shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

«‹›317 »

drunk: Jan 26, 2010

Rahonavis posted:

Here's some classic STDH, picked up as real news by a Disney blog, and presented with a nightmare of formatting choices. That Captain Hook .gif...

The comments led me to a tumblr that has a lot more creepy Peter Pan STDH. And apparently there's something called Disneybounding? I'm guessing it's cosplay.

Edit:

Anonymous asked:
A few days ago I met Peter Pan in Florida and it was probably the highlight of my trip. He saw my skull gloves and asked why my hands were like that and I said that it made me different. Then he said that my ears(i was wearing Minnie ears)made me different too and he started talking into them. After we took our photo and signed some stuff I asked for a hug and he was like "ugg fine ok" and hugged me. I pulled him closer and then he pulled away really quickly . Overall he was super sweet and cute.

drunk has a new favorite as of 06:28 on Mar 29, 2015

# ? Mar 29, 2015 06:24

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 27, 2024 09:11

drunk: Jan 26, 2010

Here's a couple more from the above blog:

# ? Mar 29, 2015 06:45

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

Non Serviam posted:

quote:
Backstory: Been going out with this beautiful girl for some months. We have been having good time under the sheets with waves crashing at both ends. But as with women, it takes them a bit longer than the guys. Also, I absolutely love to see the joy on a woman's face after an orgasm. So to increase my karma points I decided equip myself with skills. Read about female anatomy and saw some nice science videos. Decided to bring theory into practical use last night. Success!
I'm sure you did.

Again with those drat points

# ? Mar 29, 2015 07:00

Thin Privilege: Jul 8, 2009; IM A STUPID MORON WITH AN UGLY FACE AND A BIG BUTT AND MY BUTT SMELLS AND I LIKE TO KISS MY OWN BUTT; Gravy Boat 2k

Sentient Data posted:

Can't do anything about it being a meme, but can't she sue about it being used commercially without compensation?

The cat with a tie is a goon's cat iirc

Non Serviam posted:

I'm sure you did.

Did he have a timer set up? I'm imagining that behind her head there's his smart phone with the stopwatch going. "Hold on baby I need to tap on start before I begin"

# ? Mar 29, 2015 07:50

BrainDance: May 8, 2007; Disco all night long!

Zaphod42 posted:

It is an actual ceremony with Tibet and the Dalai Lama though, isn't it? They put a bunch of items on a blanket and if you can pick something out that belonged to the last Dalai Lama, then its a sign you're the reincarnation.

That or cartoons lied to me.

Most STDH stories piss me off or just make me shake my head with how stupid they are. This one though... I dunno you guys. I thought it was sweet.

Korean people do it too. Kid's first birthday and they put a few things out and see which one they go for, and it tells something about their personality. People don't take it too seriously, it's just a tradition like making a wish I guess when you blow out birthday candles, just a bit bigger and more formal.

I don't see what's unbelievable about the story. It's probably a little exaggerated, I doubt he shoved all the things aside and stuff but the kid probably just went for his dad because he was a confused little kid and loved his dad, so that's what kids do.

# ? Mar 29, 2015 08:12

Afraid of Audio: Oct 12, 2012; by exmarx

BrainDance posted:

Korean people do it too. Kid's first birthday and they put a few things out and see which one they go for, and it tells something about their personality. People don't take it too seriously, it's just a tradition like making a wish I guess when you blow out birthday candles, just a bit bigger and more formal.

I don't see what's unbelievable about the story. It's probably a little exaggerated, I doubt he shoved all the things aside and stuff but the kid probably just went for his dad because he was a confused little kid and loved his dad, so that's what kids do.

dad: this will determine the rest of your life

kid: no dad you are the one i love the most

dad: why are we written in a script format this makes no sense

# ? Mar 29, 2015 09:24

Serperoth: Feb 21, 2013

schizo penguin posted:

The comments led me to a tumblr that has a lot more creepy Peter Pan STDH. And apparently there's something called Disneybounding? I'm guessing it's cosplay.

I googled it, and it's even sadder than that. Cosplay is not allowed in Disney parks apparently, so Disneybounding is going to the parks wearing outfits ~inspired~ by a character.

# ? Mar 29, 2015 09:38

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Serperoth posted:

I googled it, and it's even sadder than that. Cosplay is not allowed in Disney parks apparently, so Disneybounding is going to the parks wearing outfits ~inspired~ by a character.

I have to wonder how many showers those Peter Pans have to take to get all the creepy off of them.

