Total War: Warhammer

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Riso: Oct 11, 2008; by merry exmarx

Wouldn't Stalin be a better example?
Lasted longer than 12 years, knew how to run mass killings with good pr, big war machine, personality cult,...

# ? May 16, 2015 19:27

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# ? Jun 9, 2024 09:30

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

incoming artdump :siren:

time to teach these surface dwellers something about the children of the horned rat

quote:

"Once upon a time, long long ago, Men and Dwarfs lived together beneath the roof of one great city. Some said it was the oldest and greatest city in the world and had existed before the time of the longbeards and manlings, build by older and wiser hands in the dawn of the world. The city lay both above and below the earth, in keeping with the nature of the populace that dwelt there. The Dwarfs ruled in their great halls of stone below ground and wrestled the fruits of the rock free with their day-long toil, while the manlings reaped the fields of swaying corn that surrounded the city with a patchwork blanket of gold. The sun smiled, men laughed, and everyone was happy.

One day the men of the city decided that they should give praise to their gods for their good fortunes. They planned a temple such as the world had never seen before. In the central square a colossal hall would be built and topped with a single, cloud-piercing tower. A tower so tall it would touch the very heart of the heavens. After much planning, and with the help of the longbeards, they set about their monumental task.

Weeks became months and months became years and still the manlings built. Men grew old and grey working on that great temple, their sons continuing their work through summer sun and winter rain. At last, after many generations, work began on the great spire itself. Years passed and the tower reached such a height that the manlings found it ever more difficult to take the stone up to the top. Eventually the work slowed to a crawl and finishing the tower seemed impossible. Then one came among the men of the city who offered his help in their great scheme. He asked a single boon of them in return and claimed that if they would grant he would complete the tower in a single night. The manlings said to themselves. "What have we to lose?" and offered to make a bargain with the grey-clad stranger. All he wished was to add his own dedication to the gods onto the temple structure. The manlings agreed and the bargain was struck. At dusk the stranger entered the unfinished temple and bade the manlings to return at midnight. Clouds swept over the moons, cloaking the temple in darkness as the manlings left. All over the city, men watched and waited as the hours slipped past until, near midnight, by ones and twos, they gathered again in the temple square. The wind blew and the clouds parted as they gazed up at the temple. It rose like an unbroken lance against the sky, pure and white. At its very peak a great horned bell hung gleaming coldly in the moonlight. The stranger's dedication to the gods was there but of the stranger himself, there was no sign.

The manlings rejoiced that their fathers 'fathers' work was done. They surged forward to enter the temple. Then, at the stroke of midnight, the great bell began to toll, once.... twice.... thrice. Slow, heavy waves of sound rolled across the city. Four... five... six times the bell rang, like the torpid pulse of a bronze giant. Seven... eight... nine, the rolling of the bell grew louder with each ring, and the manlings staggered back from the temple steps clutching their ears. Ten... eleven... twelve... thirteen. At the thirteenth stroke, lightning split the skies and thunder echoes through the night. High above, the dark circle of Morrslieb was lit by a bright flash and all fell ominously silent. The manlings fled to their beds, frightened and puzzled by the portents they had seen. Next morning they arose to find that the darkness had come to their city. Brooding storm clouds reared above the rooftops and such rain fell as had never been seen before. Black, like ash, the rain fell and puddled in the streets, slicking the cobbles with darkly iridescent colours.

At first some of the manlings didn't worry, they waited for the rain to stop so that they might resume their work. But the rain did not stop, the winds blew stronger and lightning shook the high tower. Days stretched into weeks and still the rain did not stop. Each night the bell tolled thirteen times and each morning the darkness lay across the city. The manlings became fearful and prayed to their gods. Still the rains did not stop and the black clouds hung like a shroud over the fields of flattened corn. The Manlings went to the Dwarfs and beseeched their help. The longbeards were unconcerned -- what matter a little rain on the surface? In the bosom of the earth all was warm and dry. Now the manlings huddled in their dwelling, fear gnawing at their hearts. They sent some of their number to faraway places to seek help but none of them returned. Some went to the temple to pray and sacrifice their dwindling food to the gods but they found the temple door closed to them. The rain grew heavier. Dark hailstones fell from the sky and crushed the sodden crops. The great bell tolled a death knell over the terrified city.

