shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Zelder: Jan 4, 2012

I hope "Ugh. At least you know your memes." Makes its way into my tombstone

# ? Nov 25, 2015 18:06

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# ? May 27, 2024 12:46

sharktamer: Oct 30, 2011; Shark tamer ridiculous

No one. Outside. Of. Fuckin. Reddit. And. Tumblr. Does. This. poo poo.

# ? Nov 25, 2015 19:19

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

sharktamer posted:

No one. Outside. Of. Fuckin. Reddit. And. Tumblr. Does. This. poo poo.

Except. You.

# ? Nov 25, 2015 19:56

RabbitWizard: Oct 21, 2008; Muldoon

I appreciate the joke, but I think it belongs here:

# ? Nov 26, 2015 02:56

Dresh: Jun 15, 2008; hrmph.

I guess I had ADD/Dyslexia because those are totally the same thing and also no ever said "Satan" verbally in all these years.

# ? Nov 26, 2015 08:58

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Dresh posted:

I guess I had ADD/Dyslexia because those are totally the same thing and also no ever said "Satan" verbally in all these years.

This person is like the reverse of all those characters in Chick Tracts who have never heard of this... "Jesus" fellow. What do you mean, he's the Son of God? This is news to me!

e: also it's not really "today I hosed up" if it happened 14 loving years ago, is it

# ? Nov 26, 2015 09:10

axolotl farmer: May 17, 2007; Now I'm going to sing the Perry Mason theme

No. 2 on Imgur front page :toot:

I've been swimming my whole life on club teams, and swim in college now, but while I'm home I like to stay loose. Was getting in some laps, when this rather rotund woman physically stops me in the middle of my workout, only to tell me that I shouldn't swim so fast because it made her feel oppressed that there was someone going faster than her, and felt like she had to compete or some bullshit. Ok, I'm not one to rant, but this poo poo is ridiculous. She was saying that I can't go fast, because it wan't fair that I was in better shape than her. WHAT?! I had to take a step back. Is this a thing now? People aren't allowed to be in good shape, in case they make out of shape people feel bad? I did my best to tell her to gently caress off, in a nice way, and then went even faster. Honestly made me wanna work out harder. I can't stand these entitled people nowadays. Sorry for the rant. Carry on everyone.

# ? Nov 26, 2015 09:57

axolotl farmer: May 17, 2007; Now I'm going to sing the Perry Mason theme

# ? Nov 26, 2015 13:21

Gyro Zeppeli: Jul 19, 2012; sure hope no-one throws me off a bridge

axolotl farmer posted:

No. 2 on Imgur front page

I've been swimming my whole life on club teams, and swim in college now, but while I'm home I like to stay loose. Was getting in some laps, when this rather rotund woman physically stops me in the middle of my workout, only to tell me that I shouldn't swim so fast because it made her feel oppressed that there was someone going faster than her, and felt like she had to compete or some bullshit. Ok, I'm not one to rant, but this poo poo is ridiculous. She was saying that I can't go fast, because it wan't fair that I was in better shape than her. WHAT?! I had to take a step back. Is this a thing now? People aren't allowed to be in good shape, in case they make out of shape people feel bad? I did my best to tell her to gently caress off, in a nice way, and then went even faster. Honestly made me wanna work out harder. I can't stand these entitled people nowadays. Sorry for the rant. Carry on everyone.

There is nothing that didn't happen more than this did not happen.

I could say I'm a billionaire who lives on the moon and be more likely than this story.

# ? Nov 26, 2015 13:42

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

It's always nieces and nephews. Even in their fantasies these fuckers know they can't reproduce.

# ? Nov 26, 2015 16:46

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

axolotl farmer posted:

That's pretty funny though. It's also brief.

# ? Nov 26, 2015 18:08

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Yeah but it also didn't happen.

# ? Nov 26, 2015 18:35

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Fathis Munk posted:

Yeah but it also didn't happen.

Well, it did happen, but the parents' insecurity about whether or not their child is a drooling moron forced them to attribute that to her.

# ? Nov 26, 2015 19:39

Shayu: Feb 9, 2014; Five dollars for five words.

No way a child could put a hair clip onto a doll. Their brains not enough sophisticated.

