posted:

*ring*

Me: Hello?

Them: Hello sir, I am calling from *A Market Research Company*. Would you be willing to take a short study with us?

Me: Absolutely! We here at Evermoon Consulting are always ready to provide opinion based data to our clients!

Them: Um... Ok? Anyway, the survey just takes about 5 minutes and when finished you are entered into a drawing to win a 3 day vacation to Cancun.

Me: That will not be needed. Our usual remuneration per our standard service agreement is all that is required. However please be aware that our lowest billable period is one hour and this call will be billed for an hour of service even if only five minutes is used.

Them: No sir, this will only take five minutes not an hour.

Me: I understand, however your firm will still be billed the minimum hour as per our services agreements. That comes to $225. How would you like to take care of this today? Do you have billing set up with us already? If so I just need the corporate code for your company.

Them: I don't have that... This only enters you for a trip sir.

Me: Ok, that's alright sir. We can set this up on a company credit card for a small fee. Your new total will be $257.98, sir. Go ahead and give me the credit card number sir.

Them: What credit card?! We aren't paying $257 for this!

Me: Oh, you are absolutely right sir! I am so sorry! We are talking after 6pm CDT so you are correct that we are in "premium time". That is correspondingly higher. You total will be $517.54. Thank you for reminding me!

Them: What?! No... No... We can call you after 6pm. The law says we can call until 9pm.

Me: Evermoon Consulting prides itself on meeting our customers needs 24 hours a day sir, but between 6pm and 6am is premium time. I am ready for that credit card number now sir.

Them: Look, I just have the calls routed to me. I didn't call you, a computer did.

Me: Oh, I see.

Them: Yeah, so can we just get to the survey?

Me: Yes, but I will have to add our auto-dialer fee to the charges. It's due to our consultants time being so valuable that we do this to keep them from having their time wasted. With that fee your new total is $759.99. What are the first four digits of the card you would like us to use, please?

Them: Hold on for my supervisor please.

Me: Ok.

*5 minutes later*

Supervisor: Hello sir, I understand there is a problem?

Me: None at all. Your total charges for one hour of premium time consulting with auto-dialer charge and supervisor level respondent fee with credit card processing is $1163.67. Will this be on a MasterCard, Visa, or American Express today?

Supervisor: For what?!

Me: Consulting on your survey of course. What method of payment will you be using today?

*click*

PUGGERNAUT posted:

Lowly posted:

What is the "lobby" of a McDonalds?

Lowly posted:

What is the "lobby" of a McDonalds?

quote:

This Will Become Herb And Legend
Restaurant | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I am working as a bartender in a posh Upper East Side Italian restaurant that often has long waits for tables. Customers are encouraged to order drinks and appetizers from the bar. We have just begun offering Neapolitan style pizzas as an appetizer. An older, affluent couple sits down in the bar area and proceeds to order drinks and ask about our different pizza offerings.)

Customer: “Could you tell us a little more about your white pizza.”

Me: “Yes, sir. It is a thin Neapolitan style pizza topped with olive oil and an herb and cheese blend.”

Customer: “Excuse me, but do we look like saggy pants wearing, hip hop rap loving, people? This is an affluent, sophisticated neighborhood. Why would you even consider serving us urban cheese. Do we look like we are on welfare?”

Customer’s Wife: *loudly* “I mean, my god, what would make you think your customers would ever pay $14 for something with urban cheese on it. I am disgusted at the thought.”

Me: “I am terribly sorry to have caused you so much concern. I believe I may have spoken too fast and caused a misunderstanding. The pizza bianca con erbe e formaggio is a pizza without tomato sauce, instead it is made with olive oil and an HERRRB and cheese blend.”

(They asked for a moment to think about it, and as I returned to the bar I noticed they very quietly got up and left the restaurant.)

Tunicate posted:

Tunicate posted:

Decrepus posted:

Herb (with the H pronounced) is reserved as a name for older black men.

Facepalm Ranger posted:

Can someone explain the origins of Americans pronouncing "Herb" as "Errb"?

Seems unnecessary.

Tunicate posted:

This Will Become Herb And Legend
Restaurant | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I am working as a bartender in a posh Upper East Side Italian restaurant that often has long waits for tables. Customers are encouraged to order drinks and appetizers from the bar. We have just begun offering Neapolitan style pizzas as an appetizer. An older, affluent couple sits down in the bar area and proceeds to order drinks and ask about our different pizza offerings.)

