shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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silencekit: May 1, 2014

Inspector_666 posted:

Fantasy writers love this and it never gets less horrible.

That's not just a trying-to-learn-English thing? That's a deliberate stylistic choice that this guy made?

# ? May 22, 2014 18:34

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# ? May 20, 2024 20:35

rodbeard: Jul 21, 2005

I like how he allegedly met some girl through IRC yet the fact that she has no access to IRC becomes important later.

# ? May 22, 2014 18:40

oldpainless: Oct 30, 2009; This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
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I like to imagine the guy in the foreign country who came on the 15-year-old girl is the same person in the first-grade classroom. Like, there's this dude who, despite his best efforts, just cannot stop inadvertently exposing his junk to young children.

But if you're staying somewhere and the family tells you to sleep with their 15-year-old daughter, loving sleep on the floor you goddam idiot.

# ? May 22, 2014 18:44

empty whippet box: Jun 9, 2004; by Fluffdaddy

oldpainless posted:

I like to imagine the guy in the foreign country who came on the 15-year-old girl is the same person in the first-grade classroom. Like, there's this dude who, despite his best efforts, just cannot stop inadvertently exposing his junk to young children.

But if you're staying somewhere and the family tells you to sleep with their 15-year-old daughter, loving sleep on the floor you goddam idiot.

I don't want to offend them! *cums all over daughter, touches 15 year old girl's vagina, sniffs fingers*

# ? May 22, 2014 20:02

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

silencekit posted:

That's not just a trying-to-learn-English thing? That's a deliberate stylistic choice that this guy made?

Yeah that's a French speaker speaking English type of mistake, "sexe" in French can be used to refer to the organ.

Not extremely common, but we use it a lot in health class IIRC.

# ? May 22, 2014 20:21

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

quote:

The mother then went to check that her daughter was still a virgin. The father, still saying nothing, also checked when the mother called him, then the brother, then Maria-Teresa.

This reads like the father checked them all. "By god this gringo has hosed someone in here!"

# ? May 22, 2014 20:28

silencekit: May 1, 2014

reddit posted:

Setting: Upscale bar area in ritzy side of town.

Me: Drunk, alone.

My background: Late 20's, 6'1, loves to fight, been in over 100 street fights, former wrestler, benches 225, not much to look at though, I certainly don't look tough. That said, I've been in enough fights to know that I want to hit first and I know that I want to do what it takes to win and then I know that I want to get the gently caress out of there as quickly as I can. Scene: I walk into a bar, order a drink. Bar is busy, its nearing closing time. I walk towards the back exit to leave.

I witness a large, 6'3", muscular man who has an acquaintance cornered. Said acquaintance is apologizing profusely. I have no context at this point. But large man goes on and on after said acquaintance apologizes. This annoys me because the acquaintance is all of 5 foot fat, completely worthless in a physical conflict.

I overhear the phrase "Not so funny when your friends aren't here."

This upsets me. Acquaintance has always nice to me at parties all through college, plus I think a friend or three of mine banged his sister. I'm drunk. In the mood for a fight. So I watch this play out. I know acquaintance is not getting hit more than once.

Guy standing next to me watches this. I drunkenly lean over and say "I'm gonna hit that guy in his face."

Eventually, these two guys, apparently neither is willing to hit the other so eventually the bouncers come up and break it up.

Kid looks at me and asks what the gently caress I'm looking at....

AND IM GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR THIS PART IN ADVANCE, BUT MY GOAL WAS TO GET HIM TO CONSENT TO MUTUAL COMBAT TO AVOID ARREST IF POSSIBLE. THIS PART DID FURTHER MY GOALS AND IN NO WAY DID I ACTUALLY THINK HE WAS WHAT I CALLED HIM OR I WOULD'VE GONE WITH A DIFFERENT WORD.

Anyway, he says, "What the gently caress are you looking at."

My opening. This is what I'd been watching for and hoping for....

My dim witted reply: "I think you're a human being." (sorry, I told you that you wouldn't like it)

But it accomplishes my exact goal. He says "Want to go outside"

Without missing a beat, I say "YUP!"