# ? Mar 29, 2015 09:52

Stoatbringer: Sep 15, 2004; naw, you love it you little ho-bot

Non Serviam posted:

I'm sure you did.

I know it's not the meme thread, but this seems relevant.

Backstory:

Me and this guy have been going out for some months. He's been trying really hard for a while now. So I decided to fake it. Nothing beats seeing the joy on his face.

I'm terrible

# ? Mar 29, 2015 11:08

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Serperoth posted:

I googled it, and it's even sadder than that. Cosplay is not allowed in Disney parks apparently, so Disneybounding is going to the parks wearing outfits ~inspired~ by a character.

To their credit, a least the outfits look better than I would have expected. http://disneybound.tumblr.com

# ? Mar 29, 2015 14:10

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Non Serviam posted:

To their credit, a least the outfits look better than I would have expected. http://disneybound.tumblr.com

The catalog shots look great, the execution... Varies.

# ? Mar 29, 2015 14:14

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

FrozenVent posted:

The catalog shots look great, the execution... Varies.

Probably a lot of xxl

# ? Mar 29, 2015 15:28

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

FrozenVent posted:

The catalog shots look great, the execution... Varies.

Polyvore giveth, and reality taketh away.

# ? Mar 30, 2015 01:14

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Incredible.

http://www.wgrz.com/news/article/186789/2/Light-Rail-Avenger-Breaks-Up-Fight-With-Sword

# ? Mar 30, 2015 06:42

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Oh God, the interview is amazing. That guy is at maximum Troper.

# ? Mar 30, 2015 06:51

A 50S RAYGUN: Aug 22, 2011

is this a loving joke? good for him for breaking up a fight but who actually thinks these things?

i carry this sword...because i would be more dangerous without it.

# ? Mar 30, 2015 13:56

tater_salad: Sep 15, 2007

Khazar-khum posted:

Incredible.

http://www.wgrz.com/news/article/186789/2/Light-Rail-Avenger-Breaks-Up-Fight-With-Sword

Was interested becsuse wgrz is a local news site, but actually its in pahonix

They made fun of me for being a samuari. .. whose laughing now high school... whose laughing now.

tater_salad has a new favorite as of 14:15 on Mar 30, 2015

# ? Mar 30, 2015 14:13

Nth Doctor: Sep 7, 2010; Darkrai used Dream Eater!
It's super effective!

Khazar-khum posted:

Incredible.

http://www.wgrz.com/news/article/186789/2/Light-Rail-Avenger-Breaks-Up-Fight-With-Sword

When you make up your own name, why not call yourself Asskicking Sexhaver?

# ? Mar 30, 2015 14:42

SybilVimes: Oct 29, 2011

Non Serviam posted:

To their credit, a least the outfits look better than I would have expected. http://disneybound.tumblr.com

Their bambi collection that involves suede boots...

:drat:

# ? Mar 30, 2015 15:20

CrotchDropJeans: Jan 4, 2015

Sentient Data posted:

Can't do anything about it being a meme, but can't she sue about it being used commercially without compensation?

I haven't talked to her in a long time but IIRC she does have a lawyer contact commercial users. She knows the pic is totally out of her hands now but if she happens to come across something like that she'll politely ask them to stop.

# ? Mar 30, 2015 15:28

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

Hahaha a full five-stage plan to take everyone out.

This makes me think twice about every troper tale that's been posted here.

# ? Mar 30, 2015 15:53

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

Khazar-khum posted:

Incredible.

http://www.wgrz.com/news/article/186789/2/Light-Rail-Avenger-Breaks-Up-Fight-With-Sword

That's amazing.

He's wearing his same baseball cap and behind-the-head earphones in the interiew he had on the subway. He probably wears those 24/7. This guy is a wannabe Aiden Pearce.

quote:

"They thought I was moving out of the way, but really I was moving to where his blind spot was. Truth is they weren't even a challenge."

"Its folded, tempered, and it does its job. I had a full 5-stage plan to take everybody out. And everybody else who got involved, just in case. That's just how I do things."

"I'm more dangerous without it than with it, so its more like a restraint"

This guy is Mac from Its Always Sunny in real life.

