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An alcoholic moonshiner working his still for days emerges from the forest to discover that he's walked into a timeline where prohibition never ends. He eventually goes through withdrawal dies from his seizures. The coroner wonders where he even managed to get alcohol in this timeline, as he takes a long drag from his legal doobie 
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Feb 5, 2015 09:25
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| # ? Jun 3, 2024 17:56 |
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A bible thumping conservative is in a car accident, and Death tells him he will spare his life, but only if he lets Death buttfuck him.
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Feb 5, 2015 09:28
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A high holy catholic cardinal dies, and goes to heaven to discover that the only true religion was Greek Orthodox, and he goes to hell the end.
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Feb 5, 2015 09:30
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An Air Force pilot wakes up in an empty bomb shelter with a beautiful woman, a black boxer, a clown and a harmonica-playing old man. Before he can say anything or ask where he is, a rich eccentric man appears and gives him a card saying that if anyone speaks, the bomb shelter will crack open, exposing them to nuclear fall out. The other characters pass cards to each other explaining the situation, and asking why is there the bizarre prohibition on talking. Silently, they explore the bizarre bomb shelter, which is full of mirrors that seem to have figures moving in them. At the end of the episode, the Air Force pilot quietly says "Help", and the world dissolves. A bewildered looking young Bill Mumy wakes up in bed, and says in a childish voice: "Mommy, I had one of those dreams again"
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Feb 5, 2015 09:31
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All men are dead because of a super virus created decades ago and only women are left to carry the heavy burden of living like hippies in a new age commune instead of brutally murdering each other as large groups of women are prone to do
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Feb 5, 2015 09:53
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A movie studio replaces all its actors with vocaloids. Nobody notices. In fact, all the movies are inexplicably more popular. The disgruntled former actors reprogram the vocaloids and the final scene is hologram Miku murdering the studio producers.
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Feb 5, 2015 09:54
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A new anonymous, decentralized, unregulated cryptocurrency is set to take the world by storm, only it doesn't and the people who used it are learning the hard way that it isn't so anonymous afterall.
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Feb 5, 2015 09:58
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There are rats everywhere. People blame each other for the rats, growing increasingly obsessive as they try to clean everything and find fault with everyone else's attempt at cleaning. Eventually, someone kills someone else over a speck of dust. Everyone else freaks out, not because someone was murdered but because the corpse will attract the rats. It turns into a lethal brawl and eventually the rats descend upon them, devouring both living and dead.
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Feb 5, 2015 10:02
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A goon finds a bottle with a genie. "I wanna be Hitler," the goon shouts. The genie frowns and walks away because tricking people into wishing they were Hitler is no fun when they specifically ask to be Hitler.
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Feb 5, 2015 10:19
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A man is given 5 feces related wishes by an ancient spirit.
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Feb 5, 2015 10:32
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A man is convinced everyone is going to die. No one believes him. As it turns out, we are all mortal and will die someday.
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Feb 5, 2015 10:46
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A man wakes up in his apartment but none of his stuff is where he thought it would be. He's convinced he fell into an alternate universe but it turns out his mom had cleaned his room.
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Feb 5, 2015 10:55
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Tonight on Boris Karloff's Thriller: Pigeons from Hell
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Feb 5, 2015 11:08
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A man on his way to a very important business meeting gets lost driving through the forest, he finds a small town and enters. he enters one of the houses to ask for direction but inside it is just another house, he enters, but that too only contains another sightly smaller house, he dies getting lost inside an forever looping maze of houses inside houses. Five years later a construction firm are demolishing the building to make way for a new shopping mall. Inside they find the skeleton of a tiny human man only a feet high and the camera pans over to two men in dark suits one of them saying something in an ear piece. The next day a nuclear blast destroys the town and everyone inside it. When asked everyone denies that there has ever been a town there in the first place. Also, every day from there on is Tuesday.
