shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Rat Patrol: Feb 15, 2008; kill kill kill kill
kill me now

Samizdata posted:

But, what does the fox say?

This:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk1mAd77Hr4

# ? Feb 12, 2015 23:56

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# ? May 20, 2024 22:48

Kimmalah: Nov 14, 2005; Basically just a baby in a trenchcoat.

how me a frog posted:

What are the chances everyone turns out to have been a child prodigy in the stdh thread?

I just started reading early, I was actually pretty bad at plenty of the other stuff. :v:

# ? Feb 13, 2015 00:05

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

Fathis Munk posted:

I like the rooster one
German : kikeriki
French : cocorico
And English apparently Cock-a-doodle-do

My dad tells his Spanish students that American animals can't communicate well with Mexican animals for that same reason. The dogs here say "woof woof" and the dogs in Mexico say "guao guao."

It's totally a Dad Joke, and most students smirk and roll their eyes, but he always wonders if one of them will repeat that as a fact later in life.

# ? Feb 13, 2015 00:14

MizPiz: May 29, 2013; by Athanatos

how me a frog posted:

What are the chances everyone turns out to have been a child prodigy in the stdh thread?

You can make your jokes, but I'll have you know I've been lifelong member of MENSA and could have been considered the smartest kid in my school district if I didn't already know school is just a tool for indoctrination by middle school. Could have been a SEAL too, but the military was scared I was too good and claimed I wasn't "psychologically compatible" enough to join. More like I'm too much of a free thinker.

# ? Feb 13, 2015 03:41

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

MizPiz posted:

You can make your jokes, but I'll have you know I've been lifelong member of MENSA and could have been considered the smartest kid in my school district if I didn't already know school is just a tool for indoctrination by middle school. Could have been a SEAL too, but the military was scared I was too good and claimed I wasn't "psychologically compatible" enough to join. More like I'm too much of a free thinker.

MizPiz's uncle works for Nintendo in Japan, too, and he told me there's a special level in Mario 3 where if you get the leaf and the mushroom simultaneously a rocket appears and it shoots you into space and you can play the rest of the game ON MARS and also Princess Toadstool's shirtless for the rest of the game.

# ? Feb 13, 2015 04:45

Testekill: Nov 1, 2012; I demand to be taken seriously

how me a frog posted:

What are the chances everyone turns out to have been a child prodigy in the stdh thread?

Some people peak in primary school. Like they are further along then others as a kid then slip back into the pack as they get older.

# ? Feb 13, 2015 05:43

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

My ex claimed to have been on fairly friendly terms with legendary Irish fiddler and singer Mairéad Ní Mhaonaigh (of Irish folk group Altan), in addition to supposedly having met King Hussein of Jordan and one of his kids.

I suppose it could be true but she was so completely full of poo poo most of the time that I really doubt it.

# ? Feb 13, 2015 12:49

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Bertrand Hustle posted:

My ex claimed to have been on fairly friendly terms with legendary Irish fiddler and singer Mairéad Ní Mhaonaigh (of Irish folk group Altan), in addition to supposedly having met King Hussein of Jordan and one of his kids.

I suppose it could be true but she was so completely full of poo poo most of the time that I really doubt it.

If she's Irish this may be true. That stereotype that all Irish people know each other is very obnoxious but irritatingly kind of accurate. In terms of size and population we're tiny, we'd be in the top ten smallest american states in size and population.

# ? Feb 13, 2015 14:01

corn in the bible: Jun 5, 2004; Oh no oh god it's all true!

Bertrand Hustle posted:

My ex claimed to have been on fairly friendly terms with legendary Irish fiddler and singer Mairéad Ní Mhaonaigh (of Irish folk group Altan), in addition to supposedly having met King Hussein of Jordan and one of his kids.

I suppose it could be true but she was so completely full of poo poo most of the time that I really doubt it.

Did you know the Prince of Jordan was once on Star Trek

Its true

# ? Feb 13, 2015 16:42

A Fancy 400 lbs: Jul 24, 2008

Maybe his ex- was an extra on Star Trek. But only in Ireland.

# ? Feb 13, 2015 18:09

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

EmmyOk posted:

If she's Irish this may be true. That stereotype that all Irish people know each other is very obnoxious but irritatingly kind of accurate. In terms of size and population we're tiny, we'd be in the top ten smallest american states in size and population.

Dunno. I'm Irish and I know gently caress all about any of you.

# ? Feb 13, 2015 18:26

A Fancy 400 lbs: Jul 24, 2008

Samizdata posted:

Dunno. I'm Irish and I know gently caress all about any of you.

Non-autistic Irish people.

# ? Feb 13, 2015 19:20

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

canyoneer posted:

My dad tells his Spanish students that American animals can't communicate well with Mexican animals for that same reason. The dogs here say "woof woof" and the dogs in Mexico say "guao guao."

