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Thanks everybody for the sometimes blunt feedback. I needed to hear thoughts outside of those of my own bubble. I've decided to teach and go to that interview. Should I get the second job, I will have to ditch the teaching job, but I will speak with the department chair about preparing stand-in instructors. I would do a lot less damage if I prepped others to take my place if I decide to bail.
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Aug 13, 2016 22:19
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I think that's the best idea. Also talk with your partner about what you can do to help her through her depression (IF she wants the help and IF you think you can handle it, emotionally) and discuss the idea of maybe going to couples counseling once she seems like she's in a better place. Also a heads up, you are going to have a fair amount of people who will come in here and continue to tell you that your only option is to have her get an abortion, and there is very little you can say to dissuade them. Just so you're not surprised.
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Aug 13, 2016 22:31
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Get a loving abortion. And if the girl won't get an abortion break up with her and deadbeat dad it like a pro.
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Aug 13, 2016 23:17
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Enfys posted:Now is when a career is a pretty vital component of feeding a family. I don't mean this in the sense of he's "too good" for that, but an actual career provides far more financial stability and a better future than "cashmoney now" jobs. It's not like a teaching postgraduate with no other relevant industry work experience is going to get anything beyond retail/food service/call centre type jobs right now. Someone who has paid the opportunity cost of postgraduate study is far better off pursuing their career than stopping to get random "whatever" jobs. Him going from entry level professional work to a minimum wage mcjob isn't going to help feed a family. This is fair, it just sounded like she had a career and was going to stay home while he doesn't quite yet and was planning to work. I'm glad that's not the case, although it sounds like she'll need a lot of support if she continues working. Will you have daycare support as in "you can both work full-time and someone will watch the kid" or "sometimes you can get help"?
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Aug 13, 2016 23:19
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I'm probably going to catch some poo poo for this, but it really pisses me off when people have kids when they are clearly not ready. It's such a huge, life changing decision that many people just kind of throw up their hands and accept because they got pregnant, as if there were no other options. Yes I am projecting a bit, I've watched too many friends/siblings throw their life down the toilet because they thought they had no choice.
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Aug 14, 2016 05:50
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i'm probably gonna catch some poo poo for this, but it really pisses me off when people don't read the thread
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Aug 14, 2016 07:49
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I totally agree that abortion/adoption would be their best bets, but from reading his message I could tell they weren't considering this. They've resigned themselves to having a kid and living their lovely lives like this. Given that they are keeping the child, moving in together and considering marriage for tax breaks and/or healthcare coverage would be the best course of action. They need to start saving what little money they have, because costs are going to stack up pronto. He's asks "Which awful job opportunity should I take?" while squandering his pay on separate domiciles for him and the missus. I know it's a bad living situation, Raul, but it's not going to get easier anytime soon. Bite the bullet and save as much of that sweet, sweet cash that you can. It's going to help you buy valuable things like healthcare and babysitting services.
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Aug 14, 2016 18:53
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OP, if your girlfriend was allegedly on the pill and then upon become pregnant, doesn't want an abortion and doesn't want to give the child away for adoption, that probably means she wasn't on the pill. Consider this when making really important decisions over the next few months. If you want to live with someone who uses and manipulates you for the rest of your life and at the same time sounds emotionally dysfunctional based on your own telling of the situation, then be my guest and double down on this crazy.
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Aug 14, 2016 20:47
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Hahaha what a clusterfuck your life is going to be for the rest of forever. You stupid idiot, this is your last chance to escape this trainwreck and you're not even considering the only good options you have. Your partner is not ready to have a kid, she's not even grown up enough to take care of her own self, and you're perfectly happy with getting dragged down into this garbage for eternity. You deserve what's coming, because of your own spinelessness if nothing else.
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Aug 14, 2016 20:58
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I don't know why so many people don't buy into this whole idea that "doing it for the kids" never actually works out. I've known plenty of people who didn't love each other anymore but still lived together just fine until their kids moved out and then they moved away from each other. It's a huge waste of 18 years of your life, and the OP's an idiot for not bailing the gently caress out immediately, but I mean it works fine.
