shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

bringmyfishback posted:

Boy, I bet that guy ate the whole chocolate-covered pizza without even realizing that it was white chocolate and not cheese! Because those things taste SO similar!

Wait, are they pizzas or pies? :psyduck:

# ? Dec 30, 2014 10:42

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# ? May 20, 2024 17:34

Noyemi K: Dec 9, 2012; youll always be so sleepy when youre this tiny *plompf*

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

Wait, are they pizzas or pies?

I think you're being facetious but "pie" is another way of referring to a pizza.

# ? Dec 30, 2014 10:58

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Drunk Tomato posted:

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

You get access to the exclusive reddit gold lounge, too.

What a bargain.

# ? Dec 30, 2014 11:15

Rudager: Apr 29, 2008

bringmyfishback posted:

Boy, I bet that guy ate the whole chocolate-covered pizza without even realizing that it was white chocolate and not cheese! Because those things taste SO similar!

Depending what other toppings are on it and the amount of white chocolate, that would also probably be somewhat tasty.

# ? Dec 30, 2014 12:09

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Noyemi K posted:

I think you're being facetious but "pie" is another way of referring to a pizza.

This must be an Americanism I've never encountered before. In Australia, this is a pizza:

And this is a pie:

I've literally never heard "pie" used to refer to a pizza. That's almost as weird as calling scones "biscuits". :psyduck:

I also agree that white chocolate on a pizza could, theoretically, be tasty. I've seen worse pizza topping combinations.

e: whoa that's a big pizza

# ? Dec 30, 2014 13:00

oldpainless: Oct 30, 2009; This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS 👥 - It's for your phone📲^TM� #ad📢

when the moon hits your eye
like a big pizza pie

# ? Dec 30, 2014 13:58

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

oldpainless posted:

when the moon hits your eye
like a big pizza pie

I've heard the phrase "pizza pie" and always assumed it was referring to pizza pockets or something (white and round like a moon or the white of an eye, with a bit bitten out to make the iris). But hearing deep dish pizzas referred to as "pies" is weird enough, let alone referring to standard American flat pizzas as pies... It's not right, I tell you. :mad:

# ? Dec 30, 2014 14:02

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

In actual content (hope this hasn't already been posted): earlier this month, a lone gunman held up a cafe/chocolate shop in Sydney, Australia. I'm not sure if it made much of an impact in international news. Either way, two hostages ended up dying, and the gunman was killed. Among his demands were to have an IS flag brought to him and to talk to the Prime Minister. From what I recall he didn't actually have any real connections to IS, though they've retroactively claimed him as one of their own.

Anyway, this, in various forms popped up on quite a few people's Facebooks and in news article comments:

Yes, it's a repurposed 9/11 meme :allears:

There also seem to be quite a few people whose dad's friend/cousin's fiancee/aunt's teacher did a small kindness to a Muslim gentleman who then decided to warn them of a vague event happening sometime in December or January. Needless to say many cops and other officials had to remind people that this did not, in fact, happen.

It's heartening at least that most people have been very good about this whole incident and realise it's the act of one hosed-up guy and not indicative of the Muslim community at large. :unsmith:

# ? Dec 30, 2014 14:17

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

This must be an Americanism I've never encountered before. In Australia, this is a pizza:

And this is a pie:

I've literally never heard "pie" used to refer to a pizza. That's almost as weird as calling scones "biscuits".

That's not a pie, that's a pot pie. :eng101:

This is a pie

I think "pizza pie" was the original term, and people just dropped it over time. Maybe it was already dropped before it made it down under. I don't think its just an Americanism, but it could be.

But if you think about it, a Pizza, a Pie, and a Meat pie are all the same thing with just different "fillings". With a standard "Pie" you've got a sweet filling, but with a meat pie or a pizza pie its different. But its a big flattened circle of dough with stuff in the middle, same concept. You say "meat pie" to differentiate it from a sweet "pie", so you'd say "pizza pie" to differentiate it from a meat pie or a sweet pie.

But then 100 years go by and now people eat WAY more pizza than they do pie, so calling it "pizza pie" sounds strange. So they dropped it.

But especially in older days "pizza pie" was pretty common. I heard it a ton in NY when I was younger. And its not just deep dish pizza, its any pizza. A pizza pie!
The more you know.

