shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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newreply.php: Dec 24, 2009; Pillbug

And especially: people tell 1 other person about their good shopping experiences, and 20 people about the bad ones.

# ? Sep 19, 2014 13:49

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# ? May 26, 2024 23:54

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

# ? Sep 19, 2014 15:32

Karma Comedian: Feb 2, 2012

EmmyOk posted:

gmh

This website is full of the dumbest, most boring and mundane stdh ever.

# ? Sep 19, 2014 17:13

jabby: Oct 27, 2010

newreply.php posted:

Everyone except those manager's managers. You know, the people who write his paycheck and let that depend on whether or not the business is running smoothly. Having an idiot who is totally in the wrong screaming at the service desk is bad for business, and much worse than accepting his $150 returned item even though it's against official policy.
But of course the sort of people that write stdh.txt are entitled inexperienced special snowflakes with no degree that are much more than just a retail drone. Except the job you are doing right now is retail drone so just do that and don't make a personal crusade out of everything.

How dare those people with no degree expect managers to follow the rules rather than making GBS threads on their employees.

And I guess that is your experience. While I was working retail the higher-ups always enforced the rules, because they would rather an obnoxious customer get thrown out by security than the same people come back time and time again costing the company money. It was always the middle managers who let things slide out of sheer laziness and cowardice, and it was a pleasure to see it bite them in the rear end occasionally.

# ? Sep 19, 2014 18:00

MinistryofLard: Mar 22, 2013; Goblin babies did nothing wrong.

# ? Sep 20, 2014 04:17

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

I somehow mistook my 13 inch penis as being tiny...

# ? Sep 20, 2014 04:43

prom candy: Dec 16, 2005; Only I may dance

Wizard of Smart posted:

This website is full of the dumbest, most boring and mundane stdh ever.

Chicken Soup for the Semi-Literate Soul

# ? Sep 20, 2014 04:53

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Mastered Persian numerals without even trying, still working on basic punctuation skills posted:

I was grocery shopping, this random lady comes up to me and starts asking the price of random products (I assumed she couldn't see well), and points at me saying "you persian," and I'm guessing she wanted to know the prices and didn't understand english. I told her i'm "not persian", and I don't speak persian, BUT, I do know their numbers, from my backgammon playing experience. So I helped her out in persian, and she was impressed as f, staring at me surprisedly, thinking this random non-persian guy knew her language

# ? Sep 20, 2014 06:49

Byzantine: Sep 1, 2007

newreply.php posted:

And especially: people tell 1 other person about their good shopping experiences, and 20 people about the bad ones.

Then the solution should be that rear end in a top hat customers never leave the store :unsmigghh:

# ? Sep 20, 2014 07:08

6EQUJ5 6 7: Sep 1, 2012; I'd do the same as you.

Lul Persian. Nothing is Persian anymore but rugs. It's hilarious to me seeing people claim that. Persia is not a thing. They are no more Persian than Istanbul is Constantinople.

# ? Sep 20, 2014 08:54

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Gotta admit I was not expecting the existence of Persian language and people of Persian descent to be taken as the STDH part of that anecdote.

# ? Sep 20, 2014 09:14

6EQUJ5 6 7: Sep 1, 2012; I'd do the same as you.

I was just picking nits like a dummy.

# ? Sep 20, 2014 12:31

ANIME MONSTROSITY: Jun 1, 2012; by XyloJW

EmmyOk posted:

I somehow mistook my 13 inch penis as being tiny...

It honestly happens, except maybe not on this scale. I knew a guy who was super ashamed because of his allegedly small dick except it was the biggest dick I've seen irl and he couldn't accept this fact

# ? Sep 20, 2014 15:04

Krolewna: Jan 8, 2014; The me of the future can worry about THAT, while the me of the present enjoys life.

Was hoping I'd be able to post in here:

# ? Sep 20, 2014 19:49

devtesla: Jan 2, 2012; Grimey Drawer

at all of y'all posting reddit comments with downvotes. Who cares.

# ? Sep 20, 2014 19:57

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Perfidus posted:

Lul Persian. Nothing is Persian anymore but rugs. It's hilarious to me seeing people claim that. Persia is not a thing. They are no more Persian than Istanbul is Constantinople.

I guarantee that if you said that in parts of LA, they'd never find your body.

