shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

Zelder posted:

Inter gender MMA, now there's a good idea

It's been done.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 02:40

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# ? May 11, 2024 17:11

MonoAus: Nov 5, 2012

To be honest I don't know if this qualifies as STDH, seeing that the people posting these stories actually think they're true.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/

I guess its sort of along the same lines as the troper tales.

quote:

Something happening out on my farm (self.Glitch_in_the_Matrix)
submitted 13 hours ago by royboyblue
I use the term "farm" loosely. Its a house on a chunk of land, with a pond and some ducks and chickens... ANYWAYS. I work outside alot so I know the lay of the land so to speak. Lately ive been noticing a weird humming noise that seems to be coming from the earth itself... like literally coming from the air just above the ground. I was out over the weekend building a chicken coop. I decided to walk down the hill to get some firewood. I turned around, took two steps and was at the bottom of the hill.
The concerning thing is that this is a distance of over 100 yards... I literally blinked and was there... I walked back very slowly and tried to focus on what happened... thats when the humming noise was most noticeable. Its almost like I walked through it and lost all sense of time and direction. A methane leak? Magnetics? I legit freaked out. My dog doesnt like walking through the area, nor do the chickens.
I dont know if this even belongs in this sub... I just needed to tell someone ha

Later on he explains he's been hit by lightning a few weeks ago.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 03:24

WrenP-Complete: Jul 27, 2012

Same source as MonoAus
https://www.reddit.com/r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/

redditor posted:

I guess this is all about the power of suggestion.
Years ago, my buddy and I went to a local Hobby Lobby in the hopes of finding some cool little knick knacks to buy. We found this really thin, clear, glass egg with a smaller glass egg fixed in the middle of it. Both eggs had tubes leading to them, so you could put two different kinds of liquid in each one and make it look like they were separated. I have no idea what the hell it was conventionally used for, but it looked neat so we bought it.
Anyway, we're checking it out when we get home, and we tried putting water and different food colorings in both eggs, in the hopes of making some type of cool optical illusion, or seeing if we could make it appear to be some kind of venn diagram. In the process, he's holding it up to the window right over the kitchen sink, letting the sun shine through it. Before we know it, he loses his grip, and it falls about three feet into a completely loaded sink of dirty dishes. Coffee mugs, silverware, pots, and whatever else, just generally hard debris.
This thing loving shattered. Blew up. Pieces everywhere. The sound of crushing glass. It was busted, just wasted like ten bucks on this cheap piece of glass, all for it to smash into a million pieces.
But after the initial moment of shock and a blink of our eyes, we see that this thing is...still...entirely...intact, and without a single scratch on it. We're both completely convinced that we saw this thing break, but then obviously have to discredit ourselves, because sure as poo poo, he still has it sitting on his shelf. That's how powerful suggestion can be. We were entirely certain it would break, so that's exactly what we saw and heard in that brief fleeting moment, before we got hit with reality.
TL;DR, glass egg broke...then glass egg wasn't broke.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 03:54

MonoAus: Nov 5, 2012

I predicted the future posted:

This happened about 10+ years ago while I was in High School. I had a party at my house and invited all my friends. That night i barely drank because I had to watch the party and make sure people didnt get too rowdy.
As the night progresses, a buddy of mine asks me if i want to smoke a blunt with him. I turn him down, as it would require me to leave the party unattended and go outside for a bit. So he goes outside to smoke with some friends.
The party ended around 1am, and after everyone left I cleaned up and went to sleep. The entire night I maybe had 1-2 drinks, so I wasnt drunk. Here's where it gets odd.
That night i had a dream. And in that dream I walk outside and in my mothers garden. In the garden theres a flower pot. I kneel down and pickup a half smoked blunt next to the flower pot.
As i pickup the blunt, i wake up to my phone ringing. It was my friend who smoked that night. He told me he had lost the half smoked blunt (he thought he lost it inside the house) and warned me that it might be lying around somewhere. He was concerned my mom might find it.
I hung up the phone and went to the garden. Next to the flower pot was the half smoked blunt just like in my dream. Keep in mind i hadnt been drinking, nor did i accompany my friend outside when he invited me to smoke. That dream was frighting and amazing. Ive never had another one like it.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 04:15

Zulily Zoetrope: Jun 1, 2011; Muldoon

Non Serviam posted:

You're trying to conclude that the idiot is a misogynist simply because (in his fantasy) he is mad because his best friend ended up dating a girl he likes?

