BBM Super-League XXIX: The World Ends With Yu Darvish

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Video Games > Let's Play! > BBM Super-League XXIX: The World Ends With Yu Darvish

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EclecticTastes: Sep 17, 2012; "Most plans are critically flawed by their own logic. A failure at any step will ruin everything after it. That's just basic cause and effect. It's easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has no attachment to logic cannot be stopped."

You're in a tavern on a dark, cold night, with but one thing on your mind: baseball. You survey the patrons along the bar, and one catches your eye. Disheveled and worn, it's clear he's seen some hard times. If ever a man has been utterly abandoned by good fortune, this man has. He drinks slowly, like a man who can't afford too many refills. Noticing you staring, he turns, and knows instantly what you're here for. Realizing this may be a chance to reclaim a small amount of his lost dignity, he straightens up, and speaks with authority. He tells you, "I've got the pitching, if you've got everything else. My bullpen isn't the best, but I've got Aroldis Chapman closing, and that's plenty. What do you say? Are we a team?"

What do you do?

EclecticTastes fucked around with this message at 21:33 on Jan 5, 2016

# ? Jan 5, 2016 21:30

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 30, 2024 01:51

kw0134: Apr 19, 2003; I buy feet pics🍆

This is where I roll initiative and try to stab the crazy hobo, right?

# ? Jan 5, 2016 22:35

Monicro: Oct 21, 2010; And you could feel his features in the air
A wide smile and perfect hair
He had complete control of the rising tides
And a medicine bag hanging at his side

In the flowing blue world of the death-dealing physician

Smasher I have a new and definitely not terrible logo!!!!

it was mcfreeze's idea i claim no fault in this

# ? Jan 5, 2016 22:41

Ice To Meet You: Mar 5, 2007

Sub-Par Week 1 Injury Report! Hooray!

Akabira Killer Mikes
Rube Waddell (SP) (History repeats itself - again!!) - 21 days

Commonwealth Flying Dukaki
Mariano Rivera (RP) (The tank incident) - 89 days

Modern Bourgeois
Barry Bonds (LF) (Barry being Barry) - 15 days

Wasteland Vault Boys
Ed Delahanty (CF) (Abducted by Atom Cats) - 17 days

yankeesfans.gif
Pete Alexander (SP) (Gnarly hangnail) - 4 days

# ? Jan 5, 2016 22:49

Smasher Dynamo: Oct 16, 2008; ~~Eternal~~ Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."

The 8th Tag Team Championship Tournament: Dangerous Liaisons

Tag team time has come again!

The way this will work is that two teams, and it can be any two teams, whether they be from the Super-League, the Sub-Par League, or some sort of unholy union between a team from the Super-League and a team from the Sub-Par League, will team up to form a super-team, with each team providing two of the following four components:

-Infield (1B, 2B, 3B, SS, DH, two backup IFs)
-Outfield and Catcher (C, LF, CF, RF, a backup C, and two backup OFs)
-Starting Rotation (SP1, SP2, SP3, SP4, SP5)
-Bullpen (CL, SU, SR, SR, MR, LR)

The winners get the greatest gift I am capable of giving: Immortality! That's right, the teams who win this tournament will be immune from relegation or demotion for a full season! And if you are in the Sub-Par league and are part of the winning tag team, you'll automatically be promoted to the Super-League proper for Super-League XIX. (There's probably going to be a Super-League XIX).

The defending champions of this contest are, improbably enough, the Burnt Doritos, the team of the Mitchell Kernels and the Kobe Crows. For obvious reasons, the Crows retaining the titles, making them immune from demotion, does tend to conflict with my desire to send HulkaMatt, noted Roman Reigns super-fan, to the Sub-Par League where he can sit and reconsider his love of a man with only three moves and a shameful torso. So, you guys should help me fix that problem.

So, find yourself a partner, combine material from each of your teams, and create a child team that you both will cherish and nurture right up until it goes off to the tournament and disappoints you greatly. And then, you will know how your parents feels every time they think about you.

Participating Teams!
Burnt Doritos (c) (Mitchell Kernels/Kobe Crows)
Tunnel Snakes (Krakow Dragons/Wasteland Vault Boys)
Adventures in Babysitting (Slaughterhouse Nine/Genoa Janus)
Alter Egos (Kozmic Space Fish/Hoboken Zehpyrs)
Claymores (Alekhtar Shardblades/Upstate Highlanders)
Good Idea, Bad Idea (Portland Panderers/Aperture Scientists)
Summit Series (CSKA Llama/River City Ransom)
CanaDA Bomb! (Oklahoma City Bombers/RCMP)
The Catastronauts (Achewood Stoned Lightning/EV-IL Corp. Villains)
Crash and Burn (Detroit Wolverines/Khartoum Doom)
Googin' 25/8 (Goog Day/Modern Bourgeois)
Royal Commission (South Bolton Eazy W's/Minnesota Commission)
This Team Exists (Rochester Generics/St. Maartteenn Storm)

Smasher Dynamo fucked around with this message at 00:04 on Jan 6, 2016

# ? Jan 5, 2016 22:49

TheMcD: May 4, 2013; Monaca / Subject N 2024
---------
Despair will never let you down.
Malice will never disappoint you.

