- Smasher Dynamo
- Oct 16, 2008
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Eternal Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."
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Super-League XVII, Dynamo League Divisional Series: RCMP vs. Mitchell Kernels
Did the RCMP win the Babe Ruth trade? I don't know. They didn't lose it, though. Realistically, they weren't using Cy Young, they weren't using Hank Aaron (and given that Al Simmons can't reliably crack the team's lineup, they probably weren't going to in the future), and since they had Tris Speaker, the marginal value of Ty Cobb's ability to play center field was basically nil. They did give up a lot of value, but if they hadn't, then everyone would have been pissed, because they got a Babe Ruth back. I think that, given the circumstances, it was about the right price for a Babe Ruth, and I think that, overall, the RCMP were much better off having made the trade.
The Mitchell Kernels are the class of the Dynamo League. They scored almost 100 more runs than any other team in the Dynamo League, and had a pretty good team ERA when you consider that they played in the only division in the league that featured four teams with at least semi-functional offenses. They have a great offense, a smother deadball rotation, and a bullpen that is usually not a factor. Granted, the RCMP did allow the least number of runs of any team in the Super-League, but if there is one team that can crack that rotation, it's the Kernels.
Game 1: RCMP @ Mitchell Kernels (Series Tied 0-0)
Don May posted:
RCMP TAKE OPENER WITH 4-3 WIN, THE MASKED SHORTSTOP INJURED BY CANADIAN PERFIDY
Mitchell- It is said that vengeance is best served cold.
There are not many places colder than Canada, except, of course, for certain coastal regions, which see their climates moderated by their proximity to large bodies of water. And technically speaking, Toronto, where DannoMack and his team are from is warmer that Mitchell, where the Kernels are located.
Today's game was a tense, closely-contested affair. With the scored tied 3-3 after nine innings, the game went into the tenth, when Ernie Banks finally broke the deadlock with a solo shot to make it a 4-3 RCMP lead. But the game was not yet over, the Kernels, holding home-field advantage in this game, and the series overall, had a chance to tie things up in the bottom of the inning.
DannoMack had dealt with bullpen issues in the wildcard game, but two days made a huge difference. In those two days, both Lee Smith and Mariano Rivera were cleared to return, and with Rivera having had so much rest towards the end of the season, DannoMack so no reason not to try and get a second inning of work out of his ace reliever, allowing him to face the top of the Kernels' order. Carl Yastrzemski came in as a pinch-hitter to start the inning, but quickly popped out, unable to handle Rivera's legendary cutter. That brought up the Captain-Eternal of the Kernels, The Masked Shortstop, who saw that his team needed hope, and immediately, and seemingly effortlessly, drew a four-pitch walk, as Rivera could not find the mark. The Masked Shortstop trotted to first base, and immediately began looking for second.
It is not as if the RCMP, by and large, were unaware that the Masked Shortstop was the fastest middle infielder who had ever lived. They knew that the Masked Shortstop was a man with speed beyond mortal ken, able to run so fast that time itself seemed to bend itself to his will. On Rivera's next pitch, a blur sped behind him as he pitched, as the Masked Shortstop took second. The pitch after, once more there was a blur, and the Masked Shortstop stood at third. In two instants, the Masked Shortstop had put the tying run at third base with just one out. But this time, in act of malice, Wade Boggs slammed his cleats down on the Masked Shortstop's hand as the Masked Shortstop stood up after sliding into the base. A cruel action, but one that appeared mostly harmless. Rogers Hornsby had a chance, and he sent the ball into the air, but into foul ground, where the shortstop could track it down and make the out. The Masked Shortstop, even as fast as he was, didn't dare risk to run home in that situation. And, besides, he had good reason not to, as Albert Pujols, who had nearly won the triple crown in the Dynamo League, came the plate with a chance to not only drive The Masked Shortstop, but win the game with a single swing of his bat.