He goes outside, I hold back for a second. I see that bouncer who broke it up. I look at him and say "You cool with me doing this"

That guy looked at me like I was loving nuts. I was hammered, 2 inches shorter and this guy had big muscles and I have a beer gut.

He said "Yea whatever"

That was all I needed, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to get hosed up by the bouncers. I created my out with that question. Im in the ritzy part of town, I know I'll need it.
Anyway, after that I go outside, jack him in the jaw, he falls, I tackle him, put my knees on his shoulers and just start teeing off. Pretty sure I broke my hand on the concrete ( I was drunk, I missed at least once)

Bouncer pulls me off. Other bouncer covers the guy on the ground.

I'm completely calm. No point in fighting a bouncer.

Heres where I turn into James Bond. I turn my head, bouncer who I had spoken with earlier is holding me, I'm just relaxed. Not fighting him. He senses that I'm not a threat. I turn my head, say "Hey, I'm going to jump in that cab and get the gently caress out of here"

He pauses, thinks about it, lets me go, I jump in the cab. Go to the cabbie GOGOGO. He starts driving, windows down.

I hear big muscular guy on the ground, still held down yelling "IM GOING TO loving KILL YOU GAHHHH" - Literally foaming at the mouth still. He might've had a chance if I let him hit first, but I'm not going outside to talk poo poo. I'm too old for that poo poo. I lol the whole way home.

The entire Reddit thread on confronting bullies is exactly the goldmine of poo poo that didn't happen that I figured it would be, but this one is really something special.

# ? May 22, 2014 20:56

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

poo poo that did happen: the writer probably does believe that bashing the poo poo out of someone at a bar is totally legal if you have "mutual consent."

# ? May 22, 2014 21:03

Atmus: Mar 8, 2002

ibntumart posted:

poo poo that did happen: the writer probably does believe that bashing the poo poo out of someone at a bar is totally legal if you have "mutual consent."

Well Washington does (or did) have that thing about mutually accepted duels. Not that this story followed any of the requirements, or even took place in Washington.

# ? May 22, 2014 21:09

silencekit: May 1, 2014

oooh oooh let's turn the thread into a "stand your ground" discussion!

# ? May 22, 2014 21:10

The Shame Boy: Jan 27, 2014; Dead weight, just like this post.

silencekit posted:

oooh oooh let's turn the thread into a "stand your ground" discussion!

i thought stand your ground was for essentially using lethal force to defend yourself? The dude just wanted an excuse to get into a fight, gets what he wants then runs away.

Assuming any of it happened in the first place of course, which it didn't.

# ? May 22, 2014 21:14

Atmus: Mar 8, 2002

HOOLY BOOLY posted:

i thought stand your ground was for essentially using lethal force to defend yourself? The dude just wanted an excuse to get into a fight, gets what he wants then runs away.

Assuming any of it happened in the first place of course, which it didn't.

Stand Your Ground just means you have no legal duty to try to escape.

The fake guy in the fake story Followed and Ran, so that's pretty much the opposite in all respects.

# ? May 22, 2014 21:17

silencekit: May 1, 2014

He compares himself to James Bond a couple of times, and then he doesn't do anything remotely James Bond-like.

# ? May 22, 2014 21:22

Atmus: Mar 8, 2002

I'm sure James Bond has done things like 'existed in a bar', 'fought some guy', and 'Left before the cops came'. He's totally Bond.

# ? May 22, 2014 21:25

54 40 or fuck: Jan 4, 2012; No Yanda's allowed

His idea of James Bond was "getting in a taxi and leaving", a true Bond indeed.

# ? May 22, 2014 21:51

The Shame Boy: Jan 27, 2014; Dead weight, just like this post.

Maybe he meant more like novel James Bond that was essentially just a regular dude that was kind of a jerk that knew how to behave himself socially.

# ? May 22, 2014 21:52

HebrewMagic: Jul 19, 2012; Police Assault In Progress

Atmus posted:

I'm sure James Bond has done things like 'existed in a bar', 'fought some guy', and 'Left before the cops came'. He's totally Bond.

If he's so Bond-like why hasn't he gotten laid?