Their language is called Farsi, and they proudly consider themselves Persian. Persian food is fantastic.

# ? Sep 21, 2014 09:39

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Boom!

quote:

An Explosion Of Thought(less)
HIGH SCHOOL | KANSAS CITY, MO, USA | BIZARRE/SILLY, MATH & SCIENCE, TEACHERS
(I am a junior, and I am sitting in an upper-level chemistry class just as the teacher is about to give us a test. Another chemistry teacher walks in from the supply room between the two chemistry classes carrying a five gallon-or-so bottle like the ones use on top of water coolers. The bottle appears to be empty.)

Teacher #2: �Mrs. [Teacher #1], do you have a match?�

Teacher #1: �Of course.� *puts down quizzes and retrieves matches from her desk*

Teacher #2: *lights match and drops in bottle, then smiles gleefully as the explosion rocks the entire room*

Teacher #1: *laughs*

Teacher #2: �Yup, I was right. That was methane.� *turns and walks out the door like nothing happened*

# ? Sep 21, 2014 09:46

6EQUJ5 6 7: Sep 1, 2012; I'd do the same as you.

Khazar-khum posted:

I guarantee that if you said that in parts of LA, they'd never find your body.

Their language is called Farsi, and they proudly consider themselves Persian. Persian food is fantastic.

Cool but they proudly consider themselves wrong. Also it's not really a positive thing to say about an ethnic group of people when you say they would kill me and destroy my body for questioning their fantasy.

Edit: Not trying to come off as caustic. I just don't subscribe to that line of thought. I don't claim to be Thracian because my roots are in that area, for instance. Anyhoo.

On topic, Amy Lee took her cellphone delusions even further and is now taking credit for the iPhone.

Is there any website that tracks her and includes commentary?

6EQUJ5 6 7 has a new favorite as of 13:37 on Sep 21, 2014

# ? Sep 21, 2014 13:17

Obdicut: May 15, 2012; "What election?"

Perfidus posted:

Cool but they proudly consider themselves wrong. Also it's not really a positive thing to say about an ethnic group of people when you say they would kill me and destroy my body for questioning their fantasy.

Edit: Not trying to come off as caustic. I just don't subscribe to that line of thought. I don't claim to be Thracian because my roots are in that area, for instance. Anyhoo.

On topic, Amy Lee took her cellphone delusions even further and is now taking credit for the iPhone.

Is there any website that tracks her and includes commentary?

You loving idiot, Persian is an actual ethnicity, not a 'fantasy'. Stop being a moron.

STDH:

I'm back at school, and so people have been mentioning what they did over the summer. This one guy began a startup doing "intelligent search", and it was about to be bought by Google, when oh no, the patent trolls arrived, and he lost everything. Oh well, he came away wiser, and the receptionist is now his girlfriend. Cue him showing pictures of him with his arm around a girl who looks pretty uncomfortable to have him that close, and is holding her own arms rigidly down at her sides.

# ? Sep 21, 2014 13:45

Zelder: Jan 4, 2012

The Devil Tesla posted:

at all of y'all posting reddit comments with downvotes. Who cares.

That one post about the ecstasy game had like three hundred up votes. Which is sad, admittedly.

# ? Sep 21, 2014 13:54

sub supau: Aug 28, 2007

Perfidus posted:

Cool but they proudly consider themselves wrong.

Congrats on making the whitest post possible.

# ? Sep 21, 2014 17:40

6EQUJ5 6 7: Sep 1, 2012; I'd do the same as you.

Okay yeah I'm an idiot. I make no excuses. Back to STDH.

# ? Sep 22, 2014 06:17

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Tailor made.

quote:

Cannot Be Tailored To His Demands
TAILOR | NANAIMO, BC, CANADA | CRAZY REQUESTS, MONEY
(I own a tailor shop. I typically ask customers if one week service is okay with them. This is because I am all alone here and need the time. Most are fine with it but some need things sooner. This is okay provided I have time available on whatever day. However, if they want it same day or next day, there is an upcharge since I have to stop anything else I am doing and let them jump the queue. My permanent special is on regular jean hems since they are the fastest hem to do. A customer walks in with two pairs of pants with fancy stitching on the hems and a bit of intentional distressing of the fabric.)