But it was not to be. Rivera challenged Pujols with a cutter, and Pujols clobbered the ball into deep center field. A normal center fielder might not have been able to track down the ball, but Tris Speaker did not become a legend in his own time by shying away from spectacular plays, and this may have been his most spectacular play as he caught the ball on the fly, ending the game.
"Frustrating, that's all I can really say about." CFBalla said after the game. "But, then again, we almost won, and we don't need a sweep. I'm confident that, just like in the regular season, we'll win this series."
"Indeed, Charles." The Masked Shortstop agreed. "As a guardian of all that is good and true, it is my duty to, to.." The Masked Shortstop suddenly collapsed to the ground.
"What? The Masked Shortstop, what's wrong?" CFBalla rushed to the side of his star player.
"My...my hand." He showed the hand that Wade Boggs had stepped on. "I can't feel my hand."
CFBalla examined the hand, "This wound...it's Molson poisoning! The RCMP must have somehow learned that The Masked Shortstop's only weakness was to Canadian beer, which is even deadlier to him than it is to normal humans. They must have dipped their cleats in it before the game, and were just waiting for an excuse."
"Everything's going dark." The Masked Shortstop said softly. "This is the end. I can feel it."
"No, it can't end like this. There has to be some sort of antidote to Molson's. But what? Of course! The Masked Shortstop originally came to my team when we were the Cancun Tornados. If Canadian beer is a fatal poison, then Mexican beer is clearly the only thing that can save him! I need a bottle of Negro Modelo! Someone, for the love of god, get me a Negro Modelo!"
"No time." The Masked Shortstop said, his voice barely a whisper. "No time at all." And with that the Masked Shortstop passed from this world.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cried CFBalla.
DannoMack defended the actions of Wade Boggs and his team, "Hey, we all have setbacks. For example, I think Smasher may have tried to sabotage my team. Walter Johnson was supposed to start this game, not Deacon Phillippe, and the results could have been catastrophic. Of course, we are a quality team, and we were able to pull ourselves together, but what if we hadn't? I shudder to think about what could have been."
A reporter pointed out that DannoMack killed his opponent's star player. "Nonsense. Molson is the beer of Canada. I refuse to believe that it's poison. I think that's just propaganda from CFBalla. I mean, he's a Cardinals fan, and the Cardinals are owned by Budweiser, or at least were. Now, you want to talk about a beer than can poison you, what about Bud Lite? Or Miller High Life, wasn't there a story about a bunch of soccer fans being poisoned with Miller High Life? Is that in continuity? I have no idea. The point is, CFBalla can complain all he wants, but I think, at the end of the day, he needs to look at himself for the reason that his team lost this game as is going to lose this series. Where I come from, Canada, we believe in taking responsibility for our own mistakes. Maybe Americans are different, I don't know. But I do know that it's not my fault what happened. Anyone who can't appreciate the crisp, clear taste of Molson doesn't deserve to live anyway."
Game Two will take place in Mitchell. The RCMP, under protest, will start Juan Marichal. The Kernels will trust Jim McCormick to even the series up.
GAME NOTES
-Wade Boggs hit a home run. That's not something you see everyday.
-Did you know? Molson is now owned by Molson Coors, with the Molson and Coors families sharing control. Also, they are involved in a joint venture with SABMiller to jointly market and sell both of their products in the United States. Truly, we should be proud that we live in an age where mediocre beers of all nationalities have been consolidated under the ownership of just a few companies.
-CthuhluDreams must be proud to see a team win in the playoffs while starting Johnny Bassler at catcher.
Box Score
Game 2: RCMP @ Mitchell Kernels (RCMP Lead 1-0)
Don May posted:
KERNELS STRIKE BACK WITH 11-1 ROUT
Mitchell- Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
It holds true in physics, and it holds true in this series as well. The Kernels, furious over the fatal poisoning of the Masked Shortstop in game one, humiliated the RCMP today, crushing them 11-1, and ensuring that the series will be tied at one game apiece going into the two games in Canada.
