shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Karma Comedian: Feb 2, 2012

Errant Gin Monks posted:

As a vet I can dig this. I also dig socialism. When I joined they gave me free housing, free health care, travel money, food, everything I needed.

And yet everyone there still voted republican.

Huh.

Well yeah, Republicans want to increase defense spending. Welfare moochers vote their own interests. Ask the Republicans.

# ? Mar 22, 2015 16:47

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# ? May 27, 2024 12:39

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

You better watch out!

quote:

OWEN'S REDEMPTION

BY F. ALLEN NORMAN, JR.

It was Thanksgiving a few years back, I'm thinking probably 2006; and I had spent all night the past night and most of the morning taking people to the airports and other transportation hubs. Myself, I couldn't make it back home that year, so I sought out a place that didn't require reservations and served a banquet with a real turkey. I found one at a corner of northern Old Town Alexandria. I was into my second helping of turkey and fixin's when a family came in and got seated.

One member of the family was a rather rambunctious little lad of about 5 or 6. His mother kept telling him not to run in the restaurant, but he kept it up. The whole scene was making many of the diners a bit uncomfortable, me in part because I thought the kid was going to run headfirst into a table corner or otherwise hurt himself.

Finally I stood up, dressed in my best suit. I addressed the boy's mother: "Madam, if I may, I'd like to have a word with your son" I said.

"Who are you?" she asked quizzically.

"I am Inspector Allen. I'm with the North Pole Police" I replied, looking dead serious.

The mother and everyone in the restaurant caught right on and gasped. "Owen!' the mother said, 'Look! It's an elf!"

Little Owen was awed at how suddenly things had gotten very quiet, and how he was suddenly the center of everyone's attention ... especially this big man who (he thought) was one of Santa's secret police. "Owen' I began, 'Do you know how Santa knows if you've been bad or good?"

Owen just bit his lip and fidgeted.

"Well, Owen, he has his own police force. They might be taxi drivers like me and they might even be the ice cream man in the summer. But we all take notes, and mommies and daddies write to us, too. Now today, just now, I watched you not minding your mom. Owen, let me tell you something."

Owen's eyes began tearing up as I continued: "Now, Owen, Santa knows little boys are going to want to rip and tear and run around. In fact, if little boys didn't like to rip and tear, Santa would be worried. And if you had gotten yourself hurt today, it would have ruined everyone's Thanksgiving; and it would have made Santa very sad. Santa doesn't want little boys to get hurt. That's why you should always listen to your mother when she tells you to sit still."

The kid was on the verge of a full-bore cry as if he were anticipating a whipping. So just before the waterworks began in earnest, I softened my voice and said: "Owen, are you crying because you think I'm going to tell Santa you were bad today?"

He sniffled, choked back a sob, and nodded.

I gave him a thoughtful look. "Okay, Owen, let me tell you what I'm going to do. Now, you're a little kid because you need to learn stuff, right?"

The boy nodded.

"All right, that's right. Learning is what little boys are supposed to do. Now, since I told you why you should mind your mom, did you learn anything?"

Looking bewildered about where I was going with this, Owen nodded again.

"Well, then, if you are supposed to learn, and learning is what you did today, then you did what you are supposed to do. and doing what you're supposed to do is being good"

As Owen's eyes began to clear, I pulled out a pocket New Testament, pretending it was my policeman's notebook. "So', I announced, 'I'm going to write in my report that Owen was GOOD on Thanksgiving!"

I have never seen such a reversal of despair into joy. "THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" he exulted. I told him to remember what he had learned, and returned to my table to a standing ovation from the other adults in the dining room.

I don't know whatever became of young Owen, who is probably 13 or 14 right now. But when I think of Owen's reaction when he realized he had been forgiven, I think of what thankfulness we should all feel as we celebrate the birth of our true Savior this season. Owen's redemption should reflect our own.

THE END

AND

A VERY

MERRY CHRISTMAS

TO ALL!!

Posted by F. Allen Norman at 11:25 AM

# ? Mar 23, 2015 16:32

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Khazar-khum posted:

"Well, then, if you are supposed to learn, and learning is what you did today, then you did what you are supposed to do. and doing what you're supposed to do is being good"

Airtight logic.

# ? Mar 23, 2015 17:30

System Metternich: Feb 28, 2010; But what did he mean by that?

I think the realisation that Santa has his very own Gestapo with Mom and Dad merrily snitching on me would have been terrifying for me as a boy. Luckily this poo poo didn't happen, or I would fear for Owen's belief in humanity :ohdear:

# ? Mar 23, 2015 17:33

Rahonavis: Jan 11, 2012; "Clevuh gurrrl..."

System Metternich posted:

I think the realisation that Santa has his very own Gestapo with Mom and Dad merrily snitching on me would have been terrifying for me as a boy. Luckily this poo poo didn't happen, or I would fear for Owen's belief in humanity

Nothing has ever not happened harder than this story did not happen but ye gods, speaking as the sensitive kid who was always freaked out by the lyrics to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", this would've ruined me.