# ? Dec 30, 2014 16:48

Palisader: Mar 14, 2012; DESPAIR MORTALS, FOR I WISH TO PLAY PATTY-CAKE

Who the hell would keep white chocolate around for five years? The writer makes it seem as if her boss just had it set aside in case he ever needed to totally punk someone.

# ? Dec 30, 2014 16:57

ilysespieces: Oct 5, 2009; When life becomes too painful, sometimes it's better to just become a drunk.

Zaphod42 posted:

And its not just deep dish pizza, its any pizza. A pizza pie!
The more you know.

It's also a Brian Regan joke, which was the first time I realized not everyone knows "Let's order a pie" means pizza.

I tried looking on NAW and NAR for some content for this thread, but everything was so banal I couldn't even say that didn't happen, all I could think was "Who gives a gently caress?"

# ? Dec 30, 2014 18:04

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

http://gawker.com/marine-todd-is-an-awesomely-stupid-right-wing-meme-th-1555109402

Marine Todd STDH story was so STDH that people started running with it.

# ? Dec 30, 2014 18:49

Araenna: Dec 27, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

quote:

The guy says he's not paying the extra, thinking he's got us over a barrel. What are we going to do, throw out the pizzas, not get paid?

Isn't that exactly what you'd do? Why would you even keep him as a customer to begin with? Willing to bet that place is out of business.

Also, my parents are from New Jersey, and ordering a pie was a phrase I've heard/used quite a bit.

# ? Dec 30, 2014 23:46

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Araenna posted:

Also, my parents are from New Jersey, and ordering a pie was a phrase I've heard/used quite a bit.

Yeah. You're on the phone with the pizza dude, "I'd like a large pie, half plain, half sausage" etc.

Also I somehow misread the story as it was white chocolate for a five year old, like the guy was gonna make a birthday cake for his niece or something. Ew, yeah, why would that be a thing you'd keep around?

# ? Dec 31, 2014 00:05

Marley Wants More: Oct 22, 2005; woof

Because if he just bought it yesterday, it wouldn't have been as good a story.

# ? Dec 31, 2014 00:33

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Zaphod42 posted:

That's not a pie, that's a pot pie.

This is a pie

I think "pizza pie" was the original term, and people just dropped it over time. Maybe it was already dropped before it made it down under. I don't think its just an Americanism, but it could be.

But if you think about it, a Pizza, a Pie, and a Meat pie are all the same thing with just different "fillings". With a standard "Pie" you've got a sweet filling, but with a meat pie or a pizza pie its different. But its a big flattened circle of dough with stuff in the middle, same concept. You say "meat pie" to differentiate it from a sweet "pie", so you'd say "pizza pie" to differentiate it from a meat pie or a sweet pie.

But then 100 years go by and now people eat WAY more pizza than they do pie, so calling it "pizza pie" sounds strange. So they dropped it.

But especially in older days "pizza pie" was pretty common. I heard it a ton in NY when I was younger. And its not just deep dish pizza, its any pizza. A pizza pie!
The more you know.

sweeperbravo posted:

Yeah. You're on the phone with the pizza dude, "I'd like a large pie, half plain, half sausage" etc.

Also I somehow misread the story as it was white chocolate for a five year old, like the guy was gonna make a birthday cake for his niece or something. Ew, yeah, why would that be a thing you'd keep around?

hosed up if true.

Oh well, I guess this will be useful to know if I ever go to America. Next you'll be telling me you call chazzwazzas "bullfrogs" or some such nonsense.

# ? Dec 31, 2014 00:45

a real rude dude: Jan 23, 2005

Weird to read about somebody else who keeps five year old white chocolate shavings around, thought I was alone.

# ? Dec 31, 2014 01:54

Wandle Cax: Dec 15, 2006

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

hosed up if true.

Oh well, I guess this will be useful to know if I ever go to America. Next you'll be telling me you call chazzwazzas "bullfrogs" or some such nonsense.

If you ever go to America, CROWS EVERYWHERE, what a pizza is called will be the least of your concerns.

# ? Dec 31, 2014 05:42

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Wandle Cax posted:

If you ever go to America, CROWS EVERYWHERE, what a pizza is called will be the least of your concerns.