Soon great stones cleft the heavens, rushing down like dark meteors to smash the homes of the manlings. Many sickened and died from no apparent cause, and the newborn babies of the manlings were hideously twisted. Skulking vermin devoured what little stored corn there was left and the manlings began to starve. The mangling elders went to see the Dwarfs again and this time demanded their help. They wanted to bring their folk below ground to safety, they wanted food. The longbeards grew angry, and told the manlings that the lower workings were flooded and their food had also been devoured by rats. There remained barely enough food and shelter for them and their kinsmen. They cast the manlings out of their halls and closed their doors once more.

In the ruins of the city above, each day become more deadly then the last. The manlings despaired and called for succor from the dark gods, whispered the names of forgotten Daemon Princes in the hope of salvation. But none came -- instead the vermin returned, bigger and bolder then ever. Their slinking, furred shapes infested the broken city, feasting on the fallen and pulling down the weak. Each midnight the bell tolled thirteen times on high, seeming now brazen and triumphant. The manlings lived as hunted creatures in their own city as great rats packs roamed the streets in search of them.

At last the desperate manlings took up such weapons as they had and beat upon the Dwarfs door, threatening that if they did not emerge they would drag them out by their beards. No reply came from within. The manlings took up beams and battered down the doors to reveal the tunnels below, dark and empty. Steeling themselves, the pitiful remnants of the cities once proud populace descended. In the ancient hall of kingship they found the Dwarfs, now naught but gnawed bones and scrapes of cloth. And there they saw by the dying light of their torches the myriad eyes about them, glittering like liquid midnight as the rats closed in for the kill. The manlings stood back to back and fought for their lives, but against such implacable ferocity and countless numbers of the verminous horde, their weapons were useless. The tide of monstrous rats flowed over them one by one, dragging them down to be torn apart, the yellow chisel-teeth sinking into their soft-flesh, the dark tufted mass drowning their pitiful screams with their hideous chittering.....

Q: WHO ARE THE SKAVEN?
A: THEY'RE ASSHOLES (ALSO RATPEOPLE)

They also hate dwarves. Well they hate everyone, including eachother

They'll gas you, irradiate you, poison you and mangle you and they don't give a gently caress. They'll send their own troops in suicidal distraction missions and let scores of their own die just to take out that one rear end in a top hat knight with a nicely placed plague bomb or they'll poison your villages before they bother to attack directly

Lets not forget the little people. You'll basically always be walking around in a sea of rats when fighting the skaven

They also got their own chaos god, the Horned Rat which they worship. Every now and then, during rare occasions a greater daemon of the horned rat will join the skaven on the battlefield and cause a real ruckus

Oh wow look at that chaos man look at his huge armor and oh gosh he's got a really big sword! *shoots the chaos man in the face from other side of the battlefield*

They got "warp lightning cannons"powered by pure gently caress you and they'll turn an orc warboss into slurry

Lets build armored mecha abominations, sure why not. Thousands of skaven surely died to make this one prototype

Lets also make regular, more fleshy huge abominations. Lets give some of them sword arms?? SURE WHY NOT

They're really into bells, it's a skaven thing.

Wow these guys sure look like a hassle, guy. I'm sure the empire or whatever are really worried about these guys!!!! Actually they're barely recognized as a threat at times because most of the time they're fighting eachother underground or bothering the orcs or dwarves. Most people have no idea what a Skaven even is because if the general populace knew about what was right beneath them they'd probably go nuts:

As we saw in the END TIMES, once they get organized and finally go to the surface en masse the world is basically hosed. These guys created a space program during the end of days and in their infinite skaven wisdom decided to blow up the moon shortly before they wiped out half the world in a massive invading neverending swarm of dickbaggery.

