So she let fly with the truth. "I don't want to marry a zombie!" Then she ran as fast as her healthy living legs could propel her, and soon left him out of sight and hearing.

She runs, finds a stream, then doubles back and tries to evade Xeth, hiding in a tree. Another zombie, however, is on her trail. It tells her that it can feel her magic talent, and now all zombies are looking for her, in service to Xeth.

quote:

She saw another zombie ahead of her. She dodged to the side, but found the way blocked by a five-sided object. She recognized it a penta-gone Anything that touched it would be gone, nobody knew where, and she didn't want to risk it. So she slowed, and stepped very carefully around it.

(Pun Count: 24) The zombie hits it and vanishes. She flees, finding a fat monster.

quote:

The monster opened its ponderous and mottled mouth and spewed forth an answer. "I am a hippo-crit."

(Pun Count: 25) It claims to be harmless, but she doesn't trust it because pun.

quote:

But maybe she could use it "Well, there's a really tasty morsel of a man following me." she said, sidling around the creature. "Too bad you're so friendly and harmless, because he would have made a nice meal for you." She found firmer footing beyond a hummock, and was satisfied that she could make a good run for it if she had to. "Too bad," the hippo agreed, and shifted its bulk to block the passage of the next person passing this way.

She moved quietly on. She was getting tired, and hungry, but all she saw was some shortening, and she knew better than to eat any of that. She didn't want to be any shorter than she was. She would avoid largening too, neither food appealed to her. Then she spied a variety of pie tree bearing mun danish, those were tasteless, boring pastries but she was used to them from her own term in Mundania, so could handle it. She picked several and chewed on them as she went. Where could she go where the zombies could not? Her mind was blank. So Breanna just kept running, fearing that wherever she stopped, a zombie would close in on her. What an awful mess she had gotten herself into! All because of that inviting bed in the pavilion.

(Pun Count: 27)

quote:

She was getting hot as well as tired. The sun was glaring. "I know I was stupid!" she yelled at it. Mollified by her admission, the sun eased its glare.

(Pun Count: 28) She reaches a village marked Norfolk, but everyone ignores her.

quote:

She came to the far edge of the village The sign there said You ARE NOW LEAVING IGNOREFOLK GOOD RIDDANCE TO YOU

(Pun Count: 29)

quote:

A side stitch caught up with her. The only way to get rid of one of those was to slow down until it zoomed on ahead, for they were speedy things. When she slowed, Breanna's mind began to work a bit better. She got an idea maybe the zombies couldn't go into the Region of Madness. She could maybe hide there, it wasn't far away. That was fortunate because she was getting too tired to continue much longer.

(Pun Count: 30) Breanna finds a guy named Ayitym, who can absorb properties of what he touches. She asks for directions to the Region of Madness, but he hurries off, fearing to go there. She soon meets another guy, Tyler, who has a different talent each day at random. Today, he can grow warts on toes. He directs Breanna to the Madness, which she understands due to her "girlish curiosity" leading her to explore it before. She finds a Mundane man named William Henry Taylor, and his dog, Puppy, who are in from Mundania after a long sickness. She heads on and finds a golem named Ricky, who leaves before she can ask him anything. She heads on, and someone asks her what the matter is.

quote:

Breanna looked up. There was Day Mare Imbri, her friend. Imbri had once been a night mare, but had gotten half a soul and turned too nice to handle the ugly job. Now she had become a tree nymph, and kept nice company with a tree faun. She was pure black; that was what had first attracted Breanna. What could be finer than a black mare? "Oh, Imbri! I'm in trouble,"

(Pun Count: 32) Breanna explains what happened to Imbri.

quote:

Still, Breanna had hold of a desperate notion. "I love my talent, but I hate being chased by zombies. If that's the price of my freedom, well maybe it's a necessary sacrifice. Can you take my talent and put it back where you found it?" For that was how she had come by it. Breanna had been born (not delivered) Mundane, and come to the land of Xanth with her Wave. No Mundane had magic. But the day mare had befriended her, and given her the talent she had found, and they had been friends ever since, all six months. So she was the only original Black Waver to have magic. The children who had been delivered (not born) since then did have black magic talents, but none of them were over six years old.

Imbri shook her head. "No, I can't do that. You had better go to the Good Magician for an Answer."

Imbri is unable to explain why she can't take Breanna's talent back. She offers, however, to explain in a dream...but then will have to take the dream and memory of being told back, though Breanna will remember understanding and agreeing with Imbri.

quote:

The forest faded, to be replaced by a scene from Breanna's memory There she was, walking out from the Black Village, perturbed about the unreasonable restrictions her Mundanish parents still put on her. Here she was, just fifteen, and still not allowed to date a boy and close the door. Or to wander out into the distant forest alone. They still treated her like a child.

She wished she could go far away, and have some fabulous adventure, free from parental restriction. Maybe even visit the shore, and see the sea. She had heard of a city there called Attle, where rude creatures retorted "Attle be the day!" to any expression of ambition. She'd love to tell off those creatures of Sea Attle. She'd like to eat a sea-mint, and see whether it really stuck the mouth tight shut.

(Pun Count: 35)

quote:

She started to get angry. Why couldn't she go and do these things? What right did anybody have to tell her no? It made her so blankety mad! She realized she was on a special path, with another path crossing it. Oh�she had blundered onto a cross walk. No wonder she had gotten so suddenly cross. She stepped off it, and her temper subsided. Still, she felt that some of her ire was justified. It was high time that the Black Village started spreading out and interacting more with the rest of this magic land, which really had so much to offer.

(Pun Count: 36)

quote:

Then she saw the beautiful black horse "Oh, you lovely creature!" she breathed.

Mare Imbri�s head turned "You can see me?" she asked in a dreamlet.

"Of course I can see you. You're pure black. You're the prettiest horse I ever saw. May I pat you?"

"I suppose, if you want to." Imbri was plainly taken aback.

Breanna approached She patted the mare on the shoulder. "I didn't even know there were horses in Xanth," she said "Or are you a unicorn, with your horn hidden?"

"I'm a� well, it is complicated."

"Oh, tell me!" Breanna pleaded.

"I was a night mare for two hundred years, then a day mare, and now I'm a tree nymph, but I can assume my old form when I want, and be solid, and make some dreams. My tree gives me that power. I forgot I was solid; that's why I thought you couldn't see me."

(Pun Count: 37)

quote:

Breanna was intrigued. "Did you have a night foal?"

"Not yet. But maybe now that I'm solid, it will happen. I would settle for whatever I could get,"

They talked, and soon Breanna told Imbri all about herself too. Then they parted, but agreed to meet again, for they liked each other. It seemed that girls and horses were attracted to each other just as strongly in Xanth as in Mundania.

A week later Mare Imbri asked Breanna if she would like a magic talent. "Oh, yes, I'd love it!" Breanna exclaimed, liking this mental game.

"If you could have any talent you wanted, what would it be?"

Breanna thought for a long time�at least a minute. "Not a big one, not a small one. One that's me. Only I don't know me well enough yet."

"What about the ability to conjure any kind of seed?"

"I suppose that's okay, but I'm no gardener. I'd rather change the world."

"Or perhaps the ability to choose the breed of your future children."

"Future children! I'm only fifteen. I don't want to even think of having children until I'm an ancient old woman of twenty five."

"What about transformation of the inanimate?"

"I already have enough trouble with living things. Why should I want to mess with dead things?"

"Then maybe the power to create a small void?"

That was tempting. "Like the big Void, only under my control?" But in half a moment she reconsidered. "No, it would be too dangerous. I might forget and sit in it, and be half-reared."

(Pun Count: 38)

quote:

Mare Imbri considered. "How about the ability to project a spot on a wall?"

"A black spot? Maybe, but spot-on-the-wall talents are a dime a dozen."

"This is a special spot. It's actually a picture. It improves with time, getting larger and more detailed, until it is a very nice image."

"Maybe so. but its not me."

"Hearing from a distance?"

"That's not me either."

"Then perhaps the ability to conjure a geyser at any spot?"

That was intriguing. But a moment's thought dampened it. "Still not me. What would I do with all that spouting water?"

Imbri swished her tail. One might almost suspect she was becoming a smidgen impatient. "What would you consider to be you?"

Breanna had worked out her answer, "To see in blackness. That would be ideal."

"I think I have found a talent like that. I want you to have it." Breanna laughed. "But talents don't just lie around waiting for folk to take them! You have to be born�I mean, delivered with them."

"There are many kinds of magic in Xanth. Come with me, but don't tell anyone what you see."

"I promise," Breanna agreed, intrigued. Of course she couldn't get any magic talent, but just imagining it was fun.

"You will have to ride me," Imbri said. "It's some distance."

Breanna was delighted by the prospect. "Okay. But though I love horses�especially black ones�I'm not an experienced rider."

"There will be no problem."

So Breanna climbed onto Mare Imbri's back, and the horse took off. She galloped somewhat faster than the wind, seeming to pass right through trees, and the girl was entirely at ease, not even close to falling off. That was part of the magic of it. Sometimes they even seemed to be flying through the air.

Still, she had a doubt to work through. "Do some talents lie around, waiting for folk?"

"In a manner. For example, there's the C Tree. Its seeds do marvelous things. If you need a lot of water, you can invoke a C big enough to sail a ship on. Or you could put a C on your eye and C much farther than before. Or if you are afraid of failure, you can put a C seed in your mouth and suck-seed."

(Pun Count: 41)

quote:

"I C," Breanna said. "I mean, I sea�er, see. But that's not the same as a talent, because you are using something else."

(Pun Count: 43)

quote:

"The right C might give you the talent of C-ing better than ever."

Breanna shrugged. "I suppose so. Though if I tried to hide one in my bosom, it might C too much. I'd rather have an innate talent."

(Pun count: 45)

quote:

Then, suddenly. Mare Imbri stopped. They were in a towering castle As Breanna slid to the ground, amazed, the loveliest woman she had ever seen appeared Her hair was long and pleasantly greenish and the rest of her would make a professional model jealous/ "Hello, Breanna." she said "I am Chlorine. This is my friend Nimby." She gestured behind Breanna, and when Breanna turned, there was a huge dragon with a silly donkey head. Breanna started to giggle, but managed to stifle it down into half a peep.

