"Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > "Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

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mind the walrus: Sep 22, 2006

Nia Jax I can see. Lena Dunham is ugly inside and out. Still it's nice to know there's someone for everyone. Her and Jagister make a certain kind of sense tbqh. Not that I should be one to talk.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 09:08

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# ? May 9, 2024 23:10

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

Back before she became FYAD famous, Nessa posted a pic or two in some YYLS WAYWT thread and was hecka cute. Totally my kind of gal.

I don't post in FYAD, but did read the Good Art Goon thread(s), which featured her art and posts by her own boyfriend making fun of her.

Her art is fine, and she seems like a nice gal to do fun creative nerd poo poo with.

I like to think I'm a fairly normal dude and I don't think about this poo poo obsessively or anything, but I also sometimes think it'd be cool if she knew she was cute and also I unironically liked her magical girl webcomic.

wellp thats my story

quote:

Hello again I'm the guy who questionably masturbated to a camgirl playing Super Smash Bros. I never thought that I'd have to send another confession until last week when it got worse. I was watching the porn again browsing for stuff when I stumbled upon a video of loving literally Big Boss from Metal Gear Solid V with a dad bod going to town on a small asian girl with big tiddies. He had the messy hair, the ponytail, and the same eyepatch. I am very disturbed now and probably already a demon so I think I'll have to get used to this.

I didn't watch long since it wasn't even hot but events like these are probably what turned the hands-free guy into who he is today.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 10:03

ultrabindu: Jan 28, 2009

H.H posted:

quote:
Hello again I'm the guy who questionably masturbated to a camgirl playing Super Smash Bros. I never thought that I'd have to send another confession until last week when it got worse. I was watching the porn again browsing for stuff when I stumbled upon a video of loving literally Big Boss from Metal Gear Solid V with a dad bod going to town on a small asian girl with big tiddies. He had the messy hair, the ponytail, and the same eyepatch. I am very disturbed now and probably already a demon so I think I'll have to get used to this.

I didn't watch long since it wasn't even hot but events like these are probably what turned the hands-free guy into who he is today.

C'mon bruh, gimme something more.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 11:15

Curdy Lemonstan: Jan 25, 2012; by zen death robot

Lmao anonymous confession of video game porn? Thats nothing to be ashamed of in the grand scheme of things.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 11:38

rezatahs: Jun 9, 2001; by Smythe

Hedrigall posted:

Why would a pedo rape their mother? It doesn't make sense

welcome to iowa

# ? Aug 3, 2016 11:39

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Givin her the ol' Iowa Chop.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 12:55

Mr. 47: Jul 8, 2008; Well, I guess I'll just go fuck myself, then.

Jastiger posted:

Lena Dunham is hot.

This must be some usage of the word "hot" with which I was previously unaware.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 13:01

I. M. Gei: Jun 26, 2005; CHIEFS

BITCH

Hedrigall posted:

Why would a pedo rape their mother? It doesn't make sense

Duh. The mother is under 18.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 13:37

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

it finally happened: I'm so fat I can't masturbate because I can no longer reach my dick

kill me

quote:

I'm high-functioning autistic-- big loving shock here right?

The funny part is that I wasn't diagnosed until I was over 25. I've been a user on SA since before fiestacat. Of all the "soft signs" of autism that I and everyone around me missed, it was the fact that I regularly spent time on an internet community known for attracting autists for so many years that embarrasses me most.

quote:

not really a confession:

I wanna see the video of big boss plowing the asian girl with the big tiddies

please link

tia

# ? Aug 3, 2016 15:37

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

H.H posted:

it finally happened: I'm so fat I can't masturbate because I can no longer reach my dick

kill me

Yo, Jastiger, I found your email.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 15:48

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

That is probably the most crushing fate I can possibly imagine.

Jesus I hadn't even considered that was possible. Can you at least gently caress your fat flaps?

# ? Aug 3, 2016 15:51

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

gecafe probably couldn't reach his dick so he just hosed his rear end with a dildo until some of it fell out

# ? Aug 3, 2016 15:52

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

Was it one of these confessions (or just my personal life) where a fat dude couldn't reach his dick and he used to jack it by rubbing his thighs together to "massage" his buried junk.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 15:54

Tinestram: Jan 13, 2006; Excalibur? More like "Needle"; Grimey Drawer

Dear Fat Guy:

I wasn't quite that far gone, but I was once fat enough that I couldn't see my dick. For, like, 20 years. Then I lost weight, and seeing my dick again was one of the happiest moments of the journey. It was tough, but it was worth the effort. You can do it too! Don't give up.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:10

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

Fat guy, do keto. Seriously. I've already lost almost 40lbs since April, and you still get to eat bacon, butter, and even chickencheese!