That's true, the US is terrifying. :catstare:

# ? Dec 31, 2014 07:22

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Here's proof the UK is pretty scary, too.

quote:

PHARMACY | HAMPSHIRE, ENGLAND, UK | BAD BEHAVIOR, HEALTH & BODY
Customer: �I�m allergic to tree pollen, but I don�t have hay fever, so don�t try to sell me any hay-fever medication!�

New Colleague: �Sir, an allergy to tree pollen is hay fever. If you take these it will help.�

Customer: �It say�s trainee on your badge. You don�t know what you�re talking about! I�d like to speak to a more senior member of staff!�

(The new colleague fetches me. I am 20 years younger than my colleague.)

Me: �What seems to be the problem, sir?�

Customer: �I asked to speak to a senior member of staff! Why are you getting involved?!�

Me: �As I�ve been here the longest. I am more than capable of answering any problems you may have.�

Customer: �This is ridiculous! You�re a child. You can�t possibly be able to deal with the responsibility! Get me someone more senior!�

(I go and get the pharmacist who has been listening to the whole thing.)

Customer: �Finally, an adult who knows what they�re doing! How can you leave a child in charge of your chemist counter?�

Pharmacist: �Well, sir, [My Name] has passed all of her courses with the highest mark we�ve ever seen in this store, so I�m perfectly happy to let her deal with any queries, but as I�m here � what�s the problem?

Customer: *looking sheepish* �I�m allergic to tree pollen and want something for it.�

Pharmacist: �That�s called hay fever; try an antihistamine.�

# ? Dec 31, 2014 15:42

Nth Doctor: Sep 7, 2010; Darkrai used Dream Eater!
It's super effective!

Khazar-khum posted:

Here's proof the UK is pretty scary, too.

The Data-protagonist trick really works!

# ? Dec 31, 2014 16:30

phosdex: Dec 16, 2005

Araenna posted:

quote:
The guy says he's not paying the extra, thinking he's got us over a barrel. What are we going to do, throw out the pizzas, not get paid?

Isn't that exactly what you'd do? Why would you even keep him as a customer to begin with? Willing to bet that place is out of business.

Also, my parents are from New Jersey, and ordering a pie was a phrase I've heard/used quite a bit.

# ? Dec 31, 2014 21:28

Kimmalah: Nov 14, 2005; Basically just a baby in a trenchcoat.

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

hosed up if true.

Oh well, I guess this will be useful to know if I ever go to America. Next you'll be telling me you call chazzwazzas "bullfrogs" or some such nonsense.

It's a regional thing, so it really depends on where in the US you are. Some places this would be just as weird to Americans as it apparently is to Australians.

# ? Dec 31, 2014 22:04

moerketid: Jul 3, 2012

phosdex posted:

Isn't that exactly what you'd do? Why would you even keep him as a customer to begin with? Willing to bet that place is out of business.

Also, my parents are from New Jersey, and ordering a pie was a phrase I've heard/used quite a bit.

When I worked at a pizza place, if somebody wouldn't pay for their order, the drivers would just sell the pizza to anybody they could find. Same thing when people would prank order pizzas for someone else. I've never been sure what people think happens to the prankee, do they think they have to just pay for the pizzas?
[/quote]

When I worked on deliveries for Dominos in the UK (about 10 years ago ofc) we could just eat the unwanted order. It was really no big deal to the driver, the company etc.

I guess the harassment in ordering pizzas for people is meant to be the hassle of them answering the door and "embarassment" of saying they didn't order a pizza.

# ? Dec 31, 2014 22:15

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

That makes this kind of STDH even sadder/unintentionally funny, since it means the writer is so socially clueless they actually think people do just quietly pay for misdelivered food for fear of losing the deliveryperson's respect.

# ? Dec 31, 2014 22:30

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

moerketid posted:

When I worked at a pizza place, if somebody wouldn't pay for their order, the drivers would just sell the pizza to anybody they could find. Same thing when people would prank order pizzas for someone else. I've never been sure what people think happens to the prankee, do they think they have to just pay for the pizzas?