(Pun Count: 46)

quote:

"Nimby would like to share your dreams," Chlorine said "Is that all right with you?"

"You mean, this dragon will appear m my dreams?"

"Not exactly. He will merely watch."

"Well, whatever, it's okay with me. My dreams aren't much."

"Thank you," Chlorine said.

Then Breanna was riding on Imbri again, back the way they had come. She wasn't quite sure how that had happened, but dreams did tend to be discontinuous, so she wasn't concerned.

What did concern her was the lateness of the hour. She realized that the day had passed without her noticing, and darkness was closing. "I'll be late getting home," she said "I'll catch heaven." There were times she needed to swear, but that could get her into trouble, so she substituted words.

"There will be no trouble," Imbri's dreamlet image said "Look around you."

Breanna looked�and realized that she could see everything. She could see in blackness! That was the beginning of her wonderful private life. She never told anyone else about her visit to the mysterious castle with the beautiful woman and ugly dragon, or about her brand new talent. The castle scene was probably just a daydream, but the talent was delightfully real.

"That's the way it was," she agreed as the memory dream ended "You, or maybe your friends, found the talent for me. But why can't I give it back?"

A new dream formed. This was of Imbri, grazing by a clog tree. Near it was a sandalwood tree, where a faun danced and played pan pipes. Then Imbri changed to nymph form and went to tousle the faun's hair, and he patted her pert bare bottom. Obviously the two got along well.

A dragon appeared�the one with the silly donkey head. On its back was the fair Chlorine. They stopped before the faun and nymph "Nimby wants to dream," Chlorine said.

"Dragons can dream," Imbri replied.

"But demons don't."

"Demons?" the faun asked.

"Yes, Forrest. Will you keep a secret?"

Forrest and Imbri glanced at each other. "I think we had better." Imbri said.

"Nimby is really the Demon X(A/N)th."

(Pun Count: 47)

quote:

Both faun and nymph laughed, thinking this a joke. Then the dragon transformed into a huge glowing demon figure, and the scene turned inside out. After a moment the scene returned to normal, with the dragon back. There was no further laughter.

"You are the expert on dreams, Imbri," Chlorine said "Can you teach Nimby to dream? By himself, without having to view it as done by mortals?"

Imbri was plainly awed. "I don't know. No demon has ever dreamed. They don't have the mortal coil for it. They don't know what living emotions are. So there's nothing for dream1 to fix on."

"Living emotions," Chlorine said thoughtfully "Like love?"

"Yes, that especially Demons think love is silly. Of course Nimby�" She framed the word with a peculiar emphasis now that she knew what it signified "Nimby is not just any demon. So possibly�"

"Nimby loves. He learned it from Mundanes, among others."

"Oh. Then maybe he should start to learn dreaming from Mundanes too. They are less complicated than magical creatures. If he could follow the dreams of one, perhaps a young one he might be able to pick up the essence. I can't deliver a dream to one who doesn�t know how to do it. It's like love, you can't accomplish it until you learn how." Imbri glanced at Forrest Faun, and a little heart flew across to bop him on the nose. He smiled.

"The Mundane family we know returned to Mundania," Chlorine said "Fresh Mundanes are hard to come by."

"I know one, " Imbri said "She has been in Xanth almost half her life, but she remembers Mundania."

"Bring her here."

"But is it wise to let a Mundane know Nimby's true nature?"

"It isn't wise to let anyone know Nimby's true nature," Chlorine said firmly. "We have told you only because we need your informed help."

"Make her a deal." Forrest Faun suggested. "Give her what she most wants, if she will share her dreams with you."

"What would she want?" Chlorine asked.

"What would any Mundane want?" the faun asked rhetorically. "A magic talent, of course. Don't tell her who Nimby is, just make the deal."

Chlorine looked at Nimby, who wiggled a long ear. She returned to Imbri. "Bring her to the Nameless Castle."

Imbri resumed mare form and galloped swiftly away. Chlorine mounted Nimby, and both vanished. Forrest waved at the space where they had been, and retired to his sandalwood tree.

Imbri then explains that Nimby would not feel free to watch her dreams if he took the talent back, and he's so powerful that it's a risk to go back on a deal for him, since it'd mean more of his attention, which is dangerous. Breanna agrees that she can't give her talent back, then forgets the entire dream sequence except for her agreement. Imbri promises to watch for the zombies as she sleeps, so Breanna goes to sleep.

Pun Count: 47 by the end of Chapter 1.

# ? Jan 19, 2014 23:06

gegi: Aug 3, 2004; Butterfly Girl

... so, naturally we wouldn't want to actually put a black girl on the cover of the book because then people might be afraid to read yet another adventure in underage forced marriage?

# ? Jan 20, 2014 00:55

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 2 jumps us over to Dor. Oh boy. He heads to the library of Roogna to meet Irene.

quote:

He went to the castle library. Queen Irene was just watering the flame vine she had growing there, to make light for reading. It was curled in a rising spiral, with hot little leaves, and the flower on the end was a ball of rose-like petals of red flame. Unfortunately it hated water, so tried to burn anyone who watered it. Irene was the only one who could do it, and it wasn't always easy. The plant wasn't smart enough to realize that its roots needed water if it was to survive.

(Pun Count: 48)

quote:

Irene turned to glance at him. She had been a luscious young woman, but now she was safely middle aged and rather beyond lusciousness. It would not be politic to mention that, however. "Yes. Can you distract it a moment?"

Dor focused on the clock sitting on the far side of the vine. "Is that a time fly flying toward you?" he asked it.

(Pun Count: 49)

quote:

"A time fly!" it cried, alarmed. It was an alarm clock, that got alarmed by the silliest things. "Don't let it near me! It will foul up my mechanism."

(Pun Count: 50)

quote:

"I think the fish tank just got it," the shelf said. The fish tank in the neighboring aquarium swung its turret around, searching for the fly. It rolled forward on its treads, but no fly was to be found. It fired off a watery shell, annoyed.

(Pun Count: 51)

quote:

"Maybe it's a sapphire fly," the aquarium said.

The flame vine's flower whipped around, because those bright little flies were its kind. They set fire to the sap of plants, which made them unpopular with most other types.

(Pun Count: 52) Irene waters it.

quote:

"Oh, she got you good, flamebrain," the pot said. "Don't you ever learn?"

The flame vine took aim and scorched it, but the pot only laughed. "I was fired long ago, tender-root. That's why I sought work here. You can't hurt me."

(Pun Count: 53) Irene threatens the pot with hair spray if it won't stop arguing.

quote:

Irene brought out a bottle and pressed the top. A jet of hair shot out and formed a cloud around the pot. Soon it got worse: the hair formed into choking tangles. "Oh, ugh!" it exclaimed, coughing. "What a hairy mess!"

(Pun Count: 54)

quote:

Irene brought out a hare comb. "After this perhaps you will behave," she said as the hare tackled the worst of the tangles, clearing the pot's surface.

(Pun Count: 55)

quote:

Irene moved on to the miniature hackberry tree. It bore small axe-shaped berries that waved about, trying to hack things. Her watering can had many little dents from prior times.

(Pun Count: 56)

quote:

Dor looked in the aquarium. It was a fish bowl, and inside it pin and needle fish stood on their tails, waiting to be bowled over.

(Pun Count: 58)

quote:

Irene shot half a glance at the ceiling, and it went silent. She didn't like discussion of age. "We have news that the zombies are all stirred up. Mr. E brought it to our attention." Mr. E was a man who loved enigmas. In fact he could sniff them out from afar. He never solved them; he merely called them to the attention of others who were likely to be willing to undertake that chore.

(Pun Count: 59) We also learn that Irene has not spoken to Zora Zombie in literally years; she and Dor only vaguely know that Zora had a kid. Dor decides to bring Dolph and Bink to help investigate this zombie business.

quote:

"Maybe your father, too," she suggested. "He and Chameleon just got youthened, and I think he's still getting used to it."

Dor remembered. His mother Chameleon varied with the phases of the moon, becoming beautiful and stupid, or smart and ugly. She had been rejuvenated too, but was currently in her ugly phase, and not much company for anyone. "Yes; it will do him good to get out for an afternoon."

Irene waited, as if he had said something stupid. Usually when she did that, she had reason. So he pondered.

The nearest book helped him. "You must be missing something really obvious," it said. "Maybe you should read a good book."

Suddenly it came to him. "They've been what?"

"Youthened," she said with half a smile, or slightly more. "Instead of being eighty one, now he's twenty one. Physically. And Chameleon is a child of sixteen."

He was stunned. "Why? I thought they were getting ready to fade out."

"Nobody knows. There were two doses of youth elixir in the package the Good Magician sent to Jenny Elf this morning, and they were marked for them. So now they are both young again. Younger than their grandchildren."

"The Good Magician always has a reason," Dor said. "But he never gives away anything free. Do they have some arduous service to perform for him?"

Because no character ever goes away. No one knows what Bink and Chameleon are to do, except possibly Jenny Elf, who is doing some grand task. Dor goes to hunt down Dolph.

quote:

The inanimate things and surfaces around him directed him to the kitchen, where Dolph and Electra were showing their daughters Dawn and Eve how to make punwheel cookies. The children were six, going rapidly on seven, and already seemed to have the hang of handling the required puns and wheels. Electra was 874 or twenty seven, depending on whether reckoned by date of delivery or amount of active living; she had taken a long nap in the middle of her life. The twins were cute in proportion to their mischief, which was considerable.

(Pun Count: 61) Dolph goes to get cleaned up, and Dor goes to get Bink.

quote:

Before him stood a lad of twenty one, and a girl of sixteen. The lad was handsome and muscular. The girl was ugly. Both were in ill-fitting clothing; indeed, the girl was in the process of pinning the boy's trousers so they would fit better.

"I think this is the wrong room," Dor said, embarrassed.

"No it isn't, son," the woman said in Chameleon's voice. "Don't stand there with your mouth agape; close the door behind you."

It really was true. These were his parents, youthened by�

"Sixty years," Chameleon said. "We each took the same dosage. We have no idea why the Good Magician sent the elixir, but concluded that he must have good reason. He has not made any requirement of us, as yet."

