Boris Galerkin posted:

What's the point of sending an "escort?" Sounds like a total waste of money and someone's time.

Boris Galerkin posted:

What's the point of sending an "escort?" Sounds like a total waste of money and someone's time.

The Ape of Naples posted:

In STDH, they always fume off.

ibntumart posted:

jodai posted:

http://notalwaysfriendly.com/

God drat, this is the worst site. It makes me really sad but I imagine some of this is still made up, too. Most of the setup is longer than the actual stories so that the reader can get some stupid inside joke.

quote:

(My boyfriend and I are at a BBQ with some friends. I am musically inclined, and during conversation, bring up the topic of hand-bell ensembles. A hand-bell is a bell that plays a single note. To play a whole piece you would need multiple hand-bells to play every note in the piece.)

Boyfriend: “Depending on the piece, a hand-bell ensemble would have to be huge to play every note.”

Me: “Not necessarily. Each person could hold two bells, so you would only need half as many people as there were different notes.”

Boyfriend: “Oh yeah, I forgot that people have two arms…”

NotAlwaysRight posted:

(I am a male with long hair. Sometimes when I feel like being a smart-a**, most of the time really, I end up having this conversation with other long haired men, in this case being a worker at a retail place. People tend to respond the same way, so it usually plays out the same way.)

Me: “That long hair makes you look like a girl.”

(The clerks features rapidly shift to annoyance, then confusion when they see my long hair, then anger.)

Clerk: “Well, YOUR long hair makes you look like a girl, too!”

Me: “No. No, it doesn’t. You see *points* I have a beard. So, my long hair makes me look look a dumba**. YOUR long hair makes you look like a girl.”

Clerk: *stunned*

Me: “Why don’t you have a beard?”

QueenOfMistakes posted:

If this happened, then the guy's a dick. If this didn't happen, the guy's still a dick.

quote:

(I work at a movie rental place and this is a conversation that I had with a customer and her son the other day. A customer comes walking up to the register. He is about 13.)

Customer: “I am looking for a movie to rent.”

Me: “Okay. What is the title and I will look it up?”

Customer: “Oculus.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that movie will be in theaters Friday.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(He walks away. Few minutes later he comes back and asks for another movie.)

Me: “What movie are you looking for?”

Customer: “The Purge: Anarchy.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that movie hasn’t even come out in theaters yet.”

(The customer walks away. A few minutes later I am helping someone else and the same customer walks back up and starts talking to another associate. I overhear him ask for another movie.)

Customer: “I am looking for The Quiet Ones.”

Other Associate: “Okay, let me look that up for you.”

(I mention to the associate and the customer that that movie has not come out yet in theaters. The customer walks away. A few minutes later the boy comes back up with his mom.)

Mother: “I want to talk to a manager.”

Me: “That’s me. How can I help you?”

Mother: “I have sent my son up here three times looking for movies and every time he tells me that you do not have it and that they are coming out in theaters.”

Me: “I understand, ma’am, but those movies have not come out yet and because they have not come out we do not have a release date for the DVDs. I do apologize for that. Is there another movie that you are looking for that I can help you find?”

Mother: “NO. I WANT THOSE MOVIES AND I DEMAND THAT YOU GET ME THE DVD COPIES OF THOSE!”

(At this point I am taken aback that she is yelling at me to get her the DVD copies of movies that have not even been released in the theaters.)

Me: “I am sorry but there is no way for me to do that.”

Mother: “Well, how can you offer to rent out the newest movies if you do not have them? I see the commercials on the TV so that must mean that you have them. I bet they are in your back room and you just don’t want to walk back there and get them.”

Me: “I am sorry, but we do not have them. There is nothing that I can do for you. You can go see the movies in the theaters or if you want the DVD copies then they usually release them a few months after it has left the theaters. That is all that I can suggest.”

Mother: “You are no help. Your customer service skills suck, and I hope you are happy because my son really wanted to see these movies and now you are letting him down. I hope you feel like s***!”

(She demands the number to our corporate office and my name.)

Me: “Here is the number and my name. I again apologize that you are unhappy with our store but there is nothing that I can do.”

(She headed towards the exit, complaining how we don’t help customers and don’t have movies.)

ReidRansom posted:

I'm having a hard time believing that movie rental places still even exist.

JoeyJoJoJr Shabadoo posted:

http://www.familyvideo.com/

Suzuran posted:

That same company also sold dialup internet access here until fairly recently. Now they own a cable company named ITV3 and they're trying to compete with Comcast.

Evelyn Nesbit posted:

I just realized that half the reason NAR stories always sound so weird and robotic is because they edit out all the contractions. You are no help, we do not have them, I am sorry.