Not kidding, do it. Easiest loving thing, zero exercise required.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:22

Jastiger: Oct 11, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Rupert Buttermilk posted:

Yo, Jastiger, I found your email.

Actually not mine but that is p funny.

therattle posted:

You should have made that anonymous

What? No. Nia Jax is hot as hell, those hips are fire. Definitely my type right there and I'm not afraid to say it un-anonymously

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:28

Stunt_enby: Feb 6, 2010; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Rupert Buttermilk posted:

Fat guy, do keto. Seriously. I've already lost almost 40lbs since April, and you still get to eat bacon, butter, and even chickencheese!

Not kidding, do it. Easiest loving thing, zero exercise required.

don't do this, this is actually a really bad idea

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:30

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

runupon cracker posted:

Dear Fat Guy:

I wasn't quite that far gone, but I was once fat enough that I couldn't see my dick. For, like, 20 years. Then I lost weight, and seeing my dick again was one of the happiest moments of the journey. It was tough, but it was worth the effort. You can do it too! Don't give up.

All like "hello old friend" :unsmith:

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:32

Unbelievably Fat Man: Jun 1, 2000; Innocent people. I could never hurt innocent people.

And then con a bunch of goons into building an illegal nightmare house out of mangosteen.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:38

Tinestram: Jan 13, 2006; Excalibur? More like "Needle"; Grimey Drawer

Or you could not completely change your diet and just cut back to be under your expenditure instead.

Do this:
1. calculate your adjusted BMR
2. subtract between 500 (for 1 pound per week) and 1000 (for 2 pounds per week) from that to be your target daily intake
3. track your intake (on sparkpeople.com or myfitnesspal.com or similar) and don't go over your target
4. repeat step 3 until your doctor says "that's enough" or you don't feel like poo poo (physically) all the time

A few other tips:
- add more fiber to your diet, it will help with the hunger
- don't get too excited about dropping 10 pounds your first week. It's going to slow down
- add more fiber to your diet, it keeps your bowels workin right
- when you DO go over, don't get too excited about gaining 5+ pounds the next day... it jumped up for the same reason it plummeted that first week
- add more fiber to your diet, it helps keep your body sugars regulated
- in general, don't beat yourself up over "failing" one day and end up quitting... tomorrow's another day, bro
- you should consider adding more fiber to your diet
- in general, try to eat "better" food if you can... no matter what poo poo you're eating now, you WILL lose weight if you keep under your target, but you'll also be getting fewer micronutrients. You don't want to end up getting sick because you're suddenly low on iron, so eating less junky food will help keep those micronutrients up.

edit:

loquacius posted:

All like "hello old friend"

It really was a lot like that.

Tinestram fucked around with this message at 16:45 on Aug 3, 2016

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:41

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

runupon cracker posted:

or you could not completely change your diet and just cut back to be under your expenditure instead

do this:
1. calculate your adjusted BMR
2. subtract between 500 (for 1 pound per week) and 1000 (for 2 pounds per week) from that to be your target daily intake
3. track your intake (on sparkpeople.com or myfitnesspal.com or similar) and don't go over your target
4. repeat step 3 until your doctor says "that's enough" or you don't feel like poo poo (physically) all the time

a few other tips:
- add more fiber to your diet, it will help with the hunger
- don't get too excited about dropping 10 pounds your first week. It's going to slow down
- add more fiber to your diet, it keeps your bowels workin right
- when you DO go over, don't get too excited about gaining 5+ pounds the next day... it jumped up for the same reason it plummeted that first week
- add more fiber to your diet, it helps keep your body sugars regulated
- in general, don't beat yourself up over "failing" one day and quitting... tomorrow's another day, bro
- you should consider adding more fiber to your diet
- in general, try to eat "better" food if you can... no matter what poo poo you're eating now, you WILL lose weight if you keep under your target, but you'll also be getting fewer micronutrients. You don't want to end up getting sick because you're suddenly low on iron, so eating less junky food will help keep those micronutrients up.

I'm thinking that if dude is fat enough that he can't see his own junk, 'adding more fibre' WILL actually be pretty much changing his whole diet. Anyway, I agree with all of what you've said, so hey

I like keto because it's pretty much caused me to cut out almost all sugars and carbs, which I really didn't need in the first place :shobon:

Having a lot of carbs regularly is what led to me (And a lot of people) feeling hungry. Now, if for whatever reason I skip a meal, I genuinely don't feel hungry. My body has become 'fat-adapted', and it's actually burning fat properly, instead of carbs slowing that process down. All I know is, I feel great, I'm nowhere near being at risk of getting diabetes, and have more energy.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:44

rezatahs: Jun 9, 2001; by Smythe

also lift a weight

a singular weight. just once. then post in the swole thread because you have now become swole

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:44

Zorodius: Feb 11, 2007; EA GAMES' MASTERPIECE 'MADDEN 2018 G.O.A.T. EDITION' IS A GLORIOUS TRIUMPH OF ART AND TECHNOLOGY. IT BRINGS GAMEDAY RIGHT TO THE PLAYER AND WHOEVER SAYS OTHERWISE CAN, YOU GUESSED IT...
SUCK THE SHIT STRAIGHT OUT OF MY OWN ASSHOLE.