"But he surely will, in due course," Bink added. "I must say that apart from the awkwardness of ill-fitting clothing, it feels rather good to be young again. There's a certain vigor I had forgotten."

"Why did you come, Dor?" Chameleon asked. She tended to be abrupt in her smart/ugly phase, having little patience with the slower intellects of others. She was more popular when in her lovely/stupid phase.

Dor explains.

quote:

"Good idea," Chameleon said. "Go ahead, Bink; you're not much help around here. I'll fix your other clothes and mine in the interim." She paused. "Including a showy dress for my other phase."

Bink nodded appreciatively. Chameleon had been generally acknowledged to be the loveliest woman in Xanth, when young and in phase, and even in age she was elegant. Now she was young again. Dor found it awkward thinking of his parents having romantic interests, but realized it was possible. His mother's combination of traits at the far end�extreme beauty and extreme stupidity�made her a very fine romantic prospect. The extremes would be much sharper, now that she was a teenager. Well, soon they would return to the North Village, and he could put that awkward aspect out of his mind.

They head to Jenny now, meeting up with Dolph.

quote:

Jenny Elf was in an office chamber on the main floor, laboring at a desk. On her left was a huge pile of envelopes, and on her right a small pile of addressed envelopes. Before her, on the desk, was her cat, Sammy She looked up wearily as they approached. She was a small girl, with pointed ears, freckles, big spectacles, and four-fingered hands. She had come to Xanth by accident, at the age of twelve, when some kind of hole had appeared in the fabric of whatever, and been stuck here since. It had been nine years, because it happened just before Dolph and Electra married.

Dolph offers to help her out.

quote:

"I wish you could, Dolph," Jenny said "But the instructions say that all of the invitations must be written in the same hand and that is mine. They all have to be done in two days too, so I must keep at it." She shook her right hand and little sprigs of tiredness flew out from it.

Wedding invitations, it seems. Some kind of royal wedding in which a king or prince will marry a commoner. It will happen at Roogna in one week. Electra is to be maid of honor and Dor will be standing in for the father of the bride. Bink is best man, and Dolph is the chief usher. Jenny, apparently, is not invited. She assures them she's not upset - her birthday is the same day and she'll just celebrate that with Sammy. The others find this unfair and unsatisfying. They decide to attend her birthday party before the wedding. Jenny thanks them, and they leave, wondering why Humfrey has set her to do this.

quote:

Dor remembered something. "Didn't Jenny get a gene-tic to fix her eyes so she wouldn't need those spectacles?"

(Pun Count: 62) Jenny apparently just forgets to take them off. And we learn now that Souffle Serpent splits time between Roogna and Humfrey's castle.

quote:

Souffl� hissed again. "His Designated Wife made the guest list and assignments. MareAnn. Except for Jenny to do the invitations. That was Clio the Muse of History who decided that."

(Pun Count: 63) Bink recaps MareAnn's story and they decide to deal with this later.

quote:

"We need a name for our group," Dolph said

Dor hadn't seen the necessity, but humored him. "We three kings."

"But I'm not a king," Bink protested.

"You're the father of a king, and Dolph is the son of a king," Dor said "That's close enough."

Bink shrugged. "It will be nice to be a king for a few hours, even if in name only."

Dolph takes them to find a zombie, and Bink spots one. They land, but end up missing the zombie and finding a centaur instead. She is Cindy and she directs them.

quote:

"You are welcome." She loosed her arrow, and it neatly severed the stem of high root beer mug. The roots cushioned its fall so that it did not break or spill, and she was able to pick it up and drink from it.

(Pun Count: 64) They find the zombie, asking it what's going on, but it can't clearly tell them. They go hunting for a fresher one.

quote:

Dolph changed form and they got aboard his feet. They flew across Xanth until they spied another likely figure. Three figures, in fact, suitably tattered. They came down for a landing on the beach on the southern shore of Xanth. They walked toward the place where the figures stood.

But what they had taken to be tatters of clothing and odd bits of flesh turned out to be three women with veils and ruffles. The first woman spied them. "Ah, you are the men who have come to marry us!" she exclaimed.

"We are?" Dolph asked, perplexed.

"Aren't you?" she asked, coming up to embrace him. "I am Miss Conception. Do you wish to kiss me before or after the wedding?"

(Pun Count: 65)

quote:

"But I'm already married!" Dolph protested.

The second woman approached Bink. "Yes, he is eager to be married," she said. "And I hope you are too, even if you do seem a bit young for me. I am Miss Interpret."

(Pun Count: 66)

quote:

"I'm eighty one," Bink said.

"Now I know I misheard that. You can t be over twenty one."

"Something is not right about this," the third woman said, approaching Dor. "Is there something wrong with you too? I am Miss Givings."

(Pun Count: 67)

quote:

"I'm afraid there is," Dor said. "We are looking for zombies."

"Your taste in women is weird."

"I mean that we wish to question zombies. We thought you were� that is, that you looked like�" He realized that they might not take kindly to the comparison.

"Like girls ready to marry," Miss Conception said. "Of course. And you are right. Let's do it right now, and summon lots of storks."

"Wow!" her veil said "That should be fun."

"We are all married." Dolph said desperately.

"Yes, you all want to get married," Miss Interpret agreed, staring blissfully into Bink's young eyes. "It's so nice that we are in agreement. I'm sure you will mature in due course."

"In a pork s eye," Her tassel said.

"But you do look a bit old," Miss Givings said to Dor.

This goes on for a bit, and the party realizes they should go see the Zombie Master.

quote:

"I don't think so," Miss Givings said regretfully. "I fear we are confusing things. These men mistook us for zombies."

"Mistook us for zombies!" Miss Conception exclaimed. "Does a zombie have this?" She lifted her tasseled blouse and showed her bare but healthy upper torso.

"Wow!" a nearby stone said. "She must have nymphly ancestry I haven't seen boobies like that since that flock of dodos waddled by."

(Pun Count: 68)

quote:

"That's boobs, you boob." another stone said "You got rocks in your head?"

(Pun Count: 70) The men do their best to flee.

quote:

"I knew there was a catch," Miss Givings said. "There always is."

"Yes, they are surely a great catch," Miss Interpret agreed.

(Pun Count: 71) They head off to Castle Zombie, leaving the women behind. Dor apparently doesn't realize this was Bink's talent at work because, it seems, he doesn't know Bink's talent. However, they are told that the Zombie Master isn't in. Millie is, though, so they head in to meet her.

quote:

"Come in and have some tee and crumples," Millie said, ever the gracious hostess. She was now in her early seventies, in terms of active living time, and in her eight hundreds chronologically. Like Electra, she had taken a number of centuries out, remaining her then-age of seventeen. She was still a lovely woman. Her talent was sex appeal, and age had masked but not abolished it. Dor remembered how she had been his baby-sitter when he was twelve, and how her beauty and talent had affected him then. He was still a little bit in love with her, but he had it well under control. Her present physical age helped.

Her tee and crumples were delicious, of course. The tee was in cups shaped like the letter T, and the crumples were twisted and crunched bits of pastry that looked like failed efforts but weren't. They were appropriate for a place in which zombies thronged. "And to what do I owe the honor of this visit?" she inquired.

(Pun Count: 73) They explain their purpose. Millie has no idea why the zombies are all so bothered, and explains about the election of King Xeth. They decide they should meet with Xeth. The Zombie Master would know where he is, but it will be hard to meet him - he's exploring the worlds of Ptero, hunting for a zombie world, to give the zombies their own homeland.

quote:

"He made an arrangement with Princess Ida and the Night Stallion to explore them in the dream realm," she explained. "It's more convenient that way, and safer, because he can't truly be lost or hurt, and he can search more efficiently."

(Pun Count: 75) He's essentially exploring the worlds as a phantom - he can interact with things, but not take them home. He has magic chalk to mark his path, but needs time to get a chance to use it, so doesn't want to be called back suddenly. They can, however, use the same spell to track him by his glowing footprints. The party agrees to hunt for Jonathon that way.

Pun Count: 75 by the end of Chapter 2.

# ? Jan 21, 2014 15:38

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 3 sends us back to Breanna. Imbri offers to find her a private path to Humfrey.

quote:

"What's a private enchantment?"

"One that's nonofficially sanctioned by King Dor. This one was set up by ComPassion, and�"

(Pun Count: 76)

quote:

Imbri trotted along beside her. "It's right this way, beyond the Jackpot there."

Breanna saw a man sitting on a big glowing pot. She paused. "I know the centaurs are open about natural functions, and maybe some other folk are too, but I'd prefer to wait until he gets off the pot."

Imbri made a laughing neigh. "He's not having a function! He's giving away money. Everyone who passes him has to take some, to get on the path."

(Pun Count: 77)

quote:

Sure enough, as they approached Jack reached down under himself, into the depth of the pot, and pulled out a handful of grubby coins. Imbri took one in her mouth, and Breanna took another in her hand.

"But what's the point?" she asked as they stepped onto the path.

"Jackpots just like to give away lots of money." Imbri still held the coin; she wasn't speaking with her mouth, but with a dreamlet.

"I can see that. I mean, what's the money for? No one buys anything in Xanth, does she?"

Imbri considered. "Well, you might encounter a slot machine some time. They eat coins." Breanna nodded, and put the soiled coin in her purse. She didn't like dirty money, but perhaps it would be useful sometime.

Of course they do. Breanna heads for Passion's cave, but is trapped by zombies.

quote:

She turned at the sign and ran into the cave. At least it wasn't supposed to be dangerous, and maybe it would provide a place to hide from the zombies. It was dark, but of course that was no problem for her. She saw several jars of currant jelly, and realized that there must be something electrical nearby.

(Pun Count: 78) Breanna gives Passion her coin as a gift.

quote:

Why thank you, Blackwave girl. I love it. There followed a little row of hearts.

Breanna looked for a place to set the coin.

Give it to my mouse, Com Passion printed.

(Pun Count: 79) Breanna hands it over and gets confused.

quote:

"This is the cave of ComPassion, a machine who can change reality in her demesnes."

"Oh, I hope she's not mean!" Breanna blurted. Then she tried to take it back. "I mean --"

The screen appeared Not mean or demean. Demesnes. My territory.

