quote:

Has A Finger In Every Pie
College & University, Dorm | Peoria, IL, USA | Dating
(My boyfriend and I are relaxing in his dorm room talking about random subjects before going to bed, and we get onto the subject of each other.)

Boyfriend: “You’re such a cutie pie!”

Me: “Well you’re a perfect pie!”

Boyfriend: “A perfect pie?”

Me: “You’re like one slice of every good pie put together into one giant perfect pie! Apple, banana cream, French silk, Hershey’s, pumpkin, all of them into one pie!”

quote:

The Conversation Went Below The Belt
home | USA | Dating
(When I’m naked around my boyfriend, he has a tendency to try and make it look like my vagina is talking. He even goes as far as adding a fake voice. One day, when we’re laying in bed naked. I feel a familiar movement down below.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Boyfriend: “Shhhh, it’s telling me a story”

Duke Igthorn posted:

He's 72 and they asked him who the president is? What're they trying to kill him??

EZipperelli posted:

You want to hear some funny poo poo? Ask a super racist old white man or woman who the president is. Hooo poo poo, I've never laughed so hard at some of the answers I've gotten.

Lowly posted:

Her numbers are within a healthy range according to what my health care provider uses, but mine are better. Even so, it's totally possible to have cholesterol and BP levels in normal range if you are fat. Only about 70% of obese people have high BP/cholesteral. The problem is that being overweight and staying overweight, especially being obese puts you more at risk for a bunch of health problems, including high cholesterol and high blood pressure. The longer you stay fat, the more likely this stuff will happen because the excess fat is putting a strain on your system.

A doctor is not very likely to act the way they did in the story, but they are going to recommend losing weight to someone who is obese, regardless of their current numbers and they will be perfectly right to do that, because regardless of whether you are healthy right NOW, being obese and staying obese all but guarantees some sort of health problem eventually. No doctor is going to look at an obese person and go "Oh your numbers look fine today, so just carry on!"

Atmus posted:

Well whatever you do, don't tell us any of the funny ones. That would be distracting.

EZipperelli posted:

Honestly, retelling them, with the expectation of being *hilarious* would be a setup for failure. Most of the time, we all laugh at the absurdity of the answer and the situation.

You had to be there, bro...

Duke Igthorn posted:

the vagina monologues

quote:

Today I decided to sell a ton of stuff around the house. I've been feeling cramped with all the other stuff I have been sourcing. Nothing big has been selling because of the snow.
I gathered every extra item I own, listed it, and was on a roll. Clothes, shoes, etc were selling like crazy. A guy stopped by for a $1 combination lock. Easy. Sell, move on. Then a few hours later the guy starts blowing up his phone, certain he gave me a $5 and not a $1. I tried to be nice -- I had no $5 bills because I ran out of change hours earlier. I offered him $4 worth of something I was selling. A DVD, video game, phone charger, whatever, as a token of good faith. In this area, you tend to deal witt the same people so it pays to be nice. But the guy went insane and started demanding my banking information, certain that it was my fault he was $4 short. Acting like I stole money from him. I finally snapped and told him to move on. With the response I got, I was certain this guy was going to kill me over $4. Later, a friend came over and saw the guy's facebook...he was driving a brand new Mustang, but was about to shred me over $4.
A few hours later, I was back to selling clothes. I had a ton of club/dance dresses to get rid of. I didn't really care about the profit, I just wanted everything removed from my property without me having to trudge through the -25 weather. I had girls in and out all day, no problem. However, later I realized some of the electronics I was selling were missing. I have a drat good idea who did it, but I can't figure out how. I never had my eyes off her, and I worked internal security for uni for several years, monitoring tapes and suspicious people, and acting as a plainclothes "student." Girl has to be one hell of a shoplifter. Which I don't understand. Her outfit cost more than every thing I was selling. What would a rich girl like that want with used electronics..?They werent even nice electronics, worth maybe $10. It's not a thrill to steal from a private place, it's easy and there are rarely consequences if caught. Her wallet was full of cash too.
Anyway, the psycho lock guy has officially made me concerned about mentally unstable buyers knowing where I live, and the stealing girl has made me realize how easy a target I am when selling from home. Easy to case the house, no cameras, etc. Thus, I have began my ebay adventure. I hope I like it. Pretty psyched about not dealing with people face-to-face. Working on living with someone and getting a gun for local sales (grew up around guns, pretty common in the Midwest). I already have a huge dog.
In other weird things today, a college girl came over "just out of the shower" for clothes. Stripped in my living room without warning, happened to "forget" to wear a tee under her coat, so she was down to her bra immediately. It was the strangest display I have ever seen. Like a porno plot come to life. How often does a pretty blonde college girl walk into your house and take her clothes off immediately? I would never take my clothes off in front of a stranger, male or female. Is this a normal girl thing? I was so uncomfortable, and I am a girl!
And finally, on all flips I advertised a 20% donation to the animal shelter on all proceeds. I was surprisingly stunned by how many people gave me extra money for donation. One girl bought $20 worth of stuff and gave $20 to be donated. It was nice to see some humanity and trust in a field that can be pretty brutal. And yes, I will be donating 20% of my sales plus 100% of the extra money given to me to the animal shelter in memory of my cat, who was apart of my life from age 4 to 22. She was a stray and turned out to be the best cat ever. Miss that girl...hopefully the money I donate will help another cat just like her find a loving home.

