Stupid shit jesus lovers actually believe

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Stupid shit jesus lovers actually believe

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Judge Day is a Christian whose firmly held religious beliefs include defining m;rriage as
only between a woman and a man.

https://a248.e.akamai.net/f/68/1435...ommendation.pdf

# ? Feb 3, 2016 02:34

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# ? May 30, 2024 03:11

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Sure, a teen living for Christ will be different than the world. God even calls us a "peculiar people, zealous of good works" (Titus 2:14). But that is expected. We ARE to be different. We're children of the King! Royalty shouldn't act like common peasants!

# ? Feb 4, 2016 04:42

GORILLA BASTARD: Jun 20, 2005; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

WatermelonGun posted:

why does this thread keep resurfacing like a dog's poorly leaden down carcass?

Because there are too many christians and never enough lions.

# ? Feb 4, 2016 04:49

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Science is a word humans ascribe to things they choose not to understand through God. It's created by satan and often mixed up with the Godly concept of technology.

# ? Feb 10, 2016 02:15

Zenos Paradise: Apr 2, 2011; Did somebody say honeypot?

I have a Christian coworker who is also a conspiracy nut. Unprompted, he told me that chemo is less effective than weed at curing cancer. And that weed can cure AIDS. God, my brain hurts

# ? Feb 10, 2016 14:33

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

sluggo is mad posted:

nothing about this thread makes me wanna post, and yet i post

# ? Feb 10, 2016 18:07

glowstick party tonight: Oct 4, 2003; by zen death robot

DoctorCatapult posted:

I have a Christian coworker who is also a conspiracy nut. Unprompted, he told me that chemo is less effective than weed at curing cancer. And that weed can cure AIDS. God, my brain hurts

Don't worry he will probably die of cancer and AIDS soon enough

# ? Feb 10, 2016 22:39

Stoatbringer: Sep 15, 2004; naw, you love it you little ho-bot

DoctorCatapult posted:

I have a Christian coworker who is also a conspiracy nut. Unprompted, he told me that chemo is less effective than weed at curing cancer. And that weed can cure AIDS. God, my brain hurts

Well, that's because it's natural and has no chemicals so only has positive benefits and zero side effects, whereas chemo is made of artificial toxins.

# ? Feb 10, 2016 23:03

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

# ? Feb 13, 2016 01:57

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cotL3xzSMO4

# ? Feb 13, 2016 01:57

TacticalUrbanHomo: Aug 17, 2011; by Lowtax

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qO9IPoAdct8

# ? Feb 13, 2016 02:13

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

I prayed over all 3 of my kids and my wife in this manner. My wife would be too frieked out if she were awake. As far as Christian music, I have played Christian music for a few years in their room and mine, but that didin't free them, it just gave him another good night of sleep. I want them gone and my son free from their wicked influence. He has heard voices, evil laugh, seen shadows, seen things move, seen things that weren't there. Hopefully, whatever was harrassing him is gone now.<b> He came in my room one night and heard me (as I slept) tell him to pick up mom (my wife). He picked her up a bit and saw a necklace. The necklace moved across my bed and then he heard an evil laugh. It could have been my voice as I slept as I am oppressed. They like to bother him when he comes in my room. They manipulate my voice when I sleep to scare him. They growl at him. </b>

My point is that you can cancel their legal rights to torment your children. When they are sleeping, say over them, I command any demons or unclean spirits attached to my son/daughter to leave now in the name of Jesus Christ. I remove anylegal rights that you have as I am his/her father/mother in the name of Jesus Christ. You MUST leave now, go in the name and blood of Jesus Christ and NEVER return.

# ? Feb 13, 2016 18:14

shirts and skins: Jun 25, 2007; Good morning!

Stoatbringer posted:

Well, that's because it's natural and has no chemicals so only has positive benefits and zero side effects, whereas chemo is made of artificial toxins.

God, I loving hate these people. And there are so many of them! Watch how many imbeciles share that David Wolfe facebook page, it's like a honeypot for people who deserve to die of smallpox. I wish it were only their own health they were loving over, but they convince desperate people not to take their meds.

# ? Feb 13, 2016 18:32

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Evidence is all around you! where do you think we came from! a magicians hat? science can never explain the origin of life, the fine tuning of this planet, the organized complexity of dna and even a simple cell packed with so much intelligent information. Not to mention the bible's reliability when it comes to archaeological findings corroborating the places, people's, customs etc mentioned in scripture. Jesus Christ death and resurrection are historical fact, even secular scholars concede to the empty tomb dilemma, not to mention there would be no church if it weren't for the empty tomb and Jesus resurrection appearances!
Also, how do you explain my testimony and thousands of others who testify that weve been changed, that we know God through his son by faith, have seen prayers answered etc. Are we all mad?