And speaking of the tag team tournament, because I'm pretty sure there's not going to be any important changes to this through trades or drafts or whatnot, here's a super-duper early bird Alter Egos roster post!

Superfluous logo that makes the post easier to spot when I try to find it in my post history:

Roster:

code:

#PlayerID,Year,Team,Salary,Years,First Name,Last Name
#Alter Egos
#Catchers (Zephyrs)
poseybu01,2012,,,,Buster,Posey
schalra01,1920,,,,Ray,Schalk
#Infielders (Space Fish)
olerujo01,2001,,,,John,Olerud
collied01,1923,,,,Eddie,Collins
foxxji01,1942,,,,Jimmie,Foxx
vaughar01,1940,,,,Arky,Vaughan
heilmha01,1919,,,,Harry,Heilmann
stephve01,1955,,,,Vern,Stephens
gosligo01,1929,,,,Goose,Goslin
#Outfielders (Zephyrs)
willite01,1950,,,,Ted,Williams
jacksjo01,1920,,,,Joe,Jackson
wanerpa01,1931,,,,Paul,Waner
bellco99,1933,,,,Cool Papa,Bell
loftoke01,1995,,,,Kenny,Lofton
#Starters (Space Fish)
tiantlu01,1966,,,,Luis,Tiant
brownke01,1996,,,,Kevin,Brown
brownke01,1997,,,,Kevin,Brown
brownke01,1998,,,,Kevin,Brown
brownke01,1999,,,,Kevin,Brown
#Relievers (Zephyrs)
papeljo01,2010,,,,Jonathan,Papelbon
dibblro01,1993,,,,Rob,Dibble
schilcu01,1996,,,,Curt,Schilling
schilcu01,1997,,,,Curt,Schilling
schilcu01,1998,,,,Curt,Schilling
martipe02,2009,,,,Pedro,Martinez

Batting/Fielding:

code:

with DH, vs. both types of pitcher:

#	Position	Player
1	2B		Eddie Collins
2	RF		Paul Waner
3	CF		Joe Jackson
4	LF		Ted Williams
5	1B		John Olerud
6	DH		Harry Heilmann
7	3B		Jimmie Foxx
8	SS		Arky Vaughan
9	C		Buster Posey

Rotation:

code:

Pos.	Catcher		Player Name
SP1	Posey		Luis Tiant
SP2	Posey		1996 Kevin Brown
SP3	Posey		1997 Kevin Brown
SP4	Posey		1998 Kevin Brown
SP5	Posey		1999 Kevin Brown

Bullpen:

code:

Pos.	Player Name	
CL	Jonathan Papelbon	
SU	Rob Dibble	
SR1	1998 Curt Schilling	
SR2	1996 Curt Schilling	
MR	Pedro Martinez	
LR	1997 Curt Schilling

TheMcD fucked around with this message at 19:57 on Jan 24, 2016

# ? Jan 5, 2016 23:07

FairGame: Jul 24, 2001; Der Kommander

If he continues to hold up well, should we consider Tiant instead of Halladay? Tiant was a force of nature for the first half of the season for the Nortons in both seasons. And given that the Tag Team Tournament is only 80 games...

Ice To Meet You posted:

Sub-Par Week 1 Injury Report! Hooray!

Akabira Killer Mikes
Rube Waddell (SP) (History repeats itself - again!!) - 21 days

Commonwealth Flying Dukaki
Mariano Rivera (RP) (The tank incident) - 89 days

Modern Bourgeois
Barry Bonds (LF) (Barry being Barry) - 15 days

Wasteland Vault Boys
Ed Delahanty (CF) (Abducted by Atom Cats) - 17 days

yankeesfans.gif
Pete Alexander (SP) (Gnarly hangnail) - 4 days

Hooray hooray it's time to write send me some screenshots!

# ? Jan 5, 2016 23:13

kensei: Dec 27, 2007; He has come home, where he belongs. The Ancient Mariner returns to lead his first team to glory, forever and ever. Amen!

Apparently I didn't post updates:
Wainwright to SP5, Arrieta to LR, Miller in for Adams and Strasburg in for Johnson where Adams and Johnson are shoved down the bench.

Ice To Meet You posted:

Sub-Par Week 1 Injury Report! Hooray!

