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4th Asclepiadean posted:I have no idea where you got that from. The joke was that he's none of those things and has no loving excuse.
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Jan 31, 2014 15:17
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kizudarake posted:The joke was that he's none of those things and has no loving excuse. ah...right.  Happy birthday, thread.
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Jan 31, 2014 21:30
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So Benny, has your relationship with your family members improved over the past year?
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Feb 1, 2014 01:43
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CellarDweller posted:So Benny, has your relationship with your family members improved over the past year? Benny the Snake fucked around with this message at 02:19 on Feb 1, 2014 |
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Feb 1, 2014 02:17
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If your mom is letting you keep all of your stuff then I guess you don't have to move out. You don't need a job if you want to live at home, so everything has worked out. That's cool. You even got the brain problems checked out and that's super. I don't know what else we can really expect from you at this point. You seem pretty likeable in a bumbling idiot sort of way and I was really rooting for you. I'm happy to hear that things are better at home. It's also great that you put in twenty applications and are following up with it, but it took you a REALLY long time to get around to it. You have an incredibly difficult time doing the most basic of tasks that I can't imagine a different outcome for you beyond "guy who stays at home on the internet all day." Any advice, criticism, or insult just goes flying over your head with you seemingly not noticing. It's hysterical. Granted, I don't know you in person so I've just got this thread to go by. What the hell do you do all day?
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Feb 1, 2014 03:48
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Aqua Bear posted:What the hell do you do all day? I'm curious about this, too!
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Feb 1, 2014 04:03
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I suggested many pages ago that only doing the bare minimum as far as applications wasn't going to cut it, and immediately got people arguing. I've always felt if you weren't working, finding a job needs to be your job, full time. Especially when you have no skills so every retail/fast food/MLM scam will work. 20 applications in two weeks is 2 applications a day on average, which means Benny here is spending 5-10 minutes (at best) looking for work and then who knows what else for the remaining 16 hours he's awake. People take longer breaks at work than Benny spends looking for work each day. Amazing.
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Feb 1, 2014 04:54
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MBPearls posted:I suggested many pages ago that only doing the bare minimum as far as applications wasn't going to cut it, and immediately got people arguing. This is true. Don't get me wrong, I agree with you that he's not done enough to improve his situation. In a year he's done hardly anything. But the one thing Benny has shown us time and again is that he really, well, kind of sucks in that regard. You're absolutely right, if you don't have a job, you need to be looking for work full time. But this is Benny! He wrote up nuclear options to use against his mother and primary care giver because he didn't want her to take his comics away. He did this while he was in his mid 20's! He's not capable of functioning like an adult. Maybe he's got brain problems? Maybe he's happy at home and doesn't want it to change? Both? At the very least, for all of his flaws (like being lazy, ignorant, entitled, dense, incompetent, a weirdo, and having crappy grammar) he's only hurting himself. For now. vvvvv ahahahhahahahah Greg Legg fucked around with this message at 05:58 on Feb 1, 2014 |
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Feb 1, 2014 05:36
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President Obama sat in the Situation Room with his closest confidants. John Kerry had misgivings about this mission. One gently caress-up, and they would have one hell of a mess on their hands. And this Benny guy, his resume’ was far from spotless. “I’m telling you, John, this guy is the best of the best,” Obama had assured him. “I’ve never seen anyone with this specific skill set before.” We’ll see, Kerry thought. And if you’re wrong, the whole world will see. The president glared at the digital display, synched with the atomic clock, until the moment the operation was set to begin. Obama keyed the transmission button on his headset. “Benny, are you in position?” Benny the Snake knelt by a wall outside of the heavily fortified Damascus compound of President Bashar al-Assad. His pudgy fingers were gently massaging space-age lubricant into the wheel bearings of his weapon. “I got lost