zaurg posted:

Not starting a new thread. No point. I'm bad with money. A quick recap/update:

- Bought condo in 2003 for +100k
- Married in 2007 and spent way too much on wedding
- Wife racked up insane amount of student loan debt to get a meaningless degree at Devry, will be paying off those loans for 15+ years.
- Had 2 kids
- Bought house in 2013 for +250k
- Renting out the underwater condo barely trying to break even. Filed 2013 tax return with a loss for the condo.
- At one point credit card balances was zero and emergency fund was near 10k. Now credit cards are up to about 1k and emergency fund + savings is only at about 3k. At least I'm throwing cash at 401k.
This is my life. I don't even know the balances because I don't check the finances at all any more... I might take a peak every couple months. Let the wife handle that. She likes to spend money. First year in house we bought a ton of new furniture and recently upgraded all windows because it was a great deal at 8k (home depot quoted 22k, another company quoted 18k) so 8k was a great deal and we had to do it. Now next goal is to update guest/kids bathroom before the end of the year, estimated cost 5k. Wife and I agreed to wait to do it until we had 5k in cash saved up and the emergency fund was at 5k, so that's something.


Don't do what zaurg does I guess is the point. Save your average income money for 5-10 years, then you can do stuff you want to do because the cash is on hand and you won't be going into further debt or something.

Nocheez posted:

God drat, Zaurg. I really was hoping that you would have gotten your wife on the same page and been able to turn your life around. You have my condolences, but it looks like a bankruptcy, divorce, or both are in your future.

zaurg posted:

- At one point credit card balances was zero and emergency fund was near 10k. Now credit cards are up to about 1k and emergency fund + savings is only at about 3k. At least I'm throwing cash at 401k.
This is my life. I don't even know the balances because I don't check the finances at all any more... I might take a peak every couple months. Let the wife handle that. She likes to spend money. First year in house we bought a ton of new furniture and recently upgraded all windows because it was a great deal at 8k (home depot quoted 22k, another company quoted 18k) so 8k was a great deal and we had to do it. Now next goal is to update guest/kids bathroom before the end of the year, estimated cost 5k. Wife and I agreed to wait to do it until we had 5k in cash saved up and the emergency fund was at 5k, so that's something.


Don't do what zaurg does I guess is the point. Save your average income money for 5-10 years, then you can do stuff you want to do because the cash is on hand and you won't be going into further debt or something.

Your Dead Gay Son posted:

I can't believe a breathing adult with kids wouldn't do more than "take a peek" at his finances every once in a while. Good god.

Sudden Infant Def Syndrome posted:

Barring something happening where I'd need to pull from savings, I do the same.

I have everything set to auto withdraw from my chequing account, and budget everything pretty well. I just check here and there to make sure that the account is where abouts it should be.

tuyop posted:

Do you still have a pool table?

Sudden Infant Def Syndrome posted:

Barring something happening where I'd need to pull from savings, I do the same.

I have everything set to auto withdraw from my chequing account, and budget everything pretty well. I just check here and there to make sure that the account is where abouts it should be.

Your Dead Gay Son posted:

I can't believe a breathing adult with kids wouldn't do more than "take a peek" at his finances every once in a while. Good god.

zaurg posted:

Veskit posted:

What about that pool table though.

quote:

My SO is terrible with money. This is as much as I can say.

He comfortably makes about $1000 on a weekly basis, but he is absolutely disgusting with money. I bring in less than $1000 on a biweekly basis, and I have more money and savings than him.

My SO and I live in with my mother and her boyfriend. My mom lives in a big house that costs near $2000 monthly to upkeep. After my siblings moved out, she let us move in with her so that we could both save money (me because of school). As her daughter, I'm not charged rent, and she doesn't expect much from my SO either, she's happy receiving $200-300 monthly from him to help with house bills.

His only bills being his car and his cellphone, we both expected him to be saving up money comfortably considering how much he makes.

As a matter of fact, my SO has ZERO savings. To give perspective, 6 months ago he told me he owed $5000 on his credit cards and he was working on paying it off, promising to pay it off over the next 2-3 months. Last week, I asked if he still owed money, and he told me he owed over $4000. I asked why that wasnt his priority as interest was running up his rear end, and it turns out he's only putting $200ish monthly into his credit card bill instead of just paying it off as he goes or making that his priority.

He was out of work during the holidays for the full month of December, and he was a nightmare to live with because he was majorly worried about no income. We both knew he was going to unemployed during the holidays months in advance, but he refused to save for it, and when the time came down to it he expected me to pay for everything because he had no form of income.