There was not a lot for the RCMP took look fondly upon in this game. The Kernels scored a lot of runs, and the RCMP seemed unable to respond in kind, scoring just one run off of Jim McCormick. And whereas the Kernels had nine extra-base hits, the RCMP failed to get anything better than a single.
"Well, this isn't my fault." DannoMack said after the game. "Before this series started, I made it clear that I did not want Juan Marichal starting Game 2 in Mitchell. I made that perfectly clear, and Smasher Dynamo ignored me, Juan Marichal started Game 2, and look what happened. This one is not on me, it's on Smasher. That's all there is to it. But, from a larger perspective, it doesn't matter. The reality is that, by winning Game One, my team took control of home field advantage. If the Kernels want to win this series, they're going to need to win a game in Canada to do it, and I don't think that's going to happen."
"I know that CFBalla, a Cards fan through and through, thinks that the Cardinals fans are the best in baseball. But I think he's wrong. Because Cards fans, they're just a small group of people from a small city. Canadian baseball fans, on the other hand, it's an entire nation willing their team to victory. I don't think that the Kernels have ever faced anything like that, and I don't think they'll be able to handle it this time, either."
CFBalla disagreed, "I really don't think that my team is going to have that much of a problem coping with Canadian fans. I'll be honest, that doesn't make a lot of sense. What are the Canadian fans going to do? Passive-Aggressive us to death? I mean, it's Canada. They can be smug all they want, but as long as so much of their self-esteem is tied up in being "better" than Americans, I really am not that worried, because we all know that only American fans are boorish enough to really cause trouble."
"You know, I won't pretend that the Kernels are better off without the Masked Shortstop, but I think we're more motivated now. I really think that we're going to rally around the Masked Shortstop and win this series for him. I mean, the Masked Shortstop was our captain, he was our best defensive player by a lot, he was the perfect leadoff man, you can't replace that, and even if you could, I don't think Johnny Pesky could replace him. But I will not let his death be in vain. We're going to go up to Canada, and really kick some Canadian rear end. It's going to get pretty graphic, too. I'm not going to lie, there's at least some chance that we're going to commit war crimes. But that's what the Masked Shortstop would have wanted."
CFBalla was asked why Frank Robinson wasn't in the lineup for this game. "I think he was busy doing something else, no idea what. I mean, I'll be honest, the corner outfielders of this team aren't really that important to our success. I don't know that it matters whether or not we have Robinson or Yaz, or whatever out there. I don't know. We're really more about strength up the middle and Pujols. Sorry, I'm still mainly bummed about the Masked Shortstop."
"Bummed, old chum?" The Masked Shortstop suddenly appeared in a doorway.
"The Masked Shortstop? Then you weren't really dead?" CFBalla asked hopefully.
The Masked Shortstop suddenly ripped off his mask to reveal Ken Oberkfell, "Oh, he's loving dead, all right! Psych!" He started laughing. "You should have seen your face. Oh, man, you thought that the Masked Shortstop was coming back? He's dead! He's never coming back! Hah!"
"gently caress you, Oberkfell!" CFBalla shouted at him. "gently caress you. I can't believe a former Cardinal would do something like that. Well, actually, yes I can. Still, gently caress you!"
Game Three will take place in the exotic location of Toronto, a city in the far-off land of Canada. Not much is known of this fabled land, other than its fixation on maple leaves in general, which has led some scholars to conclude that the city may have been founded by a maple tree. Walter "The Big Train" Johnson will start for the RCMP, while George "Grin" Bradley tries to seize the initiative for the Kernels.
GAME NOTES
-CFBalla assured reporters that, due to the Masked Shortstop's status as a super-hero, that the Masked Shortstop is expected to recover from his death by the beginning of Super-League XVIII.
-Scholars are split on whether the death of the Masked Shortstop is more reminiscent of Achilles' death in the Trojan War or the murder of Siegfried by Hagen. Both sides generally agree that, as super-heroes are a form of modern mythology, that there is a larger symbolic meaning in the Masked Shortstop being struck down. The debate is whether the Masked Shortstop's death, like Achilles', represents a necessary prerequisite to a larger Kernels victory, the price of glory, put in another way, or whether the Masked Shortstop's death is the prelude to a greater tragedy to befall the Kernels.