# ? May 22, 2014 22:11

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

silencekit posted:

oooh oooh let's turn the thread into a "stand your ground" discussion!

By all that is holy, let's please not! Instead, have some more content.

Worst Sue Reed fanfic ever posted:

Background:
Be Pseudonym, PS for short. 27 years of living with moderate NParents.
Never be Momzilla, 58 years of raising 5 kids while being encouraged into being an NMom by my NDad.
Be MrFantastic, the man who loves me through thick and thin, and helps me build healthy boundaries between myself and NFamily members.

A little background on Momzilla's own wedding. Her parents loved her very much and despite my grandpa working his entire life as a mechanic, and my grandmother surviving polio during the great depression and a brain tumor later in life, my grandparents gave every penny they had for my mom's wedding. My grandmother made the most beautiful lace dress and veil for my mother, exactly to the specs and style that my mother wanted. (I didn't wear it b/c genetics!, jk seriously, my mom weighed 110lbs at 5'6'' before she had 5 kids and started drinking wine every day)

In my mom's eyes, she got her perfect wedding, at least, that's what she always told me!

MrFantastic, after waiting for my younger brother to get married (doesn't want to steal lil bro's thunder/spotlight) proposes!

Momzilla is ecstatic! She loves MrFantastic so much! Oh wait, she's happy for me because he's white and blue eyes run in his family. WAT.JPG _{editor's note: there's no associated picture, the author really does just write this stupidly}

Momzilla: Oh PS, I'm so glad you finally found someone that fits you. Not like ex-boyfriend (half hispanic, with hazel eyes), he just wasn't right for you seeing as how he couldn't contribute to your heritage.

PS: Heritage? What heritage?

Momzilla: You know! White skin and blue eyes are becoming more rare with the "mixing of the races." You have a responsibility to preserve your race. Pretty soon everyone will just look...said with disgust mulatto.

I'd had a couple drinks by this point and tend to blurt whatever I'm thinking.

PS: OK HITLER, guess I'll have to go get you a KKK membership form tomorrow, since it sounds like you'd do great with them. Tell me more of this "responsibility?"

I don't actually want to hear what she says, so I keep interrupting her by doing the Nazi salute each time she tries to tell me her viewpoint. She ends up pissed at me but forgets about it by the next day, because ALCOHOL, and she eventually started laughing because laughter is contagious and I couldn't stop.

Neckbeard Man vs. the C_ntsquad! posted:

Back in my high school days, I was the typical budding introverted male computer geek. I was quiet, kept to myself, pretty much the stereotypical chess nerd who loved to read books and play video games. I had my share of bully stories and random kids that picked on me but one particular uppity bitch had it in for me. Let�s call her Valerie Snootybitch for the sake of this story. I was in her scopes nearly every day for the 4 years I attended high school. Val and her c_ntsquad group of friends would torment me ruthlessly to the point I attempted suicide at a particular low point in my life. The constant name calling, the snide remarks, questioning of my sexuality, the bullying never stopped even with administration intervention. High school wasn�t particularly bad for me, but it was Val who made my life a literal living Hell. I was powerless because she was the queen bitch and I had at least one class with her every semester.

High school ends and I get my college degree. My career takes off and I advance several times. Sadly, my company hits hard times and I'm laid off along with most of my staff. Months turn into nearly a year as I�m waiting for my next job but my emergency nest egg is getting low. In order to support myself, I take up an old part-time tech job working for my former employer. He was glad to have me back and I got to pick up some extra cash doing in-home tech work on the side while I continued the job search.

My boss gets a call from a long time client and sends me out to handle it. It�s pretty cut-n-dry on paper but after checking the name, it dawns on me that this client is the father of Valarie Snootybitch. I instantly have horrible flashbacks of all the torture I went through in HS. Realizing I�m not the same wimpy geek in HS, I swallow my hateful pride to knock on the door. Father Snootybitch greets me warmly and we briefly converse with idle chit-chat. I don't let him on that I knew his c_nt of a daughter nor that she was the bane of my existence in my HS days. I do find out that his daughter is temporarily staying back at Papa�s home as she is out traveling the country for work. He had divorced from Mama Snootybitch who took half his savings account over an unnamed incident that led me to believe she cheated on him. Clue #1: Figured out where Val got her c_ntiness from.