Akabira Killer Mikes
Rube Waddell (SP) (History repeats itself - again!!) - 21 days

Commonwealth Flying Dukaki
Mariano Rivera (RP) (The tank incident) - 89 days

Modern Bourgeois
Barry Bonds (LF) (Barry being Barry) - 15 days

Wasteland Vault Boys
Ed Delahanty (CF) (Abducted by Atom Cats) - 17 days

yankeesfans.gif
Pete Alexander (SP) (Gnarly hangnail) - 4 days

Put Bryce Harper in at DH

# ? Jan 5, 2016 23:21

Mooseontheloose: May 13, 2003

Ice To Meet You posted:

Sub-Par Week 1 Injury Report! Hooray!

Commonwealth Flying Dukaki
Mariano Rivera (RP) (The tank incident) - 89 days

I mean, it's not the worst injury in the world but that blows.

# ? Jan 5, 2016 23:36

CVE: Jan 27, 2012

Ice To Meet You posted:

Sub-Par Week 1 Injury Report! Hooray!

Akabira Killer Mikes
Rube Waddell (SP) (History repeats itself - again!!) - 21 days

Commonwealth Flying Dukaki
Mariano Rivera (RP) (The tank incident) - 89 days

Modern Bourgeois
Barry Bonds (LF) (Barry being Barry) - 15 days

Wasteland Vault Boys
Ed Delahanty (CF) (Abducted by Atom Cats) - 17 days

yankeesfans.gif
Pete Alexander (SP) (Gnarly hangnail) - 4 days

Fine. Frank Robinson takes over the LF

# ? Jan 5, 2016 23:47

Pander: Oct 9, 2007; Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.

Mooseontheloose posted:

I mean, it's not the worst injury in the world but that blows.

It's the worst injury of week 1 for either league. Sorry guy

# ? Jan 6, 2016 00:42

tatankatonk: Nov 4, 2011; Pitching is the art of instilling fear.

Send Rube down to the DL, call up Wes Ferrell to the LR, put Wilbur Cooper in the rotation. The rotation should be:

#1 Smith
#2 Williams
#3 Seaver
#4 Mays
#5 Cooper

# ? Jan 6, 2016 02:28

TKBomber7285: Feb 20, 2011

Forzelt posted:

Sounds good. IF and RP right?

That would be correct.

# ? Jan 6, 2016 03:36

Nissin Cup Nudist: Sep 3, 2011; Sleep with one eye open

We're off to Gritty Gritty land

Ice To Meet You posted:

Sub-Par Week 1 Injury Report! Hooray!

yankeesfans.gif
Pete Alexander (SP) (Gnarly hangnail) - 4 days

Spot start Zito and go a man short in the bullpen

# ? Jan 6, 2016 03:57

TheMcD: May 4, 2013; Monaca / Subject N 2024
---------
Despair will never let you down.
Malice will never disappoint you.

FairGame posted:

If he continues to hold up well, should we consider Tiant instead of Halladay? Tiant was a force of nature for the first half of the season for the Nortons in both seasons. And given that the Tag Team Tournament is only 80 games...

Yeah, sure. I just copy-pasted your starters for the start of the season for that part anyway, I didn't put any actual thought in it. I'm not very good with non-Schilling pitchers.

# ? Jan 6, 2016 18:57

Smasher Dynamo: Oct 16, 2008; ~~Eternal~~ Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."

Super-League XVIII, Week 2 Injury Report

Mitchell Kernels
Dan Quisenberry (RP) (The Wages of Sin) - 19 days

Oklahoma City Bombers
Barry Bonds (OF) (It begins!) - 8 days

Rockford Losers
Magglio Ordonez (OF) (The ghost of ToiletofSadness does not rest easy) - 17 days

Pick 'em: International Tensions

Intercontinental Championship
[UK] South Bolton Eazy W's (c) @ [NJPW] Kobe Crows

Television Championship
[USA] Portland Panderers (c) @ [UK] Porthcawl Rakers

Hardcore and Larkin-Downing Championships
[NJ] EV-IL Corp. Villains (c) @ [USA] Mitchell Kernels

UNIFICATION SERIES! Canadian vs. United States and European Championships
[GER] Hoboken Zephyrs sweep vs. Both retain vs. [CAN] RCMP sweep

# ? Jan 6, 2016 19:29

TheMcD: May 4, 2013; Monaca / Subject N 2024
---------
Despair will never let you down.
Malice will never disappoint you.

Pick'Em: W's, Panderers, Kernels, both retain.

# ? Jan 6, 2016 19:36

Armitage: Aug 16, 2005; "Mathman's not here." "Oh? Where is he?" "He's in the Mathroom."