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Feb 5, 2015 12:29
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A married man (around 24 years old) goes out to the bar. There he meets a girl, home from college for the weekend. They decide to hook up, but where do they go? He can't take her home for obvious reasons, and she can't take him to her parent's house. He remembers he has the keys to his church (because he does maintenance work there), so he takes her there. They have sex in the pews, and when he finishes, the building starts shaking. He's starting to freak out a bit. He glances over at the girl, and she's turning into a demon. The man runs out of the building as the walls and roof start to collapse. The earth opens, and the devil's voice booms out, "THE PROPHECY HAS BEEN FULFILLED! YOU SHALL BE THE CHOSEN ONE WHO WILL LEAD MY ARMIES UPON THIS LAND AND CONQUER MY ENEMIES." The man is next seen leading an army of the damned through the streets.
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Feb 5, 2015 13:12
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Visitors at a Chinese restaurant are perplexed when their fortune cookies contain the exact time and date that they will next have sex. Cue a man getting a blank fortune.
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Feb 5, 2015 13:20
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Look under your chairs. You've all just won the keys to a brand new car. You hop in to take your prize for a spin, but are horrified to discover the car drives itself and will only take you to one place: The Twilight Zone. Our first stop, a seemingly ordinary girl with a seemingly ordinary doll. On closer inspection, however, we discover that this doll is pure evil! It starts telling her to do bad things, and she obeys, performing an escalating series of misdeeds. When she is finally apprehended after a horrific murder spree, she blames the doll for her crimes. Actually the girl is a psychopath and the doll is just an ordinary doll. Chew on this tidbit: four children are staying at a house in the countryside to escape the London Blitz during World War II. There, they discover a magical wardrobe that is a portal to a fantasy world of wonder and magic. They live an entire lifetime there as kings and queens before returning home, where they discover only a few minutes have passed and actually their adventure was a dying hallucination as they suffocated inside the locked cabinet.
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Feb 5, 2015 14:24
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An atheist college professor publishes a book that conclusively disproves god and becomes a best-seller. Shortly afterwards, he stumbles onto a hidden gateway in the university's basement that lets him talk directly to god. He has many thrilling conversations with god about a wide variety of subjects until he decides to introduce his devout christian student to god. The student is appalled by the true nature of god and rejects god altogether. God gets angered by the student's closed mindedness and smites the student to death. The professor becomes the lead suspect in the murder of the student. He loses his job and his son dies from autoerotic asphyxiation, causing his wife to leave him. His neighbor drives over his dog. He gets diagnosed with an untreatable form of cancer. The sudden violent outburst from god had caused him to stop visiting the gateway so he dies alone, barely managing to finish the follow-up to his book. It's called "I was wrong, God exists and is a complete jerk". It sells poorly.
quakster fucked around with this message at 15:04 on Feb 5, 2015 |
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Feb 5, 2015 15:02
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Across the world shoelaces randomly tie themselves together, tripping people over. Broken bones fill hospitals, just walking down the street becomes difficult, a solution must be found. Velcro and buckles save the day. But is such a victory really worth it?
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Feb 5, 2015 15:39
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Printers suddenly start printing out copies of every website contained in the browser history of the computers they are connected to.
Canned Panda fucked around with this message at 16:19 on Feb 5, 2015 |
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Feb 5, 2015 16:15
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A man looks in a mirror... and he is Hitler. And a furry. And Furmany is winning World War Two, as the Holocaust is killing all the non-furries.
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Feb 5, 2015 18:23
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Hitler wakes up and looks in a mirror. He is shocked to discover he is not Hitler, but an ordinary American Joe.
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Feb 5, 2015 19:27
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A ghost house is haunted by a living human.
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Feb 5, 2015 19:29
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Men discover that penises once docked cannot be undocked.
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Feb 5, 2015 19:33
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A man working a boring graphics design job discovers a collection of mad libs of his own life. He uses this booklet to try and change his life so he'll become the famous artist he always secretly wanted to be, but things only get worse and worse. Eventually he goes mad. He does become famous, but not for his art.