two or three times, but I’m here,” Benny growled. “And I thought I told you to call me ‘The Snake.’” Obama sighed. “Fine, The Snake. Are you ready to execute the operation as we discussed?” “I’ve got no experience in high-risk assassinations, but I assure you that I’ll carry out the operation perfectly the first time.” In the Situation Room, Kerry shot Obama a skeptical glance. The president looked as resolute and stern as ever, but he had his doubts as well. Still, if there was one thing the Obama Administration could do, it was pull victory from the jaws of defeat. Barely, in most cases. “You have the green light from your Commander in Chief,” Obama said. He buried his chin in his tented fingers. All that was left was to watch. Benny the Snake stood with a thunderous popping in his knees and grasped the handle of his shopping cart. Cherry red plastic. Target, 2011 model. A good year. The bullseye logo felt good beneath his sweaty palm. It was time to go. His thighs tensed until the hem of his jean-shorts cut red gouges into his skin. Like a pouncing cheetah, Benny released the uncanny power that had been a blessing and a curse all of his life. The shopping cart blasted through the wall in a flurry of concrete chunks and twisted rebar. The surveillance drone caught it all. “Holy poo poo, you weren’t kidding!” Kerry marveled. “But what about the guard towers?” Benny the Snake stood panting in the courtyard as the stunned palace guards shouldered their rifles. The poor fools didn’t know that they were already dead. When Benny’s got a shopping cart, poo poo’s going to get broken. poo poo gets broken real bad. The hole left in Benny’s wake spread with explosive force and bounced off of the two corner guard towers, sending them crashing into the courtyard. Both sharpshooters were shredded by the debris. Closed-casket-cases. As the wave of destruction made a 90-degree turn and started in on the remaining perimeter defenses, the guards attempted to flee their towers. Fear consumed all of their bravado. Their position of honor as the palace guard had doomed them. Each of the poor fools barely had time to scream. “Time for Level 2. And I’ve still got all my hearts,” Benny chuckled. The heavy doors of the palace parted like the Red Sea before Benny’s shopping cart. Standing between Benny and the extravagant staircase leading to the presidential quarters were dozens of guards, all of them convinced that this was the end of America’s foolhardy intervention. Some of them were even grinning as they squeezed their triggers. Ignorance is bliss. Benny darted towards the nearest guard, the shopping cart lifting from the ground with incredible precision. The left front wheel struck the guard’s nose, driving bone shards into his brain. There’s something you have to understand about Benny and shopping carts. When he’s got his hands on one, every law of physics gets broken. All expectations are shattered. Reason and logic are not welcome in this blood-soaked dance of stainless steel and sturdy plastic. Benny the Snake knew how to do one thing and one thing only. Benny the Snake could destroy poo poo with shopping carts. The child-seat crashed like a cymbal as Benny dragged his weapon up the stairs. Two trails of blood marked the path of his wheels. President Assad burst out of his quarters, his hands clasped before his anemic mustache. “Please, exalted slayer of men! Spare me! I will give you riches! I will make you a great general! We can rule the world!” “Rule the world?” Benny sneered. “No time. I’ve got an interview at Chipotle tomorrow.” Benny shoved his cart against a load-bearing column. Everyone in the Situation Room leapt out of their seats. The palace imploded like a house of cards in a hurricane. Chunks of decorative tiles and murals sailed hundreds of yards in every direction. “Jesus Christ, nobody could have survived that!” Kerry shouted. “Benny, he’s dead!” “Yes,” muttered Obama, placing a hand over his heart. “He was a true American hero. I’ll never forget that brave son of a bitch.” “Wait, Barry! I think I see something!” Kerry gasped. Through the green glow of the drone’s infrared eye, Benny the Snake emerged from the dust. His orange reflective vest was caked in blood. None of it was his. Benny keyed the mic. “Mr. President, I’ll take that evac chopper now. I trust my comics are in the mail.” “Of course, sir!” Obama replied. “Mint condition! Just like we agreed.” “You’re goddamn right,” Benny mumbled, brushing the sweat and sebum from his brow. “Now let’s go home. I want to watch Chicago Fire.” OMG JC a Bomb! fucked around with this message at 07:24 on Feb 1, 2014 |
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Feb 1, 2014 05:49
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Feb 1, 2014 07:14
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You are beautiful and I want to kiss you on the mouth.
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Feb 1, 2014 10:16
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OMG JC a Bomb! posted:“Now let’s go home. I want to watch Chicago Fire.” Sadly, there has been a lack of lesbian kisses on Chicago Fire this season. Benny's mom must have written a very convincing letter to NBC.