It's totally a Dad Joke, and most students smirk and roll their eyes, but he always wonders if one of them will repeat that as a fact later in life.

This was a joke in Ace Ventura Pet Detective.

Oh wow that movie is pretty old now.

E: Oh poo poo it was Dr. Doolittle wasn't it? gently caress if I know.

Zaphod42 has a new favorite as of 21:36 on Feb 13, 2015

# ? Feb 13, 2015 19:26

Duke Igthorn: Oct 11, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

how me a frog posted:

What are the chances everyone turns out to have been a child prodigy in the stdh thread?

I don't now, look likes every poster was talking aboot reading gooder than others in particulars; in an forum thart emphasices good grammar and speeling, dislike most other forums on the interanets, seems like peoples whos cans read gooder would be attracted to such a place. Such as and like.

# ? Feb 13, 2015 20:42

Palisader: Mar 14, 2012; DESPAIR MORTALS, FOR I WISH TO PLAY PATTY-CAKE

Samizdata posted:

But, what does the fox say?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vmn9asN-8AE

# ? Feb 14, 2015 03:40

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Palisader posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vmn9asN-8AE

I miss corn in the bible's old avatar.

# ? Feb 14, 2015 05:16

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

quote:

(Shop)lifted To A Less Aggressive State
VIDEO RENTAL STORE | COLUMBUS, OH, USA | BIZARRE, CRIMINAL/ILLEGAL
(It is back when major video rental chains are still in business. We have a regular known shoplifter hit us and neighboring stores recently, and he walks in to my store. It is a Saturday night, and we are slammed, so before I can go and watch him, he is already trying to go out our entrance door, which lacks sensors.)

Me: �Sir, you need to go out the exit. That�s an entrance-only.�

Shoplifter: �I just have to run to my car and get my wallet��

Me: �Okay, but you need��

(And with that, he is gone out the door. Luckily, I�m not the only manager on tonight.)

Me: *to coworker* �I�m gonna take a smoke break real fast.�

(I proceed to walk out to the parking lot, which is huge because it is in a shopping center. I see the man and start following him.)

Me: �Man, it is a nice night tonight, don�t you think?�

(He doesn�t respond, but I continue to try and chat while following him. Suddenly he starts jogging, and I follow. He then starts throwing carts in my way as I run behind him. After another few minutes, he stops, turns around, and pulls back his fist! I am not a muscular or tall guy, and I can only react instinctively, which is to shrug my shoulders, look at him, and say:)

Me: �Really?�

Shoplifter: *taken aback* �Well, what do we do now?�

Me: �Well, if you drop all the stuff you have on you, I�ll be too busy picking it up to even see where you go��

(By this point, his getaway car was honking and yelling obscenities. After about thirty seconds, he opened up his jacket and dropped around $400 worth of pre-rented games. True to my word, I took my time getting them as he took off. Later, I get scolded by my manager for going after them and potentially getting hurt, but she laughed about how my reaction was enough to shock the shoplifter out of his aggressive state. Needless to say, he never came back after that.)

# ? Feb 14, 2015 07:40

corn in the bible: Jun 5, 2004; Oh no oh god it's all true!

sweeperbravo posted:

I miss corn in the bible's old avatar.

i'm not buying another avatar, it'd just vanish when i get banned again

# ? Feb 14, 2015 07:44

Pidmon: Mar 18, 2009; NO ONE risks painful injury on your GREEN SLIME GHOST POGO RIDE.

No one but YOU.

Khazar-khum posted:

"Then when I got back to the store it turns out that I was told by my co-manager that I'd been fired for pursuing a shoplifter which is against company policy!"

# ? Feb 14, 2015 07:51

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

EmmyOk posted:

If she's Irish this may be true. That stereotype that all Irish people know each other is very obnoxious but irritatingly kind of accurate. In terms of size and population we're tiny, we'd be in the top ten smallest american states in size and population.

Not even remotely Irish. Do you know Mairéad Ní Mhaonaigh? :v:

# ? Feb 14, 2015 09:36

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Khazar-khum posted:

Getaway car ? You'd think he robbed a bank, not a lovely rental store.

# ? Feb 14, 2015 10:31

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

Khazar-khum posted:

"It's Saturday night and we are slammed... I'm gonna take a quick smoke break."

Probably true, the rest is just so stupid and silly.

# ? Feb 14, 2015 13:44

Das Boo: Jun 9, 2011; There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.

*Follows a much larger man into a dark parking lot over $400*

# ? Feb 14, 2015 16:38

Bunni-kat: May 25, 2010; Service Desk B-b-bunny...
How can-ca-caaaaan I
help-p-p-p you?

Fathis Munk posted:

Getaway car ? You'd think he robbed a bank, not a lovely rental store.

