shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Aleph Null: Jun 10, 2008; You look very stressed; Tortured By Flan

Ratspeaker posted:

Just showed up on my timeline.

That's twice as long as the version I saw. Someone's been embellishing (what is clearly a poorly done modern parable).

# ? May 7, 2015 21:43

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# ? May 28, 2024 00:40

PUGGERNAUT: Nov 14, 2013; I AM INCREDIBLY BORING AND SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD IN THE POLITICS THREAD

People who write this garbage have no idea what proper pacing is.

# ? May 7, 2015 21:48

Thump!: Nov 25, 2007; Look, fat, here's the fact, Kulak!

For real. I'm not gonna read that and just assume it ends with a Marine named Einstein knocking that little kid the gently caress out. :toughguy:

# ? May 7, 2015 21:50

Thin Privilege: Jul 8, 2009; IM A STUPID MORON WITH AN UGLY FACE AND A BIG BUTT AND MY BUTT SMELLS AND I LIKE TO KISS MY OWN BUTT; Gravy Boat 2k

Ah, childfree. For every 1 reasonable post like "my doctor won't agree for me to have a vasectomy/hysterectomy because I'm 35 and 'too young to know what I want'" there's 1000 posts of stdh

quote:

Are all parents so entitled????? This woman was drinking Mimosas with her friends and wouldn't take two minutes out of her super fab baby talk to walk to the bathroom to change the kid's diaper. I looked over and saw a bare baby butt right on the booth. She acted like it was completely normal and just kept talking to her friends. She even called the waiter over while she was doing it to ask for another Mimosa.

As soon as we left I called and spoke with the manager. She just said "Oh....oh my God....that is.....disgusting. I think I am more disgusted than you are right now." I told her I just wanted to give her the heads up so she could properly sanitize the booth once they were gone, and she said "no, I think the only real thing to do in this situation is to burn it."

quote:

I know this isn't as bad as the parent who actually DID change their baby in a restaurant, but it boiled my blood all the same.

Bf and I went out for a nice breakfast as this famous local pancake house. We waited in line at least 30 mins to get in. It's a very small place, maybe 8 tables total inside and maybe 5 tables outside (I'm a bad estimator). The bathroom is comparatively small, with only one unisex toilet to the whole place.

Our food arrives and we're stoked, when suddenly an eyefull of mom jeans blocks out most of my vision. The family sitting directly next to us had a wrinkly baby in a stroller, and the mom got up and was causing a scene.

First she demanded to know where their changing table was. The very nice but very busy hostess apologized that they didn't have one (the place was extremely small, remember?) Entitled Spawn Mom gets nasty and says "Well I guess I'm supposed to just change him here in the restaurant then!" The poor hostess was dumbfounded and I didn't hear her response.

The mom bitches and moans at the hostess and causes more of a fuss complaining about how and where she was supposed to change her creature's lovely diaper. (Um, maybe do it before you're about to sit down to eat so the issue doesn't come up? Or maybe just wait the 5 more minutes until your meal is over rather than causing the whole restaurant to grind to a halt? Or if it's really that bad, take him to your car and do it! This isn't a national crisis, jesus.) I don't know how they finally got her to leave, or where to, but it took three waitstaff putting their heads together and apologizing to her and pandering to her rage. She eventually disappeared and we could enjoy our meal for a moment, before she reappeared with the squishy child and proclaimed "It's done!" in an annoyingly sing-songy voice to her husband.

I thought the drama was over and I could settle into my pancakes, but then the creature started wailing. I heard no attempt by either parent to sooth the baby. By that time our meal was winding down and the crying eventually dissipated. As we were leaving, we saw a bedraggled looking husband pacing on he sidewalk with the squishy life form in his arms. I held a moment of silence for the person he once was as we passed him by, thanking our lucky stars we were not interested in that life decision.

Thin Privilege has a new favorite as of 22:13 on May 7, 2015

# ? May 7, 2015 22:01

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

It was touched by a baby's bottom? Better burn everything. :rolleyes:

# ? May 7, 2015 22:09

PUGGERNAUT: Nov 14, 2013; I AM INCREDIBLY BORING AND SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD IN THE POLITICS THREAD

I love how all of those stories have the overemotional overprotective mom throwing a fit and the beaten-down sad husband who probably got spermjacked into the whole thing. They aren't even being creative with their misogyny.