Pick 'em: International Tensions

Intercontinental Championship
[UK] South Bolton Eazy W's (c) @ [NJPW] Kobe Crows

Television Championship
[USA] Portland Panderers (c) @ [UK] Porthcawl Rakers

Hardcore and Larkin-Downing Championships
[NJ] EV-IL Corp. Villains (c) @ [USA] Mitchell Kernels

UNIFICATION SERIES! Canadian vs. United States and European Championships
[GER] Hoboken Zephyrs sweep vs. Both retain vs. [CAN] RCMP sweep

# ? Jan 6, 2016 19:37

rabidsquid: Oct 11, 2004; LOVES THE KOG

TheMcD posted:

Pick'Em: W's, Panderers, Kernels, both retain.

# ? Jan 6, 2016 19:41

Pander: Oct 9, 2007; Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.

Pick 'em: International Tensions

Intercontinental Championship
[UK] South Bolton Eazy W's (c) @ [NJPW] Kobe Crows

Television Championship
[USA] Portland Panderers (c) @ [UK] Porthcawl Rakers

Hardcore and Larkin-Downing Championships
[NJ] EV-IL Corp. Villains (c) @ [USA] Mitchell Kernels

UNIFICATION SERIES! Canadian vs. United States and European Championships
[GER] Hoboken Zephyrs sweep vs. Both retain vs. [CAN] RCMP sweep

# ? Jan 6, 2016 19:42

Robert Deadford: Mar 1, 2008; Ultra Carp

Pick 'em: International Tensions

Intercontinental Championship
[UK] South Bolton Eazy W's (c)

Television Championship
[USA] Portland Panderers (c)

Hardcore and Larkin-Downing Championships
[NJ] EV-IL Corp. Villains (c)

UNIFICATION SERIES! Canadian vs. United States and European Championships
[CAN] RCMP sweep

# ? Jan 6, 2016 19:44

FairGame: Jul 24, 2001; Der Kommander

Smasher Dynamo posted:

Pick 'em: International Tensions

Intercontinental Championship
[UK] South Bolton Eazy W's (c) @ [NJPW] Kobe Crows

Television Championship
[USA] Portland Panderers (c) @ [UK] Porthcawl Rakers

Hardcore and Larkin-Downing Championships
[NJ] EV-IL Corp. Villains (c) @ [USA] Mitchell Kernels

UNIFICATION SERIES! Canadian vs. United States and European Championships
[GER] Hoboken Zephyrs sweep vs. Both retain vs. [CAN] RCMP sweep

Everyone Retains.

...also, is anyone tracking this stuff? Am I supposed to be tracking this stuff?

# ? Jan 6, 2016 19:46

Yaya: Nov 14, 2012; vancloober cablucks

Pick 'em: International Tensions

Kernels win, everyone else retains.

# ? Jan 6, 2016 20:01

DannoMack: Aug 1, 2003; i love it when you call me big poppa

Pick 'em: International Tensions
[UK] South Bolton Eazy W's (c)
[USA] Portland Panderers (c)
[NJ] EV-IL Corp. Villains (c)
[CAN] RCMP sweep

# ? Jan 6, 2016 20:05

ForeverBWFC: Oct 19, 2011; Oh, the lads! You should've seen 'em running!
Ask 'em why and they reply the Bolton Boys are coming! All the lads and lasses, smiles upon their faces,

WALKING DOWN THE MANNY ROAD, TO SEE THE BURNDEN ACES!

Pick 'em: International Tensions
RCMP Sweep, all others retain.

# ? Jan 6, 2016 20:10

TheMcD: May 4, 2013; Monaca / Subject N 2024
---------
Despair will never let you down.
Malice will never disappoint you.

FairGame posted:

...also, is anyone tracking this stuff? Am I supposed to be tracking this stuff?

I think we all just assumed you'd be doing it. I know I'm not doing it, that's a lot of work that sucks.

# ? Jan 6, 2016 20:24

FairGame: Jul 24, 2001; Der Kommander

TheMcD posted:

I think we all just assumed you'd be doing it. I know I'm not doing it, that's a lot of work that sucks.

Well gently caress.

Alright, I guess I'll do it.

# ? Jan 6, 2016 20:26

Pash: Sep 10, 2009; The First of the Adorable Dead

All Champs Retain

# ? Jan 6, 2016 20:34

The Merry Marauder: Apr 4, 2009; "But she goes not abroad, in search of monsters to destroy. She is the well-wisher to the freedom and independence of all. She is the champion and vindicator only of her own."

FairGame posted:

Well gently caress.

Alright, I guess I'll do it.

You missed your chance to just capriciously award the pick to a random participant at the end of the season.

...or have you?