-While the RCMP's rotation has not been used in quite the way that DannoMack intended, he will not get to use his two best starters at home, making him the favorite in each of the next two games. And if he should win those two games, then he wins the series. On the other hand, if he loses just one of those games, he will be forced into a Game 5 in Mitchell, and Deacon Phillippe will get the start.
-Johnny Pesky is no one's hero.
Box Score
Game 3: Mitchell Kernels @ RCMP (Series Tied 1-1)
Don May posted:
RCMP MOVE TO BRINK OF VICTORY WITH 4-3 WIN
Toronto- In a fairer world, the Kernels, still leading off each game with the Masked Shortstop, would likely be one game away from winning this series.
But we do not live in a fairer world, or even a fair world. We live in this world, with all of its injustices and imperfections, and the RCMP, no matter how they achieved the feat, now stand just one win away from the first DLCS appearance in team history.
The Kernels, doing all that they could, had managed to tie the game 3-3 in the top of the eighth thanks to a furious rally started by a gutsy decision by George Brett to go for a triple on a ball hit to right field. With Larry Walker patrolling in right, it was an incredible risk to test Walker's arm, especially given Brett's mediocre speed. But he felt the team needed something special, and he gave it his all, and just beat out the throw to third, which allowed him to score the tying run on a sacrifice fly.
But the RCMP would simply not allow the Kernels any respite, and Babe Ruth gave the RCMP a 4-3 lead with a solo home run in the bottom of the inning. In the top of the ninth, the Kernels had one last chance to win. In a fairer world, The Masked Shortstop would have come to the plate with one out, and, just as he had in Game One, would have managed to reach base despite the best efforts of Mariano Rivera. But the Masked Shortstop is dead, and Johnny Pesky popped out instead. One batter later, and the RCMP found themselves on the cusp of a series win.
"The time is now!" DannoMack said after the game. "The RCMP are going to win this series. It's destiny, it's going to happen. And I know that this is a bit premature, but I feel like I might as well start celebrating now, because there is no way that the Kernels are coming back from this. Without the Masked Shortstop, they just aren't the same team, and you know what, I don't think that the Kernels, with Pesky at SS, are a better team than the RCMP. I think, right now, we are the better team. And that's all there is to it."
"Now, I know that there are going to be people out there who are going to complain that the only reason that the Kernels don't have The Masked Shortstop is because we allegedly poisoned him. Maybe that's true, I don't know, I don't think that it helps to play the blame game about who fatally poisoned who, and for what reason. I think we need to get past that, and accept that the Masked Shortstop, for whatever reason, is dead, is not coming back, and that the Kernels, without him, are, actually, they're dead too. CFBalla thought he had a good team, but I guess he was wrong, because look at the Kernels now, they lose one guy, and they're just completely broken. That's not on me, that's on CFBalla. His team could not withstand a little bit of adversity, and I guess that's too bad."
Obviously, CFBalla did not take that well, "This series isn't over." He said, frustrated with DannoMack and the entire series to date. "They've won two one-run games. Which is fine, but those are coin flip games. They didn't dominate us. Now, in Game Two, we did dominate them, so, the way I see it, they are up in the series, but we, overall, have been outplaying them. And we can still win this series."
"As far as DannoMack claiming that we don't know that he murdered The Masked Shortstop, I don't know. I've been around the league a long time, and I've seen some things. I've seen Humungus brutalize people, and I've seen Marauder swindle people. And hey, once, I even stole a Dynamo League Pennant from Beet. But as bad as all of those things are, at least we took responsibility for what we did. Listen, if DannoMack is going to murder my best player, that's one thing, because trying to murder the other team's players, that's Super-League tradition, that's just the game. But for him to stand there, and pretend that he didn't do it, and then to claim that what's been happening is my own fault, that's not right. That's not how the Super-League works. As a Cardinals fan, obviously, I believe in playing the game the right way. Now, I know that Canadian fans, they don't have a lot of exposure to the Cardinals, different league and all that, so they don't get to see how the game is supposed to be played as often as they should. But in the Super-League, the right thing to do after you butcher another team for fun and profit is to own up to it."