The bit where he pulls out a pocket New Testament though... :allears:

# ? Mar 23, 2015 21:36

Roro: Oct 9, 2012; HOO'S HEAD GOES ALL THE WAY AROUND?

I can believe telling the kid that Santa is watching them, hell I once told a kid that the CCTV camera on the ceiling was Santa's, but no loving way would a kid listen that intently. Even I got the child equivalent of a "gently caress you".

# ? Mar 23, 2015 22:40

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Not even an "Owen, what did you learn today?" C'mon man at least try

# ? Mar 24, 2015 00:08

change my name: Aug 27, 2007; Legends die but anime is forever.

RIP The Lost Otakus.

Pocket bibles can stop a bullet AND make children behave! Is there anything they CAN'T do?

# ? Mar 24, 2015 00:52

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Make a STDH story more believable?

# ? Mar 24, 2015 00:58

Bunni-kat: May 25, 2010; Service Desk B-b-bunny...
How can-ca-caaaaan I
help-p-p-p you?

Khazar-khum posted:

You better watch out!

And that child was Owen Hart.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 01:27

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Avenging_Mikon posted:

And that child was Owen Hart.

Then we all know what happened to him. 😢

# ? Mar 24, 2015 04:09

Leninboarrir: May 11, 2006; stupid monster

A friend from college. He got all gun-nutty and right-wing since we graduated, so maybe he needed this fake story to balance it out?

The rest of the comments were just more back patting.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 05:23

Jay Rust: Sep 27, 2011

I hope to God that the "Go back to Germany, you scum" is meant to be ironic.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 07:35

WaltherFeng: May 15, 2013; 50 thousand people used to live here. Now, it's the Mushroom Kingdom.

Jay Rust posted:

I hope to God that the "Go back to Germany, you scum" is meant to be ironic.

This story desperately needs a WW2 reference.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 08:10

System Metternich: Feb 28, 2010; But what did he mean by that?

It's true, we loving hate Josie Mencia.

(Who is this guy?)

# ? Mar 24, 2015 10:13

Sentient Data: Aug 31, 2011; My molecule scrambler ray will disintegrate your armor with one blow!

Josie's the leader of an all-female novelty band that Hanna Barbera did a documentary on in the 70s(?), but the author obviously hates those pussies

# ? Mar 24, 2015 11:41

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Leninboarrir posted:

A friend from college. He got all gun-nutty and right-wing since we graduated, so maybe he needed this fake story to balance it out?

The rest of the comments were just more back patting.

Wasn't Finn McCools on Bar Rescue or some such thing?

# ? Mar 24, 2015 12:48

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Khazar-khum posted:

Wasn't Finn McCools on Bar Rescue or some such thing?

Yes! That's where I know it from! P sure it was on Gordon Ramsey's show at some point. I knew I had seen that name before, just could not place it.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uuoRDleXMFw

Fathis Munk has a new favorite as of 12:53 on Mar 24, 2015

# ? Mar 24, 2015 12:51

Rapman the Cook: Aug 24, 2013; by Ralp

Most/All of this

http://www.reddit.com/r/Homebrewing/comments/300r0j/any_fun_ideas_for_hosting_a_beer_tasting/

# ? Mar 24, 2015 14:15

Leninboarrir: May 11, 2006; stupid monster

Fathis Munk posted:

Yes! That's where I know it from! P sure it was on Gordon Ramsey's show at some point. I knew I had seen that name before, just could not place it.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uuoRDleXMFw

Unfortunately, it's probably not the same Finn McCool's-the person I quoted lives in Colorado.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 14:32

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

I'm so glad imgur is anonymous so I can upload this without attaching my name to it.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 14:44

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

While it's obvious that it won't work for a lot of people, and that the article is a joke, a number of retired people do go to a lot of cruises since it's cheaper than being on land for them. At least according to a colleague who worked in cruises.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 14:47

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Some people actually do that, yeah.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 15:57

Not My Leg: Nov 6, 2002; AYN RAND AKBAR!

Leninboarrir posted:

Unfortunately, it's probably not the same Finn McCool's-the person I quoted lives in Colorado.

There are apparently a lot of "Irish" bars named Finn McCool's, presumably after Fionn mac Cumhaill.

Should have gone with Finn McCumhail's.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 18:06

Drunk Tomato: Apr 23, 2010; If God wanted us sober,
He'd knock the glass over.

Not My Leg posted:

There are apparently a lot of "Irish" bars named Finn McCool's, presumably after Fionn mac Cumhaill.

Should have gone with Finn McCumhail's.

Yeah there's a college bar named that right next to UW in Seattle that I used to go get trashed at. In my head I was imagining that place for the story. Still worked.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 18:53

Stoatbringer: Sep 15, 2004; naw, you love it you little ho-bot

WaltherFeng posted:

This story desperately needs a WW2 reference.

Don't mention the war!

# ? Mar 24, 2015 22:42

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Not My Leg posted:

There are apparently a lot of "Irish" bars named Finn McCool's, presumably after Fionn mac Cumhaill.

