Weird News Headlines: The male is in the czech

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Screaming Idiot: Nov 26, 2007; JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

I think we can all agree that we need to find a way to make the Mike vs. Gorilla match a reality.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 04:08

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# ? May 9, 2024 23:00

Say Nothing: Mar 5, 2013; by FactsAreUseless

Punch away, Mike.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 04:15

bongwizzard: May 19, 2005; Then one day I meet a man,
He came to me and said,
"Hard work good and hard work fine,
but first take care of head"; Grimey Drawer

Solice Kirsk posted:

You're absolutely right about the gorilla killing him, but the only "fight" would be trying to get the lifeless husk of him out of the enclosure as the gorilla swings him around by a dislocated leg.

Eh, I think, if we are talking Tyson in his prime, that he would last for a little while, assuming he could keep the gorilla from grappling. I'm also assuming an initial punch from Tyson to start the fight.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 04:30

The Fuzzy Hulk: Nov 22, 2007; ASK ME ABOUT CROSSING THE STREAMS

I honestly hope the Tyson vs. gorilla speculation goes on for several pages. Tyson would be destroyed by a gorilla, even if the gorilla gave him ten free punches.

Also a bear would easily beat a gorilla.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 04:44

cock hero flux: Apr 17, 2011

What if the gorilla was trained to abide by the rules of boxing?

# ? Sep 15, 2015 04:52

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

The Fuzzy Hulk posted:

I honestly hope the Tyson vs. gorilla speculation goes on for several pages. Tyson would be destroyed by a gorilla, even if the gorilla gave him ten free punches.

Also a bear would easily beat a gorilla.

I'll call Jay Cutler and round up a gorilla. We'll be rich!

# ? Sep 15, 2015 04:54

flavor.flv: Apr 18, 2008; I got a letter from the government the other day
opened it, read it
it said they was bitches

The thing you've got to understand about this situation is that humans are unique among primates in our capacity for fine motor control. We even have joints in our hands and wrists that are unique to us. Our tendons are thin and pliable and the connection points on our muscles are much closer to the joints. The most conservative estimates say that every pound of muscle on an ape is worth twice that on a human.

On top of the physical differences in our musculature, our motor control neurons are much more nuanced. When our brains send signals to our muscles, we only activate the fibers necessary to get the job done, with most of our strength held in reserve even when we think we're putting in everything we have. You know those stories where a little old lady lifts up a car because her grandkids are trapped under it? That's the adrenaline forcing her body to use all of its muscle for the first time in her life. Other primates have much fewer motor neurons, and when their muscles twitch it's more of an all-or-nothing proposition

So we're talking about a man fighting a cornered animal that doesn't know what the rules of boxing are, has effectively four times the muscle, and is physically incapable of holding any of it back.

Koko there would have crushed him into a ball.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 05:01

Choco1980: Feb 22, 2013; I fell in love with a Video Nasty

I still say that if Tyson got the first blow, and just went at KK, he would clobber him. This is a man that's been known to knock people out round one regularly. Gorilla's are normally pacifist. Sure, he'd probably fight back once he realized he couldn't run away, and if he was able to start getting hits in, it'd be all over, but Mikey's bound to get the drop on him and KO him fast.

Also, I'm not sure how the bear vs. gorilla fight would go, but I'm eager to hear opinions.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 05:13

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

cock hero flux posted:

What if the gorilla was trained to abide by the rules of boxing?

He would probably hold to Marquis of Queensbury rules until Tyson bit an ear.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 05:30

Bloody Hedgehog: Dec 12, 2003; 💥💥🤯💥💥
Gotta nuke something

RandomFerret posted:

You know those stories where a little old lady lifts up a car because her grandkids are trapped under it?

Considering we live in the age of cameras everywhere, and seemingly no one has ever captured this happening and posted it on Youtube, this has probably never actually happened and is just a "story".

# ? Sep 15, 2015 05:46

Say Nothing: Mar 5, 2013; by FactsAreUseless

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAQmYuvUgOs

# ? Sep 15, 2015 05:57

pik_d: Feb 24, 2006; follow the white dove

TRP Post of the Month October 2021

Say Nothing posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAQmYuvUgOs

This is the best part:

# ? Sep 15, 2015 06:40

Rysithusiku: Nov 10, 2013; Witness the assless man and despair!
All futures point to a world of filled holes.