Customer: �I want to get these both hemmed, but do you do the kind of hem where I get to keep this look at the bottom?�

Me: �A European style hem? Yes, I do those.�

(I take his information and measurements for the receipt and enter the jobs into the computer.)

Me: �Now, is next Saturday okay for you?�

Customer: *eyes bulge out of his face* �That long?! Really?�

Me: �It is just what I like to ask for. I might be able to get them done sooner, though. What day would you like them done?�

Customer: �Well, I am going to Vancouver on Tuesday, so��

Me: �If you aren�t leaving until later on Tuesday, I can have them ready for 9:30 pickup or, if you are willing to pay the urgent fee, I can have them ready tomorrow. I am closed Sunday and Monday.�

Customer: *sounding impatient* �How much?�

Me: *looking at the computer* �[Amount] for Tuesday or [amount +$10] for tomorrow.�

Customer: *eyes stick out even more* �HOW MUCH?! But I came here because your sign outside says two for [amount which is half of the Tuesday price I quoted], and that is why I came here! That is false advertising!�

Me: �I am sorry for the misunderstanding, but that price is for our basic hem, which is where I cut the pant and sew a new hem. It takes one machine and is an easy hem. It has an absolute turn around time of one week which is why it is a special price. The hem you want is more of a �deluxe� hem and takes all three of my machines and more time, plus you want it sooner than one week.�

Customer: �I don�t see why you need a week! You just need to cut it and sew! It would take a few seconds!�

Me: �Regular hems don�t take long, but you don�t want that kind. Euros take longer, but not that long. The issue is that there are many people ahead of you and their work comes first. That is why if you want to skip the line, you have to pay a little extra.�

Customer: *looking very disgruntled* �Well, the place in the mall will do it for [30% less than my regular euro price] AND they gave me a 10% off card to use!�

Me: *knowing for a fact that the place in the mall charges a little less than twice what I do and doesn�t do a good job at all* �Well, that sounds like an excellent deal, sir. You�d better get there before they close, then. I am sorry I couldn�t help you today. Let me just get the pins out of these pants for you.� *does so* �Sorry again, but have a great weekend!�

(The customer grabbed his jeans and left, still grumbling.)

I do a lot of sewing. I can see perhaps using a serger on the raw edge, but then the jeans would go to a regular machine for the stitching. The only way I can come up with 3 machines is if he is counting pressing the jeans. But all three of those steps would be needed anyway.

# ? Sep 23, 2014 07:06

Karasu Tengu: Feb 16, 2011; Humble Tengu Newspaper Reporter

I think my favorite is [amount + $10] because he's deathly afraid of quoting a price that makes the story seem unrealistic.

# ? Sep 23, 2014 07:10

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Elliotw2 posted:

I think my favorite is [amount + $10] because he's deathly afraid of quoting a price that makes the story seem unrealistic.

I can't think of a single mall with a tailor shop. Department stores will only make alterations on things they sell.

# ? Sep 23, 2014 07:15

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Khazar-khum posted:

I can't think of a single mall with a tailor shop. Department stores will only make alterations on things they sell.

There is one at the mall a mile from me, in the Dallas area.

# ? Sep 23, 2014 08:29

Chococat: Aug 22, 2000; Forum Veteran

Almost every Canadian mall I've been in has had some kind of alterations shop in it, even the tiny run down suburban ones, but they don't exist so much in the US as far as I've seen.

# ? Sep 23, 2014 08:43

El Estrago Bonito: Dec 17, 2010; Scout Finch Bitch

We have one in a strip mall, but I think they mostly do business in the Latino community for stuff like Confirmation.

# ? Sep 23, 2014 08:56

Tippecanoe: Jan 26, 2011

Lots of malls where I live have places to alterations. Dry cleaners too, for that matter.

# ? Sep 23, 2014 08:57

StealthArcher: Jan 10, 2010

The only alterations the guy does is to his stories.

# ? Sep 23, 2014 09:08

EKDS5k: Feb 22, 2012; THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET YOUR BEER FREEZE, DAMNIT

Chococat posted:

Almost every Canadian mall I've been in has had some kind of alterations shop in it, even the tiny run down suburban ones, but they don't exist so much in the US as far as I've seen.

I think it's the law up here. Even big rear end malls have a tiny little alterations shop tucked away by a side entrance somewhere.

