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Why would you expect her to ever do that? Xone of Contention (Pun Count: 1) takes place a year after Zombie Lover, and it stars Breanna, Justin, Nimby, Chlorine, Kim, Dug and their friends Edsel and Pia. And oh my, is it a ride. We open on Edsel, who we learn is a computer programmer. He is trying to find a way to access the OS at a level that Windows doesn't want him to. Excuse me, "Doors." quote:"drat you, Macrohard," he swore softly "Just once, couldn't you give a person a break? I'm not trying to steal Doors from you, just to put a special function on the keypad 'Enter' key so Grundy Golem can work independent of the mouse. There are folk who don't like being chained to the mouse, you know, this isn't Dizzy World. Would it hurt you so bad to let someone have it his own way for a change?" But of course he knew the answer: yes, it would truly pain the company to let a user ever have it his own way. Macrohard never wanted anyone to forget for half an instant exactly who was the master, and who was the least important person in the universe. It couldn’t stop third party programmers like Edsel from trying to alleviate things but it could and did make sure that they were unable to make any significant improvements. So the bone became a whole zone of contention. (Pun Count: 6) Edsel has the rest of his work done, but this one problem just won't go away. We also get a digression on how his printer has two paper trays but isn't allowed to print unless both have paper in them. He decides to take a break. quote:Maybe if he took a break, got his mind off it for an hour, the way would come to him. Sometimes it was like that, you had to take the pressure off the gate before you could unlatch it. He remembered his frustration the first time he needed to format a floppy disk, and Doors didn't even list formatting as an option. Their Help feature did tell where to find it, but neglected to clarify that a right mouse click was necessary instead of the left one, to get the proper menu. Macrohard was a genius at providing the necessary function, but effectively disabling it by the selective omission of a key detail, so that most users could not get the benefit of it. Truly fine sadism. So he had wasted precious time before finally finding it by chance. That was too often the only way, as with evolution: time and chance. And that could be wearing on the psyche. While the anonymous Doors programmers surely laughed their nerdly heads off. They evidently loved making working folk waste time, energy, and patience. Edsel gets to work on cleaning the carburetor when Pia shows up, annoyed that he's not done with his work yet. They have a deadline, and Kim's just called to tell her that a buyer is asking about shipping dates. Edsel is shocked to realize he's been at work on his bike for three hours, and Pia is perfectly correct to be mad. He puts it back together as fast as he can, cleans up and heads off to find Pia. quote:He reassembled things as rapidly as feasible. and washed his hands. He went to find Pia, hoping to explain, but she was on the phone, giving Kim an earful. It was an irony of the situation that the two women got along great. Maybe that was because Pia was glad Kim was taking up Dug's attention, and Kim was glad that Pia wasn't taking his attention. So he went to the office and put the Companions program on his computer, running through its routine. He was rather proud of it, overall. (Pun Count: 7) quote:Edsel clicked Pia. Her picture came to life. She was wearing a dark blue jacket and skirt, and had small golden earrings representing Pluto, the P planet. "Very well, Edsel," she said dulcetly. "Now how can I help you with Excess? Do you know anything about spreadsheets or databases?" She smiled. She had a nice smile. In fact she had a nice everything, in appearance. He clicked "No." (Pun Count: 8) quote:He typed "Disrobe." (Pun Count: 10) quote:Maybe there would be inspiration on the GigaGrid, or the Mundane Mega Mesh that enclosed the world. He clicked the Mode M site and was on his way. (Pun Count: 12) quote:"That's right—go hide m the Grid the way you always do," Pia said sourly behind him. (Pun Count: 13) Edsel is intriged. He tries various passwords, but it doesn't work. He starts to feel a bunion coming on, and begins to whistle while also humming at the same time. quote:He tried the usual run of code words and signals but they didn’t work. Then his left big toe began to hurt. It felt like a bunion. He put voice into his whistle wondering whether this could be coincidence. How could a Mesh Leaf give a person a bunion. What kind of Xone of contention was this? (Pun Count: 14) Breanna is shocked to find that Edsel is Mundane. quote:Breanna seemed mollified. "Okay. Let's start at the top. I'm Breanna of the Black Wave. My talent is to see in blackness. Who are you and what's yours?" (Pun Count: 15) quote:She smiled. "That too, maybe. I mean, suddenly I see you rounded instead of flat. Am I the same to you?" Breanna decides that will need to be patched. quote:"Well. I hope I'm not bad even if my marriage is patchy." He hadn't meant to say that; he was a little unsettled. Yadda yadda. quote:"I was too young then, only nine. Anyway, the Black Wave had just come into Xanth then; we didn't know our way around. Sherlock went with Dug and found a good place by Ogre Chobee for us to settle in. So I guess I can't complain. But it sure sounds like fun." (Pun Count: 16) quote:"It sure does." he agreed. "Well, if I'm ever in Xanth, you can be my Companion and show me around." He felt a trace of guilt as he spoke, because he was flirting with this cute girl, and as a married man he shouldn't. (Pun Count: 17.) Edsel likes the idea, but isn't sure how. quote:"I just got this wonderful wild notion. Here we are talking in the Interface. If we could stretch it a little farther, and exchange places, then maybe you'd be in Xanth and I'd be in Mundania. I wouldn't mind visiting it though I sure wouldn't want to stay." Then she reconsidered. "Well, maybe not you and me changing places, exactly. Maybe I could switch with your wife, and you could switch with my boyfriend Justin." Yeeeeeeeah we're going here. quote:"For sure!" she agreed happily. "And Justin's not young at all. He's about ninety nine. I think." Breanna explains the idea again: a body swap. quote:"Oh. Yes. That could be interesting." In fact, as he considered it, it seemed more than interesting. If he could embrace Breanna, knowing it was really Pia, so he wasn't being unfaithful... His thought trailed into an ellipsis with a potentially infinite number of dots. Some of them were white dots, like Pia; some were brown, like Breanna. Breanna has an idea who to ask for help. She also explains that the O in O-Xone stands for 'other', an interface between Xanth and Mundania. Breanna's in charge because she knows some about Mundania. Edsel is the first visitor, though he isn't actually a Character. quote:"A what?" (Pun Count: 18) We get a brief recap on Sean Baldwin. quote:Breanna tended to provide more information than he could assimilate immediately, but it did help some. He returned to basics. "This business of exchanging bodies—I'm still not sure exactly how that works." Edsel wanders around. First, he finds an image of Castle Roogna, then one of the Gap. Then some centaurs, and Edsel stares at their giant, naked tits. Then he spots a winged squirrel, which he deduces must be a flying squirrel. (Pun Count: 19) He tries to figure out how to go into the squirrel image, but finds that he can't. quote:He stared into the picture, pondering. Did he need to hum-whistle to invoke the magic? He tried that, and the picture seemed to shimmer and expand, but he still wasn't in it. The winged squirrel was still there, with a dark trail wending into the background. When he looks back at the picture, however, the squirrel has managed to escape, so he feels relieved at not having gotten it killed. He heads back to Breanna, who is surprised he didn't gor for one of the mermaid pictures. quote:"I didn't see that one," he said, with real regret. He could have entered a scene with friendly mermaids? He had heard it said that a mermaid had all the good parts of a woman, and none of the bad parts. As if there were any bad parts. Breanna explains that the dragon in the squirrel image was enchanted to just barely miss each time, so as to make the fear realistic. She also says she checked with Chlorine (Pun Count: 19) and she says that a body swap is fine...but Breanna can't go. However, she'll be serving as Ed and Pia's companion, along with Justin. Edsel promises not to tell anyone if Breanna and Justin gently caress while they're doing the guide work. quote:"You aren't where you come from." she said with half a smile. "You'll meet Nimby and Chlorine tomorrow. But there's more: they're going to visit Mundania, by switching bodies with you. They'll need Companions too. to show them around, because Mundania can be just as dangerous as Xanth for strangers. So can you dig up a reliable pair of Mundane Companions?" Edsel heads out of the O-Xone, using his whistle-hum to exit and find himself back in his normal body. quote:He exited the Mesh, and then the GigaGrid. He had some talking to do, to several people. Pia takes the deal. They call Dug and Kim and inform them that they have to talk, then head for their house. quote:Edsel wheeled out the Lemon, and Pia climbed on behind him, putting her arms around his waist. He had always liked riding with her. feeling her thighs against his hips, her bosom against his back. Her body wasn't quite as good as it had been, but still appealed to him. He wondered how he had changed to turn her off, or whether she just had a short romantic attention span. Edsel fears he knows why Pia no longer likes him: she is shallow and incapable of longterm commitment, having relied entirely on her looks to get through things and never having an unselfish thought. He is still in