We get down to business and he explains his computer problem(s). The main issue being that the Dinosaur of a PC is practically a relic of state-of-the-art fossil fuel by modern day comparisons. I quickly demise no amount of software repair and malware removal is going to fix the speed problem he's facing. It takes a whopping 20 minutes to boot into the log in screen and I ball my fist into a tight ball when I see "Val Snootybitch"'s name as the secondary accounts on the Windows Login screen. Shrugging it off, I recommend to Papa that getting a new computer rather than spending the hours it will take trying to get it back up to merely poor standards. He agrees and wants ME to go with him the store and pick one up� that day! I�m conflicted as this is the father of Rosemary�s Baby but it�s obviously not entirely his fault his daughter is the bitch from hell... so I say "what the hell" and agree. I call my boss and he's ok with me doing some consulting work over the PC repair he originally sent me on. I'm off the clock on by my bosses standards and it�s off to XYZ Computer store.

We are shooting the breeze at what he does for a living but mostly it�s about how he is proud that his daughter is an entrepreneur for some startup company on the web and how she is constantly traveling the state and country. I'm controlling my gag reflex from the puffy clouds and sparkly rainbows his daughter excretes. How can he talk about the very same person that would knock my lunch into the ground and then �accidently� step on it while looking at me in the eye and mock �I�m sooooo sorry!� We get to the store and I find out through conversing with him and the sales associate that his computer we are replacing is actually Val's old college computer that he recently commandeered while she was away. Food for thought...

Enough technical jargon to sink a battleship and 3 hours later: Father Snootybitch is the proud owner of a new top-of-the-line computer and wireless network system. I install the new PC, get it up and running along with the new printer, Wifi, multiple accounts setup along with windows remote access in case he needs my boss to log in for basic help (standard procedure). I move onto installing the old Harddrive for the data transfer and Father Snootybitch has long since vacated the room to go watch TV elsewhere. My loath and disgust resurfaces as my eyes wandered across the documents of Valerie's personal files. The data transfer starts reading off odd file name that catch my eye. It doesn�t occur to me, given the source, just what I�m seeing skim across the screen so I manually follow the path to said directory of her old pathetically encrypted Harddrive. The discovery of several thousand megabytes of personal porn pictures and hardcore webcam videos halts me in my tracks.

This wasn't the vastly gifted entrepreneur daughter Papa Snootybitch had led on about. This was an ageing webcam pornstar who was out touring the country doing porn or hooking up with her latest fling. My curiosity turned into disgust and contempt as I skimmed through several dozen more photos of freakish and occasional kinky stuff where she is degrading men or causing pain. I have no problem in general with what someone does for a living. My thoughts were at that instant that this bitch is using men and continuing to cause more pain even after HS. I had more reason to despise and hate her over anyone else... and I had her in the palm of my hands.

Wheels started turning, daddy was obviously none the wiser to what his daughter did for a living and my conscience started a personal war with my ego. At one end was my willingness to extract revenge and the other was my morale�s saying to forgive and let it go. I settled on a happy medium that both sides gleefully agreed with. My fear of being sued or that I could get my boss into some serious trouble prevented me from going too far so an evil little revenge scheme would have to suffice.
I uploaded all the files in question to my remote file server and got to work figuring out the best way to humiliate a dominatrix c_nt. Papa Snottybitch was enthusiastically watching a game that would occupy him for a few hours so I took the time to organized all her photos and videos onto her newly created desktop. Each folder got a unique fetish name as I filled each one with her personal pictures of shame and degradation. I started to get more and more creative as I began to have fun with it. "Valerie of XXHS class of XXXX takes on 2 guys at her Daddies home". Or "Watch Valerie Snootybitch get DPed on her parents bed". I was cackling with glee as I rigged the coup de gras. None of the files could be deleted/changed/removed without Administration approval. Guess who had that! MWAHAHAHAHAAH!