BUY IT.

Protein is really helpful for weight loss.

If you eat sugar, you're hungry again in like an hour.

If you eat the same calorie amount in protein, it takes much longer before you're hungry again. And you feel less like poo poo while eating a calorie deficit.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:52

Jastiger: Oct 11, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Zorodius posted:

Protein is really helpful for weight loss.

If you eat sugar, you're hungry again in like an hour.

If you eat the same calorie amount in protein, it takes much longer before you're hungry again. And you feel less like poo poo while eating a calorie deficit.

Does that make you get fat tho if you eat the same amount of protein as you do sugar? Like you get too many calories even if they are "good" calories?

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:56

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

Jastiger posted:

Does that make you get fat tho if you eat the same amount of protein as you do sugar? Like you get too many calories even if they are "good" calories?

Calories are calories, it's the poo poo that's around it that fucks you over (like sugar).

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:58

Tinestram: Jan 13, 2006; Excalibur? More like "Needle"; Grimey Drawer

Jastiger posted:

Does that make you get fat tho if you eat the same amount of protein as you do sugar? Like you get too many calories even if they are "good" calories?

Yes, but you're less likely to overeat protein because of the aforementioned satiating effect.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 16:59

Zorodius: Feb 11, 2007; EA GAMES' MASTERPIECE 'MADDEN 2018 G.O.A.T. EDITION' IS A GLORIOUS TRIUMPH OF ART AND TECHNOLOGY. IT BRINGS GAMEDAY RIGHT TO THE PLAYER AND WHOEVER SAYS OTHERWISE CAN, YOU GUESSED IT...
SUCK THE SHIT STRAIGHT OUT OF MY OWN ASSHOLE.

BUY IT.

Jastiger posted:

Does that make you get fat tho if you eat the same amount of protein as you do sugar? Like you get too many calories even if they are "good" calories?

yeah, the total calorie count is still what matters. Ultimately you could lose weight while eating nothing but cupcakes as long as their calorie value is less than what you burn (a guy actually did that).

You just feel less hungry eating protein instead of sugar.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 17:03

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

Yes, far more efficient to eat <x> and have it fill you for hours, versus eating <y> and wanting/needing to have more in 30 minutes or so.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 17:06

Waroduce: Aug 5, 2008

runupon cracker posted:

Dear Fat Guy:

I wasn't quite that far gone, but I was once fat enough that I couldn't see my dick. For, like, 20 years. Then I lost weight, and seeing my dick again was one of the happiest moments of the journey. It was tough, but it was worth the effort. You can do it too! Don't give up.

Dont forget to put an incline on your treadmill

# ? Aug 3, 2016 17:10

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I've always been really good at math, but I'm terrible at personal finances. I don't know why - maybe it's because my mom and dad weren't good with their money, or because I can't handle delayed gratification, I really don't know.

I was kind of wayward after getting out of college - I didn't get into veterinary school like I wanted to, and ended up working at a medical lab animal research facility for four years, topping out at 15 bucks an hour. With my student loans, I couldn't really afford to move out, so I stayed with my mom and dad for several years (my sister has severe autism and I helped out a lot with her care, so they didn't even want me to leave.) But instead of saving my money or paying off my student loans like I should have, I spent most of my money on having fun - I got a new motorcycle, went out drinking, eating out, and gambling almost every weekend, etc.

Back in 2012 I went back to school because I hated my research job and wanted to go work with computers and electronics (I also got laid off three days after I decided to go back so I took that as a sign.) I graduated in 2014 and have a pretty good job now, but here's the damage from the past few years:

- 27K student loans (2K of this is from a different servicer and will be paid off early next year, saving me 196 bucks a month!)
- 6K credit cards (one is at 1900, the other is at 4100)
- 10.5K consolidation loan (this is a combination of my motorcycle payment, a large vet bill, and some other stuff)
- I make $25 per hour and have $4300 saved in a 401k. I'm 31.

The payments are easy to manage and I'm living pretty comfortably, but I'm so drat ashamed of myself. I'm getting married in October and she knows about the debts, but it still chaps my rear end. If I was more careful, I could have bought a house for us already.