Very common. Shoplifters doing it as a career almost always work in at least pairs. Either one as look out or driver, depending on place they're hitting, and the other doing the lifting.

# ? Feb 14, 2015 16:43

Kimmalah: Nov 14, 2005; Basically just a baby in a trenchcoat.

A lot of stores I worked for wanted us to get the license plate numbers of shoplifters so we could just report them that way, so usually they tried to get out of there pretty quickly.

# ? Feb 14, 2015 17:12

Boris Galerkin: Dec 17, 2011; I don't understand why I can't harass people online. Seriously, somebody please explain why I shouldn't be allowed to stalk others on social media!

quote:

TIFU by going to dinner at my bfs parents with a vibrator

Me and my bf have been together for 3 years now, I'm 24 and he's 25. Every friday we go to his parents and they make an amazing dinner. Unfortunately I've been lazy with the wash this week and didn't have any panties to wear. So I remembered I had vibrating panties that are controlled with a remote control.. what could go wrong?
Now... I made the mistake of telling my bf what I was wearing before we went. Moving forward to dinner,
I'm having a nice conversation with his parents when suddenly I felt a light quick vibration.. I thought it was my phone, I ignore it. A couple minutes pass and it happens again, this time stronger. Oh my, what is happening. Then I remembered... My panties. Are my panties malfunctioning?
I look over to my bf and try to signal discreetly what is happening. He smiles. My thought was "he don't get it". It happens again, it's getting stronger. Wth. I try to play it cool as my clit is massaged with love vibrations. This is getting hard, I cannot just leave the table to take them off.
I continue my conversation.
I'm talking when the vibration comes back again at maximum power and makes me jump and say "OHH". They ask if I'm ok. I try not to look suspicious and say yes, I almost dropped my fork. I clearly was not holding the fork. Awkward. Vibration still going. I'm thinking my life is ruined with them.
At this point you can slightly hear the vibration and try to keep everyone talking over it. Now, vibrations really get me going. Keep that in mind.
Fast forward 5 minutes of nonstop pantie love. The feeling. That feeling all us girls know. It's coming, and it's going to rawr. I feel helpless and decide to just let it all happen at the table, I cannot stop it. I brace myself to let it be discreet as possible.
At the same time I was going to orgasm I decided to fake a sneeze to try to hide it. Why the hell would I do that? At the same time it happened I fake sneezed, moaned and smiled. Unexpected.
I explained I sneezed and coughed at the same time. It didn't make sense but they seemed to went with it and said bless you. I must be crazy. The drat thing is still going, and I'm sitting here in pleasure with my legs tightly together trying to hide it. Having my legs tight just made the vibrator on the panties more localized on the spot.
gently caress! I'm going to orgasm again. I quickly get up from the table and run to the bathroom. I slammed the bathroom door like there was no tomorrow, took off my jeans and ripped off the panties. And threw them in the trash not thinking... yes, the trash.
I go back to the table... I obviously had some explaining to do. I told them my stomach started acting up from a donut I had from lunch. I guess no one in that house ever rushed to the bathroom like that before.
My bf looking at me with a huge smile, I know that look. Such an rear end in a top hat.
I tell him we have to go and need to be home right now. After that mishap I didn't want to stay much longer. He agrees to leave. Which is where another fuckup happened.
I left my vibrating panties, which were still vibrating btw in the trash can. I have no idea how long the battery life is, could be hours. Who knows. I feel so stupid that I didn't think. I just wanted them off.
I'm currently home writing this fuckup, while the panties are most likely still vibrating in their trash. They will eventually find it if they havn't already. Will they tell us? Who knows.
I have not talked to my bf for an hour now.
Tldr; took vibrating panties to dinner with bf at his parents, had an orgasm, left vibrating panties in their trashcan.

# ? Feb 14, 2015 19:46

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Boris Galerkin posted:

# ? Feb 14, 2015 20:25

Das Boo: Jun 9, 2011; There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.

And that woman was Katherine Heigl.

# ? Feb 14, 2015 20:41

Yolo Swaggins Esq: Jan 29, 2015; oOoOoh 👀 a dapper little mouse🎩 🐀🕺🏻🕺🏻 a dAppER MoUSe🧐🐀 🚶🏿‍♂️🚶🏿‍♂️it�s a 🎩DAPPER mouse 👀✔️🐀🥾🏃🏽‍♂️🕺🏻🕺🏻🕺🏻🏃🏽‍♂️🐀💥

I'll just orgasm at his parents over dinner, yes. That is a totally normal response to have. Why would I even consider excusing myself to the bathroom once they start vibrating? Nup, better cum super hard in front of them, then comment on their bathroom habits.

....this was typed up with one hand, wasn't it? :ohdear:

# ? Feb 14, 2015 22:50

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Yolo Swaggins Esq posted:

I'll just orgasm at his parents over dinner, yes. That is a totally normal response to have. Why would I even consider excusing myself to the bathroom once they start vibrating? Nup, better cum super hard in front of them, then comment on their bathroom habits.

