The F Plus: Terrible Things Read with Enthusiam

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Tracula: Mar 26, 2010; PLEASE LEAVE

All instructions need to include the phrase "remember to pull back your foreskin"

# ? Jul 17, 2016 05:15

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# ? May 14, 2024 07:34

Forgall: Oct 16, 2012; by Azathoth

Tracula posted:

All instructions need to include the phrase "remember to pull back your foreskin"

Now I want them to cover Silent Hill wiki circumcision thing. Though it's just one crazy guy so maybe there's not enough varied material.

# ? Jul 17, 2016 09:22

mycelia: Apr 28, 2013; POWERFUL FUNGAL LORD

Forgall posted:

Now I want them to cover Silent Hill wiki circumcision thing. Though it's just one crazy guy so maybe there's not enough varied material.

There's a whole tag for 'focus on a single twit', so it's not too farfetched.

Also a bit late, but for most reprehensible, the dude from r/ecuse yourself who wants to kick his wife out but keep their baby because he doesn't want to pay child support gets my vote.

# ? Jul 17, 2016 10:40

UP THE BUM NO BABY: Sep 1, 2011; by Hand Knit

Yesterday I listened to the plushy fuckers episode for the very first time. It was awful, but holy poo poo at the end when they do the Lou Reads impression. Amazing.

# ? Jul 17, 2016 18:16

Guy Mann: Mar 28, 2016; by Lowtax

HEY

HEY

HEY

HEY

HEY

https://thefpl.us/episode/220

_{CHEESECAKE ARMPIT}

# ? Jul 17, 2016 20:05

Waffleman_: Jan 20, 2011; I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't wanna!!!

The new gold standard of the YEAH voice.

# ? Jul 17, 2016 21:59

ghost emoji: Mar 11, 2016; oooOooOOOooh

This episode is disgusting. I love it

# ? Jul 18, 2016 06:36

HMS Boromir: Jul 16, 2011; by Lowtax

I wish I had friend who is girl.

# ? Jul 18, 2016 15:10

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; "From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.; Buglord

I had assumed that Lemon would have bought https://armp.it and found something confusing

quote:

You just turned 52 and your belly fat is pressed against the side of an open casket. You delicately arrange the coffin's quilted taffeta around the deceased just like you've done every day for the last 27 years of your awful life. You waited for the last of the family to exit the chapel and pull the door shut before you started the delicate work of closing the lid on their loved one for the last time. And by delicate, you mean get that lid shut and locked as quickly and quietly as possible so you can get the hell out of here and go to lunch. There's another funeral at 12:30 across town and the funeral director over there is a huge rear end in a top hat when you're late.

You're good at your job, though. You almost never leave anything hanging out of the casket lid like those ladies who slam their gowns in car doors. You take pride in that, except for when you don't, and today you're a little distracted. The service you just sat through got you thinking about your craptastic life, the first set of kids you haven't seen in years, and your second set of kids who hate you.

This particular dead guy you're buttoning up died in his sleep. You can tell how most of them have died from the leftover expressions that sit faintly under the mortician's makeup. Car accidents have their own look (fear.) Suicides, too (relief.)

You like your job. Your mug has been the last thing a thousand or so people have seen before final darkness falls upon them for eternity or until they get exhumed or something. You know they can't see you but it is fun to pretend. You also don't know if you believe in their version of heaven or whatever they believed or whatever the guy giving the service wants you to believe.

Seriously. Your chubby rear end has sat through baptist, roman catholic, jewish, mormon, church of christ, southern baptist, humanist, etc. services. You've had plenty of time to decide which version of an after life to believe. To you, they're all a load of crap. You have your own theory.

The way you see it, life throws you buckets of poo poo. So, there you are. You're standing there and you're covered in poo poo and you just have to take it. There isn't a drat thing you can do*. Life! If death is nothing more than a black void where you fall asleep and don't dream, then that sounds like a pretty good deal since you just spent 60 odd years covered in poo poo. And, hey, if there's some concept of heaven, then bonus, right?

Here you are. You're standing over this man who might be in heaven or he might just be dead. Either way this guy and the thousand or so people you dropped lids on before are finally free of all this nonsense. Sure, you're a little envious but at the same time you are happy for them, these strangers. You can't help it. A wave of emotion comes over you like a soft pink blanket and you lean in close and "BOOP!" them right on the nose.

A friendly little "BOOP!" with a smile and like a machine you drop the lid and lock it tight in one fluid motion.

You swing around and there she is. The niece is standing 10 paces away, wet eyes, big calves, red nose, tissue in one hand and something in her other hand she probably forgot to leave inside the casket.

Time slows to a crawl.

She's frozen. Blood rushes to your fingers. Your head feels light, your hands fall like stones.