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Feb 1, 2014 10:23
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OMG JC a Bomb! posted:The child-seat crashed like a cymbal... I think I'm in love.
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Feb 1, 2014 15:00
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Now here's someone who can write. And that's presumably without spending tens of thousands on an English degree.
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Feb 1, 2014 15:45
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Yeah, but can he push a shopping cart?
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Feb 1, 2014 16:10
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That was the most magical thing I've read in a long time.
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Feb 1, 2014 16:33
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That was glorious.
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Feb 1, 2014 18:45
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OMG JC a Bomb! posted:A very entertaining read. Okay Benny your turn.
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Feb 1, 2014 19:09
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Aqua Bear posted:Okay Benny your turn.
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Feb 1, 2014 20:25
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What's that
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Feb 1, 2014 20:38
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Now I know why God decreed that this thread should exist.
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Feb 1, 2014 20:48
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Benny the Snake posted:You know I've been writing for about an hour a day now and I'm thinking about entering in the Thunderdome. I'm going to wait for next week. Yes good idea, put it off a few more days.
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Feb 1, 2014 20:49
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adventure in the sandbox posted:Yes good idea, put it off a few more days.
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Feb 1, 2014 21:20
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Benny the Snake posted:The signup passed. You should do some warm ups by writing fan-fiction about yourself, similar to the one previously posted above, and share it here for critique. No more than 5,000 words, ok go!
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Feb 1, 2014 21:57
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tbqh you could just put together every post in this thread into a prose novel form and i would bbuy it
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Feb 1, 2014 22:55
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OMG JC a Bomb! posted:Perfection. I really hope there was a thunderdome prompt about Benny with part of the rules being "post the fic in this thread". Because if there wasn't, then there should be.
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Feb 1, 2014 23:02
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Benny the Snake posted:The signup passed. Ok fair enough. Sorry Benny I just assumed 
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Feb 1, 2014 23:08
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Benny the Snake posted:You know I've been writing for about an hour a day now and I'm thinking about entering in the Thunderdome. I'm going to wait for next week. benny the snake this post kind of feels like shooting you in the back of the head while you go on about the rabbits, george, but it has to be said. you have to be a generally rad, interesting person in order to write compelling fiction. all that over a year of posting and a bunch of goons only slightly higher on the nerd totem poll digging up every piece of writing you've ever made public has shown, is that you are kind of a lame rear end dweeb and also a bitch. the kinks in your grammar and such can be fixed but faking experience and personality is really hard. Brian Vaughn can write cool dudes because he is a cool dude and not what I can best describe as a 'useless meat parasite'. I say this not to hurt your feelings but to stress that you have, as a degree holding adult citizen of these united states, spent a year of your life unable to find and hold down the sort of job given to actual literal migrant workers, children and the mentally handicapped. it's cool to do productive, fun things but for many reasons writing stories on the internet can wait until you become a functioning human being and have things to share with the world. my apologies if you are secretly not a lame rear end dweeb, bitch or meat parasite
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Feb 2, 2014 02:58
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I have bad news for you guys. Benny does not give a poo poo about most of what is said in this thread. This is the only place he even mentions jobs, while on the rest of the forums he discusses his usual manchild poo poo, and on mIRC he is obsessed with getting laid. He talks about getting laid about 10x more than anything else, and nothing anyone is saying here is even making it past the incredibly dense shell he has grown over his skull.
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Feb 2, 2014 03:05
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Anonymous Zebra posted:I have bad news for you guys. Benny does not give a poo poo about most of what is said in this thread. This is the only place he even mentions jobs, while on the rest of the forums he discusses his usual manchild poo poo, and on mIRC he is obsessed with getting laid. He talks about getting laid about 10x more than anything else, and nothing anyone is saying here is even making it past the incredibly dense shell he has grown over his skull. That sounds hilarious. A helpful hint, Benny: No woman worth a drat is gonna gently caress you if you don't have a job and live with your parents. Also your mother would frown on premarital sex, and you wouldn't want to endanger your comic book collection!