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Aug 14, 2016 21:04
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ChairMaster posted:I don't know why so many people don't buy into this whole idea that "doing it for the kids" never actually works out. I've known plenty of people who didn't love each other anymore but still lived together just fine until their kids moved out and then they moved away from each other. Probably because a huge number of "people staying together because of the kid(s)" end up in a terribly co-dependent miasma of mild loathing/philandering/constant annoyance/quiet desperation which give the poor kid a terrible viewpoint on what adult relationships are supposed to be like.
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Aug 14, 2016 21:39
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Kathmandon't
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Aug 14, 2016 21:49
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Canine Blues Arooo posted:OP, if your girlfriend was allegedly on the pill and then upon become pregnant, doesn't want an abortion and doesn't want to give the child away for adoption, that probably means she wasn't on the pill.
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Aug 14, 2016 22:09
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I mean the "She doesn't want an abortion? You done got spermjacked!" argument is bullshit, there's loads of drat good reasons a woman might not want to get an abortion no matter what the circumstances. But seriously dude, the only time you didn't wrap up you scored a home run? Really?
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Aug 14, 2016 22:17
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People get pregnant on the pill all the time you idiots. Everyone please shut up about how the OP needs to convince his girlfriend to get a loving 18-week abortion (not that easy). OP, while I think there are valid E/N things here (for example do you want to be with her?) this thread is a good candidate for BFC if you want actual financial advice. Let me know if you want me to move it.
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Aug 14, 2016 22:37
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You need a better career plan than adjuncting with an MA until someone decides to give you a full time community college teaching gig and make you a department chair. You would have needed one regardless, but the baby speeds things up a bit. Unless a master's is a terminal degree in your field, a permanent teaching position will likely be out of your reach, even at a community college. Most universities have policies against making full-time hires for people who don't have the terminal degree. There's enough of a glut in most fields that even smaller colleges and community colleges can afford to be very selective about hiring. If you have an MFA or other terminal master's degree, getting a tenure-track position isn't quite as bleak, but there's still an overload of people looking for teaching work. It's not unusual to be hired full-time after adjuncting for awhile but it's rare to be hired full-time after adjuncting at the same institution. There's also a kind of sweet spot, when you've done enough teaching to show experience but before your degree ages and committees start to wonder why no one else has offered you a full-time gig. Pass the sweet spot and chances of ever becoming full time diminish substantially. You are also substantially limited if you can't move outside of a certain radius. Tenure-track jobs are just rare, and even in a place with a high concentration of universities (SoCal or NYC), you'll have hundreds of adjunct offerings but only a couple of TT jobs in your field every year. Get your CV together and consider what you can do outside of academia. Now is the time to be applying. If you're determined to stay in academia, the hiring cycle for 2017 is beginning. Get a long-range plan together, and a plan B, and a plan C. Give yourself a time limit: how much time are you going to put into adjuncting?
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Aug 15, 2016 00:20
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You won't benefit since you aren't married but she needs to get state help in terms of healthcare and anything else they offer. You will get money (haha, wait, not you because you aren't married) at tax time for having a kid. There is help available for free and she needs to look into everything that she can get asap if she hasn't.
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Aug 15, 2016 05:27
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JnnyThndrs posted:Probably because a huge number of "people staying together because of the kid(s)" end up in a terribly co-dependent miasma of mild loathing/philandering/constant annoyance/quiet desperation which give the poor kid a terrible viewpoint on what adult relationships are supposed to be like. Statistically, short of physical abuse, raising the kid as a single parent is the worst thing you can do to a kid. If they aren't at each others throats abusive then they need to give it a shot for the kids.
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Aug 15, 2016 05:27
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Also I know multiple people irl who got pregnant while both using condoms and on birth control. And just being on birth control, well, it is more common than some think. On the up side, having a kid is awesome regardless of whether you are with your partner or not so I encourage you to be in that kid's life and be a good dad. Of course the kid benefits from this too. But don't "stay together for the kid", that is just ridiculous. It sucks the most at the beginning but it gets exponentially better when you aren't just cleaning piss and poo poo all day while not ever sleeping or having sex.