People can have issues with someone, even if they're wrong for having them, without you needing to go into a ridiculous tangent of hate against women.

Good that it didn't happen though.

Anyone, who is "infatuated" with a woman for three years but develops a frothing hatred as soon as she sleeps with someone who isn't him, did not have a healthy relationship with them in the first place. That is a very typical Nice Guy story, and it's super lovely when someone you thought was a friend cuts off all ties and calls you a bitch and a manipulative whore because you got a new boyfriend.

Like the guy explicitly said he had a poo poo-throwing tantrum and ended his best friendship over it. I have no idea what you think I'm reading into, because it's right there in the text.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 07:04

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

That sounds like a pretty mediocre party.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 08:02

Quid: Jul 19, 2006

System Metternich posted:

wow, a single run-on sentence and not a single punctuation mark in sight

Oh, you like run-on sentences? Have another,

# ? Aug 2, 2016 08:31

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Kajeesus posted:

Anyone, who is "infatuated" with a woman for three years but develops a frothing hatred as soon as she sleeps with someone who isn't him, did not have a healthy relationship with them in the first place. That is a very typical Nice Guy story, and it's super lovely when someone you thought was a friend cuts off all ties and calls you a bitch and a manipulative whore because you got a new boyfriend.

Like the guy explicitly said he had a poo poo-throwing tantrum and ended his best friendship over it. I have no idea what you think I'm reading into, because it's right there in the text.

Just wait until his new bestie gets married.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 08:59

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

VioletCorsica posted:

Same source as MonoAus
https://www.reddit.com/r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/

This is such an incredible subreddit for this thread. It looks like most of them are "I was mistaken about something. Are we sure reality didn't just break and I was right all along?"

# ? Aug 2, 2016 13:28

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Quid posted:

Oh, you like run-on sentences? Have another,

It often sounds like these people encounter demented elderly patients who are shocked by everything

# ? Aug 2, 2016 13:45

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Uh that reddit clearly says (emphasis theirs)

quote:

This is a place to share true stories of weird coincidences, synchronicities and unexplained odd events that have happened to you.

quote:

THE RULES

1 - Please do not post fictional stories here!

What more do you people need?!

E:

:lol:

quote:

r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix

My clothes keep duplicating

u/Proprobro8h

A little backstory about me. I'm a male 23 year old who lives with his parents, brother and grandmother. The washing, putting away of clothes etc is done by my mom.

One day I noticed that one of my favourite pair of pants was missing. Black sweatpants with cuffed ankles that were the comfiest pair of pants to wear. At first I thought my mom had placed it in one of the other wardrobes in the house or was hidden away by my grandma who seems to move items into seemingly strange places due to her dementia. After about a month of searching I thought the pants were a goner - alas I was wrong. As it turns out, I found the pair in the boot of my car buried under bags and other items that i kept hoarded in the back of my car. When I placed it back in my wardrobe for a split second I was confused. An exact pair of the same pants was in my wardrobe. I don't recall ever buying a second pair nor did I recall ever picking someone elses pair up from a party, nor does anyone else in the house wear these same kind of pants. I didn't think much of it at the time as I was more happy at the fact that I had a second pair of my favourite pants. After a month however, another item of clothing went missing - a denim button up shirt. Again after about a month of searching the shirt popped up in my closet...twice. The first time I saw it I assumed my mom had finally found the shirt (there are 3 bathrooms with 3 seperate laundry bins in my house) and after questioning her this theory turned out to be correct. However, that day when I arrived home, threw the shirt in the laundry bin, showered and came back to my room, the exact same shirt was there. I questioned my mum about it and she recalls only cleaning one (albeit there are a lot of clothes my mum cleans and sometimes gets my grandma to help out as it helps give her a bit of structure with her illness). This however hasn't stopped there. In the past two years I've had socks, a t-shirt, a jumper and a pair of underwear duplicate with each time just as perplexing as the last. I have a coat that has been currently missing for the past year (I might have genuinely lost that one) and am totally perplexed as to whats been going on.

One of the comments :

quote:

Maybe you should buy some of Hillary 20000 dollar pant suits.