When the immortal incarnation of Death, Nagash, took to his black pyramid and went on an unstoppable campaign to gently caress over chaos and give the gods a huge middlefinger it was the skaven who finally brought him low when they :toot:

nuked

his poo poo because he was becoming a bother

What im trying to say is that Skaven is always the wildcard and they're completely nuts

Zzulu fucked around with this message at 22:23 on May 16, 2015

# ? May 16, 2015 22:19

Panzeh: Nov 27, 2006; "..The high ground"

CommissarMega posted:

HERESY!

But seriously though, the way I see it the really hosed up thing about 40K is that it's a best case scenario, all other factors considered, and everything the Inquisition, Administratum etc. are trying to do is just keep their heads above water. Water that's filled with sharks/piranhas/piranha/shark hybrids.

Honestly 40k was written by 12 year olds and everything reads that way.

# ? May 16, 2015 22:32

Orv: May 4, 2011

One of the best things about the Skaven fluff-wise is that there is a not-so-secret conspiracy among the higher ups of the Empire to keep them a secret, because

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkCwFkOZoOY

# ? May 16, 2015 22:36

Cythereal: Nov 8, 2009; I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

The skaven are boring as hell. It has to be said.

# ? May 16, 2015 22:37

Orv: May 4, 2011

Cythereal posted:

The skaven are boring as hell. It has to be said.

Better than twenty flavors of semi-Napoleonic Europe.

Can't all be Aztec Lizards after all.

# ? May 16, 2015 22:39

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

its okay to dislike the rat people but to call them boring is very weird

the elves are boring

# ? May 16, 2015 22:40

Panzeh: Nov 27, 2006; "..The high ground"

Zzulu posted:

its okay to dislike the rat people but to call them boring is very weird

the elves are boring

their space humans and space shoulderpad men are boring, too

# ? May 16, 2015 22:42

Cythereal: Nov 8, 2009; I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

Zzulu posted:

its okay to dislike the rat people but to call them boring is very weird

the elves are boring

To be fair, the only race in Fantasy I like is the Lizardmen.

# ? May 16, 2015 22:51

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

incidentally the lizardmen got wrecked by the skaven during the apocalypse and were forced to go back home to their home planet :smug:

# ? May 16, 2015 23:00

Cythereal: Nov 8, 2009; I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

Zzulu posted:

incidentally the lizardmen got wrecked by the skaven during the apocalypse and were forced to go back home to their home planet

And this thread was pretty conclusive about the End Times sucking except for Settra being a badass, so thank you for dismissing your own case. :colbert:

# ? May 17, 2015 00:19

Dandywalken: Feb 11, 2014

Cythereal posted:

And this thread was pretty conclusive about the End Times sucking except for Settra being a badass, so thank you for dismissing your own case.

# ? May 17, 2015 00:21

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

The end times sucked because it ended the world really abruptly and killed all the nerd favourites

the skaven dropping the moon on the warhammer world was a highlight though

# ? May 17, 2015 00:25

Serpentis: May 31, 2011; Well, if I really HAVE to shoot you in the bollocks to shut you up, then I guess I'll need to, post-haste, for everyone else's sake.

There are a poo poo-ton of things wrong with the End Times as a concept and in practice. The Skaven detonating Morrslieb / Settra being a legendary badass the Warhammer world needed are not two of them.

(Don't get me wrong, I'm a Lizardmen fan through and through, but if the Skaven can cow the goddamn Chaos Daemons by detonating Morrslieb and throwing Chaos' plans out of whack, even if only for a very short period of time, they at least get my respect for having testes made of raw warp-stone if nothing else.)

Serpentis fucked around with this message at 01:04 on May 17, 2015

# ? May 17, 2015 00:42

SunshineDanceParty: Feb 7, 2006; One Road. Two Friends. One Ass.

I read the Skaven army book from whatever edition that origin was from too many times as a kid. I stopped playing Warhammer years ago but Skaven are always cool in my book.

