CM Punk signs with UFC

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Hammer House: Stinger Splash Zone > CM Punk signs with UFC

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History Comes Inside!: Nov 20, 2004

The funniest outcome is he loses and gets popped for PEDs shortly afterwards.

# ? Aug 5, 2016 10:00

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# ? May 13, 2024 22:48

goml23: Jan 31, 2001; Fatass

WrasslorMonkey posted:

Liontamer

Everyone knows that the best wrestling move for MMA is the Rings of Saturn.

# ? Aug 7, 2016 20:56

Eat This Glob: Jan 14, 2008; God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent?

I mean, I could obviously Google it, but what do mr. Punks knuckles say and why is it important?

# ? Aug 7, 2016 22:43

Germansimp: May 28, 2013

goml23 posted:

Everyone knows that the best wrestling move for MMA is the Moss-covered Three-handled Family Gredenza.

# ? Aug 7, 2016 22:46

ICHIBAHN: Feb 21, 2007; by Cyrano4747

They say drug free because he's vehemently straight edge. As a tattooed straight edger myself, i feel that

# ? Aug 7, 2016 22:47

HOTLANTA MAN: Jul 4, 2010; by Hand Knit; Lipstick Apathy

Eat This Glob posted:

I mean, I could obviously Google it, but what do mr. Punks knuckles say and why is it important?

CM Punk actually wrote this posted:

"...We'll see how smart you are when the K-9 comes"
Thursday January 8th 2004, Baltimore Maryland

Allison Danger picks up the inoccent looking Punk rock wrestling hooligan who hasn't slept on a Wednesday night in the past three months at the Baltimore airport. What follows is their story. Names have been mostly made up due to Punks hatred for officers of "the law"...

So yeah, I let Allison drive my car, and she doesn't crash it, so we celebrate by me getting pulled over for (are you ready for this?).....
:drum roll:
Driving too close to the vehicle in front of me.
At least that's what the very clean cut looking officer who more than likely winds down his hard days "work" by downing a case of beer and beating his wife silly because he's embarassed he can't help his 8 year old with his math homework told me. I was told that I was following one and a half car lengths behind the guy that cut me off, when I was supposed to be following him TWO car lengths.
Officer Douche Mcallister asks me the usual questions, and the entire conversation went exactly like this:

Pig McBlueboy: Do you have anything in the car in the way of drugs or weapons?
Punk: Nope.
PM: Okay, i'm going to go run your license, just sit tight...
Punk: No worries.
::Idiot cop walks back to his car::
...in the meantime, another squad pulls up...
Punk: Figures they'd need two cars for something as stupid as this. I can't believe he's writing me a ticket for something this stupid.
Allison Danger (looking in the side mirror of my car): Um, Punker, I want you to keep calm.
Punk: Huh? I am calm, I just think it's stupid that (Punk sees that the second squad is a K-9 unit) WHAT THE gently caress?!?!?!?
Allison: Punk, just keep cool!
Punk: gently caress that, I don't....OH...OH! You've got to be kidding me!
::Officer #2 approachs my car with his DRUG DOG::
Punk rolls down passanger side window and yells at cop
Punk: ARE YOU RIBBING ME? GET THAT loving DOG AWAY FROM MY CAR!
::officer does'nt respond::
Punk: Serisouly, are you loving kidding me? Hey!
::officer starts to knock on Punks car with his hands::
Punk: Okay, Okay! Honestly, you loving DICK, get the gently caress away from my car, or i'll eat your dog.
::Officer #1 approachs Punks car once the dog and officer #2 are dog circling the car::
Officer Dickhead: Can I ask you to step out of the car?
Punk: Absolutely not.
Officer rear end in a top hat: Well, I need to explain this to you...
Punk: Do it with me in the car
Officer Bitchass: Well, can you step out of the car...
Punk: Ya know what, fine...
Now this is where it gets fairly hilarious people. I literally step out of the car, and once i'm fully stood up, i'm at least a foot taller than this cop. The look on his face was priceless. He takes a step back, and I poo poo you not, gulps. I'd imagine i'm horribly frighting looking by this point, because i'm legit furious that this little bullshit profile stop of my car results in a drug dog harassment. He backs up, never taking his eyes off me, and I nearly back him into traffic...
Officer Justshitinhispants: Um...this is your warning.
Punk: Great ::turns to walk away::
Officer Banana Brains: You need to take this, but before I give it to you, what do you want to tell me about what's in your car?
Punk (now turning green): What?
Officer pleasedontkillme: Is there anything in the car you want to tell me about, I'll give you the chance to tell me the truth, why were you in Nashville?
Punk::raising his fists right in the cops face:: What do my knuckles say?!
Cop: Why were you ::gets cut off by a very angry Punk::
Punk: WHAT. DO. MY. KNUCKLES. SAY?
a very sad looking police man: Drug free.
Punk: Exactly, so i'm a little offended about the dog right now.
Copper: Um...okay, well, here's your warning, have a nice day
Punk: Go gently caress yourself.

