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Surely you jape, serjeant, if you meant to tell me that you forgot that dark wings bring dark words--which are wind--to your nuncle, who is currently feasting upon a roasted capon; cooked in its juices, neeps, and Dornish peppers; a lamprey pie fresh from the ovens; a trencher of black bread which oddly enough is not fresh from the ovens but is from a prior repast; all washed down with a glass of red from the arbor. As he cracked open the capon to lay it on the trencher fresh grease poured down my nuncle's chin. He paid 3 pieces of silver for that repast so the innkeep prepared it just the way Nan used to. After this main course was done, he would feast upon some lemon cakes he brought back with him from the Vale. How nuncle found lemons in the Vale this late in fall ill never know. Ah--that maid of three-and-ten is bringing over the tray of lemon cakes, now. Nuncle told me a good jape after dinner: he said that the repast was so fine he may be making GBS threads gold like Twyin Lannister tonight! In actuality, we shat brown water like another maid of five-and-ten by the riverbank in the dothraki sea. Now you're adequately prepared for feast and dance. I advanced the plot about as much as gurm did and included all the necessary details visceril fucked around with this message at 12:32 on Jun 4, 2016 |
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Jun 4, 2016 12:26
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| # ? May 22, 2024 10:26 |
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That snipe felt as good as nipples on a breastplate
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Jun 4, 2016 12:27
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My myrish swamp is full of sticky princes after breaking my fast on that fat pink mast.
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Jun 4, 2016 12:45
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You guys failed to mention boiled leather.
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Jun 4, 2016 12:57
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The ship's serjeant's rockwife thought to pack some of his favorite foods with him for his reaving: sausages stuffed with minced neeps and garlic, black bread fresh from the ovens, and a lamprey pie or three. However, thanks to the storms blowing down from Crackclaw Cape the ironborn didn't set off until a fortnight past. The sausages tasted like boiled leather and the bread was harder than a Dornishman's cock on Baelor's Feast Day. And instead of eating his wife's lamprey pie, the serjeant ate the pie of his saltwife, a maid he plucked from oakshield island when she was but a maid of three-and-ten...two weeks ago. The serjeant enjoyed the look upon the innocent maids face when he gave her "the lord's kiss," but this was not his first salt wife, nor would it be his last, or even his favorite. That honor belongs to a merchant's daughter he captured off the coast of Lhys. Though her jackanape of a father told the serjeant she was a virginal maid, the thick ooze of her myrish swamp told another tale. She gnawed on his bone like one of The Bolton's Bitches and she devoured more sticky princes than Balerion did during the conquest. Dis bitch even did a Hodor Basket in a longboat cabin without any ropes!
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Jun 4, 2016 13:44
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We talkin a full basket, not that half basket poo poo you get in Kings Landing even though you pay for a full basket. Nah, none of that poo poo. Dis the kind of nasty swamp you only get on the free islands. No wonder Robb got his rear end killed for that Essos wench in another universe that maybe is the primary universe now.
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Jun 4, 2016 13:47
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One of my "favorite" things about the novels is that GURM can't write actual history in any sense. When the War of the Five Kings is on only one loses due to realistic historical forces (and even then it's because Theon is an idiot and overextends their army by a lot). - Renly loses because Magic. It's not even like there was an assassin who snuck behind enemy lines due to some pre-established weakness in their defenses. Nope, Stannis has sold his soul to the Lord of Light so he just wins. - Stannis loses because he suddenly turns from a masterful military commander into an idiot who can't sense a trap. Tyrion uses magic napalm but there are a half-dozen ways for that to go wrong and he just sails right in instead of reconsidering his strategy. - Robb would likely have laid siege to Casterly Rock, which could have led to a daring breaking of that siege (or any other number of tactical or strategic blunders) but instead he falls in wuv and abandons his entire military campaign (which he undertook to save his family) for a pretty girl that he has to marry right loving now. It's clear that history in Westeros used to work normally but when we get to the time period that's all gone to poo poo.
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Jun 4, 2016 17:32
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Well magic is returning to the world so that means realism is dying and so is good storytelling.
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Jun 4, 2016 17:40
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Zurui posted:- Robb would likely have laid siege to Casterly Rock, which could have led to a daring breaking of that siege (or any other number of tactical or strategic blunders) but instead he falls in wuv and abandons his entire military campaign (which he undertook to save his family) for a pretty girl that he has to marry right loving now. A girl he had to marry because he hosed her while grieving over news of his brothers' being murdered. At least the show tried to pretend it was some True Love poo poo, but in the books it's basically "sorry mom I had sex with this noble's daughter and she was a virgin so I have to marry her for honor even though it means being an oathbreaker." Cat, being one of the worst characters in the series, goes along with it. Someone with an ounce of sense like Tywin would've had her killed or otherwise made to vanish for obvious reasons. Maybe Bran will be the first male Stark in multiple generations to not have a terminal case of the Honor Stupids.
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Jun 4, 2016 17:44
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I remember my dad asking me last year how the gently caress the Starks have stayed in power for so long if they're surrounded by people like the Freys and Boltons and make decisions like this.
