US Vice President, Joe Biden posted:

The vice president recalled the time he looked Putin in the eyes and told him he didn’t have a soul, while he was visiting the former Russian prime minister at the Kremlin in 2011.

“I had an interpreter, and when he was showing me his office I said, ‘It’s amazing what capitalism will do, won’t it? A magnificent office!’ And he laughed,” Biden explained to The New Yorker.

“As I turned, I was this close to him,” as Biden held his hand inches from his nose. “I said, ‘Mr. Prime Minister, I’m looking into your eyes, and I don’t think you have a soul.’”

“You said that?” Osnos asked Biden.

“Absolutely, positively,” Biden stated. “And he looked back at me, and he smiled, and he said, ‘We understand one another.’ This is who this guy is.”

Max posted:

Isn't he just taking a poo poo on what GWB said about Putin there?

George Bush posted:

“I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straight forward and trustworthy and we had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul,” Bush said. “He's a man deeply committed to his country and the best interests of his country, and I appreciate very much the frank dialogue, and that's the beginning of a very constructive relationship.”

ibntumart posted:

tentative8e8op posted:

quote:

Not Chickening Out Of Saying The Right Thing
RESTAURANT | NJ, USA | AT THE CHECKOUT, CRAZY REQUESTS, FOOD & DRINK, HEALTH & BODY, LIARS & SCAMMERS
(I am waiting in line at a local place that’s known mostly for its hot dogs and unbelievably spicy buffalo wings. All of a sudden a customer comes storming into the place, literally shoves several people aside from the line and slams a take-out container on the counter.)

Customer: “I DEMAND TO TALK TO THE OWNER RIGHT NOW!”

(The man behind the counter working the fryers and grills turn around.)

Owner: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I didn’t say some stupid fry cook. I said the owner of this place, the woman!”

Owner: *points up to the wall of pictures she’s standing next to* “That would be me in every one of those ceremonies and events up there. This place is called [Restaurant] because I named it after my daughter. Now, how can I help you?”

Customer: “You tried to POISON ME! I ordered the veggie bites and the fried cauliflower, and there was CHICKEN IN THERE!”

Owner: “Oh! I’m terribly sorry ma’am. There must have been some kind of accident. I would be happy to replace—”

Customer: “OHHHH, no. I’m not letting you off that easily. I could have DIED! I want some kind of compensation!”

(After witnessing this overreaction from the customer, I have had enough:)

Me: “All right, I’m sick of this. You storm in, shove three people out of the way including an older woman half your size, you insult the owner of the place to his face, he STILL offers to replace your food, and then you demand he give you more money back!?”

Customer: “I COULD HAVE DIED!”

Me: “Not unless you’re the first reported case of CHICKEN ALLERGIES, or you just swallow everything whole and can crush broccoli on the way down but not a chicken nugget! Let it go, python-lady!”

(At this point the rest of the people there burst out laughing, including most of the staff. The customer storms out.)

Owner: “THANK YOU! I don’t like being rude to customers no matter what, but she was totally out of line! What were you getting? It’s on the house.”

Me: “Ah, don’t worry about it. I just better not find any fried cauliflower in my chicken nuggets!”

Khazar-khum posted:

"not unless you're the first reported case of CHICKEN ALLERGIES!"

http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2bb3yc/tifu_by_giving_a_giving_fat_girl_my_seat_on_the/ posted:

So it's the rush hour morning commute on the subway. I usually get a seat because I get on near the end/beginning of the line. All the seats usually get taken fairly quickly and so, being a healthy young person, I habitually glance around every few stops to make sure no incredibly elderly, disabled, or pregnant person is stuck standing whilst I sit like a jerk with my able body. This isn't because I'm a nice guy, it's just something you do because if you don't you get hate stares (from people who also could just give up their seat to said person in need, but that's another discussion).

So anyway, I am sitting on the crowded train and this (seemingly) pregnant girl gets on the train and stands holding the bar directly in front of me. Per usual, I stand up to give her my seat. She doesn't sit in it and is saying something at me that I cannot hear because I have headphones in. I take them out and it does like this:

Her: "You think I'm pregnant?!" Me: "Uh yeah" Her: "You can't just ASSUME someone is pregnant! It's people like YOU that contribute to the negative way women view themselves in this society!"

