quote:

Sorry, I didn't read the whole article - if I had, I would have known that the vegetable in question was shoved up his rear end by the future newspaper article "Doctors remove 18-inch cassava from man who tried to use it as a sex toy."

a goon posted:

Sorry, I didn't read the whole article - if I had, I would have known that the vegetable in question was shoved up his rear end by the future newspaper article "Doctors remove 18-inch cassava from man who tried to use it as a sex toy."

Say Nothing posted:

More butt stuff.

dumb. posted:

The last time I had a cinnamon roll can explode in my butt I did NOT have that expression.

zakharov posted:

Or it's a fake headline

Invisble Manuel posted:

quote:

PARROTS.

There are few persons or things that are more objectionable than the parrot. In the first place, considered merely as a bird, there is altogether too much of him. The graceful little canary in this delicate wire cage is a thing of beauty even in the eyes of the cold and cynical cat, but the large and gaudy parrot in his immense tin penitentiary is about as unfit to ornament a room as would be a savings bank President dressed in a red coat and yellow trousers and confined in a large meat-safe hung on the side of the wall. The parrot would not seem to be so offensively large were it not for his wretched taste in dress. The more colors that perverse bird can heap upon himself the better is he pleased, and his especial fondness for red, yellow, and green, is the unmistakable mark of a low and vulgar nature. Everybody knows that he cannot sing. Indeed, the parrot admits this himself, and devotes all his energies to the imitation of the language of other animals. There is no doubt that he is a good linguist, but he grossly perverts his natural abilities. Hundreds of parrots have learned to speak the cat, the human, and the horse languages, together with half a dozen different dog dialects, but what use have they ever made of these accomplishments? Has a parrot ever translated the remarks of the cat in regard to the family mice into the language of the householder, so that the latter could more effectually lay his places for the extermination of the mice? or has any parrot thought of repeating to the cat the threats that he may have overheard certain disreputable dogs make in reference to her? The parrot scorns any really useful action of this kind. His highest ambition is to try to imitate some human being whose conversation may have made an impression upon him, and, as a rule, he selects for repetition the most silly and objectionable remarks that his model makes. It appears to be the conviction of nearly every parrot that every one whom he meets is an erring Southern citizen, who needs to be conciliated by a series of disconnected platitudes. The effect upon the average man is maddening to the last degree, and it is noticeable that no really kind-hearted and genial person ever keeps a parrot. That offensive style of bird is either kept by misanthropic old ladies or by malignant persons with a special grudge against their neighbors. A good man would no more dream of keeping a parrot than he would of keeping a Postmaster-General addicted to making a few humorous remarks every five or ten minutes during the day; and an intelligent man would sooner listen to an open-air performance by a peripatetic Administration than come within hearing of a parrot of any species whatever.

Mr. W. B. COOPER, of Philadelphia, is either a sanguine philanthropist or a peculiarly ingenious misanthropist, for the two resemble one another so closely that in many cases the differences are imperceptible. Mr. COOPER thinks that the parrot's abilities as a linguist can be greatly developed by education, and he proposes to establish a university for the exclusive education of parrots. It is his opinion that what parrots need is not strychnine or the wringing of their detestable necks, but "intellectual environment." In order to demonstrate the correctness of this view he intends to collect a large number of intelligent parrots, and give them daily lessons by competent masters. Parrots of all ages will be admitted, and there will be infant classes for newly-fledged parrots, as well as classes in languages, grammar, and rhetoric for adult parrots. Frequent examinations will be held, and those parrots who, either because of natural stupidity or willful neglect of study, are unable to pass the examinations will be dismissed. Thus, in the upper classes there will be none but able and learned parrots, and their associations with one another and with Mr. COOPER and his competent masters will constitute the "intelligent environment" of which Mr. COOPER speaks. He cherishes the belief that parrots can be taught to converse as well as the average barber, and to make public speeches that will compare favorably with those of conciliatory Cabinet officers. Very possibly his hopes may be fully accomplished, but it is hardly necessary to say that the world would scarcely gain thereby.