I make way less, and I still have thousands of dollars in savings. I still indulge generously on myself, but I still have money to set aside. I have only paid interest on my credit card once, and that was only because I went over the due date by accident (I pay off my balance in full every month).

Everytime I've offered to help with his bills, or let me see his bank account statements and see just the gently caress he's blowing his money on so we can budget his money accordingly and save properly, he flips his poo poo on me. He says I'm trying to be his mother, and that finances is something you keep separate from your partner. He claims as long as he has enough to pay the bills, whatever else he does with his money is his own business.

I point out at the moment he doesn't have many bills, and if the day were to come that we get married and want a house, I would want access to finances. He claims that when the time comes, he'll "grow up" and be responsible, but that it's none of my business.

He gets EXTREMELY defensive and it's caused some major arguments between us, because he thinks I'm trying to take control over him. He won't even tell me what he spends so much on, and I get a feeling he's extremely defensive because he KNOWS how bad he is, and knows I am going to be shocked and give him poo poo.

I'm just trying to build towards our future because he keeps talking about marriage and being together for the long run, but this is a serious issue with me because I'm so much more careful with money.

I've asked for access to his banking not to control him, but to give him a second opinion and stop him when he thinks about spending over $300 on a single night out. Am I in the wrong for this?

If it was anyone else, I'd let them do whatever they want and burn through their bank account at their will, but I don't feel as good letting it happen to someone I plan to build my life around.

Thanks in advance.

quote:

First off, I'd like to thank everyone who gave me the perspective that this CAN be a huge dealbreaker, and I should no longer sit on the side with my legs crossed and just wait patiently for him to figure his stuff out, and let him keep me out.

I sat down my SO after making the post, and I told him how serious I was about the money issues and him shutting me down. I told him if we wanted to build a future together, he needed to let me into his finances, because I could no longer sit and wait and blindly have faith in him when he had zero actions to back up he could be trusted with money. He originally turned very defensive and tried to avoid the conversation, but after I made it clear I was 100% about leaving him if this didn't change, he realized how grave this whole thing really was, and I think the thought of losing me made him freak out and realize how important it was.

After a bit of bickering back and forth, I asked that he let me guide his finances and help him save money. He was hesitant, but with his history, I believed I'd be the right person for the job. He had told me he was only a few grand in debt, and with his income, I figured it wouldn't take much guidance from my part to get his stuff sorted out.

He caved in and finally agreed to give me his credit card statements, but tried to get me to promise I would leave the past in the past and not criticize him for it. I promised I'd try my best, but honestly... once I saw the statements... to put it bluntly, I flipped my poo poo.

After telling me he only owed $4000 on a credit card, it turns out it's actually much worse than that. He's been taking out cash advances constantly, his bills haven't been going through and have been bouncing due to his lack of funds (which means he's getting charged ridiculously by the bank on bouncing fees), and he owes at least a month's worth of his car payments that havent been able to go through.

When he told me he owed $4000 on a credit card, he omitted the fact of it being only ONE of his credit cards, and he actually took out another one behind my back (with an even higher interest rate!), and the cash advances on that one have been ridiculous, and the balance on that one is $3000 at the moment.

His debit account is overdrawn, and anytime he gets paid, the companies he goes to for the cash advances immediately take all of his pay, most of the time leaving him in the red and into overdraft.

I guess as a TL;DR to all the above, it is a big loving mess. So when I say I flipped my poo poo, I mean, I REALLY flipped my poo poo. I was hoping to keep my cool and leave the past in the past and help him forward in the future, but the realization of how much he'd been lying to me and how much grief he gave me over my offering my help (see previous thread), saying he was okay and I was meddling into his business, and making me feel like I was the bad person, REALLY REALLY made me angry.

I cried, I yelled, I went through his statements in tears and drilled him into why the gently caress he felt it necessary to spend so much on whatever, and I was overall hysterical. He actually ended up upset at me, saying I was holding his errors against him, and wasn't helping him as much as making him feel like poo poo. I admit, I probably spent too much time dwelling on about how he made me feel like poo poo in the past and like I was wrong, but it was so hard to not be mad and let him know it. In a way, I thought to myself he deserved my being mad and raging at him.

In a fit of rage later, I ended up venting and telling everything to my mom (despite him asking me not to), and that kind of ended up with him getting kicked out of our house. As we speak, he's currently temporarily crashing at his best friend's house in what he hopes is a temporary arrangement.

