- Smasher Dynamo
- Oct 16, 2008
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Eternal Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."
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Super-League XIX, Week 11: Quite Possibly the Worst Update
The one problem, well, I guess there are a lot more than just one problem with the Super-League, but the problem that feels the most pressing to me most of the time is the fact that the schedule is relentless. I need to come up with four games of the week every other day, and that means, in addition to the pressure of having to come up with those ideas, I also have neither the time nor energy and go back to fix them if they aren't as good as they should be.
And it's frustrating, because a lot of times, I want to go back and fix them, but I just don't have the stamina left to do much. Which leads to updates like today's...
Games of the Week
Don May posted:
MONICRO PERFORMS GRAND DEMON SEAL ON CBX, NINE TAKE TITLES WITH 4-2 WIN
Moni-Land- In a dramatic twist of fate, the Wolverines' Hardcore and Larkin-Downing reign has ended just a week after it began thanks to an amazing four-game sweep of the Wolverines by the Slaughterhouse Nine.
If there was on theme in this series, it was that the Wolverines' starting rotation was just unable to put a stop to the rampaging Nine offense, which has looked impressive through the first eleven weeks of the season. The result was that today's 4-2 game, in which the Wolverines "only" gave up four runs, was as good as it got for the Detroit team in this series.
Today's game was little different, as the Nine sprinted to a 4-0 lead in the middle innings, and simply couldn't make the comeback, even against the hopelessly vulnerable Nine bullpen, which, as usual, gave less than a stellar effort, with Bill Hands allowing a two-run dinger to Alan Trammell that, for all of one second, made it appear that the Wolverines might yet have life left in them. That ended quickly, as Hands recovered and ended the game, sending the titles to Monicro.
"Shiny!" Monicro called, looking at his titles. "And look, they've got writing on them too. It's a good thing I'm in the best reading group in my class!" Monicro said, seconds before cbx caved in half of the press room by crashing his Ameri-Mech through the wall. Exiting quickly, he drew his katana and advanced on Monicro.
"You will pay for your insults to my honor!" cbx said, lost in the throes of anime-induced delirium. "Omae no aite wa ore da!" He said as he ran towards Monicro, who quickly dodged.
"I wish I could speak Japanese that good." Monicro said, unthreatened by cbx. "Because then I could watch anime without subtitles or dubbing!" He said.
"Prepare to die, foolish child!" cbx kept swiping at Monicro with his sword. "Jama da!"
cbx sliced through the air once more, until he suddenly collapsed in pain. When he stood up, he saw that, in the course of the struggle, Monicro had put some sort of paper seal on his chest. "Nani?" He asked.
"I saw this work in an anime, you put something on a paper seal, and can use it to seal demons. I think, like I said, I don't speak Japanese, and the subs weren't very good, so I'm not sure that they translated it right."
cbx strained against the power of the seal. "This will not hold me for long, and then you will face the wrath of the Anime and America combined!" He threatened.
"I know, in the show, someone had to die in order to make the seal permanent, and that was really sad. I felt sad. And I cried a little. How could Satsura give her life to seal the demon that was her best friend? Was the world, really-"
"KILL!" cbx kept trying to break the power of the seal.
"Oh, yeah, that, anyway, one of your guys was willing to sacrifice himself to stop you." Monicro said, waving John McGraw in.
"What? McGraw? Nani yatte n da yo?" cbx was outraged. Presumably.
McGraw looked irritated. "The gently caress does that mean? That's not loving English! What the gently caress happened to you, cbx? You used to be about America, the good part of America, too. And now you're standing out here with some sort of Oriental-"
"You can't say 'Oriental' anymore." Monicro interrupted.
"The point is, you're acting like some sort of non-American monster, and if I have to give up my life to stop you, I'm willing to do it, because, quite frankly, I'd rather be dead than deal with another loving second of this anime horseshit." McGraw turned to Monicro, "Let's do this!"
"Right, okay, I think I can do this." Monicro said, "Uh, Super Magic Demon Anime Seal of the Cosmos!" Monicro said, firing a bolt of energy that passed through John McGraw, killing him instantly, and then surged into cbx, who collapsed.
"Yatta!" Monico leapt into the air, delighted, only for his joy to fade when cbx stood back up.
"Kore wa genjitsu da!" cbx said, evidently completed unharmed by Monicro's ritual, though it was unclear whether the ritual was just ridiculous nonsense to begin with, or if Monicro had just botched. "You killed my third baseman, Monicro! You will pay a thousand lives for his!" cbx then hopped back into his Ameri-Mech and took off.