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Feb 5, 2015 19:47
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A black senator with eyes on the white house meets the devil, disguised as a human who offers him an American birth certificate in exchange for both his soul and the vice presidency. The governor of Alaska meets a genie who offers her political prominence in exchange for her intelligence.
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Feb 5, 2015 19:50
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I wrote an episode updated for our modern sensibilities: There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man (and women). It is a dimension that cannot be viewed in the cinema, no matter how many weird glasses you wear, and is as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between terrorists and freedom, between science and religion, and it lies between the pit of man's (and woman's) fears and the summit of his (and her) knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone (go to https://www.twilightzone.com and hit subscribe to see it). Let us for a moment watch this man, as he sits on his sofa using his iTablet to browse the daily news, while his child plays with functional building blocks on the living room floor. Suddenly, a startling news headline catches his eye. "Martha! Have you seen this newstory that I found in a Buzzfeed article titled "7 things they don't want you to know about how to not bring up your kid! 1 in 5 people did not know these!"?" Martha was in kitchen, but she's not cooking dinner for her husband Tom and their son Jimmy. She has already set the automatic oven to cook the food for her, she is playing Angry Flappy Birds on her iTelephone. "Tom hunny I'm busy cooking dinner, so no I haven't had a chance to read it". "It says here Martha that allowing Jimmy here to use tablets and phones slows their mental development! People should be warned!" "You're right darling! Is there a Facebook page we can like or an e-petition we can sign?" "No! Not at all! That's the weird thing!" Both parents begin furiously whichapp messaging their friends, and starting online petition groups. Mains stream stories begin picking up on the story hailing the couple as leading the "techno-counter revolution" which has harmed so many children. The campaign takes years of hard slog and organised tweeting in order to finally make the government concede and beging to issue warning for kids using technology underage. iTablets and iTelephones become restricted like the sales of alcohol, with young teens trying to buy them under age. It's then that the couple realise that they have ignored their child for the last 6 years, and now he cannot even speak. When they show him even the most basic means of digital communication, he cannot use them. As you see the disappointment on their faces, it transitions to a TV interview where they say their child has become underdeveloped and cannot use any modern technology, he just sits there and plays with his building blocks, and it's going to take drastic therapy to solve the problem. The end scene is parents throwing out what they perceive to be entirely pointless constructions of building blocks, is actually a map of the human genome, that if it had been discovered would have been a cure for all ailments. This is because their child wasn't underdeveloped at all, but rather a child prodigy ignored by parents taking up what they perceived to be a greater moral cause, all while living in..... The Twilight Zone.
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Feb 5, 2015 19:54
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A man buys a winning lottery ticket but only had 24 hours to claim it. He gets locked in his basement during an argument with his girlfriend who he doesn't tell because he wants to elope with his Best Friend Barry from the cowboy ranch. Unable to escape he makes a deal with the ghost of Nixon dressed in a Hitler uniform. Once he finally escapes and rushed to claim the winning ticket he drives so dangerously he leads police on a Blue's Brothers style chase across the state. When he finally hands in the ticket it turns out to be a shared prize pool and his portion comes to $23.47,
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Feb 5, 2015 19:56
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Everyone for the past few million years has gone to Hell because it turns out that the one true faith was that thing Neanderthals did where they painted pictures of cows on cave walls and made statues of dongs. This also means there's no hope of anyone ever going to heaven because this was prehistoric times and they never recorded the actual details of their religion.
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Feb 5, 2015 20:01
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gary oldmans diary posted:what if human beings and cars changed places In an ironic twist the concentration camps are full of Fords.
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Feb 5, 2015 20:01
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Some prisoners are trying to tunnel out of a high security prison, and they finally make it... but it turns out they were actually tunnelling INTO prison! Because they've become so institutionalised that they can't cope with normal life on the outside any more. Either that or they think piss-infused porridge is better than dinner with their families.
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Feb 5, 2015 20:04
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A man finds a genie lamp and asks for a hot wife and loads a'money. The genie delivers, but the wife isn't that hot and it was a lot of Zimbabwe Dollars, so for the third wish the man goes, "Dammit, you rear end in a top hat, then make me famous!" The genie gets mad and replies, "For being so rude I will in fact make your rear end in a top hat famous!" And to this day it is the most well known rear end in a top hat on the internet.
