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Just hold firm. My mother-in-law is constantly harping on us to do things like she did 30 years ago. She would not stop going on about needing to stop breast feeding and switching to formula at 1 month. To the point where we would have shouting matches with her over it. We eventually told her to knock it off or she'd never get to visit when she told us pediatricians don't have the best interest of our daughter in mind like she does. She's moved on to other things we're doing wrong in her mind, but she's toned it down a lot after that.
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Dec 26, 2014 15:30
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Nope no abuse or nothing. I credit my fiancee with turning me into a decent responsible adult who helped pulled me out of a very deep dark hole. In fact if it wasn't for her, I'd still be the same immature stoner I was six years ago. That's what I really don't get about this whole thing. She's done great things for me and my parents just don't see it. Ah well. At this point I'm really beyond caring anymore. I tole them last year that I wouldn't keep arguing or falling out and making up. Guess I'll have to stick to it now!
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Dec 26, 2014 15:30
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ActusRhesus posted:You're making the right call. Unless your fiancée is abusive to you or your kid or has other serious issues, your spouse (future spouse) and kid need to come first. The fact they are trying to drive a wedge between you is super lovely. This. Though give them some time to cool off after the holidays and then try inviting them over for dinner or something (tea? I hear that's a thing in some places). Hopefully they won't try to ask that your fiancée not be present in your own house. It would be a shame to throw out the relationship completely if that can be avoided, and it sounds like they feel the same even if they're not yet willing to extend that to your fiancée yet. Tell them that all of your family is important to you and that you want your daughter to have a good relationship with everyone, that your different parenting style is not an attack on them but just your way of doing what you feel is best for your daughter, and that you'd like them to respect that. Edit: well, if this isn't the first time you've gone through this then it may not work any better than last time. But I'm an optimist  .It's a little late now, but I also have to say that if your fiancée and mother don't get along, why is she the one confronting your mother about these things? That should be your job. Choadmaster fucked around with this message at 15:36 on Dec 26, 2014 |
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Dec 26, 2014 15:33
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lorddazron posted:loving Families, man Just want to say you're not alone. I think everyone at some point has to establish to their families that they'll choose their kids over their parents/siblings, especially if you're the first one of your siblings to have kids. On another note: Is there any loving way to hammer in that I do not want people visiting my house if they're sick? We had my husbands family over for xmas eve, and halfway through dinner his brother starts coughing this horrible phlegmy cough and was just like "ugh I was sitting in between two coughing guys a couple days ago and now I'm coming down with something" and now my kid is starting to cough. This is an ongoing thing where my husbands dad or sister or brother will not tell us when they're sick and they'll come over anyway because it's "just a cold", but it's turned into bronchitis every other time for my little dude and we all end up losing out on 3 weeks of sleep. I know kids get sick but god drat use some common sense.
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Dec 26, 2014 15:42
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Choadmaster posted:
We have an understanding that my husband has all difficult/potentially confrontational conversations with his family and I do the same with mine.