Shouldn't he be arrested for wielding a deadly weapon in public? I guess the police let him off the hook for busting up a fight? Seriously though he should be arrested right after they finish the interview; okay you just admitted to it dumbass, here's your ticket. Although the whole thing was on video so they don't even need his confession. :doh:

Zaphod42 has a new favorite as of 16:08 on Mar 30, 2015

# ? Mar 30, 2015 16:05

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Man, cops try to book that guy and you know some pencils are getting broken. That kid is ~~going to die alone surrounded by tentacle porn anime~~ inhuman.

Also, good thing he didn't enact his five stage plan because step one, i.e., running through an unarmed man, is pretty much murder.

# ? Mar 30, 2015 16:23

WaltherFeng: May 15, 2013; 50 thousand people used to live here. Now, it's the Mushroom Kingdom.

walrusman posted:

Hahaha a full five-stage plan to take everyone out.

This makes me think twice about every troper tale that's been posted here.

"Mind if I... Cut in?" said Seijuro as he flourished his Hanzo steel

WaltherFeng has a new favorite as of 16:32 on Mar 30, 2015

# ? Mar 30, 2015 16:29

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

walrusman posted:

Hahaha a full five-stage plan to take everyone out.

This makes me think twice about every troper tale that's been posted here.

The picture gave out halfway through but just listening to it was painful. Good God.

# ? Mar 30, 2015 16:50

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Friend of a friend:

http://articles.baltimoresun.com/2010-01-29/news/bal-md.homicide29jan29_1_samurai-three-other-students-dennis-o-shea

Article makes him sound like a shithead, but he was pretty traumatized by the whole thing, from what I heard (unlike crazy train guy).

Moral of the story: Don't go around waving swords. Especially on a crowded train, jesus loving christ.

# ? Mar 30, 2015 19:42

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Nth Doctor posted:

This got crossposted to the Awkard Ugly and Gross thread and someone pointed out that the news items on the side form a self contained story. Which is remarkably true.

Zaphod42 posted:

Shouldn't he be arrested for wielding a deadly weapon in public? I guess the police let him off the hook for busting up a fight?

I'm kind of surprised by that too.

# ? Mar 30, 2015 19:50

Boris Galerkin: Dec 17, 2011; I don't understand why I can't harass people online. Seriously, somebody please explain why I shouldn't be allowed to stalk others on social media!

Zaphod42 posted:

Shouldn't he be arrested for wielding a deadly weapon in public? I guess the police let him off the hook for busting up a fight? Seriously though he should be arrested right after they finish the interview; okay you just admitted to it dumbass, here's your ticket. Although the whole thing was on video so they don't even need his confession.

It's Arizona. You can pretty much own and carry all manners of deadly weapons as long as youre not brown, probably.

# ? Mar 30, 2015 23:24

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

hyperhazard posted:

Friend of a friend:

http://articles.baltimoresun.com/2010-01-29/news/bal-md.homicide29jan29_1_samurai-three-other-students-dennis-o-shea

Article makes him sound like a shithead, but he was pretty traumatized by the whole thing, from what I heard (unlike crazy train guy).

Moral of the story: Don't go around waving swords. Especially on a crowded train, jesus loving christ.

Man, bleeding to death from having your hand cut off is a really, really lovely way to die.

# ? Mar 31, 2015 22:24

Sierra Nevadan: Nov 1, 2010

quote:

This happened in the early 2000s, and is my first post to /r/TFR, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

I worked at a chain family-owned grocery store. I had been working through the ranks and was head cashier at the time, which basically meant I figured out breaks and handled customers when the cashiers couldn't.

This fine summer afternoon, I spot him, this creepy guy. Anyway, he was in line to one of our cuter cashiers, who, as soon as she saw him, flashed her checkout light signaling for help.

Backstory: This is the disgusting part, and I cannot deny or prove this; however, I had heard from several sources that this guy liked to go into the checkouts of cute girls, stare at them for a bit, then go home and while staring at their name on the receipt, jerk off to them.

Anyway, back to the story. As I saw the cute girls light flash, I knew immediately what to do. I waited a few moments until the man was committed to the line, then bee-lined it straight to her register, told her to sign out and go on break (wasn't really her time to go, it was more of an excuse to not arouse suspicion).

Got him - I knew the man had already placed his half gallon of milk and other sad groceries on the belt, and couldn't escape. His smirk deflated in front of my eyes like a child opening a box for Christmas and it revealing a subscription to Field & Stream magazine.

I gave him the heartiest "Hello! How are you today?!" smiling and making eye contact. Here�s where I decided to push the awkward meter further. I decided to maintain eye contact the entire time I rang him out.

