Manslaughter posted:

Last year we hired new management and their constant badgering of our consulting team to squeeze dollars out of our clients has not only made some of my good friends quit but also lost us several clients.
I love my job but these fucktarded idiots are ruining everything outside my sphere of influence.

Bob Morales posted:

vibur posted:

All associates are to refrain from excessive toilet paper usage. Please keep your usage limited to 2 sheets per wipe and 3 wipes per bathroom visit. Additionally, nap time has been moved from 1:00 PM to 2:00 PM. Remember you are responsible for bringing your own floor mat and for your own nappy changes.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Bob Morales posted:

New cell phone policy

Good morning ABC Corp managers,

With input given by associates during a recent HR round-table focused on personal cell phone/texting usage and the topic discussed at the leadership meeting, the following guideline has been added to our associate handbook:

Personal cell phones – Associates are to refrain from using personal cell phones or texting during working hours. Cell phones are to be kept out-of-sight (off desk, stored away). Use of personal cell phones is reserved for break and lunch areas. Please seek supervisor’s approval for a special circumstance involving the use of your personal cell phone during working hours. All associates may be reached via our main phone line for emergency type calls.

**Please note we have deleted the requirement to have the phone “turned off’.

Listening to music via cell phone is allowed; only one ear plug please.

If you have any questions; please do not hesitate to contact me.

SIR FAT JONY IVES posted:

From my work bathroom. This is on Wall Street.

nitrogen posted:

Back at ${job}-1 i had this happen constantly between HP and redhat.

It got so bad that we ended up pulling any HP drivers from our installs and only going with redhat drivers. HP's support ended up getting a lot better after that, after we theatened to leave them as a vendor (we bought like 100 servers at minimum every month) so they actually upped their game, but gently caress that poo poo.

Inspector_666 posted:

Just install one of the jillion apps/Chrome extensions that tie into your cell phone and text away! Hell, it will even look more like work now!

vibur posted:

All associates are to refrain from excessive toilet paper usage. Please keep your usage limited to 2 sheets per wipe and 3 wipes per bathroom visit. Additionally, nap time has been moved from 1:00 PM to 2:00 PM. Remember you are responsible for bringing your own floor mat and for your own nappy changes.

Thanks for your cooperation.

ConfusedUs posted:

Join your office bathroom-tissue pool instead. It's easy, it's hygienic, and it's legal.

flosofl posted:

Isn't the whole point of access to an "external website" so they can access their pay stubs and tax forms from home? That's how our system work. I can access it at work, but I pretty much only need to when I'm at home working on my financials or taxes.

go3 posted:

When deciding whether I want to take a new client on I look for two things that tell me whether we're dealing with a bunch of children: staples/paperclips in the carpet and restroom cleanliness. If they can't use the bathroom better than a 3 year old or even be bothered to throw poo poo into the trash, what hope is there getting them to do more important things correctly?

ConfusedUs posted:

NEW TP POOL REGULATIONS

<words>

SIR FAT JONY IVES posted:

From my work bathroom. This is on Wall Street.

Manslaughter posted:

I wonder if this actually makes people less likely to flush

pixaal posted:

Dell rep not finishing an order

Che Delilas posted:

Look, you have to stop listing your first job as "Computer Janitor." It's funny to everyone here but it confuses the LinkedIn algorithms.

SIR FAT JONY IVES posted:

From my work bathroom. This is on Wall Street.

ConfusedUs posted:

NEW TP POOL REGULATIONS
I've been asked to distribute the new regulations regarding office pool displays. The enclosed memo is a new subchapter of the EBGOC Procedure Manual, replacing the old subchapter entitled PHYSICAL PLANT/CALIFORNIA/ LOS ANGELES/BUILDINGS/OFFICE AREAS/PHYSICAL LAYOUT REGULATIONS/EMPLOYEE INPUT/ GROUP ACTIVITIES.

The old subchapter was a flat prohibition on the use of office space or time for "pool" activities of any kind, whether permanent (e.g., coffee pool) or one-time (e.g., birthday parties).

This prohibition still applies, but a single, one-time exception has now been made for any office that wishes to pursue a joint bathroom-tissue strategy.

