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# ? May 6, 2016 16:24 |
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# ? Jun 8, 2024 05:53 |
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I love how it's too fast to read and even then the
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# ? May 6, 2016 16:32 |
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This is is making me giggle like an idiot.
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# ? May 6, 2016 16:35 |
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Also, sorry OP for hijacking the thread as well, good luck and stay safe.
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# ? May 6, 2016 16:58 |
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lol
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# ? May 6, 2016 17:02 |
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HardDisk posted:Also, sorry OP for hijacking the thread as well, good luck and stay safe. OP is going to dump that zero and get herself a hero. She's going to be okay
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# ? May 6, 2016 17:19 |
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Oh poo poo, don't make me do another thing
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# ? May 6, 2016 17:57 |
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baby why you gotta make me hurt you
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# ? May 6, 2016 18:23 |
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HappyKitty posted:baby why you gotta make me hurt you lmao
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# ? May 6, 2016 18:24 |
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HappyKitty posted:baby why you gotta make me hurt you
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# ? May 6, 2016 18:24 |
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Ms Boods posted:My own tuppence: please don't let these people wear you down. I got similar poo poo when my (prescription)-drug addicted, increasingly delusional ex was trying to gaslight me and was physically and mentally abusing me. Even when he made no secret about sleeping around on me by that point, I still had people going, 'Hmmm, maybe it's somehow YOUR fault.' I'm sorry that this all happened to you, and I don't mean to make light of it, but I just realized that this is basically the post JanIrvam thinks he made. I can only imagine the specific hell he put his ex through.
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# ? May 6, 2016 18:34 |
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HappyKitty posted:baby why you gotta make me hurt you Nostalgia4Infinity posted:OP is going to dump that zero and get herself a hero. Yeah! Here's hoping for the OP.
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# ? May 6, 2016 19:05 |
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DLAO posted:Thanks. I reached out to a lawyer so far. We've emailed a few times. I feel so sad about this, but I do enjoy the craziness going on in this thread. It makes me laugh every time someone quotes the first responder. First, the guy sounds like an epic jerk, separating him seems like the right thing to do. From what you describe he seems outright abusive, and nobody should feel obligated to absorb abuse. Second, a drug addiction, while an illness and a problem, is his responsibility to at least take action about. If he was actively seeking treatment, then there would be a case for it. However, if he clearly has no intention of fixing anything, then staying with him would be enabling his destructive behaviour and addictions. Sometimes stepping away is the kindest and most helpful thing you can do. This is your time of need as much as his.
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# ? May 6, 2016 19:49 |
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If he's not seeking help, then you sticking around isn't going to do him any favors. If anything, it'll just make it'll just let him keep thinking that his behavior is okay and he can keep doing what he's doing. Sever and lawyer up. The most amazing thing after my divorce was realizing just how unhappy I had been and how much of a huge relief it was to be done with it.
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# ? May 6, 2016 20:04 |
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Bingo. Just because someone has an addiction doesn't mean they become a zombie like those ants whose brains get taken over by a fungus. Some people may be predisposed to addiction, and it may be harder for them to break out of it. But they still have free will. No one should be guilted into devoting her life to someone who makes selfish, destructive decisions. I'm happy for you, OP, that you've realized that you deserve better.
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# ? May 6, 2016 20:11 |
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Railtus posted:First, the guy sounds like an epic jerk, separating him seems like the right thing to do. From what you describe he seems outright abusive, and nobody should feel obligated to absorb abuse. Yeah, I agree with this here. I think your thread has been epically derailed by some crazy person but from what you describe of his behavior he doesn't want to work with you or address your concerns in any way. I mean even in my periods of black-out alcoholism I never vanished for days at a time, just passed out on the couch, and that wasn't even the cause of my divorce as my ex used to like to party too. Have you brought any of this up with him (I'm sure you have, just seeing)? What was the reaction ?
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# ? May 6, 2016 20:47 |
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You even kept "fiancée" as "finance! Bobbie Wickham fucked around with this message at 00:49 on May 7, 2016 |
# ? May 7, 2016 00:31 |
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Railtus posted:Second, a drug addiction, while an illness and a problem, is his responsibility to at least take action about. If he was actively seeking treatment, then there would be a case for it. However, if he clearly has no intention of fixing anything, then staying with him would be enabling his destructive behaviour and addictions. Sometimes stepping away is the kindest and most helpful thing you can do. This is sort of half-true. Even if someone seeks treatment, it isn't necessarily going to work unless the person in question feels like they can succeed with it and has the motivation (which is something they only have limited control over), so I don't think that an addict that isn't currently trying to quit is necessarily a bad person. That being said, as an addict myself I can't even imagine trying to be involved with someone else and, largely due to my experience actually being one, I would never date an addict. I don't think it's really possible for someone to advance other aspects of their life while addicted; it just exacts too much of a heavy toll on you in terms of both physical and mental stress and trauma (note: this doesn't necessarily apply to maintenance therapy, like people on suboxone/methadone).