He mumbled something incoherent, but I didn't care. I was beaming on the inside. However, my job was half done. I still had to ring him out.

I must've fumbled with that box of cereal for a few more seconds than I should have, but I was not going to break that eye contact. I literally felt around like a blind man, while I maintained my eyelock onto him. Oh, he started grunting and looked away multiple times, but I felt like it was my civil duty to make him as uncomfortable as he made those girls.

Thank God I had a bagger to help otherwise I would've had to bagged his items and break that eye contact. After ringing him out, for what felt like forever (was really only 5-10 items), I handed him his receipt, and when he went to grab it from me, I maintained a firm grip on it, looked him dead in the eyes, pointed to my name on the receipt and said:

"In case you didn't know, my name is DrWeeGee, I hope I provided you with excellent customer service."

I let go of the receipt and watched him twitch off. I think I saw a vein on his forehead explode. The cashier came back and thanked me for helping her with him.

Aftermath: Other cashiers and baggers apparently saw this whole ordeal, and watched the entire thing transcribe. One of the other baggers came up to me later on saying he saw the man throw the receipt out when he got outside.

After Aftermath: A few weeks later, I saw the man in queue for another female's line. Immediately, I went up to the cashier and told her to go on break, flashing him a wink and a smile. The man (I kid you not) placed his items on the floor, turned, and walked out.

Edit: Holy balls! Gold?! Many thanks!!

Edit2: Just to clarify, I have been out of retail for about 7 years and have joined the lovely world of "cubicle farms." I will post as many stories as I remember from my retail past.

# ? Apr 1, 2015 06:03

Buzzman: Feb 21, 2011

You know I'd probably also leave if the cashier was following me around and staring at me.

# ? Apr 1, 2015 07:26

Blackchamber: Jan 25, 2005

"Backstory: This is the disgusting part, and I cannot deny or prove this; however, I had heard from several sources that this guy liked to go into the checkouts of cute girls, stare at them for a bit, then go home and while staring at their name on the receipt, jerk off to them."

Yeah I'd like to know where his sources got that info. I doubt he goes around bragging about it.

Source: So I follow him home, duck into the bushes outside his window, and watch him jerking off while holding the receipt. Boy was THAT guy a weirdo.

# ? Apr 1, 2015 08:36

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

Well, just ask his coworkers. They watched the whole thing transcribe.

:eng99:

# ? Apr 1, 2015 09:04

The Shame Boy: Jan 27, 2014; Dead weight, just like this post.

That part i can believe. He was in the break room and asked everybody what he should put in his story and they watched him transcribe it.

# ? Apr 1, 2015 10:17

BrainDance: May 8, 2007; Disco all night long!

My reading comprehension might be poo poo, but what did the guy do besides give off a weird vibe?

Other than the jerking off at home thing which the writer cannot possibly know.

I feel like this did happen, and it just makes the writer a big rear end in a top hat. Like when you're in middle school and people make up stories about the weird guy. That thing at the end about the guy turning and walking away thing probably did happen, because it's probably some socially anxious dude getting treated like a criminal by the writer over and over again when he's just trying to buy some loving milk, and he knows it and gets freaked out.

Guy ain't doing anything, just let him be weird and buy his goddamn milk Jesus Christ.

# ? Apr 1, 2015 10:30

Loren1350: Mar 30, 2007

BrainDance posted:

Guy ain't doing anything, just let him be weird and buy his goddamn milk Jesus Christ.

But he made my females uncomfortable and I am a valiant knight!

# ? Apr 1, 2015 10:36

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Shintaro posted:

But he made my females uncomfortable and I am a valiant knight!

And then ALL of them stood up and married me and after one of our group sex sessions, the cute one had my baby and we named it Einstein!

# ? Apr 1, 2015 11:11

Zipperelli.: Apr 3, 2011; Nap Ghost

Samizdata posted:

And then ALL of them stood up and married me and after one of our group sex sessions, the cute one had my baby and we named it Einstein!

2/10 No one got married.

# ? Apr 1, 2015 14:04

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

Samizdata posted:

And then ALL of them stood up and married me and after one of our group sex sessions, the cute one had my baby and we named it Einstein!

EZipperelli posted:

2/10 No one got married.

What?

# ? Apr 1, 2015 14:08

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 27, 2024 09:11

Instant Jellyfish: Jul 3, 2007; Actually not a fish.

Only sex perverts buy milk by the half gallon.

# ? Apr 1, 2015 14:27

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

«‹›317 »