Reading this back now, it doen't even do it justice. Allison was sure that I was going to jail due to the way I was freaking out
Every day of my life is like this. Never slowing down, always topping the day before. Life is hard, and I hate politics.
Jimmy Rave is going bald.
Bill Behrens is a sonofabitch.
And I, soon to be the leader of the world, am better than you.
Go play in traffic.
Also, R.I.P Sterling James Keenans girlfriends Iguana.
XxX

# ? Aug 7, 2016 22:48

DeathChicken: Jul 9, 2012; Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Yessir, I surely believe that you made a punching motion to a Baltimore cop and didn't get a slug between the eyes, sure do

# ? Aug 7, 2016 22:52

Jackie D: May 27, 2009; Democracy is like a tambourine - not everyone can be trusted with it.

DeathChicken posted:

Yessir, I surely believe that you made a punching motion to a Baltimore cop and didn't get a slug between the eyes, sure do

He's white

# ? Aug 7, 2016 23:00

Chris James 2: Aug 9, 2012

Jackie D posted:

He's white

That only prevents him from being shot by the cop

# ? Aug 7, 2016 23:03

oldpainless: Oct 30, 2009; This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS 👥 - It's for your phone📲^TM� #ad📢

Hell yeah Punk fuckin owned those pigs

# ? Aug 8, 2016 04:08

Shirkelton: Apr 6, 2009; I'm not loyal to anything, General... except the dream.

The sixth season of 'The Wire' was meant to cover the influx of immigration to Baltimore, and the ineptitude of the police bureaucracy in dealing with C.M. Punk.

# ? Aug 8, 2016 04:09

Gusano: Dec 15, 2013

Jesus did he write that when he was like, sixteen?

# ? Aug 8, 2016 04:28

DeathChicken: Jul 9, 2012; Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

He was born in 1978, so...26

pfffffffthaha

# ? Aug 8, 2016 04:31

Heavy Metal: Sep 1, 2014; America's $1 Funnyman

Gusano posted:

Jesus did he write that when he was like, sixteen?

He was about 25, and yes I did just do math involving counting on my fingers. My knuckles don't say anything but I may have some cool temporary tattoos lying around from a pizza place vending machine..

DeathChicken posted:

He was born in 1978, so...26

pfffffffthaha

25 and a half, let's be fair.

# ? Aug 8, 2016 04:32

Eat Bum Zen: Jul 19, 2013; *mumbles*
Rated T for Teen

Idk it probably didn't happen but you can get away with a lot when it comes to the bpd. Maybe he though punk and his male friend Allison were frat brothers or something headed to jhu

# ? Aug 8, 2016 04:32

Heavy Metal: Sep 1, 2014; America's $1 Funnyman

Eat Bum Zen posted:

Idk it probably didn't happen but you can get away with a lot when it comes to the bpd. Maybe he though punk and his male friend Allison were frat brothers or something headed to jhu

Allison is actually a female person, I'm a bit of a gumshoe.

# ? Aug 8, 2016 04:34

Gusano: Dec 15, 2013

He just comes off as severeley narcissistic. Now I know why Paul London called him "the Triple H of ROH".

# ? Aug 8, 2016 04:36

Eat This Glob: Jan 14, 2008; God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent?

Thank you for the edification, friends

# ? Aug 8, 2016 05:31

TheKingslayer: Sep 3, 2008

CM Punk is a turd and I can't wait to see him get beat up.

# ? Aug 8, 2016 05:44

Josuke Higashikata: Mar 7, 2013

TheKingslayer posted:

CM Punk is a turd and I can't wait to see him get beat up.

Actually he had "i won by ko in round 1 and got the belt even though it's not a title fight" tattooed on his knuckles in really small font so he's going to be champ.