Two weeks later I get THE phonecall I was waiting for from my boss. Father Snootybitch request that I take a look at his daughter�s login account as there was something wrong with it. The look on her face when I showed up at her father's doorstep was priceless. Bitchy anger quickly sinks into horror and regret as it dawns on her just who was behind all this.

The next half hour was mostly sobs and her saying "sorry" a thousand times over. I'm a softy at heart but like Captain Malcolm Reynolds of Firefly says, "I'm a good guy... [stabs the guy in the gut] well I'll settle for just all right." my old HS pals mysteriously got access to a hidden directory one day of thousands of porn pictures of Valerie Snootybitch.

# ? May 22, 2014 22:28

N. Senada: May 17, 2011; My kidneys are busted

I don't actually want to hear what she says, so I keep interrupting her by doing the Nazi salute

# ? May 22, 2014 22:59

Minarchist: Mar 5, 2009; by WE B Bourgeois

ibntumart posted:

Background:
Be Pseudonym, PS for short. 27 years of living with moderate NParents.
Never be Momzilla, 58 years of raising 5 kids while being encouraged into being an NMom by my NDad.
Be MrFantastic, the man who loves me through thick and thin, and helps me build healthy boundaries between myself and NFamily members.

Why is it so hard for people to use whole words and natural sounding grammar instead of this weird language structure and acronyms for everything? Is "I'm X, my Mom's a narcissist, my fiance is Y" so hard to write out?

# ? May 22, 2014 23:04

Wasabi the J: Jan 23, 2008; MOM WAS RIGHT

Minarchist posted:

Why is it so hard for people to use whole words and natural sounding grammar instead of this weird language structure and acronyms for everything? Is "I'm X, my Mom's a narcissist, my fiance is Y" so hard to write out?

It came from 4chan greentext stories, where they were describing a setup for a picture reaction.

[picture]
>be xyz
>see abc
>mrw [my reaction when (I saw abc, as an xyz)]

# ? May 22, 2014 23:17

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Minarchist posted:

Why is it so hard for people to use whole words and natural sounding grammar instead of this weird language structure and acronyms for everything? Is "I'm X, my Mom's a narcissist, my fiance is Y" so hard to write out?

That story originally came from a Reddit forum. There were other stories with the same stupid format, but not all of them, so I don't know if the author is a 4chan greentext refugee, the forum has a (poorly enforced) style guide, or the author just convinced herself that was a good writing style.

# ? May 22, 2014 23:22

Maxwell Lord: Dec 12, 2008; I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.; Grimey Drawer

What is the N short for anyway? Nazi? Neurotypical?

Second question: "state of the art fossil fuel relic"?

# ? May 23, 2014 00:19

Minarchist: Mar 5, 2009; by WE B Bourgeois

Maxwell Lord posted:

What is the N short for anyway? Nazi? Neurotypical?

Second question: "state of the art fossil fuel relic"?

Its from the "Raised By Narcissists" subreddit so its short for Narcissist.

# ? May 23, 2014 00:34

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

ibntumart posted:

By all that is holy, let's please not! Instead, have some more content.
Valerie Snootybitch

Mods, requesting name change.

# ? May 23, 2014 01:01

Awkward Davies: Sep 3, 2009; Grimey Drawer

ibntumart posted:

By all that is holy, let's please not! Instead, have some more content.

This guy is loving awful terrible person and deserved the punishment he got in high school. What a massive cock for even thinking any of that is even close to a reasonable revenge story. That's hosed up.

I mean, I know it did't happen, but jesus.

# ? May 23, 2014 01:08

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Awkward Davies posted:

This guy is loving awful terrible person and deserved the punishment he got in high school. What a massive cock for even thinking any of that is even close to a reasonable revenge story. That's hosed up.

I mean, I know it did't happen, but jesus.

Yeah, STDH stories can be a window into some pretty hosed up heads. I take comfort (1) knowing they're fake stories and (2) the sort of person to write one and think it's a compelling, badass, and realistic tale are way too ineffectual to protest getting a cheeseburger instead of Quarter Pounder at a McDonald's, let alone attempt anything in their story.

# ? May 23, 2014 01:17

hate hoot: Nov 7, 2012

canyoneer posted:

I'm sure that happened.