# ? May 7, 2015 22:25

Leon Einstein: Feb 6, 2012; I must win every thread in GBS. I don't care how much banal semantic quibbling and shitty posts it takes.

It isn't unreasonable to expect a restaurant to have a place to change a baby. Also, 8 tables inside? I like that they threw in that they're a bad estimator like they know they're wrong, but the place has to be tiny for the story to "work".

# ? May 7, 2015 23:21

Emily Spinach: Oct 21, 2010; It�s 🌿Garland🌿!😯😯😯 No�🙅 I am become😤 😈CHAOS👿! MMMMH😋 GHAAA😫

Leon Einstein posted:

It isn't unreasonable to expect a restaurant to have a place to change a baby. Also, 8 tables inside? I like that they threw in that they're a bad estimator like they know they're wrong, but the place has to be tiny for the story to "work".

Eh, I know a place that is that small, although I don't think they'd have that many tables outside. Actually, it's even a pancake place; it's known for its Dutch style pancakes. Maybe it's the inspiration for the setting of this stdh.

# ? May 8, 2015 02:20

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

Leon Einstein posted:

It isn't unreasonable to expect a restaurant to have a place to change a baby.

Agreed. The fold down plastic changing tables are $300 and take a guy with two brain cells and a drill 20 minutes to install.

# ? May 8, 2015 03:56

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

canyoneer posted:

Agreed. The fold down plastic changing tables are $300 and take a guy with two brain cells and a drill 20 minutes to install.

It's even cheaper to stick a table in a corner. But this was a unisex bathroom, which should have a changing table anyway.

I found a festival of STDH at a childfree site.

http://www.refugees.bratfree.com/list.php?2

These people hate women. Not only do they call women wannamoos and moocunts, they can't handle the fact that hormones change when you're pregnant. An example:

quote:

GeorgeX
But this is fact: I am not saying all of you, but SOME of you, if you got pregnant and gave birth would have hormonal changes that would alter your thinking to be pro motherhood. There are many examples of women who never thought they really wanted to have kids until they actually had one, and who now could not imagine their lives any other way. There are also many 40+ year olds who have come to now regret never having kids. These are just facts. My ex girlfriend is a grade school teacher who has never wanted kids and I never tried to dissuade her from her choice so don't be hating on me too much.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1)What peer-reviewed, scholarly journals did you read to back up your "facts"? I'll answer my own question: No journals for GeorgeX. They're too hard for him to understand because he's a functional illiterate (as evidenced by the sentence fragment "don't be hating on me too much").

All you've done is spew the same tired anecdotal bullshit that we've heard before...we'd change our minds after we shat out a loaf...when we're middle aged we might regret it...blah, blah, blah. Sleep

# ? May 8, 2015 07:44

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

Aleph Null posted:

That's twice as long as the version I saw. Someone's been embellishing (what is clearly a poorly done modern parable).

PARABLE! That's ther word I was looking for.

Yeah, you get these things popping up all the time. YOU know it's STDH. I know it's STDH. The WRITER knows it's STDH but there's still a horde of people taking it as the gospel. It's mind blowing.

All those years ago did people believe Aesop really met a talking mouse who pulled up a tree or whatever?

# ? May 8, 2015 09:01

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

ChogsEnhour posted:

All those years ago did people believe Aesop really met a talking mouse who pulled up a tree or whatever?

I think there's some kind of psychological suspension of disbelief where people probably know deep down that something isn't true if you really got to asking about it, and people like us who come to reading these things with a cynical, skeptical, grumpy eye automatically disbelieve or at least nitpick parts we think are bogus. But people who like these things read them with the mindset of already wanting to believe them, marks totally ready and eager for the sell. Especially with the sites like NAR and NAW and CFH there's some confirmation bias that probably goes into it- you don't go to NAR unless you (probably work retail and) have experience watching dumb customers and getting mad at them; reading other people's anecdotes (whether they're true or not) reaffirms your views and makes you feel like your p.o.v. is in fact the correct one on earth, which makes you feel valuable and enlightened.