love with her, but what he really wants is Kim's personality in Pia's 16-year-old body. (Actually, you need to read this directly.) quote:Actually, he feared he did know why: because Pia was as shallow as she was lovely, perhaps incapable of a meaningful long-term relationship. She had always used her looks to get by, and never developed a serious unselfish commitment to anything. Yet he remained smitten. What he truly wanted was perhaps not even theoretically achievable: the looks of Pia as she had been at age sixteen, and the character of Kim. Or at least Pia's present appearance, and an uplifting long term goal. Something she truly believed in that didn't directly benefit herself. They arrive at Dug and Kim's. quote:Kim opened the door. She was tall and lean, in jeans, and her lace was garden variety, but she had a contagious enthusiasm for things. She had short curly light brown hair and blue eyes. Edsel wondered for the nth time what Dug saw in her, for Dug had always been just as fascinated by sexy women as Edsel was. She had been a string bean at sixteen, and remained one at twenty three. Pia, in contrast, had lustrous long dark brown hair, sexy green eyes, a cute heart shaped face, and a figure that remained not far short of great. There simply was no comparison between them. Yet Dug plainly doted on Kim. Ever since she kissed him, he said. As if that made sense. Edsel then stares at Pia's rear end for a bit, then her legs. quote:Dug took another chair, facing Edsel rather than Pia. Dug had once been Pia's boyfriend, but he had treated her like a sister ever since Kim came into his life. Edsel suspected that that bothered Pia on some level, though she wanted nothing romantic to do with Dug. The men she dumped weren't supposed to do as well as Dug had. Edsel explains the O-Xone, and Kim apparently already knows about it. And also knows Breanna...somehow? I don't even know. He explains the whole exchange concept. Kim gets everything immediately. Dug and Kim are happy to help. quote:Edsel was starting to catch on to what Dug saw in her. Kim had not only anticipated his awkward request, but agreed to it as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "Thanks," he said, much relieved. "Breanna and someone called Justin will be our guides in Xanth. but I was concerned about imposing on you." (Pun Count: 21) Kim kisses Edsel out of enthusiasm. quote:The world seemed to turn over, Edsel was floating on the elevated side of a Ferris wheel, high among pink clouds, dizzy but happy. Suddenly the rest of the mystery evaporated, and he knew what Dug meant. That was the best kiss he had ever experienced—and it wasn't even serious. If she had wanted to seduce him, she could have done it merely by holding the kiss longer. Of course that was not her intent, and everyone knew it. But what a kiss! Kim explains that she'd thought they were talking about breaking up. Pia admits that they are, if Xanth doesn't work out. quote:Things got abruptly serious. "You are considering it?" Kim asked, and now there was no mischief or humor in her expression or tone. Edsel realized that she had not forgotten that Pia had been Dug's first girlfriend. Surely she didn't want Pia on the loose again. Dug is sure Xanth will work, though. Pia and Edsel head back home, and Edsel gets to work on the program, finding a way to get what he wants done. He hands it off to Pia, who calls Kim and informs her it'll be over in an hour. quote:"An hour?" Edsel asked. "We can have it there in fifteen minutes." The next day, they meet up at the O-Xone, online, and he whistles them in, shocking Pia. We are also assured that Kim dressed up and looks decent now. They find Breanna and are brought in to meet her completely. quote:They stood in the center, uncertain whether to sit. Then from a hall on the opposite side a man and a woman entered. The man seemed to be of college age, and the woman of high school age. In fact she was Breanna, this time complete. "You're right," Edsel said, sun eying her body. "It's proportional." ...wow. Just...just, wow. They make their introductions. Kim apparently knew about Breanna because they got a report on Jenny's wedding. Breanna namedrops Nimby and Chlorine, shocking Kim. quote:Breanna glanced at him sharply. "You don't know who they are?" As for how Kim knew...wasn't Nimby's true identity a secret? They meet with Nimby and Chlorine, and Edsel immediately starts ogling Chlorine. quote:"Thank you." Chlorine said smoothly. "We know. Now there should be no misunderstanding, so I will spell it out. Nimby is a demon who normally assumes dragon rear end form in Xanth, hut he can take any form he wants, and give any form to his companion. We will borrow your forms in Mundania, but we think that something else is better for you in Xanth." She glanced around the room. Nimby and chlorine become clones of Edsel and Pia. quote:"So you can be yourselves, in Xanth," Chlorine continued. "Except that you will have to have magic talents, because everyone in Xanth does." Then she and Nimby reverted to their original forms, abating the confusion. Edsel doesn't like the sound of it, and doesn't really believe that Nimby can do it anyway. But he agrees to listen. We get the backstory of Nimby and Chlorine. quote:"A dragon rear end," Chlorine said. "But when I asked him to change, he assumed a nicer form." The princely man reappeared "This isn't his real form either, but I am satisfied with these two forms. I like being a damsel with a dragon. Nimby is actually a crafted form of the Demon X(A/N)th from whom all magic flows. I speak for him, and guide him, because my compass is small enough to concentrate on scenes and events that are for him like ants on a distant slope; it is an effort for him to focus on them. Your friends recognized him, and are properly amazed." (Pun Count: 22) quote:Nimby reached out with one hand, toward Edsel and Pia. The hand expanded, becoming huge. The fingers closed around the two of them. Pia screamed as they were lifted right out of the Leaf and through the ceiling, which fuzzed away. They soared high above the landscape of Xanth. whose outline looked much like the State of Florida, or possibly Italy, Korea, or some other large peninsula. The hand held them firmly, but the arm trailed into a mere string, as if they were being flown like a kite. Then the whole thing melted into swirling colors. They became two birds, flying toward a castle. Their wings beat in the air as if it were water. They flew into a window, into a chamber, where a woman walked who had a tiny moon circling her head. She glanced up, seeing them as they joined its orbit. But then they flew on, back out the window, and across the landscape to a great lake, where they dived down into the water and became two flying fish, touring a fabulous magical underwater setting where mermaids and mermen were just the beginning. Then back out to air, to the coast, which glistened like polished brass. On to another castle, and into that one, and to a room where six people stood. They landed, resuming their natural forms. They were back in the chamber with the others. Edsel is convinced, and he and Pia agree to keep the secret. He also gets permission to use some of what he saw in future products. quote:That reminded him. "No mention of Nimby. But why does anyone with this much power want to go to Mundania in someone else's body?" (Pun Count: 24) They decide to take a week to set things up, then do the swap. quote:Then the scene dissolved, and the four of them from Mundania were standing at the O-Xone exit. Edsel hum-whistled, and they were back on their linked computers. Back in Mundania. Already it seemed dreary. Pun Count: 24 by the end of Chapter 1.
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# ? Mar 9, 2014 19:12 |
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# ? Jun 8, 2024 08:17 |
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I think 'macrohard' just gave me a migraine. That's Micro$oft levels of 'cleverness'.
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# ? Mar 9, 2014 20:01 |
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Our hero: author of a porn Clippy knock-off.
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# ? Mar 9, 2014 20:17 |
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They aren't even trying to keep Nimby secret anymore.
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# ? Mar 9, 2014 20:18 |
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Anthony knows how to write two kinds of male protagonists: boring and horrible. This guy manages to be both.
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# ? Mar 9, 2014 20:53 |
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Mods change my name to "software of the feminine kind" tia
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# ? Mar 9, 2014 21:07 |
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This looks horribly like advertising for a Xanth MMORPG. In among all the other horrible poo poo, that is.
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# ? Mar 9, 2014 21:36 |
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Runcible Cat posted:This looks horribly like advertising for a Xanth MMORPG. Imagine the end game: 12-hour dungeon crawls, but instead of a monster at the end, there is a prince, and you have to marry him. If you don't, your character is deleted from your account when you hit level 30.
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# ? Mar 9, 2014 22:00 |
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How worried should we be that the path to Xanth is by chatting up a hot teenager online?
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# ? Mar 9, 2014 22:18 |
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Dienes posted:Imagine the end game: 12-hour dungeon crawls, but instead of a monster at the end, there is a prince, and you have to marry him. If you don't, your character is deleted from your account when you hit level 30.