Why would someone who takes just a single pill a day need a weekly pillbox organizer?

Edit: I did not finish reading the thread.

# ? May 23, 2014 01:50

Maxwell Lord: Dec 12, 2008; I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.; Grimey Drawer

Awkward Davies posted:

This guy is loving awful terrible person and deserved the punishment he got in high school. What a massive cock for even thinking any of that is even close to a reasonable revenge story. That's hosed up.

I mean, I know it did't happen, but jesus.

I think my favorite part is that her doing female-dominant male humiliation porn is supposed to be further evidence for her being a horrible bitch, like that's not something many male customers actively seek out and consume. It's like he thinks those things are documentaries, and the dominatrices roam the streets seeking innocent men to demean-

Wait a minute I just need to put down an idea I got for a screenplay.

# ? May 23, 2014 03:46

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

Maxwell Lord posted:

I think my favorite part is that her doing female-dominant male humiliation porn is supposed to be further evidence for her being a horrible bitch, like that's not something many male customers actively seek out and consume. It's like he thinks those things are documentaries, and the dominatrices roam the streets seeking innocent men to demean-

Wait a minute I just need to put down an idea I got for a screenplay.

You joke, but I met a dominatrix once (not as a client) who said that she once had a client who was into various sorts of public humiliation, and some random stranger on the street called her a bitch and told the guy he "didn't have to let her treat him like that".

Lady, he pays top dollar for her to treat him like that.

# ? May 23, 2014 04:06

WickedHate: Aug 1, 2013; by Lowtax

Applying an over the top Firefly quote to themselves to seem like a badass is the cherry on top.

# ? May 23, 2014 04:13

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Reddit and bullies, what a great combination.

500 bucks a week? That's like 26K a year! The man's UNBELIEVABLY wealthy, assuming this was written in 1965.

quote:

I got bullied real bad from grade 3-8. I had never done anything to these kids except be totally nice to them and try to earn their friendship. I got my rear end kicked on a weekly basis, verbally abused everyday, and didn't have much of a social life. My dad was dying from a very humiliating disease at the time and they used that on me. It was absolutely humiliating and i hated my life. Thankfully i was presented the opportunity to go to a prep school while they all went to the local public high schools. I hadn't seen them for years until a few weeks ago, i saw one of them. He considered us "friends" so he tried striking up a conversation with me, asking what i've been up to, who i'm dating etc... I told him straight.

"Well the past few years i've been working my rear end off, and now i'm the assistant director of a marketing agency making 500 bucks a week. I'm school president, and i'm dating X (X was the HOTTEST girl back when we all went to school together. No joke i'm actually dating her.) And i'm going to school in LA on full scholarship for film production. How about you?"

He looked me dead in the eye for a few seconds just totally silent with his jaw dropped. All he said was, "well, nothing really, just smoking a bunch of weed and hanging out"

I wanted to kick his rear end SO badly, but instead thought i'd rub my accomplishments in. This was possibly one of the greatest moments of my life. I have worked my rear end off to get where i am today. He has done absolutely nothing.

This story is unbelievable! Clearly this sequence of events is complete fiction, as such a thing could never take place in reality!

quote:

I was bullied all through fifth grade by a guy in my class. He always called me names, made fun of me during gym class, and one time even made me cry. I dreaded going to school because of him. Fortunately, I was never in a class with him after 5th grade and he didn't go to my high school.

10 years later I was working at a bookstore when he came up to me and asked me for help finding a book. I recognized him at once. I'm pretty sure he didn't recognize me though, despite having bullied me for almost an entire year. I helped him find the book, he thanked me and I walked away.

tl;dr: Was bullied all through 5th grade by a guy. 10 years later I helped him find a book at a bookstore. He didn't even recognize me!

I like this one. Replace the sundae with Stewarts Caramel Cone Crunch ice cream and add some whimpering and you'll get my reaction in the same situation.

quote:

I always like to imagine that one day I'll be at a mall or bar with an insanely cute girlfriend and my old bully from middle school would try hitting on her and then I'd show up and be like "HA! gently caress YOU 'BILL' YOU DOUCHESCHNOZZLE I HOPE YOU DIE OLD AND ALONE!"