Elliotw2 posted:

I think my favorite is [amount + $10] because he's deathly afraid of quoting a price that makes the story seem unrealistic.

Is $10 even high enough for a rush job? It seems so low that I feel like most people would just pay it, and then he'd be right back where he started.

# ? Sep 24, 2014 05:31

Rudager: Apr 29, 2008

Elliotw2 posted:

I think my favorite is [amount + $10] because he's deathly afraid of quoting a price that makes the story seem unrealistic.

Also, for a person who's (presumably) self employed at their own tailor shop and is the only person who works in the shop, they had to check the computer to know what the price they charge is? Business must be bad if it's so slow you don't know what your rates are off the top of your head.

# ? Sep 24, 2014 09:39

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Tin Hat posted:

Lots of malls where I live have places to alterations. Dry cleaners too, for that matter.

Most dry cleaners offer alterations. But an actual tailor shop in a mall? Never seen that, but if some of you have them, well, I guess that part of the poo poo DID happen.

Not knowing your prices in your own shop is suspect, though. A customer might think the price is being tailored to his order, rather than a one-size-fits all pricing scheme.

# ? Sep 24, 2014 09:44

Butt Detective: Mar 24, 2013; Only the dead can know peace from these hats.

Tumblr posted:

all right everyone sit down, shut up and listen closely because I�m about to tell y�all the tale of Ms. Mormino.

Seventh grade is a time most people don�t look back on fondly. I know I sure don�t�I tend to regard that era as nothing more than an unpleasant, acne-filled haze of fall out boy and poor attempts at pseudo-zooey deschanel fashions. But enough about me. Let�s talk about my math teacher.

Ms. Isom. Poor old Ms. Isom. Well in her 60�s, always plagued with some illness or injury, she was hardly ever even at school. Since many of her absences were the result of short-notice incidents��falling down the stairs� was popularly cited� it wasn�t all that uncommon to not have a substitute on hand. Being a smartass honors class, we�d gotten away with several successful evasions of administration, walking cavalierly into class to pass the next 48 minutes doing just about nothing. Hell, for good measure, we�d sometimes even toss in a friendly �hey, Ms. Isom!� if any administrators were anywhere within earshot. So incredibly anti-establishment, you could basically call it another Project Mayhem, except instead of Brad Pitt and Ed Norton concocting homemade bombs, it was a bunch of tweenyboppers with iPhone 3�s and Justin Bieber 2009 haircuts.

We got pretty accustomed to our own little self-governing system that rolled around every second period, so we naturally weren�t exactly thrilled when administration caught on to our little Anarchy Act and strictly enforced the presence of a substitute every day.

Most of our subs weren�t terrible�most were friendly, gave us participation grades, and didn�t object to the independent attitude of our class (which, mind you, only had about ten students in it)

That is, until Ms. Mormino came along.

Four feet, ten inches of raw, undiluted evil, Ms. Mormino walked into class with a scowl on her face and a chip on her shoulder. When the girl behind me sneezed, Ms. Mormino�s immediate response was �NO INAPPROPRIATE NOISES!�

Although we all suppressed our laughter, we all knew from that moment on that, try as she might with her despotism and her draconian anti-sneeze policy, Ms. Mormino didn�t stand a chance.

The arguable beginning of the end for Ms. Mormino�s all-too-brief reign of terror was the moment I asked for a calculator; mine was broken. Mormino asserted that I could only borrow a calculator if I loaned her something of mine; at that moment, the girl next to me chimed in, saying she, too, needed a calculator. �I have a folder I can give you,� I offered. �I have a highlighter,� added the other girl.

At that moment, a puberty-creaking voice from the back of the room piped up.

Max.

We all know certain people have certain gifts. Michelangelo saw angels in every block of marble and devoted his life to setting them free; Einstein had a mind which saw the potential of the entire universe; F. Scott Fitzgerald wove intricate tales of decadence and depravity. Max, however, had a different kind of gift: he could make anything�anything at all�into a �that�s what she said� joke. More on that later, though.

Max pried off a Nike sneaker and held it proudly in the air, like a coveted trophy.

"I have a shoe."