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# ? Mar 10, 2014 13:24 |
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Chapter 2 is from Pia's POV. She finds Edsel and her marriage fairly boring, but Xanth is interesting to her. She had always envied Dug and Kim their ability to believe in fantasy, and now she gets to see real magic. She still doesn't really believe in it, but she was impressed by the O-Xone. Plus, Edsel has agreed not to oppose divorce if this turns out poorly, which she's pretty sure it will. She doesn't really hate Edsel - she just finds him boring, and she wants excitement, novelty and indulgence. She got Edsel to make his bet when she found Dug boring, but now she regrets that - Dug's interesting again. Still, she is willing to give this a fair shake - if for no other reason than to avoid an ugly breakup.quote:Now if only she could be as readily free of her diabetes. She had long since learned to give herself insulin shots, they really didn't hurt any more, and twice a day was enough. The blood sugar level checks were mere pinpricks, a nuisance, but again, routine. So apart from a certain caution about her diet, she could mostly ignore it. But she would rather be free of it. For one thing, it was likely to complicate things if she ever decided to have children, not that she expected to. Children were such demanding nuisances. Oh boy. Pia is again quite impressed by the technology that makes it seem they enter the O-Xone physically. They find the others. quote:"Some things we need to clarify," the damsel said. Chlorine—that was her name, like a chemical treatment—was taking charge, in her pushy manner, as she had before. "We shall need to remain in touch, in case it should prove necessary to end the exchange early. So we must report to this O-Xone each day." She glanced around, but nobody disagreed. "And though Nimby and I will not have magic in Mundania, the two of you will have talents in Xanth. We want you to have useful ones, that will help you get along without being so strong as to attract undue attention. So you, Edsel, will have the ability to create solid illusionary creatures. And you, Pia, will be able to see one day into the future. That should help you avoid problems, as you will be able to change that future by changing your immediate actions." They take Chlorine and Nimby's hands, and are suddenly in the other bodies. Chlorine assures them that their bodies are in perfect health...except for Pia's diabetes. Edsel and Pia head with Breanna and Justin, and the groups promise to check in in 24 hours. They head past a love spring to meet with Com Passion. (Pun count: 25) quote:"Hi, Passion," Breanna said brightly. "These are Edsel and Pia Mundane." They also introduce themselves to Passion's mouse, Terian. (Pun Count: 26) Terian demonstrates her mouseness by turning into a mouse. Pia is terrified that the mouse will run up her leg and shouts about it. Passion asks if they want to stay and play a game, but they can't. They promise to return in a day, and leave. Pia asks where she'd go to take a poo poo. Breanna leads her to an outhouse, which uses illusion to not look like a board with a hole. Pia uses this as a hcance to give herself an insulin shot. They head back, and Edsel scares them with a solid illusion ghost. quote:Pia concealed her annoyance at being frightened. "I thought a ghost wasn't solid." (Pun Count: 26) Edsel makes a few dirty jokes which Justin doesn't get. Justin demonstrates his talent of voice projection, and Pia tests hers - she looks into the future and sees trees and water. She then spots Edsel moving aorund. She learns she can only see, not hear or anything else, and sees exactly 24 hours into the future. She sees nothing especially interesting as she keeps testing it. Justin suggests willing herself to choose another course in the future, to see if anything changes, but...nope. They start to wonder why Pia is seeing a shoreline, since they plan to head for Roogna. quote:That made the girl paused. "Gee. I don't know. Unless maybe we ask the roc to take us to the Isle of View or something." (Pun Count: 27) quote:"It's an island named View. Very romantic. Prince Dolph and Princess Electra got married there." Breanna smiled. "I hear it was quite an event, because neither one of them knew how to signal the stork. But they must have figured it out because the stork delivered twins." (Pun Count: 28) Yes, that joke needed to be explained. They head on and find a sign. quote:The sign said RESTLING-BOXING-SOCKER. An arrow indicated another side path. Edsel heads off to investigate without anyone getting a hcance to say anything. quote:They followed Edsel down the path. They came to a region where several men. women, and children were lying on the ground. They weren't sleeping, just lying. (Pun Count: 29) quote:But Edsel was already going on to the next. This turned out to be a group of people making boxes as quickly as they could. Boxing. (Pun Count: 30) quote:"The Socker should be better." he said, moving on. (Pun Count: 31) They head on and find...well. quote:They returned to the main path. There at the juncture was a female form so luscious it seemed like a crime. Edsel's gaze was immediately locked, and so was Justin’s. It is wearing a toga - and the book is very clear that the word is 'it.' quote:The figure began unwinding the cloth. Soon the face would be exposed. "I thought I might ask one tiny little favor." (Pun Count: 36) She's baaaaaack. Justin recognizes Metria. quote:The opening hood turned to him "You have an obstruction with that?" (Pun Count: 37) Metria gets Edsel to agree to it because, well, Metria has huge tits. quote:The demoness unwrapped some more. Her sculptured slender neck came into view, and the first divine upper swell of her gently heaving bosom "I thought if you were touring Xanth anyway, you could take along my darling Ted." (Pun Count: 44) Edsel and Justin quickly agree. quote:"And of course his inseparable friend of the same age, DeMonica," Metria continued as the winding bared her expanding hips. (Pun Count: 45) And they agree to that, too. Breanna is annoyed - she knows that she and Pia will have to take care of the kids, because Justin and Edsel are men, and therefore incompetent at kids. Metria offers to show her panties, but Breanna stops her. quote:"Because it will freak them out, and they won't be able to do the job." (Pun Count: 50) Metria leaves the kids. quote:"I'm Ted," the boy said. He wore a little frilly pink dress with matching feminine sandals. His blond hair was tied with a red ribbon. Ted and Monica rush off to explore, but Breanna convinces them to stick to the path to avoid getting eaten. quote:"Hey, there's a B," Ted said, pointing. (Pun Count: 51) quote:"There's a Joy stick." Ted said, pointing to a little column beside the path. (Pun Count: 53) We get a brief digression on Metria's half-soul. quote:"Demons don't have souls, because they are souls," Breanna explained. "When you use your soul as a body, it gets degraded, and you lose its finer aspects. So they don't have much conscience, and they can't really love. But Metria got a taste of what souled life was like, and got a hankering, and finally married a mortal man and got half his soul. It's sort of a convention; a demon who marries a mortal can have the better half. Then she has a conscience, and can love, in a half-donkeyed way." (Pun Count: 54) They decide to ask the kids how much of a soul they each have. The kids have gotten into some mischief, but don't want to talk about it. quote:"I'm not lying." Breanna said. "But it seems that you've been into some mischief I should ask you about also." Ted explains that he has a quarter soul - half of Metria's. And Monica has a half soul - half of Nada Naga's. We also get D. Vore mentioned. (Pun Count: 55) Pia asks why the kids are feeling guilty. They say they found something, but won't say what. quote:"That could be anything from a stink horn to a basilisk,." Breanna muttered. (Pun Count: 55) Monica reveals the thing - a locket. Monica says there's nothing bad inside, but doesn't want to tell what it is, because they won't let her keep it. They promise to do so, and she explains that the locket can hold anything - you just have to put it in or wish it in, and then you can wish it out as you like. Ted arrives with a stink horn, which they put in the locket. The kids wander off, and Breanna asks about Pia's marriage. quote:"I said we are associates," Pia agreed. "Because our marriage is rocky, and we want to get the feel of separation, in case we want to divorce." Pia is pretty sure it won't work that way for her. quote:Breanna shook her head. "That's weird. I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone but Justin. My only problem is I can't make it with him already." Pia mentions that she was 15 when she hosed Edsel, and she hosed him a lot. However, she thinks she went too fast and was too young. She thinks maybe there's some reason for the Adult Conspiracy. quote:The girl pondered a moment. "When you were fifteen—if you had honored the Conspiracy—would you be happy with him now?" Pia thinks Breanna should gently caress Justin, but of course he'll only kiss, and only face to face. Pia suggests she do more. quote:"I'll bet the Adult Conspiracy offers a bit of leeway in the in-between age. Why don't you try it and see?" Breanna loves the idea. They wander past a tangel tree, and Justin warns them not to go too close, demonstrating by tossing a stick at the tree. The tree is disgusted, since wood is cannibalism. quote:"You were a tangle tree?" Pia asked, horrified. (Pun Count: 56) They head past a dragon's lair, and the dragon tries to scare them off the path, but they head past safely. They decide to make camp and visit some centaurs tomorrow. Pia is enjoying her trip. They find the campsite is a set of nests. Pia is shocked, but decides to try it. quote:Pia shrugged and followed. The ladder was flexible but firm. She was conscious of the two men standing below as she reached head height, but knew she had pretty good legs, so didn't worry about it. When she got to the rim of the nest, she heaved herself over, lost her grip, and tumbled into the center of the nest. Breanna explains how panties work in Xanth to Pia, who doesn't buy it. Breanna demonstrates by flashing the men, who freak out. quote:The two children were giggling. "That's showing 'em, Blackwave girl!" Ted cried naughtily. "Black is the color of my true love's—" She's six! quote:"And I'll be able to freak out," Ted agreed. He's six! The menfolk recover, and they set up camp. quote:"What happens if a man sees a woman naked?" Vore shows up and picks up the kids. He also hits on Pia. quote:"She's Pia Mundane," Breanna said. "I mean Putz Does Nada know you're flirting with visitors?" And Pia finally realizes what his name means. Vore finds the kids. quote:They dumped the blankets in two nests. Meanwhile Vore had taken away the children, and Justin and Edsel had harvested four pies from a pie tree. They sat down on large toadstools by a glassy table. (Pun Count: 58) quote:"Of course," Breanna agreed. "And here's some milk." She set down several milkweed pods. (Pun Count: 59) quote:Breanna had chocolate milk "I wouldn't want my color to fade," she explained. Breanna convinces Justin to share a bed with her to keep her warm. quote:They finished their meal as dusk closed. Then they went to their nests "You know, poor Justin really likes that girl," Edsel said as they settled down. "He told me that it's all he can do to keep his hands off her. But she's too young, so he stays clear." Edsel asks Pia for sex, but she refuses. She doesn't feel like it. quote:He lay back, disappointed Edsel had his faults, but he was a gentleman about sex. There was silence. Pun Count: 59 by the end of Chapter 2.
