shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

>tyool 2k15
>thinking greentext stories are anything but jokes.

E: what a terrible way to start a page, I feel dirty. I'm phone posting at work so all I can offer you right now is the second best rated NAR story.

quote:

God Loves Little Boys Who Stand Up For Others

SUPERMARKET | BATH, ENGLAND, UK | AT THE CHECKOUT,BIGOTRY, FAMILY & KIDS, TOP

(I and my seven-year-old son are shopping for a birthday present for a girl in his class. She’s asked for dressing up clothes or accessories so we get a wand, tiara, and jewellery. I also have our regular shopping in the trolley. We get to the tills and there’s at least a three person queue at each till. We join a queue and have waited a couple of minutes when my son puts the tiara on and waves the wand.)

Son: *in a “posh” voice* “I’m the Queen and I say this line should move faster!”

(I and a few others smile at his playfulness when a man in line at the next till yells at me.)

Man: “You can’t let your son do that. If he turns into a f****t it’ll be your fault.”

(Everyone stops and stares at him in horror whilst the cashiers call for a manager.)

Son: “What’s a f****t?”

Me: “It’s a nasty word that only nasty people use so you mustn’t say it.”

Man: “It means gay, kid.”

Son: “What’s gay?”

Man: “It means you’re bad and going to Hell for being evil.”

Me: “It’s when a man loves a man and a lady loves a lady.”

Son: “Oh, like Uncle James and Uncle Ian?”

Me: “Yep, just like Uncle James and Uncle Ian. They’re not bad, are they?”

(My brother is a paediatric oncologist and his partner is a paediatric nurse. We’ve tried to explain what cancer is and how my brother and his partner make children feel better when they’re poorly.)

Son: “My uncles make children better when they have poorly blood and poorly bones. If you make them go to Hell that means you want the children to be poorly.”

(The manager and a security guard turn up but my son looks this man in the eye and holds his stare.)

Son: “Do you want the children to be poorly? Do you want them to be sick and have to go to Heaven?”

(Everyone is now staring at my son. The man has gone red and is looking around.)

Manager: “Sir, I believe you’ve just been outwitted by a child. You should leave now and keep your disgusting views to yourself and out of my shop.”

(The manager offered to pay for our shopping but I declined. He did, however, offer my son a toy. He chose a dress for his friend’s present.)

Fathis Munk has a new favorite as of 16:07 on Jul 21, 2015

# ? Jul 21, 2015 16:01

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# ? May 27, 2024 16:28

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

quote:

(My brother is a paediatric oncologist and his partner is a paediatric nurse. We’ve tried to explain what cancer is and how my brother and his partner make children feel better when they’re poorly.)

Son: “My uncles make children better when they have poorly blood and poorly bones. If you make them go to Hell that means you want the children to be poorly.”

Children use adverbs instead of adjectives all the time, right? That's a common grammatical mistake human beings make when speaking. Beep boop.

# ? Jul 21, 2015 16:14

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Dear sir, I am here to point out the fact that you were just brutally owned by a baby. On the account of aforementioned events, you shall be banished from my fine establishment never to come back again. Furthermore,

\/\/\/ It is a regional thing, yes.

Paladinus has a new favorite as of 16:22 on Jul 21, 2015

# ? Jul 21, 2015 16:19

GAINING WEIGHT...: Mar 26, 2007; See? Science proves the ~~Jews~~Muslims are inferior and must be purged! I'm not a racist, honest!

Fathis Munk posted:

>tyool 2k15
>thinking greentext stories are anything but jokes.

E: what a terrible way to start a page, I feel dirty. I'm phone posting at work so all I can offer you right now is the second best rated NAR story.

Is "they're poorly" just a Bathian regional dialect thing or is it just NAR bein stupid again

# ? Jul 21, 2015 16:21

RhomboidSphinx: Jun 17, 2013

GAINING WEIGHT... posted:

Is "they're poorly" just a Bathian regional dialect thing or is it just NAR bein stupid again

Lived in Bath, can confirm.
The rest is bullshit though.