# ? Jan 6, 2016 20:34

tadashi: Feb 20, 2006

Pick 'em: International Tensions

Intercontinental Championship
[UK] South Bolton Eazy W's (c)
Television Championship
[USA] Portland Panderers (c)
Hardcore and Larkin-Downing Championships
[NJ] EV-IL Corp. Villains (c)
UNIFICATION SERIES! Canadian vs. United States and European Championships
Both retain

# ? Jan 6, 2016 20:49

Monicro: Oct 21, 2010; And you could feel his features in the air
A wide smile and perfect hair
He had complete control of the rising tides
And a medicine bag hanging at his side

In the flowing blue world of the death-dealing physician

All Retain

# ? Jan 6, 2016 20:59

Edward Mass: Sep 14, 2011; 𝅘𝅥𝅮 I wanna go home with the armadillo
Good country music from Amarillo and Abilene
Friendliest people and the prettiest women you've ever seen𝅘𝅥𝅮

Eazy W's
Rakers
Kernels
Police

# ? Jan 6, 2016 20:59

Mornacale: Dec 19, 2007; n=y where
y=hope and n=folly,
prospects=lies, win=lose,

self=Pirates

Kernels and Mounties take, others retain

# ? Jan 6, 2016 21:39

DivineCoffeeBinge: Mar 3, 2011; Spider-Man's Amazing Construction Company

Pick 'em: International Tensions

Intercontinental Championship
[UK] South Bolton Eazy W's (c) @ [NJPW] Kobe Crows

Television Championship
[USA] Portland Panderers (c) @ [UK] Porthcawl Rakers

Hardcore and Larkin-Downing Championships
[NJ] EV-IL Corp. Villains (c) @ [USA] Mitchell Kernels

UNIFICATION SERIES! Canadian vs. United States and European Championships
[GER] Hoboken Zephyrs sweep vs. Both retain vs. [CAN] RCMP sweep

# ? Jan 6, 2016 21:42

CVE: Jan 27, 2012

Pick 'em: International Tensions

Intercontinental Championship
[UK] South Bolton Eazy W's (c) @ [NJPW] Kobe Crows

Television Championship
[USA] Portland Panderers (c) @ [UK] Porthcawl Rakers

Hardcore and Larkin-Downing Championships
[NJ] EV-IL Corp. Villains (c) @ [USA] Mitchell Kernels

UNIFICATION SERIES! Canadian vs. United States and European Championships
[GER] Hoboken Zephyrs sweep vs. Both retain vs. [CAN] RCMP sweep

# ? Jan 6, 2016 22:02

CraigK: Nov 4, 2008; by exmarx

Smasher Dynamo posted:

Super-League XVIII, Week 2 Injury Report

Mitchell Kernels
Dan Quisenberry (RP) (The Wages of Sin) - 19 days

Oklahoma City Bombers
Barry Bonds (OF) (It begins!) - 8 days

Rockford Losers
Magglio Ordonez (OF) (The ghost of ToiletofSadness does not rest easy) - 17 days

Pick 'em: International Tensions

Intercontinental Championship
[UK] South Bolton Eazy W's (c)

Television Championship
[USA] Portland Panderers (c)

Hardcore and Larkin-Downing Championships
[USA] Mitchell Kernels

UNIFICATION SERIES! Canadian vs. United States and European Championships
Both retain

# ? Jan 6, 2016 22:41

TheFlyingLlama: Jan 2, 2013; You really think someone would do that? Just go on the internet and be a llama?

Pick 'em: International Tensions

Intercontinental Championship
[UK] South Bolton Eazy W's (c) @ [NJPW] Kobe Crows

Television Championship
[USA] Portland Panderers (c) @ [UK] Porthcawl Rakers

Hardcore and Larkin-Downing Championships
[NJ] EV-IL Corp. Villains (c) @ [USA] Mitchell Kernels

UNIFICATION SERIES! Canadian vs. United States and European Championships
[GER] Hoboken Zephyrs sweep vs. Both retain vs. [CAN] RCMP sweep

# ? Jan 6, 2016 22:44

Mooseontheloose: May 13, 2003

Champs retain.

# ? Jan 7, 2016 00:38

Forzelt: Jul 23, 2012; Variance? Fuck that noise.

All Champs Retain

# ? Jan 7, 2016 00:44

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 30, 2024 01:51

Ice To Meet You: Mar 5, 2007

Sub-Par League VI, Week 1: Yes, Again

Games of the Weak

Frank Gaiman posted:

STORM SMOTHER BOURGEOIS, CLAIM HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE

A ritzier version of the Kingdome, but in the lovely way most malls are decorated - At the end of last season, all the various Subpar League championships recognized that the Subpar League is a dumb place with dumb writers and they all decided to get out and join the Super League. That left poor Commissioner McFreeze in the unenviable position of having to just invent new titles, as if magically declaring something as valuable and meaningful would make it so.