# ? Feb 16, 2016 01:43

Grand Prize Winner: Feb 19, 2007

DoctorCatapult posted:

I have a Christian coworker who is also a conspiracy nut. Unprompted, he told me that chemo is less effective than weed at curing cancer. And that weed can cure AIDS. God, my brain hurts

goddamn but I wish evangelicals never discovered weed

# ? Feb 16, 2016 08:24

Ignite Memories: Feb 27, 2005

The empty tomb dilemma. No one could have possibly moved this rock that was moved into place by a couple dudes!

# ? Feb 16, 2016 16:45

macdonal hamborkles: Mar 29, 2010; Twerk it good!

Volume posted:

Are we all mad?

# ? Feb 16, 2016 21:52

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Believe it or not, there is an upside to 0bamacare. If the conservatives capture the presidency, and both houses of Congress, then we can force the liberals/socialists/democRATs to buy a Bible, a gun and membership in the NRA. Same principle as 0bamacare.
5.56mm

# ? Feb 17, 2016 01:45

glowstick party tonight: Oct 4, 2003; by zen death robot

Volume posted:

Believe it or not, there is an upside to 0bamacare. If the conservatives capture the presidency, and both houses of Congress, then we can force the liberals/socialists/democRATs to buy a Bible, a gun and membership in the NRA. Same principle as 0bamacare.
5.56mm

the best part is this person definitely wouldn't want what they think they want

# ? Feb 17, 2016 02:28

TacticalUrbanHomo: Aug 17, 2011; by Lowtax

I... I guess they could do two of those things. I can't think of any legal obstacle that would prevent Congress from passing a law requiring the purchase of a gun by every household in the country.

Not the Bible, though, sorry. First amendment still exists.

# ? Feb 17, 2016 15:04

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Crimson Harvest posted:

This is seriously one of the dumbest of these quotes I've seen in every single sentence.

Not true, it works. I was discontent with my lot in life so I strained and strained and now I'm super good looking and have a huge ape dick and everything is awesome.

# ? Feb 17, 2016 15:26

Grand Prize Winner: Feb 19, 2007

FrankieGoes posted:

Not true, it works. I was discontent with my lot in life so I strained and strained and now I'm super good looking and have a huge ape dick and everything is awesome.

apes actually have pretty small dicks, though

# ? Feb 17, 2016 16:35

TacticalUrbanHomo: Aug 17, 2011; by Lowtax

Grand Prize Winner posted:

apes actually have pretty small dicks, though

Not humans. I'm pretty sure FrankieGoes is most likely a human.

# ? Feb 17, 2016 16:59

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Wrath of the Bitch King posted:

I'm pretty sure it's just where I work. Either that or behind the scenes a lot of churches are just hosed up.

Here's a story:

The church I work for is very into pageants and theatrical stuff. They'll have plays with the thematic subtlety of a sledgehammer, usually centering around or at least alluding to going to hell.
Personally I find some of the stuff they put out there fairly objectionable but I won't derail the thread with that kind of a powder-keg. Just to preface, I'm not going to inject my personal opinion of the subject matter into any of what follows, i'm merely presenting what happened. The gist of the play they want to put on is thus:

There's a young, attractive woman riding in a cab. The devil (literally) decides to hop in shotgun next to the cab driver and "orders" him to force himself on the girl. The girl is horrified, the terrible act happens, and the cab driver somehow gets away scott free after doing the Devil's work. As if it wasn't horrible enough the woman gets pregnant and has recurring nightmares about fire and brimstone whenever she seriously thinks about abortion, so she's effectively guilted into having the kid. She has the kid, gives it up for adoption, and life continues but she can't live with the guilt of abandoning her child. She gets into drugs and ODs, which counts as suicide, which means she goes to hell. The intent is to show this on a Sunday afternoon to a mixed age audience.

So the powers that be approach me and my boss about something they want to do: they want to set the lady playing the poor woman mentioned above on fire as part of the show. Instantly the word NO launches itself from my face before the conversation really begins in earnest, but that just means I'm ignored from that point on and it's a conversation between my boss and the pastor. To this day I'm thankful for how level-headed my boss is; there have been a number of times where I've nearly lost it over stupid bullshit at this place, and setting a lady on fire as part of an act definitely ranks up there. Like most people in this place, the "actress" is a volunteer.

They're talking about this while I'm red-faced and fuming and the Head Pastor is very animatedly pontificating on kevlar and fireproof dresses and such. Clearly not anyone I want messing with pyrotechnics. My boss is completely on my side and is having almost as hard a time as I am keeping it together, but he's a veteran. He's been in this crazy trench waaaaaaay longer than I have, so he knows how to speak the lingo. My boss pretends to do the speaking in tongues bit and walks off, waving back at me and the pastor saying he'll need to think on it. A minute later my phone starts to buzz and I know that's my cue to head back to the office with him.