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Dec 26, 2014 17:26
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I'm in both the "annoying in law" and "why are you coming over if you're sick" dilemmas this holiday season. My brother, who hasn't met his niece yet, came down with the flu. And on the DAY he got the flu I texted him "hope you feel better" and he comes back with "can't wait to meet my little niece!" (he was supposed to come over today). I was like "uh... sorry dude but no. You're sick and I'm not risking giving a four month old the flu." Every time I'm sick I stay away from little kids - even well before I had my own. How is "you're sick stay away" not common sense to most people? It's just mind blowing. And infuriating that people, especially family, put you in positions of feeling like you have to tip toe around it. I can be straight forward without a problem, I just don't like being in the position of feeling like I'm going to hurt somebody's feelings because of it. And then the in-law. I know she means well most of the time, but I swear she has this attitude of "thanks for giving me a grandbaby, you can step aside now." I think she would rather her and her daughter raise the kid and I just not be in the picture. Luckily she lives two hours away so she isn't over every day. But she came over for Christmas and brought some sweet potatoes baby foods. Now we JUST started experimenting with a tiny bit of rice cereal in the breastmilk and the doctor gave us the okay for once a week veggie feedings to start to make the switch over to formula and foods over the coming months, but my in-law didn't know that. She just said "ohh I brought some sweet potatoes and we're gonna eat them tonight! I've been dying to feed you food!" Didn't ask us, just basically was gonna do it like it was her own baby. So infuriating. In the end I was okay with it, but not before I made it clear that it wasn't okay to just think you can do whatever you want with my baby. Also she's been trying to cram food down that baby's throat since she came out of the womb. And then there's the crying situation. Eleanor loves to be held and walked around and frankly I don't mind doing it. She's four months old and it makes her happy. But my mother in law REFUSES to do it. Like, she'll be sitting there crying and nana is holding her and she just says "you're a faker, I'm not getting up...nope...not gonna do it." It's just so.. negative. Like she's a goddamned baby...WALK HER AROUND! And then my brother in law, a 20 year old kid who happens to work at a child care development center at a university (he has no actual training or education in child care), now thinks he's a behavioral professional. They both refuse to do anything to soothe the baby and insist that we're spoiling the child by comforting her. They were discussing it in the kitchen yesterday (after several unsuccessful attempts at trying to get Eleanor to nap - she had been completely overstimulated by Christmas and couldn't sleep) and it was just so... depressing. Talking about a baby like some sort of annoyance or commodity to be trained. So finally I just snapped and said "You know what? She's four loving months old and sometimes wants to be held and comforted. So how about you do it next time instead of trying to train my baby? Thanks." Of course they went off and sulked because apparently they're 13 years old and if you get on to them they stop talking and stop making eye contact and just sulk like babies. And now my wife is mad because I snapped at her family, but goddamn the constant flow of critical comments by people that aren't with that child day in and day out are loving infuriating. People loving suck. Ugh. Okay. Venting over.
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Dec 26, 2014 18:00
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Ugh, relatives wanting to feed your kids. I took my son to visit my grandmother when he was not quite six months old, and I wanted to celebrate his six-month birthday at home, with my husband, by giving him his first not-from-me food. So naturally my mom tried to convince me for weeks beforehand that I should let my grandmother feed said not-quite-six-month-old some rice cereal, because she fed me my first food, after all... fortunately she gave up, but I can only imagine how much more conflict it would have been if it had been my in-laws and not my own mom. :| (in your place I would have spontaneously combusted at the "I'm gonna feed you food!!!!" attitude, so well done for only snapping at your in-laws once, I guess?)
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Dec 26, 2014 19:32
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Old ladies have zero baby boundaries. I was talking to a friend's wife at a wedding reception while she was holding her 6 month old. She got to talking about how old ladies will just touch or even take the baby whenever they feel like, which was rather unfathomable to me (either because I'm a guy, or because I'm not loving nuts). I thought she was exaggerating until five minutes later some old lady walks up and says "Oh, cute!" and literally pulls the baby from her grasp without a second thought  .
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Dec 26, 2014 19:48
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What I've really noticed is that grandparents have completely forgotten or just have an obviously incorrect memory of what we were like as babies or how to actually care for a child. They think they're experts but are actually terribly incompetent. We had a random 17-year-old girl babysit our toddler and she managed to feed him, bathe him, and put him to bed no problem. Like a month later we left him with grandma and when we got home 3 hours past his bedtime, he was flying around the living room playing like a maniac. Her explanation was that he didn't want to go to bed (hint: toddlers don't want to go to bed).
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Dec 26, 2014 19:53
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I'm convinced parenting amnesia is a thing after your kids are grown.
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Dec 26, 2014 20:02
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I have totally blacked out the first four months of my twins' life so I am absolutely sure that getting parenting amnesia must be a thing! Hopefully mine will kick back in once the girls get into K-Pop or whatever godawful pop music thing will be in vogue 12 years from now.