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# ? Mar 10, 2014 18:49 |
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Mors Rattus posted:Breanna had chocolate milk. "I wouldn't want my color to fade," she explained. Good weeping Jesus. I was thinking ... hoping, really ... that Anthony's constant reminders that Breanna is black (did you know she's black? 'Cause she is -- black, I mean! Blackity black black!) was a way of patting himself on the back and making sure we all see how enlightened he is to include a black character in his books. But now I can't make up my mind what's more infantile, his views on sex or his views on race.
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# ? Mar 10, 2014 19:53 |
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Selachian posted:But now I can't make up my mind what's more infantile, his views on sex or his views on race. Wait until Breanna is of age! Best of both worlds. Pia being healed of everything except diabetes is so loving arbitrary and stupid.
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# ? Mar 11, 2014 00:04 |
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Chapter 3. We join Chlorine, who is nervous because Nimby will not have his vast magic power in Mundania, and they have to be careful to keep E(A/R)th from realizing. She begged him not to, but Nimby insisted, and what Nimby wants, Chlorine does. She and Nimby follow Kim.quote:"Got it," the Mundane woman Kim called back. Then they turned forward, and walked down the hall to the O-Xone Interface exit. They passed though that—and Chlorine found herself sitting on a chair, with her hands on a funny kind of board with a number of marked little squares staring at a screen resembling Com Pewter's. Her hands looked wrong, until she reminded herself that she was no longer in her own body. She was now a Mundane, among Mundanes. She hoped she survived the experience. (Pun Count: 60) Chlorine briefly gets confused at being called Pia, but realizes that she has to pretend to be Pia because Earth is clearly watching the internet and will notice if they call her Chlorine. quote:But Nimby was in another room, and she had to be sure he was all right. She got up and found her way out the open door to the adjacent chamber. There was Edsel, sitting somewhat blankly before his own screen. "Nimby." she murmured. "It's Chlorine." Literally the epitome of explaining things people already know. They start poking around the house, and Kim and Dug drive up in a car. We get standard introductions and learn that because of the method used, Chlorine and Nimby can speak English. Kim takes Chlorine to the bathroom to explain things. (Dug will help Nimby later.) quote:They re-entered the bathroom, and Kim closed the door. "Now this is the sink. You wash your hands here, or a pair of socks, or whatever. Same as in Xanth. Turn this tap for cold water, and this one for hot." She demonstrated. Sure enough, soon cold water was streaming from one nozzle, and hot water from the other. Who the hell washes clothes in the bathroom sink? I guess they must not own a washing machine. quote:"I thought you didn't have magic in Mundania." Chlorine said, impressed. We get an explanation of plumbing, and they leave. Dug and Nimby head up, and in the meantime, Kim explains food. Chlorine tells her that Nimby wants to see Mundania. quote:"We can show you. But I think it's best to start simple. There may be pitfalls, just as there are in Xanth." Kim paused. "Outside, I'll just say 'the other place.' You understand." (Pun Count: 62) Kim explains cars to Chlorine, and they head off. quote:They came to a plain where many of the boxes sat. They found a spot and sat also. They got out, leaving the car behind. "But won't it wander away?" Chlorine asked, Nimby and Chlorine are shocked to find that the mall has plants and a fountain inside it. They start looking around. quote:They walked along the hallway, whose sides were filled with doors and big windows. In each window was a display of things. They looked. This was window-shopping, it turned out: looking without taking. The first window had shoes. (Pun Count: 63) Chlorine finds the concept of 'making things' to be confusing. quote:They came to a window with pictures of cold confection. "Eye scream!" Chlorine said. (Pun Count: 64) They get some ice cream, and Chlorine decides they should have it at their next meal. quote:They came to another type of opening. This one had a line of people passing a booth and giving money to a girl locked in the booth "She is under an enchantment?" Chlorine asked. "Doomed to stay there until a witch lets her out or a handsome dragon-prince rescues her?" (Pun Count: 66) Dug is a big Rocky Horror fan. quote:"So this will be the eleventh. It gets better with each repetition." They start watching. Kim tells Chlorine to ignore the previews. quote:There were other frightening, odd, or incomprehensible "preview" pictures. One featured a villain hauling the hero high with a pulley, so that he dangled over a cauldron of acid. Nimby seemed fascinated by this too. "That's a geared block and tackle." Dug said helpfully. "It multiplies the pull. See, the villain can work it with one hand, lifting the hero's whole weight. Leverage is great stuff." Nimby nodded, making a mental note. Chlorine thought it was the physics rather than the story that intrigued him. But she wasn't sure. Nimby was interested in everything, and he had an inhuman capacity for assimilating new information. (Pun Count: 67) It's amazing how someone obsessed with puns can look at Rocky Horror and then change a name so that the pun stops working. They head back, and Dug teaches Nimby how to drive. They show off the TV, and Chlorine becomes woozy. They realize that they forgot about Pia's diabetes, and that she should have taken some insulin by now. Dug goes to help, since he helped Pia back when she first got diagnosed. quote:"Then I'd better. I used to help her, way back when she first was diagnosed and was learning the dosages and technique." He grabbed for Pia's purse and rummaged in it for something. Then he approached Chlorine. "Your body has a problem. A shot will take care of it. I'm going to have to get rather personal, but this is something you need to have and to know how to do. Lift up your skirt." Dug sticks her, Chlorine jumps, and we get this done. Chlorine starts feeling better. They explain the schedule she has to follow for insulin, and start watching TV. They decide to wait until tomorrow for the motorcycle. quote:Nimby perked up. Kim laughed. "Yes, like the ones in the movie preview, only nobody in real life ever rides them like that." Because it's run by someone who hates the idea of leaving people unmarried, yes. Kim and Dug head home. Nimby and Chlorine clean up. quote:They went upstairs and used the bathroom facilities. It was worse for Nimby than for Chlorine, because as a Demon he had not had natural functions, and in manform he had simply used magic to abate those he didn't care for. Now he had no way to escape them. She had to help him with the details. Fortunately, as a Demon, he also lacked a sense of privacy. She did not say so, but she rather liked having him dependent on her for help for a change. He would need help only once, in anything, but there would be a number of things to learn. And then they gently caress. quote:"Well, I'm tired and overloaded by new experience," she said. "But I've never made love without magic, and never in someone else's body, and never to a Mundane man. That's three to two in favor of doing it now. So let's do it." Pun Count: 66 by the end of Chapter 3.
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# ? Mar 11, 2014 02:51 |
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Why can Xanth still not talk?
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# ? Mar 11, 2014 04:44 |
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Dienes posted:Wait until Breanna is of age! Best of both worlds. What do you mean, wait until she's of age? Piers Anthony, remember?