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Aug 15, 2016 05:32
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SurfaceDetail posted:Statistically, short of physical abuse, raising the kid as a single parent is the worst thing you can do to a kid. If they aren't at each others throats abusive then they need to give it a shot for the kids. Two loving parents who are not together is much, much better than being in a loveless sham of a relationship. What are you basing your statement off of?
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Aug 15, 2016 05:32
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rio posted:Two loving parents who are not together is much, much better than being in a loveless sham of a relationship. What are you basing your statement off of? Literally every statistic. Higher rates of crime, do worse in school, higher rates of mental illness. The whole deal.
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Aug 15, 2016 05:33
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I'm not saying to force them together if every fiber of their being hates the other but it doesnt seem like thats the case so they should make a go of it if shes gonna keep the kid.
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Aug 15, 2016 05:34
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Well yeah, it is worth a try for sure. The statistics are regarding being in a single parent household though - not having both parents involved but separate. At least from what I have read. I think that even then those studies don't account for other factors like economic status, time away from their kids due to having to work more to support their child alone, lack of family support among other things.
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Aug 15, 2016 05:48
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Never you mind posted:You need a better career plan than adjuncting with an MA until someone decides to give you a full time community college teaching gig and make you a department chair. You would have needed one regardless, but the baby speeds things up a bit. I wilI look outside academia, though I won't be looking for more teaching positions. I was shooting for student services where I would have room for promotion and benefits. The interview i'm going to will be for academic advisor. Still, I have a bit to think about when it comes to planning and possibly taking my path out of academia.
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Aug 15, 2016 08:58
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rio posted:Also I know multiple people irl who got pregnant while both using condoms and on birth control. They are not using one or both of these correctly.
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Aug 15, 2016 11:30
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I'm living proof that abortions should be mandatory for all pregnant women everywhere in the world. I'm about to hit 30, unemployed, living with my parents in poverty, this is perhaps but a glimpse of your future.
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Aug 15, 2016 12:32
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Raul. I have now read this whole thread and holy gently caress neither of you is ready to be a parent. Also your girlfriend sounds a bit unstable. But she doesn't want an abortion and she doesn't want to do adoption so fine let's roll up our sleeves and prepare for the grim reality of survival in poverty. First we're going into this scenario knowing these facts: 1. GF has depression and can't/won't hold a job. 2. OP is in academia and does not have a Masters Degree? 3. OP does not seem to want to break up/call it off/bail and save himself 4. These two idiots are going to try raising a family together on a single source of poverty level wages. Good news for you OP I am an expert on surviving on poverty level wages. I am disabled and lived on a mere $900 a month. Granted I was a single person and did not have a baby but I'm sure the process is mostly the same. Regardless of those differences you'll hopefully be bringing in more than that so with my guidanve you can do it too! The first and most important factor you need to accept about surviving while in poverty is that you do not have the luxury of pride. You cannot afford it. You can not afford to deny any source of help because you "don't need it" or "it will make you look bad" or "there are people who are less well off/more deserving who need it more and I'm taking it from them" Etc. gently caress THOSE PEOPLE. You need to worry about you and your family's survival and it must take priority over everything else. Now, first things first. DO NOT MARRY THIS GIRL. THIS IS TERRIBLE ADVICE. NEVER GET MARRIED. The tax break you get for getting married and having a kid together do not even remotely offset the benefits to both staying single and getting public assistance. PLEASE NOTE, THIS IS CRUCIAL, if you live in a Common Law Marriage state find out what the requirements for becoming Common Law married are in your state and avoid them at all costs because THEY WILL COMMON LAW MARRY YOU IF THEY CAN AND gently caress YOU. You are not not marrying your GF because your GF is a bad fit or an awful person or whatever but because if you get married your income will be counted as hers for social services and guess what, you're gonna need social services. Now that that is out of the way here's how it goes: Step One, move in with the girl so that you're not paying rent on two places. GET A PO BOX. DO NOT USE HER ADDRESS AS YOUR ADDRESS. Step Two, your GF must immediately go to the nearest Job and Family Services and apply for Foodstamps/SNAP, Welfare, Medicaid, Wick, and every other assistance program that she could even remotely meet the requirements for. She needs to be ready to sit in the J&FS for a long time, possibly hours, before a social worker will see her. She should come prepared by bringing her Social Security Card, a Photo ID and a copy of her Birth Certificate. She will need these things. Step Three, your GF should go to the Social Security Administration and apply for SSI. She will get rejected the first time. Apply again and keep applying for the rest of her life or until she gets it. She will need to bring the same documentation witness her to the SSA aso she did to the J&FS. Step Four, Your girlfriend should apply for Section 8 It's about a two year wait. If denied apply again repeat