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Dec 26, 2014 20:12
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Yay! Bitching about grandparents! We also have the rule that any "hard" conversations to grandparents have to be done by the actual blood family member. That means its my husband's job to tell his parents we will no longer be visiting them at their house because its dirty and disgusting and the last time we spent the night (its about 4 hours away) they were up literally all night ragingly drunk and screaming and cursing at each other. We almost left at 3am because of it, but Jasper slept through the whole thing. If he had woken up at any point we would have been gone. I have to deal with my mom not respecting the rules we put in place to the point its disrespectful. She also has issues with depression and...I don't know. Some other sort of mental issues. It makes her super hard to deal with. She's been visiting for Christmas with my Dad and brother and has literally spent the entire time moping and not talking to us and getting butt-hurt at the drop of a hat. My husband "snapped" at her once because he couldn't deal with her. Snapped is too strong of a work to use. Jasper was being fussy like a 2 natural 2 year old and he was dealing with him and my mom wouldn't stop meddling and getting all in the kid's face waving around pieces of bacon and he said. "Its fine I got it." and that caused her not to speak to us for the entire day. Its been a really hard visit this time and I'm going to have to have a hard conversation with her that she can't spend next Christmas sitting on the couch crying all day or being a bitch to everyone and drinking a liter of vodka and passing out on the couch. She's looking for me right now because she wants to talk to me and my husband, but I've been hiding in the bathroom.
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Dec 26, 2014 20:13
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Papercut posted:What I've really noticed is that grandparents have completely forgotten or just have an obviously incorrect memory of what we were like as babies or how to actually care for a child. They think they're experts but are actually terribly incompetent. We had a random 17-year-old girl babysit our toddler and she managed to feed him, bathe him, and put him to bed no problem. Like a month later we left him with grandma and when we got home 3 hours past his bedtime, he was flying around the living room playing like a maniac. Her explanation was that he didn't want to go to bed (hint: toddlers don't want to go to bed). She wanted to spend more time with her grandkids maybe?
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Dec 26, 2014 20:14
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You guys are REALLY making me appreciate my inlaws/parents.
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Dec 26, 2014 20:18
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I guess my brother should consider himself lucky that our mom told him she'd spent enough years dealing with diapers and she wouldn't babysit more than once a week. (She actually does a great job afaik; certainly better than his brother who refuses to touch a diaper at all )
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Dec 26, 2014 20:25
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Volmarias posted:She wanted to spend more time with her grandkids maybe? Even if that had been the case, it would have been a terrible excuse. It's literally the opposite of being a responsible adult. You can only have one child in the caretaker-child relationship.
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Dec 26, 2014 20:36
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I feel guilty asking my parents to babysit :/ It's why I've never asked them. I don't want to ask anyone really, it seems like such an imposition. Even if they did I would want to pay them, but I'm super weird about inconveniencing anyone.
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Dec 26, 2014 20:36
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I've got a hellish mother-in-law too. The best thing we've found is to take the good advice, and explicitly reject the bad instead of ignoring it. "No, we're not going to do X because we believe Y, but thank you for the advice." It's really hard to do since we're both confrontation adverse. The hardest thing for us is getting her to do what we want when she is watching him. Some fun examples for your friday afternoon reading pleasure... Taking a picture of our son riding their miniature donkey. Wouldn't have been so bad if my wife hadn't asked them to not allow him to ride the donkey that morning. I mean.. take a picture? That's just rubbing it in her face. Just in case it was confusing... a miniature donkey is a large, heavy, dumb, animal that people in suburbia usually don't own. The insistence that the organic fruit/veg puree pouches are somehow horrible for the kid and filled with bad chemicals. She was relieved and complimented us when she saw him eating some Wendy's fries... Her disbelief that a cold sore is contagious and it's perfectly ok to kiss the kid with one. Her insistence of using a third-hand who-knows-how-old car seat that she got from a family friend who got it from a yardsale. And then when we rejected that, her taking him in the car to a neighbor's house with a seat belt on. He's 2.5. (This one was the last-straw for us) So, we just don't leave the kid over there alone any more. We're lucky since both sets of grandparents are nearby. My mom loves it since she gets to babysit more often.
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Dec 26, 2014 20:40
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CelestialScribe posted:I feel guilty asking my parents to babysit :/ It's why I've never asked them. I don't want to ask anyone really, it seems like such an imposition. Have the talk with your parents and ask them if they want to. They might secretly be feeling hurt because you haven't asked and they really want to.