I'd type more of the interaction bu quite frankly it's not worth it. While she is berating me for apparently bringing down the weight of the patriarchal world order (yes she yelled this very statement many times) upon her shoulders someone else just takes her seat. After listening to her tirade that transported me back in time to my undergraduate freshman gender studies class and realizing my apologies had no effect I just put my headphones in while her words splattered my tired face. She yelled at me and to anyone in the vicinity about the "incident" for the remaining 30 minutes of the commute until I got off.

MinistryofLard posted:

You can't just ASSUME someone is pregnant!

Khazar-khum posted:

You're chicken.

Imaduck posted:

I believe he meant that the restaurant had was named after a woman, therefore the customer assumed it was owned by a woman, or something. Then the owner pointed out it was named after his daughter (twist!).

Basically, pointless, confusing details that prove it's a true story.

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

everything else aside,


http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Chicken+allergy

razorrozar posted:

*points to wall of pictures she's standing next to*

axolotl farmer posted:

Front page of imgurp

axolotl farmer posted:

Front page of imgurp

axolotl farmer posted:

Front page of imgurp

dregan posted:

can't nobody be allergic to chicken, it is one of the Basic meats of no offence to anybody

razorrozar posted:

Found this today. I like it better than the other one.

Imaduck posted:

Pidmon posted:

"I was inspired to drink my own piss for 15 days just to get back at what very well may have been a one-time event or mistake! I'm a genius!"

Marley Wants More posted:

He didn't drink it himself. He just peed in it and set it out as a trap. Or, he would have if this was poo poo that happened. Which it isn't.

axolotl farmer posted:

Front page of imgurp

razorrozar posted:

Found this today. I like it better than the other one.

axolotl farmer posted:

Front page of imgurp

reddituserpowerfantasy posted:

I had been working as a small office's sysadmin for a little over two months when Jack was hired. Jack was a paid intern whose mother was friends with my boss's wife. Jack grew up in the wealthiest county in the state (where my Boss lives) and has had everything he ever wanted. A sense of entitlement that hung around him like the smell of five-day-old socks was the first thing I noticed upon being introduced to him as he went around the office.
"Jack, this is Clickity, our, erm...uh...tech...guy..." My boss introduces me, in that way that old bosses who don't use computers often do.
Jack extends his hand. "Oh, cool. Nice to meet ya."
I shake. "Welcome aboard."
Jack is very eager to get started doing...whatever. "Will I get a business email?" as if this is the most interesting thing ever. Adorable, I think.
"Eventually, yes. For the moment though, we have a shared email for interns on staff. I'll get you the credentials shortly." Most of the interns use the shared email for a while until getting their own. just standard procedure.
"You run the firewall, right?"
"Yes."
"So you can block and unblock sites?"
"Yes." Jack's eager smile is contagious.
"Cool! Nice to meet you." He waves and the Boss and Jack leave to go be introduced elsewhere.
Now, dear reader, you might be wondering why I would call Jack the worst end user ever given his politeness and general smiling demeanor who has some understanding of what a sysadmin is, and what a sysadmin does. That's above average when it comes to end users.
Well, we're only getting started here with Jack.
The first thing jack did was complain the moment he was out of earshot. He apparently explained to the Boss that it really would be professional to have his own email given his experience and the fact that he was really more than just an intern. See, Jack knew his poo poo and that was that if he complained to Mother, she would complain to Boss-Wife, who would complain to Boss. And Boss, figuring an email is a small thing to ask for, had a request to set up a personalized email account for Jack on my desk within the hour.
This was not to be a good start of a relationship with one's IT Guy.
Day 2, I got an IT ticket for the room where the interns work. it's a large open office with a bunch of computers and printers where the interns print stuff all day long. Because it's such mind-numbing work, they tend to play music off of Pandora or Spotify in there. The ticket says:
"From INTERNEMAIL@companyemail: Hey, we're having issues with spotify. Not super important, but please help if you're free! thanks"
Aw, those guys are always nice to me. Maybe it's because I leave reddit unblocked on our firewall so they can reddit at lunch.
An hour or so later I have a few free minutes and I head down. I check out spotify and find the issue and fix it. Jack is there and watches closely.
"We can use Spotify here?" he asks.
"Yep," I reply.
"Pandora works, too," another intern adds. Everything checks out and I leave the happy-again-they-can-play-music interns and Jack.
A couple hours later, I got a note on my desk. See, Boss knew I allowed people to play music and such at the office. He believed was that Spotify is a HUGE security risk, leaving holes in our firewall through which everything from viruses to malware to cyberterrorists could come through. Boss was unhappy that I would allow such a threat to exist in our system, and ordered me to close it up.
I called Boss. When I asked who told him these incorrect things about Spotify? Oh, Jack did, of course.
I explained that Spotify was not a threat, and that Jack was simply mistaken. Jack, however, was on the other end of the line, in Boss's office, on speakerphone, and interjected: "Dude, it's alright if you didn't know about the security issue. But don't try and make me look bad for your mistake."
I'm stunned as Boss hangs up the phone after demanding I fix it.