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# ? May 7, 2016 02:30 |
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Ytlaya posted:This is sort of half-true. Even if someone seeks treatment, it isn't necessarily going to work unless the person in question feels like they can succeed with it and has the motivation (which is something they only have limited control over), so I don't think that an addict that isn't currently trying to quit is necessarily a bad person. That being said, as an addict myself I can't even imagine trying to be involved with someone else and, largely due to my experience actually being one, I would never date an addict. I don't think it's really possible for someone to advance other aspects of their life while addicted; it just exacts too much of a heavy toll on you in terms of both physical and mental stress and trauma (note: this doesn't necessarily apply to maintenance therapy, like people on suboxone/methadone). This. It's also incredibly difficult to move on from addiction when the person who's essentially "enabling" you is still around. You don't put the drugs in the dude's hands, you don't pour alcohol down his throat, but your continued presence is sending a kind of tacit acceptance of both modes of behavior. This is not what you're actually doing, mind you. Rather, it is how his booze-soaked brain/meth is likely to interpret it. I'm just spitballing on that part, but I have reliable sources that tell me this is so (namely, me, currently going through the process of bidding my own alcoholic consumption goodbye), and I've had a while to reflect on it. For a long time, I was the bullshit, do-nothing spouse. My husband enabled a lot of this in me, and generally suffered the consequences of my use. He wasn't a model husband by any stretch of the imagination, mind, but after a great deal of consideration, it's hard to be mad at him for any of his quirks when my methods of engaging him (whilst on a bender) were considerably worse. But that's just the thing: initially, I was mad at him-- for leaving, for a lot of things-- until I started to get my head on straight. I'm not sure I would have if he hadn't left, and two years out from that, I'm still struggling to go sober. He made it easy for me to stay where I was, because I could rely on him being there, reminding me that I'm not always a horrible person, and we could keep on keeping on. There's a lot more to that, but this isn't my thread. This is more of an effort to add a counterbalance to what your friends say from someone who's lived it/is in the process of living it. I should note, also, that it wasn't his fault that him staying kept me running in place, and he's not a bad, or stupid person for having done it. I honestly feel pretty terrible for using his presence as tacit permission to be a horrible human being, because that's really not what he signed up for. He didn't ask to be yelled at, or insulted, or to deal with my poo poo when it came up. In the end, I think he was asking himself when, exactly, all that poo poo and bile would start to turn physical. I don't think it would have, but it's hard to say. There's a lot of things I've done over the years that past-me would've never dreamed herself capable, but, thanks to him having the strength to get up and go, I don't have to wonder just how far that could've gone. As for your husband, he'll be mad, he'll be sad, he may cry or yell a lot to your mutual friends, and he will probably try to come up with ways to say that you're failing him as a person by walking away when he needs you. Your strongest defense in this regard is to remind yourself that you did your best, got him back up on his feet when he needed you to, and that you are not - at this point - capable of carrying him any further. The rest, he needs to do on his own, and - unfortunately - you have no way to get him there. If anything - or, at least, if my experience is any indication - you may be doing him a bigger favor by leaving than by staying. It's a huge wake-up call. On the flip side, if he sinks even deeper into his random benders, you need to remind yourself that it's not your fault. One thing I would say, also, is that maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk to AA groups that revolve around the spouses/loved ones of addicts? Maybe not to attend meetings - I don't know if those exist, but I'd imagine they do? - but at least to get a list of resources for yourself, and, if you really want to go above and beyond when it comes to leaving with a clear conscience, resources for him, as well. I don't know if any of this helps to hear, but it seems like it's part of what you're wrestling with, at those occasional times you forget that he calls you a bitch when you refuse him sex.
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# ? May 7, 2016 03:44 |
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where the hell was this during the BlueStory saga
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# ? May 7, 2016 04:22 |
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seacat posted:
Sadly, yes. He avoids it. I told him I was still upset from the last time and he said 'Good' and rolled over and took a nap. When I'very tried to bring it up he usually just says 'shut up' or 'just stop'. I waited and asked if he wanted to talk and he said 'no'. Right now he's mostly trying to pretend everything is fine. I don't think we'd be at this point if he'd at least communicate with me. Pretending something isn't broken and not bothering to fix it doesn't work for me though. It just means we're sitting in a hot broken down car on the side of the road going no where.