Prior to the season opener between the Storm and the Bourjos, McFreeze announced the creation of the "Heavyweight Title" a championship that already seemed pretty unfortunately named, as "heavyweight" seems to have a certain element of gravitas--a distinction of seriousness and power that really no Subpar team deserves.

Nevertheless, whichever of these two teams won the series would be crowned the Heavyweight Champion, and after splitting the first two games, there was even a modicum of interest in which of the two would lay claim to the more-serious-than-it-is title.

Certainly, the pitching matchup looked promising, as the Storm brought Sandy Koufax to face off against Roger Clemens. But if there's one thing we've learned throughout the years, it's that Roger Clemens can't win the big game when it counts. Why, only yesterday I was reminded that Roger Clemens lost a Game 7 when Jeff Suppan was toeing the rubber opposite.

Sure enough, Clemens immediately allowed a run, largely thanks to the hustle of Storm leadoff man Cupid Childs who hustled to turn a single into a double. That made a difference as he remained at second base with two out but was able to score on Stan Musial's own single-into-double. Oddly, both stretch doubles came at the expense of Ichiro Suzuki, possessed of an amazing arm.

Ichiro immediately tried to redeem himself, singling to lead off the bottom of the inning and then stealing second base a pitch later. But when Carlos Gonzalez, Rafael Palmeiro and Andre Dawson come up next and none of them can make contact in fair territory, there's not much Ichiro can do.

But to his credit, Clemens buckled down from there and gave Dawson time to fail to put yet another ball in play, but this time I'm referring to a game-tying home run. An inning later, Ichiro singled home Barry Bonds and put the home team up 2-1.

Alas, the lead was short-lived. With a nervous sweat he normally only reserved for romancing 13 year old future country singers, Clemens immediately melted down on the mound. He gave up 4 straight hits to start the 6th, and before he could blink it was now 4-2 Storm.

Clemens would be relieved by awesome curveball dude Adam Wainwright, but it was far too late at that point. With a 6-2 win, the Storm lay claim to the Heavyweight Title.

Storm manager LegendInTheMakin found himself aptly named.

"It has come to my attention that I am now the Heavyweight Champion of the world!" he exclaimed.

"Well, I'm not sure that's quite true. The world is pretty large," said kensei.

"Exactly my point! That's why being the Heavyweight Champion is meaningful! Out of all the various owners in the world, I am the champion!"

Kensei shook his head. "No, I get why you're excited. But I don't think it's terribly accurate. There are a lot of problems with being the Heavyweight Champion of the world. For starters, you pretty clearly haven't played every other team, much less every other potential owner in the world. For McFreeze to just declare you Heavyweight Champion by fiat doesn't mean as much as you think."

He shrugged as he continued. "Now, that alone might not be such a big deal. After all, the winner of the MLB playoffs is also crowned World Champion despite the fact that it's really only the American champion. Who's to say that a team out of Cuba or Japan wouldn't be able to best that squad if given the chance?"

The Storm owner shook his head. "Oh, come on. A Japanese team as World Champion? Surely the fact that scrubby MLB players can go to Japan and be stars should disasbuse you of that notion. Or the fact that only Japanese stars can come to MLB and have even a modicum of success. I mean, I like So Taguchi and Tsuyoshi Shinjo as much as the next guy, but if these are some of the best players Japanese baseball have to offer, I don't think there's much to worry about on that front."

Yet Kensei wouldn't be dissuaded. "Sure, but this is a team championship we're talking about--not accolades for individual success. Perhaps the World Baseball Classic--which Japan has won twice and the United States hasn't even medaled in."

"Well yeah," admitted the Storm owner. "If your metric for baseball greatness is 'able to beat a team featuring Mitchell Boggs, J.P. Arencibia, and Willie Bloomquist' then I guess Japan is loving great and my championship is meaningless."

Kensei seized on the opportunity. "Every roster has relatively bad players! Team USA also had Ryan Braun! Craig Kimbrel! Giancarlo Stanton! Joe Mauer back when he was able to play catcher!"

"OK fine, I guess it's not fair to declare anyone a 'World Champion' or even a 'Heavyweight Champion' without ample opportunity for other contenders from around the world a crack at the title. But someone has to carry the title and now I have to defend it. That is the way of things. And plus there's one key detail you forgot."

"Oh?" Kensei sneered. "What's that?"

"I beat your dumb team, ya dingus."

GAME NOTES

- There were 5 stolen bases in this game, several extra bases taken on otherwise good outfield arms, and only 1 man cut down on the basepaths.

- Unfortunately, most of the extra bases taken favored the Storm, and that mattered since Sandy Koufax struck out 14 dudes and without the ability to take extra bases when offered the Bourgeois just weren't going to score much when they did manage a hit.