(Pun Count: 81) Breanna explains her needs, and Passion offers to make her invisible to zombies for a few hours. In return, Breanna offers to teach her how to play Solitaire.

quote:

"Well, there are fifty two of them in a pack, in four suits Spades, Hearts, Diamonds, and Clubs Each suit has thirteen cards, going from Ace --that's one--to King. On the backs there is some design or picture." As she spoke, the image of the cards appeared Breanna tried to take one, but her hand passed through it, it was illusion. So she asked Terian to lay them down on a table which obligingly appeared. Terian was able to handle the cards as if they were real, because Terian herself was mostly illusion in this form. Probably ComPassion could make her solid, but illusion was more energy efficient. Soon they had a pack of cards on the table, with a picture of ComPassion on the back, and the suit designs on the front: shovels, little beating hearts, scintillating diamond gems, and cudgels. Mare Imbri evidently served as the model for the queens, and a faun Breanna didn't recognize stood for the kings, while the jacks had black faces and looked like Breanna. They were ready to play.

(Pun Count: 85)

quote:

"I know only three solitaire games," Breanna said. "But they're pretty good. First there's Klondike. Deal out seven cards in a row, with only the first one face up." Terian did so. "Then six more, starting with the second row, only the first face up. And so on, until there are seven face- up cards. Now you try to find aces and set them above, and build on them by suit right up to the king. You can build down from any card in the tableau, like putting that red four on that black five." Breanna continued her instructions, and found that Com Passion was a very quick study; nothing needed to be repeated.

"Now you just keep playing, until it stalls out," Breanna concluded. "Which it usually does, after a while. It's hard to win unless you cheat."

"Cheat?"

"Break the rules."

"But how can it be a game with no rules?"

Breanna realized that the machine was wired to be honest, and didn't understand dishonesty. "It can't be," she said. "So go ahead and play."

Breanna has to show them how to play, though - Passion isn't a very good original thinker. She decides to teach Freecell instead.

quote:

"Okay. Here's one I learned off my computer in Mundania." She paused, realizing that ComPassion was a computer. So this should be good. "It's called Free Cell. It's a little like Klondike, and a little different. Deal out eight rows of cards, face up, and keep dealing more, overlapping them until they are all there. You want to build up on the four aces, same as in Klondike, and you can build down with alternating colors too. You have four free cells where you can park cards." She continued, and Terian laid out the cards and played according to directions. "Every game is supposed to be winnable, if you play right, but it's usually too complicated for me. But maybe you, with your logical mind--"

"We must see a game played through to victory first," Terian reminded her.

So Breanna tried, but game after game blocked up. She knew she was making misplays, but couldn't help it. In fact, as time wore on, she was getting worse. She wanted to quit--except for the zombies outside.

So she goes for a third game.

quote:

So she proceeded to her third and last game. "This one's called Accordion. It's pretty simple to play, but almost impossible to win." She quailed inwardly as she said it. But since she was messing up on the theoretically winnable game, maybe she would luck out and win this one. It wasn't much of a hope, but what else was there? "It's called that because it tends to expand and contract, like an accordion." She paused. "Do you know what an accordion is?"

"No," Terian said.

"It's a musical instrument that you pump like a bellows. Do you know what a bellows is?"

"Yes."

Breanna was learning caution. "What is your definition?"

"A person who shouts loudly."

(Pun Count: 86)

quote:

Just so. "There is another type of bellows: a device that pumps air by flexing in and out. It's used in Mundania."

Terian nodded. "Secondary definition noted."

"And the accordion has a keyboard on one side, and harmony notes on the other side, and--well, it doesn't matter. Deal out the cards face up, a row of about six, face up."

"About six?" Terian asked. "Surely it must be exactly six."

"Not according to fuzzy logic. Uh, do you know--"

"There is a colony of warm fuzzies nearby. They are not known for their logical abilities."

(Pun Count: 87) Breanna shows them how to play. I am cutting it because a full page of solitaire playing is just boring as poo poo. She fails to win.

quote:

Breanna was about ready to tear her hair, but refrained, because it was really nice hair. "Look, I can't seem to win a game for love nor money, and I need to get on my way. Is there any other way I can get that zombie-no- see spell?"

"You are offering love or money?" Terian inquired.

Oops. "Not literally. It's zombie love I'm trying to escape, and money isn't much use in Xanth. I mean, is there any other deal I can make with you, since this one isn't working out?"

There was the barest pause. "We are intrigued by these games. Find another person to play them in your stead, one who can play one through to victory. At that point we will give you the spell."

Passion gives her the zombie invisibility spell to go find someone who can win. She doesn't even consider the chance of Breanna skipping out, and while Breanna brings it up, she...doesn't do it. For reasons. She tests the spell out.

quote:

The zombie ignored her. He continued to shuffle toward her. She realized that they would collide if she didn't get out of the way. So she moved clear, just in time, and the zombies passed behind her.

"Have you sheen anyshing, Seymour Bones?" one inquired of the other.

"Noshing, Rick R. Mortis," the other replied.

(Pun Count: 89) Breanna runs into a dull man collecting dirt, who insults her. His name is Smart Alec. (Pun Count: 90) She asks him to play solitaire for her, but he thinks she wants him to gently caress her. She refuses, and he tells her to check with Com-Pewter. (Pun Count: 91) Now she just has to figure out how to get to Pewter.

quote:

Well, maybe the same way she had gotten here. But first she had to prepare. Could Pewter's activities possibly be construed as censorship? In Mundania that was the suppression of certain political, ribald, or otherwise objectionable speaking or writing and it happened a lot. No matter how innocent or well meaning the expression there was bound to be somebody who found it offensive and wanted to abolish it dictating that only that particular person's beliefs and expressions were truly free. In Xanth it was brought by the Censor Ship, a dread craft whose docking meant awful mischief for those in the vicinity. She recalled when the Black Wave had suffered some of its effect. They had managed to escape it, fortunately, but all of them remembered. That was why they had made it a point to get on good terms with the De Censor Ship. Wherever that went, it abolished the evil suppression of the other ship, and even nulled the dread Adult Conspiracy of silence. So the DC Ship wasn't welcome in most quarters, because the Adult Conspiracy was almost universal in Xanth, even dragons and ogres honored it. But because the Black Wave had emigrated from Mundania six years ago, its elder children mostly knew the secrets, and weren't affected. Breanna herself understood perfectly how to summon the stork. She just didn't much care to do it yet, and not ever until she found someone really worthwhile. Meanwhile it was convenient to pretend that she was as innocent as a regular Xanth juvenile. The words "I'm only fifteen" scared off just about any pushy male. Except, unfortunately, one whose brain was rotten, like a zombie king. So she had no fear of the De Censor Ship, and in fact it could be useful on occasion. It was just a matter of proper management.

(Pun Count: 92)

quote:

She concluded that Pewter's habit of revising reality could indeed be called censorship, because he didn't allow opposing folk to have their say. Therefore his activity should be of interest to the Ship. And that was all she needed.

She cupped her hands around her mouth "Fee Fo Fi Hp--I smell Censorship!" she called.

Immediately the lights of a ship hove into view. It was magic and could sail through land rather than water. That was because it was the opposite of the Censor Ship which sailed on water.

"Hello there Breanna," a girl in a sailor hat called.

"Hello. Tsunami." Breanna replied Tsunami's magic talent was liquidation, which was why she was a vital crew member. She could turn any solid to water and back again. Without that the ship would become landbound in a hurry.

"What have you found?" Tsunami asked as the ship sloshed to a stop beside Breanna. She felt the land making little waves; it was weird.

"I just realized that Com-Pewter is guilty of censorship," Breanna said. "I want to go there and remonstrate with him."

"Then get aboard," Tsunami said, rolling down the gangplank.

They head to the Gap.

quote:

Breanna spied a line extending across the chasm. "Why not use that as a guide to cross more quickly?" she asked.

Tsunami looked. "Oh, no, that's a time line. Follow that, and it takes you back in time."

(Pun Count: 93)

quote:

Tsunami looked ahead. "Ah, there's Clappy. His reports are always useful."

Breanna saw a nondescript man standing near the ship. "Reports?"

"Yes." Tsunami called out to the man. "Hey, make us a report!"

The man clapped his hands together. Instead of a clapping sound, they made a report: "The weather is fair on this day." He clapped them again and made another report: "The Gap Dragon is foraging at the far end of the chasm at this hour." He clapped a third time: "Three kings are traveling to Castle Zombie to inquire what is stirring up the zombies."

(Pun Count: 94)

quote:

They sailed on up the far side of the chasm, then resumed normal travel across the land. "Oh, there's a lady bug," Tsunami said, pleased.

In a moment the lady flew low and landed on the deck. She folded her bug wings and her glossy shawl covered them. It was brightly colored, with spots. "May I ride with you a while?" she inquired.

"Certainly," Tsunami said. "I love lady bugs. You are all so pretty."

(Pun Count: 95) The De Censor Ship drops Breanna off at Pewter's cave, then leaves. She confronts Pewter about his censoring reality, but he makes her change the subject, which is fine by her, so she offers to teach him a new game. And he, too, thinks that she wants to gently caress him.

quote:

The screen formed an eye. The eye ran over her form in much the way Smart Alec's eye had. I AM UNABLE TO PLAY SUCH GAMES, TO MY REGRET.

Pewter brings out Tristan, and she teaches him how to play solitaire. He's smart enough to be good at it despite Pewter's unoriginality. He wins the game, and Breanna tells Pewter about Passion. Tristan mentions that he understands loneliness.

quote:

"No female of my kind will associate with me. That is one reason I accepted this position."

I CAN MAKE THIS FEMALE ASSOCIATE WITH YOU, Com Pewter offered.

"No!" Breanna cried, suddenly really truly awfully alarmed. "I'm only fifteen! I'm only fifteen!"

I CAN STORE HER IN THE BACK OF THE CAVE FOR THREE YEARS UNTIL SHE COMES OF AGE. THERE IS PLENTY OF GRUEL AND WATER TO FEED HER.

"No!" Breanna screamed. "You can't--"

FEMALE IS SILENT.

She was unable to speak. What an awful turn this had taken! She was escaping the zombie only to be caught by a troll.