Blah blah people are reading these things for fun and sincere enjoyment and that's why they're supportive believers. Not that that stops me from enjoying making fun of them though :greencube:

# ? May 8, 2015 12:14

Spaceman Future!: Feb 9, 2007

Thin Privilege posted:

Ah, childfree. For every 1 reasonable post like "my doctor won't agree for me to have a vasectomy/hysterectomy because I'm 35 and 'too young to know what I want'" there's 1000 posts of stdh

My son used to like to wait until he took a big crap and he knew we were completely hands full with the post event cleanup to pee everywhere. It was his game. The thought at not just one but two people so disgusted by just a wet diaper makes me kinda want to barehand slap the author with a palm full of runny baby turd.

# ? May 8, 2015 19:01

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

My MIL lives overseas and misses American magazines, so we save our old copies for her to take back when she comes to visit. My mother just gave me a stack of magazines to pass on, and sure enough there were a couple of Readers Digests in there. I remembered those terrible jokes and "funny" blurbs readers would send in - I used to love them as a kid.

I flipped through, looking for possible thread content, and sure enough, there are pages and pages of them... and 90% are taken directly from Not Always Right, with a few Clients From Hell and Reddit stories thrown in. They're not even coming up with original STDH anymore.

# ? May 8, 2015 19:02

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Imgur Profession STDH is at it again."JHS ESL teacher in Japan"

# ? May 8, 2015 19:25

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

I was very thankful for my unresponsive nipples

# ? May 8, 2015 20:54

Your Computer: Oct 3, 2008; Grimey Drawer

sweeperbravo posted:

I was very thankful for my unresponsive nipples

New thread title.

# ? May 8, 2015 21:52

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

That just really sounds like it was written with one hand by a dude. Likely a weeb. And "even though I keep them covered"? Even as a stdh teacher, I sure as hell hope you do.

# ? May 8, 2015 22:51

razorrozar: Feb 21, 2012; by Cyrano4747

kinmik posted:

That just really sounds like it was written with one hand by a dude. Likely a weeb. And "even though I keep them covered"? Even as a stdh teacher, I sure as hell hope you do.

Women parade about with their tits out all the time (in the author's fantasies)

# ? May 8, 2015 23:04

oldpainless: Oct 30, 2009; This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
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Suns out tits out

# ? May 8, 2015 23:22

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Fathis Munk posted:

Imgur Profession STDH is at it again."JHS ESL teacher in Japan"

How massive would your hands have to be for "perfect hand fit" to translate to "big boobs?"

# ? May 9, 2015 00:52

Zamboni Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!

hyperhazard posted:

How massive would your hands have to be for "perfect hand fit" to translate to "big boobs?"

???

# ? May 9, 2015 01:00

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

hyperhazard posted:

How massive would your hands have to be for "perfect hand fit" to translate to "big boobs?"

No, but you see, it's an asian stereotype. That makes it funny and worth reblogging.

# ? May 9, 2015 01:11

Decrepus: May 21, 2008; In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.

If you need to write additional text to expand upon your meme why are you even loving bothering. Oh right, imgur people eat it up.

# ? May 9, 2015 01:19

Joey Freshwater: Jun 20, 2004; Always playing with my meat; Grimey Drawer

Decrepus posted:

If you need to write additional text to expand upon your meme why are you even loving bothering. Oh right, imgur people eat it up.

There's been a swell of "let me tell you bullshit stories about my job" posts and they're more or less guaranteed to hit the front page. But not before making a separate post asking for upvotes if people are interested in hearing about said bs stories, mind you.

:justpost:

# ? May 9, 2015 03:17

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Decrepus posted:

If you need to write additional text to expand upon your meme why are you even loving bothering. Oh right, imgur people eat it up.

Because who wants to read text without images ?

# ? May 9, 2015 09:13

Fingerless Gloves: May 21, 2011; ... aaand also go away and don't come back

Fresh off the ol' facebook.

For reference, he is indeed fat, and does not look anything like Seth Rogan.