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# ? Mar 11, 2014 05:01 |
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Fantasy characters who don't understand cars, much less believe that cars are living things, is one of my biggest drat pet peeves in the world. Because in fantasy worlds we evidently don't have objects that carry other objects like carts or wagons or ships! Sadly, Anthony is hardly the only writer who does this. He is the only one who pulls this sort of contrived shite, though: quote:"Because you can't use a self-cleaning spell in Mundania. You have to take a bath or shower or equivalent."
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# ? Mar 11, 2014 09:27 |
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Dienes posted:Does Breanna ever reference her ethnicity in a way that isn't related to illness, evil, etc? Well you see, Piers Anthony wanted to put a well-rounded black character in his novel. Unfortunately, 'well-rounded' was interpreted as an innuendo, and
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# ? Mar 13, 2014 15:31 |
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Chapter 4. Edsel wakes up in the middle of the night and goes to take a leak. He ponders Pia.quote:Because though his passion had faded somewhat in their years of marriage, he still did love her. She could be selfish and difficult and cutting, but she could also be wonderful. Tonight had been an example. She knew exactly how to please him, and she was matchless when she tried. As Edsel emerges from the outhouse, he hears Breanna calling from off the path. He heads over and spots her, and she warns him that he must leave, beause danger is coming by sunrise. He asks about leaving Pia and Justin, and she tells him that Justin is finding a safe place and he should get Pia. Edsel remains weirded out, but Breanna is sure, so he goes and gets Pia. At first she thinks he wants to gently caress again, but she soon comes after. The two of them, tired and woozy, head off down a side path. Pia asks Breanna how the hand-holding went. When Breanna doesn't get the question or the concept of 'petting', Edsel and Pia realize something is wrong. They check, and it seems Breanna is illusion - a trick. They try to head back, but the path they took is gone behind them. They decide to play along for now, until Breanna and Justin can find them. They are led down the path for hours, until they spot something. quote:Edsel looked. A jagged line was forming in the sky. It widened and lengthened, and light spilled out. One end was overhead; the other was touching the horizon. (Pun Count: 67) Their path fades, and ahead of them they can spot a dark castle, a stream and a boat. They decide to borrow the boat and flee after leaving a marker to remember where to return the boat to. They head downstream, coming to a lake, where htey find an island. They wonder about why they were tricked, and why all the illusion vanished at dawn. They believe it might be vampires. Edsel is surprised that Pia is mocking him for making the mistake. They circle the island, then land at the beach so Pia can take her insulin. quote:Pia stepped out first. He caught a glimpse of her high thigh as she lifted her leg, but didn't say anything. He still liked such views, though her legs were thicker than they had been. As her foot touched the sand, she paused, then completed her motion. Then he got out—and felt something like a mild electric shock as his shoe landed. They're not sure what it is that causes that. quote:There was a cluster of what looked like stalks of straw sticking out of the ground. Edsel had a notion, so he picked one and bit on the end. Sure enough; it was a strawberry. "We have breakfast," he announced. (Pun Count: 68) Edsel tries to use his talent, but can't. Pia realizes that they're where she saw them the day before. quote:"But that makes sense," he said. "You couldn't change that view— because it wasn't anything you were doing then that affected it. It was the spook in the night. If we'd said no to it, that would have changed our future." Pia finds that she, too, has lost her talent. Edsel suspects the island steals them. Pia heads to bed for a while and Edsel keeps watch. He gets bored and examines a cloud. He finds that he can reshape it with his mind. He hopes Pia got a more useful talent to replace hers than he did. quote:Meanwhile, he pondered the likely rules of changes of talents. If the exchange happened when a person first touched the island, which seemed likely considering that slight shock they had felt, would it do it again if a person left the island and returned? That seemed likely, because the island couldn't be presumed to be intelligent. It just had this property of switching talents with whoever touched it. He can no longer shape clouds, but he didn't get his old talent back, either. He leans on a tree and somehow pushes it into the ground. He finds he can push things downwards, but not pull them up. He apologizes to the tree. He gets back in the boat and gets out, swapping talents. quote:His mind scanned the scene and the universe. No notion of a talent came to him. He tried guessing and got nowhere. Could he stir up a dust devil in the sand? No Could he turn the sun green? No. Could he conjure a mint plant? No. Could he make the sand slippery? No. Could he make a protective shield around himself? No. Could he become a super vacuum cleaner that sucked up everything? No, and he was getting a bit crazy. (Pun Count: 69) quote:"No need to egg me on." She experimented. Nothing happened. "I can't think of anything." she said, gesturing with the blue egg in her hand. (Pun Count: 70) Pia has no idea where the egg came from, and they realize she must have conjured it up. She can't conjure anything else, though - just eggs. She gets into the boat, then out of it. She finds that her new power is walking on air...but when she touches back down to the ground, she loses it. We also learn that this is the Isle of Talents, from the narration, which just starts calling it that. They find a sign telling them to talk to the Teller if they are confused, and find a small disk nearby. It tells them that it is the teller, and it announces talents. quote:Edsel glanced at Pia "This could be useful." Then he addressed the teller again. "What's my talent?" Pia's, meanwhile, is to become what is needed, while it's needed, when she knows what's needed. She also thinks this is too convenient. They put the teller back. quote:"I don't think I like becoming what is needed," Pia said "That might be a meal for a dragon." They realize they may need the teller if they want to change talents. They decide to keep it until they find ones they want, then leave it behind. Edsel tests his talent, finding that the wooden pedestal becomes transparent and contains the image of a tree. Pia asks the teller, and finds her new talent is noise amplification. She jumps, and now it is making paintains come to life. She hands off the Teller, which tells Edsel his new talent is waxing the moon's green cheese. (Pun Count: 71) quote:Edsel laughed, then realized that the teller was serious. In Xanth, the moon really did have green cheese on the side facing the ground. On the side facing away, he understood, it was milk and honey, because that was not polluted by the sights it saw. Thus a honeymoon was by definition to the far side. (Pun Count: 70) He jumps, andn ow his talent is returning things to their original state. He asks where it came from, and apparently from a boy named Reubren who once visited the island. Edsel pockets the teller and they head for the boat. They decide to return it now and find Justin and Breanna. This is when Edsel realizes that he kept the teller - and now, it's too late to go back if they want to keep their talents. They try to find their way back to the camp, and Pia decides to test her talent, drawing a crude rabbit in the dirt and bringing it to life. Edsel then returns it to its natural state. Pia tries to return it to life, but can't. Neither of their talents seem to work. The teller claims Edsel's power is summoning birds. He summons one...and a roc appears in the sky. quote:It settled down, rocked a few times, and tucked its head under one wing. Now it most resembled a boulder, twelve feet high. (Pun Count: 72) Pia's tallent is making things thicker or thinner. She makes a tree thinner, but can't thicken it - their talents appear to work only once. quote:"I guess the rule is different, off the island. But I don't like this. We can't ever be sure of our talents. If we didn't have the teller, we'd be mostly confused." Edsel and Pia decide to check the teller at the same time. It gives one answer: making a wish come true. They have no idea whose talent it is, so decide to both silently make a wish. Edsel wishes for his motorcycle, which appears. Pia, meanwhile, has wished for her sixteen-year-old figure back. quote:They had both gotten their wishes. Belatedly, he realized what that meant. "You could have wished we'd find our Companions." Edsel turns the motor off and leads the bike. Edsel now gets the talent of bringing statues to life, and carves a stick into a crude human figure so he can. It runs off. Pia has the power of glaring daggers. She shoots one at Edsel, using it up. (Pun Count: 73) Edsel now has the power of controlling emotions. He makes Pia happy. quote:"You fool," she laughed happily. "You just wasted another talent you should have saved for a mean monster." Pia gets the talent of summoning a friend, and she summons Breanna, who appears nearby. She and Justin have been hunting for a while. Pia explains that she got her figure back, and Edsel shows off his bike. quote:"I must say I never saw a lemon or any other fruit like that." (Pun Count: 74) They get back to the safe path and pull out an ear - a literal ear - to connect with Passion, and thus Chlorine. They check in and are done. They explain what happened, and Justin, it seems, knows of the Isle of Talents, though not its location. He says it shouldn't keep happening, however. They pull out the teller, which Justin recognizes as a demon. It is responsible for changing out talents here. If they get rid of it, they should get their original talents back from...well, when they last changed talents out on the island, I guess? They try to throw it away, but it sticks to their hands or flies back no matter what they do. It can only be given to someone else. They rea`lize they'll have to head back to the Isle of Talents to leave it on its pedestal. They also mention the castle, which only eixsted at night. Edsel runs through talents until he gets the power to find the best route to things. quote:"That isn't right," Justin said "You did not define the boat." (Pun Count: 75) They find the duck-footed boat Para from last book. (Pun Count: 76) It is held captive by a tangle tree. They offer to trade the Lemon for the boat. Para agrees to serve as transport, but the tree thinks they've betrayed it - it thought they were offering Pia, who was sitting on the Lemon. quote:"But I'm not about to be going to go get gobbled by that monster," Pia protested. Edsel suggests that Pia run through talents to find something useful to protect her. Her current one is hearing close things. Then to be ineffably charming. quote:"That won't help me either! I—" The tree takes the deal and the bike, and they leave. Pun Count: 75 by the end of Chapter 4.