By way of introduction, let me just make a few general comments on this subject. The problem of distributing bathroom tissue to workers presents inherent challenges for any
office management system due to the inherent unpredictability of usage-not every facility usage transaction necessitates the use of bathroom tissue, and when it is used, the amount needed (number of squares) may vary quite widely from person to person and, for a given person, from one transaction to the next. This does not even take into account the occasional use of bathroom tissue for unpredictable/creative purposes such as applying/removing cosmetics, beverage-spill management, etc. For this reason, rather than trying to package bathroom tissue in small one-transaction packets (as is done with premoistened towelettes, for example), which can be wasteful in some cases and limiting in other cases, it has been traditional to package this product in bulk distribution units whose size exceeds the maximum amount of squares that an individual could conceivably use in a single transaction (barring force majeure). This reduces to a minimum the number of transactions in which the distribution unit is depleted (the roll runs out) during the transaction, a situation that can lead to emotional stress for the affected employee.

However, it does present the manager with some challenges in that the distribution unit is rather bulky and must be repeatedly used by a number of different individuals if it is not to be wasted.

Since the implementation of Phase XVII of the Austerity Program, employees have been allowed to bring their own bathroom tissue from home. This approach is somewhat bulky and redundant, as every worker usually brings their own roll.

Some offices have attempted to meet this challenge by instituting bathroom-tissue pools.
Without overgeneralizing, it may be stated that an inherent and irreducible feature of any bathroom-tissue pool implemented at the office level, in an environment (i.e., building) in which comfort stations are distributed on a per-floor basis (i.e., in which several offices share a single facility) is that provision must be made within the confines of the individual office for temporary stationing of bathroom tissue distribution units (i.e., rolls). This follows from the fact that if the BTDUs (rolls) are stationed, while inactive, outside of the purview of the controlling office (i.e., the office that has collectively purchased the BTDU)-that is, if the BTDUS are stored, for example, in a lobby area or within the facility in which they are actually utilized, they will be subject to pilferage and "shrinkage" as unauthorized persons consume them, either as part of a conscious effort to pilfer or out of an honest misunderstanding, i.e., a belief that the BTDUs are being provided free of charge by the operating agency (in this case the United States Government), or as the result of necessity, as in the case of a beverage spill that is encroaching on sensitive electronic equipment and whose management will thus brook no delay. This fact has led certain offices (which shall go unnamed-you know who you are, guys) to establish makeshift BTDU depots that also serve as pool-contribution collection points. Usually, these depots take the form of a table, near the door closest to the facility, on which the BTDUs are stacked or otherwise deployed, with a bowl or some other receptacle in which participants may place their contributions, and typically with a sign or other attention-getting device (such as a stuffed animal or cartoon) requesting donations. A quick glance at the current regulations will show that placement of such a display/depot violates the procedure manual. However, in the interests of employee hygiene, morale, and group spirit-building, my higher-ups have agreed to make a one-time exception in the regulations for this purpose.

As with any part of the procedure manual, new or old, it is your responsibility to be thoroughly familiar with this material. Estimated reading time for this document is 15.62 minutes (and don't think we won't check). Please make note of the major points made in this document, as follows:

BTDU depot/displays are now allowed, on a trial basis, with the new policy to be reviewed in six months.
These must be operated on a voluntary, pool-type basis, as described in the subchapter on employee pools. (Note: This means keeping books and tallying all financial transactions.)
BTDUS must be brought in by the employees (not shipped through the mailroom) and are subject to all the usual search-and-seizure regulations.
Scented BTDUs are prohibited as they may cause allergic reactions, wheezing, etc. in some persons.
Cash poo1 donations, as with all monetary transactions within the U.S. Government, must
use official U.S. currency-no yen or Kongbucks.



Naturally, this will lead to a bulk problem if people try to use the donation bucket as a dumping ground for bundles of old billion and trillion dollar bills. The Buildings and Grounds people are worried about waste-disposal problems and the potential fire hazard that may ensue if large piles of billions and trillions begin to mount up. Therefore, a key feature of the new regulation is that the donation bucket must be emptied every day-more often if an excessive build-up situation is seen to develop.

In this vein, the B & C people would also like me to point out that many of you who have excess U.S. currency to get rid of have been trying to kill two birds with one stone by using old billions as bathroom tissue. While creative, this approach has two drawbacks:

1) It clogs the plumbing, and
2) It constitutes defacement of U.S. currency, which is a federal crime.