The email was pretty self-explanatory. "Due to recent reports of alleged security problems by an intern, I have had to temporarily block access to spotify. I apologize for the inconvenience."
It got around relatively quickly that Jack was the one responsible. Two of the interns quit. They stopped playing music out loud. None of them talked to Jack.
He wasn't in the intern room for very long anyway. About a week after his hire, Boss's Wife decided to let Jack just use her office while she wasn't there, presumably because he complained about how the interns were all being so very mean to him.
*
Day 8. I got an email from Jack. "I'm having issues accessing Buzzfeed."
I didn't even move from my chair, emailing back a simple reply: "Due to management concerns, Buzzfeed is not allowed per our firewall settings."
His email was immediate. "Please? I just want to check some things while I'm on lunch."
I replied back a simple "No" and went about my day. and that was the last I ever heard from Jack.
I'm kidding. Of course it wasn't.
*
Day 9. Someone had opened my desk. See, I have a laptop in my desk. The laptop is set up to bypass the firewall if we need it, like if we need to find a business by looking them up on facebook or read a news article on a usually-blocked news site. It's common knowledge I have it.
Someone had unlocked my desk and taken the laptop.
I stormed down to the officer manager's desk. She and I have the only two keys to my desk. I told her that my desk had been opened and that a company laptop was missing.
"Oh?" she said, confused. "Boss came down here and needed the key to your desk."
"Boss!?" I was taken aback. "I...alright." Maybe Boss needed the laptop for something, I told myself. But that didn't stop me from going straight to Boss' Wife's office.
There, sitting at the polished hardwood desk, sat Jack, with my laptop. And my desk key next to it.
I approached. "Jack, I need you to give me that back."
Jack shook his head. "I got approval from Boss. The computer in here was acting funny, so I asked if I could use your spare laptop and he said yes."
I was completely stunned. "So you asked Boss to get you the key to my desk--" I picked the desk key up and put it in my pocket--"then take my laptop, and use it for..." I looked over the screen. Two windows docked side by side: Facebook and Cheezburger. "...this?"
He shifted the laptop so I couldn't see the screen and cleared his throat like I was intruding on his private data. "Thanks. You can go now."
You can go now.
You. Can. Go. Now.
Nope. Nope, nope, nope. poo poo doesn't work like this, man. I felt like I wanted to just slap the child sitting in front of me, but I steadied my hand and took a breath. The only laptop with unrestricted internet access was in the hand of a spoiled intern.
The only laptop with unrestricted access.
I smiled at Jack. "Alright, no problem. Have a good day." I walked out of the office.
I had a plan. Jack was loving going down.