until acceptance or death. It is VERY IMPORTANT that your GF never mentions you or your income. She must claim she does not know who the father is or you may have to pay child support. If you pay child support it is counted as income and drastically effects what she gets in benefits without offsetting the cost. (Example: You get $90 in food stamps. You are awarded child support. You are given $80 a month by your baby daddy. Congratulations you now don't qualify for food stamps at all or only get like $5.) Full Disclosure to your GF she can't go back on this decision and miraculously remember her baby daddy after the fact and collect child support from you if you two, for whatever reason, don't work out and break it off. But if she gets all this assistance she should, ideally, be getting more in benefits life long than she could ever get from trying to bleed you dry. Source: I knew three couples who lived together with an unreported single income earner and a mother on the system and they claimed to have done the math. Also, just so you know, you won't be able to have your name on the baby's birth certificate. Do not file taxes jointly. Do not list the kid on your taxes as a dependent. (She can though.) The good news is if some miracle happens and you get a stable job where you make a nice middle class income (60-90k a year) and you and your GF are still together you can get married and go through the process of legally adopting your own baby. I hear it's incredibly easy. Yes this is skeevy, yes this is 'gaming the system' it is also pretty much the only way to live and survive. Good luck.
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Aug 15, 2016 14:31
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Help my emotionally unstable girlfriend's pregnant! What should I do?Jenner posted:Literally commit welfare fraud
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Aug 15, 2016 16:12
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I think people are missing that she just bought her own house, almost entirely with cash apparently, and still has thousands in the bank. She's also going back to work next week, and her job pays well and includes benefits. I mean I understand a baby is a two-person job and he has to make decisions that will benefit it, especially when she has to stop working, but it's not like they're down to a cumulative $10.42 in checking.
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Aug 15, 2016 16:39
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i like nice words
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Maybe "get married" isn't the best advice but .. A baby is a tonne of work. Even for a couple who've really got their poo poo together and are financially secure a baby is a tonne of work. If she gets a panic attack on the first day of some job, any job, then she is not going to cope with being a mother on her own. Newborn babies are cute and lovely but they're also horrible, you don't know stress or depression until you've got a newborn baby. You say you don't want to live with her right now because of the effect it'd have on you. A baby is going to make her 100x worse, 1000x times worse.. think about what kind of effect that's going to have on a childs developing brain. Consider all of your options but do what's best for the baby. I love my kids more than anything in the world. We lost 2 children to miscarriages, which honestly I don't think I will ever get over and the subject of losing babies is very "triggering" for me but having said that in this situation I'd be doing everything I can do get her to abort as the two of you aren't anywhere near being close to being able to provide the start a child needs and deserves.
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Aug 15, 2016 17:04
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Splicer posted:Help my emotionally unstable girlfriend's pregnant! What should I do? While I managed to live an incredibly lovely existence on just $15 a month left over after all my bills were paid (without cheating the system.) I was lucky in that, because of the extent of my disabilities, I was awarded a lot of benefits. Most people only get awarded a fraction of the aid I received. I wish the system had enough to give enough to everybody but usually the assistance one gets is meager at best. Most people are not as lucky as I was and have no choice but to abuse the system just to survive simply because they are unable to work. They don't want to be committing fraud and definitely would choose not to if they could afford to. IMHO the solution is to invest more in social programs so they can afford to pay out more to their beneficiaries and take more beneficiaries on. But this is not a D&D thread. Anyway OP even if you're not going the Committed To Poverty route you should still not marry this girl because I honestly think your relationship is unsustainable and that the two of you won't make it ten years before a messy divorce. Divorces are expensive and petty. Congrats on the baby though?  Oh also Get YNAB
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Aug 15, 2016 18:14
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Jenner posted:Raul. I have now read this whole thread and holy gently caress neither of you is ready to be a parent. Also your girlfriend sounds a bit unstable. But she doesn't want an abortion and she doesn't want to do adoption so fine let's roll up our sleeves and prepare for the grim reality of survival in poverty. This is really, really bad advice and will get you thrown in jail eventually
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Aug 15, 2016 20:12
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Jenner posted:Raul. I have now read this whole thread and holy gently caress neither of you is ready to be a parent. Also your girlfriend sounds a bit unstable. But she doesn't want an abortion and she doesn't want to do adoption so fine let's roll up our sleeves and prepare for the grim reality of survival in poverty. This post was very interesting
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Aug 15, 2016 20:49
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My advice, in order. 1. She gets an abortion. 2. If no abortion, the baby is given up for adoption. 3. If no adoption, you bail and support her whatever way you can. 4. If she is unsatisfied with your support, you bail entirely. 5. If none of the above, desensitize yourself and face to misery.