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Dec 26, 2014 20:43
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Six year old just broke her collarbone: any goon wisdom to apply, or is it just keep it in the sling and wait it out?
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Dec 26, 2014 20:45
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This thread is always so amazing to read the day after a major family-gathering holiday.
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Dec 26, 2014 20:59
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Spent Christmas with the entire family and all I can say is: THANK GOD I wasn't pregnant over any major family holidays. My poor cousin's wife is pregnant right now and I got to witness the hilarity. An aunt sat there and told her "well the worst is all those people that want to give you unsolicited child-raising advice. The best thing you can do is just nod your head and say thanks and just go ahead and do whatever works for you." and then proceeded to spend more than an hour making GBS threads out unsolicited baby-raising advice, the great majority of which was totally outdated because her youngest is 20 years old and recommendations have changed. I've got it so easy on parenting advice. It's not that I didn't get the advice, because I did. It's just that I got to stare blankly at them and go "hmm, well that's against the recommendation of all 4 of his therapy providers and 8 specialist physicians, so we won't be doing that." Eventually they all got bored of being overruled and stopped offering poo poo up. I think my favorite piece of advice was from the same aunt mentioned above who told me "that whole thing about how they aren't supposed to sleep more than a few hours at a time when they're newborns is just silly. Don't wake him up to feed him, let him sleep as long as he can." Super great advice, considering my premature baby weighed 4lbs and his neonatalogist was strongly considering placing a permanent feeding tube because he was solidly in failure to thrive territory for months.
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Dec 26, 2014 21:58
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Fionnoula posted:Spent Christmas with the entire family and all I can say is: THANK GOD I wasn't pregnant over any major family holidays. My poor cousin's wife is pregnant right now and I got to witness the hilarity. An aunt sat there and told her "well the worst is all those people that want to give you unsolicited child-raising advice. The best thing you can do is just nod your head and say thanks and just go ahead and do whatever works for you." and then proceeded to spend more than an hour making GBS threads out unsolicited baby-raising advice, the great majority of which was totally outdated because her youngest is 20 years old and recommendations have changed. The biggest problem I have is that confronting people with evidence results in "well the doctors don't know everything" or "it worked for us 30 years ago" or "not everything on the internet is true" (never mind that I'm reading a research report decades in the making). I mean congratulations that you barely escaped killing your kid in an asbestos laden house filled with lead paint and cribs full of loose bedding... still doesn't mean it's appropriate for babies now.
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Dec 26, 2014 22:18
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My in laws have, like, a million kids older than ours, so it's worth the visit in the sheer amount of usee clothes and toys we get. They haven't tried to give me any advice at least, possibly because they're still trying to figure out their kids.
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Dec 26, 2014 22:18
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Axiem posted:This thread is always so amazing to read the day after a major family-gathering holiday. Lucky for me the worst I got was second-hand frustrated on behalf of my sister-in-law's extended family's kids. Those people are way loving overprotective. If the kids even considered going outside to play - in a fenced back yard at the end of a deserted dead-end whitebread suburban street - they were denied. Just before I left at 6 pm they tried again and mom yelled at them "I told you not to go outside! And now it's DARK!!" I couldn't help myself and yelled too: "The darkness will consume you!!" I don't know if the parents got the snark but at least it was satisfying.
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Dec 26, 2014 22:42
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sebmojo posted:Six year old just broke her collarbone: any goon wisdom to apply, or is it just keep it in the sling and wait it out? I broke mine in my twenties. I had a figure of 8 splint besides the sling. Different takes on that per doctor though. Just keep it in the splint. They heal fast. Don't let her rebreak it a week in like I did by a sudden movement. Blinding pain! Way worse than the initial break.