I get back there and I unload. They HAD to hear me screaming, they just had to, but to this day I've never heard a single word about any of it. My boss looks at me and tells me, "Look, they're going to go ahead with whatever stupidity it is they're planning. The best we can hope to do is minimize the impact. Once <pastor name> gets an idea in his head he's going to run with it no matter how negligent it is."

We talk for a while longer and get into a creative groove. I had the idea, but he put the finishing touches on it: instead of setting the girl on fire we'd use her high heels as a form of symbolism. It'd be easy enough to rig something together that would set them on fire with a switch of some kind, and we had the time to plan it so it wasn't a rush job. We ordered one of those fire starter kits that magicians use and had our plan of attack in order.

The next day he presents the idea and the pastor loves it, but he wants a practical demonstration. We don't have any high heels and the pair being used for the show are the only ones they have, so we're charged with buying a pair ourselves so we can demonstrate. The pastor is a huge rear end in a top hat with regards to scheduling and making himself available for questions/concerns, so we know he'll only be around for maybe an hour before he vanishes into the darkness for a week. We break off from the pastor and make the quickest dash for PayLess shoes that a human has ever made, returning with these red sequined abominations. They're perfect.

It takes ten minutes or so to get everything prepped, but we get it done. The presentation goes off without a hitch and the ugly shoes are burning on stage on top of an industrial rubber mat. It's a slow burn too, which I thought was a nice touch if you're going for subtlety in how you present the theme (slow encroachment of sin, damnation is a gradual burn, that kind of thing). The head pastor sort of grunts at us and tells us it's good enough, but I can tell he's not super thrilled. Dude really wanted to set this poor lady on fire, I guess. We never got comped for the shoes OR the remote starter, either.

I'm not a member of the church, so I didn't see the production. I just work there. My boss though, he saw it, and the next time I saw him was a few hours after the show and he was obviously stricken. Something was wrong. "Yo dude, you alright? You look pale as hell."
He tells me that the higher-ups didn't think the shoes burning was obvious enough. The fire was too small, not evocative enough. So they doused the shoes in kerosene and set everything up the same way we had it otherwise. "Bitch King, walk out to the stage with me. It's easier to just show you."

We walk out and the left half of the stage is charred black. I'll never forget the sight of it: the piano they keep on stage had collapsed when one of the legs burned through, the electronics and lighting were all disabled since the damage was so extensive, and apparently they had a tough time getting the fire otu at all because all the fire extinguishers were expired and barely worked. Apparently, mid-fire, someone ran out to Wal-Mart and bought two of the cheap ones while the rest of the church battled the flames on the stage with faulty equipment. Thankfully nobody got hurt, but sitting there right in the middle of the stage were a pair of high heels, completely unblemished and untouched by the fire. Mocking the absurdity of it all. I'm told it burned for twenty minutes straight while people sat around waiting for Wal-Mart guy to get back, just doing their best to contain it somehow with the power of good intentions.

To this day I don't know what they did to gently caress up so badly, but I took it as a sign that maybe there is a dude up there punishing us for our stupidity. Just maybe. Needless to say there was a prayer drive the following week and the damages ended up repaired rather quickly. I'm still just thankful they didn't try to set some poor lady on fire. And to this day they still haven't updated all the fire extinguishers, just the ones around the stage.

# ? Feb 17, 2016 23:30

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

you people will never understand what is going on without the bible, this cover up has nothing to do with egypt, NOTHING!! it have every thing to do with the people that are in israel now killing palestinians and arabs calling their selfs jews. EVERYONE KNOW THAT THE ANCIENT EGYPTIAN WHERE BLACK( they know it to thats why they created egyptology to whitewash the black egyptians) THE BIBLE TELLS YOU THAT THE ANCIENT EGYPTIAN AND ANCIENT ISRAELITES WHERE OFTEN CONFUSED/MISUNDERSTOOD FOR ONE AND THE OTHER THEY HAD THE SAME PHYSICAL FEATURES. the imposter in israel that owns the media had to make you think egyptian where white and at the same time the created atheism to get you away from the BIBLE(KING JAMES VERSION)

# ? Feb 19, 2016 04:49

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Volume posted:

you people will never understand what is going on without the bible, this cover up has nothing to do with egypt, NOTHING!! it have every thing to do with the people that are in israel now killing palestinians and arabs calling their selfs jews. EVERYONE KNOW THAT THE ANCIENT EGYPTIAN WHERE BLACK( they know it to thats why they created egyptology to whitewash the black egyptians) THE BIBLE TELLS YOU THAT THE ANCIENT EGYPTIAN AND ANCIENT ISRAELITES WHERE OFTEN CONFUSED/MISUNDERSTOOD FOR ONE AND THE OTHER THEY HAD THE SAME PHYSICAL FEATURES. the imposter in israel that owns the media had to make you think egyptian where white and at the same time the created atheism to get you away from the BIBLE(KING JAMES VERSION)

What were their dicks like? Big, you think?