Customer: “Could you tell us a little more about your white pizza.”

Me: “Yes, sir. It is a thin Neapolitan style pizza topped with olive oil and an herb and cheese blend.”

Customer: “Excuse me, but do we look like saggy pants wearing, hip hop rap loving, people? This is an affluent, sophisticated neighborhood. Why would you even consider serving us urban cheese. Do we look like we are on welfare?”

Customer’s Wife: *loudly* “I mean, my god, what would make you think your customers would ever pay $14 for something with urban cheese on it. I am disgusted at the thought.”

Me: “I am terribly sorry to have caused you so much concern. I believe I may have spoken too fast and caused a misunderstanding. The pizza bianca con erbe e formaggio is a pizza without tomato sauce, instead it is made with olive oil and an HERRRB and cheese blend.”

(They asked for a moment to think about it, and as I returned to the bar I noticed they very quietly got up and left the restaurant.)

Byzantine posted:

The word was pronounced "erb" until the 1800s. By then we'd left the Empire.

TheObserver posted:

I'm just trying to imagine what "urban cheese" would be even made from; rat's milk?

dijon du jour posted:

Last time I was at Disney World as me and my parents were looking at our map trying to find the Tiki Room Peter Pan ran up to us and pointed out some Peter Pan-themed ride on said map and my whole family was very uncomfortable at how unnaturally chipper he was.


Oh, and, then, uh, he told me to stop cutting myself or something.

canyoneer posted:

IMGUR is a goldmine.
Those ones are old favorites. HERES A NEW ONE (new to me)


I'd bet $100 that whoever wrote that is both in high school and is not in a wheelchair.

davidspackage posted:

Plus referring to visitors as stinky pirates is punishable by caning until death occurs, at which point your carcass is transported to the animatronic conversion lab.

Intoner posted:

It's great that you've enjoyed the story. Since the people demands it I'll tell of the time Lee paid Kokoro back for time in high school.

Many times I wondered why my ex Kasumi was even befriended with Kokoro, every time I've asked him why, he didn't have a good explanation. I could guess it was about solidarity, that anime freaks must stick together or some other incomprehensible poo poo. And Kokoro must have felt pretty cool about making fun of a guy who's many times stronger than him without being afraid of any consequences.

Lee wasn't a born entertainer, but the way he talked so enthusiastically about any topic as soon as he noticed you were interested was hilarious, especially the way he was overacting like in old Asian movies with all the slap stick comedy.
Besides Kokoro he was mobbed by some German dudes which I suppose were Nazi assholes. They picked on him just because he was Asian. And Lee would never react to it because he was afraid of being suspended if he beat up somebody.

So High School time came to an end and nothing had changed..

Fastforward to Kasumi's 21st Birthday. Many friends of his were invited and it had been a long time since we had seen Lee and it was overall a nice evening full of gaming and laughing - Kokoro being his grotty self could have been ignored most of the time.

Hours later Kokoro, Lee and a third friend of Kasumi left and took a few busses together. After a while the third guy needed to take another bus and Kokoro and Lee were all alone.
It was late at night and though it was rather bright because of the street lamps, there were nearly no people close. The rain poured down and both guys waited for their bus.

At that time Lee was even stronger than in high school as he was making a living as a semi-pro boxer - he would have to quit later as he was punching way too hard and his knuckles were pretty damaged because of it.

Lee : Yo Kokoro. Do you remember how much of an rear end you were in high school?
Kokoro : Huh, what do you mean?
L : All the racist poo poo you spouted and the times you'd provoke me for no reason because you knew I wouldn't beat up scum like you.
K : Huh. So what about it?
L : You never apologized for it! *slightly agitated*
K : You serious?
L : drat serious. We're not in school anymore, we're adults.. you should apologize for the poo poo you done, like a man.
K : As if.

Suddenly Lee grabbed Kokoro by the front of his jacket and pulled his rear end with him at full force. The fatty tried to struggle, but he had no chance and Lee brought them out in rain where nobody could see them. There he pushed him away from him.

: What the gently caress man, what's gotten into you?
: Apologize.
: Like hell I would.
: Apologize or I'm going to hit you. Really hard.
: .... what...?
: I'm going to beat you up.
: LOL (he literally said "lol", another terrible habit of his). You didn't hit me in high school, so I doubt you'd do it now. If you try I'm gonna press charges on assault-
: You won't be able to press charges when I kill you.
: ................. w-w-wha-.......
: I'm going to kill you and hide you, so nobody will ever find you!