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# ? May 7, 2016 14:03 |
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Ms Boods posted:My own tuppence: please don't let these people wear you down. I got similar poo poo when my (prescription)-drug addicted, increasingly delusional ex was trying to gaslight me and was physically and mentally abusing me. Even when he made no secret about sleeping around on me by that point, I still had people going, 'Hmmm, maybe it's somehow YOUR fault.' Ms Bonds First off, thank you for sharing your own personal story. That meant a lot to me. Secondly, I am sorry that your ex was an epic douchebag and let's his flavor of the month do that and that they garnered that much debt in identity fraud. There's no way to press charges against him? I am glad you are happy now and in a better place. But I feel as fellow goods we should bond together and go throw eggs at his house or something. It's going to be a long road for sure...
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# ? May 7, 2016 14:14 |
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DLAO posted:Ms Bonds First off, thank you for sharing your own personal story. That meant a lot to me. Secondly, I am sorry that your ex was an epic douchebag and let's his flavor of the month do that and that they garnered that much debt in identity fraud. There's no way to press charges against him? Cheers! No worries about me at present -- this was (happily) quite a long time ago now; I had an excellent lawyer who helped for me to get back on my feet. Not in the way that nut on the first page described, but my lawyer made sure that none of the CC debt after that $14K one affected me, and I curb stomped the $14K debt long ago. And living well really is the best revenge. A colleague looked up my ex's Rate My Professor back when that was still a thing, and you can see where he was coming unglued and all of his shite was getting him into trouble. His good-guy facade also finally crumbled at his workplace, as well. Dude was also into the whole stolen valour thing & tried to get people to admire how bravely he was coping with his Marine Past (of course he made up some phoney baloney 'special services' branch). My lawyer, who was a real-life ex Navy guy (some flavour of officer) pounced on this in court and demanded that I receive half of my ex's military pension My point is, you've got some good supporters on your side in this thread, and here's wishing you good luck that you have some good support in real life, too -- it's very difficult, I know, we know, to see some of the stuff clearly going on around you cos you're in the middle of it at the moment. There's some sound advice above about the difficulties of living with an addict, &c., and the kinds of stuff that might get said to you. Stay frosty, and take the good advice in this thread. Eventually, you'll be out of it, and on you way to rebuilding a good life for yourself. I know all of that sounds cliched, but if you're determined, you'll get there.
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# ? May 7, 2016 14:32 |
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PigsEye posted:
You post does help. A few people have suggested I go to some of those meetings and I am considering it. I know what I need to do, I'm just taking everything slowly. Why? Because this sounds like the process is not going to get any faster and there are so many things to think about. He wasn't like all this in the beginning. He was very sweet. Throughout the years he is still sweet sometimes. But that is far and few in between. There is somewhat of a pattern to the behaviour. At least I know the first two days when he comes back he usually can't sleep and gets up constantly (if he's pretending to sleep) or can stay doing the same thing for hours (Playing the same video game for 12 hours) and he barely eats. The third and fourth days he's angry and can get violent. Usually things end up broken because they 'weren't working right anyways'. It's a beautiful, beautiful world.
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# ? May 7, 2016 14:32 |
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DLAO posted:You post does help. A few people have suggested I go to some of those meetings and I am considering it. I know what I need to do, I'm just taking everything slowly. Why? Because this sounds like the process is not going to get any faster and there are so many things to think about. That sounds like meth/speed in pretty big doses.
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# ? May 7, 2016 21:30 |
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All (most) lovely partners start sweet. That's why they became partners in the first place.
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# ? May 8, 2016 11:29 |
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Hey, I thought I was the last Don Vito standing
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# ? May 8, 2016 14:57 |
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ExtraFox posted:where the hell was this during the BlueStory saga Holy poo poo yes. OP I'm sorry about your situation, I think talking to a lawyer is the best idea. Not related: Thanks to the dramatic readings/videos, I've been laughing like an idiot.
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# ? May 8, 2016 16:55 |
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DLAO posted:Sadly, yes. He avoids it. I told him I was still upset from the last time and he said 'Good' and rolled over and took a nap. When I'very tried to bring it up he usually just says 'shut up' or 'just stop'. I waited and asked if he wanted to talk and he said 'no'. Right now he's mostly trying to pretend everything is fine. Hey, sorry to say but this is classic addict avoidance behavior. I know it's painful to hear but you'd probably be doing you both a favor by at least splitting up. It doesn't have to be a full on divorce yet but you have to let him know you are serious. Definitely first step is to get an attorney as you are the responsible one in the household and you want your assets to be protected; unfortunately nobody on SA, even the lawyers, can you advice on that. . What you've described as others have pointed out is most likely speed (meth, adderall, whatever) related and that is serious, serious (felony level) stuff -- I'm lucky I caught a few misdemeanors because alcohol is legal. Are you willing to go visit him in prison when he eventually gets busted? That sort of stuff doesnt' tend to come up until it's too late . My divorce as a then-full blown alcoholic, now recovering, wasn't actually about my addiction but financial and lack of planning for children issues. My ex-wife is a wonderful person, she just really liked to party and was sort of an enabler. You mentioned you don't drink, use drugs, and otherwise are responsible person. It's clear that you still have feelings for the dude otherwise you wouldn't be asking for advice. My advice given the information you've posted would be a trial separation guided completely by a family law attorney. Divorces happen. It sucks rear end, and it's probably the most painful thing you'll go through, but it goes away and you go on with your life.