Say Nothing posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAQmYuvUgOs

So that's a yes vote from Say Nothing. Who's heading up this committee?

# ? Sep 15, 2015 06:55

ncumbered_by_idgits: Sep 20, 2008

Solice Kirsk posted:

I'll call Jay Cutler and round up a gorilla. We'll be rich!

Cutler couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 12:35

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

I doubt Tyson could take a chimpanzee for that matter. It's still pound for pound ludicrously stronger than a human being and it's got the maneuverability of a much smaller animal.

Great apes are loving crazy, if you don't know what they're capable of. I can't see any human overpowering one.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 13:06

dobbymoodge: Mar 8, 2005

Travis343 posted:

Great apes are loving crazy, if you don't know what they're capable of. I can't see any human overpowering one.

Pictured: a human overpowering a great ape. Or a great ape overpowering a human. :smuggo:

e: or did I just :thejoke:

dobbymoodge has a new favorite as of 14:03 on Sep 15, 2015

# ? Sep 15, 2015 14:00

Aesop Poprock: Oct 21, 2008; Grimey Drawer

I'm glad to see SA is still discussing whether humans could beat an animal in a fight in 2015, I was worried mid-2000s GBS had that market cornered

# ? Sep 15, 2015 14:08

Ignimbrite: Jan 5, 2010; BALLS BALLS BALLS; Dinosaur Gum

2000 gorilla sized chimpanzees or 2000 chimpanzee sized gorillas

# ? Sep 15, 2015 14:11

spog: Aug 7, 2004; It's your own bloody fault.

Travis343 posted:

I doubt Tyson could take a chimpanzee for that matter. It's still pound for pound ludicrously stronger than a human being and it's got the maneuverability of a much smaller animal.

Great apes are loving crazy, if you don't know what they're capable of. I can't see any human overpowering one.

Plus chimps have a fighting strategy of ripping their foes genitals off.

If they've heard of the Marquis of Queensbury, then they didn't think much of his rules.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 15:38

Carthag Tuek: Oct 15, 2005; Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
sl�gt skal f�lge sl�gters gang

quote:

Dr Paul Booth of Keele University spotted the name �Roger Fuckebythenavele� in the Chester county court plea rolls beginning on December 8, 1310. The man was being named three times part of a process to be outlawed, with the final mention coming on September 28, 1311.

Dr Booth believes that �this surname is presumably a nickname. I suggest it could either mean an actual attempt at copulation by an inexperienced youth, later reported by a rejected girlfriend, or an equivalent of the word �dimwit� i.e. a man who might think that that was the correct way to go about it.�

http://www.medievalists.net/2015/09/10/the-earliest-use-of-the-f-word-discovered/

# ? Sep 15, 2015 16:38

Gravitas Shortfall: Jul 17, 2007; Utility is seven-eighths Proximity.

Ignimbrite posted:

2000 gorilla sized chimpanzees or 2000 chimpanzee sized gorillas

One Gorilla with a Sega Genesis for a head.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 19:44

bongwizzard: May 19, 2005; Then one day I meet a man,
He came to me and said,
"Hard work good and hard work fine,
but first take care of head"; Grimey Drawer

Aesop Poprock posted:

I'm glad to see SA is still discussing whether humans could beat an animal in a fight in 2015, I was worried mid-2000s GBS had that market cornered

Dude it's a great topic with tons of areas to explore.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 19:59

Rough Lobster: May 27, 2009; Don't be such a squid, bro

Mike Tyson could get ten free hits with a Louisville Slugger and the gorilla would paste him in one hit. A gorilla is hundreds of pounds of incredibly strong simian rage. ITS A GODDAMN GORILLA YOU IDIOTS.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 21:00

big parcheesi player: Apr 1, 2014; Also, I can kill you with my brain.

Aesop Poprock posted:

I'm glad to see SA is still discussing whether humans could beat an animal in a fight in 2015, I was worried mid-2000s GBS had that market cornered

Because no matter when it is, our tangents will always find its way back to something.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 21:01

Choco1980: Feb 22, 2013; I fell in love with a Video Nasty

Rough Lobster posted:

Mike Tyson could get ten free hits with a Louisville Slugger and the gorilla would paste him in one hit. A gorilla is hundreds of pounds of incredibly strong simian rage. ITS A GODDAMN GORILLA YOU IDIOTS.