DON'T DO IT.
Join your office bathroom-tissue pool instead. It's easy, it's hygienic, and it's legal.

porktree posted:

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one that read Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suites.

flosofl posted:

While Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits is a fun and good book, I'm fairly certain the TP POOL memo is from Snow Crash

FISHMANPET posted:

My job title at my student job was "Operator" (this was in 2008) because everything about that department screamed 90s, and for the longest time Linkedin kept giving me "Boiler operator" jobs.

flosofl posted:

While Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits is a fun and good book, I'm fairly certain the TP POOL memo is from Snow Crash

sfwarlock posted:

Politics, budgets, and budget politics.

Depts A, B and C all use a Thing. All benefit from Thing. Thing works just fine for A and B, but C needs a better Thing. So C opens a project with IT to get Thing replaced with a better Thing, a Thing+.

IT proceeds to charge against C's budget for the cost of Thing+.

C's director argues that because A, B and C all use and benefit from Thing+, they should split the cost of the replacement between the three budgets.

A's director weighs in at this point and notes that they don't need the Thing+, they're happy with the Thing, and they're not paying for a third of an new Thing+ that they don't need.

C's director lets him know that they (C) plan to use the Thing much more heavily in 2016 and hints that this may make it unusable for everyone unless it's the Thing+.

A's director notes he doesn't appreciate the Thing being held hostage in this way, nor his budget being dragged in behind C's plans, and that C should pay the cost of the consequences of C's heavier use.

B's director, at this point, decides to sidestep the whole controversy; the whole Thing+ should be charged to IT's budget and she informs Accounting of same. When confronted, she sarcastically asks if we next intend to charge departments for the printer pages each uses, rather than just paying for printer paper out of our budget.

(Never mind that Office Admin buys printer supplies.)

IT proposes a 25%/25%/50% split, in alphabetical order. C then decides they don't need a Thing+ to share, he is by dammit going to get his own Thing and the other two departments can share the other Thing.

That's where it left off at 18.00 today.

I'm half expecting to come in tomorrow to find out that C called some shady consultants (or his nephew who's "good with computers") and in a month there will be a crappy Thing that IT has to support...

zen death robot posted:

Oh yeah in other news I finally managed to figure out the password to the ancient load balancer so I actually have a real network map instead of just making educated guesses around that thing.

It's impossible to find documentation for it because it was made sometime around 1998.

Ynglaur posted:

IT has it's own budget? That's amazing.

Ynglaur posted:

IT has it's own budget? That's amazing.

Sickening posted:

One of my desktop people blew up on the Vice president of IT and is getting fired today. I believe his grave offense was to joke about her food stinking during lunch time at her desk and she went off the rails at him.

Wasn't my call to fire her and I don't understand why she chose him to blow up on of all people, but you just can't do that in corporate life. She has chosen to go all scorched earth in her separation meeting. Supposedly I don't do anything but play video games all day (I suspect she saw twitch.tv on one of my monitors once or something) and is now accusing other people in the office of sexual harassment and racism.

I am at a loss. This was a situation where I was going to let her put me as a reference for her work ethic in which I probably wouldn't say a negative thing about her. Now I am finding it hard to help her at all.

Skandranon posted:

And millennials wonder why no one wants to hire them...

Aunt Beth posted:

OK Gramps, let's not blame everything on Kids These Days. There are bad employees in every generation.

Maniaman posted:

We have a sign in our office that says "SCCM HAS WORKED [ x ] DAYS WITHOUT CRASHING"

I don't think it has ever been higher than 7 since the sign got put up. It's currently at -3. It's been crashing multiple times a day for the last week.

Skandranon posted:

And millennials wonder why no one wants to hire them...

Aunt Beth posted:

OK Gramps, let's not blame everything on Kids These Days. There are bad employees in every generation.

Sickening posted:

Yeah lets not go all scorched earth on an entire generation based off of one employee.

Ozz81 posted:

Is said employee bringing all this stuff up verbally in their exit, or have they started trying to drag people down via email too? More curiosity than anything, I'd love nothing more than to hear you got a call from someone on her behalf as a reference, and basically said "yeah, she's an unprofessional idiot who got fired for insulting the VP of IT, then spread rumors around the office about all her co-workers. Hire at your own risk". Or even hear that they get denied unemployment because they got fired for cause and aren't eligible, a nice double gently caress-you from the company.

pixaal posted:

I wouldn't give someone a bad reference due to legal issues that can come up.