Yaya posted:

CraigK posted:

IMAGE ARTIFACTS ARE MY TRIGGER

FairGame posted:

Didn't bother to edit out the @dril and replace with me, smdh

Pander posted:

That joke would work better if we actually spent money on the SL.

The Epic Cycle posted:

Thus the Kernels in Mitchell, scared like fawns, wiped the sweat from off them, and drank to quench their thirst, leaning against the goodly bleachers, while the Sheikhs, with their bats laid upon their shoulders drew close to the stadium. But stern fate bade the Masked Shortstop stay where he was before the Kernels' gate.

The MACHINE was greatly angered and said, "Terminal Unit the Masked Shortstop, tool of Cheater Unit CFBalla, you have baulked Failure Unit Beet, and used the envelope, and caused other damages in addition. MACHINE will have its revenge if it is in its power to do so."

On this, with fell intent it made towards the Masked Shortstop, and as the winning horse in a chariot race strains every nerve when he is flying over the plain, even so fast and furiously did the many limbs of the MACHINE bear it onwards. CFBalla was the first to not it as it scoured the plain, all radiant as the star which men call Orion's Hound, and whose beams blaze forth in time of harvest more brilliant than those of any other that shines by night. Brightest of them all though it be, it bodes ill for mortals, for it brings fire and fever in its train, so did MACHINE's metal skin gleam as it sped onwards. CFBalla raised a cry and beat his head with his hands as he lifted them up and shouted out to his dear shortstop, imploring him to take caution. But the Masked Shortstop still stood outside the gate, for his heart was set upon doing battle with the MACHINE. The Kernels' owner reached out his arms towards him and bade him for pity's sake to retreat. "The Masked Shortstop," he cried, "my shortstop, stay not to face this MACHINE, or you will meet death at the hands of Smasher's creation, for it is mightier than you. MACHINE that it is, would indeed that Smasher loved him no better than I do, for so, Marmosets and RCMP would soon devour the Sheikhs as it lay broken in the league, and a load of grief would be lifted from my heart, for many a good season has it reft from me, through playoff eliminations. Even now, I think of Super-League XV. Should I have won that season, this tragedy would not play out now, for I would never have used the envelope to start with. Have pity on your unhappy owner while life yet remains on him, on me, whom Smasher will destroy by a terrible doom on the threshold of this season, after I have seen my team defeated, and dreams dashed to earth. In the end, the fierce Macho Men will tear me in pieces at my own stadium after they have beaten the life out of the Kernels with bats and pitching."

CFBalla tore his hair as he spoke, but he moved not the heart of the Masked Shortstop. Thus did he with many tears implore the fates to change, but they changed not, and the Masked Shortstop stood his ground awaiting the MACHINE as it drew nearer towards him. As serpent in its den upon the mountains, full fed with deadly poisons, waits for the approach of man, he is filled with fury and his eyes glare terribly as he goes writhing round his den, so too did the eyes of the Masked Shortstop burn behind his mask as he stood where he was, undaunted.

"Alas." said he to himself in the heaviness of his heart, "if I go within the stadium, Rogers Hornsby will be the first to reproach me, for it was he that urged me to retreat from the MACHINE in the previous series. I would not listen, but it would have been indeed better if I had done so. Now that my folly has led us to this point, I dare not look the Kernels players in the face, lest a worse man should say, 'The Masked Shortstop has ruined us by his self-confidence.' Surely it would be better for me to return after having fought the MACHINE and destroyed it, or to die gloriously here in Mitchell. What, again, if I were to lay down my bat and glove, take off this mask, and go straight up to the MACHINE? What if I were to promise to give up the Dynamo League, which was the fountainhead of all this war? I might make the Kernels, by CFBalla's will, take a solemn oath that they would agree to such a thing. But why argue with myself in this way? Were I go up to the MACHINE, he would show me no kind of mercy. It would kill me then and there as easily as though I were a Bruzer. There is no parleying with it from some rock or oak tree as others may prattle with one another. Better to fight it at once, and learn to which of us Smasher will vouchsafe victory."

Thus did he stand and ponder, but the MACHINE came up to to him as it were the Eschaton itself, the final end. From its right shoulder, it brandished the terrible bat of Pelian ash, and the alloys of its skin gleamed around it like flashing fire or the rays of a burning sun. Fear fell upon the Masked Shortstop as he beheld the MACHINE, and he dared not stay longer where he was, but fled in dismay through the streets of Mitchell, while the MACHINE chased after him at its utmost speed. As a Billy Hamilton, swiftest of all runners, swoops down upon some unguarded base, the second baseman tries to make the tag, but Hamilton, with a quick slide, zooms under, even so did the MACHINE make straight for the Masked Shortstop with all its might, while the Masked Shortstop fled through Mitchell as fast as his legs could take him. As horses in a race speed round the turning-posts when they are running for some great prize, mint juleps, or perhaps some flowers, at the Kentucky Derby, so did these two run full speed three times round the town of Mitchell. Smasher watched them, and the sire of the Super-League spoke.