You're assuming the gorilla would have time to hit back is my point. This isn't ME hitting a gorilla we're talking about, but Mike Tyson who would probably knock out the gorilla before it had a chance to even figure out what the hell was happening.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 21:05

Crow Jane: Oct 18, 2012; nothin' wrong with a lady drinkin' alone in her room

I was at the zoo a few years ago, and the big silverback gorilla did that thing where he beat his chest, then charged at a younger gorilla who was bothering him. I was standing very nearby, and nearly wet myself. They are HUGE, and seemingly entirely made of muscle and teeth. That thing running towards me was probably the closest I've come to pure, primal fear in my entire comfortable existence.

Gorillas are awesome.

Crow Jane has a new favorite as of 21:10 on Sep 15, 2015

# ? Sep 15, 2015 21:07

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Choco1980 posted:

You're assuming the gorilla would have time to hit back is my point. This isn't ME hitting a gorilla we're talking about, but Mike Tyson who would probably knock out the gorilla before it had a chance to even figure out what the hell was happening.

If he snuck up on it asleep or something. Like you realize these are wild animals with appropriate senses of smell and hearing, right?

# ? Sep 15, 2015 21:13

theflyingorc: Jun 28, 2008; ANY GOOD OPINIONS THIS POSTER CLAIMS TO HAVE ARE JUST PROOF THAT BULLYING WORKS; Young Orc

Crow Jane posted:

I was at the zoo a few years ago, and the big silverback gorilla did that thing where he beat his chest, then charged at a younger gorilla who was bothering him. I was standing very nearby, and nearly wet myself. They are HUGE, and seemingly entirely made of muscle and teeth. That thing running towards me was probably the closest I've come to pure, primal fear in my entire comfortable existence.

Gorillas are awesome.

Same but a lion who saw some kid's service dog.

It was awesome the lion wanted to eat the dog SO BAD and he was peeking around me trying to get a better look, heart rate went up because "run from lions" is a pretty strong instinct.

Travis343 posted:

If he snuck up on it asleep or something. Like you realize these are wild animals with appropriate senses of smell and hearing, right?

They're also fairly trusting of humans. Mike walks in with a banana, offers it and then sucker punch, there's a decent chance he could knock it out in one hit.

edit: Used the wrong "peek", my shame is eternal

theflyingorc has a new favorite as of 21:33 on Sep 15, 2015

# ? Sep 15, 2015 21:14

Choco1980: Feb 22, 2013; I fell in love with a Video Nasty

Right. Plus I've seen enough gorilla documentaries to know they'd probably try to run away before resorting to the limb-tearing off they could do.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 21:18

Dang It Bhabhi!: May 27, 2004; ASK ME ABOUT
BEING
ESCULA GRIND'S
#1 SIMP

theflyingorc posted:

Same but a lion who saw some kid's service dog.

It was awesome the lion wanted to eat the dog SO BAD and he was peaking around me trying to get a better look, heart rate went up because "run from lions" is a pretty strong instinct.

They're also fairly trusting of humans. Mike walks in with a banana, offers it and then sucker punch, there's a decent chance he could knock it out in one hit.

Same but I got charged by a massive tiger at a zoo. Piss trickled out my penis.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 21:22

Strom Cuzewon: Jul 1, 2010

Aesop Poprock posted:

I'm glad to see SA is still discussing whether humans could beat an animal in a fight in 2015, I was worried mid-2000s GBS had that market cornered

I gave up reading the thread on man vs Gorilla when it seemed the accepted tactic was to chew off your finger, coat it in poo poo, then stab the gorilla in the eye and wait till he dies of blood poisoning.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 21:44

tight aspirations: Jul 13, 2009

Strom Cuzewon posted:

I gave up reading the thread on man vs Gorilla when it seemed the accepted tactic was to chew off your finger, coat it in poo poo, then stab the gorilla in the eye and wait till he dies of blood poisoning.

Is "run away and hope it dies of old age" not an accepted tactic?

# ? Sep 15, 2015 21:51

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb-vpmW1n7U

Look at the fear in that ranger's face as he gets up from being dragged by a gorilla. That's the face of a guy who knows that a gorilla could rip him in half without even getting winded.

# ? Sep 15, 2015 22:03