Should have gone with Finn McCumhail's.

Nah McCool is phonetically correct but septics wouldn't have a hope of reading Cumhaill correctly.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 23:03

Not My Leg: Nov 6, 2002; AYN RAND AKBAR!

Drunk Tomato posted:

Yeah there's a college bar named that right next to UW in Seattle that I used to go get trashed at. In my head I was imagining that place for the story. Still worked.

Me too. Agree that it still works.

EmmyOk posted:

Nah McCool is phonetically correct but septics wouldn't have a hope of reading Cumhaill correctly.

I know it's the accepted spelling (transliteration?) but McCumhail is funnier.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 23:34

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

EmmyOk posted:

Nah McCool is phonetically correct but septics wouldn't have a hope of reading Cumhaill correctly.

How the gently caress does your language even work to get that kind of pronunciation ? I mean French and German have a couple weird ones but come on.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 23:37

A 50S RAYGUN: Aug 22, 2011

it works totally fine if you design your phonetic system to avoid calling your mythology figures 'cum-hail', although imo cumhail would be a really cool name for a warrior-god.

# ? Mar 24, 2015 23:45

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Fathis Munk posted:

How the gently caress does your language even work to get that kind of pronunciation ? I mean French and German have a couple weird ones but come on.

Sin�ad
Aoife
Conch�ir
Mairead
C�chulainn
Ois�n

Please write down the phonetics of how you would pronounce these, then I will tell you the answers. The linguistic rules or Irish are amazingly obtuse

# ? Mar 25, 2015 00:02

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

EmmyOk posted:

Sin�ad
Aoife
Conch�ir
Mairead
C�chulainn
Ois�n

Please write down the phonetics of how you would pronounce these, then I will tell you the answers. The linguistic rules or Irish are amazingly obtuse

You left out Siobhan.

# ? Mar 25, 2015 00:33

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

EmmyOk posted:

Sin�ad
Aoife
Conch�ir
Mairead
C�chulainn
Ois�n

Please write down the phonetics of how you would pronounce these, then I will tell you the answers. The linguistic rules or Irish are amazingly obtuse

Uuuh I dunno.

Shina
If
Conshu
Merid
Cushulen
Isin

No fuckin clue. I had seen Cuchulainn before as a mythological character, however I think I never heard it pronounced. I just randomly picked sounds to remove cause I want to know the actual pronunciation :v:

# ? Mar 25, 2015 00:41

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

The Pogues say it as "Koo-killin:"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcPIA6_zKX4

# ? Mar 25, 2015 00:45

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

EmmyOk posted:

Sin�ad
Aoife
Conch�ir
Mairead
C�chulainn
Ois�n

Please write down the phonetics of how you would pronounce these, then I will tell you the answers. The linguistic rules or Irish are amazingly obtuse

Shin-aid

Eee-fuh

Dunno about the next two

Coohoolen

Oh-sheen

I got a D in Irish, so....

Irish is really hard, nobody make fun.

# ? Mar 25, 2015 00:51

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

It's kind of a case where a different alphabet masquerades as the same alphabet. There's some overlap but you're better off just starting from scratch practically.

# ? Mar 25, 2015 00:54

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Pththya-lyi posted:

The Pogues say it as "Koo-killin:"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcPIA6_zKX4

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a0/Cuchulainn-audio.ogg

# ? Mar 25, 2015 00:56

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Conch�ir...Connor?
Mairead...Meeraid?

I know Cuchulainn (Coohillan), Siobhan (Shivahn), and Niamh (Neeve) thanks to people I knew in high school. If you have any other Irish name, I'm out.

# ? Mar 25, 2015 01:03

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

bringmyfishback posted:

Shin-aid

Eee-fuh

Dunno about the next two

Coohoolen

Oh-sheen

I got a D in Irish, so....

Irish is really hard, nobody make fun.

Fathis Munk posted:

Uuuh I dunno.

Shina
If
Conshu
Merid
Cushulen
Isin

No fuckin clue. I had seen Cuchulainn before as a mythological character, however I think I never heard it pronounced. I just randomly picked sounds to remove cause I want to know the actual pronunciation

That was pretty good bringbackmyfish!

Sin�ad = Shin-aid
Aoife = Eefa
Conch�ir = Cruh-hure (this is the Irish for Conor, or rather Conor is the anglicised version of this)
Mairead = Muh-raid
C�chulainn = Coo-khullen
Ois�n = Usheen

Conch�ir is my favourite because even other Irish words that are spelled similarly aren't pronounced like that. For example conradh is pronounced cun-rah. Irish like English is full of those "this is the rule in all cases, except for when it isn't" rules!

To learn Irish just go to an all-Irish school as a child where they scream at you till you cry if you speak English!

# ? Mar 25, 2015 01:03

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# ? May 27, 2024 12:39

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

EmmyOk posted:

To learn Irish just go to an all-Irish school as a child where they scream at you till you cry if you speak English!

If it's that easy, why isn't everybody doing it?

# ? Mar 25, 2015 01:07

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