- Cupid Childs and Stan Musial combined to go 6-for-8 with 2 walks, 2 doubles, 2 rbi, 3 runs, and a stolen base. Childs is probably just the sort of player that'll come out of nowhere and be declared a baseball god by Mogul.

Box Score

The Iron Sheik posted:

DA POPE'S CHOSEN AH THA CHAMPS DAT'S RIGHT

NOO YAWK (AP) - Before the game, a loud jingling of gold chains rang through the stadium as an angry ZenVulgarity stormed the clubhouse

"Where da gently caress is my centah-fieldah!"

Meanwhile, outside of a nearby golf course, a burly man in a heavy fur coat and cossack hat slipped Da Pope's Chosen very own Yoenis Cespedes a coupon for a free round of golf! Oh no! Whatever will Da Pope's Chosen do? The big game is today, the third of a three game series to decide the vacant Cruiserweight Championship and it looks like one of the coaches for CSKA paid off Yoenis Cespedes to not play today! Fiends!

Well, it turns out Cespedes was not needed, as a two run home run for Darryl Strawberry in the first inning was the only scoring Da Pope's Chosen needed to win the Cruiserweight Championship over CSKA.

Outside of the home run, both starters were brilliant today. There were a couple of times in the early part of the game where both teams threatened to score some runs. Da Pope's Chosen starter Doc Gooden turned away a jam in the second, fourth, and seventh innings. In fact, the first two baserunners got on in the fourth for CSKA before Gooden was able to coax three straight flyouts.

CSKA starter Carl Mays was able to get out of small jams in the third and fourth innings as well and cruised the rest of the way, but his offense let him down today.

A small incident happened in the top of the ninth inning. Dwight Gooden was looking to complete the shutout, when the pitching coach suggested he give way to Chosen closer Juerys Familia. Familia jogged out to the mound, where he was kicked in the gut and given a devastating powerbomb by Gooden to the cheers of the crowd. As Familia layed on the turf twitching, Gooden was able to close the game out in style.

The triumphant manager of Da Pope's Chosen let everyone know how pleased he was about his team's victory.

"Eyyyyy!" ZenVulgarity exclaimed, the Cruiserweight championship slung over his shoulder, barely visible on top of the gold chains around his neck. "So we gots ourselves a friggin' Baba Ganoush over there, that commie kid, ya know? He's tryin' to drag my fukkin' center fielder to th' friggin' golf course, see?"

ZenVulgarity wags a finger, a grin forming on his face.

"Well fuggedaboutit! We didn't even need Cespediss-is today! Th' Doctah was in, an' he knocked dem drat commies out like my cousin Frankie Two Fists knocked out Joey Numbahs after Joey pinched his girl Angela's rear end last week! poo poo, ya see Da Straw? He fukkin' clocked da poo poo out of da drat baseball in da first innin'. He hit that ball like how my pal Tommy Lasagna clocked Petey Pizzaface over the head with a baseball bat when Petey wouldn't pay him back da fifty smackers he owed him. The lesson, kids? Ya pay back what ya owe people or Tommy Lasagna gonna gently caress ya up see? If Tommy doesn't get ya, he has hookups in th' Manicotti Crime Family that'll take care of ya. Capiche?"

"See dis?"

ZenVulgarity removes the title belt from his shoulder.

"Ain't she a beaut? I ain't never gonna let this go, much me I'll never let my girl Josie go. That gal's one in a million, I tells ya. I have haf a mind ta melt this thing down and get her a beautiful pair of pinky rings ta match mine. She's been lookin' for jewelry, a certain kind if ya know what I mean? Eh! Her granny's been buggin' us to settle down an' get married for years now."

"Typical capitalist!" The voice of everyone's favorite Communist Flying Llama interrupts the brash newcomer. "Always flaunting your wealth. How decadent!"

"Eyyy! Lookie what we have here! It's Baba Ganoush!"

"It's FlyingLlama, Filthy American!" TheFlyingLlama said through gritted teeth.

"Whateva! Nice performance by ya boys, huh? Friggin' Nikolai Volkoff must be spinnin' in his grave like my uncle Lucio spins da pizza dough, eh?"

"NIKOLAI VOLKOFF IS NOT DEAD! Besides, he's not even Russian, he's Croatian, and it's not really that communist anymore! Don't they teach you anything in your pathetic American public schooling?"

"Dey sure did." Zenvulgarity said, pulling out a red plastic ball. "Gym Class, they didn't call me da Dodgeball Kid fer nothin'! Heads up!"

With a quick motion, Zenvulgarity hurled the plastic red ball FlyingLlama's way. Fortunately, TheFlyingLlama is fairly quick and was able to dodge the ball. However, the reporter behind him wasn't so lucky, knocked cold by the force of the ball.