# ? Jul 21, 2015 16:28

Judge Tesla: Oct 29, 2011

Verisimilidude posted:

Even if this was true, you'd think someone with an eyepatch would be used to the inevitable pirate jokes they'd get on a regular basis.

# ? Jul 21, 2015 16:32

BioEnchanted: Aug 9, 2011; He plays for the dreamers that forgot how to dream, and the lovers that forgot how to love.

Judge Tesla posted:

Even if this was true, you'd think someone with an eyepatch would be used to the inevitable pirate jokes they'd get on a regular basis.

Yeah, at the Job Centre a few years ago there was a guy with an eyepatch and a l'Cie brand tattoo (final fantasy 13). I made a joke about losing his focus and he found it funny.

# ? Jul 21, 2015 16:44

Rat Patrol: Feb 15, 2008; kill kill kill kill
kill me now

Fathis Munk posted:

>tyool 2k15
>thinking greentext stories are anything but jokes.

poo poo that keeps happening

# ? Jul 21, 2015 16:47

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Judge Tesla posted:

Even if this was true, you'd think someone with an eyepatch would be used to the inevitable pirate jokes they'd get on a regular basis.

Nah, people with physical issues are always hyper sensitive about them, no matter the context. Like the other stdh where the blind girl sobbed because the stdher asked her favorite color during spanish class.

# ? Jul 21, 2015 17:24

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

Incorrect! If your physical issue is being fat you turn right back around and put that twiggy loudmouth in his place.

# ? Jul 21, 2015 17:32

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

My Lovely Horse posted:

Incorrect! If your physical issue is being fat you turn right back around and put that twiggy loudmouth in his place.

Being fat isn't an issue, fatshamer :smuggo:

# ? Jul 21, 2015 17:54

GAINING WEIGHT...: Mar 26, 2007; See? Science proves the ~~Jews~~Muslims are inferior and must be purged! I'm not a racist, honest!

sweeperbravo posted:

Being fat isn't an issue, fatshamer

Read this as "fatsmasher", was better.

# ? Jul 21, 2015 18:31

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

Pththya-lyi posted:

"I am a man and I want to attract women. What kind of man do the ladies like? Ah, it must be the kind of man I think I would be attracted to if I were a woman!"

Do not think this way, straight and bi guys. If you want to know what you should look like, go to the Romance section of any bookstore that sells new books. Look at the male cover models and figure out what they have in common, and you will know what women in TYOOL 2015 actually think is hot. I defy you to find a romance novel published before 2000 that features a mustachioed cover model. The most you'll get these days is some stubble; the man will otherwise be smoother than the day he was born.

So...Fabio?

divabot posted:

Sir, this post is Bayesian evidence that they are such fearsomely adept Beisutsukai that they can literally get the chicks with the sparkly elite brilliance of their logic. And that woman's name at the end? BAYESIAN MARINE TODD.

I'm reading through that page and I keep seeing that word. What is beisutsukai? It certainly can't be Bayesian(user) because the genius Jeffreyssai would certainly know that Bayes is rendered as BEIZU in katakana.
Also, what kind of name is "Styrlyn" or "Jeffreyssai"?

Fathis Munk posted:

>tyool 2k15
>thinking greentext stories are anything but jokes.

E: what a terrible way to start a page, I feel dirty. I'm phone posting at work so all I can offer you right now is the second best rated NAR story.

There's something about the two gay uncles being pediatricians and the going stereotype that gays are trying to convert kids that makes this come off as an interesting detail.

# ? Jul 21, 2015 22:48

divabot: Jun 17, 2015; A polite little mouse!

Postal Parcel posted:

I'm reading through that page and I keep seeing that word. What is beisutsukai? It certainly can't be Bayesian(user) because the genius Jeffreyssai would certainly know that Bayes is rendered as BEIZU in katakana.
Also, what kind of name is "Styrlyn" or "Jeffreyssai"?

Some poor soul uneducated in the ways of rationality might think Yudkowsky was just an anime nerd who didn't speak Japanese but had learnt enough to fake it to other anime nerds who didn't speak Japanese. Ha! But that could never be the case. So it's obviously literary effect.