But actually I saw him at the mall this summer while I was by myself eating a large baskin robbins sunday. I scurried away in shame and fear.

# ? May 23, 2014 04:32

Araenna: Dec 27, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

I was bullied like hell in school. Ten years later, and I don't remember most of their names. The likelihood of recognizing any of them, is also pretty drat low. I'm lucky if I recognize friends I had from then. As horrible as being bullied was, and as much as it had a long term affect on me, I guess I just stopped obsessing over any of it the moment I got out of high school. I can't imagine not only being so worked up over it still that I could recognize them and remember all their names years later, but that I would write a fake story about how hard I owned them for the internet.

# ? May 23, 2014 05:49

Karasu Tengu: Feb 16, 2011; Humble Tengu Newspaper Reporter

Most likely these people are still in high school, or just barely out of it. I can't think of any other reason why that first one brags about having a poo poo Walmart job.

# ? May 23, 2014 05:51

empty whippet box: Jun 9, 2004; by Fluffdaddy

See I had social problems in high school like any good goony sperglord but I eventually figured out that I was a goony sperglord and ...I'm still a goony sperglord. But I figured out that nobody gives a gently caress what I'm doing or what I look like 99% of the time and the problem was my own mental health, and the people in high school that I thought 'bullied' me were just loving around and nobody even remembers me that way, or at all, and I don't remember them either because who loving cares it was ten years ago.

I mean....I could go make up a story on the internet about it though.... :flashfap:

# ? May 23, 2014 06:29

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

ibntumart posted:

High school wasn�t particularly bad for me, but it was Val who made my life a literal living Hell.

...

The main issue being that the Dinosaur of a PC is practically a relic of state-of-the-art fossil fuel by modern day comparisons.

I quickly demise no amount of software repair and malware removal is going to fix the speed problem he's facing.

...

My loath and disgust resurfaces as my eyes wandered across the documents of Valerie's personal files.

...

I had more reason to despise and hate her over anyone else... and I had her in the palm of my hands.

...

At one end was my willingness to extract revenge and the other was my morale�s saying to forgive and let it go.

These loving people all think they're sooo smart, but they all write like overwrought high schoolers.

# ? May 23, 2014 07:11

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

Maxwell Lord posted:

I think my favorite part is that her doing female-dominant male humiliation porn is supposed to be further evidence for her being a horrible bitch, like that's not something many male customers actively seek out and consume. It's like he thinks those things are documentaries, and the dominatrices roam the streets seeking innocent men to demean-

Wait a minute I just need to put down an idea I got for a screenplay.

There's a pretty clear connection there between her humiliating him in high school and making humiliating other people into a career. It's the ultimate form of "getting away with it." He never succeeded at getting her into trouble with authority figures for it when the authority figures were the school administration, but now that it's her dad (the ultimate authority figure), he can finally do it, vindicating himself retroactively.

It's me, I'm the guy doing literary analysis on reddit posts

# ? May 23, 2014 08:16

The Iron Rose: May 12, 2012; Cat Army

trickybiscuits posted:

Reddit and bullies, what a great combination.

500 bucks a week? That's like 26K a year! The man's UNBELIEVABLY wealthy, assuming this was written in 1965.

I'm beyond disappointed the pretty chill sounding ex-bully didn't kick his rear end for a second time. Like at the end there, we're not supposed to seriously think this dude came out on top right?

# ? May 23, 2014 10:17

KiddieGrinder: Nov 15, 2005; HELP ME

hate hoot posted:

Why would someone who takes just a single pill a day need a weekly pillbox organizer?

Edit: I did not finish reading the thread.

I do, mainly because I forget whether or not I had mine that day, or the previous day. I have a bad memory. :eng99:

# ? May 23, 2014 11:26

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 20, 2024 20:35

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

The Iron Rose posted:

I'm beyond disappointed the pretty chill sounding ex-bully didn't kick his rear end for a second time. Like at the end there, we're not supposed to seriously think this dude came out on top right?

But he's dating X! He's the school president! His dad's probably still got a humiliating disease but he is winning at life.

# ? May 23, 2014 13:17

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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