# ? May 9, 2015 12:17

SneezeOfTheDecade: Feb 6, 2011; gettin' covid all
over your posts

Fingerless Gloves posted:

Fresh off the ol' facebook.

For reference, he is indeed fat, and does not look anything like Seth Rogan.

"It's a good thing I have enough restraint that I only committed assault!"

# ? May 9, 2015 16:36

SpaceViking: Sep 2, 2011; Who put the stars in the sky? Coyote will say he did it himself, and it is not a lie.

Themata posted:

My friend linked me this:

http://imgur.com/gallery/ZgufJ

Text dump minus macros:

tl;dr: Self-fellating bank manager makes money downloading torrents of porn off Kazaa and selling them as $8 CDs, police find 'a few suspicious child porn images' and he gets probation and goes to jail where he learns to barrel roll off balconies. Reddit-lite gives this brave Pizza Hut superstar upboats.

There's a few things that are accurate in here, but most of it is really goddamn stupid.

# ? May 9, 2015 17:14

SybilVimes: Oct 29, 2011

Besesoth posted:

"It's a good thing I have enough restraint that I only committed assault!"

He says right there that he touched him, so it was merely 'assault and battery' :smug:

# ? May 9, 2015 17:57

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Fathis Munk posted:

Imgur Profession STDH is at it again."JHS ESL teacher in Japan"

I don't believe these, because in my experience, Japanese kids don't know the word "boobs" nor how to use the word "huh" in that context, but they will absolutely talk about them/try to grab them at school and drunk Japanese women absolutely will, too. (Source: have big boobs, taught in Japan for two years.)

The stripper thing is obviously just meant to make the author seem SO EDGY.

# ? May 10, 2015 04:46

Weatherman: Jul 30, 2003; WARBLEKLONK

bringmyfishback posted:

I don't believe these, because in my experience, Japanese kids don't know the word "boobs" nor how to use the word "huh" in that context, but they will absolutely talk about them/try to grab them at school and drunk Japanese women absolutely will, too. (Source: have big boobs, taught in Japan for two years.)

The stripper thing is obviously just meant to make the author seem SO EDGY.

You don't think the stidder just translated it into the nearest English expression? I know it didn't happen but I'm 95% sure I know what the original quote would have been.

# ? May 10, 2015 05:22

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Weatherman posted:

You don't think the stidder just translated it into the nearest English expression? I know it didn't happen but I'm 95% sure I know what the original quote would have been.

'Honalable teacher must submit Amellican titties to Grorious Nippon inspection'?

# ? May 10, 2015 08:00

Metal Ray Sunshine: Jun 16, 2009; Muta's Mating Dance Rates a 5 on the Muta Scale

Some good, simple STDH courtesy of imgur frontpage

# ? May 10, 2015 09:17

Elysiume: Aug 13, 2009; Alone, she fights.

Metal Ray Sunshine posted:

Some good, simple STDH courtesy of imgur frontpage

I can totally believe that happened. It was that guy in high school who was 2edgy.

# ? May 10, 2015 09:24

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Weatherman posted:

You don't think the stidder just translated it into the nearest English expression? I know it didn't happen but I'm 95% sure I know what the original quote would have been.

Does it matter?

I mean, yeah, sure, I figured she had written a more "comprehensible" version of what was said, but that still doesn't mean those words happened. I also would have understood "Sensei! Bust BIG!" which is probably what WAS said.

# ? May 10, 2015 11:34

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

bringmyfishback posted:

t they will absolutely talk about them/try to grab them at school and drunk Japanese women absolutely will, too. (Source: have big boobs, taught in Japan for two years.)

Huh.

# ? May 10, 2015 12:41

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

bringmyfishback posted:

Does it matter?

I mean, yeah, sure, I figured she had written a more "comprehensible" version of what was said, but that still doesn't mean those words happened. I also would have understood "Sensei! Bust BIG!" which is probably what WAS said.

But her students really could have said that phrase, in japanese. This is a JHS which I assume is supposed to be middle school(unless the J is for Japanese) and I definitely knew the word boobs before then.
If GaijinSmash is to be believed, her student saying that wouldn't be so out there if she(OP) had announced that she knew at least a shred of the language. Them grabbing them seems odd though. I'd more easily believe that they'd try to poke her from behind.