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Dec 26, 2014 23:15
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Fionnoula posted:Spent Christmas with the entire family and all I can say is: THANK GOD I wasn't pregnant over any major family holidays. My poor cousin's wife is pregnant right now and I got to witness the hilarity. An aunt sat there and told her "well the worst is all those people that want to give you unsolicited child-raising advice. The best thing you can do is just nod your head and say thanks and just go ahead and do whatever works for you." and then proceeded to spend more than an hour making GBS threads out unsolicited baby-raising advice, the great majority of which was totally outdated because her youngest is 20 years old and recommendations have changed. They didn't do a bad job, but its a tough gig and it's easy to take too much advice and I think they might have taken the doctrines of the day far too seriously. My mother got drunk one night and broke down crying about how bad a mother she was because she unquestioningly followed the advice of her hospital and health care nurses. Case in point. Our second child (of four) came home from hospital screaming and screaming for days after the first week. Instead of picking her up one night I decided to watch her. Don't ask me how but it soon became apparent to me that she just hated being swaddled and being placed on her back. I unwrapped her and flipped her over on to her tummy. Asleep in thirty seconds. She's still the same. Hates being wrapped up in a blanket or sleeping bag. Long story short, advice can be useful to really crap parents but you should play the situation on its merits.
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Dec 27, 2014 06:49
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BonoMan posted:
That makes me so sad. Crying babies aren't faking! You should start baby wearing because it's great for babies that want to be held all day, and you can rub it in her face how chill she is when you're wearing her.
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Dec 27, 2014 08:00
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This was our first Christmas with no family in town, and it was GLORIOUS! It was me, my husband and our three kids in PJs all day. We Skyped with family, took our time opening gifts, spent the afternoon assembling all the toys and figuring out how they work, and just relaxing. We're having a delayed celebration in a week when everyone is back in town from their travels. I highly recommend blowing everyone off to create new traditions for yourselves!
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Dec 27, 2014 08:38
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BonoMan posted:The biggest problem I have is that confronting people with evidence results in "well the doctors don't know everything" or "it worked for us 30 years ago" or "not everything on the internet is true" (never mind that I'm reading a research report decades in the making). Same here with my parents. They honest to god do not believe in any of the health warnings etc about smoking, even so far as blaming stopping smoking for contributing to my grandma's stroke and subsequent passing (she smoked for 40+ years and had a stroke not long after she quit). Luckily they haven't had too much opportunity to be alone with my daughter and being an ex smoker myself, I would smell any stale smoke because it's the most disgusting smell on the planet that also happens to give me headaches. As for the earlier comments on why my fiancée was talking to my parents, well I have a strange relationship with my mother and the honest answer is that I needed to grow a pair of balls when it came to her. When it got to the point where my mother started coming between me and my fiancée I had a bit of a realisation so to speak. In hindsight I would have sent the message myself but I knew what was in it and approved it so to speak.
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Dec 27, 2014 08:38
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hepscat posted:That makes me so sad. Crying babies aren't faking! You should start baby wearing because it's great for babies that want to be held all day, and you can rub it in her face how chill she is when you're wearing her. My mom was annoyingly insistent about newborns crying just have t learn not to cry. She kept insisting we needed to let our kid cry himself to sleep asap (between 1 - 3 months old) so he'd learn. She was also angrily insistent that we turn his car seat around asap. For those curious what my mom wanted to talk to me about after I got out of hiding in the bathroom: It boiled down to that she's jealous I'm affectionate with my husband and son and not her. She dedicated her life to raising and loving my brother and I and I should be her BFF now and her life has sucked because she's wanted to leave my (pretty awesome and patient) dad since we were born. Why don't I cuddle and skype with her every day?! All family is leaving in about an hour. Hooray! Edit: She spent the hour sitting at the table silently crying while the rest of my family loaded up the car watching Jasper eat pickles and crackers for breakfast. Alterian fucked around with this message at 14:25 on Dec 27, 2014 |
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Dec 27, 2014 13:39
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My mom is also perplexed as to why my kid is still rear facing in a car seat. Apparently "because it is safer" isn't enough of a reason for her.
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Dec 27, 2014 14:59
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VorpalBunny posted:This was our first Christmas with no family in town, and it was GLORIOUS! It was me, my husband and our three kids in PJs all day. We Skyped with family, took our time opening gifts, spent the afternoon assembling all the toys and figuring out how they work, and just relaxing. We're having a delayed celebration in a week when everyone is back in town from their travels. I highly recommend blowing everyone off to create new traditions for yourselves! This was us too. It was awesome to be on our own but it was hard to make it feel more special than an ordinary day. It didn't help that both kids were absolute pills too.