# ? May 17, 2015 01:00

Night10194: Feb 13, 2012; We'll start,
like many good things,
with a bear.

Serpentis posted:

There are a poo poo-ton of things wrong with the End Times as a concept and in practice. The Skaven detonating Morrslieb / Settra being a legendary badass the Warhammer world needed are not two of them.

(Don't get me wrong, I'm a Lizardmen fan through and through, but if the Skaven can cow the goddamn Chaos Daemons by detonating Morrslieb and throwing Chaos' plans out of whack, even if only for a very short period of time, they at least get my respect for having testes made of raw warp-stone if nothing else.)

I'm going to guess it was an accident. It's usually an accident.

And 40k justifying everything in itself is basically 'The assholes who did everything wrong absolutely insist there was no possible way to do it better, we swear.', not 'The Imperium is the best case scenario.' It's a jackass telling you why he totally had to do everything he did and totally made the Hard Choices that really if you look at it isn't he actually sort of a hero for making those no matter how it worked out? That it's taken unironically by the writers that the Imperium are the good guys and all is basically why the writers for 40k aren't very good.

# ? May 17, 2015 02:19

Cythereal: Nov 8, 2009; I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

Night10194 posted:

I'm going to guess it was an accident. It's usually an accident.

And 40k justifying everything in itself is basically 'The assholes who did everything wrong absolutely insist there was no possible way to do it better, we swear.', not 'The Imperium is the best case scenario.' It's a jackass telling you why he totally had to do everything he did and totally made the Hard Choices that really if you look at it isn't he actually sort of a hero for making those no matter how it worked out? That it's taken unironically by the writers that the Imperium are the good guys and all is basically why the writers for 40k aren't very good.

Everyone in 40k is a jackass. You have your choice between willfully delusional jackass (Imperium), smugly self-superior jackass (eldar, tau), honest jackass that gives no fucks (necrons, orks), grand finalists in the kitten eating and puppy punting competition (chaos, dark eldar), and tyranids. The point of the setting is massive, unending violence between all of the above options.

# ? May 17, 2015 02:25

Neruz: Jul 23, 2012; A paragon of manliness

While the End Times was generally terrible due to the horrible writing and really stupid plotlines, the Skaven Space Program blowing up the chaos moon was one of the few highlights.

The Skaven have always been batshit insane wild cards, but even by their standards constructing a space program and using it to blow up the moon is totally nuts.

Neruz fucked around with this message at 02:43 on May 17, 2015

# ? May 17, 2015 02:40

Night10194: Feb 13, 2012; We'll start,
like many good things,
with a bear.

Neruz posted:

While the End Times was generally terrible due to the horrible writing and really stupid plotlines, the Skaven Space Program blowing up the moon was one of the few highlights.

The Skaven have always been batshit insane wild cards, but even by their standards constructing a space program and using it to blow up the moon is totally nuts.

They did try to nuke Middenheim during the Storm. They just...well, it worked as well as Skaven devices often do. When they design something to explode would be the one time it doesn't detonate.

# ? May 17, 2015 02:42

Cythereal: Nov 8, 2009; I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

Neruz posted:

While the End Times was generally terrible due to the horrible writing and really stupid plotlines, the Skaven Space Program blowing up the moon was one of the few highlights.

The Skaven have always been batshit insane wild cards, but even by their standards constructing a space program and using it to blow up the moon is totally nuts.

Eh.... I'm of the opinion that the skaven live doing a tap dance on the line of going too far in silliness/craziness for Fantasy, and them blowing up the moon crosses that line. I could buy Chaos doing it, or the Lizardmen, but the skaven have always read to me like fishmalks with warpstone flamethrowers and that's a sense of humor I'm not a fan of.

# ? May 17, 2015 02:44

Neruz: Jul 23, 2012; A paragon of manliness

Night10194 posted:

I'm going to guess it was an accident. It's usually an accident.