Fathis Munk has a new favorite as of 15:13 on Aug 2, 2016

# ? Aug 2, 2016 15:10

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Anonymous Confession thread in GBS posted:

I like to go on hunting trips a lot. Just me, my rifle, and the woods. I love it.

I had a favorite place to go, because there was never anyone else up there. I could camp out, hike, and hunt for a week and never see any signs of other humans. It's a rare thing to find a place like that in North America these days, and I really cherished it.

I had taken a week off from work and gone out and set up camp, when for the first time I saw other people in my woods. It was on my second day out there that I found a beer bottle on the ground, and saw a trail left by them, and I followed it. They had set up camp next to a creek, looked to me like a bunch of teenagers. Loud ones, playing bad music and drinking bad beer. Not the kind of person I would willingly allow in my woods.

Needless to say, I resolved to Scooby Doo the poo poo out of them. I read a lot of /k/, and there's a kind of running joke about "skinwalkers", where people make up stories about these things that kind of look like bad imitations of men, and I figured I'd pretend to be one of them. My first inclination was to pretend to be a bigfoot but bigfoots are too well known and not particularly scary anyway so skinwalking was what I settled on.

So I go back to my camp and leave all my poo poo there. I strip down nude(it was summer, thankfully) except for my sheath with my hunting knife in it, and I roll around in the mud and get all kinds of filthy. Then I creep back over to the enemy camp and I observe(and I bring a little surprise for them for later). It's dark by now, and they've put up their tents and poo poo and gotten a half-assed fire pit going. I say half-assed, loving Smokey would have poo poo himself with rage, that thing loving sucked. It only strengthened my resolve to get these fuckos out of my woods before they burnt it down. I spend an hour or so just listening, and memorizing a couple of things they said so I can repeat them when I get down to proper skinwalking. By this time they've gotten sleepy, and a most of them decide to go in for the night.

This is when I start it. I put on the croakiest, weirdest sounding voice I can manage, and start shouting back phrases that they said earlier in the night. The ones that are still up are confused at first, then they get annoyed. At first I think I hosed it up, and they know I'm just some douchebag calling out weird poo poo in the woods, but then I recognize the opportunity. I keep it up, and call more frequently, and eventually the two guys that are still up come plodding into the trees to try and find me.

I avoid them, which isn't too hard because they're a bit drunk and stupid besides, and I deploy my surprise. The head of a wild hog I'd managed to bring down the previous day, dropped right in the middle of their fire pit. Smokey would have been proud, I think, because I can't stress to you how lovely that firepit was. Holy gently caress, they'd put like 2 rocks on either side of it and dug down like an inch. It was surrounded with dry summer grass, too. loving hell.

Anyway, I had honestly expected that I would have had to do more work, and I had some other stuff planned, but as soon as they came back and saw the hog head they pretty much poo poo themselves. They went around yelling and woke everyone up and they had their poo poo packed and out of there that night. To be honest I don't actually know where they went, this place was pretty secluded and there weren't any roads nearby or anything. They didn't strike me as being experienced so they may very well have just bumbled off into the woods and been eaten by bears. I wouldn't feel bad if that were the case because they were liable to have set themselves on fire had I not chased them off. I never saw them again, anyway.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 16:19

hallo spacedog: Apr 3, 2007; this chaos is killing me
💫🐕🔪😱😱

I could believe that happened but only in the sense of some bitter rear end in a top hat mad that kids were having fun so decided to rain on their parade, not in a scary way.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 18:57

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

hallo spacedog posted:

I could believe that happened but only in the sense of some bitter rear end in a top hat mad that kids were having fun so decided to rain on their parade, not in a scary way.

Did you miss the part where he rolled around in mud and did nothing further with it, and just happened to have a severed boar head to chuck into their fire

# ? Aug 2, 2016 19:01

hallo spacedog: Apr 3, 2007; this chaos is killing me
💫🐕🔪😱😱

bradzilla posted:

Did you miss the part where he rolled around in mud and did nothing further with it, and just happened to have a severed boar head to chuck into their fire

I mean there was that gbs pig killer guy so I don't even know anymore. I'm just gonna assume it was him.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 19:23

Syrian Lannister: Aug 25, 2007; Oh, did I kill him too?
I've been a very busy little man.; Sugartime Jones

hallo spacedog posted:

I mean there was that gbs pig killer guy so I don't even know anymore. I'm just gonna assume it was him.

Was he gbs or tfr?