Anyway, I don't want to beat myself up for the past, and I figure that as long as I start moving in the right direction, everything will turn out just fine. But I'm too embarrassed to ask for help in Biz Fin, or anywhere else for that matter.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 17:38

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Well, get set up with Mint for one, that should help at least a little, but honestly the real answer here is that if 500-pound lardbeasts can post in YLLS you can post in Biz Fin. Swallow your pride and get it done.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 17:53

buckets of buckets: Apr 8, 2012; CHECK OUT MY AWESOME POSTS
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=114&perpage=40#post447051278

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=91&perpage=40#post444280066

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3818944&pagenumber=196&perpage=40#post472627338

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3788178&pagenumber=405&perpage=40#post474195694

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3831643&pagenumber=5&perpage=40#post475694634

quote:

I've always been really good at math, but I'm terrible at personal finances. I don't know why - maybe it's because my mom and dad weren't good with their money, or because I can't handle delayed gratification, I really don't know.

I was kind of wayward after getting out of college - I didn't get into veterinary school like I wanted to, and ended up working at a medical lab animal research facility for four years, topping out at 15 bucks an hour. With my student loans, I couldn't really afford to move out, so I stayed with my mom and dad for several years (my sister has severe autism and I helped out a lot with her care, so they didn't even want me to leave.) But instead of saving my money or paying off my student loans like I should have, I spent most of my money on having fun - I got a new motorcycle, went out drinking, eating out, and gambling almost every weekend, etc.

Back in 2012 I went back to school because I hated my research job and wanted to go work with computers and electronics (I also got laid off three days after I decided to go back so I took that as a sign.) I graduated in 2014 and have a pretty good job now, but here's the damage from the past few years:

- 27K student loans (2K of this is from a different servicer and will be paid off early next year, saving me 196 bucks a month!)
- 6K credit cards (one is at 1900, the other is at 4100)
- 10.5K consolidation loan (this is a combination of my motorcycle payment, a large vet bill, and some other stuff)
- I make $25 per hour and have $4300 saved in a 401k. I'm 31.

The payments are easy to manage and I'm living pretty comfortably, but I'm so drat ashamed of myself. I'm getting married in October and she knows about the debts, but it still chaps my rear end. If I was more careful, I could have bought a house for us already.

Anyway, I don't want to beat myself up for the past, and I figure that as long as I start moving in the right direction, everything will turn out just fine. But I'm too embarrassed to ask for help in Biz Fin, or anywhere else for that matter.

you could be a goddamn sheep, tying your own noose and buying some lovely property or you could be a rad dude with a motocycle who probably also smokes. I think you made the right choice

# ? Aug 3, 2016 18:02

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Rupert Buttermilk posted:

Fat guy, do keto. Seriously. I've already lost almost 40lbs since April, and you still get to eat bacon, butter, and even chickencheese!

Not kidding, do it. Easiest loving thing, zero exercise required.

this reminded me of that dude who also put his obese dog on keto and killed the gently caress out of it like a moron

# ? Aug 3, 2016 18:09

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

If someone out there actually thought Nessa's self taunt art was good then I'm a bit less hopeful for this world.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 18:11

CJacobs: Apr 17, 2011; Reach for the moon!

quote:

- 6K credit cards (one is at 1900, the other is at 4100)

Stop spending money that doesn't exist

# ? Aug 3, 2016 18:15

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

SniperWoreConverse posted:

this reminded me of that dude who also put his obese dog on keto and killed the gently caress out of it like a moron

This man is an idiot, and obviously a harmful one at that.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 18:18

Inzombiac: Mar 19, 2007; PARTY ALL NIGHT

EAT BRAINS ALL DAY

Even though I'm very good with money, I'm very thankful that my dad taught me early to never have a credit card except one to auto-pay my bills.

There were a few times j could have gotten in a lot of trouble.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 18:32

ditty bout my clitty: May 28, 2011; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

Mr. 47 posted:

This must be some usage of the word "hot" with which I was previously unaware.

Jastiger is severely mentally ill in a very specific way.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 18:49

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Just get a well-paying job, bad at money goon. I use my credit cards to fuel my online poker habit and have had over 50,000 in credit card debt twice in my life but it always balances out.

# ? Aug 3, 2016 18:49

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# ? May 9, 2024 23:10

buckets of buckets: Apr 8, 2012; CHECK OUT MY AWESOME POSTS
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=114&perpage=40#post447051278

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=91&perpage=40#post444280066

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3818944&pagenumber=196&perpage=40#post472627338

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3788178&pagenumber=405&perpage=40#post474195694

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3831643&pagenumber=5&perpage=40#post475694634

Murphy Brownback posted:

Just get a well-paying job, bad at money goon. I use my credit cards to fuel my online poker habit and have had over 50,000 in credit card debt twice in my life but it always balances out.

how does online poker work? you can't see their faces

# ? Aug 3, 2016 18:57

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > "Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

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