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Feb 5, 2015 20:11
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Mehuyael posted:A man finds a genie lamp and asks for a hot wife and loads a'money. The genie delivers, but the wife isn't that hot and it was a lot of Zimbabwe Dollars, so for the third wish the man goes, "Dammit, you rear end in a top hat, then make me famous!" alternative twist: the genie turns him onto a sentient KFC famous bowl.
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Feb 5, 2015 20:16
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It is the far future and the earth has been worked to dust, humans have moved beyond needing food and drink and almost all of the plants and animals are lost. Two treasure hunters compete to find the fabled last cache of a miraculous elixir said to cure all ailments. They give up everything they have, nearly kill each other, then face a common threat and are united in purpose by the time they finally locate their prize. A half crate of Natty Light.
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Feb 5, 2015 20:27
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A man goes on the internet and discovers that in fact practically everything he eats contains some level of feces in it, sometimes intentionally. And that man was Hitler.
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Feb 5, 2015 20:32
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there's a statue of an angel or poopy dead baby or a clown or something that can kill you if you aren't looking at it, which is scary because statues shouldn't be able to do that
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Feb 5, 2015 20:43
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Hitler wakes up to discover he is Abraham Lincoln on his way to Ford's Theatre. He regrets his earlier actions when he woke up as John Wilkes Booth the previous day.
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Feb 5, 2015 20:57
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Applewhite posted:Hitler wakes up to discover he is Abraham Lincoln on his way to Ford's Theatre. He regrets his earlier actions when he woke up as John Wilkes Booth the previous day. Quantum Leap starring Hitler seems like a good idea
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Feb 5, 2015 21:20
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Applewhite posted:Hitler wakes up to discover he is Abraham Lincoln on his way to Ford's Theatre. He regrets his earlier actions when he woke up as John Wilkes Booth the previous day. Alternatively: Hitler wakes up as John Wilkes Booth and carries out his mission in spite of having been Abraham Lincoln the previous day.
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Feb 5, 2015 21:27
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| # ? Jun 3, 2024 17:56 |
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It turns out Earth is hell. Hitler goes back in time to stop a Jewish man from starting a war that kills one million people and inadvertantly kills 6 million Jews. As he looks in the mirror in his crumbling bunker, he realizes he was the Jewish man all along. A politician am is being interviewed on live TV and he says, "There are no such thing as space aliens." A reporter asks him, "How can you be so sure?" The polititcian says, "Because you are one!" As he rips off the reporters human desiguse to reveal a space alien. A man is driving a car and sees a fire truck with it's lights going. The road he is on only goes to his house so he drives really fast to get there. When he gets there his house is not on fire. Confused, he asks the fire fighters if his house is on fire. The fire chief says, "Your house isn't on fire. You are!" And then the man realizes his pants were on fire the whole time. An evil scientist combines the DNA of the world's most evil animals to create the most evil animal of them all. It turns out it's man. A man invents a repository of knowledge that anybody in the world can modify and read for free. However, even the wrong stuff is believed to be completely true. As a dog lays on his death bed, he realizes he was the one being taken for a walk the entire time. A man finds a book where everything he writes in it becomes true. He decides to write, "nothing I write in this book is true" and then god shows up and bitch slaps him for being a dick. A lawyer is cursed by a gypsy and is unable to lie for 24 hours. A man is cursed by a gypsy so he always says yes to any question. A man is cursed by a gypsy so he can only see the inner beauty of women. A gypsy gives man is given a machine that controls the world. He can mute it, stop it, fast forward it and even change people Too late he discovers he can't rewind with it and learns the true meaning of family. A fat white rich man dies and his body is inhabited by the ghost of a poor minority. A noble white man goes to an inner city school to teach minorities about their future. He is run out of the school for being racist.
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Feb 5, 2015 21:30
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