"These Sub-Par kids, they don't get it. They come up in this league where nothing lasts, where they don't have to worry about how the handle themselves around the other owners, because those teams aren't going to last anyway. But I'm going to be in the Super-League next season. He's going to be in the Super-League next season. I'm not going to forget this, and if the time comes when I can get some payback, I will. And that's just how it's going to be. I didn't come this far to get criticized by a god-damned Canadian, I can tell you that much."
HulkaMatt suddenly ran in, "Hey, CFBalla, I heard you were feeling down, and, I know it took me three games to get here, but I just wanted you to know that I still think you're great."
"Why are you here?" CFBalla asked.
"Well, you know, the Goog left, and moose left, and kensei left, and I was lonely, so I figured that since you lost the Masked Shortstop, maybe you were lonely too, and we could hang out. Because we're tag team partners and all." HulkaMatt said, slightly desperately.
"Well, it's great to see you, but I'm not sure how much good that's going to do me. Unless you can play shortstop. Can you play, shortstop, HulkaMatt?"
HulkaMatt rubbed his neck nervously, "No. But, you know, I can do other stuff. Like, I'm really good at Pokemon."
"Isn't Pokemon just about grinding your monster-things up levels, or something?" CFBalla asked.
"No, competitive Pokemon battling is a lot more complicated, you see, first you need to know about-"
"Nope!" CFBalla cut him off. "Nope, nope nope, nope!"
Game Four is a potential elimination game. The RCMP will turn to Satchel Paige to try and finish off the Kernels, while CFBalla's team calls on 20-game winner Pud Galvin to force a Game Five back in Mitchell.
GAME NOTES
-I will admit that these recaps have been uninspired. In my defense, it has been a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very long season.
-Johnny "The Dazzler" Bassler still hasn't gotten a hit. Someday, Johnny. Someday.
-The Kernels' bullpen still isn't actually that good. That's actually been the case for a lot of the season, it's just that the rest of their team was good enough to make up for it. Generally, that's still the case, but in a series with a lot of close games, a bad bullpen can seem like a disproportionately large problem. Hence the endless jokes about Rollie Fingers killing the Bangers ten million times in the playoffs. In reality, a bad bullpen is usually a team's smallest problem, and the Kernels have just gotten a bit unlucky to suffer two bullpen losses in the first three games of this series.
Box Score
Game 4: Mitchell Kernels @ RCMP (RCMP Leads 2-1)
Don May posted:
RCMP FINISH OFF KERNELS WITH 4-1 WIN
Toronto- For just one second, it looked like the Kernels might be able to come back.
Down 4-0 in the ninth with two outs, the Kernels looked done. No one was one base, and the bottom of the Kernels order was due up next. The situation was so bad for the Kernels that DannoMack hadn't even bothered putting Mariano Rivera, his closer, into the game, instead letting Billy Wagner finish out the series.
But then Pete Browning hit a double, and Ted Simmons singled him home, and it was now a 4-1 game, with a runner on base. The pitcher's spot was due up. CFBalla, whatever the other problems with the Kernels, had built a strong bench. He had options, and good options. Chick Hafey was available, or Manny Ramirez, both of whom, as right-handers, would either have a platoon advantage against Billy Wagner, or at least chase Wagner from the game in favor of a right-handed reliver. CFBalla, instead, called on Carl Yastrzemski, a left-hander, to face Wagner. That was a puzzling choice, given that Wagner was so tough on left-handed hitters.
Whatever CFBalla's reasons were for the move, it did not work, as Yaz grounded out to third base, ending the Kernels' season in Toronto.
"gently caress." CFBalla said after the game. "gently caress Canada. That's it." He then left the stage, having said all he cared to.