corn in the bible posted:

Friend: “Shut up! This is simple; it’s Chinese!”

Lblitzer posted:

Worst Craigslist sale day of my life

kinmik posted:

The first half wherein the customer accuses our dear protagonist of stealing the tip is completely plausible, because people are just lovely like that. The part where she vindicates herself (on the behalf of the jilted nephew of course) is where it all takes a tumble into stdh. I've seen the...artist's other poo poo illustrated stories and they're all on the same unbelievable level of "insane wacky hijinks I get myself into lol ^__^".

Judge Tesla posted:

I like the effort this one went too, STDH or not!

Evilreaver posted:

This reads like a checklist of 'things to upvote'
-Writer is a girl, a nice girl who does nice things for people
-Also she's poor and vulnerable
-Crazy money guy (who is rich)
-Girl stealing things (stuck up rich bitch, right?! those people!)
-She has a dog
-LOL girls stripping, so random?? She's so embarrassed! And don't forget her gender either
-She donates money on account of her 'does nice things for people' attribute - because sheloves her late cat, dead cat boo hoo :'(

Evilreaver posted:

That was stolen from a poo poo-that-did-happen (the first half), then she made up the rest whole cloth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw2ZdKhYhj0

Evilreaver posted:

That was stolen from a poo poo-that-did-happen (the first half), then she made up the rest whole cloth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw2ZdKhYhj0

quote:

Filipinos Have Twenty Different Words For Snow
HIGH SCHOOL | ENGLAND, UK | EXTRA STUPID, GEOGRAPHY, STUDENTS, THEME OF THE MONTH
(A new girl just started today. She’s from the Philippines; I’m white British. She’s seated next to me. A classmate comes over.)

Classmate: *to me* “Are you the new girl?”

(I’ve been at this high school for three years at this point, and in this class for several months.)

Classmate: “I hear you come from the Philippines. Where is that?”

Me: “It’s up north, near Sweden.”

Classmate: “Wow! It must be really cold up there! Is it really different living in the UK?”

Me: “Yep. I used to use huskies and a sled to travel everywhere, but now I just have to use the bus.”

Classmate: “I wish we used sleds.”

(The new girl is laughing, but my classmate is oblivious. I’m trying to figure out how far I can push it.)

Me: “We lived in igloos, too, not these weird brick houses. And we had fresh ice cream every day. You just scooped it off the ground after every snowfall.”

Classmate: “Why the hell did you move here instead?”

Me: “Global warming. After our back garden fell into the ocean, we knew it was time to go.”

Classmate: “D***. I always thought it was hot there. That’s why the cheese is so wet.”

Me: “The… cheese?”

Classmate: “It’s got the same name; it comes from there, right?”

Me: *catching on* “You mean Philadelphia cheese?”

Classmate: “Yeah.”