When I worked on deliveries for Dominos in the UK (about 10 years ago ofc) we could just eat the unwanted order. It was really no big deal to the driver, the company etc.

I guess the harassment in ordering pizzas for people is meant to be the hassle of them answering the door and "embarassment" of saying they didn't order a pizza.
[/quote]

So it would work great as a "prank" on someone who has a severe social anxiety, but basically nobody else.

# ? Dec 31, 2014 23:03

Bunni-kat: May 25, 2010; Service Desk B-b-bunny...
How can-ca-caaaaan I
help-p-p-p you?

sweeperbravo posted:

So it would work great as a "prank" on someone who has a severe social anxiety, but basically nobody else.

Cheezus Crust you spergs, the prank is doing it late at night, when the person is either in bed asleep, or will be shortly.

# ? Dec 31, 2014 23:51

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Avenging_Mikon posted:

Cheezus Crust you spergs, the prank is doing it late at night, when the person is either in bed asleep, or will be shortly.

Idk man I've seen plenty of TV shows where they do it in the middle of the evening when it's still a reasonable hour, but I guess you know the real truth about how it's done in real life 100% of the time, all hail

# ? Jan 1, 2015 00:52

Rick_Hunter: Jan 5, 2004; My guys are still fighting the hard fight!
(weapons, shields and drones are still online!)

Edit: Forget I even posted something here. It was a stupid green text story not even worthy of STDH.txt.

Rick_Hunter has a new favorite as of 01:22 on Jan 1, 2015

# ? Jan 1, 2015 01:19

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

quote:

Mark was the stuff of dreams. Kind, caring, attentive. Enough to make all of my friends jealous. But today something horrible happened, something that I wouldn�t wish on even my worst enemy. I found out something about Mark that will forever change my opinion about him, and my ability to trust men has been forever shattered.

Shortly after dinner, my best friend Jessica called me and told me she had some information to share with me about Mark. I begged her to just tell me over the phone, but she insisted that it had to be in person. So we met up an hour later at the Jitterbug Cafe, our favorite java-spot to sip cappuccino and check out acoustic guitar music on a Friday Night. However, tonight the sound of acoustic guitar music would be replaced with the sound of tears, sniffling, tissues being removed from tissue packets and other sounds that indicate that something sad is happening.

It was there at the cafe that Jessica told me the bad news: Mark is actually just a couple of old hot dogs inside of a very tiny, mohair sweater.

At first I couldn�t believe the words she was saying as they were coming out of her mouth. I�d heard of this happening to other girls, but I never thought it would happen to me. But the more I thought about it, the clues all started to add up; his occasional odor of old hot dogs, his refusal to ever speak and his inability to walk across the room on his own accord.

I asked Jessica to explain to me how she found out the truth about Mark. She told me that she started to piece it all together when she observed a text message conversation between Mark and I. She noticed that Mark wasn�t responding to anything I was saying to him. And that�s because he�s a couple of old hot dogs, and hot dogs can�t text.

And even though Mark was the star point guard in our schools basketball team, nobody could ever recall Mark actually participating in any of the games. Instead he would always just sit on the sidelines; typical behavior for a person that is not really a person but really just a couple of generic hot dogs inside of a mini sweater.

But perhaps the most revealing moment was last week at Nolan�s bonfire, when Mark was actually mistaken for a pack of hot dogs. We all laughed it off. �How hilarious! Rachel just thought Mark was a pack of hot dogs! Maybe take it easy on the buzz juice, Rachel!� And although Rachel does seem to have a problem with alcohol consumption, this was the night that Jessica finally realized the truth about Mark.

This is a reality facing young girls everywhere today: somewhere out there, someone is knitting tiny, little mohair sweaters, filling them with stinky, old hot dogs and then putting them into circulation as real people. Often they go ignored; faceless in an endless sea of people. You may have sat across from one on a crowded bus without even noticing. But other times they�re courted by young, vulnerable girls whose only mistake is that they�re looking for love in a world that is so, so cold.

I really thought I was going to marry Mark, that he was going to be the one. My friends got along with him, my family approved. I never thought he would do this to me: reveal that he was actually just a couple of old frankfurters nestled within a sweater fit for a newborn. But I suppose if there�s one thing that I�ve learned from this whole ordeal, it�s that not everybody turns out to be the person you think they are.