There's this look on her face that you can't quite place. You're paralyzed and busted but she isn't paralyzed and you realize the look on her face is a distorted combination of two emotions. As the sadness fades, relief (see suicide) rushes over her and she doubles over in a fit of post sobbing laughter that you haven't heard since that day your ex realized she didn't have to stay.

# ? Jul 18, 2016 20:34

Invisible Ted: Aug 24, 2011; hhhehehe

I think that's where David Foster Wallace dumped all his drunk manuscript drafts.

# ? Jul 19, 2016 03:15

I Before E: Jul 2, 2012

Improbable Lobster posted:

I had assumed that Lemon would have bought https://armp.it and found something confusing

I too have seen Six Feet Under.

# ? Jul 19, 2016 04:51

KirbyKhan: Mar 20, 2009; Soiled Meat

New Lou Reads is up. Its about Aliens!

# ? Jul 19, 2016 17:59

Sham bam bamina!: Nov 6, 2012; ƨtupid cat

How is it that Lou hadn't done an alien episode before? It's such an obvious topic that I assumed this was at least his second, but the closest he'd been was guesting on that F+ episode.

Also, how is it that people who are into UFOs and New Age poo poo are consistently so friggin' terrible at basic written communication? Is it possible to not be fluent in your own mother tongue?

# ? Jul 20, 2016 00:25

A Meat: Jun 28, 2013; CERTIFIED FRESH AS HELL DOC MAKER

Sham bam bamina! posted:

Also, how is it that people who are into UFOs and New Age poo poo are consistently so friggin' terrible at basic written communication? Is it possible to not be fluent in your own mother tongue?

Schizophrenia explains some, people with schizophrenia have trouble organizing their thoughts

# ? Jul 20, 2016 08:19

Cleretic: Feb 3, 2010; Can't post for 3 days!

So for those of you who don't go to BaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAllllpit, there were technical issues in the recording of an episode on My Masturbation, a website perhaps more disgusting than Sissykiss. Lemon considered the recording unsalvageable (about an hour of Nutshell's recording is just not there), but because the content was simultaneously too good not to work with and too terrible to get more people to read it, he threw the raw files up for whoever wanted to have a shot at making something.

Djeser apparently made a really solid one-hour episode that just edits around Nutshell entirely. But I had a different idea.

I'm gonna be honest, it's a :nms:

website that's hard to listen to. So I removed all of the actual readings.

# ? Jul 20, 2016 14:45

Djeser: Mar 22, 2013; it's crow time again

Yep, Lemon's got the final cut of the episode, so it'll be up whenever he posts it.

# ? Jul 20, 2016 14:51

YeahTubaMike: Mar 24, 2005; *hic* Gotta finish thish . . .; Doctor Rope

Guy Mann posted:

HEY

HEY

HEY

HEY

HEY

https://thefpl.us/episode/220

_{CHEESECAKE ARMPIT}

Kumquatxop is a treasure. :allears:

# ? Jul 20, 2016 14:57

Wrestlepig: Feb 25, 2011; my mum says im cool; Toilet Rascal

Cleretic posted:

So for those of you who don't go to BaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAllllpit, there were technical issues in the recording of an episode on My Masturbation, a website perhaps more disgusting than Sissykiss. Lemon considered the recording unsalvageable (about an hour of Nutshell's recording is just not there), but because the content was simultaneously too good not to work with and too terrible to get more people to read it, he threw the raw files up for whoever wanted to have a shot at making something.

Djeser apparently made a really solid one-hour episode that just edits around Nutshell entirely. But I had a different idea.

I'm gonna be honest, it's a website that's hard to listen to. So I removed all of the actual readings.

This episode is going to be gross as gently caress. I want to count the times they say the word mum.

# ? Jul 20, 2016 22:27

HoboTech: Feb 13, 2005; Reading this with the voice in your skull.

chaos rhames posted:

This episode is going to be gross as gently caress. I want to count the times they say the word mum.

"My ~~~mother~~~"

# ? Jul 21, 2016 14:08

Wrestlepig: Feb 25, 2011; my mum says im cool; Toilet Rascal

Mum's a more british way of saying it so I'm expecting a majority.

# ? Jul 21, 2016 16:08

HoboTech: Feb 13, 2005; Reading this with the voice in your skull.

chaos rhames posted:

Mum's a more british way of saying it so I'm expecting a majority.

Oh I know, but I listened to the plushie-fucker episode yesterday and Lemon's "~mother~" pronunciation always stands out in my mind.

Also, I wish Portal of Evil was still around. I'm sure they could make one hell of an episode covering what was essentially the birthplace of all of this.