"Ooh. He left his McGraw behind." Monicro noticed the corpse of McGraw still laying on the ground. "Are you okay, Mr. McGraw?" Monicro asked. McGraw, being dead, didn't answer. "No? You're dead, aren't you? Well, that's a whoopsie. But my dad said that it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them, so as long as I learn from this, then it's okay that I killed you and accomplished nothing."
GAME NOTES
-John McGraw, as a parting gift, made one more error. Truly, a great man.
-Robinson Cano is actually good now. Please update your records.
-Some day, Monicro will learn that Bill Hands should not be allowed to pitch in high-leverage situations.
-In my defense, the Wolverines really could have had held on a little longer to their titles to give me more time to figure out how to write this.
Box Score
Don May posted:
CROWS WIN AGAIN, STAY IN FIRST PLACE, FALL MUST COME SOON
Houston- What is to be done about the Crows' menace?
After today's 6-4 win over the Hol Horses, admittedly, a team that has been struggling, the Crows maintained their spot in first place in the Norris-Smythe Division, still two games up over the South Bolton Eazy W's. With both the Crows and Kernels in first place in their divisions, and the tag team pool looking more shallow than it has in years, it appears that little can stop them.
"Oh, Super-League, don't you dare be sour, listen to the cheers of the populace for the kid from Googopolis," The Goog announced, "Don't listen to that Greek chorus that wants to stop all this, because they don't want what's best for us, because we are the Crows, and here's HulkaMatt!"
HulkaMatt came out to his music, trailed by kensei and Moose. "That's right, just like four-star Roman, HulkaMatt doesn't disappoint, because the Crows just can't lose. We are the reigning, defending two-time tag team champions of the world. And we are the leaders of the Norris-Smythe Division, no matter how you slice it, because the Crows have finally arrived!" He said jubilantly.
"And today, we saw any anime-man try to take us down, but just like Four-Star Roman showed last night, you can come all the way from Japan with all of your fancy moves, but at the end of the day, Monathin is just like A.J. Styles, a tiny little guy whose role is to make the real star look better. Because, after I don't know how many seasons, I realize what the Crows are. We're not a bad team, we're not a good team, we're just the team that is going to win all of the championships. Believe that!"
Moose stepped up. "As HulkaMatt's lawyer, although, and, for legal reasons, I do want to be clear about this, I'm not a lawyer, and I'm not holding myself out to be one, and nothing that I say to HulkaMatt is covered by attorney-client privilege."
"See, the way you said 'for legal reasons', and talking about that attorney-client privilege, that's how I know that you've got the legal chops." HulkaMatt said back.
"No, HulkaMatt, that's not how it works. I could get in real trouble if I'm acting as a lawyer without a license." Moose tried to shut that down. "It would be bad."
"Now, wait a minute, Moose, if you need to be a lawyer to act as a lawyer, how come when I turn on the television, people are defending themselves all the time even if they aren't lawyers, that who prosay stuff."
"Pro se?" Moose clarified. "Well, that's different, you're allowed to act as your own attorney, but you can't act as someone else's attorney."
"No way, Moose. You're my friend, and I want you to act as my attorney." HulkaMatt said, "kensei, your thoughts?"
"Almeida is going to kill Cody Garbandt." kensei explained. "That's going to happen. And I guess Renan Barao is back. Although, I've got to say, after seeing him beaten by Dillashaw twice, and then Aldo getting knocked out in 13 seconds, Nova Uniao isn't what it used to be. The card gets kind of thin after that, though, with Saffiedine being out, maybe, then I don't know, that's not a great card on name value, but there could be some good fights. Except for the one with Chris Camozzi."
"Outstanding!" HulkaMatt said, not having paid attention to one word of what kensei said. The crowd frustrated, started chanting 'you can't baseball' at HulkaMatt, who just smirked. "Yeah, I also chant 'you can't baseball' at the guy leading his division. Man, it's just like Roman Reigns, people don't want to just open their eyes and realize that there's a new great star out there, and they just keep booing him and jeering him even though he is the best guy out there. I think that all of you internet nerds need to-"
HulkaMatt's tirade was cut short at the arrival of St. Mark Bellhorn leading a few members of the W's. "Sirrah, you have gone too far this time!" He said, pointing his bat at HulkaMatt, "Your praise of this Roman, whether it be some manner of man or empire is lost to me, but it angers the heavens themselves, and must be stopped, as must the Crows' reign of terror!"