# ? Jul 21, 2015 23:27

Graviija: Apr 26, 2008; Implied, Lisa...or implode?; College Slice

I just want to thank this thread for introducing me to the phrase "MAXIMUM OVERDIDN'T," I've been laughing about that all day. Well, that's it, keep up the good work.

# ? Jul 22, 2015 00:16

Verisimilidude: Dec 20, 2006; Strike quick and hurry at him,
not caring to hit or miss.
So that you dishonor him before the judges

GAINING WEIGHT... posted:

Read this as "fatsmasher", was better.

Slam whale, holy grail
Fatsmasher, fupa basher

# ? Jul 22, 2015 01:28

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Verisimilidude posted:

Slam whale, holy grail
Fatsmasher, fupa basher

Mods, please change my name to Fupa Basher.

# ? Jul 22, 2015 10:48

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

quote:

On Friday, my father and I were playing poker- something we both loved. I didn't feel well, so I asked him to drive me home at break. He did. 5 minutes later, on his way back he had a massive stroke and wrecked. On Monday, we made the decision to take him off the life support, after no hope from the doctors.
He had a love-hate relationship with Imgur. For the last two month he stayed with me, due to health issues. He'd be trying to watch something, hear me laugh, and jokingly-frustrated ask, "What now?" It was you guys. Your posts, your comments, everything. I'd share it with him and it made that moment so much better. Just separated from his wife, health issues, living with his son- these interruptions gave us some great moments before he passed yesterday. Thank you.

We, thank you.

EDIT: I've been so overwhelmed by the comments and messages. Everything you all have said and the support, will be paid forward once I get things right for me after this. The kindness of strangers is an amazing thing. Thank you.

I don't know what's worse: The idea that someone really thought using the photo of his dead father was good for internet points, or that somebody thought making up a bullshit story around that photo was good for internet stories.
Either way, gently caress this gay earth. Burn everything and salt the earth.

# ? Jul 22, 2015 12:51

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Non Serviam posted:

I don't know what's worse: The idea that someone really thought using the photo of his dead father was good for internet points, or that somebody thought making up a bullshit story around that photo was good for internet stories.
Either way, gently caress this gay earth. Burn everything and salt the earth.

lol, loving imgur/reddit people are the worst

# ? Jul 22, 2015 13:03

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

ElGroucho posted:

lol, loving imgur/reddit people are the worst

I can imagine a Kodak moment commercial:

"You boys and your internets... what is it now?

---"TruNigga420 called me a fag"

"...give me a hug son"

# ? Jul 22, 2015 13:04

Big Grunty Secret: Aug 28, 2007; Just one question, though. Is there a way to take off my pants?

"Son... I don't have much time left *cough* but before I die... Promise me... You'll make it to the front page..."

*flatlines*

# ? Jul 22, 2015 13:42

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Big Grunty Secret posted:

"Son... I don't have much time left *cough* but before I die... Promise me... You'll make it to the front page..."

*flatlines*

"Nurse... wait. I've got a pulse!"

# ? Jul 22, 2015 13:45

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

What if Jesus came back and did it primarily through the use of social media lmao

# ? Jul 22, 2015 15:01

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Sorry Mr. Jones you didn't go viral on Imgur, no new kidneys for you.

It's ok doctor, I understand.

# ? Jul 22, 2015 15:14

Elblanco: May 26, 2008

The worst part, to me, is that this guy's dad is dying, and the poster is apparently too loving busy looking at Imgur to spend time with him. Jesus Christ ,what the gently caress is wrong with these people.

# ? Jul 22, 2015 15:18

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Elblanco posted:

The worst part, to me, is that this guy's dad is dying, and the poster is apparently too loving busy looking at Imgur to spend time with him. Jesus Christ ,what the gently caress is wrong with these people.

Alt the dad has already croaked and the kid is posting this while the rest of the family is around him mourning & making funeral plans etc.

B-but my internet friends!... They understand me!