It has been a week now, and we have set down some very strict guidelines in that now I'm 100% in charge of his cash flow, and he has to run through purchases through me first, and if he ever THINKS about taking out a cash advance again, I am going to be rightfully very mad at him. I've gathered a payment plan of sorts that should help him be rid of his debt within the next few months (he does earn enough to be able to get out quickly), and to give him some credit, he has been good to his word so far. I give him a budget for his daily costs and he sticks to it, sometimes spending even less than his budget.

I agreed to try to move on, but everytime I think about his lying to me, I get really really angry. To the point I can't even stand talking to him because all I want to do is hurl abuse at him. I'm glad I don't have to see his face daily anymore since he's no longer staying with me, because I'm sure I wouldn't be able to control myself.

I know there is no magical answer, but I feel like I've been hurting myself this whole past week more than anything. Honestly, the thought of it makes my blood boil, and I feel like I'm dwelling on the past. I think about how much money he could have saved if this had been sorted earlier, I feel stupid for not having put my foot down earlier and instead sat around and waited for him with my fingers crossed, and of course I am angry to him for giving me such a hard time about it and making me feel like I was the bad person.

He has claimed it has been really hard to confide in me, and he only did it because he loves me and wants to stay with me, and the reason he ever got defensive was because (as I guessed) he knew he was bad and didn't want other people to know.

I know he feels bad, but I can't let go of these angry feelings and should haves. I'm just as desperate to stop dwelling so much on this.
Thank you in advance to everyone.

tl;dr: I threatened SO with breakup if he didn't fix his finances, and he caved in and passed over control to me. I found out he's been lying about how much he owes, and is actually over twice as much in debt as he originally said he was, and has only been managing to pay (some) of his bills through cash advances from his credit cards and companies that do payday loans. I flipped out on him as I was very angry, and although he's completely given control over to me now, I'm still extremely upset at him and just can not forgive him and find myself dwelling on his mistakes and getting mad at them constantly. I just want to move forward and sort this out, but my feelings are holding me down.

HelloIAmYourHeart posted:

From Reddit's relationships subreddit: "Is it intrusive that I [F23] want some control over my SO of 3 year's [M26] finances? Is this considered a dealbreaker?"


11 days later: Update


This relationship is over.

Zo posted:

1000 a week take home is far from extravagant and you can easily blow a large chunk of it just eating out and going out for the weekend. Nowhere near boats and hookers territory.

Jeffrey posted:

4k without paying rent is pretty high, I definitely want to know what that was going to. It might not be hookers but it could be a modest cocaine habit or something.

Nail Rat posted:

Of course you can, but you can also save a lot of it if you budget especially with no house bills. I'm not sure what you're saying or arguing with.

gigawhite posted:

I love how this "don't snoop" craze has expanded to encompass just about everything in a relationship. When shady poo poo is obviously going on, it's time to loving snoop. The guy has been lying to her for years and deserved what he got, no matter how badly she might have reacted to the situation.

tuyop posted:

She reacted terribly. Like, way to be a child about your relationship and prove that guy totally right.

But yeah, her level of contempt and excitement about this whole thing makes their coming breakup pretty obvious.

Zo posted:

Because some guy was making it out to be an unimaginable amount of money, which it's not.

Not a Children posted:

edit: Read the second thread, half of the responses are lambasting her for going to her mom and having him kicked out. Reddit is a weird fuckin' place

Nail Rat posted:

On reddit? Because I don't see that here. All anyone said was it'd be easy to knock that debt out very fast with a budget - which is of course the big caveat.

Not a Children posted:

Good read, but she did leave out a lot of the juicy deets, like what he was spending over $1k a week of takehome pay on. Christ, if I made that much I wouldn't even know what to do with it all.

gigawhite posted:

I love how this "don't snoop" craze has expanded to encompass just about everything in a relationship. When shady poo poo is obviously going on, it's time to loving snoop. The guy has been lying to her for years and deserved what he got, no matter how badly she might have reacted to the situation.

dreesemonkey posted:

$1000/week takehome is probably in the $60-70k range. I bring home ~$1600 every two weeks with minimal withholdings and make ~$55k.

I'm a bit annoyed she never said what the money was being spent on, I'm guessing gambling. If it was something material she should have been able to figure it out by now (clothes, gadgets, etc)

Dwight Eisenhower posted:

Snooping implies the subject of observation doesn't know they're being observed, while the poster was making it very explicit what she wanted to see and that she was going to be looking at it.

Her reaction was emotional to the point of harmful for their relationship, but he already did way more damage with persistent lying while getting a huge financial boon in low rent residence.

If she's lucky she won't forgive him.