"More like Roman Reigns of awesome!" HulkaMatt and The Goog high-fived at that.
"That be not a sufficient witty remark to merit a high of five!" Bellhorn protested. "A high of five should only be used when it hath been earned, not to be given away so lightly!"
"Hey, when you're doing as well as the Crows, you get to celebrate any time you want."
"That's not going to last long." Adam Dunn spoke up. "Because we're going to ground you next week."
"Doubt it." HulkaMatt said.
"But we have no choice!" Eri Yoshida protested. "Because Smasher said that if you actually won the division, that he'd burn the Super-League to the ground rather than let a Roman guy be happy. And I don't know what a Roman guy is, I guess you're big into the Roman Empire or something, which is weird, because the Roman Empire collapsed a long time ago. But we have to stop you."
"I think Roman is some sort of evil robot." Jack McDowell theorized. "Like, he was built by some sort of mad scientist who wanted to create the perfect human, but he ended up creating an emotionless robot that's tormented by his inability to connect to people. Also, he's got an unstable core that needs to be constantly regulated by some sort of girdle of power."
"Now wait a minute-" HulkaMatt started before considering what McDowell had said, "No, actually, that's about right. But even if you stop me next week, I'll still be the Super-League Tag Team Champions, too!"
"Nay!" Bellhorn bellowed, "For so resolved are we to end the Burnt Dorito menace for all time that we have agreed to join forces with the wickedest man in all of the Super-League to crush your team like some sort of corned chip! That is correct, villain, the W's and Panderers will be as one to put and end to thee once and for all!"
GAME NOTES
-The Crows are firing on all cylinders. That makes me feel uneasy.
-That said, the Crows' defense still isn't exactly a thing of beauty, as they made three errors on the day, even if none of them led to runs.
-Ken Oberkfell took the place of the injured Manny Ramirez. That is one hell of a downgrade. Monathin is lucky to have gotten a higher pick in the draft, because his team needs another outfield bat like a fish needs water. Also, much like a fish, it needs to be the right kind of water, as fishes tend to either be able to survive in saltwater or freshwater, and don't thrive in the other kind. So, Monathin, needing water, also needs to determine if he is a metaphorical saltwater fish or a freshwater fish. Or, perhaps, if he is the sort of fish suited to brackish waters, the sort found in estuaries and mangrove swamps.
Box Score
Don May posted:
CUNNING EVIL DEFEATS BRASH EVIL AS PANDERERS MOVE BACK INTO FIRST PLACE
Portland- Life is cruel.
There is no escaping that central tenet of life, and the Super-League is no safe haven to avoid it. In the Super-League, a team's existence is typically short and full of pain, and consists mostly of being devoured by the cruelest and least merciful teams.
That will likely never change.
In today's game, the Panderers, being a relentlessly evil team, had no interest in letting Trump Baseball escape from Portland with a win, and managed to force the issue, winning 3-2, and reclaiming sole possession of first place in the Senor Goodtimes Division.
Pander shook his head as he took the podium after the game. "'Second place is the natural location of the Panderers.'" He said, recalling mentholmoose's earlier comment. "I guess the Super-League is one of those systems where the fundamental forces of the universe just don't work the same way."
"I can see why mentholmoose would get confused. Everywhere else, entropy is the rule, things degenerate from complexity into simplicity, everything falls apart eventually, until the universe is of a uniform nature, in which nothing more complex than base particles exist, all evenly spread around the universe. That's the fate of the universe. And if you believe in that, and you think that the Super-League is bound by those same rules, then you look at a team like the Bombers, a disordered team that is chaotic, and has no structure, and you look at the Panderers, which is a clockwork team, where every piece contributes to the operation of the whole, and you expect that, in the fullness of time, that the clockwork team will break down long before the chaotic mess of a team does, and that, as a result, the chaotic team will eventually emerge victorious."
"At least, that's the charitable view of what mentholmoose said, and it assumes that he has any idea what entropy means. There's a pretty good chance that, in reality, mentholmoose wasn't really thinking of how the universe works so much as he was clinging to this insane idea that, at the end of the day, all things being equal, that the Bombers are a better team than the Panderers. Here's the reality, the reality is that, even with my Eddie Collins out, and my Eddie Collins was far more important to my team than his Eddie Collins was to his team, my team has more wins, we have the better pythagorean record, and we're just the better team."