# ? Jan 1, 2015 02:12

Praseodymi: Aug 26, 2010

Zaphod42 posted:

gold_that_didnt_happen.txt

# ? Jan 1, 2015 02:19

A Classy Ghost: Jul 21, 2003; this wine has a fantastic booquet

Zaphod42 posted:

doobies deceiving dogs

I call bullshit, two hotdogs fill a whole sweater "fit for a newborn"? How big are these sausages exactly? It's like the author didn't even try to make this believable.

# ? Jan 1, 2015 06:13

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

A Classy Ghost posted:

I call bullshit, two hotdogs fill a whole sweater "fit for a newborn"? How big are these sausages exactly? It's like the author didn't even try to make this believable.

You just can't trust anyone these days.

# ? Jan 1, 2015 22:45

PUGGERNAUT: Nov 14, 2013; I AM INCREDIBLY BORING AND SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD IN THE POLITICS THREAD

quote:

So post Christmas, wife decided we should take bub to the local shopping centre to buy some bub stuff. Now, since becoming a parent, I LOVE Parents With Prams parking spots. They're usually in the shade, and oversized so its easy to get bub in and out of the car from their safety seats.

Driving down to the PWP section, I spot a lady just finishing loading up her bub and about to leave. She gives me a thumbs up, I give her a wave and wait. She backs out and then as she drives away, some guy revs his car into the spot from the opposite direction! This guy proceeds to get out of his car, and it was obvious he doesn't even have a kid with him.

Fine, I'll find somewhere else. But as he leaves towards the mall, I wind down my window and politely ask if he wouldn't park in a PWP space if he doesn't have kids. What do I get in return? "gently caress you! I don't care if it's a handicap spot, it's still space!" He storms off, wife and I left speechless.

So I drive a bit further down and there was an empty spot. We got out, pram deployed, and proceed towards the mall. Passing douchebag's car ignited a degree of hatred in me and then I had a light bulb moment. "Go ahead inside honey, I forgot my phone in the car."

As they walk off, I walk back to my car. Now during the journey over, bub had a bit of an accident and we had to change her diaper en route. Grabbing the bagged diaper, I also grabbed a piece of paper and wrote "KIDS, EH?" on it. Returning to douchebag's car, I smear the "accident" all over the insides of the driver side door handle, dropped the diaper on the bonnet, popped the paper on his windscreen wiper and walked away. Satisfied.

I don't know what happened to douchebag, because when we came back 2 hours later the car was gone. Even the diaper was no where to be seen.

# ? Jan 2, 2015 05:22

Martin BadClixx: Jul 14, 2012; ^{dada stijl}

I dont know why, but the usage of 'bub' makes me kinda mad.

# ? Jan 2, 2015 09:57

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Do people with prams routinely leave their windows/doors open after they leave their cars?

Also love how they kept the filthy diaper in their car instead of dumping it in the trash like a normal person.

# ? Jan 2, 2015 10:29

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Thatim posted:

I dont know why, but the usage of 'bub' makes me kinda mad.

Agreed. Vomitrocious.

# ? Jan 2, 2015 10:37

ScratchAndSniff: Sep 28, 2008; This game stinks

Thatim posted:

I dont know why, but the usage of 'bub' makes me kinda mad.

Story was clearly written by Wolverine.

# ? Jan 2, 2015 12:10

SLOSifl: Aug 10, 2002

ScratchAndSniff posted:

Story was clearly written by Wolverine.

Bub is exactly the word an old hotdog would use...hmm.

# ? Jan 2, 2015 14:02

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# ? May 20, 2024 17:34

Bargearse: Nov 27, 2006; 🛑 Don't get your pen🖊️, son, you won't be 👌 needing that 😌. My 🥡 order's 💁 simple😉, a shitload 💩 of dim sims 🌯🀄. And I want a bucket 🪣 of soya sauce☕😋.

Thatim posted:

I dont know why, but the usage of 'bub' makes me kinda mad.

It's not that uncommon in Australia, though it tends to be mostly used by the sort of self-righteous "mommy blogger" type parents who would make up a stdh.txt story about a parking lot dickhead.

# ? Jan 2, 2015 14:11

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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