# ? Jul 22, 2015 17:21

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

"Hey goons, really want to thank you for getting me through these tough times"

"Get cucked"
"Kill your famil"
"I'm gay"

"Thanks guys, really means a lot, internet strangers"

# ? Jul 22, 2015 17:42

veni veni veni: Jun 5, 2005

The commenters on efuckt got me through some hard times while my baby was in the hospital.

# ? Jul 22, 2015 18:49

Boywhiz88: Sep 11, 2005; floating 26" off da ground. BURR!

Yeah. I'm dealing with a friend's suicide and some PYF and GBS has helped. I just wouldn't make anything but an E/N thread for it

# ? Jul 22, 2015 23:30

Weatherman: Jul 30, 2003; WARBLEKLONK

Boywhiz88 posted:

Yeah. I'm dealing with a friend's suicide and some PYF and GBS has helped. I just wouldn't make anything but an E/N thread for it

Hey, aren't you the guy who used to sell Monster Cable� to Customers at Best Buy�?

# ? Jul 22, 2015 23:40

dijon du jour: Mar 27, 2013; _{I'm shy}

"Sitting by my dad's bedside, he motioned for me to lean closer. "Thanks for always making me feel like I'm on the front page." he said, smiling weakly.

Tears welled up in me. Choking back the sobs, I replied, "I always upvote rear end.""

# ? Jul 23, 2015 01:40

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

The soul rising to heaven is basically the ultimate upvote.

# ? Jul 23, 2015 02:43

Tetracube: Feb 12, 2014; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

sweeperbravo posted:

The soul rising to heaven is basically the ultimate upvote.

Evildoers who destroy our faith in humanity are taken to hell by the downvote fairies to be killed with fire forever

# ? Jul 23, 2015 04:49

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

The Gospel according to Imgur. (Thanks be to Doge)

# ? Jul 23, 2015 04:55

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

sweeperbravo posted:

The soul rising to heaven is basically the ultimate upvote.

imgurian posted:

lol, you believe in heaven. okay lil' baby, keep believing your lil' fairytales

# ? Jul 23, 2015 05:19

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Jesus H Christ.

quote:

Should Have Had Fore-warning
HIGH SCHOOL | ATHENS, GA, USA | BIZARRE/SILLY, HEALTH & BODY, RUDE & RISQUE, TEACHERS
(In my junior year of high school, I take a Principles of Nursing class. Basically, it�s a course in first aid, hygiene, CPR, and a little bit of anatomy. In a class of maybe fifteen students, the teacher and I are the ONLY males in the room. Keep that in mind. One day, we are talking about the reproductive system. I don�t remember the exact context, but somehow it seems appropriate in the teacher�s mind to ask me:)

Teacher: �[My Name,] are you circumcised?�

(I am. I just don�t know how to respond to a question about my penis in a room full of (attractive) women.)

Me: �Uh� I� Um��

Teacher: �It doesn�t make much of a difference. Just remember that if you�re not, it�s important to wash under the foreskin when you shower, to avoid the risk of infection.�

Me: �I� Uh� I mean��

(The teacher then continued the lesson like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. He was later fired, not for anything having to do with asking inappropriate questions of students but for growing marijuana on his property.)

# ? Jul 23, 2015 07:18

Byzantine: Sep 1, 2007

Khazar-khum posted:

Jesus H Christ.

I dunno, that sounds possible. One of high school English teachers was a drunk and busted out with "Quit your bitching and enjoy sex" one day.

# ? Jul 23, 2015 11:36

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

I'd believe that. I've had weird teachers who would bust that kind of question out and have had more than a few who could have got arrested for growing weed. It's kind of cool that they have a basic Nursing class in junior high school either way.

# ? Jul 23, 2015 12:27

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

Khazar-khum posted:

Jesus H Christ.

I believe it because he didn't have some witty one liner ready and no one fell in love with him.

# ? Jul 23, 2015 17:50

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# ? May 27, 2024 16:28

veni veni veni: Jun 5, 2005

Yeah I've seen teachers do much worse than that in class.

# ? Jul 23, 2015 18:05

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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