"Oh, mentholmoose, by dint of his team being around forever, has stockpiled more talent, but to what end? Does anyone think he can make the finals? Maybe he can beat the Panderers in the playoffs, though, having a bit more experience than last season, I doubt that, but then what? He lost to the W's last season, and he lost to them at the nadir of their powers, I don't think that he could beat the Doom, because the Doom just have better hitting than the Bombers are ever going to get. But even if he did make it to the finals, he couldn't win them. He's not beating the Kernels, they're just too good for him. He's not beating the Sheikhs, he's not beating the RCMP, he's never going to be a Super-League Champion. His team's role is to make other teams look better."
"Look at the history of the Bombers. Their first two seasons? They're the punching bags of the Pirates. Now, hey, the Pirates were a great team, but the Bombers were never going to beat them, all they could do was hang on and take their beatings just to show how good the Pirates were. Then they move to the Senor Goodtimes Division, and they spend season after season getting the crap beaten out of them to make other teams look better. They made the New World Symphony look better, they made the Fhloston Pharmas look better. Remember when they were in those three-way tiebreakers every year and kept losing just when it seemed to matter the most?"
"That who the Bombers are, they are the team that loses to set up the champs. They aren't good at winning baseball games, but they are great at that, because when you beat a team like them, which looks like it should be good, 'looks' being the operative word, of course, it makes your own team look that much better when you beat them."
"Now, I don't want to read too much into things, but maybe mentholmoose's role in life in general is just to make other people look better. The world can't be made of all-winners. After all, if everyone wins, then no one wins. Some people have to be losers, they have to be failures, so that successful people." Pander pointed to himself, "Can be properly recognized as such, and so that the impressionable youth can learn how to become successful, both by example and by counter-example. If I take a class of children to take a look at mentholmoose, they will learn what not to do. And they'll learn it a lot better than if I just told them how to be successful, because hard work seems like it's not worth it, but if you show them what happens if you don't put in the hard work, that's what they need to see, and if there's one person that can scare them straight, it's mentholmoose. He might be too scary, actually, I wonder if a kid, seeing what mentholmoose is like, might decide that, rather than chance it, that they might as well..." Pander let the silence linger.
A reporter asked him about Trump Baseball. "What about them?" Pander asked. "They're barely in this league right now, and they're not going to be here next season. The cruelest thing Smasher ever did was let them come into the Super-League at all, because they're not surviving demotion next season, and they're not going to do much better in the Sub-Par League next season. That team is DOA unless Cthulhu can convince somebody that he is actually the greatest pitcher in human history, which, well, Smasher didn't seem to buy it, I guess we'll see how McFreeze feels when the time comes. But it's not my problem."
GAME NOTES
-Trump Baseball isn't terrible at drawing walks, but isn't much for any other part of the hitting experience, and that limits them. In today's game, they drew seven walks, the Panderers drew zero, and they still took the loss because they couldn't do much one they had guys on base.
-If the Panderers live long enough, maybe they can get enough offense so that beating Trump Baseball doesn't become an ordeal.
-Cole Hamels may be a viable Super-League starter now.
Box Score
Don May posted:
INCREDIBLE COMEBACK BREAKS REVENANT THRESHOLD'S HEART, GUMSHOES WIN 13-12
Glastonbury- In an inexplicable win, the Gumshoes mounted a nine-inning comeback in the top of the ninth, and then mooted a bases-loaded with no outs in the bottom of the eleventh to steal a victory from the Knights.
As part of his planned commemoration of his mammoth win, Revenant Threshold had commissioned a full play to be written of his exploits in this game, of which, following the sheer depth of his defeat, only fragments survive. The first such fragment provides an insight into Revenant Threshold's state of mind at the beginning of the comeback:
Enter REVENANT THRESHOLD and SPRIGGLES
REV
Victory is in our grasp, Twelve-to-three
With but one out remaining, bases bare
No great drama shall consume us for now
So I take the role of Polonius
To guide thee, young Spriggles, to instruct thee
SPRIGGLES
A more auspicious mentor, I'd prefer
Who was not stabbed whilst hiding in secret
REV
He was aveng'd, though, and quite speedily
SPRIGGLES
The price was dear, as I recall, too dear
REV
Vengeance should be dear, not easily bought
It is not a trifle to toss about
Let that be your first lesson that I teach
SPRIGGLES
Here comes a man, an Edd, with doubled 'd'
Though he's got the poise of just one, I think
REV
The game will surely end in his time at bat
The last drip that falls out of the bucket
To water our garden, our labors cease
And we retire to leisure, and rest
For the war beats on, until weeks are spent
Twenty and six, no more or less will do
SPRIGGLES
Oh! A ground ball! He is slain, it's over!