That was when Kokoro turned ghostly pale and stared in shock, as Lee spoke to him dead serious how he would kill him if he didn't apologize. Kokoro started to shake and tried to lighten the mood with a nervous laugh, but it was no use.

Lee was getting impatient and grasped Kokoro at his collar. In the next moment the latter felt a small gust of wind and Lee's fist smashed into the wall next to his head (no wonder he had to stop boxing sooner or later). His hand hurt like hell, the wall was undamaged, but it must have been loud enough to scare the poo poo out of Kokoro.
As soon Lee took a few steps away from him again, Kokoro teared up and was nearly crying.

: Okay, okay, I'll apologize, I'll apologize. I'm sorry.
: No, not like this! On your knees.
: I-I'm sorry..
: DOWN ON YOUR KNEES! OR I'LL loving KILL YOU!

And there he went down on his knees while the ground was sopping wet and the rain was pouring down on them. His voice cracked, he started to sob and tears trickled down his face together with the rain.

: I'M SORRYYY. I'M SO SORRY LEE. I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY... I MEAN IT...

Lee let that sink in a little and he was satisfied with the apology. But then things got pretty strange.

Two police men were coming their way and stopped to take a quick look at the scene. There were two guys out in the rain, both on the smaller side, one Asian, the other Turk. The Turk was on his knees on the dirty, wet ground, the other stood a few steps away from him upright, both looking a little confused and surprised.
Then one police man went slowly towards Lee, reaching with his hand towards his shoulder, his face a little worried.

: Is everything alright here? Are you okay?

Obviously nothing was right for Kokoro but the police seemed to think the little Asian guy had been threatened by some evil Turk on his way home or something. Lee smiled and explained that everything was fine, Kokoro was getting back on his feet and confirmed that nothing happened, he just slipped and fell.

The police went on and Lee noticed that his bus was standing around the corner ready to depart. He turned to Kokoro, grinning and talking in his usual enthusiastic way.

: Thanks, Kokoro. See you.

Then he ran to catch his bus and left Kokoro standing there.

vaguely posted:

yes this is a thing that totally happened

Serperoth posted:

Didn't some Tumblr people have a crush on one of the actors that play Peter Pan, based off of one of these STDH things? I seem to recall something about harassing him and his girlfriend, but the details are fuzzy.

PUGGERNAUT posted:

People who are REALLY into Disney are weird as gently caress.

TIFU posted:

I'll preface this by saying that my love for hot sauce borders masochism. I often carry a bottle of Dave's Insanity Sauce or the like wherever I go. Redditting on my phone and about to add said sauce to my salad, I didn't bother to look up before habitually giving the bottle a good shake. I'm not sure when or how the cap on the bottle broke but as soon as I gave the first upward shake, the cap flew off, followed by a steady stream of red all over my right shoulder. Upset, I grabbed napkins and was about to clean myself off. Within seconds, the shrill screams tore through the grocery store alerting me and everyone else to the horror unfolding.
This poor baby, who, only seconds ago, was fast asleep, had been awakened by an unnaturally spicy sauce around his eyes, nose and mouth. He had already started to rub them in an attempt to relieve the pain, exacerbating the burning. His mom grabbed napkins and ran to the sink to soak them. In desperation, I took my cold coconut water (with chunks) and proceeded to poor it on the child's face.
15 minutes later, the ambulance showed up. A store employee had called paramedics. They took the kid and mother to the ambulance to properly care for him and probably take him to a hospital. At this moment of relative calm, I realize the crowd who had gathered to help had sharply focused their attention on me. It felt like the end of The Birds. I stepped carefully (with my salad and hot sauce in hand) through an eerily quiet crowd, hoping to not evoke a brutal attack. As I walked past the ambulance, I offered my card to the mother, asked her to please send me the medical bill and repeated my profuse apologies. They were not well received.
TL;DR: Cap broke on insanely hot sauce and accidentally sprayed a stranger's baby in the face with it.
Edit: Thank you for the gold and the comforting remarks. Still no word from the mother. I don't know if that is a good thing or she's formulating a plan of attack. And yes, I definitely should have put my finger on the cap before shaking.