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Feb 2, 2014 03:43
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I'm just gonna imagine there's an e/n irc where people log in to get poo poo on over their terrible lives all day every day.
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Feb 2, 2014 03:58
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Well who can honestly say they are surprised to find his priorities are hosed up, he just doesn't talk about it here.
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Feb 2, 2014 04:02
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Anonymous Zebra posted:I have bad news for you guys. Benny does not give a poo poo about most of what is said in this thread. This is the only place he even mentions jobs, while on the rest of the forums he discusses his usual manchild poo poo, and on mIRC he is obsessed with getting laid. He talks about getting laid about 10x more than anything else, and nothing anyone is saying here is even making it past the incredibly dense shell he has grown over his skull. Which irc channel??
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Feb 2, 2014 06:51
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OMG JC a Bomb! posted:President Obama sat in the Situation Room with his closest confidants. John Kerry had misgivings about this mission. One gently caress-up, and they would have one hell of a mess on their hands. And this Benny guy, his resume’ was far from spotless. God drat, that's talent.
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Feb 2, 2014 08:06
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Benny the Snake posted:You know I've been writing for about an hour a day now and I'm thinking about entering in the Thunderdome. I'm going to wait for next week. All right, Benny. Good luck in Thunderdome, we all look forward to reading your submission. By the way, if you're writing for an hour, what are you doing with the rest of your time?
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Feb 2, 2014 11:18
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Wangsbig posted:benny the snake this post kind of feels like shooting you in the back of the head while you go on about the rabbits, george, but it has to be said. you have to be a generally rad, interesting person in order to write compelling fiction. all that over a year of posting and a bunch of goons only slightly higher on the nerd totem poll digging up every piece of writing you've ever made public has shown, is that you are kind of a lame rear end dweeb and also a bitch. Not all writers have to be Hemingway. Plenty of very good, widely read writing was done by weird dull recluses with peculiar hobbies. Benny shouldn't be discouraged from writing because he hasn't lived enough. Even if that were true, he should still be practicing for when he has lived enough. You don't just sit down and write a masterpiece without practice. What's more important is Benny must understand is that WRITING FICTION WILL NEVER EVER GET BENNY ENOUGH MONEY TO LIVE ON. It's fine as a hobby, but it is unreasonable to write as a career.
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Feb 2, 2014 12:17
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Wait, we already knew that Benny the Snake is a virgin who thinks that boning will solve all his problems. Some other poster told us that like a year ago. Also, even if that poster hadn't given us first hand details, we would have been able to guess that Benny the Snake's attitude toward sex, women and relationships might be a little off. He was raised in an apparently fundamentalist household, and still lives there where his mother and brother can watch him watch porn. At least he went to college, which can broaden your mind. I don't know. I don't want to stereotype but if I were to line up 10 goons and guess which one had weird issues about sex, it would be the 25 year old one still living off his mother's goodwill while typing up screeds against her.
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Feb 2, 2014 16:44
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Anonymous Zebra posted:I have bad news for you guys. Benny does not give a poo poo about most of what is said in this thread. This is the only place he even mentions jobs, while on the rest of the forums he discusses his usual manchild poo poo, and on mIRC he is obsessed with getting laid. He talks about getting laid about 10x more than anything else, and nothing anyone is saying here is even making it past the incredibly dense shell he has grown over his skull. Unfortunately for him, getting laid is going to take even longer. And if he can't handle a shopping cart, how is he expected to handle his penis during sex?
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Feb 2, 2014 20:07
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BrainParasite posted:Not all writers have to be Hemingway. Plenty of very good, widely read writing was done by weird dull recluses with peculiar hobbies. Benny shouldn't be discouraged from writing because he hasn't lived enough. Even if that were true, he should still be practicing for when he has lived enough. You don't just sit down and write a masterpiece without practice. Yes, but in those few sentences you have displayed a better grasp of spelling, grammar, structure and nuance than Benny has in all his posts over the course of one year and some eighty-odd pages, so...
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Feb 2, 2014 20:15
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Benny the Snake, what do you talk to girls about? Where are you going to meet girls? Who did you date or hook up with in college?
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Feb 2, 2014 20:16
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