Buzzfeed posted:

I was 12 years old at summer camp, and I had a crush on a camp counselor. We were at the lake learning how to swim, and we had to do an obstacle course to pass so we could start jumping off the docks. I passed no problem, and noticed that he changed shifts with the other counselor. So, wanting to be suave, I decided at that moment to saunter out of the water. I managed to get halfway out before I was stung by a jellyfish. Instead of just running onto the sand and getting medical attention, I ended up freezing. By the time he ran and got me, my foot was covered in stings, and he had no choice but to pee on me in front of everyone there. I was called “pee girl” for the rest of the summer, and I couldn’t even look him in the eye after that.

axolotl farmer posted:

poo poo that happened

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqymcJRSbxI

axolotl farmer posted:

poo poo that happened

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqymcJRSbxI

TheMostFrench posted:

Is this real life? gently caress it, just kill me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOSTyKmidN0&t=36s

corn in the bible posted:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Website/NotAlwaysRight

quote:

Deceptive Desserts
BAKERY | FLORIDA, USA |
Customer: “Excuse me, but I have a complaint to make.”

Me: “Oh, sure. What’s the matter?”

Customer: “I heard a group of teenagers over there talking, and they said the cake that you serve is a lie.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What exactly do you have to say for yourselves?! I come in here, expecting to find a decent establishment, only to find out you are selling fake food!!”

Me: “Um, ma’am. They were repeating a popular phrase from the internet. I can assure you, the cake that we sell very much exists.”

Customer: “Prove it! Show me this cake.”

Me: *points*

Customer: “Oh. In that case you should write a letter to the internet about how they’re making up rumors about your products.”

Me: “I’ll… I’ll do that. Thank you.”

quote:

A Match Made In Size 7
CLOTHING STORE, RETAIL | TORONTO, ON, CANADA | AWESOME CUSTOMERS
(A couple walk in, the lady in front, the man trailing tiredly behind. The lady spins around the store.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

Lady: “I need these pants in size 0, pronto.”

Me: “Who are you getting them for?”

Lady: “MYSELF! What do you think!”

(I get her what she wants, she takes them and goes into a change room.)

Lady: “HEY, these are defective! Get me another pair!”

Me: “May I suggest a bigger size?”

Lady: “Are you saying I look fat? That I can’t fit into these pants?! I’ll have you know, I always wear size 0… these pants must be made wrong! Now get me another pair!”

Man: “Honey, those are really small pants, just try a slightly bigger one.”

(Without a pause, she turns around and slaps the man.)

Lady: “Why can’t you just be on my side! That was so rude! You’re sleeping on the couch tonight!”

Man: “We don’t live together.”

Lady: “What do you mean! We moved in last week… remember?”

Man: “No… we don’t live together.”

(The lady realizes he’s not caving. She flicks a look at me, then tries a different route.)

Lady: “Well, I mean, you’re still sleeping on the couch in your own apartment! To show remorse for disrespecting me. Or else!”

Man: “Or else what?”

Lady: “Or else I’m dumping you!”

Man: “… Okay.”

Lady: “You just–you just like HER, don’t–” *walks out fast, sobbing*

(The man stayed behind and apologized to me. My shift was ending so we went for dinner, and long story short he’s now my fiance! Couldn’t ask for a better man, and I’ve got to thank that lady someday for making it all possible…)

quote:

Blowing Things Out (And Up) Of Proportion
LIBRARY | CA, USA | BIZARRE, FAMILY & KIDS, TOP
(When I was in 7th grade, I volunteered at a local library. My main job was to gather books for pull lists. One day when I’m checking in some books and filling out sending forms, a man and his daughter walk up to my computer. Note: the scanner I am using beeps every time I scan a book.)

Daughter: “Why is it making that beeping sound, Daddy?”

Father: “I don’t know. Maybe she’s checking them in.”

Daughter: “Really?”

Father: “No. I think she’s going to steal them.”

(I look up, confused, and I’m about to interject when the father walks over to the head librarian’s door.)

Me: “Um, sir?”

Father: “Quiet, thief!” *knocks on the librarians door*

Head Librarian: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Father: “That girl over there, who is clearly not authorized to run those machines, was stealing your books!”

Me: “I was checking them out to put them into the send boxes.”

Father: “No! I clearly saw you stuff books into your pockets!”

Coworker: “Sir, she doesn’t have any pockets.”

Father: “I meant down her shirt!”

(Note: I am wearing a tight fitting shirt. If so much as a piece of paper had been under my shirt, it would have been very visible. Needless to say, there are clearly no books under my shirt.)