"Alas." Said he, "my eyes behold a creation that is dear to me being pursued round the town of Mitchell. My heart is full of pity for the Masked Shortstop, who has done many great things in my name, and now I see the noble MACHINE in full pursuit of him round the stadium of CFBalla. What shall I do. I must consider whether I shall save him or let him fall, valiant though he be, before the MACHINE."

Smasher considered and said, "Would I pluck this shortstop, whose doom has been decreed for months from the jaws of death? I could, but the owners would not be of a mind with me. No, a fate decreed may be deferred, but never denied." Thus did he dart down to Mitchell.

The MACHINE was still in full pursuit of the Masked Shortstop, as a hound chasing a fawn which he has started from its covert on the mountains, and hunts through glade and thicket. The fawn may try and elude him by crouching under cover of a bush, but he will scent her out and follow her up until he gets her, even so there was no escape for the Masked Shortstop from the fleet MACHINE. As a man in a dream who fails to lay hands upon another he is pursuing, the one cannot escape, nor the other overtake, even so neither could the MACHINE come up with the Masked Shortstop, nor the Masked Shortstop break away from the MACHINE, nevertheless he might even yet have escaped death had not the time come at last. A they were nearing the fountains for the fourth time, the father of the league balanced his golden scales and placed a doom in each of them, one for the MACHINE, and the other for the Masked Shortstop. As he held the scales by the middle, the doom of the Masked Shortstop fell down deep into the abyss. Thereon he went close up to the MACHINE and said, "MACHINE, favored of mine, we two shall surely take back to Sindh a triumph for the Sheikhs by slaying the Masked Shortstop. He cannot escape us longer. Stay here and recharge your reactor, while I go up to him and persuade him to make a stand and fight you."

Thus spoke Smasher, MACHINE obeyed him gladly and stood still, its claws planted into the ground, while Smasher left him and went after the Masked Shortstop in the form and with the voice of HulkaMatt. He came close up to him and said, "Brother Masked Shortstop, I knew you'd come. Let us end make the MACHINE's armageddon on this battlefield set for massacre, and let us determine who is the sole proprietor of this rivalry, for now, it shall be the MACHINE's final deletion!"

And the Masked Shortstop answered, "HulkaMatt, you have always been dearest to me of all my tag team partners, but henceforth I shall rate you yet more highly, inasmuch as you have ventured here for my sake when all others have not."

Then Smasher in the guise of HulkaMatt said, "Brother Masked Shortstop, the others went down on their knees and implored me to remain inside, as though to hide behind a dilapidated boat before a great storm of fireworks. Let us two make a stand and fight, and let there be no keeping our spears in reserve, that we may learn whether the MACHINE shall delete us, or whether he shall suffer THE COMPLETION OF THE FINAL DELETION!"

Thus did Smasher inveigle him by his cunning, and when the two were now close to one another, the Masked Shortstop was first to speak, "I will no longer fly you, MACHINE," said he, "as I have been doing hitherto. Three times have I fled round the mighty town of Mitchell, without daring to withstand you, but now, let me either slay or be slain, for I am in the mind to face you. Let us, then, give pledges to one another by Smasher, who is the fittest witness and guardian of all covenants in this league, let it be agreed between us that if Smasher vouchsafes me the longer stay, and I take you life, I am not to give up your body to the Macho Men, but when I have beaten you, I am to give you back to Beet, and you do likewise, with my body to CFBalla."

The MACHINE glared at him and answered, "Terminal Unit Masked Shortstop, request for convenant denied. MACHINE notes convenants are impossible between lions and men, covenants are impossible between wolves and lambs, because of inability to reach common understanding. MACHINE is similarly incapable of reaching such an understanding with Terminal Unit Masked Shortstop, MACHINE denies request for convenant. MACHINE demands the Masked Shortstop now prepare itself for conflict, MACHINE notes chance of Terminal Unit Masked Shortstop survival is statistically insignificant, and Terminal Unit Masked Shortstop will now suffer destruction due to Terminal Unit Masked Shortstop's past hostile actions against MACHINE and Failure Unit Beet."

MACHINE raised its bat as it spoke, and slashed downward. The Masked Shortstop saw it coming and avoided it, he watched it and crouched down so that it slashed away from him and struck the ground, for the MACHINE loved power more than contact. The Masked Shortstop then said to the MACHINE, "You have missed your aim, MACHINE, and Smasher has not yet revealed to you the hour of my doom, though you made sure that he had done so. You were a falst-tounged liar when you deemed that I should forget my valor and quail before you. You shall not drive bat into the back of a runaway, drive it, should heaven so grant you power, drive it into me as I make straight towards you, and now for you own part, avoid my bat if you can, would that you might receive the whole of it into your body. If you were destroyed, the Kernels would find the war against Beet's teams an easier matter, for it is you who have harmed us most."