No it was deliberate, the Skaven Grey Seers used a fancy scroll to drag Morrslieb (the Chaos Moon) closer to the world as part of a plan to use its power, Clan Skyre then decides to one-up the Grey Seers and blows up the moon.

The moon that is now closer to the world. The words 'cosmic firestorm' are used to describe what happens next.

# ? May 17, 2015 02:45

toasterwarrior: Nov 11, 2011

40K Orks are basically good old-fashioned Fantasy Orcs with the madcap/scrapheap technology of the Skaven. Strangely enough, I'm not as big on either Fantasy Orcs or Skaven as I am on 40K Orks; I guess it's because Orks are all about violence for the sake of it while the Skaven have this sinister thing going on that's more on the serious side of things.

# ? May 17, 2015 06:40

Neruz: Jul 23, 2012; A paragon of manliness

The irony of 40K Orks is that the only reason they have technology is because they believe they do :v:

# ? May 17, 2015 06:50

Night10194: Feb 13, 2012; We'll start,
like many good things,
with a bear.

toasterwarrior posted:

40K Orks are basically good old-fashioned Fantasy Orcs with the madcap/scrapheap technology of the Skaven. Strangely enough, I'm not as big on either Fantasy Orcs or Skaven as I am on 40K Orks; I guess it's because Orks are all about violence for the sake of it while the Skaven have this sinister thing going on that's more on the serious side of things.

I've always seen the Skaven as strictly an entire race of Starscream and Cobra Commander.

That, or a group of people playing Paranoia: Ye Olde Tyme Fantasy Edition.

# ? May 17, 2015 06:55

Neruz: Jul 23, 2012; A paragon of manliness

Night10194 posted:

I've always seen the Skaven as strictly an entire race of Starscream and Cobra Commander.

That, or a group of people playing Paranoia: Ye Olde Tyme Fantasy Edition.

An entire race of expendable mad scientist Starscreams playing Paranoia is a pretty decent summary of the Skaven.

# ? May 17, 2015 07:03

dogstile: May 1, 2012; fucking clocks
how do they work?

Neruz posted:

The irony of 40K Orks is that the only reason they have technology is because they believe they do

Some of the funniest things from orks are the weapon entries they have. They have one where humans try to pick up an orc weapon and find out the mag is slapped onto the side, the barrel isn't connected to the insides of the gun and the trigger doesn't work. An ork was firing it somehow just before they killed him.

Orks are weird and funny.

# ? May 17, 2015 09:19

toasterwarrior: Nov 11, 2011

dogstile posted:

Some of the funniest things from orks are the weapon entries they have. They have one where humans try to pick up an orc weapon and find out the mag is slapped onto the side, the barrel isn't connected to the insides of the gun and the trigger doesn't work. An ork was firing it somehow just before they killed him.

Orks are weird and funny.

IIRC there's a bit of fluff where this gently caress-off-huge Orkish energy cannon was, upon inspection, just a big-rear end pipe on the end of some unrelated bit of scrap.

# ? May 17, 2015 10:00

Neruz: Jul 23, 2012; A paragon of manliness

It's amazing what you can do when every single member of your species is a powerful subconscious psyker that literally warps reality around them to meet their expectations.

# ? May 17, 2015 10:18

Snooze Cruise: Feb 16, 2013; hey look,
a post

Orks are pretty good role models because hey, if you believe hard enough, you can do anything!

# ? May 17, 2015 10:20

Pimpmust: Oct 1, 2008

HerpicleOmnicron5 posted:

I fixed the Warhammer mod! Turns out, you need to include the english voice mod in order for it to work, so if you're having issues just download this!

Hey, that looks like it removes the FOR KHORNE voices for non-Khorne Chaos. Here I (almost) thought the other Chaos factions were being cheeky.

# ? May 17, 2015 10:33

Kanos: Sep 6, 2006; was there a time when speedwagon didn't get trolled

mr.capps posted:

Orks are pretty good role models because hey, if you believe hard enough, you can do anything!