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Jun 4, 2016 17:55
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visceril posted:Surely you jape, serjeant, if you meant to tell me that you forgot that dark wings bring dark words--which are wind--to your nuncle, who is currently feasting upon a roasted capon; cooked in its juices, neeps, and Dornish peppers; a lamprey pie fresh from the ovens; a trencher of black bread which oddly enough is not fresh from the ovens but is from a prior repast; all washed down with a glass of red from the arbor. I must needs murder you
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Jun 4, 2016 18:01
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Kavak posted:I remember my dad asking me last year how the gently caress the Starks have stayed in power for so long if they're surrounded by people like the Freys and Boltons and make decisions like this. Papa and Brandon Stark seemed like smart people who got totally unavoidably hosed by the Mad King. Remember, dipshit Ned is the idiot middle child who was never raised to rule. And Robb was raised to rule by a dipshit that puts dumb middle child idealism ahead of practicality.
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Jun 4, 2016 18:02
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Evil Fluffy posted:it's basically "sorry mom I had sex with this noble's daughter and she was a virgin so I have to marry her for honor even though it means being an oathbreaker." Cat, being one of the worst characters in the series, goes along with it. Someone with an ounce of sense like Tywin would've had her killed or otherwise made to vanish for obvious reasons. This is the problem I had in the books. Wouldn't Ned Stark's son consider breaking an oath worse than anything save kinslaying? Not to mention the practicality that he just sold his life away to Walder so he should probably get some mileage out of these Frey armies. He should have sent a raven to the Twins saying "hey, no matter what you've heard I'm still good for our deal but I'm gonna kick some Lannister rear end first because that was our agreement." He doesn't have to make the girl vanish or anything. A GLISTENING HODOR posted:Papa and Brandon Stark seemed like smart people who got totally unavoidably hosed by the Mad King. I also don't buy that sworn knights would have stood by and just watched while someone was literally roasted alive but that's another discussion entirely.
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Jun 4, 2016 18:15
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Lycus posted:Don't worry, once you're through ASoS, you're all done with wandering. Then it just becomes meandering.
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Jun 4, 2016 18:28
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Zurui posted:- Stannis loses because he suddenly turns from a masterful military commander into an idiot who can't sense a trap. Tyrion uses magic napalm but there are a half-dozen ways for that to go wrong and he just sails right in instead of reconsidering his strategy. Yes but in the novels Tyrion builds a chain across the mouth of the harbour to prevent Stannis from withdrawing
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Jun 4, 2016 18:31
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A GLISTENING HODOR posted:Papa and Brandon Stark seemed like smart people who got totally unavoidably hosed by the Mad King. ned's dad and brandon, upon hearing lyanna had been taken by rhaegar, decided the best thing to do was to ride into king's landing, the seat of power of the MAD KING, and demand satisfaction. ned was the smart one of the family.
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Jun 4, 2016 18:33
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A GLISTENING HODOR posted:Papa and Brandon Stark seemed like smart people who got totally unavoidably hosed by the Mad King. Brandon was an immense idiot, he rode to the Red Keep and challenged Rhaegar to come out so he could kill him, Rhaegar of course wasn't even there and he just got arrested by Aerys. This incident is actually far more meaningful than the kidnapping of Lyanna and Brandon is a lot more at fault for how thins turned out than either Rhaegar or Lyanna.
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Jun 4, 2016 18:40
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mewse posted:Yes but in the novels Tyrion builds a chain across the mouth of the harbour to prevent Stannis from withdrawing That's exactly my point. Instead of redeploying or scouting or doing literally anything a military commander would Stannis just rushes his fleet into the river and into Tyrion's trap. He's about to assault the largest city in Westeros and his military acumen is suddenly (and without justification) on the level of a novice wargamer. IIRC it's some other dude who makes the final decision but they literally talk about what a great military commander Stannis is for two and a half books and then...that. At least the show had him be assaulted in the bay instead of on the river.
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Jun 4, 2016 18:40
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Zurui posted:That's exactly my point. Instead of redeploying or scouting or doing literally anything a military commander would Stannis just rushes his fleet into the river and into Tyrion's trap. He's about to assault the largest city in Westeros and his military acumen is suddenly (and without justification) on the level of a novice wargamer. IIRC it's some other dude who makes the final decision but they literally talk about what a great military commander Stannis is for two and a half books and then...that. You might recall that it wasn't actually Stannis leading the assault, he delegated authority to the lords who brought most of the ships which is generally the custom. Davos did notice the trap and did warn to act with more caution but Stannis was trying to appease his recently acquired vassals and so got screwed over. I don't know if it's realistic or not but at least it's not Stannis suddenly becoming an idiot.
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Jun 4, 2016 18:44
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The main problem was that Stannis listened to Davos and left the Red Priestess behind. So they didn't have the blessing of the fire god
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Jun 4, 2016 18:51
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Maybe so - it's been a while since I've read it. It's still a literary sucker punch that this great commander delegates to someone who doesn't grasp naval tactics. The way he marshals his army across the river and still makes an assault is great, though. I guess it's less that the kings turn into idiots and more that they suddenly act against their character when the plot demands it - but only for a minute, then they are suddenly back to being an amazing commander (or, in Robb's case, an honorable man). Alternately, it's possible I just hate the books altogether after all this time.