HoboTech fucked around with this message at 17:38 on Jul 21, 2016

# ? Jul 21, 2016 17:35

Sitting Here: Dec 31, 2007

The rescued episode is up! "Thanks" djeser

# ? Jul 21, 2016 19:24

my girlfriend is Legos: Apr 24, 2013

A poster named 'Pig Pen' who jerks off with mud or something... didn't they read someone with that username on the squatter forum?

EDIT: Oh, that's apparently the English name for Lortis in Peanuts.

# ? Jul 21, 2016 22:41

The Vosgian Beast: Aug 13, 2011; Business is slow

Ag Bengip posted:

A poster named 'Pig Pen' who jerks off with mud or something... didn't they read someone with that username on the squatter forum?

EDIT: Oh, that's apparently the English name for Lortis in Peanuts.

Wait wait wait, hold the phone

Where the gently caress is Pig Pen called Lortis? WHY is he called Lortis?

# ? Jul 21, 2016 23:37

510rems: Mar 26, 2010

Ag Bengip posted:

EDIT: Oh, that's apparently the English name for Lortis in Peanuts.

I've listened to each episode at least 3 or 4 times, but THIS is the most hosed up thing I've ever heard.

# ? Jul 21, 2016 23:44

Waffleman_: Jan 20, 2011; I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't wanna!!!

The Vosgian Beast posted:

Wait wait wait, hold the phone

Where the gently caress is Pig Pen called Lortis? WHY is he called Lortis?

Sweden, apparently!

https://sv.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snobben

# ? Jul 21, 2016 23:48

Djeser: Mar 22, 2013; it's crow time again

Sitting Here posted:

The rescued episode is up! "Thanks" djeser

You're "welcome" :smugmrgw:

# ? Jul 22, 2016 00:43

The Gillman: Jul 8, 2004; Beaten with a sack of sweet Valencia oranges; Grimey Drawer

Djeser posted:

You're "welcome"

Wel'cum'

# ? Jul 22, 2016 01:01

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

Djeser posted:

You're "welcome"

Only God forgives, Djeser.

# ? Jul 22, 2016 03:44

KirbyKhan: Mar 20, 2009; Soiled Meat

Djeser posted:

You're "welcome"

It needed to get out. It couldnt have been recreated.

# ? Jul 22, 2016 04:05

Midnight Voyager: Jul 2, 2008; Lipstick Apathy

What the gently caress is happening in my ears

# ? Jul 22, 2016 06:42

Driya: Feb 16, 2011

This is the worst birthday present

# ? Jul 22, 2016 06:58

my girlfriend is Legos: Apr 24, 2013

The Vosgian Beast posted:

Wait wait wait, hold the phone

Where the gently caress is Pig Pen called Lortis? WHY is he called Lortis?

'Lort' is a slightly archaic word meaning 'filth' or even 'feces'. The '-is' suffix has been used to create slang nouns and nicknames since at least the 19th century because Swedish people thought Latin was cool. I guess it's about equivalent to '-y' in English.

# ? Jul 22, 2016 07:28

SplitSoul: Dec 31, 2000

It works even better in Danish where those words, lort + tis, literally mean "Shitpiss". The comic is called "The Radishes" here.

# ? Jul 22, 2016 12:41

my girlfriend is Legos: Apr 24, 2013

That title makes sense because in Denmark they eat radishes as beer snacks

# ? Jul 22, 2016 13:04

Arrhythmia: Jul 22, 2011

Holy poo poo at the apple story.

# ? Jul 22, 2016 16:22

Sham bam bamina!: Nov 6, 2012; ƨtupid cat

In hindsight, Nutshell couldn't have picked a better episode to disappear from than one where she repeatedly jokes about backing out.

Edit: Which episode had the jacuzzi jet enema? I couldn't think of anything else during Lemon's final reading.

Sham bam bamina! fucked around with this message at 23:56 on Jul 22, 2016

# ? Jul 22, 2016 23:51

The Sin of Onan: Oct 11, 2012; And below,
watched by eyes of steel
we dreamt

Sham bam bamina! posted:

In hindsight, Nutshell couldn't have picked a better episode to disappear from than one where she repeatedly jokes about backing out.

Edit: Which episode had the jacuzzi jet enema? I couldn't think of anything else during Lemon's final reading.

It was one of the WikiHow episodes. Number 4, I think?

# ? Jul 23, 2016 00:09

Sham bam bamina!: Nov 6, 2012; ƨtupid cat

That sounds about right, thanks. I didn't see anything in the docs, so I'll just listen to 4 and 5 back-to-back when I have the time. As if I needed an excuse.

# ? Jul 23, 2016 00:20

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# ? May 14, 2024 07:34

pulp rag: Feb 25, 2013; AGDQ 2018 Awful Block Survivor

It's always a good time to listen to the WikiHow episodes.

# ? Jul 23, 2016 00:30

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