Tottering in one-shoe-one-sock, Max dumped the sneaker on Ms. Mormino�s desk, retrieved a calculator, then tottered back to his own desk, a sort of smirk playing on his face. And, as to be expected�the rest of us quickly followed suit.

A small pile of shoes on her desk, Ms. Mormino grit her teeth and glared at us as we all sat back down, quietly victorious, a calculator in each of our hands. It wasn�t long, however, until we all began to silently plot our next act of minor mayhem.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" asked Tyler, who, despite being in seventh grade, was approaching his sixteenth birthday. In a combination of verism and admiration of Tyler�s devil-may-care boldness, we unequivocally accepted him as our leader. For reasons unknown, Ms. Mormino denied his request. Tyler, much like his Fight Club namesake, heeded no rules but his own and left anyway�Ms. Mormino, furious, locked the door behind him and smugly insisted that "administration will take care of him."

Tyler, however, was not one to be caught, and stayed close by, appearing in the window of the door whenever Ms. Mormino wasn�t looking. Waving, smiling, laughing, making faces and obscene gestures, Tyler had us all in stitches, but cleverly avoided Ms. Mormino�s sight�when she asked us what was so funny, we all refused to give Tyler away.

A girl asked to go to the bathroom, stating she �really really really� needed to go. Ms. Mormino, again, denied her request. Ms. Mormino, however, seemed to be uninformed about the side door�leading right outside, always locked from the outside but always open from the inside.

"Well, I�ll go myself," the girl responded, and took off, hurdling three desks and darting out the door. Right behind her, two other students took off, pursuing freedom. The door slammed behind all three students, and they were gone.

Six of us were left. Among us, importantly, was Chris.

Chris was thirteen, but looked half his age; scrawny, wiry, he probably measured in at about four-foot-three, but no taller. �Late Bloomer� are words that come to mind.

Despite his diminutive size, Chris possessed the gall of someone like Tyler.

"I have to use the bathroom," said Chris, standing.

�Do you think I�m going to allow you to go to the bathroom?� snapped Ms. Mormino.

�It�s an emergency!� Chris pleaded.

"Sit down," Ms. Mormino growled.

Meanwhile, the entire class borders on hysteria. We have tears in our eyes, almost suffocating from choking back laughter.

"It�s an emergency," repeated Chris, but it sounded more like a warning.

"Sit."

Silence. Silence, Silence and more silence, until we all began to notice a dark stain on Chris�s khakis. The stain grew. And grew. And grew.

Fists at his sides, stoicism in his face, and a cold, proud, triumphant glint in his eye, Chris locked eye contact with Ms. Mormino.

And pissed right in his pants.

The entire class erupted into a laugh only comparable to the detonation of a bomb.

We laughed so hard for the next five, ten, fifteen minutes straight that Ms. Mormino gave up. Surrendering, putting her head on her desk, she waited until the hysteria finally subsided.

Finally looking up, defeated, pathetic, Ms. Mormino glared at us all and wailed:

�This is too much, this is too hard, too hard, Jesus Christ, this is too much for me!�

A lone voice sounded from the back of the room. Guess whose it was.

"That�s what she said."

Ms. Mormino officially retired from teaching that afternoon.

# ? Sep 24, 2014 16:09

Eridine: Aug 11, 2011

That was physically painful for me to read.

Like, one of my ears started bleeding halfway through.

# ? Sep 24, 2014 16:22

dijon du jour: Mar 27, 2013; _{I'm shy}

Bullshit Stories from Wayside School.

# ? Sep 24, 2014 17:12

davidspackage: May 16, 2007; Nap Ghost

I can see him, smugging it up behind his computer as he novelizes that boring piece of crap.

I want to find and punch him.

# ? Sep 24, 2014 17:57

RenegadeStyle1: Jun 7, 2005; Baby Come Back

Ah yes, "that's what she said", the knockout punch to my story

# ? Sep 24, 2014 18:01

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

We were the honors class. You know, with the 16 year old 7th grader and the kid who proudly pissed his pants. The height of wit was "That's what she said". We were just a bunch of smart kids, with our own bus and everything.

# ? Sep 24, 2014 18:34

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# ? May 26, 2024 23:54

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

How is being able to turn anything into a TWSS joke a gift? It's literally the same phrase everytime. Also I imagine the person who wrote that looks like this

Content:

# ? Sep 24, 2014 18:39

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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