"Let her go," Tristan said. "If I believed in abusing children, I would never have gotten in trouble with my kind. She has come on legitimate business, and should be allowed to complete it."

Anyway.

quote:

"This is interesting," Tristan said. "We did not know of this entity. Perhaps we can set up a data link."

"I guess. I'm not exactly sure how you do that."

"By changing reality," the troll said. "I can work it out in theory, and Pewter can implement it."

GET THE GUI, Pewter's screen printed.

Tristan went to the back of the cave, and came back with a double handful of goo. He lifted it high, letting it stretch down in a gooey sheet along the wall. "This is a graphical user interface," he explained. "It helps show what you are dealing with."

"Uh, sure," Breanna agreed faintly as the goo covered the entire stone surface, making it glisten.

Tristan stepped back, wiping his hands. "The GUI is in place," he reported.

(Pun Count: 96) Tristan thinks Terian is hot when they meet, and Breanna teaches them how to play two-player Klondike. Tristan, on Breanna's advice, lets Terian win, and she hits on him for it. Passion is happy with how things turn out, especially the bit where the two mice lust for each other, and sets Breanna loose to go find Humfrey's castle.

Pun Count: 96 by the end of Chapter 3.

# ? Jan 21, 2014 17:22

Tezzor: Jul 29, 2013; Can't post for 3 years!

quote:

Breanna felt fortunate. It was partly her appearance, which was filling out nicely: she had lustrous black hair to her waist, and glowing green eyes. Her dark skin fairly shone. That was because she was a bright healthy girl of the Black Wave, and proud of her heritage. She should really be something, she thought, when she finally turned sixteen.

very first sentence describing a new character is saying how beguilingly hot this 15 year old girl is becoming

quote:

Irene turned to glance at him. She had been a luscious young woman, but now she was safely middle aged and rather beyond lusciousness. It would not be politic to mention that, however.

Very first thought Dor has upon seeing his true love gardening his how frumpy she is and how she used to be so much hotter 2 kids and 40 years ago.

quote:

Dor remembered. His mother Chameleon varied with the phases of the moon, becoming beautiful and stupid, or smart and ugly. She had been rejuvenated too, but was currently in her ugly phase, and not much company for anyone. "Yes; it will do him good to get out for an afternoon."

Dor remembered the central characteristic of his own mother.

# ? Jan 21, 2014 17:49

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

He just can't get Bink off the loving stage, can he?

# ? Jan 22, 2014 10:56

Runcible Cat: May 28, 2007; Ignoring this post

Alopex posted:

He just can't get Bink off the loving stage, can he?

But Bink has the hottest wife ever! She's gorgeous and stupid! (Except not all the time, because that would be boring.) How can you expect him to let that die off?

# ? Jan 22, 2014 17:51

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 4. Bink is our viewpoint.

quote:

The three kings followed Millie up the winding stairway. This gave them an excellent view of her posterior, reminding Bink forcibly of her talent of sex appeal. In this rejuvenated state he noticed such things, and it tended to catch him off guard. He wasn't eighty one anymore, physically. So, to avoid the embarrassment of an untoward thought, he focused his attention elsewhere.

Bink hears a moan, and Millie explains that it is a strange blob the zombies found. It suffers for no clear reason. Bink goes to look at it. He talks to it, but it just moans. It does seem to be alive, though. They move on, since they have no ideas for how to help. Millie gives them the sleep spell, and Bink suggests also giving it to the blob. They travel in dream form to Ida, who takes a nap so she can chat. Bink finds he has trouble thinking of Ida as his granddaughter due to her just showing up as an adult. Ida explains about the worlds of her moon, guiding them on how to get to Ptero. From there, they track the Zombie Master north, and note that something, though they aren't sure what, seems to be following them. They turn westward and notice the weird sky colors. They find a gnome.

quote:

"I don't think so," Bink replied, as he happened to be closest "I am Bink. Who are you?"

"Well."

"What?"

"No. Well. That's my name. Everyone knows me."

"Gnome Well," a nearby rock said helpfully.

Another gnome emerged from the house. "And this is my neighbor Metro," Well said. "Metro Gnome keeps track of ticks and tocks."

(Pun Count: 98)

quote:

"That seems useful," Bink agreed. He knew that ticks could be real mischief if not supervised. A friend had once eaten an emi tick by accident, and gotten really sick. Another had been bitten by a psycho-tic, and gone crazy. A third had run afoul of a spasmo tic, and convulsed. "What ticks are you watching now?"

(Pun Count: 102)

quote:

"A group of across ticks," Metro answered. "They are useful for word puzzles. Do you need any?"

(Pun Count: 103) They are warned of an old and rotten comic strip along their path. (Pun Count: 104)

quote:

When they stepped across, they found themselves on a path labeled PSYCHO. They followed the prints along it. It wound crazily around, seeming to go nowhere in particular. It passed a huge feline creature who seemed to have no eyes, so they thought it safe to tiptoe by. Then it yawned, and there were eyes in its mouth: eye teeth. They hurried on, before the eyes could focus on them.

(Pun Count: 105)

quote:

There was a sign saying BOWLING. That seemed safe. Then a bowl flew by Sink's head. Someone was throwing bowls at them!

(Pun count: 106)

quote:

They ran on, escaping the bowls. There was a cat staring at them.

It scanned Bink, then Dolph, then Dor, as if it could see their innards: the process was disquieting.

"It's a cat scan, dummy," a little figure with a big mouth said, and ran on.

(Pun Count: 107)

quote:

Next were several little dogs running in circles. "Lap dogs," the figure said. "Doing their laps."

(Pun Count: 108)

quote:

Beyond them were other dogs that just lay in the way. There were too many to step over, so Dolph bent down to lift one out of the way. "Ouch!" he exclaimed. "It's burning hot!"

"Hot dogs," the running figure explained.

(Pun Count: 109)

quote:

There was a cacophony of barking as mud puppies formed from nearby mud, and suds puppies formed from soap bubbles. Then it stopped as a hush puppy commanded silence.

(Pun Count: 112)

quote:

"It was just raining cats and dogs," the big mouth answered.

(Pun Count: 113)

quote:

They managed to get beyond the animals, but were not clear of the strip. Dolph saw a purse lying in the path, so he bent to pick it up� and it exploded, spattering him with dirt. "That's a disperse, dummy." the mouthy figure said, chucking. "So now are you going to try to play the lute?"

(Pun Count: 114)

quote:

Sure enough, there was a stringed musical instrument there. "Let me try it," Bink said, and picked it up.

The strings of the lute snapped free of their moorings and tried to wrap themselves around him. But he happened to be standing beside a wall of colored blocks, and the strings got tangled around the blocks instead. Suddenly the blocks The strings of the lute snapped free of their moorings and tried to wrap themselves around him. But he happened to be standing beside a wall of colored blocks, and the strings got tangled around the blocks instead. Suddenly the blocks

"Sidewinder captures disso-lute," the figure said gleefully.

(Pun Count: 116)

quote:

The prints led to the side, but that trail was blocked by a big picture of a collection of pins, labeled TING. "We'll have to move that out of the way," Dor said.

"Uh-uh-iih!" the running figure said. "This is a pain-ting."

(Pun Count: 117)

quote:

"Just what are you?" Bink demanded of the little creature.

"I thought you'd never ask! I'm a running commentary. If you think I'm bad, you should meet my cousin the running gag. You can get rid of him only by telling lame jokes, so his legs stop working."

(Pun Count: 119) They spot an open space.

quote:

They made for it. It turned out to be a square section paved with linoleum. It looked harmless.

Then a wild-eyed woman appeared with wild roses in her hair. Her body was luscious, but there was something dangerous about her. "Hi! I'm Meriel Maenad. Do any of you want to indulge in floor-play with me?"

"No!" Bink said quickly. He knew about the maenads; they were bloodthirsty wild women who loved to tear men apart, literally.

"Just as well," the running commentary remarked, reappearing. "Those who indulge on that floor get trampled by the families of their partners, who don't much like them."

(Pun Count: ...120?)

quote:

Then a large serpentine head loomed over them. "That looks like a hydra," Dor said nervously. Sure enough, in a moment several more heads appeared.

The first head's mouth opened. Fire shot out, just missing them. "That's a fire hydrant!" Bink cried. "Run!"

(Pun Count: 121)

quote:

They ran so fast their surroundings became a blur. Their feet stepped on egregious puns, getting all pungent. Bink was disgusted.

(Pun Count: 122) They get out and find the trail, and Dolph decides to fly them over other comic strips.

quote:

There was a bank of clouds sheltering a storm. They veered around it, and passed a rainbow. Dor pointed: "Look�rainbow trout!"

Sure enough, there were pretty fish swimming in the rainbow.

(Pun Count: 123) They reach Ptero's Roogna, where they find a man named Zafar the Zombie Lover, who watches over the zombies. He thinks Dor has got amnesia, since he has forgotten that Irene is King right now. They head inside, and run into Chameleon, who is shocked by a younger Bink. He was also not expected until the next day.

quote:

She drew back half a notch. "Oh, Bink, I've missed you so! I didn't expect you back until tomorrow. Let's go up to the bedroom right now."

And she was in her stupid phase, so didn't have the wit to be discreet. How could he explain, if he figured it out himself?

He glanced at Dor, desperate for guidance. Dor was their son. He should know. But he looked blank.

Meanwhile, Chameleon was tugging him toward a stairway. He tried to hang back, but couldn't. "Oh, go on up," a stair told him. "You're only young twice."

"We'll meet you�after," Dolph called helpfully.

After a few confused moments, Bink found himself in their chamber. Chameleon closed the door, pushed him onto the bed, so that he had to sit, then sat on his lap. Her bottom was marvelously soft. She wrapped her arms around his head and pulled him in for a welcoming hug. Her divinely firm bosom pressed against his face. She smelled of heaven. His senses melted into one great blissful mass of joy.

But she couldn't be his wife! The real Chameleon was back in Xanth, in Castle Roogna, maybe in this very chamber. But it wasn't the same castle; it couldn't be.

She got up and began removing her clothing. "I can't get over how young you look," she breathed. "Almost the way you were when we were first youthened. You look wonderful." Her dress came off. She was one of those women who looked better with every glance.