"Dude...your self-control must be like Gandhi." My friend Steve, who works for one of my company's clients, heard me ranting about Jack while we had a coffee.
I shook my head. "I know. But what am I gonna do? Slap him? Get myself fired?"
"Sounds like it'd be worth it."
I sighed and took a steadying sip of my coffee. "I have a plan, though. But I need your help."
He perked up and then scowled. "My help? Oh, no. I don't like this guy much, but--"
"I'll put the whole story on reddit if you help me."
He thought about it. "Alright, but on one condition: You tell everyone that I am the hero that made your evil plan possible."
And so, for the record, Steve became the hero who made my evil plan possible.
*
Day 11. I got a call from Boss. "Clickity, I just got a call from Jack."
Of course you did. "What seems to be the problem, Boss?"
"He says you've made his new computer not work."
I blinked, staring at the speaker phone. "His new computer? You mean our unrestricted computer that he's...using?"
"Yes, yes, that one." I could almost see Boss lean in to the speakerphone. "I don't know what your problem is, Clickity, but Jack complains that you're preventing him from working. So i need you to fix his computer now." Click.
As if on cue (or more, as if he had been outside the office listening) Jack appeared at my doorway with the laptop. "So I need you to undo whatever you did." He opened the laptop and sat it in front of me, on top of my paperwork as if to say You know...Regardless of whatever you were doing ten seconds ago.
I seethed, pulling out a usb drive and plugging it into the laptop. I grumbled wordlessley as I clicked a few buttons on the laptop and then a few on my computer. I unplugged the USB drive and closed the laptop. "There. Have a nice day."
Jack picked up the laptop and turned for the door. "You better not screw with me again."
As soon as he was gone I smashed my pencil sharpener with my fist.
*
Day 14. It was the perfect day. Boss's wife was in the office so Jack was sharing her desk and, from the looks of my remote viewer, doing absolutely nothing at all.
I sent out an email.

To: Internemail@company
From: clickity@company
Subject: Intern Appreciation day
Hiya interns! I just cleared this with the office manager. For your hard work, I'm treating you guys to lunch. Go see the office manager and pick up a (Local Pub and Burger Joint) gift card and have a great day. Thanks for your hard work!

A few minutes later the phone rang. Boss's wife's office.
"IT, this is Clickity."
"This is Jack. I just saw all the interns walk out...what's going on?"
"Oh, it's intern appreciation day. Didn't you get the email? I sent it to the...oh." I sighed. "I completely forgot to send it to your email because it's separate. Yeah, all the interns are getting lunch."
"Thanks for letting me know," Jack said with audible edge to his voice. "If I hadn't called you, you wouldn't have told me at all, would you--" He's cut off by a disapproving "tsk" from Boss's wife.
I cleared my throat and ignored Jack's I-Own-You attitude. "Go quick and you can still catch them--"
"Fine." Jack hung up the phone.
I took a few reassuring breaths and texted Steve.

To:Boss@company
From:Steve@client
Subject: Out of office
Dear sir:
I apologize for the inconvenience, but I need to request file XYZ from you. My phone is having trouble recieveing emails, however, but I can receive the file by facebook message.
Steve