"ENOUGH!" TheFlyingLlama screamed. "Enjoy your title belt while it lasts, filthy capitalist scum! Soon, my friend, the People's Left Hander will lead us to the glory that has long eluded Communism in the Super-League. Everyone will soon kneel before Socialist rule!"

"Da People's Lefthander, ey? Heh, more like Da POOPle's Left Hander, am I right folks?"

The remaining conscious reporters started to laugh at the simple, yet effective joke as TheFlyingLlama turned and stormed out of the press conference room.

GAME NOTES

- I had a Jim Nantz thingie ready for this particular game, but Cespedes didn't even play. Maybe next time, folks.

- Johnny Pesky was pesky in this ballgame, alright. Pesky against the CSKA! He left six men on base today, and had an error in the ninth inning.

- Gooden struck out 12 today, surely he will be able to keep this up all season long.

Box Score

Keith Wuncler CXXXIV posted:

ORANGES DECIDE TO START WINNING, HUMILIATE DINOS ON THEIR OWN FIELD

The Windswept Plains of Hell Itself, the Dakotas - It's another gorgeous day for baseball, one would say were this not Hill City, home of the Dinos. So begins another trip in the Sub Par for this franchise that has seen woe and weal, mostly for the former by any objective metric. Hosting the divisional rival that most bettors have already pegged as winning it, this must be the opportunity to demonstrate that the Dinos are too good for the Sub Par, and peoples' faith in the Oranges was sorely misplaced.

Yeah, and I'm John Fuckin' Madden.

Neither team is known for their offense, for the entire game it seemed that base hits were a rare and beautiful thing seldom seen here, like unicorns or a decent pizza. It took the speedy antics of one Ricky Henderson, who in the 6th stretched a single to a double, then stole third which allowed him to score on a Tris Speaker single later in the inning. This would be the sole run this day; the record crowd of 5000 treated to a masterful display of pitching -- or conversely, a pathetic example of the lackluster batting that have lead these two teams into perdition. It's honestly hard to tell; while there were a decent number of strikeouts, many outs were recorded by weakly batting an infield grounder that was easily scooped by the waiting fielders, or lazy flyballs that fell into even the most apathetic corner outfielder's hands. Regardless, it was a game that should have felt taut with anticipation but dragged on with drat near ever at-bat resulting in the dull thud of a ball hitting the leather of a fielder's glove.

After a game that portend an agonizing season of writing for some of the most boring contests ever to curse this league, oldskool was sought out for comments. "I don't think it's fair to the Sub Par owners who are forced to play against my team. I'm in Florida, land of eternal sunshine and assholes. Oh, so many assholes. Anyway, it's hard to appreciate how good it is to be in a place that doesn't see snow nine months of the year until you're forced to live in a place that does." Casting his eyes at the horizon, where a late spring snowstorm was surely forming, he continued, "look, this was supposed to be metaphorical since the Sub Par is like the upstate New York to the warm climes of the Super League proper, this poo poo is why I'm not shoveling out from under a 6 foot lake-effect snowbank every Saturday." Reminded that frigid Hill City was in fact also a Super League team last season, oldskool threw up his hands. "I understand you're all trying to be stupid and literal, but...fine. Whatever, both leagues have cold hellholes or something."

Forzelt, he of statistical mind and somewhat sound body, was furious at this loss. "This is outrageous. A mockery of the mathematical principles that have made the Dinos a team that has gone further and lived longer than careless analysis would indicate." Hauling up a pile of printouts from a myriad simulations and data gathered over countless iterations of the Dinos somehow not immediately collapsing into a singularity of failure, he picked out a few trends. "See, with n Monte Carlo runs, the aggregate of which results in a ?� test which should show our ultimate triumph in this division and FURTHERMORE the outcomes resulting in a sweep at home on opening day is clearly labeled at under 0.1% of all outcomes in a non-biased selection.

"This must mean that the games have been tampered with! I DEMAND JUSTICE!" Forzelt pounded the stacks of paper teetering around him in the clubhouse, his agitation came to an end when it collapsed upon him in a flurry of densely scribed equations, gridmarks and functions.

Bubbles sighed and pulled out the paper shovel he kept for such cases.

GAME NOTES:

- There was an error, and it was thrilling because it might have actually resulted in some sort of action. But there wasn't, so who gives a poo poo.

- Chief Bender threw all nine innings for 5Ks and zero runs. (One of the) Drysdale threw eight innings for 4Ks and 1ER. It's a little concerning if a deadball pitcher had more strikeouts than your modern era pitcher, eh forzelt?

- (One of the) Fingers was called in to...I dunno, not make the game more embarrassing? He almost screwed it up too, but since you can't blow a save when you're not winning he managed to wriggle out.

- The Oranges have a fast start, but you might want to think about taking some walks.

- This game defies analysis. It's very disconcerting.