If he didn't do something soon, he would lose all control. His twenty one-year-old body was eager to summon a battalion of storks in a quarter of an instant. He loved Chameleon, and desired her, especially when she was like this. But how could it be?

She stood before him in bra and panties, not only unbearably lovely, but excruciatingly sexy. He was in danger of freaking out. Only his real mental age of eighty one enabled him to tide through the sight.

Bit by bit, he worked it out. All the people and creatures who ever existed or might exist were here on Ptero. That included all of the Xanth folk. So Chameleon was here too. She really was his wife.

She took off the underwear. His eyeballs were heating; he had to blink repeatedly to prevent them from frying.

But she was older. No less desirable, but older. Time was supposed to be geography here, or vice versa; people could be any age. So she was twenty seven, here in Castle Roogna.

And this wasn't even the real Ptero, but a dream image of it. So this was a dream Chameleon, not the real one of either Ptero or Xanth.

She started to undress him. Her touch was wonderfully gentle yet compelling.

It still felt like adultery.

Bink tries to explain what's going on to Chameleon, who of course doesn't understand.

quote:

How could he explain? The smart Chameleon would have understood the moment she saw their age differences, but this was the stupid one. Alternate worlds within worlds were beyond her limited comprehension.

He tried another tack. "Chameleon, suppose I was someone else who just looked like Bink but wasn't him. Would you still want to do this?"

She struggled with the concept, but it was too much. So she kissed him instead.

Bink gave himself up for lost. He still felt it was wrong, but he loved and desired her so much that he couldn't fight it any longer. He knew she was completely innocent of bad intent; she loved him and wanted him, and that was the whole of her present understanding. Would her opposite phase be angry, when she came into play? Or intrigued?

This is when Ptero's Bink shows up.

quote:

Now Bink-21 could explain again, knowing that there was someone present who would understand. "I am the Bink from Xanth. I am visiting Ptero in a dream. I'm not really here. Except in spirit. So I think I should turn the bed over to the real Bink at this point."

But now Bink-32 protested. "I'm the dream?"

"I'm sure you're real," Bink-21 said. "But my image of you is in a dream. Just as I'm real, but not really here. Since Chameleon is a dream too. she's yours."

"She is a dream," Bink-32 agreed.

"A perfect dream. And I love her. But I have my real Chameleon back on Xanth."

"There's another woman?" Chameleon asked plaintively.

The two Binks exchanged a glance. "No." Bink-32 said. "There is only you, Chameleon. And two of me. So one of us will go, and the other will be with you."

So Bink leaves.

quote:

As Bink-21 went out the door Chameleon was resuming where she had left off. Her confusion had been abated. That would not have been the case with a smarter woman. Both Binks understood that. Neither could stand to cause her the slightest pain. He closed the door behind him and headed for the stairs.

He had done the right thing. Yet there was that in him that almost wished that his other self had been too late.

They meet with the natives of the castle now, and Dawn and Eve hit on Bink until he realizes who they are.

quote:

They laughed together. "Aw, he caught on." Dawn said "Now we can�t show him this." She leaned forward just enough to provide a glimpse of her fine cleavage inside a bright halter. She had evidently inherited an aspect of Chameleon.

"Or this," Eve agreed lifting her short skirt just enough to show the edge of a dark panty on a firm bottom. There was another aspect.

Bink explains their mission, and they tell him that the Zombie Master headed to Pyramid. We get a brief recap of the last book, and how Pyramid and Torus work. Also, it seems Irene isn't King, Ivy is, since they didn't feel like changing it after the marginalization ended. The party promises to visit again when not on urgent business, to talk to the Ptero people. Then, they head to Pyramid.

Pun Count: 123 by the end of Chapter 4.

# ? Jan 22, 2014 19:26

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

And now he's flirting with his great grandchildren.

Fantastic.

# ? Jan 22, 2014 19:42

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

Of course they're flirting, there's no other possible interaction between men and women. I mean, unless the woman's ugly or old (i.e. over forty) in which case she's automatically worthless.

# ? Jan 22, 2014 20:48

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 5. Breanna has finally reached the Good Magician's Castle.

quote:

At dawn Breanna reached the vicinity of the Good Magician's Castle. She could tell, because there was a sign saying VICINITY OF GOOD MAGICIAN'S CASTLE. But then the path petered out, leaving only interspersed forest and field.

Of course. However, the castle is nowhere to be seen. She realizes this must be a challenge.

quote:

"Very well, Good Magician," she muttered. "You want to play Hide & Seek. I'll play your stupid game. But I'll bleeping well expect value for my effort." She had learned not to try to swear; she could do it, being originally Mundane, but nasty effects tended to occur as the surrounding atmosphere of the Adult Conspiracy tried to suppress it. The De Censor Ship couldn't be everywhere at once, unfortunately, so until someone�maybe Breanna herself, in due course�mounted a successful campaign to suppress the Adult Conspiracy, it remained in force. Native Xanthians were inducted into the Conspiracy as they came of age, and thereafter made 180-degree turns and supported what they had opposed as children. It was ludicrous hypocrisy. But Breanna wasn't native, and there was nothing for her to learn that was going to blow her mind. It had been blown before she was six years old, when she got into her cousin's porno collection. So she would not change sides when she passed eighteen. Then, armed with the awful power of adult initiative, she would see what she wanted to do.

So yeah the Adult Conspiracy is now horrible and evil. Breanna realizes the castle must be hidden by illusion. She gets a stick to trace out the path ahead of her, since she can't see it. Eventually, though, this stops helping. She leans against a tree in frustration, falling through it since it's illusory. Imbri chats with her as she tries to ponder a way through. Imbri thought it was possibly her challenge, or Justin Tree's. We get a recap of Justin's life.

quote:

"Justin didn't want it. He was satisfied as a tree. For one thing. he would be pretty old now, as a man, but remains in his prime as a tree. But still, he misses the adventure of being a man, of traveling fighting, loving, and so on. So he would like to have that. But he wants to remain a tree."

Breanna shook her head. "How can a tree have an adventure?"

"That's what he wants to ask the Good Magician. So I agreed to carry his dream to Humfrey. But I can't find the castle."

They decide to cooperate. Imbri explains Breanna's situation to Justin, then inserts Justin's voice into Breanna's head.

quote:

"So you want to tackle this challenge together? I'm stumped. Uh, excuse the expression."

(Pun Count: 124) Breanna allows Justin to see through her eyes.

quote:

"Oh. Okay. As long as it doesn't hurt."

"It would be a shame to hurt such a pretty young woman."

There was something about this tree she liked. He seemed not to be aware of her color or her age, and he didn't mind associating with her gender. "So where do you want me to look?"

Justin suggests using parallax to find the limits of illusion, since illusions are usually 2D, not 3D. Breanna walks back and forth, and Justin spots the lack of parallax. They eventually narrow down the area of the castle and get past the low wall guarding it, into the illusion. The illusion vanishes once they're past it. Breanna heads in...and ends up stuck in sticky goo.

quote:

"So what now? Do I take off my shoes and jump?"

"And get your pretty feet dirty? No, there must be a better way, if this is a challenge. Let me ponder."

Meanwhile, something happened beside the drawbridge. The lid of a large container slowly lifted. There was a picture of a skull and crossbones on the box. "This is not a good sign," Breanna muttered, feeling a chill. Was a monster going to come from that crate to gobble her. since she couldn't get away?

A skull appeared, followed by a skeleton. It looked around with its eye sockets, spied her, and rattled forward. It stopped just beyond the sticky section. "Apop Tosis at your service," it said.

(Pun Count: 125) The skeleton offers to help.

quote:

"Let me make myself more comfortable," Apop said. He brought out a bottle labeled Boot Rear and lifted it to his jawbone. There didn't seem to be any fluid in it, but suddenly he sailed into the air flying apart. The bones fell to the ground in a pattern, forming a rocking chair with the skull on the seat. "I always carry some boot rear with me," he explained. "So I don't have to depend on someone else to boot me in the rear so that I can change configuration."

(Pun Count: 126)

quote:

"Good policy," Breanna agreed guardedly. "I'm not exactly in a position to boot anybody's rear right now." Skeletons were not her favorite companions, though they weren't as bad as zombies. At least they weren't rotting.

"Now I will ask you three questions." Apop said. "If you answer them well, you will get out of your sticky situation. But if you don't, you will find it embarrassing."

"Yeah, sure," she muttered.

"First question: Are you a bigot?"

"What the bleep kind of a question is that?" she demanded, outraged. "Of course I'm not! How could you even suggest it?" But as she spoke, something awkward happened. Her clothing was shrinking. Her blouse felt tight, and her skirt was riding up on her hips.

"What is happening?" Justin inquired.

"Can I talk to you silently?" she subvocalized.

"Yes, we are dream connected, so I can hear whatever you direct to me, as well as what you hear from outside I heard the skeleton's question But then you started wriggling, and I don't know why. I am unable to fathom your actual thoughts, so that you retain your natural modesty."

He couldn't read her mind. That was a relief. She also liked the way he phrased her desire for mental privacy. She had never been to a court, but suspected Justin was courtly. "Because my clothing suddenly shrank," she said silently. "Maybe it got wet."

"Maybe," he agreed. "Meanwhile, I'm not sure you gave a satisfactory answer to the question."

"It was a lousy question!"

"Perhaps it is intended to make you react negatively."

"Well, it succeeded! It's outrageous to suggest that I could be a bigot. I'm black!"

"I hadn't realized. But does your color relate?"

"Sure it does. I'm a victim, not an oppressor."

"I fear I am being slow in comprehension. What is the definition of bigot?"

"It's a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing belief or opinion. We were up against it in Mundania. That's one huge reason we left."

Then your answer must be no. The penalty must be because you objected to the question rather than answering it."

He had to be right. She had let the question blow her equilibrium, like an idiot. "For sure." She faced the skeleton. "No, I can't be a bigot."

Apop didn't answer. But her clothing shrank another notch. Her blouse was constricting her breathing, and in danger of tearing, and her skirt was becoming a mini.

"My clothing's still shrinking," she told Justin, alarmed.