Jack had been out of the office about twenty minutes when Boss forwarded this to me. I called him at his desk. "Hey Boss. I just got the email you forwarded me. You need me to send file XYZ for you?"
"Yes. Can you...can you send people files on facebook?"
"Yes, I can. But I'll have to use the computer Jack's been using, though. It's the only one that can access facebook."
"Right, right. I'll meet you in my wife's office."
I hung up the phone and launched a single .bat file on my desktop. it ran its commands and then deleted itself as I walked away.
*
I got to Boss' Wife's office a few minutes later. I smiled to her and Boss before crossing to the computer. "Give me a second to bring up facebook and then--" I turned the laptop around to face us and Boss's wife reached over, moving the mouse. The screen flared to life.
Boss stared. Boss' Wife gasped. A soft moan, followed by the neigh of a horse, emanated from the laptop. She frantically closed the video window...revealing a second window underneath it; a Bing search for "best places to buy weed near me". She closed that one, too...revealing Buzzfeed's "10 signs you're over your job".
As she slammed the laptop shut, Boss shook his head, red and shaking with anger. "How...How was that--I mean, I thought--WHO WAS USING THIS COMPUTER?" he roared.
Boss's wife shook her head. "Jack was using it about a half-hour ago..." As as if on cue, Jack appeared in the doorway with the leftovers from lunch in a carryout bag in his hand.
Boss's back was to him. "THAT KIND OF THING SHOULD BE BLOCKED!" He yelled at me, pointing to the laptop.
I nodded. "I agree. Jack said he needed to use the unrestricted computer for some important projects. That's why he asked you to retrieve the key to my desk last week, right?" I pointed to the door with my chin and Boss saw Jack.
Jack blinked at Boss. He looked at me. He looked at the computer. Then back to me. I could see it dawned on him what was going on. "Y-you did something to my computer, didn't you?!" He demanded.
Of course I had. I had copied a hidden batch file onto Jack's desktop from a USB drive when I "fixed" his computer the other day. A file that would send me his browsing history without remoting into his desktop or alerting him. Then, all it would need would be a remote command, which I'd set off from my own computer. The file would then delete itself after launching three web pages as soon as the mouse moved...three of the most incriminating web pages Jack had ever visited on the computer. All it needed was a remote command, which I'd set off from my own computer. Granted, it wasn't entirely untraceable, but the only person who'd know what to look for was in this room, looking with as angry a face I could muster at the awful end user who had become the bane of my existence.
Boss's wife chimed in. She was, at least, slightly more computer-savvy than her husband. "No. Clickity didn't do anything. He just exited the...you know. The screensaver. Whatever was there must have been what you were...um...working on when you rushed out of the office for lunch." she glared at Jack and then addressed Boss. "He must have forgotten to close out the evidence of his blatant misuse of company property."
I shook my head solemnly. "And I trusted you with this unrestricted computer, too, Jack. I even gave you your own email address for the company because I thought you'd be an asset. Clearly...clearly I was wrong." I tried my best to sound hurt.
Boss's Wife nonchalantly picked up the laptop and handed it to me. "Jack, I am rather upset that you'd do something like this. I hired you as a favor to your mother. And you can be certain she'll hear about this. Now go home."
Jack stood there, shaking. He probably had an idea of what I had done, but he'd have no way to prove it. "But...He...I..." He pointed at me wordlessly.
"GET OUT!" Boss yelled.
Jack burst into tears and ran from the room.
*
Now, as I write this, it's been four weeks since Jack was terminated. I "patched" the "security hole" from Spotify and the interns are listening to music again. I didn't give the spare desk key back to the office manager. As for Jack...I saw him the other day when he stopped by with his mother. He came and knocked on my door.
"Um...Clickity?"
I looked up and narrowed my eyes. "What."
"I just...I wanted to say I'm sorry for...for saying that stuff and...acting like I did..."
I blinked.
"...and...um...now that I've apologized, I was hoping you could tell my mom that I didn't really look up any of that stuff. You...You know you're the one who did it. Not me. I mean..." he took a breath. "I mean, I've learned my lesson...so..."
Seriously?
"Come on, Clickity. She's made me get another job...and she cut my allowance...COME ON!" He looked at me pleadingly. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. Actually, not even almost.
I shook my head and went back to typing. Jack continued standing there, and after a few long moments I looked at him.
"You can go now."
And then he was gone.

quote:

Like A Dog With A Bone About Your Dog
PET STORE | USA | BAD BEHAVIOR, PETS & ANIMALS, THEME OF THE MONTH, WILD & UNRULY
(My dog and I are at a popular pet store where we are regular customers. I am pushing around a cart with my dog in it. He is very friendly and greets anybody who walks by.)

Customer: “Aw, what cute dog!”

(The customer pets him. She stops and looks into my cart to see a leash.)

Customer: “What the h***?!” *picks up and waves it on my face* “You are a animal abuser! Dogs should be running free!”

Me: “What? No! I am doing this for his safety. He gets out of my yard and chases after cars!”

Customer: *grabs my dog* “I am calling the police!”

Me: “No! Give me my dog back!”

(An employee runs over.)

Employee: “Miss! I am going to have to ask you to give the dog back.”

Customer: *holding my dog tightly, while he is fighting to get out of her arms* “No! He is being abused!”

Employee: “I assure you, that dog is not abused. I am going to call the police if you don’t let go of him.”

Customer: “Fine!” *throws my dog on the ground and runs out of the store*

(Luckily my dog was okay!)

Tumblr posted:

Me:*out for dinner with my dad because we were too lazy to cook*
Random Old Lady:*comes up out of no where with the most judgmental look ever* (will also be refereed to as 'ROL')
ROL:Isn't he a little old for you?
Me:Well, considering he's my Dad, I'd say that your a judgmental hag.
Dad:*chokes into his drink*
ROL:You should respect your elders.
Me:You should respect your youth, we're the ones who'll decide on whether or not to pull your cord in like, what? Five weeks?
Dad:*chokes on his drink again*
ROL:*storms off*
Dad:*looks at me with a disapproving look*
Me:What?
Dad:Come on, you and I both know it will be three weeks.