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Dec 27, 2014 16:44
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hepscat posted:That makes me so sad. Crying babies aren't faking! You should start baby wearing because it's great for babies that want to be held all day, and you can rub it in her face how chill she is when you're wearing her. A few months ago we had our then one year old in a grocery store and he was whining and reaching to be picked up out of the cart and a total stranger looked at us as I picked him up and said "That baby gets whatever he wants! He's the boss of you." And I'm like yeah he's a god drat baby. And when he whined and pointed at the car grocery cart and I took him out of the normal one to put him in, it was the same thing with another stranger. You can't spoil a one year old! Am I supposed to not put him in the cart with the fake steering wheel to teach him some lesson? It costs me nothing but a half minute and a little maneuverability to make my kid happy, why wouldn't I?
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Dec 27, 2014 18:01
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sebmojo posted:Six year old just broke her collarbone: any goon wisdom to apply, or is it just keep it in the sling and wait it out? That's definitely an open-ended question probably addressed by a medical professional. How was the clavicle broken? Any difficulties breathing or general discomfort? Is the position of best comfort awkward-looking? I'd definitely err on the side of caution and have a pro take a look - the wife would murder me if I didn't. Please keep us posted, as our 15-month-old seems loving getting banged up and I'm trying my best avoiding a trip to the ER for a broken bone(s).
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Dec 27, 2014 18:56
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Pro-tip from someone who has broken around 10 bones in his life. For the most part an urgent care (talking about USA here) can handle a broken bone as well as an Er, costs less and is faster. The obvious difference is if the bone is sticking out of the skin. Thankfully I've only done that once. The Er said if the bone is sticking out, only a heart surgery patient would get the operating room before the broken bone. I found an urgent care near my house that has an orthopedic surgeon come in on the evenings a few days a week.
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Dec 27, 2014 19:20
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Papercut posted:My daycare in SF is $1450 per month, and that's on the low end. Preschool is a little cheaper on average, I assume because of the competition with public preschools. What.the.gently caress? That's 73% of my take-home monthly income. Granted, we're in a flyover state and work for non-profits (ergo, we don't make much) but seriously: what.the.gently caress? I know having kids is expensive, but that's [more than] mortgage money [in many states]. In childcare terms, I guess we lucked out. The grandmothers are happy keeing the sproggen on alternating weekdays.
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Dec 27, 2014 19:33
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As a counterpoint I can't say we have any issues with our parents handling our kids. Even if they might spoil them, give them sweets and stuff occasionally, that's what grandparents are for anyway as I see it. Last time my parents came here and watched over the kids they where asleep by 10pm and slept all the night through. That's better than what we manage on our own most of the time. My mom has often commented on how things differed when she was raising us and what they fed us back then at so and so age. But it's never been more than an observation and we're following the recommended guides set by doctors, not that I honestly see any problems with what they gave us either. We spent the 24th (the big day here) at my sisters and slept over at my parents and everyone met again there the 25th, and my uncle came too. It was two drama free happy days with family. E: Gotta post some christmasy pics too!   His Divine Shadow fucked around with this message at 20:30 on Dec 27, 2014 |
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Dec 27, 2014 20:11
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hooliganesh posted:What.the.gently caress? That's 73% of my take-home monthly income. Granted, we're in a flyover state and work for non-profits (ergo, we don't make much) but seriously: what.the.gently caress? I know having kids is expensive, but that's [more than] mortgage money [in many states]. Yeah, no kidding. We're currently a 1 income household with my wife staying home to take care of our daughter, but we were originally planning on her getting getting a job and paying for daycare eventually. At 1400 a month it wouldn't be worth it to do that though, so now we're kind of just scratching that idea.
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Dec 27, 2014 20:15
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The coastal cities have a way larger COL, although this is somewhat compensated by a larger typical salary. That number doesn't sound totally out of line with the northeast coast either.
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Dec 27, 2014 20:41
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