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# ? Mar 13, 2014 20:26 |
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quote:"I don't think I like becoming what is needed," Pia said "That might be a meal for a dragon."
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# ? Mar 13, 2014 20:36 |
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I actually have the chance to be in an anthology including Piers Anthony among others. It'd be good for my career, but just the sheer loving creepiness of this man makes me wonder if it's worth it. Probably, but man, it gives me a serious case of the moral qualms, especially after learning about the existence his 'Firefly' novel.
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# ? Mar 13, 2014 23:14 |
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Godspeed, brave one. Stare not into the abyss for it stares back.Nihilarian posted:Thanks Pia/Piers, it's good to know you think women exist to be sex objects for men.
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# ? Mar 13, 2014 23:19 |
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I want to see the ultimate train wreck that would be a collaboration between Piers Anthony and Neil Gaiman.
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# ? Mar 14, 2014 02:26 |
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Goat Bouillabaise posted:I actually have the chance to be in an anthology including Piers Anthony among others. It'd be good for my career, but just the sheer loving creepiness of this man makes me wonder if it's worth it. Probably, but man, it gives me a serious case of the moral qualms, especially after learning about the existence his 'Firefly' novel.
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# ? Mar 14, 2014 03:34 |
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LordAba posted:I want to see the ultimate train wreck that would be a collaboration between Piers Anthony and Neil Gaiman. Amanda Palmer and Piers Anthony would be more interesting to watch.
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# ? Mar 14, 2014 06:09 |
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Mercedes Lackey and Piers Anthony went in on a book together in the early 90s. It had excessively florid romantic scenes from her, creepy rape society tangents from him, and whiny protagonist-centered morality from both. They came out of it hating each other's guts.
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# ? Mar 14, 2014 07:38 |
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That warms the cockles of my heart-like organ.
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# ? Mar 14, 2014 08:26 |
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Alopex posted:Mercedes Lackey and Piers Anthony went in on a book together in the early 90s. It had excessively florid romantic scenes from her, creepy rape society tangents from him, and whiny protagonist-centered morality from both. They came out of it hating each other's guts. And considering the rule of thumb with Mercedes Lackey: Books where she has collaborators tend to be far better then her solo works... this might turn out interesting.
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# ? Mar 14, 2014 08:29 |
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Robindaybird posted:And considering the rule of thumb with Mercedes Lackey: Books where she has collaborators tend to be far better then her solo works... this might turn out interesting. She has her faults but I don't think she's ever had any of her male leads plan to brutally beat, rape, and then murder a sixteen year old girl in loving detail, and Anthony's definitely the one responsible for alternately mentioning how silly and childish the heroine is in between descriptions of her giant breasts. The one point in his favor is that he's loving awful at writing conflict and likes to gloss over it whenever possible so at least he doesn't pour giant heaps of melodrama and angst over everything. (Un)fortunately, this is Lackey's specialty as a writer. You'd think they'd balance each other out on that front but boy oh boy do they ever not. In conclusion, If I Pay Thee Not In Gold is completely from start to finish. Read it if you're suffering from a spate of extreme masochism.
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# ? Mar 14, 2014 17:32 |
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Alopex posted:In conclusion, If I Pay Thee Not In Gold is completely from start to finish. Read it if you're suffering from a spate of extreme masochism. I'll give it this much - it was a lot more readable than these Xanth books are turning into. There were at least elements in there that could have been part of an interesting book, before it all turned into a confused mess. As it is, what I can remember of it comes out fairly disjointed.
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# ? Mar 14, 2014 18:49 |
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Thranguy posted:He did this again a couple times, but by now he has reached the point where even Xanth isn't big enough to justify buying any of the other books. He does have big truckloads of money and has purchased his own Vanity press to get around that for a couple of books, though. It's sort of funny how horrifyingly bad the covers of his new books are. They also seem to be all about either sex or (when he can) literally copy-pasting content from previous books or both. Amazon review A posted:It has way too much sex. In fact if I read more than a few pages without it I'd be shocked. Then there's vampires, King Arthur, Sir Gawain, a brothel, the love of her life is basically a carney, a relational database, Cain, Lilith, ghosts that have sex, traveling through time, Angel Gabriel, and a sex to the death match. No lie. Amazon review B posted:And I can't in good conscience let this review end without mentioning how abhorrent the sex in this book is. It's not lascivious. It's not sensual. It's not erotic. It's not romantic. It's not artistic. It's not emotionally charged. It's not well-rendered. It's not even efficient. It's the driest, lamest, LEAST sexy approach to mating that I have ever encountered in prose or elsewhere. Watching mange-ridden stray dogs going at it in an alley would be more exciting, poetic and meaningful. Amazon review C posted:All of this leads up to the ultimate test, where the Incarnations from one timeline agree to allow Nox to challenge her nemesis in a contest which will determine the ultimate fate of the universe. This test consists of seeing which combatant can rape the other according to a color code. Amazon review D posted:That said, the 8th volume seems to have limped into existence. Primarily obsessed with sex (no surprise from Piers, yet still more so than ever before), it essentially adds a tiny bit of detail and back story to the series while recapping the events, or at least the origins of the events, of the previous 7 books. Amazon review posted:If you are interested in reading about the sexual adventures of 9-year-old children, or even those as grown up as 13 years old, but are wary about venturing into the mysterious shops that specialize in those forms of literature, then this is the book for you. Cleaned up for mainstream publication, this magical adventure gives you an insightful look into the sex games of little kids, as well as an unnerving look into its author's mind. The Iron Maiden doesn't have a Poser art cover (yet), but it does have a halfhearted Photoshopped cover and lots of copy-pasting. Amazon review A posted:If you have read the other five books, you will not find anything much new here. It is just a word for word, cut and paste synopsis of the first five tales, with a few things about Spirit that you could have surmised anyway. Funny thing that the book cover shows a pretty white girl with blonde hair, apparently the cover artist has not bothered to crack the book. Amazon review B posted:No real new material except a continuation of the author's explorations of juvenile incest which made me delete the book. Not worth any money even for fans of the series; no additional insights or side stories explored rather an attempt to do a cut and paste job to create a summary from the previous book. Even as blatant at times to not fix the tense/pronouns. Amazon review C posted:Almost the entirety of this book is taken directly (not even paraphrased, just whole paragraphs and pages word for word) out of the first 5 books. After the first 3, this series gets very blah, but this one was the worst. Absolute waste of money and time. He's also put the awful Poser covers on reprints of old books. Roadie fucked around with this message at 18:46 on Mar 19, 2014 |
# ? Mar 19, 2014 18:42 |
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Haha those covers are the laziest things I've ever seen.
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# ? Mar 19, 2014 19:48 |
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Well cripes. How the might have fallen. Macroscape is the only decent looking cover because it's not trying to show a living creature.