"There must be a connection to your answer to the question," the tree concluded. "Perhaps it is a penalty for what is considered an unsatisfactory answer."

"I don't give half a bleep what a stupid skeleton thinks is unsatisfactory," she retorted. "He has no business asking such a question."

"Now I don't wish to be offensive," Justin said carefully. "But it strikes me that if the skeleton desires a certain answer, and can make you uncomfortable when you don't give it, some consideration may be required."

"Meaning I'm stuck here, literally, and getting my undies in a knot, so I'd better watch my mouth."

"I'm sure they are very nice undies."

"You didn't tell me anything useful."

"Perhaps some finesse is in order. More than one answer may be acceptable, or perhaps more than one phrasing."

"Okay, I'll try." She took a breath and spoke aloud again. "Maybe it depends on your definition of bigotry." Her clothing didn't tighten, but neither did it loosen. "Maybe every person is a bit bigoted in some respects, and not in others. Maybe I am too. But I don't want to be."

Now her clothing loosened. "By bleep, Justin, you were right again! I gave a more reasoned answer, and my clothing relaxed. This is weird, but who's to argue with what works?"

"Most situations merely respond to the proper key, if it can be found," the tree said.

The skeleton spoke again. "Second question: What is your fondest wish?"

"That's easy: to be a queen, with all the privileges thereof."

Her clothing writhed warningly.

"Isn't that zombie you encountered a king?" Justin asked. "So that if you married him, you would be a queen?"

Breanna felt an awful sinking sensation. She hadn't thought things through. "Yes. Scratch that answer. I don't want to be a zombie queen." She addressed the skeleton. "I want to get away from that zombie who's chasing me. That's why I'm here." But her clothing tightened again.

"Hey, wait a minute!" she cried. "Who the bleep would want to marry a zombie? I've got a right to get away." But her clothing tightened worse than before.

"Perhaps a zombie might see that as bigotry," Justin said.

"Well, who cares what a bleeping bag of rot cares! It isn't as if he's a person."

Then she paused. "Hoo, boy, I just heard myself talking. That's the way the bad whites talked about us, in Mundania. The bigots."

"But you aren't a bigot."

"I'm not quite so sure, anymore. I mean, how do I know that zombie king isn't a decent person, apart from his physical condition? All I could see was his rot, and I freaked out."

"Well, zombies are not fun to be around."

"Nevertheless, in retrospect I'm not exactly proud of my reaction. I still don't want to marry Xeth, but I think I could have been more polite about it."

"Fortunately you are already past the first question. There should be a better answer for the second one, though."

"There sure should be." She faced the skeleton again. "I think that wasn't my fondest wish. I think I need more tolerance. To maybe grow a bit in attitude. So maybe at some point I'll talk with the zombie, and explain myself better. I guess what my fondest wish really is, is to be all that I can be, in every way I can be, including understanding and open-mindedness."

Her clothing loosened entirely.

"You sure put me on the right track," she told Justin. "The funny thing is, I believe it. I wasn't reacting well before."

"Third question," Apop said. "Is the Adult Conspiracy worthwhile?"

"Brother," she muttered. "Am I ever going to flunk this one!" Then she faced the skeleton. "No. it's worthless. It's stupid, pointless, inconsistent nonsense. It exists only to browbeat children."

Her clothing tightened so much that her blouse pulled out of her waistband and threatened to uncover her bra, and her skirt was trying to expose her panties. It was really trying to embarrass her.

She laughed, almost hysterically. "I just caught on! These are embarrassing questions. Em-bare-rear end-ing. I should have known there'd be a dirty pun in this."

(Pun Count: 127)

quote:

"You may have to stop opposing the Adult Conspiracy,." Justin said. "It can be vicious."

"drat it!" she cried aloud. "This is too much! I'm not going to lie and say the Adult Conspiracy is good. It's a cheat and a shame. and it should be abolished. And that's the way I truly feel. And I don't care if my knickers twist right off my little black mule. I mean rear end. So there!"

Now her blouse shrank to the size of a handkerchief, and her skirt almost disappeared. The magic was calling her bluff. She stood there in awful squeezed exposure.

"I don't care! I don't care! What you want me to say is wrong, and I am not going to say it. And now that I think of it, why the hell should I even be embarrassed by a bare rear end? What is wrong with the human body the way God made it? Only a bigot would think it's obscene." She ripped off the rest of her clothing, which was painfully tight, and stood naked. "I have been catering to that stupid Conspiracy, and it's time to stop. I renounce it. If that means I flunk this stupid test, well that's tough, because I think I'm on the side of the angels. So there."

"Well spoken!" Justin said. "I never had the courage to say that."

"Well, someone had to. Even if � " She stopped. "My feet! They're unstuck!"

"And the skeleton is departing. You did not fail the test, you passed it. By asserting your true belief, instead of allowing the bigotry of others to govern you."

"Gee, I guess I did," she agreed, bemused. "So I guess we got through the second challenge. Just when I thought it was lost."

Don't you leave when events happen outside narration and must be told to you by viewers in the story? They cross the moat.

quote:

There was a space between the moat and the castle wall, and in this space were several large hoops with what looked liked two puffs of cotton tied to them on either side near the top, and three strings with three colored beads and three brightly colored feathers on each. Nine beaded straps reached inward to support a leather disk that filled most of the interior. The whole was hung by another beaded strap.

They have no idea what these are, but think them some kind of trap, and head on.

quote:

"You're right," she agreed, surprised. "Why am I going to all this effort to see the Good Magician anyway? It isn't as if I have anything to make of my life."

"Oh, I thought you wanted to be all that you could be, and abolish the Adult Conspiracy."

"Why?"

"Because it's stupid, pointless, inconsistent nonsense?"

"Well, sure, but someone else can tackle it. I have no ambition."

"I don't care much about having an adventure, either. Maybe we should just leave off and forget about foolish dreams."

"Yeah." She walked back to the drawbridge and started to cross.

"Wait," Justin said. "Not that I care, but I wonder if there isn't something wrong here. How is it that we both had such high ambitions a moment ago, and now don't?"

"We just came to our senses, is all."

"Maybe, but I'm not satisfied with that I distrust sudden changes, maybe because they can be bad for foliage. We ought at least to understand the change. What led us to our sudden revelations of pointlessness?"

"Dreams are foolish," she said. "They just lead to mischief. So sensible folk ignore them and get on with life. Not that there's much point to that, either."

"I agree. Still, I notice a change in you. You were full of fire and verve, and now you seem, if you will pardon the expression, mundane."

Imbri, likewise, has vanished for no clear reason. Breanna realizes what they passed: Dreamcatchers. (Pun Count: 128) The find Imbri caught in one. The dreamcatchers are illusory...to Breanna, but not to Imbri. Justin thinks solving this one is his job, since it's an immaterial challenge.

quote:

"I think I need to know more about dream catchers," Justin said. "You say they are made by mundane natives?"

"Native Americans; that's not quite the same. I don't think they're really mundane."

Motherfuckin' noble savage time!

quote:

"This is a type of magic I haven't seen before. Could one of those folk have come from Mundania?"

"Sure, why not? I did."

"And if he found himself in a strange land he might seek the advice of the Good Magician, and be required to undertake a year's service. Which could take the form of making big dream catchers to protect the castle from night mares?"

"It works for me."

"Do those things need any kind of maintenance?"

Breanna pondered. "I don't know, but I don't think so. I think they are made once, then hung up and they just keep on working. But I really don't know much about them. I always thought they were superstition."

"Could it be that they didn't work well in Mundania, because they grew old and were not restored to optimum power?"

They decide they need to make a dream to trick the dreamcatchers.

quote:

"If we can dream that a day or more has passed, the one who services the dream catchers may think that it is time to go over them already. When he works on this one, we can rescue Imbri You must hide, of course, so he doesn't see you and realize what we are doing."

Breanna was doubtful, but had no better idea herself, so went along with it. They found a nook or a cranny in the wall, and she scrunched down pretty much out of sight. She concentrated, and with Justin's help imagined that the day was passing, and night falling, and day coming again. She got into it, and soon it seemed that time really was passing swiftly. She tried to imagine that it was happening to the whole castle.

"He's coming," Justin said.

Sure enough, there was a man with reddish skin, wearing a feather tucked in a band around his head. He approached the dream catcher.

"What have we were?" he asked rhetorically. "A night mare? Well, just let me you lead you to a safe stall." He reached out and touched the dream catcher, and Imbri suddenly dropped to the ground.

He was going to take her away, captive! "No you don't!" Breanna cried, jumping from her hiding place. "That's my mare!"

The man looked at her. His mouth dropped open. Then she remembered that she had lost her clothing. No wonder he was staring. But it was too late to do anything about that. "Come, Imbri," she said, and led the mare to the castle wall. Her hand passed right through the horse, but Imbri came along with her.

Suddenly Breanna's dreams were back. She wanted to destroy the Adult Conspiracy. She wanted to be free and successful and beautiful and all the rest. She had ambitions. She had dreams.

[...]

"So had I," she confessed, trying to force a blush by her dark complexion. "You know, I do object to the Adult Conspiracy, but I still am not comfortable going around naked. People might stare, as the red man did. Would it be hypocritical for me to put something on, now that we're through the challenges?"

"By no means. The full name is 'The Adult Conspiracy to Keep Interesting Things from Children.' By asserting your freedom from it, you merely establish your right to say or do what you wish. You may go clothed or unclothed as you choose. Considering the weather, which I think is a trifle cool it makes sense for you to wear something for the time being." Once again, she found she liked his attitude. The region wasn't cold, but it remained a dandy pretext.

As it happened, there was a small lady slipper plant growing by the castle wall, with a pair of delicate slippers that just fit her. Near it was a cowslip plant with a ripe slip, so she harvested that and donned it. It fit a bit snugly, but covered the essentials.

(Pun Count: 129)

quote:

She found a shiny facet of the wall and peered at her refection. It showed her that the fit was more than snug; the slip clung to her upper and nether sections in a way that made them bulge and seem twice as prominent as they really were. "I look like a cow!" she exclaimed.

"That does seem to be the penalty for wearing a cowslip," Justin said. "But if you will accept the view of one whose days of being a human man are rather long gone, the reflected view is not an unattractive aspect."