That said, the biggest STDH was the mom making out with her. I'm sureeeee that happened.

Postal Parcel has a new favorite as of 19:52 on May 10, 2015

# ? May 10, 2015 19:45

IrvingWashington: Dec 9, 2007; Shabbat Shalom; Clapping Larry

Metal Ray Sunshine posted:

Some good, simple STDH courtesy of imgur frontpage

heathers.png

# ? May 10, 2015 23:44

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# ? May 28, 2024 00:40

PUGGERNAUT: Nov 14, 2013; I AM INCREDIBLY BORING AND SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD IN THE POLITICS THREAD

Happy Mother's Day from r/childfree:

quote:

But I have children! (self.childfree)
submitted 22 hours ago * by peixes23/F/3 cats <3

We have all heard it. The mombie braying that she is super special and important and we should bend to her every whim. I'm certain we've encountered it at the shop, in lines for any entertainment, he'll, I have even heard it in a fast food line! Usually they emphasize that they "have children and need to hurry to get them to the doctor appointment and the doctor game" or whatever Snotleigh and Brattford have on the agenda.

One would think they wouldn't try this in a line of children. Somehow it happened today.

For those who have missed it, it is Mother's Day weekend. I'm working part time in a grocery store bakery. Incidentally today, we had baby cakes (lil tiny five inch rounds) on special. The cakes get flat iced with our homemade icing, and everyone's little darlings (12 and under) could decorate one cake each (the one cake per child was lost on some people, but I digress). There was a two hour time frame. When the time was up, anyone in line could finish and get the cake, but no one new could queue up. Pretty straight forward. Everyone gets their cakes if they can make it in.

For the first hour and a half it was organized chaos. Children excitedly throwing icing, sprinkles, and plastic decorations onto little cakes looking for their mother/father/custodian's approval. No screaming, crying, or tables getting upturned until she arrived. The one we all recognize as a mombie. Standard mombie apparel. Mom jeans, "may I speak to your manager" hair, Starbucks, and an oversized hand bag.
I'll give her kid credit. She seemed unphased by the line and was just waiting, looking at our displays when she wasn't trying to see what monstrosities could get thrown onto these cakes. If anything, she seemed excited to ramble about her plan with this cake. "Do you think I can use two different sprinkles? Or coloured icing?!"
Mombie dearest just kept sighing, doing the lovely uninterested mom "that's nice dear. "Do what you want with the cake. Blah blah" Until she had been waiting maybe five minutes. In a huff, she turned to the actual bakery (not the area set up for mass cake decoration), and loudly asked for some assistance. The team leader took one for the team.
After a shirt exchange I didn't have the privilege to fully hear (the team leader is quite quiet), Mombie huffs "well can I speak to your manager? I can't wait around all day! My children have places to be."

Begruigingly, my department manager walks over, seeing as it was impossible not to hear the mombie. "What can I do for you?"

"yes, well I can't wait in line all day, I have places to be." I swear the mombie almost rolled her eyes out of her head. How dare she explain it again?! "I have children and your customer service is terrible. [Team Leader] wouldn't allow me and [dayghter] to the front of the line."

My Manager naturally caves and allows the mombie to do whatever she wants because welcome to retail

Oh, wait. That's the old manager. This woman doesn't take poo poo from anyone. Literally. "Hello this is the bakery, the gently caress do you want." Is heard often when the phone rings from an inside line.

"Well," my manager cleared her throat. "I'm sorry you feel so important that you can cut in front of all these people that have waited for a turn to decorate their cakes. Unfortunately, if I let everyone with kids cut, the line would remain the same."

I swear you could hear a pin drop. After a couple seconds, my manager continued "if you don't mind, I have a bakery to run. You're more than welcome to wait your turn."

Seven hours later, I'm still trying to figure out why this mombie though whining about having children in a line literally composed of children waiting to decorate cakes would help her cut the line.

Edit: people getting down voted? EVERYONE GETS AN UPVOTE!

The story itself isn't quite as unbelievable as the way she tells it. I swear it's just one person writing all of these "nightmare" parent stories.

# ? May 11, 2015 00:10

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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