# ? Nov 26, 2015 21:00

goose willis: Jun 14, 2015; Get ready for teh wacky laughz0r!

# ? Nov 27, 2015 01:46

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

goose fleet posted:

Me whenever I get a new bra :v:

Though this may also be because, like OP, I don't currently have an SO to show my boobs off to :negative:

# ? Nov 27, 2015 01:59

Rondette: Nov 4, 2009; Your friendly neighbourhood Postie.; Grimey Drawer

Glurge STDH

quote:

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.
When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation.. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
'Oh, that's my trouble tree,' he replied 'I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children.. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again.' 'Funny thing is,' he smiled,' when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.

THIS ONE IS WORTH SENDING ON.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. We all need a Tree!

# ? Nov 27, 2015 09:59

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I am surprised that didn't have the obligatory clickbait "You've got to read this! This restored my faith in humanity! Make sure you read it to the end! Don't ignore this!!!! I'm in tears!!! How precious! You won't believe what This Man said!" paragraph preceding the dumb sappy story that didn't happen.

I get that it's supposed to just be uplifting and not even the author thinks it actually happened, but after reading so many of them in this thread my reaction is to be annoyed, not uplifted. Also that guy needs to hire a new plumber.

# ? Nov 27, 2015 10:25

sharktamer: Oct 30, 2011; Shark tamer ridiculous

WHO THE gently caress STOLE ALL MY TROUBLES?

# ? Nov 27, 2015 12:03

hogmartin: Mar 27, 2007

They've been packed up in your old kit bag HTH

# ? Nov 27, 2015 13:23

Drunk Tomato: Apr 23, 2010; If God wanted us sober,
He'd knock the glass over.

Dresh posted:

I guess I had ADD/Dyslexia because those are totally the same thing and also no ever said "Satan" verbally in all these years.

Lol this guy doesn't know anything about Catholicism. Why not just pick "Christian" for your BS story?

# ? Nov 27, 2015 17:48

Verisimilidude: Dec 20, 2006; Strike quick and hurry at him,
not caring to hit or miss.
So that you dishonor him before the judges

"My 11 year-old cousin made a drawing of me, safe to say he has a bright future"

Truly the signature of an 11 year old.

I want to give it some credit because surely an Imgur user would have such little experience in social situations that they would say something very, very rude to a "friend".

Verisimilidude has a new favorite as of 00:13 on Nov 28, 2015

# ? Nov 28, 2015 00:09

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Verisimilidude posted:

"My 11 year-old cousin made a drawing of me, safe to say he has a bright future"

Truly the signature of an 11 year old.

Plus, you miss the looparound "Hey, look at me! I'm a hot chick!"

# ? Nov 28, 2015 06:32

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

Verisimilidude posted:

I want to give it some credit because surely an Imgur user would have such little experience in social situations that they would say something very, very rude to a "friend".

Ehhh, this is a friend though. It could be a fine joke between them. "Third time's the charm eh" "Ha-ha, very funny. Call me when you can even get a girlfriend, Neckbeard"

# ? Nov 28, 2015 08:16

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Verisimilidude posted:

"My 11 year-old cousin made a drawing of me, safe to say he has a bright future"

Lindsey Lohan?

# ? Nov 28, 2015 09:20

Loren1350: Mar 30, 2007

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxAOvNU6HoU

Totally not staged at all.

# ? Nov 28, 2015 23:15

Decrepus: May 21, 2008; In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.

Shintaro posted:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxAOvNU6HoU

Totally not staged at all.

"I was in the marine corps I was part of the 150 pounders."

# ? Nov 28, 2015 23:26

Shayu: Feb 9, 2014; Five dollars for five words.

Postal Parcel posted:

Ehhh, this is a friend though. It could be a fine joke between them. "Third time's the charm eh" "Ha-ha, very funny. Call me when you can even get a girlfriend, Neckbeard"

Neckbeard is a weird name, is it a Scottish sir name? Or a pirate name? If I was a pirate I'd want to be called Leadbelly or Ol' Ironskull. I guess Neckbeard is OK, but I probably wouldn't get my own pirate ship with that name.