Father: “Fine! If you don’t believe me, I’m calling the cops!”

Head Librarian: “Sir, she was not stealing books! Please do not call the police!”

(The father ignores the head librarian and proceeds to dial the police anyway. The operator on the other end of the phone is speaking loud enough for us to hear.)

Father: “Excuse me, I’d like to report a girl stealing books at the ***** Library.”

Operator: “Sir, are you a member of the library staff?”

Father: “No, but I saw it happen!”

Operator: “Well, I’m sorry, sir, but—”

Father: “…and she planted a bomb!”

Me: “What?!”

Operator: *sighs audibly* “Right. We’ll send a bomb squad…”

(Five minutes later, there is indeed a bomb squad outside the library doors. They end up having to clear out the library, search me, and go through the entire library with bomb-dogs.)

Daughter: *to her father* “How come you said she planted a bomb? She didn’t!”

(When the police heard that, they arrested the father. I got a week off.)

quote:

We arrived in Le Mans as dawn was breaking and found the little hippy family-run pension where the festival organisers were putting us up. Bleary-eyed but generous to a fault, the owners ushered us into a large sunny room with a patio and rustled up some breakfast: coffee, croissant, scrambled eggs.

"What the gently caress's this?" asked the drummer, holding up a croissant as if it were a live snake. "Ain't yow got no normal toast?"

Some normal toast was found. We ate in relative silence - "I'm seriously weakened by these eggs" - for a while until even this was broken by a loud splat and a chortle. The drummer had thrown his plate of eggs at the wall; the yellow amorphous mass slid down to the skirting board. The owner looked like she was going to cry. I completely lost it.

"What is your bastard problem, you ignorant peasant? These people are feeding and housing you for nothing, moreover they are paying you good money to play your stupid, childish, tuneless drivel. We are covering it for the NME and it is, rest assured, the only half-decent publicity you will ever receive. No one gives a flying gently caress about your Peel sessions or your half-baked politics. You are a wanker of the first order and you should go down on your hands and knees and thank G-d daily that a dimwit and an arsehole such as yourself is being pampered like this rather than cleaning toilets or some other job more suited to your station."

I'd like to think at this point that I turned to address the room and apologised to any toilet cleaners having breakfast but I can't be sure. I finished with a flourish. "Go and apologise to that nice lady over there, then clean that mess up and come and finish your breakfast, you pathetic knobhead."

NobbytheSheep posted:

The owner looked like she was going to cry.

sweeperbravo posted:

uh huh


Also, "yow?" What the gently caress accent says "yow" instead of "you?"

quote:

I got a week off.

quote:

Allergic Overreaction
Pharmacy | Yorkshire, England, UK | Health & Body, Wild & Unruly

(I work at a large chemist’s shop in North Yorkshire. I am about halfway through my shift when a woman comes running into the shop and up to the register. She is scratching herself really fast and making weird faces.)

Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “ALLERGIC REACTION!”

Me: “I’m sorry…?”

Customer: “ALLERGIC REACTION!”

Me: “Okay… what about it?”

Customer: “ARE YOU STUPID OR WHAT? I NEED MEDICINE! ALLERGIC REACTION!”

(I was quite alarmed by this point and other customers in the shop were starting to stare.)

Me: “Right, what caused your reaction? Is it animal related, or—”

Customer: *scratching like mad* “I DON’T KNOW! ALLERGIC REACTION!”

Me: “Yes, but to give you the correct medication we need to know what caused your reaction. What—”

Customer: “I DON’T F****** KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT! ALLERGIC REACTION! GIVE ME SOMETHING TO MAKE IT STOP ITCHING!”

Me: “But, ma’am…”

(The customer was now running around the store pulling items from the shelves before throwing them to the ground.)

Customer: “WHERE IS THE F****** ALLERGIC REACTION MEDICINE? I NEED IT NOW!”

(The manager, hearing the commotion, runs out from the back room.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I NEED MEDICATION FOR AN ALLERGIC REACTION AND THIS F****** S*** WON’T GIVE ME IT!”

Manager: “What caused your reaction, ma’am?”

Customer: “I. DON’T. F******. KNOW!”

Manager: “In that case we can’t help you. Have a nice day, ma’am.”

Customer: “F*** YOU! WHEN I DIE I’M GONNA COME GET YOU FIRED!”

(The customer runs out of the store screaming ‘ALLERGIC REACTION!’)

Tunicate posted:

Man, who would write something like that?

Aleph Null posted:

Could have been solved with, "Benadryl, aisle 3."

Aleph Null posted:

Could have been solved with, "Benadryl, aisle 3."

Murphy Brownback posted:

Also how can an adult not know what antihistamines are?