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Aug 15, 2016 23:25
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DId i read this all right that you're dropping out of school to consider a job that pays 2000 dollars? Or was it 2000 dollars a month?
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Aug 15, 2016 23:33
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Hi, BFC! This guy needs help and E/N did a very bad job so the bar is pretty low for you. Just don't suggest abortion or welfare fraud because we covered those already.
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Aug 15, 2016 23:41
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Veskit posted:DId i read this all right that you're dropping out of school to consider a job that pays 2000 dollars? Or was it 2000 dollars a month? You read almost all of it wrong. He's teaching and considering quitting that job for a different job.
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Aug 15, 2016 23:46
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Dr Cox MD posted:They've resigned themselves to having a kid and living their lovely lives like this. They've also decided it for their kid.
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Aug 16, 2016 00:46
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Dear OP, Following up on Jenner's advice, also rob a bank. That is a good idea. The trick is to not tell the security guard you are there to rob the bank. Then you do and he'll be like "what?" so use that little moment of confusion (it will not last long) to then escape the bank. Try to ask for a lot of money like a couple hundred dollars or if you are feeling frisky maybe a cool thousand. It's really hard to rob the same bank twice so "get while the gettin's good!"TM
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Aug 16, 2016 00:49
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Regardless of the morality of abortion etc, in a purely technical sense I'm pretty sure at this stage it is more like a triggered stillbirth in that it requires an actual labour and delivery of an admittedly pretty small foetus, so it's not just a pill or a quick operation. ANYWAY on to BFC things: I think you've made the right decision to gun for the other job but hedge your bets with your current teaching gig. To be honest with an MA and (from what I can tell?) no non-academic work experience it's probably your most viable job option; and while I understand the frustration of the effort:money ratio being poo poo, you had to have had some idea of the reality of your job prospects while studying surely? One thing that struck me in your OP is the comment about the baby 'loving up all of your plans but that's life' which I think is slightly unfair. Happily it sounds like you have a pretty supportive family which is critical. Your career aspirations may be slightly deferred just while you get some reliable income in but objectively your baby should not be some major impediment. It sounds like: - You guys are mostly covered financially for the period your partner will be on parental leave - Your partner earns a decent wage (or at least earns a more reliable wage, or is better at saving than you) and is interested in finding work after her parental leave ends - Your families are supportive and there to help with daycare etc after the leave ends - You do actually intend on earning money and are otherwise not aspiring to be a hobo The key risk in this otherwise pretty loving excellent setup for continued success at life is having the support of your partner. She is having a knee-jerk "argh" reaction and her depression isn't helping. But it sounds like you guys aren't actually really on poverty wages, you both earn enough to independently support yourselves, and she has money put away to cover expenses while she's on leave, so I'm not really seeing the issue here except that she wants you to earn more immediately. Which is more about her expectations rather than actually not having enough money. Of course this assumes that she can manage in her current job until her parental leave and then can find another job and not have an immediate panic attack and quit before the day is out. If that happens then sorry OP you will have to shelve all of your aspirations and go work in the salt mines for the rest of your days. Tamarillo fucked around with this message at 00:54 on Aug 16, 2016 |
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Aug 16, 2016 00:48
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