# ? Feb 19, 2016 05:09

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Grand Prize Winner posted:

apes actually have pretty small dicks, though

How big would King kongs dick be if he was averagely hung for a 100 foot tall ape? Did they show it in any of the movies? Is your extensive knowledge of ape dick part of your profession, or merely your hobby?

# ? Feb 19, 2016 05:12

CaptainSarcastic: Jul 6, 2013

FrankieGoes posted:

How big would King kongs dick be if he was averagely hung for a 100 foot tall ape? Did they show it in any of the movies? Is your extensive knowledge of ape dick part of your profession, or merely your hobby?

This a good AV/post combo right here.

# ? Feb 19, 2016 05:29

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

My name is Alexander Cain. I am a theology professor working at one of the largest universities in Arkansas. I earned a doctor's degree in archeology and ancient history and have dedicated more than 17 years of my life to the study of the most cryptic texts of the Bible.

What I discovered will send shivers down the spine of every true Christian and Patriot... because inside the final chapters of the Holy Book, the prophets give a very precise account of what is happening in America at this very moment... And they foretell a very dark and sinister fate for our great country...

According to 4 major biblical prophets something truly terrifying is coming our way, and it will hit homeland before the 1st of January 2017...

# ? Feb 20, 2016 22:49

Top City Homo: Oct 15, 2014; Ramrod XTreme

Volume posted:

My name is Alexander Cain. I am a theology professor working at one of the largest universities in Arkansas. I earned a doctor's degree in archeology and ancient history and have dedicated more than 17 years of my life to the study of the most cryptic texts of the Bible.

What I discovered will send shivers down the spine of every true Christian and Patriot... because inside the final chapters of the Holy Book, the prophets give a very precise account of what is happening in America at this very moment... And they foretell a very dark and sinister fate for our great country...

According to 4 major biblical prophets something truly terrifying is coming our way, and it will hit homeland before the 1st of January 2017...

i cant wait

# ? Feb 21, 2016 01:34

Data Graham: Dec 28, 2009; 📈📊🍪😋

Millenialists and apocalypticists started making a lot more sense to me when I realized they were looking forward to the world ending. They weren't warning the world to change its sinful ways; they were saying "Haha, we're getting saved and you're not, so let's get this show on the road already"

# ? Feb 21, 2016 03:23

Topographic Nap: Apr 22, 2007

Data Graham posted:

Millenialists and apocalypticists started making a lot more sense to me when I realized they were looking forward to the world ending. They weren't warning the world to change its sinful ways; they were saying "Haha, we're getting saved and you're not, so let's get this show on the road already"

I think its more of an ego thing. People cannot fathom the world continuing on without them so they believe it will certainly end when their life ends.

# ? Feb 21, 2016 03:47

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tif3l-bnMyE

# ? Feb 21, 2016 20:15

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Volume posted:

My name is Alexander Cain. I am a theology professor working at one of the largest universities in Arkansas. I earned a doctor's degree in archeology and ancient history and have dedicated more than 17 years of my life to the study of the most cryptic texts of the Bible.

What I discovered will send shivers down the spine of every true Christian and Patriot... because inside the final chapters of the Holy Book, the prophets give a very precise account of what is happening in America at this very moment... And they foretell a very dark and sinister fate for our great country...

According to 4 major biblical prophets something truly terrifying is coming our way, and it will hit homeland before the 1st of January 2017...

The theology professor that ALL the prophets LOVE to HATE: You won't believe what happens next!

# ? Feb 21, 2016 20:22

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PA_QSEh-EAI

# ? Feb 21, 2016 20:28

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

David Hickman was so small when he was born, family members fashioned miniature diapers from a beanie cap and poured breast milk into his mouth with a spoon. He had come into a religious family, one that wanted him to be born at home and trusted only God to take care of him.

It was Sept. 26, 2009, and David had arrived two months premature, weighing 3 pounds, 7 ounces, according to court documents. Despite his small stature, his parents said, he had a healthy glow and strong cry. But hours later he was dying � the color and muscle tone falling from his face.

His father �ran into the room where one of his aunts was holding David and anointed David�s head with olive oil and began to pray,� the Oregon Supreme Court wrote last week in an opinion. �He sat in a chair by the bed, held David in his arms, and prayed. � Over the next few minutes, David turned blue, then gray.�

His parents, Dale and Shannon Hickman, were later found guilty of manslaughter for failing to seek medical attention for their newborn son. The conviction was upheld last week by the Oregon Supreme Court, meaning the couple will continue to serve their six-year prison sentence.

[The �cult�-like church whose members are accused of fatally beating a teen]

# ? Feb 25, 2016 04:49