(The new girl and I completely lost it, and he walked off looking confused. She and I became friends after that, and it didn’t end up being the last time we played that trick on someone!)

kinmik posted:

The first half wherein the customer accuses our dear protagonist of stealing the tip is completely plausible, because people are just lovely like that. The part where she vindicates herself (on the behalf of the jilted nephew of course) is where it all takes a tumble into stdh. I've seen the...artist's other poo poo illustrated stories and they're all on the same unbelievable level of "insane wacky hijinks I get myself into lol ^__^".

Das Boo posted:

There's no way in hell I could connect "Philippines wet cheese" and "Philadelphia cream cheese."

Out of curiosity, how prominent is the Kraft brand in the UK? I only ever seemed to be able to find it in the US commissary when I was overseas, but I'm sure Asia's a different animal.

Judge Tesla posted:

Kraft bought Cadbury so they are very well known here, before that they were the makers of soft cheese, the mentioned Philadelphia and crackers, best known for Ritz biscuits.

quote:

Today in the park I was walking my dog and there was this other girl walking her poodle. She was really pretty and very very nice. Our dogs played for a little while. And then her poodle squatted and pooped, and when she leaned down to pick it up a dude started yelling obscenities about how he’d like to put his dick in her rear end.

She got up and literally threw the bag of warm poop at him.

It hit him in the face.

I got to witness that. This might be the best day of my life.

Das Boo posted:

tumblr STDH:

dijon du jour posted:

That art style looks familiar. Is this the same girl who claims that in grade school she ran a business where she would take fruit roll ups from the other girls in exchange making the boys to show them their weiners?

kinmik posted:

I have no idea. I've only ever seen two others by her on imgur. One of them detailed her running around with those flexible glowsticks in the woods and getting mistaken for a creature of some sort by a couple of passersby. Who of course then lost their heads and ran away screaming and the next day the "monster" was the talk of the town.

Judge Tesla posted:

I like the effort this one went too, STDH or not!

EmmyOk posted:

KiddieGrinder posted:

So it's like School of Rock but without the music, the funny, or anything. "He wasn't even a teacher...the end."

For the other stdh I had to look up what "rpi b+" was and it's the Raspberry Pi, which most teachers probably would be concerned about some kid plugging in to a school computer. Especially as it's probably hard enough to get the little bastards to not play solitaire or browse facebook/tumblr, to have one of your students hooking up a mini pc to a school computer and do god knows what would make me worried too. And I doubt the teachers thought he was hacking (author just put that because that's what he wants people to think, hell that's probably why he brought the loving thing), but more likely because he wasn't doing whatever school work he was supposed to be doing.

Only thing he might have gotten "banned" from was use of computers though, not the whole loving school.

Tunicate posted:

It's totally plausible. There are just two facts we're missing.

First, he's twenty-six.

Second, he was homeschooled.

KiddieGrinder posted:

Ah well it does make more sense then, sounds like poo poo that did happen.

Adult sneaking in to perv on students, brought his pi full of erotic hentai games to play hoping one would ask him about it or something ("why, do you like what you see?" ), got caught, police involved, banned from school property. Open and shut case boys.

KiddieGrinder posted:

Yay for meaningless patronizing gestures of goodwill! I know my self-esteem and happiness would increase if I saw some maniac driving by smiling and waving at me. My crippling depression and self loathing would virtually vanish in an instant because some random jerk-off who doesn't know anything about me waved at me.

I wouldn't think he was insane, or being sarcastic and making fun of me, or just really weird, or even waving to someone else I didn't notice! Nope, not at all! Thanks driving-around-wavy-guy!

oldpainless posted:

Are you ok?

KiddieGrinder posted:

Yay for meaningless patronizing gestures of goodwill! I know my self-esteem and happiness would increase if I saw some maniac driving by smiling and waving at me. My crippling depression and self loathing would virtually vanish in an instant because some random jerk-off who doesn't know anything about me waved at me.

I wouldn't think he was insane, or being sarcastic and making fun of me, or just really weird, or even waving to someone else I didn't notice! Nope, not at all! Thanks driving-around-wavy-guy!