....this was typed up with one hand, wasn't it?

It reads like one of those "EMBARASSING STORIES" segments they have in Cosmo

# ? Feb 14, 2015 22:56

Zipperelli.: Apr 3, 2011; Nap Ghost

sweeperbravo posted:

It reads like one of those "EMBARASSING STDH STORIES" segments they have in Cosmo

ftfy

# ? Feb 15, 2015 03:45

Kimmalah: Nov 14, 2005; Basically just a baby in a trenchcoat.

Yolo Swaggins Esq posted:

I'll just orgasm at his parents over dinner, yes. That is a totally normal response to have. Why would I even consider excusing myself to the bathroom once they start vibrating? Nup, better cum super hard in front of them, then comment on their bathroom habits.

....this was typed up with one hand, wasn't it?

Clearly there was no time. Orgasms happen instantly and there's no warning or time to just leave the table. :downs:

Also (though I'll admit I don't know anything about vibrating panties specifically) I've never encountered a vibrator that didn't make a lot of noise. Even the quieter ones would be incredibly obvious in a situation like sitting at a family dinner table. So I guess not only did they eat something bad, but it was that food poisoning that makes your intestines buzz loudly.

# ? Feb 15, 2015 04:53

Bargearse: Nov 27, 2006; 🛑 Don't get your pen🖊️, son, you won't be 👌 needing that 😌. My 🥡 order's 💁 simple😉, a shitload 💩 of dim sims 🌯🀄. And I want a bucket 🪣 of soya sauce☕😋.

Kimmalah posted:

Also (though I'll admit I don't know anything about vibrating panties specifically) I've never encountered a vibrator that didn't make a lot of noise. Even the quieter ones would be incredibly obvious in a situation like sitting at a family dinner table. So I guess not only did they eat something bad, but it was that food poisoning that makes your intestines buzz loudly.

That, and apparently just taking the batteries out before putting them on was obviously never an option here.

# ? Feb 15, 2015 06:01

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

This just sounds like racist made up bullshit
If you don't want to click it, it's an ebaumsworld link about stuff "urban" kids say when they are taken out on nature walks.

Sample: "Jamarcus mad because I change his Facebook to say he like men. He can't change it cuz this forest ain't got no Wi-Fi."

There's a Twitter account or something associated with this but it's just so loving stupid. I wasn't sure whether to post it here or in the Awkward Ugly Gross thread but I'm pretty sure it's just a guy posting his guess at what a ~~cartoonishly stereotypical black~~ urban person would say on a hike over and over. gently caress that.

# ? Feb 15, 2015 06:06

Guy Montag: Jun 24, 2005

Boris Galerkin posted:

That feeling all us girls know.

# ? Feb 15, 2015 06:14

constantIllusion: Feb 16, 2010

jodai posted:

This just sounds like racist made up bullshit
If you don't want to click it, it's an ebaumsworld link about stuff "urban" kids say when they are taken out on nature walks.

Sample: "Jamarcus mad because I change his Facebook to say he like men. He can't change it cuz this forest ain't got no Wi-Fi."

There's a Twitter account or something associated with this but it's just so loving stupid. I wasn't sure whether to post it here or in the Awkward Ugly Gross thread but I'm pretty sure it's just a guy posting his guess at what a ~~cartoonishly stereotypical black~~ urban person would say on a hike over and over. gently caress that.

That listicle serves as proof that the author has never been around black people before.

# ? Feb 15, 2015 09:18

Yolo Swaggins Esq: Jan 29, 2015; oOoOoh 👀 a dapper little mouse🎩 🐀🕺🏻🕺🏻 a dAppER MoUSe🧐🐀 🚶🏿‍♂️🚶🏿‍♂️it�s a 🎩DAPPER mouse 👀✔️🐀🥾🏃🏽‍♂️🕺🏻🕺🏻🕺🏻🏃🏽‍♂️🐀💥

Bargearse posted:

That, and apparently just taking the batteries out before putting them on was obviously never an option here.

Nor was going commando or, like, quickly hand washing a pair of undies for the super special parent dinner. Nope, gotta be vibrating ones.

# ? Feb 15, 2015 10:04

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Variation on an old STDH

# ? Feb 15, 2015 10:08

Testekill: Nov 1, 2012; I demand to be taken seriously

Fathis Munk posted:

Variation on an old STDH

Yeah, nobody believed the old one either.

# ? Feb 15, 2015 10:10

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# ? May 20, 2024 22:48

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

Nothing like the downfall of humanity and civilization and the associated trauma combined with violent, immediate death if you go in guns blazing to take your man's mind off things and get him in the mood.

# ? Feb 15, 2015 10:19

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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