# ? Nov 28, 2015 23:55

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Shayu posted:

Neckbeard is a weird name, is it a Scottish sir name? Or a pirate name? If I was a pirate I'd want to be called Leadbelly or Ol' Ironskull. I guess Neckbeard is OK, but I probably wouldn't get my own pirate ship with that name.

You would. The HMS Goonvengeance.

# ? Nov 29, 2015 00:07

Zamboni Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!

Postal Parcel posted:

Ehhh, this is a friend though. It could be a fine joke between them. "Third time's the charm eh" "Ha-ha, very funny. Call me when you can even get a girlfriend, Neckbeard"

"You're coming to the wedding, right?"
"Dude, I'm coming to all your weddings."

# ? Nov 29, 2015 03:12

kimbo305: Jun 9, 2007; actually, yeah, I am a little mad

Shayu posted:

Scottish sir name?

Why yesh it izh.

# ? Nov 29, 2015 05:40

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Shintaro posted:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxAOvNU6HoU

Totally not staged at all.

And that guy was...Albert Einstein.

# ? Nov 29, 2015 10:54

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Shintaro posted:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxAOvNU6HoU

Totally not staged at all.

I think the internet, or at least youtube users, have forgotten what the word "prank" means. Also I'm pretty sure most homeless people wouldn't be so laid back about someone just poking through their belongings like that, and it's very convenient that his blanket was big enough to hide the cart and he knew where to stand for the "prank" to work.

# ? Nov 29, 2015 11:13

Asinine Tails: Aug 11, 2012

Sorry wrong thread!

# ? Nov 29, 2015 15:58

goose willis: Jun 14, 2015; Get ready for teh wacky laughz0r!

quote:

Had an awesome day, and wanted to share it. But cannot post this to my main account.

I've been spatting with my wife lately, and I decided today that I was going to make the extra effort to be nice, and not fight, because more than I want to win a fight, I love her, even if I'm not her favorite person in every moment.

So I woke up early. Took care of the kids, cooked her breakfast, and made coffee so she could take care of her online classes. Then I fixed the toilet I've been meaning to fix for a month, and cleaned the bathroom I've been putting off. And spent the rest of the day generally trying to give her a break to catch up on school work.

THEN...This afternoon, my wife casually mentions going to her Mom's house for a bit, and I think nothing of it. When she came home without the kids, I thought something was up.

"The kids are at my mom's because I want to be loud..." She smiled, jumped up on me and kissed me. At her suggestion, we proceed to the sex shop, and buy some lingerie for her. She also says she wants to get one of those Jackrabbit vibrators, and wants me to help her use it.

For all the little fights we've had about money, neither of us cared about the $150 we spent on sex toys and related awesome things.

We sexed. A lot. Our sex is usually good, but this was with stockings, high heels, nasty lingerie, Her jet black hair all down,and gently caress-me-red lipstick. Plus the vibrator that has like 12 orgasmic wave pulse patterns.

She passed out an hour ago, and I'm still up grinning like an idiot reading Imgur.

Be good to your partner, people. If they love you, they will find a way to show it.

# ? Nov 29, 2015 16:15

Jay Rust: Sep 27, 2011

That is one of those "why are you telling this to us you freak" stdh's.

# ? Nov 29, 2015 16:51

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

This is the craziest sex you can imagine guys high heels and lingerie!!

# ? Nov 29, 2015 17:04

Verisimilidude: Dec 20, 2006; Strike quick and hurry at him,
not caring to hit or miss.
So that you dishonor him before the judges

Jay Rust posted:

That is one of those "why are you telling this to us you freak" stdh's.

Imgur is like 70% TMI.

EmmyOk posted:

This is the craziest sex you can imagine guys high heels and lingerie!!

People actually find the porn star look attractive?

# ? Nov 29, 2015 17:10

Araenna: Dec 27, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

"Guys, I did the bare minimum that's expected of a husband, and my wife was so impressed that instead of screaming at me for being a useless piece of poo poo like she normally does, we had the sort of sex people in marriages that are healthy have on a regular basis!"

# ? Nov 29, 2015 17:13

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# ? May 27, 2024 12:46

Lady Naga: Apr 25, 2008; Voyons Donc!

Verisimilidude posted:

People actually find the porn star look attractive?

Nah people jerk off to porn out of obligation.

# ? Nov 29, 2015 17:51

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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