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Jun 4, 2016 18:55
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this is probably giving GRRM more credit than is due, but it's possible that he's just trying to demonstrate that these people who are known to be legends or strategic masterminds are ultimately human and can make mistakes.
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Jun 4, 2016 19:07
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Even with the wildfire and the chain Stannis still would have won if Littlefinger had not brought the Tyrells with him.
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Jun 4, 2016 19:43
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General Bort posted:Even with the wildfire and the chain Stannis still would have won if Littlefinger had not brought the Tyrells with him. This. Stannis would have walked right over King's Landing without breaking a sweat if not for Tyrion's chain. What actually defeated Stannis is not only Tyrion's defense, but an overwhelming offense from Littlefinger bringing in Tyrell / Renly's supporters with Stannis now having no ships and fighting with the ocean to his back.
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Jun 4, 2016 19:56
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Zurui posted:(or, in Robb's case, an honorable man). You know he was like 15 or 16 saying robb was acting out of character by impregnating a hot chick is defining him by the characteristic of being staunch honour guy and not by the whole of his identity which includes being a kid and like all 15 year old boys he is horny.
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Jun 4, 2016 20:00
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Blade_of_tyshalle posted:I never saw a dime. I had to join the military just to make ends meet. And due to that you had to give up your life long passion of editing hardcore porn. What a cruel world.
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Jun 4, 2016 20:14
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Neurosis posted:You know he was like 15 or 16 "I swear, Ma! It was because of honor!"
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Jun 4, 2016 20:20
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Neurosis posted:You know he was like 15 or 16 I'm not saying it's out of character for him to bone her. It's out of character for him to break an oath. His dad literally died to keep his oath to Big Fat Rob.
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Jun 4, 2016 20:20
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Zurui posted:I'm not saying it's out of character for him to bone her. It's out of character for him to break an oath. His dad literally died to keep his oath to Big Fat Rob. yeah, but it's not out of character of him to be a teenager and want to have lots of sex.
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Jun 4, 2016 20:54
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being super horny means having lapses in judgement. for example, breaking an oath to get laid.
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Jun 4, 2016 20:55
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"I took her castle and she took my heart. And by that, I mean, I scored twice."
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Jun 4, 2016 21:10
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Blind Sally posted:being super horny means having lapses in judgement. for example, breaking an oath to get laid. The seed is strong.
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Jun 4, 2016 21:13
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Robb should have done the real right thing and abdicated to bran if he wanted the girl so bad.
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Jun 4, 2016 21:21
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Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:Robb should have done the real right thing and abdicated to bran if he wanted the girl so bad. Bran was already "dead" by that point. His only surviving sibling as far as he knew at that point was Sansa (and Jon).
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Jun 4, 2016 21:22
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Abdicate and tell Walder that Sansa can marry Roslin after she's rescued.
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Jun 4, 2016 21:25
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Zurui posted:This is the problem I had in the books. Wouldn't Ned Stark's son consider breaking an oath worse than anything save kinslaying? Not to mention the practicality that he just sold his life away to Walder so he should probably get some mileage out of these Frey armies. He should have sent a raven to the Twins saying "hey, no matter what you've heard I'm still good for our deal but I'm gonna kick some Lannister rear end first because that was our agreement." He doesn't have to make the girl vanish or anything. Ser Arthur Dayne, the Knightiest of Knights. Stands there and watches as his completely insane king slowly cooks a man to death while his firstborn son is strangled trying to save them both, while likely knowing full well that Lyanna ran away and could've said as much at any time Much like Ned, Arthur Dayne's an idiot and Jamie's single act of shanking the Mad King makes him a better person than everyone else in the Kingsguard. Arthur probably would've started the fires himself.
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Jun 4, 2016 21:34
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emanresu tnuocca posted:Bran was already "dead" by that point. His only surviving sibling as far as he knew at that point was Sansa (and Jon).
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Jun 4, 2016 21:53
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Evil Fluffy posted:Ser Arthur Dayne, the Knightiest of Knights. Stands there and watches as his completely insane king slowly cooks a man to death while his firstborn son is strangled trying to save them both, while likely knowing full well that Lyanna ran away and could've said as much at any time Other than the sister loving that started way way young, Jaime is probably the most well rounded character. He makes rational decisions and is driven mostly relatable intentions. He's not a nice guy but people in power usually can't be.
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Jun 4, 2016 22:04
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I still remember the scene of Jaime, racked with guilt and confusion, stabbing Aerys and having a panic attack on the throne. Barristan lamented some of the things that he did in hindsight but Jaime really is one of he most conscientious characters
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Jun 4, 2016 22:43
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I think not loving his sister anymore was an intregal part of his redemptive arc and it's baffling to have the show say incest til the end, incest forever, a thousand years incest.
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Jun 4, 2016 23:02
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