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# ? Mar 19, 2014 19:50 |
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Chapter 5. Pia is our viewpoint, and quite happy with how the tangle tree business turned out. quote:Pia turned back to wave at the tangle tree, and it actually waved a tentacle back. So it could see and understand, as many creatures and things of Xanth seemed to be able to do. She rather liked that; it was a considerable contrast to Mundania's perversity of the inanimate. She also liked having her beautiful body back, though she knew she would revert to normal when she returned home. Now if only she could get rid of the diabetes, and stay rid of it in the real world. But of course such fancies were foolish. They head for the Isle of Talents in Para and talk about how the castle they saw the night before vanished. quote:"This perplexes me. Normally the dangers of Xanth are not subtle. If the phantasm wished you harm, it should have done it as soon as you were clear of the enchanted path. Why did it go to the considerable trouble of making a protected path of its own to bring you to an apparent castle?" Breanna hits on Justin some. quote:They passed a small creature, like a squirrel, with pearly gray fur. perched on a bright spot of stone, its little chin held high. "That's so cute," Pia said. "I wonder if it would let me stroke it." (Pun Count: 77) quote:Now she realized that the stone was actually ice. Just as well she hadn't touched the pretty creature. But they had already left it behind, and were coming up on another creature, that looked almost like a dog. But not quite. "What is that?" (Pun Count: 78) quote:Then they passed a region of balls. Some were bobbing up and down, while others were bashing back and forth "The vertical ones are bowling balls." Justin explained. "They are very courteous. The horizontal ones are not nice at all; they are sock-her balls." (Pun Count: 80) quote:Para Ducks was much faster than she and Edsel had been in the other boat, and soon they were at the isle. "Now how arc we going to handle this?" Pia asked. (Pun Count: 81) Edsel and Pia get out while Breanna forces Justin to grope her some more. Edsel gets the power to modify or deflect other talents, while Pia can speak things real, though she has no idea what that means. quote:"What am I going to do—speak of a mountain of chocolate?" A mound appeared before them. It was a small mountain of chocolate. She reached out and broke off a piece to taste. It was delicious. So that one's gone, now. She gets the power to put wings on anything. They decide to give that one up since they don't know if that means the thing can fly. (It does.) Finally, she gets the power to know if something is inimical, and keeps that one. They put the teller back on the pedestal and head back. quote:In due course they reached the rock. There was the boat a little way out. Justin and Breanna were sitting in it embracing. Actually she seemed to be sitting on his lap, and one of each of their hands was out of sight. "They ate making progress." Pia murmured. "For sure." he agreed, smiling. "That little girl could hold my hand anytime." "Oh?" Pia inquired dangerously. "Look, Pia—you said we should be dating out. Of course I wouldn't touch Breanna, because she belongs to Justin. But someone else—" He shrugged. He had a point. If they were going to divorce, they needed to be trying other relationships "Sorry. You're right. You can hold hands with someone else." "How about a nude nymph?" He was testing her. "If you can catch her, you can have her." She masked it. but he had succeeded in making her faintly uneasy. He had always been faithful to her, and it wasn't comfortable to give him leave to be otherwise.[/quote] They head off. quote:Breanna took it. "I love chocolate, especially black chocolate." She broke off a section. DID I MENTION SHE'S BLACK? They decide the chocolate counts as a meal. Because that's totally not a lovely meal. Pia tests out her talent on the nearby water, feeling a tingle just as a loan shark comes by to snap at her. (Pun Count: 82) They decide to hold off on Edsel's test. Justin suggests they find and explore the dark castle. quote:"The phantom who led the two of them astray did not try to hurt them. The path did not lead to a tangle tree or dragon's lair. This suggests that the intention was not necessarily inimical." They get some pizza off a pie tree and eat it. quote:They paused and took a harvest break and rest stop. Pia, looking for suitable bushes, discovered a low wall or ledge, just the right height for sitting on. So on her return she sat on it—and suddenly all the knowledge in the world seemed to flood into her head. Alarmed, she jumped up and ran back to join the others. "Something—something—" she gasped. (Pun Count: 83) quote:"A seat of learning," Edsel said. (Pun Count: 84) quote:Meanwhile. Breanna was exploring the other end of the wall "There's a window in it," she called "It—OUCH!" (Pun Count: 86) quote:The boat got on the path and turned toward the castle. Soon the structure loomed large. It was on the top of a low hill, with a tiled stone avenue leading up to it. "Got to be illusion." Breanna decided. "Nothing solid could disappear so quickly." (Pun Count: 87) quote:Breanna looked around. "There's a snooping dinomite," she said. "Test it on that." (Pun Count: 88) They head on, into the illusion castle. quote:"I see a thyme being," Justin said. "Perhaps it is just as well that it is illusion." (Pun Count: 90) They find a massive circular chamber underground, with steps leading into it. They decide to have two people remain behind - Edsel and Breanna head in, while Justin and Pia wait outside. Pia suggests the other way around, though, because of her talent, so they go for that instead. They explore and find an image of icy mountains. quote:She peered more closely. "There's something about this scene. I thought it was a painting, but it seems three dimensional. It must be a model rather than just paint. Like a museum exhibit." It is illusory. They keep exploring and find another scene, with the mountain snow melted away. Pia finds she likes Justin's archaic mannerisms. The third scene they find shows a forest. quote:"What are those?" she asked, pointing to several grossly fat-trunked growths. (Pun Count: 92) Sex? A-OK. Drinking? Terrible. quote:"Me neither." she said. Actually she had had her flings, back when she had really been sixteen. But it had complicated her diabetes, and she had learned better. "That goes double for boys, I won't go near one who's drinking, because he's sure to get ideas." They spot leprechauns among the trees. quote:"Maybe they are confined to this particular forest in Xanth. Their range is very limited in Mundania, too. To Ireland, I think." (Pun Count: 93) They head on, and find the forest in the next area has some ponds. The next one has more, linked into a large lake, with the water drowning out some trees. They find this is the last of the images, and the area is a big circuit. They aren't sure what the point was. They decide to check the middle of the circle. quote:"Right. No tunnels going anywhere. Just those illusion pictures." Then she had a bright idea—and was amazed to see a light bulb form and flash, about two feet before and above her face. (Pun Count: 94) They start poking around, but the inside of the illusions is opaque. Pia decides they should take off their clothes and tie them together as a rope, so Justin can pull her back if she falls into a pit or something. Pia insists that it's totally okay for Justin to see her naked, because she wants to show off. quote:"Sure she will." Maybe too well, but Pia did not find it necessary to say that. She pulled off her blouse and stood in her bra. Pia decides not to take her panties off, in case of trouble, but to hide them via the illusion. quote:"Okay, now let's tie them." Pia said. She suspected that though her bra was not freaking him out, it was having some effect, so he needed to be guided. It would probably be best not to lean forward. She rather liked this aspect of Xanth, now that she was working through it, it gave a woman control of a situation. she heads into the illusion, coming out the other side and stunning Justin again. They put their clothes back on and find a passage behind the illusion, to see the illusions from behind. They poke around some more, tell the others to keep waiting, and then start poking at the inner wall. No luck. Pia decides they have to check the ceiling, so she has to ride Justin's shoulders. Nothing up there, either. Justin goes temporarily deaf from the rustling of panties, though. Seriously. quote:Then she caught on: her panties were against his ears, or close enough so that he could hear their faint rustling. They had freaked out his hearing. They decide to check the illusions themselves, finding nothing in the first one but finding a tunnel in the next. quote:It was about head height on her. Justin boosted her up and she cradled into it. In a moment she was beyond the illusion, and saw that she was in a short tunnel leading gradually down. The sides of it glowed faintly, so she wasn't blind. "Give me a moment to get clear, then follow," she called back. She needed that moment, because she was on her hands and knees, and he would freak out if she didn't get her panties out of sight first. They head through the tunnel, finding it widens out to an inner passage. quote:They came to a large chamber, whose ceiling was supported by a number of thick columns. The columns were square, rather than round. The chamber seemed to be curved: in fact it was like the two passages, circling around a huge central pillar. This was the true center of the establishment. (Pun Count: 96) quote:"A very large, very special tree. In fact, I believe this is the Coventree." (Pun Count: 97) quote:"It is largely isolated from the regular forests, but has remarkable properties. I know of it only by reputation, but believe the identification is secure. This would be its root system." Pia realizes it's Justin the tree wanted. Now they have to figure out why, since the tree can't talk. They decide the castle is a riddle, since that's the only way the tree can talk to them. quote:"That's just to mark the place, so we couldn't miss it. I thought that was obvious all along. But the pictures—it didn't want us to get beyond them until we had truly figured them out. I think the pictures are the message." She remembered how their Companions software, back in Mundania, wouldn't let folk see the Pia guide without clothing until they had demonstrated mastery over the subject matter. This could be similar, in vegetable fashion. Pia has a sudden burst of feeling. quote:Something shifted inside her, and the chamber seemed to change color. "Do you know. Justin. all my life I've been a selfish brat, and it's never made me happy. Now, suddenly, I see a way to do something unselfish. I want to save those trees." Pia is suddenly an environmental crusader, and will not take no for an answer. quote:He nodded. "In that case, I feel free to say that I am very much in accord. The thought of trees suffering unnecessarily is intolerable to me, and I wish to do all that I can to alleviate their distress." Pia decides to also get Justin to be more open to sex with Breanna. quote:Pia, flush with the joy of her decision to do something truly decent for a change, realized that there was a bit more she could do. "Justin, things have changed in the last century, in Xanth as well as Mundania. Okay, so maybe the Adult Conspiracy stops you from going all the way Yet. But there is an in-between stage, and you should pass through it before the Conspiracy ends. So you're not caught flat fooled, as it were, when the time comes. I mean, you don't climb a mountain in one giant step, do you1? You do it in easy stages." Pia tells Justin to French kiss Breanna and squeeze her rear end, using her own body to demonstrate. quote:He did not quite freak out, but it was a close call. She put his limp hand back by his side and stepped away from him. Then she led him back toward the entrance. They had work to do. Pun Count: 97 by the end of Chapter 5.