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# ? May 8, 2016 20:52 |
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DLAO posted:You post does help. A few people have suggested I go to some of those meetings and I am considering it. I know what I need to do, I'm just taking everything slowly. Why? Because this sounds like the process is not going to get any faster and there are so many things to think about. Sounds to me that he's taking meth or some other stimulant. I have a brother who had this kind of behavior when he would go on binges. Is he actively trying to break the habit of his addiction or is he not admitting to it? As bad as it sounds, sometimes you have to separate from an addict even though you love them. They're not the same person when they're on drug and nothing you do can make them change unless they want to. At a certain point, all you're doing is enabling them. If/when you leave or divorce him, he's probably going to try blaming you for his condition and for not sticking by him. That's just his selfishness talking and his refusal to admit that his problem is caused by himself. It's not your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty for trying to better your own life by leaving him.
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# ? May 9, 2016 14:22 |
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OP get a lawyer and take solace in the fact that you had one of your threads is potentially goldmined
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# ? May 9, 2016 23:21 |
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JanIrvam posted:Do you have kids? If you have kids, divorce should be the most painful thing imaginable. At least it was for me. Though most people I have met that have divorced with children really don't know or give a gently caress what it does to kids because, well, most people are psychopathic, and chances are, you are too. However, if you do have kids, it's a different matter than if you don't. I read this quote in the funny forum quotes thread in pyf and I'm so glad that I found the thread. I have no further advice, I feel like everything has been covered, and also can in no way relate to the situation. Good luck OP, I hope your life sees significant improvement.
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# ? May 10, 2016 04:03 |
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Don't be intimidated by his threats to take everything you've got. He's full of poo poo. How much he can get depends greatly on what state you live in, whether it's a Community Property state or an Equitable Distribution state. In Community Property states, the marital assets are split 50/50. In Equitable Distribution the assets are split fairly, but not necessarily equally. If what you've told us is true, he has the most to lose, not you. Generally, your separate property which you owned before the marriage, you get to keep. Everything you or he bought during the marriage is marital property, which has to be divided. Expect to itemize every little thing. The fact that your marriage of short duration plus the fact that you have no kids, is a great thing. He might well make an argument for spousal support (alimony) based on the fact that you make more than him. Still, short duration + no kids means a good chance a judge will just laugh at him. You still might need to pay support for a SHORT time. Since you bought a house together, that will be the biggest marital asset that will need to be divided. If you keep the house, expect to pay him for half. Again, this depends on the state you live in. YOU WILL NEED TO LAWYER UP. NOW. Sounds like he's going to do everything to drag his feet and slug up the process. Be patient, stay the course. IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT IN THE END. You will be so happy in a year or so from now. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Community_property
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# ? May 10, 2016 20:46 |
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Forgive me if this has been answered already but I just had my mediation today and they're making me take a "parenting course". I can do it online. My lawyer said it takes like 4 hours. What does it entail? Is there a test? How do I prove I did it? I assume they email you something. There's very little info about on Google.
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# ? May 10, 2016 22:03 |
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I love the two threads happening in this one thread
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# ? May 12, 2016 23:35 |
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I don't have any content but I have been having a really bad day, then I clicked on AT and remembered the weirdo's posts/goon's reading/Star Wars and I feel better now. So OP you have indirectly made one person's life better today.
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# ? May 13, 2016 00:13 |
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JanIrvam posted:Wow.
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# ? May 16, 2016 09:35 |
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Up Circle posted:something awful is amazing Came to read the foreign service thread, find this, complete with spergy eve posts, dramatic reading and star wars scroll text. This is a good morning, thanks goons.
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# ? May 16, 2016 13:09 |
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JanIrvam posted:Do you have kids? If you have kids, divorce should be the most painful thing imaginable. At least it was for me. Though most people I have met that have divorced with children really don't know or give a gently caress what it does to kids because, well, most people are psychopathic, and chances are, you are too. However, if you do have kids, it's a different matter than if you don't. I think you're projecting just a wee bit e: wait you're the guy that melted down in QCS about deleting your account, guess this was why, lmbo bradzilla fucked around with this message at 20:36 on May 18, 2016 |
# ? May 18, 2016 20:34 |
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# ? Jun 8, 2024 05:53 |
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What a work of art. I want to get that printed on one of those japanese body pillow things. 5
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# ? May 19, 2016 03:48 |