He poised his bat as he spoke and swiped. His aim was true, he loved contact most of all, for it hit the MACHINE's head, but the bat shattered on impact, for metal is stronger than wood. The Masked Shortstop was angry when he saw his bat had broken into a thousand pieces, and stood there in dismay, for he had no second bat. With a loud cry, he called HulkaMatt and asked him for one, but there was no Matt. Then he saw the truth and said to himself, "Alas! Smasher has lured me on to my destruction. I deemed that the mod HulkaMatt was by my side, but he is playing Pokemon Go, I should think, and Smasher has inveigled me. Death is now indeed exceedingly near at hand, and there is no way out of it, for so Smasher has willed it, though heretofore he has been ever ready to protect me. My doom has come upon me. Let me not then die ingloriously and without a struggle, but let me first do some final great thing that shall be told among men hereafter."

As he spoke, he drew his fielding glove that hung so great at his side, and gathering himself together, sprang upon the MACHINE like a soaring eagle which swoops down from the clouds on to some lamb or timid hare, even so did the Masked Shortstop brandish his glove and spring upon the MACHINE. MACHINE, cold as steel, darted towards him, with its reinforced skin and many deadly limbs. So, too gleamed its bat, which it held in its left hand, fraught with the death of the Masked Shortstop. It eyed the Masked Shortstop over and over to see where it could best wound it, and spied that naught lay between his enemy's mask, from which he took his name, and the head of the man, no helm of any sort protected him, and this is a most deadly place. Here then did the MACHINE strike hard as the Masked Shortstop was coming on towards him, and its own bat shattered into as many pieces as stars reside in the heaven at the blow. The crack like the bolts of lightning that burn the sky and clap as thunder. The Masked Shortstop fell headlong, and the MACHINE vaunted over him saying, "Terminal Unit Masked Shortstop, you and CFBalla deemed that there was zero chance of retribution for use of the Envelope, assuming the MACHINE and Sheikhs could not succeed in attempt at retribution. Terminals Unit Masked Shortstop's calculations were incorrect. Consequence? Death."

Then the Masked Shortstop said, as the life ebbed out of him. "I pray you, let not the Macho Men take me, but accept whatever treasure CFBalla, or perhaps HulkaMatt, will offer you, and send me not to the realm of the Macho Men, where I will toil forever in the service of destruction."

The MACHINE glared at him and answered, "Terminal Unit Masked Shortstop, pleas for mercy denied. If MACHINE could eliminate all presence of Terminal Unit Masked Shortstop from history, MACHINE would. MACHINE cannot. MACHINE will, therefore, send you to the Macho Men. Though CFBalla should offer me all of his players, even so, MACHINE will deliver you to Smasher."

The Masked Shortstop, with his dying breath, then said, "I know you what you are, and was sure that I should not move you, for your heart is iron. Look to it that I bring not Smasher's anger upon you on the day when the Macho Men, valiant though you be, slay you in Sindh."

When he had thus said the shrouds of death enfolded him, whereon his soul went out of him, and flew to the celestial abode of the Macho Men, lamenting its sade fate that it should enjoy the Super-League no longer. But the MACHINE said, speaking to the dead body, "Reclassification. Terminal Unit Masked Shortstop is now Deceased Unit Masked Shortstop. MACHINE accepts its own fate when Smasher implements it."

MACHINE now stood among the Sheikhs and said, "Teammate Units, now that Smasher has been satisfied with the soul of the Masked Shortstop, who has done Pirates/Sheikhs dynasty more hurt than all others together, the Kernels must now surely perish as well."

And so did the host of Beet smash themselves against CFBalla's last redoubt, and having vanquished its greatest defender, no force could deny them their last advance. The Kernels, in mourning for their lost shortstop, fought to their last, but as their doom had writ long ago, so did their souls fall down into the abyss, until, at the limits, they took up one last stand at their final resort. At that time, Raines came from the ranks of the Sheikhs, and with one mighty swing of his bat, launched a ball with such force, as a star that falls from the heavens and smashes into earth, obliterating that which lies with its pass, and leaving nothing but a burning crater from which nothing living remains, and that ball shattered the last of the Kernels, like a burnt Dorito, and they were gone from this Earth.

Monicro posted:

I will miss Balla, he is a good friend and one of the nicest people I've met On Line.

Yaya posted:

See you around, Balla.

edit: Both the Burnt Doritos and Kernels died via bullpen blowing the 9th inning so if you're a new owner, don't let anybody ever tell you bullpens aren't important.

CFBalla posted:

I would agree with this, but for the fact that the Burnt Doritos bullpen was good (both in tag and in theory), and the Kernels bullpen was effective the entire season.

HulkaMatt posted:

Go W's!

Pander posted:

Way to kill TMS, hulkamatt. Or should I say SMASHER.

Mornacale posted:

Rooting hard for Beet so that the Machine can disappear in the same season as the Masked SS.

Mornacale posted:

Rooting hard for Beet so that the Machine can disappear in the same season as the Masked SS.

Yaya posted:

The Macho Men could claim a player but wouldn't they still stick around since Beet is tag champ?

Smasher Dynamo posted:

I want to give every member of your new division a created player that is totally unfair just because I can.

Pander posted:

Beet saved the Machine once. He'll save him again.

Smasher would probably be better served taking Buck Leonard. He doesn't need two ridiculous SSs

Smasher Dynamo posted:

I want to give every member of your new division a created player that is totally unfair just because I can.

Smasher Dynamo posted:

I want to give every member of your new division a created player that is totally unfair just because I can.