But for the error of Boggs, that bogs us
And ties us to this game, which must go on.
REV
No matter, what is one base runner now?
Our lead is nine, and he is one, I'll bet
Nothing comes from this, the game is much over
That following section, involving the growing sense of dread as the Gumshoes mounted their comeback, has been mostly lost, but scholars suggest that, based on the context, that the passage showed a gradual descent into horror as Revenant Threshold, watching batter after batter reach base, with not a single out being made, and not great home run to even provide a sort of catharsis, saw his nine-run lead shrink and shrink until, in the end, it dwindled into a tie game, only for the mercy of a quick end to be denied him when, at that point, his team finally got the out they needed to end the inning.
The next surviving section picks up in the bottom of the tenth.
REV
Yes, yes, yes, I see it now. 'Twas a test
An ordeal that I had to pass through
So that my victory was not made cheap
That my glory was earn-ed with labor
The bases loaded, the Bonds at the plate
The Shooter on the mound, the stage is set
The curtain drawn, the denouement begins
All is made well, and I along with it
My fears shrink, my hopes are restored to me
No greater misery had my heart felt,
No greater joy will my tir'd sight behold
SPRIGGLES
A slider, a swing, a miss! Bonds is out!
REV
It cannot be! It musn't be! It is!
Oh, my heart is sundered, its humors lost
Spill on this cursed ground, to drain to earth
But no flower will grow from this red rain
Joy flees this plane, never to return here
I wish I could follow, not remain crush'd
SPRIGGLES
This battle is not over! Attend now!
The Tettleton comes, he crawls to the plate!
So named because he tettles on the ground
Like a great tortoise who forgot his birth
And put on the upright guise of a man
A redoubtable fellow, if he is
Or a learned turtle, as it might be
I'll take no position on the matter
REV
The very ground quakes as he tettles on
This earth was not made for such odd creatures
A strange terror grips me when I see him
No human soul, but something stranger lurks
Beneath those fearsome eyes, stirs a grim beast
Not seen since the deluge, and long forgot
It was better unremembered by men
SPRIGGLE
The primeval force he put upon it!
The ball is gone from here, the lead is theirs
There is another lost section here that, from what has been pieced together, included a further lament from Revenant Threshold, as well as a further description of the fearsome creature known as "the Tettleton", as it rounds the bases to score. A period illustration of the Tettltone appears to conceive of it as some sort of monstrous leviathin that rises from the depths of the bench to wag its fearsome bat at pitches. A short fragment claims that when it swings and misses "it creates a hurricanoe of great force." Whether the Tettleton was purely mythical, or based on an incomplete understanding of some real creature is unknown.
It is speculated that, in the missing section, there is also a speech by the Syndicate, urging on the Gumshoes to victory, but it is unclear if that was an original part of Revenant Threshold's script or added later. In either case, it does not survive.
The final remaining segment picks up in the bottom of the 11th inning, when the Knights' final rally, which began promisingly with the bases loaded and no outs, has foundered, with two quick pop outs having been made.
REV
drat Wheat, drat him to the ends of his life
I'll only eat rye now, so much my rage
The thought of wheat bread sickens the stomach
Is this my just desert, on which to sup
SPRIGGLES
With no wheat, most desserts are naught to eat
Flour makes the base of most bak-ed goods
REV
Sandberg comes, judgment approaches us now
The end is here, I have no doubt what's next
The Eschaton surges downward to Earth.
No hope! No hope! No hope! No hope! No hope!
Darkness is all that remains, no light left
Whether or not the complete play ended with a monologue by Spriggles discussing the actual end of the game is unknown, with various sources giving contradictory indications.
GAME NOTES
-Both teams drew more walks than strikeouts.
-Neither team had a successful stolen base, and combined for three caught stealings.
-All nine runs scored in the Gumshoes' ninth inning were unearned because of the error by Wade Boggs. That seems more like a quirk of the rules regarding scoring runs more than anything else, since it's not like the Knights' relievers did so well that they should escape responsibility for their poor performances. But, hey, the rules were made well over 100 years ago, and therefore are sacrosanct.
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May 24, 2016 13:20