I remember watching his drone videos launching roman candles, until youtube pulled them for copyrighted music.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 21:45

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

hallo spacedog posted:

I mean there was that gbs pig killer guy so I don't even know anymore. I'm just gonna assume it was him.

Imagine if he had dropped a pumpkin on their fire instead.

# ? Aug 2, 2016 22:11

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

chitoryu12 posted:

Imagine if he had dropped a pumpkin on their fire instead.

*puckin

# ? Aug 2, 2016 22:26

ghost emoji: Mar 11, 2016; oooOooOOOooh

# ? Aug 3, 2016 01:20

Tracula: Mar 26, 2010; PLEASE LEAVE

Holy gently caress movie tickets are expensive. Thank God the Marcus theater here has five dollar movies all day Tuesday.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 01:24

GoGoGadgetChris: Mar 18, 2010; i powder a
granite monument
in a soundless flash

showering the grass
with molten drops of
its gold inlay

sending smoking
chips of stone
skipping into the fog

Hnnngggh this thread makes me... legitimately angry. Why did I just read 10 pages of it?

Why do you people do this? This is horrible for your soul

# ? Aug 3, 2016 01:39

Aphrodite: Jun 27, 2006

Tracula posted:

Holy gently caress movie tickets are expensive. Thank God the Marcus theater here has five dollar movies all day Tuesday.

That's a special premiere for a comedy festival.

They're usually $10-12 Canadian..

# ? Aug 3, 2016 04:14

Evelyn Nesbit: Jul 8, 2012

The only thing in the "my clothes keep duplicating" one that actually happened is that this guy is 23 and his mom still does his laundry.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:24

Henchman of Santa: Aug 21, 2010

GoGoGadgetChris posted:

Hnnngggh this thread makes me... legitimately angry. Why did I just read 10 pages of it?

Why do you people do this? This is horrible for your soul

I can only do it in small doses.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 05:30

Serperoth: Feb 21, 2013

Aphrodite posted:

That's a special premiere for a comedy festival.

I don't get it. The film is Sausage Party, what's the connection?

:downsrim:

# ? Aug 3, 2016 08:16

Cat Hassler: Feb 7, 2006; Slippery Tilde

GoGoGadgetChris posted:

Hnnngggh this thread makes me... legitimately angry. Why did I just read 10 pages of it?

Why do you people do this? This is horrible for your soul

I have this bookmarked and I don't know why. When I see a post by Khazar-Khum with Troper Tales quotes I know I should not read it but I can't help myself. It's like having a canker sore and chewing on it.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 08:35

Teriyaki Hairpiece: Dec 29, 2006; I'm nae the voice o' the darkened thistle, but th' darkened thistle cannae bear the sight o' our Bonnie Prince Bernie nae mair.

I don't read the troper tales quotes, but I do read the rest, so my anger doesn't reach that high of a level.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 10:03

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

A Tumblr post that I saw today:

quote:

list of bullshit i pulled in high school

My yearbook photo was a picture of some random baby off of Google I photoshopped my 17 year-old self�s head onto. It made it in.

Slipped a video titled �hot busty lesbian porn� into the personal folders of everyone in my computer class, which after they all crowded around to see what it was, turned out to be the video for Never Gonna Give You Up (it was 2007, so not yet a worn out joke). Thanks to them (like idiots) deciding to swarm a computer with sound, the computer lab filled up with cheesy �80s pop and the sound of me laughing so hard I ended up on the floor clutching my stomach.

Figured out that the school board internet filters blocked based on words and URLs, so I bypassed them simply by pinging their IP addresses, giving me free reign to Youtube and wherever else I felt like going to. I abused this power, and the fact I luckily had one of the computers with built-in speakers, to blast copious amounts of death metal all class.

Formed an air band called Minotaur Lizards whose career peak was �playing� a montage of classic rock songs during a school presentation.

Acted out the mock trial that made up the final for our senior year Law class as head prosecutor, wearing no shoes, no socks, a Dead Kennedys t-shirt, and shorts. Somehow got 10/10 for �appropriateness of dress� by being so utterly wrong that the teacher considered me to have looped back around.

Made sure that the yearbook contained the words �Harry Potter erotica�, and nobody realized until it had already gone to print.

Did accounting for some of the pot dealers in my year and ended up taking a good cash bonus home after my suggested �baked sale� hit it big.