"There was never any doubt in my mind that we would not prevail in this series." DannoMack said after the game, "The RCMP represented the Canadain values of integrity, restraint, and tolerance, and with those on our side, we could not fail. CFBalla is a fine American, I'm sure, but growing up in that country, he never developed the strength of character that was necessary to defeat our team. You could tell that when the going got tough, and his shortstop went down with a mysterious ailment, and then all he wants to do is play the blame game. Again, that may be fine in America, but in Canada, we believe that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. It may be a cultural difference. All I know is that, where I come from, it's impolite to accuse someone else of murder in public. Maybe he had a lot of evidence to back him up, but it's a little thing called decorum."
Asked who he'd prefer in the Dynamo League Championship series, DannoMack made his preference clear. "I should have won the Sic Transit Vir Division this season. And I can't go back in time and change that, and beating the Sheikhs isn't really going to change that, but it will prove that I have the better team. There's also the matter of him holding the Canadian Championship, which I would like back for obvious reasons. And I intend to take it back. I'm going to beat the Sheikhs, and I want the sweep. We beat the Kernels in this series in four games, I think we can beat the Sheikhs in four as well, and, in that case, that's a sweep, and that gets us the title back."
"I'll be honest, as much as CFBalla proved to be something less than a good owner, he is still miles ahead of Beet, who looks like he's completely given up. Again, I blame that on the inferior character that he developed growing up in America. In Canada, people never give up, they keep going, no matter what. Do you think that when the first settlers came to Canada, they weren't depressed about having to live in Canada? But they kept on living in Canada, no matter how many better countries got founded. And, hey, look at a place like Manitoba. It takes an incredible amount of determination to spend one day there, now, imagine what kind of determination it takes it live there for your entire life. I have yet to see an American with that level of resolve."
"So, yes, I would prefer to face the Sheikhs, to prove a point." DannoMack summed up. "Beating the Losers at this point, I don't really see what that would prove. The Losers are a sinking ship. I know that Marauder is keeping them around for his own reasons, and they did win their division, but they have been a good team in a long time, and, honestly, we finished with a better record than the Losers. There's nothing that we would prove by beating them. Other than we are good enough to not get beaten by a zombie team, which isn't much of anything."
The topic of injuries was raised. "Lee Smith isn't technically injured, but, as per Ontario employment law, he has elected to take some vacation time over the next two weeks. Of course, that is inconvenient to us, since we're so strapped for relievers, but it's more important that our players enjoy the full protections and privileges afforded to them by the labour laws of this great province. I, for one, am not going to morally compromise my team my trying to impinge on the rights of my players. I know that, in America, it's done all the time, but the RCMP are not from America, we are from Canada, and I will not allow the same sort of predatory capitalist impulses that has caused so much suffering in your country, to cross the border and hurt my players. So, we'll find a way to soldier on. I expect that Mark Eichhorn will get more play in the DLCS, and Sid Fernandez will probably move up to the mop-up spot, admittedly, it's going to be by default at this point. The better news is that, even if the rotation wasn't quite in the order I wanted it this round, Walter Johnson will be available to start Game 1 of the next series. So, I guess no harm was done there, although I still would like to lodge a formal protest about it."
The RCMP will not rest, and wait for the winner of the Sindhi Sheikhs and Rockford Losers series. The Mitchell Kernels will be back next season, knowing that, but for a fluke injury, they would have skinned the RCMP alive.
GAME NOTES
-The Kernels made errors. It was not good. Admittedly, it was not the only problem they had.
-Johnny "The Dazzler" Bassler had two hits! He can do it! He can do it!
-The RCMP drew a lot of walks, making up for their total lack of power in this game.
Box Score
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Nov 6, 2015 02:23
If Felix or Old Roy get unlucky and roll below 92 OVR, replace them with Bad Nolan (and Good Bert if both of them are afflicted).
: We indeed confirm. Now to get a left handed second baseman I can trust to be a big spoon, and a better first baseman than John Olerud.