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# ? Mar 26, 2014 19:18 |
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Piers wrote that the single black character belongs to a white male character. He wrote that.
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# ? Mar 27, 2014 00:20 |
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Oh christ, he did! I overlooked that tanks to 'deafness by panties'
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# ? Mar 27, 2014 00:27 |
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And apparently the reverse doesn't apply because Pia doesn't seem to have any moral problems with vamping all over Breanna's boyfriend. Because only women and/or black people can be property, I guess?
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# ? Mar 27, 2014 15:36 |
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Alopex posted:And apparently the reverse doesn't apply because Pia doesn't seem to have any moral problems with vamping all over Breanna's boyfriend. Because only women and/or black people can be property, I guess? No, it's different, see, because she's not doing it for fun, she's doing it to show him how to be a better boyfriend for Breanna. It's educational vamping.
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# ? Mar 27, 2014 16:05 |
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Chapter 6. Back to Chlorine. Nimby and Chlorine get dressed and head downstairs. quote:"Now we need to show you how to ride the Lemon," Dug said. "But first, maybe we'd better tackle the Modemode." (Pun Count: 101) quote:"Yes," Dug said. "Mdmd://mmm.inm.o-xone.breanna That's where we found you. Now we need to be sure you know the way back, because if you should ever be in trouble, that's your escape route. You can reach it from any modem, not just this one. So you can travel anywhere in Mundania, and switch back when you have to; no need to do it from this site. But the mesh is fun in its own right, and you might as well enjoy it. So we figure to take you in for the check-in, then give you a small tour of the Modemode." (Pun Count: 102?) quote:They went in. Chlorine sat in Pia's seat, and Nimby in Edsel's, with Kim and Dug standing behind them for guidance. Chlorine followed the labyrinth, picking out the letters on the keyboard, invoking the modem spell, which was associated with something called a browser and a provider, then M D M D : // and on. She had to give Pia's identity, and Pia's password, "insulin," before being granted admission. When she got to the magic mesh, there she was in the familiar hall, and there was Nimby with her. (Pun Count: 104) quote:"Inline?" (Pun Count: 106) A chatroom. quote:Kim guided her to "lumber on" to a GigaGrid Alternating Babble, or GAB. where the gabbing occurred. They went to GABfest and merged. (Pun Count: 107) quote:She had to assume a persona, and decided on "Poison." because of her magic talent of poisoning water. The interaction was in the form of words on the screen. Kim had to reach in and type for her, because she could not do it fast enough. (Pun Count: 109) quote:"Never mind!" Kim said urgently. "Break off this dialogue." A new name appeared: Moon Shine. Hi, Poison. I make women look better in the full moon. Is this creep bothering you? (Pun Count: 110) quote:"’Fertilizer’ isn't exactly the word he typed." Kim said. "The babble box automatically translates any objectionable terms," No, this is interesting, Chlorine replied. How about going priv for modering? Gus inquired. (Pun Count: 111) quote:"Modem what?" Dug takes Nimby to the garage to learn how to drive the Lemon. They ride off, then come back. Chlorine rides behind Nimby as he drives now, and enjoys her ride, then returns. quote:"There's one other thing you should know about on the Mesh." Kim said "Xanth is there." (Pun Count: 112) quote:Dug stepped in. "Think of it this way: Xanth natives have the infinite privilege of actually living in Xanth. Mundanes are stuck forever in drear Mundania. This is one of the few ways they can relate, to get at least the trace of a notion what it might be like to be among the blessed. Can you begrudge them that faint fond illusion?" (Pun Count: 113) quote:Dug laughed. "Salmonella! That will surely do. She must he a real pain in the—" (Pun Count: 114) I guess Piers Anthony was into MUDs. quote:"A what?" (Pun Count: 117) quote:"I'll take you." Dug took over the keyboard. "I'll use Fishnet on the Tux account, first I have to lumber on by giving my operator name: DM5555. Then my password 5>4%'3V2; 1^- Then when I get to the prompt line. I type the address: Iishnet2.aa.vvhatname oo 7734. That brings me to the computer where the GOO is, in this case Origin." (Pun Count: 118) quote:"Just remcmber," Kim said warningly, "You don't know what my mergirl character is doing with men who like wet bare bosoms, while you're making time with feebleminded nymphs." They ask Kim what happened to her dog, Bubbles. quote:n Xanth the first time I was there, in the Companions game, and adopted her. But she was old, and continued to age in Mundania. and I knew she would die. So I did what I had to do, and made an arrangement for her to return to Xanth, to be with Anathe Ma." (Pun Count: 119) I guess Piers also forgot that Anathe got made beautiful by the magic ogress. Nimby also telepathically tells Chlorine that Kim and Dug want kids but are barren. quote:Nimby touched her hand, and then she understood. They wanted to have a child, but somehow their signals to the stork had been ignored, and there was a growing fear that something was wrong in that respect. Ironically, there was no question about Pia's fertility, but Pia did not want children. So Dug and Kim pretended that it was simply their business with the software business that held them back. Dug also mentions that he wants to know the real reason Nimby came to Mundania, since he knows that Demons don't have human curiosity or care about territory really. It must be part of a contest. quote:Nimby reached across and touched her hand. Then she had it straight. "You are correct there is more Nimby did not want to burden you with details of Demon interaction, but since you ask, he will. Yes, there is another Demon bet, and that is that Nimby can't enter Mundania and remain three days without being discovered and caught. He has one year to make the attempt or lose by default. If he is discovered, there will be complications. Since the Demon Earth is watching the normal connections between their two regions. Nimby used a special one, the O-Xone. He is also using a Mundane body, further masking his presence." Kim asks why Nimby and Chlorine wander around doing random favors. quote:Chlorine smiled. "I can answer that without consulting with him. Nimby is trying to learn about all the things he never paid attention to before, and he feels that mixing with ordinary folk is the best way. They think we're just Damsel & Dragon, and that's fine, because then they don't come asking special favors. By studying the problems of folk with little or no power, we learn a lot about human feeling and hope and grief. So that if Nimby ever wishes to go among people alone, without me as a buffer, he will be able to do so without making mistakes." (Pun Count: 120) quote:"As long as Rusty's not gay," Kim said. (Pun Count: 121) Yeah. quote:Dug and Kim exchanged a glance. "That should do it," Dug agreed. (Pun Count: 122) quote:The three others glanced at Nimby, but he still didn't react. So Chlorine tried one more. "Maybe that sixteen year old Mundane boy we saw in the region of madness What was his name—Brandon Risner. He seemed nice." She addressed Dug and Kim. "Weird things are found at the fringes of the region of Madness. We were doing a reconnaissance, looking for a tailgator—they have fierce teeth in their tails—and we boarded a scholar ship. Each passenger had to submit a written essay, which meant that only educated folk could use it. but it was fun." (Pun Count: 124) quote:"I’d like to sail on that ship." Dug said. (Pun Count: 125) quote:"He'd like that ship too well," Kim muttered. (Pun Count: 129) quote:"Wait, I think I missed one," Kim said. "I got asphalt, and chestnut. but what's toad lily?" Pun Count: 129 by the end of Chapter 6.
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# ? Apr 2, 2014 22:55 |
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# ? Jun 8, 2024 08:17 |
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a long boring diabtre on MU* and of course everyone's okay with the straight jacket. It's amazing how loving bland his writing is when it isn't drowning you in creep
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# ? Apr 2, 2014 23:04 |