Managed to get out of gym class the last two years on the promise to teachers that if I kept a friend, who was in a wheelchair and one of the above-mentioned dealers, occupied and out of trouble, I could skimp on doing class for non-test days and eke out a 75%.

Turned in so many bullshit essays and �I was bored on this vocabulary test so I write it all in haiku� results that teachers would be disappointed if I turned in �normal effort� work.

Found out someone I really disliked hated my laugh, and dialed up how totally hilarious I found Cool Runnings so much that my laughter got him into a hissy fit that ended with his suspension.

Figured out the school�s weak exits where one could slip through without being noticed, and began selling this information to people once our school cut its truancy officer for budget reasons.

Managed to send through enough filthily-worded Valentine�s Day candygrams with the help of a friend on the inside that there were no candygrams the next year.

Did most of my work for my last year on a single piece of paper I�d just fold up and stick back in my pocket out of general laziness and my lack of need for notes. Math teacher kept poking fun at it, which led to an escalating war of attrition that ended when I handed in a test written on a corn tortilla.

Was voted Most Unique in what is most certainly the last flattering time that award was given in the school�s history

# ? Aug 3, 2016 13:46

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

chitoryu12 posted:

A Tumblr post that I saw today:

And now he's the IK of YOSPOS.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 13:53

Jonas Albrecht: Jun 7, 2012

chitoryu12 posted:

A Tumblr post that I saw today:

I feel like, if a person has to invent this much "badassery" to make themselves seem cool, I should just go with it.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 14:02

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

Just out of curiosity: do kids these days not know what pinging is?

# ? Aug 3, 2016 14:05

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

I think there's a lot this guy doesn't know about a lot of things. Like life in general and how to make up believable stories.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 14:21

cash crab: Apr 5, 2015; all the time i am eating from the trashcan. the name of this trashcan is ideology

chitoryu12 posted:

A Tumblr post that I saw today:

quote:

Was voted Most Unique

Therein lies the OP's truest wish; to be acknowledged as special

# ? Aug 3, 2016 14:34

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

My favorite part is that apparently the teachers all just went along with everything and kept loving him and giving him passing grades when he did poo poo that, in real life, would make their jobs miserable.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 15:04

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

chitoryu12 posted:

My favorite part is that apparently the teachers all just went along with everything and kept loving him and giving him passing grades when he did poo poo that, in real life, would make their jobs miserable.

poo poo that doesn't happen: teachers who aren't miserable anyway all the time.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 15:14

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Jerry Cotton posted:

poo poo that doesn't happen: teachers who aren't miserable anyway all the time.

My Astronomy teacher was almost always in a good mood, but that's probably because he's a mega nerd who finds teaching about science to be incredibly fun. He would always get really giddy when talking about his personal projects. Like once he hooked up an electronically controlled telescope to a laptop and rigged up a PS2 controller to remotely turn it, and used this ghetto setup to take photographs (through screenshots on the laptop) of the ISS as it passed overhead.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 15:39

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

chitoryu12 posted:

My Astronomy teacher was almost always in a good mood, but that's probably because he's a mega nerd who finds teaching about science to be incredibly fun. He would always get really giddy when talking about his personal projects. Like once he hooked up an electronically controlled telescope to a laptop and rigged up a PS2 controller to remotely turn it, and used this ghetto setup to take photographs (through screenshots on the laptop) of the ISS as it passed overhead.

Sweet, which site did this quote come from

# ? Aug 3, 2016 15:51

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

chitoryu12 posted:

My Astronomy teacher was almost always in a good mood, but that's probably because he's a mega nerd who finds teaching about science to be incredibly fun. He would always get really giddy when talking about his personal projects. Like once he hooked up an electronically controlled telescope to a laptop and rigged up a PS2 controller to remotely turn it, and used this ghetto setup to take photographs (through screenshots on the laptop) of the ISS as it passed overhead.

We didn't have astronomy in school

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:15

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

chitoryu12 posted:

A Tumblr post that I saw today:

I wondered what it would have been like growing up in a late 90's, early 00's school sitcom

# ? Aug 3, 2016 20:42

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# ? May 11, 2024 17:11

Henchman of Santa: Aug 21, 2010

chitoryu12 posted:

A Tumblr post that I saw today:

Had the word "homo" instead of a mouth

# ? Aug 4, 2016 04:10

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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