(Pun Count: 130) Wira meets them inside and shows them to Humfrey.

quote:

"Justin Tree wishes to have a nice adventure, without changing from being a tree," Breanna said. She paused, in case Justin had a correction to make. He didn't. "I want to find out how to escape the zombies."

The Good Magician's gaze was disconcertingly like Wira's, and Breanna realized that he was looking through her to Justin. "You could have an adventure as a tree if a dragon were to toast your foliage."

"Not that kind!" Justin protested. "A human type adventure." Breanna started to translate, but the Good Magician raised his hand. "Rhetorical. I know the kind he wants. His best Answer requires the service of another person." Now his old eyes focused on Breanna. "That person is you."

"Me!"

"He must vicariously share the adventure of a person in human form, with that person's consent. The best person, considering availability, compatibility, and interest of adventure, is you. But there are two constraints. You are beneath the age of consent, which means indoctrination into the Adult Con�"

"No I'm not!" she protested. "I reject the Adult Conspiracy."

"Therefore that is not an issue," he continued, unsurprised. "The other is that you are female, and may not wish to share your feelings with a male mind. It is my policy not to require unkind service for an Answer. Therefore if you wish to decline, and to perform some other service for your Answer�"

"No, that's okay," Breanna said. "I was just caught off guard. Justin's okay; I like him. He can share my adventure if he wants to." She found the decision surprisingly easy to make. It was almost as if she had thought something like this out before, and agreed. It wasn't as if she planned to do anything she might be ashamed of. She realized that Justin had been not only helpful on the challenges, but nice company. He didn't act superior, the way too many older folk were too likely to do, and he didn't come across as prejudiced against the Black Wave. She liked him. It was weird, because she hadn't been looking for any friends among whites, males, or trees, but there it was. There was just something about him. Maybe it was his archaic courtesy.

"Then that will be your service, which will terminate in a year or by mutual agreement." His eyes refocused on Justin. "Your service will be to be on call indefinitely as a consultant for selections, challenges, and solutions."

"You need help on such things?" Justin asked, surprised. Breanna repeated it aloud.

"It takes time to research and decide which querents are worthy, and to devise and institute challenges that will discourage those who are not serious without eliminating the worthy," Humfrey said. "The services of those who assisted before are concluding. Things have become awkward, and we stand in need of intellectual assistance. It will not be necessary for you to leave your tree site or to interrupt your personal adventure; the work is intellectual."

[...]

Humfrey focused again on Breanna. "You can escape the pursuit of the zombies by going to the Isle of Women. This isle is not easy to locate, so you will be guided by one who knows the way. Wira will introduce you, and give you what you need."

I'll count Isle of Women as a pun. (Pun Count: 131) Wira leads them out.

Pun Count: 131 by the end of Chapter 5.

# ? Jan 22, 2014 21:11

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Tezzor posted:

very first sentence describing a new character is saying how beguilingly hot this 15 year old girl is becoming

Plus, of course, our black protagonist happens to have long, and presumably straight, hair (since it "hangs to her waist") and green eyes.

I could say more about that interrogation/stripping scene at the Good Magician's, but putting my fist through my monitor would probably hurt.

# ? Jan 22, 2014 21:43

BrianWilly: Apr 24, 2007; There is no homosexual terrorist Johnny Silverhand

Oh, so much to say about these chapters, but maybe I should just keep it simple and stick with something like "Why should an underage girl even have to go as far as to seek help from a Magician to keep from being assaulted if the Adult Conspiracy is supposed to be so ironclad and powerful in the first place?"

# ? Jan 23, 2014 08:02

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

I likewise have roughly infinity complaints, but I'll stick with incredulity that she can't ditch her shoes because Justin doesn't want her feet to get dirty and that would obviously be worse than losing the rest of her clothes.

And then she loses her shoes anyway somehow because god forbid Anthony not make that lady slipper pun for the tenth loving time.

# ? Jan 23, 2014 09:09

JackMann: Aug 11, 2010; Secure. Contain. Protect.; Fallen Rib

BrianWilly posted:

Oh, so much to say about these chapters, but maybe I should just keep it simple and stick with something like "Why should an underage girl even have to go as far as to seek help from a Magician to keep from being assaulted if the Adult Conspiracy is supposed to be so ironclad and powerful in the first place?"

The implication seems to be that the Adult Conspiracy only protects them from consensual sex.

There are more layers of wrong than a rotten hen battery.

# ? Jan 23, 2014 13:20

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

...Wait a minute how come Breanna's a modern teenager? Isn't the Black Wave from slightly after the Civil War? Freed slaves looking for land to settle on? She really shouldn't know about computers or mass-produced pornography.

# ? Jan 23, 2014 21:24

Tezzor: Jul 29, 2013; Can't post for 3 years!

Alopex posted:

...Wait a minute how come Breanna's a modern teenager? Isn't the Black Wave from slightly after the Civil War? Freed slaves looking for land to settle on? She really shouldn't know about computers or mass-produced pornography.

I don't recall it ever being stated that they were from the civil war era.

# ? Jan 23, 2014 23:27

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Someone please reassure me that Anthony didn't decide to also include a Brown Wave or Yellow Wave in one of the later novels. Also that Bink, Dor, and everyone else from the first few novels finally die. Preferably in a painful and humiliating fashion.

# ? Jan 24, 2014 01:06

Tezzor: Jul 29, 2013; Can't post for 3 years!

I'm still laughing at "Dor remembered. Chameleon's appearance and intellect changed on a monthly cycle,". I know this is a bold claim and it seems like a minor thing but I seriously think that that is in the running for the hackiest writing Anthony has ever done. ""The jazz club didn't allow in white people." "John remembered. His mother was white,"

# ? Jan 24, 2014 01:19

neonchameleon: Nov 14, 2012

... I feel like a worse person just for having read this thread. How do you cope, Mors? (And how many books are you in now?)

# ? Jan 24, 2014 02:44

RaspberrySea: Nov 29, 2004

ibntumart posted:

Someone please reassure me that Anthony didn't decide to also include a Brown Wave or Yellow Wave in one of the later novels. Also that Bink, Dor, and everyone else from the first few novels finally die. Preferably in a painful and humiliating fashion.

Does anyone in this stupid series actually die? Even the bad guys usually just hang out in the Brain Coral pool instead of getting offed.

I think Jumper is the only dead character, and he was a spider that lived for a month.

# ? Jan 24, 2014 03:06

Red Metal: Oct 23, 2012; Let me tell you about Homestuck; Fun Shoe

neonchameleon posted:

... I feel like a worse person just for having read this thread. How do you cope, Mors? (And how many books are you in now?)

He's 22 books in, with another 16 left, though I'm not sure if he's willing (or capable) to read that much more Xanth.

Also, keep in mind that Piers Anthony is still writing these, and the most recent one came out just over a month ago.

# ? Jan 24, 2014 03:12

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

neonchameleon posted:

... I feel like a worse person just for having read this thread. How do you cope, Mors? (And how many books are you in now?)

I cope by inflicting my suffering on you lot.

Also, by reading comics about adorable things.

# ? Jan 24, 2014 03:17

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

MorgaineDax posted:

Does anyone in this stupid series actually die? Even the bad guys usually just hang out in the Brain Coral pool instead of getting offed.

I think Jumper is the only dead character, and he was a spider that lived for a month.

I could have sworn that somewhere in the first dozen or so novels, Anthony claimed in an Author's Note he was gradually writing out older characters and that their eventual death to old age was implied, not something he explicitly put in. You know, because Anthony's watchwords are subtlety and dignity.

Red Metal posted:

He's 22 books in, with another 16 left, though I'm not sure if he's willing (or capable) to read that much more Xanth.

Also, keep in mind that Piers Anthony is still writing these, and the most recent one came out just over a month ago.

I thought for sure Mors Rattus was winding down, not barely halfway through. Clearly I had no idea how little MR valued his sanity!

edit:

Mors Rattus posted:

I cope by inflicting my suffering on you lot.

Also, by reading comics about adorable things.

I'm just hoping you didn't pick up We3 by accident now.

ibntumart fucked around with this message at 03:22 on Jan 24, 2014

# ? Jan 24, 2014 03:20

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

Tezzor posted:

I don't recall it ever being stated that they were from the civil war era.

I could have sworn it came up in their introduction but checking that would require paging back through the thread and I would not wish a reread upon my worst enemy.

Stay strong, MR.

# ? Jan 24, 2014 03:50

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

ibntumart posted:

I'm just hoping you didn't pick up We3 by accident now.

Mors is gud man.

# ? Jan 24, 2014 04:17

BrianWilly: Apr 24, 2007; There is no homosexual terrorist Johnny Silverhand

JackMann posted:

The implication seems to be that the Adult Conspiracy only protects them from consensual sex.

There are more layers of wrong than a rotten hen battery.

At the risk of, y'know, actually analyzing this worthless drivel in any way, I've always gotten the impression that Anthony intended the Adult Conspiracy to be a sort of farcical send-up of how unhelpfully uptight and prudish adults are about child sexuality. So in a sense it's ultimately unsurprising that this system doesn't truly protect children, and that mouthpiece-Breanna would be lambasting it here.

Which would be kind of a fascinating issue to explore in a series of any competency. But Anthony just seems to be more interested in describing child sexuality in loving detail than he is in seriously examining his so-called idyllic world for the flagrant rape culture that it is. A Phillip Pullman, he ain't.

And that's not even considering how this specific book ends because, oh boy.

# ? Jan 24, 2014 06:15

JackMann: Aug 11, 2010; Secure. Contain. Protect.; Fallen Rib

Lemme guess. She ends up marrying the adult who lusts after her (it's not his fault, officer, he can't help feeling that way about an underage girl) and they live happily ever after?

# ? Jan 24, 2014 06:59

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# ? Jun 7, 2024 22:15

Runcible Cat: May 28, 2007; Ignoring this post

JackMann posted:

Lemme guess. She ends up marrying the adult who lusts after her (it's not his fault, officer, he can't help feeling that way about an underage girl) and they live happily ever after?

Hey, she's the one who went to sleep in the Magic Pavilion of Asking For It! It's not like he has any options!

# ? Jan 24, 2014 10:23

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

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