Blessed is the mind too small for doubt.

# ? May 17, 2015 11:05

Tiler Kiwi: Feb 26, 2011

orks are cool in my book

~believe in yourself~

# ? May 17, 2015 11:19

Communist Thoughts: Jan 7, 2008; Our war against free speech cannot end until we silence this bronze beast!

Skaven are forever my favourites, there are loads of them because theyr rats not because they're some silly hive race. If you're a skaven you're born into a litter of hundreds or thousands and guess what? Your peers may well eat you. That'll shape you into an odd individual alone. Then if you manage to survive childhood you get to be enslaved by your elders or physical superiors, if you gently caress up you will be eaten.

When I was a wee boy playing warhammer my first real dilemma was do I like Chaos or Skaven more, I had a dream that night where the Horned Rat told me Skaven were cooler. I appreciate that my childhood subconscious mind agreed with me that this was the most important issue facing me.

# ? May 17, 2015 11:20

Tiler Kiwi: Feb 26, 2011

the only vaugly warhammer dream i had was that i was infiltrating a dwarven place which was also my childhood home and i was standing in attention with the dwarven army and none of them noticed that i was very tall

long story short the dwarven king disintegrated, screaming, into a pile of dust after saying axes were more dwarfish than hammers and then i helped the dwarves loot things off of tall shelves

i dont think i learned anything from that dream but i think its better than a malevolent rat god trying to influence my purchasing decisions imo

# ? May 17, 2015 11:23

toasterwarrior: Nov 11, 2011

If you thought that the Skaven crashing the loving moon onto Warhammer world was cool, know that 40K Orks consider fortifying asteroids and strapping rockets onto them to be used as landing craft/instant-fortress-just-crash-into-surface/space-borne artillery/all-of-the-above as standard operating procedure for attacking a planet.

Can't remember if they actually did crash a moon into a planet (the Imperium probably did as a form of Exterminatus). In fairness, however, doing that would just end up lessening the amount of things to kill in a more personal manner. Food for thought

# ? May 17, 2015 12:04

Neruz: Jul 23, 2012; A paragon of manliness

The standard Ork spaceship is called a 'Rok' and it is just a hollowed out asteroid full of Orks with guns taped everywhere and some really big rockets on one end. The way a Rok invades a planet is by crashing the gently caress into it and any surviving Orks jump out and start pillaging while the exploding Rok disperses Ork spores all over the surrounding countryside to ensure that even if there are no survivors the Ork ecosystem will still take root.

e: Note that some Warbosses have invaded worlds like this multiple times.

Neruz fucked around with this message at 12:27 on May 17, 2015

# ? May 17, 2015 12:09

Catsplosion: Aug 19, 2007; I am become Dwarf, the destroyer of cats.

Neruz posted:

The standard Ork spaceship is called a 'Rok' and it is just a hollowed out asteroid full of Orks with guns taped everywhere and some really big rockets on one end. The way a Rok invades a planet is by crashing the gently caress into it and any surviving Orks jump out and start pillaging while the exploding Rok disperses Ork spores all over the surrounding countryside to ensure that even if there are no survivors the Ork ecosystem will still take root.

And this is why the orks are metal as gently caress.

# ? May 17, 2015 12:15

Tiler Kiwi: Feb 26, 2011

The W40k third person space marine game was great just for the juxtaposition of "serious battle brothers" with "dudes that use giant rocks as a means of transport"

# ? May 17, 2015 13:42

Neruz: Jul 23, 2012; A paragon of manliness

Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine was a remarkably good game given how Triple A Warhammer games historically turn out. At the very least they totally nailed the graphics, sounds and general art style.

# ? May 17, 2015 14:00

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# ? Jun 9, 2024 09:30

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

Relic developed the Dawn of War series and the Space Marine game and I feel like they nailed the feel of 40K really nicely most of the time. Then they got sold to Sega when THQ went bankrupt and i haven't heard from them since

# ? May 17, 2015 14:06

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