# ? Aug 8, 2016 09:44

God Of Paradise: Jan 23, 2012; You know, I'd be less worried about my 16 year old daughter dating a successful 40 year old cartoonist than dating a 16 year old loser.

I mean, Jesus, kid, at least date a motherfucker with abortion money and house to have sex at where your mother and I don't have to hear it. Also, if he treats her poorly, boom, that asshole's gonna catch a statch charge.

Please, John K. Date my daughter... Save her from dating smelly dropouts who wanna-be Soundcloud rappers.

I think his bullshit police story is a great heel promo.

# ? Aug 8, 2016 10:23

Mystery Opponent: Sep 27, 2006; but u was a real nigga
i could sense it in u

TheKingslayer posted:

CM Punk is a turd

Nope, that would be Daniel Bryan

# ? Aug 8, 2016 11:13

TheHock: Jul 3, 2008; I have altered my retirement plans. Pray I do not alter them any further.

RIP Corey Graves' girlfriend's iguana though.

# ? Aug 8, 2016 13:59

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Mystery Opponent posted:

Nope, that would be Daniel Bryan

Actually Daniel Bryan is a farm.

# ? Aug 8, 2016 14:46

Ty1990: Apr 22, 2011

officer banana brains

# ? Aug 8, 2016 15:27

Eat Bum Zen: Jul 19, 2013; *mumbles*
Rated T for Teen

Ty1990 posted:

officer banana brains

# ? Aug 8, 2016 16:13

Intruder: Mar 5, 2003; I got a taste for blown saves

"At least" a foot taller than the cop

I think any 5'2 or shorter cop would be well accustomed to seeing people taller than him

# ? Aug 8, 2016 18:15

LobsterMobster: Oct 29, 2009; "I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"

And Punk should have noticed when the cop went to the window for his license (which, by the way, didn't Allison Danger drive?)

# ? Aug 8, 2016 18:24

Intruder: Mar 5, 2003; I got a taste for blown saves

officers of "the law"

# ? Aug 8, 2016 18:28

Luigi Thirty: Apr 30, 2006; Emergency confection port.

I am PHIL of the Legalized Family "BROOKS" and your admiralty flag has no jurisdiction over the laws of God and man

# ? Aug 8, 2016 18:34

Halloween Jack: Sep 12, 2003; Can't post for 60 minutes!

Intruder posted:

I think any 5'2 or shorter cop would be well accustomed to seeing people taller than him

Punk threatened a representative of the Lollipop Guild.

# ? Aug 8, 2016 18:36

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Luigi Thirty posted:

I am PHIL of the Legalized Family "BROOKS" and your admiralty flag has no jurisdiction over the laws of God and man

CORPORATE MAN PUNK

# ? Aug 8, 2016 19:06

coconono: Aug 11, 2004; KISS ME KRIS

Allison Danger, a canadian, married to a swiss national, living in the United States. Yeah, that's a fuckin drug car.

# ? Aug 8, 2016 19:37

STING 64: Oct 20, 2006

i always thought that post was just him workin

# ? Aug 8, 2016 19:44

Chris James 2: Aug 9, 2012

JOHN CENA posted:

i always thought that post was just him workin

From working people on Livejournal to working people in the UFC

Hell of a life

# ? Aug 8, 2016 19:51

coconono: Aug 11, 2004; KISS ME KRIS

JOHN CENA posted:

i always thought that post was just him workin

its all bullshit but it's a fun story to tell. That's the important part.

# ? Aug 8, 2016 20:03

IcePhoenix: Sep 18, 2005; Take me to your Shida

this is the wrong thread but lol CM Punk

# ? Aug 8, 2016 21:02

Codependent Poster: Oct 20, 2003

Luigi Thirty posted:

I am PHIL of the Legalized Family "BROOKS" and your admiralty flag has no jurisdiction over the laws of God and man

Are you detaining CM Punk or Phillip Brooks, officer?

# ? Aug 8, 2016 21:05

Lord Waffle Beard: Dec 7, 2013

Cm punk should have fought James Tony or something, he's going to get his rear end kicked by a real mma fighter. Probably tap to strikes in the 1st minute

# ? Aug 8, 2016 21:06

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# ? May 13, 2024 22:48

Chris James 2: Aug 9, 2012

Aug 15, the documentary they shot to promote his debut, Evolution of Punk, airs on FOX

# ? Aug 8, 2016 21:12

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Hammer House: Stinger Splash Zone > CM Punk signs with UFC

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