It will be noticed that Mr. COOPER says nothing whatever in regard to the care which will be given to the morals of the parrots of his university. The inference is that his teaching will be strictly secular, and will have nothing whatever to do with morals. His parrots will sit at their desks and pursue their purely intellectual studies, while their morals will be totally neglected. The result will be inevitable. Bad as the ignorant parrot is, the educated parrot will be far worse. Whereas, the parrot in his normal condition is notoriously profane, and much given to repeating the Swinburnian language of the forecastle, the cultured parrot will adopt other and even more detestable vices. If he is taught to speak with fluency and coherence, what is there to prevent him from becoming a confirmed and habitual lawyer, and arguing in open court the insanity of murderers, or convincing intelligent juries that a life of chronic banking necessarily renders a man morally irresponsible for his acts? How are we to prevent educated parrots from entering the ministry--especially since women have already led the way--and preaching voluble sermons setting forth the beauties of some new religion, or demonstrating that blue tailfeathers are among the vestments which a parrot minister may lawfully wear? Worse than all, we shall find it impossible to keep parrots out of Congress. They will point to this able advocate of the silver dollar, or that bold supporter of the right of the working man to regulate his wages by the weight of his bludgeon, and will triumphantly ask if an educated feathered parrot is not the peer of these human statesmen. Having thus put us to shame and silence, the parrots will win votes by the charm of their natural powers, and will crowd the paths to political preferment. We shall have a Congress of unprincipled parrots voting themselves enormous quantities of crackers, and constantly delivering interminable speeches full of glittering and sounding generalities concerning the beauties of lump sugar and the virtues and wants of the parrot race.

Something ought to be done to Mr. COOPER, and the conviction will soon become general that it should be done with a club of a heavy mallet. This nation is already nearly talked to death. What with its politicians, its lecturers, its barbers, and its professional men, it suffers from talk to an extent unparalleled in history. And yet this remorseless COOPER would deliberately induce parrots to add their talk to the deluge of gabble which is overwhelming us. Beyond a doubt, Mr. COOPER is a bold, bad man, and the public will fail in its duty if it permits him to open his parrot university. He ought to be shut up in a small room with a dozen parrots and half a dozen veteran barbers. Twenty-four hours of this would be quite enough. At the end of that time Mr. COOPER'S remains could be given to some medical college. The parrots and the barbers would be left a few hours longer to emulate the excellent example of the Kilkenny cats, and the scheme of educating parrots be thus signally frustrated, to the great good of the nation and of mankind.

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

Here's a strange editorial I just found, about parrots and from an 1877 issue of the New York Times. This guy is really mad about parrots. And parrot schools. And barbers. And Mr. W. B. Cooper.


http://timesmachine.nytimes.com/timesmachine/1877/09/29/80663314.html?pageNumber=4
originally published Sept. 29, 1877

Say Nothing posted:

Aesop Poprock posted:

It's not. http://www.snopes.com/suicide-black-star-wars-character/

Come on Say Nothing, I know it's your thread but there's not even anything humorous there. it's just an absence of news or comedy

Hogge Wild posted:

dsyp

Aesop Poprock posted:

Here

Trump mistakenly cites 7-Eleven instead of 9/11

https://www.washingtonpost.com/poli...ml?tid=pm_pop_b

Say Nothing posted:

Tiberius Thyben posted:

In all fairness, I have done the same thing.

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

Here's a strange editorial I just found, about parrots and from an 1877 issue of the New York Times. This guy is really mad about parrots. And parrot schools. And barbers. And Mr. W. B. Cooper.


http://timesmachine.nytimes.com/timesmachine/1877/09/29/80663314.html?pageNumber=4
originally published Sept. 29, 1877

Cumslut1895 posted:

depression and suicide is funny, if the depressed person fixates on something bad.

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

Here's a strange editorial I just found, about parrots and from an 1877 issue of the New York Times. This guy is really mad about parrots. And parrot schools. And barbers. And Mr. W. B. Cooper.


http://timesmachine.nytimes.com/timesmachine/1877/09/29/80663314.html?pageNumber=4
originally published Sept. 29, 1877

schadenfraud posted:

Florida man teenager accused as posing as a doctor offered plea deal

Kid opened his own surgery and treated patients. And he looked like this. How did anyone ever believe he was an actual doctor?

quote:

The theft follows less than a year after a lorry load of Wii U shooter Splatoon and various Amiibo figures were stolen from Nintendo.

AlphaKretin posted:

'Thousands of pounds' worth of Nintendo games stolen from lorry in Northamptonshire
http://www.videogamer.com/wiiu/star_fox_zero/news/thousands_of_pounds_worth_of_nintendo_games_stolen_from_lorry_in_northamptonshire.html
Video games are serious business.

Apparently this isn't the first time, either.

Mister Adequate posted:

Once you get old enough that the doctors all look younger than you, that's not really something you can judge anymore. To me he doesn't look any different from half the doctors I've seen in the last few years, I would absolutely be fooled if I didn't have other reasons to doubt his credentials.